Season One, Episode Ten: “GRANGER THINGS”
Transcript
SKIP
Hi! This is Special Agent Skip Granger with an important message. The following episode contains content that may be disturbing for younger listeners. I mean, we did have that one episode with the Russian torturer, and then there was the time the guy fell in the industrial farm machine...so, uh, I guess if your parents let you get this far, kids, they've only got themselves to blame for the therapy bills! Happy Halloween!
EXT. THE ADMIRAL’S SHIP
SOUND: The ship crashing against the waves, as always. The steel drums play “Hall of the Mountain King.”
THE ADMIRAL (Over the PA)
Attention etc! I have communed with the spirits and they demand a PARTY! Dancing and drinks at the stroke of midnight in the ballroom. Sex magic orgy to follow for qualified participants.
INT. CHET’S CABIN
SOUND: Chet is struggling to get dressed
CHET
Suck in that gut, Phillips. I gotta cut down on those margaritas.
SOUND: A knock at the door
CHET
Come in.
SOUND: Door opens, Ocean Girl enters.
OCEAN GIRL
Ready to go to the masquerade, hammerhead handsome?
CHET
You know it.
OCEAN GIRL
Aren’t you going to put a costume on?
CHET
Well, all I had was my tuxedo. So just call me (Impersonates Sean Connery) Bond. James Bond.
OCEAN GIRL
(Giggles) I don't get that! That’s okay, I still have to put my costume on too.
CHET
But you’re already dressed as a mermaid...
OCEAN GIRL
And?
SOUND: Another knock at the door, but before anyone answers, the door opens.
THE ADMIRAL
Ah, Trixie! I thought I’d find you here. Excuse the intrusion, Mr. Doe, but I seem to have caught my hook hand in my zipper.
OCEAN GIRL
Allow me to help, Admiral.
THE ADMIRAL
Thank you, Trixie. Oh, while I’m here, Mr. Doe, allow me to fill your candy bag. Another drone has arrived.
CHET
Ugh. Worse than a Zagnut.
SOUND: Chet presses play and the tape begins. In the background, Ocean Girl and Admiral struggle with his zipper.
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Trick or treat, Agent Phillips. Yadnus H. Tide, a high priority EMF target, has surfaced in North Carolina. Local legend suggests Tide Manor House is haunted by a variety of spooks, specters and ghosts. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to use these superstitions in any way possible to frighten Tide into handing -
SFX: Tape off.
CHET
REJECTED. Like a bag of carrot sticks.
SFX: Relief from the Admiral and Trixie as the zipper gets unstuck.
OCEAN GIRL
There you go! Ooops! Watch the hook!
THE ADMIRAL
Ah! Thank you, my dear. Now I can go change into my costume for the masquerade ball.
CHET
But you’re already dressed as Captain Hook.
THE ADMIRAL
And?
MUSIC: OPENING THEME (A spooky Halloween version played on an organ and synth.)
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: "Granger Things."
INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: Distantly, thunder and lightning.
ZELDA
Recording debrief of operation Lighthouse, October 31st, twenty three hundred thirty hours. Agent Skip Granger’s account.
SKIP
Can’t we, uh, debrief all together, Chief?
ZELDA
No.
SKIP
OK. Uh. Can we at least turn the lights on -
ZELDA
We’ve been experiencing power outages due to the storm. Are you nervous, Agent?
SKIP
...usually?
ZELDA
Tell me what you remember.
SKIP
All right. We were instructed to investigate the reclusive weapons dealer and ex-Oceanologist Yadnus H. Tide. Tide is a complete blank - no known records, photographs, or money trail of him, her or they exist. EMF recently learned that Tide has been holed up in his, her, or their ancestral seaside manor in Cape Hattaras, North Carolina.
ZELDA
What were your objectives.
SKIP
To confront Tide and find out everything he, she, or they know about the cult of Oceanology. You, ah, recommended...
ZELDA
I believe my exact words were “keep it simple”.
SKIP
Can we maybe light some candles?
ZELDA
No.
SKIP
Right.
ZELDA
Go over your plan.
SKIP
So. We recruited Dr. LaGrange, our resident chemist, and Dr. Studebaker, our resident psychologist. We acquired a supply of hallucinogenic P-13 gas, and they demonstrated how we could create a terrifying hypnogogic encounter. Mackenzie McGrath would hack the Tide Manor security systems, I would inject the gas canisters into the central AC, and Bowden Montcrief would confront Tide, performing, in one of our SnapFace masks, the part of Tide’s long-dead grandfather.
ZELDA
Get in, gas the target, frighten the target into giving up the information, and get out. Simple. Seems impossible to screw up.
SKIP
Yes.
ZELDA
And how did you manage to screw it up?
SKIP
...within minutes of arriving at the house we had gassed ourselves.
ZELDA
Uh huh.
SKIP
The effects were immediate and -
ZELDA
You gassed yourself, Agent Montcrief, Ms. McGrath, your intern Gloria -
SKIP
- she’s a graduate fellow, for the record -
ZELDA
- and a psychic you enlisted -
SKIP
- a fully accredited parapsychologist who we thought would lend the ruse credence -
ZELDA
- a seventy-five year old psychic named Edith Sunday who you found in the yellow pages under “Pet Bereavement”.
SKIP
Now I’m fully aware that what we experienced on the mission was artificially induced -
ZELDA
- which is why I’m interviewing each of you one-on-one.
SKIP
- but I’m not convinced...I think something happened, Chief. Something real.
ZELDA
Why don’t you tell me what you think you saw, Agent, and let the one person you didn’t gas be the judge of that.
SKIP
...OK.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. TIDE MANOR
SOUND: A PUFF OF GAS, FOLLOWED BY GENERAL COMMOTION: “UGH”, “NO!” “WHAT WAS THAT!”, “UH-OH”, ETC.
MACKENZIE
YOU GASSED US, SKIP.
SKIP
But I set up the machine exactly according to Doctor Studebaker’s instructions!
DOCTOR STUDEBAKER
Huh, look at that. I wrote these backwards. Scribbled them down while I was shaving this morning, must’ve been looking in the mirror.
MACKENZIE
Shaving? You’ve got a full beard, what were you---
(beat)
Oh... oh. Oh god. Oh good god above I hope these drugs kick in fast.
BOWDEN
So, wait, am I high? Like, right now? How high am I, would you say?
SKIP
Doctor Studebaker, how long do we have before the P-13 gas kicks in?
DOCTOR STUDEBAKER
Depends on the subject, Barney Fife. Research shows that anal retentive Type A personalities such as yourself--
SKIP
OK, that’s a little harsh.
DOCTOR STUDEBAKER
--succumb faster than others.
SKIP
So we’d better hurry! Edith?
EDITH SUNDAY
Yes, Agent Granger?
SKIP
Are you picking up anything? Any psychic signatures as to--
EDITH SUNDAY
Actually, the concept of psychic signatures was debunked by the Esperanza study of 2013--
SKIP
Edith--
EDITH SUNDAY
-- in which a control group of thirty-seven Latvian kindergarten teachers with pronounced lisps--
SKIP
We’ve got, like, no time here--
EDITH SUNDAY
-- were able to flawlessly recite the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayam via a psychic link, not a signature--
SKIP
EDITH, CAN YOU SENSE ANYTHING???
EDITH SUNDAY
Oh, sure, why didn’t you just ask? I sense a tsunami of aquatic-themed mental energy coming from the room directly beneath us.
MUSIC: SUPER QUICK TRANSITION MUSIC
SOUND: A HUGE DOOR CREAKING OPEN
EDITH SUNDAY
A room? Did I say ‘room’? I meant--
SKIP
It’s a mausoleum. A giant one.
EDITH SUNDAY
Nothing but a great, big Tunnel of Death. Ooh! There’s the title of my blog post for this!
SKIP
Wait... maybe it’s not real? Maybe the gas has already kicked in?
SOUND: KNOCKING ON WOOD
DOCTOR STUDEBAKER
If these coffins are hallucinations, so’s my hand. They’re solid as--
SOUND: A SNARLING ZOMBIE BURSTS FORTH FROM THE COFFIN AND GRABS DOCTOR STUDEBAKER BY THE THROAT.
EVERYBODY
GGAHHHHH!!!!!!
SOUND: SPLATTERING AS THE ZOMBIE TEARS STUDEBAKER APART.
GLORIA
Doctor Studebaker, no!
MACKENZIE
WOW that’s a lot of blood!
BOWDEN
Because it’s not just his! Look at all of the coffins!
GLORIA
There’s blood dripping from every--
SOUND: MORE BURSTS, MORE SNARLING ZOMBIES. DOZENS. HUNDREDS.
EDITH SUNDAY
Do you idiots need a psychic to tell you to run?! VAMINOS, PEOPLE!
SOUND: THE TEAM RUNS THROUGH THE DOOR AND SLAMS IT. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY SOUNDS OF ZOMBIES TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR.
SKIP
How long do you think before they--
SOUND: CRASH! A ZOMBIE KNOCKS DOWN THE DOOR, THE SNARLING IS NOW RIGHT ON TOP OF US.
MACKENZIE
What are these doors, balsa wood?
SOUND: A ZOMBIE LUNGES FORWARD.
BOWDEN
AGGGH! MY LEG!
GLORIA
HI-KEEBA!
SOUND: COMBAT. GLORIA KARATE KICKS THE ZOMBIE OFF BOWDEN.
BOWDEN
Watch my face!
MACKENZIE
Quick, get him in here!
SOUND: MOVEMENT. ANOTHER DOOR SLAMS, AGAIN FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF ZOMBIES TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH THE DOOR.
MACKENZIE
At least this door feels sturdier.
SKIP
How’s Bowden?
GLORIA
This gash is pretty deep. Bowden, are you all right?
BOWDEN
Ugh... strange... very strange, I feel... I feel like I want to...
SKIP
Get up?
MACKENZIE
Make a snide, vaguely misogynistic wisecrack about the situation?
GLORIA
Finally write and perform your Off-Off-Broadway one-man-play about the life of hall of fame NFL placekicker Jan Stenerud titled “Norway or the Highway”?
MACKENZIE
That was oddly specific.
GLORIA
Hey, the man has plans.
NOTE: FROM HERE THROUGH THE END OF THE SEGMENT, BOWDEN SPEAKS SLOW AND DULLY, LIKE A ZOMBIE.
ZOMBIE BOWDEN
I... want... brunch.
ALL
Brunch?
GLORIA
Bowden, you say brunch is where boring people would go to die if they weren’t already dead inside--
SOUND: BOWDEN ROARS AND ATTACKS GLORIA, WHO SCREAMS.
MACKENZIE
Gloria!
SKIP
Oh no!
ZOMBIE GLORIA
Brunch... brunch...
ZOMBIE GLORIA & ZOMBIE BOWDEN
Time for brunch...
EDITH SUNDAY
Skip! Stop them--
MACKENZIE
They’re trying to open the door!
SKIP
TOO LATE!
SOUND: THE DOOR FLIES OPEN. THE ROOM IS FLOODED BY BLOODTHIRSTY ZOMBIES. BUT NOW THEY’RE SPEAKING A LITTLE SLOWER AND WE HEAR THERE ARE ACTUAL WORDS IN THEIR GROANS.
A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES OVER ONE ANOTHER
Brunch/Netflix and chill/ikea this Sunday/late for crossfit/make zombies great again
MACKENZIE
Doctor Studebaker! He’s not dead, he’s one of them!
ZOMBIE STUDEBAKER
Must... DVR... The View...
EDITH SUNDAY
These aren’t just zombies, these are the worst kind of zombies!
SKIP
What do you mean? Are they George Romero Slow Zombies?
MACKENZIE
Zack Snyder Fast Zombies?
EDITH SUNDAY
Worse... these are BASIC ZOMBIES!
SOUND: ZOMBIES LUNGE. MACKENZIE AND EDITH SCREAM.
SKIP
McGrath! Edith! No!
ZOMBIE EDITH SUNDAY
New Nicholas Sparks is a three-hankie...
ZOMBIE MACKENZIE
Kim and Khloe’s summer line...SOUND: ZOMBIES ENCROACHING ON SKIP
SKIP
OK, you basic zombies, stay back! I’ve got a... lemme see, what’s this in my pocket... AHH! I’ve got a hotel key card! With real pointy corners! I’ve never hunted zombies before, but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
SOUND: THE ZOMBIES STOP.
SKIP
Wait, what? That worked?
ZOMBIE GLORIA
Skip... Skip Granger...
SKIP
Stay back, Gloria! Don’t--
SOUND: GLORIA SNIFFS SKIP.
SKIP
Don’t... smell me?
MORE ZOMBIES STEP FORWARD, SNIFFING.
ZOMBIE BOWDEN
Skills... none...
SKIP
What, hey...
ZOMBIE MACKENZIE
Talents... none...
SKIP
Hey! I’m an organizer!
ZOMBIE GLORIA
Total OCD... over-complicates everything...
SKIP
WHAT? That’s not true! I... I... I administrate! I practice all seven habits of highly effective people!
SOUND: THE ZOMBIES BEGIN TO LEAVE
SKIP
Wait... where are you going! You’re zombies! You take everyone! You took Bowden and McGrath and Gloria and... and.. don’t you need me too? I mean, the team couldn’t run without me, right? RIGHT?
SOUND: THE ZOMBIES ARE ALMOST GONE
SKIP
Guys, wait! I can’t do this without you! Bowden! McGrath! I need you! Don’t you... don’t you need me too?
SOUND: WIND BLOWS THROUGH THE EMPTY ROOM. SKIP IS ALONE.
SKIP
Guys?
(beat)
GUYS! Don’t leave me alone...in this...creepy old house...
SOUND: SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
SKIP
Oh...good...here comes...someone.
(the footsteps stop right behind him)
I mean at least the zombies left, what could be worse?
YETI
SKIP!
SKIP
AAAAAA OH GOD IT’S A YETI
YETI
RRAAAAUUURRGHHH! SKIIIIP!
SOUND: SKIP SCREAMS. THE YETI ROARS. THE HISSING OF GAS.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: Beep beep beep.
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath. Please put your phone away.
MACKENZIE
That gas gave me the munchies. I’m ordering sushi from the place on Fourth Street.
ZELDA
You can get your sushi after you debrief -
MACKENZIE
It was a long mission. I’m. Hungry. For some seafood.
ZELDA
...interesting. Why don’t you tell me what happened, Ms. McGrath?
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. TIDE MANOR
SOUND: Rain, thunder. The sound of gas dispersing. Mackenzie comes to, coughing.
MACKENZIE
Skip? Skip? Gloria? Bowden? Anybody?
SOUND: She gets to her feet.
MACKENZIE
Oh man, I must have passed out. Hello? Where are you guys? I’m in the dining room. Come on, seriously, this isn’t funny.
SOUND: Mackenzie tip toes through the house. The floor boards creak. A voice whispers “Mackenzie”.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, if this is your revenge on me for hacking your Alexa, well done. You win.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS
MACKENZIE
Skip?
SOUND: Footsteps approaching.
MACKENZIE
Skiiiip?
SOUND: The footsteps are every where now, coming from all sides. Getting closer.
MACKENZIE
SKIP!
SOUND: The footsteps are right on top Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE
(Screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
ZEEROX
(Simultaneously screaming) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
MACKENZIE
Woah! What the hell are you?
SOUND: An oozing, bubbling monster with infinite tentacles, Zeerox's voice is slow, deep and echoes, like he is three people speaking in unison.
ZEEROX
YOU KNOW ME ALREADY, EVEN IF YOU DARE NOT SPEAK MY NAME.
MACKENZIE
Yeah?
ZEEROX
AND I KNOW YOU...MACKENZIE MCGRATH!
MACKENZIE
Yeah, well, I’m kind of a big deal. But man, look at you! You’ve got so many tentacles!
ZEEROX
ENDLESS, INFINITE TENTACLES. EVER GRASPING - REACHING OUT TO ENTWINE THEM AROUND YOUR WORLD.
MACKENZIE
And all those eyes!!
ZEEROX
EACH ONE THE SOUL OF A PATHETIC HUMAN THAT I HAVE CONSUMED. I AM HUNGRY. THE TIME HAS COME TO FEAST AGAIN. I HAVE MOUTHS WITHIN MOUTHS. THOUSANDS OF TEETH TO RIP THE FLESH OF MAN. MY HUNGER IS ENDLESS.
MACKENZIE
Dude, I hear you. Do you want to like, order some wings? No. Tacos. YES. Definitely tacos. I could eat like a whole bag of fish tacos. Oh, sorry, does that like offend you, Mr. Tentacles?
ZEEROX
UHH...
MACKENZIE
(Giggly) I must be on the most amazing acid trip right now. I mean, I did it one time with these girls when I was in college, so I guess this is a flashback. I wish Skipperdedoodah was here. He’d freak.
ZEEROX
LAUGH WHILE YOU STILL CAN, MORTAL. SOON, THE TENTACLES OF ZEEROX WILL BE AROUND YOU AND I WILL FEED.
MACKENZIE
(Laughs full out) Zeerox. Oh Jesus, that is a stupid name. You know that’s the name of a photocopier, right? Which, by the way, is a machine that nobody uses any more. Except Gloria.
SOUND: Zeerox roars with the fury of the ocean. It is incredibly disturbing.
ZEEROX
SILENCE! YOU PUT ON A BRAVE FACE, MACKENZIE MCGRATH, BUT I KNOW YOU. THE WOMAN WHO INVENTED A MACHINE TO HIDE HER FACE. I WILL EXPOSE YOUR FEAR AND I SHALL FEAST!
SOUND: The faint beeps of the briefing room. Footsteps approaching
SKIP
Agent McGrath, report.
MACKENZIE
Skip! Thank goodness you’re here!
ZEEROX
HE CANNOT HEAR YOU. HE SEES ONLY...HER.
SOUND: Another set of footsteps. Another Mackenzie. We’ll call her McNarc. She’s all business.
MCNARC
Section Chief Granger, I am ready to be debriefed and I’ve left my report for you on your desk.
MACKENZIE
It’s me. Why...am I wearing a suit? Did he call me AGENT?
SKIP
I saw your report. In triplicate. Excellent work. Your filing systems are beginning to surpass mine.
MCNARC
Repurposing the SnapFace machine into an instant copier has been a most efficient use of time.
ZEEROX
AND YOU SAID NO ONE USES COPIERS.
MACKENZIE
Oh my God, I’ve gone square.
SKIP
And the merchandise?
MCNARC
I lead the raid on the local hacker’s club myself. Gathered some impressive tech. A few phone line spoofers, some new keystroke loggers we haven’t seen before...
SKIP
And?
MCNARC
The Red Gator. As promised. You should get it to Congresswoman Anders right away. The defense committee will want to use it.
MACKENZIE
I’m a NARC! Skip turned me into a NARC!
ZEEROX
SO MUCH DELICOUS ANGER.
MACKENZIE
This isn’t real! This is just Julia & Robin’s homemade acid coming back to haunt me.
ZEEROX
THE ANGER IS SO DELICOUS. BUT THE FEAR! THE FEAR IS GIVING ME POWER AFTER AN EON OF SLUMBER BEANTH THE OCEAN. I FEEL FREEEE!
SOUND: Zeerox begins to transform. It is incredibly disturbing.
MACKENZIE
You’re getting kind of bubbly and distorted there. It’s really gross. Stop it. What are you doing? What are you...
SOUND: Zeerox has transformed into a copy of Mackenzie, who we’ll call McZeerox. It speaks with a blend of Zeerox and Mackenzie’s voice.
MCZEEROX
Boo.
MACKENZIE
Holy crap you’re me.
MCZEEROX
I like this form. So much anger.
MACKENZIE
I’m not angry.
MCZEEROX
Oh yes. I could feed on this anger for days. SO DELICIOUS.
SOUND: Skip is coming in from the distance.
SKIP
McGrath? McGrath, where are you?
MCZEEROX
FRESH MEAT.
MACKENZIE
No! You leave him alone!
MCZEEROX
Why don’t you wait outside...this window?
SOUND: McZeerox pushes Mackenzie out the window and shuts it. She bangs on the glass from outside.
MACKENZIE
Hey! Hey! Let me back in! Skip! SKIP!
MCZEEROX
He can’t hear you. He only sees me now.
SOUND: Skip comes into the room.
SKIP
McGrath, thank goodness you’re okay. I don’t know what happened, I just woke up on the bathroom floor. I can’t find Edith, Bowden or Gloria anywhere - and there’s no sign of Yadnus Tide.
MCZEEROX
Yes, I had a strange experience too. I don’t remember how I got to the dining room.
SKIP
We better go find the others. I already looked upstairs. You take this floor and I’ll check the basement.
MCZEEROX
No, Skip, I don’t want to split up.
MACKENZIE (Outside)
Skip! Skip, it’s not me!
SKIP
That doesn't sound like you, you usually love working alone.
MACKENZIE (Outside)
That’s because it’s not me! She’s a demon, Skip! LOOK OUT HERE!
MCZEEROX
Please, Agent Granger...I’m scared.
SKIP
McGrath. I almost don’t know what to say. I’m so proud of you for admitting that. Don’t worry, I’m scared too, but we’re going to get through this. Together.
MCZEEROX
Can I...hold your hand?
MACKENZIE (Outside)
NO, SKIP! DON’T TRUST HER!
SKIP
This is very unusual, but after everything we’ve been through together recently...yes, I’ll hold your hand.
MCZEEROX
Thank you, Skip. I don’t say this enough, but you’re a good friend.
SKIP
Well, I’ve never said this, but I think the truth is...you’re my best friend...Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE (Outside)
WHAT?
MCZEEROX
And you’re mine.
SKIP
Awww. Uhh. You’re holing my hand pretty tight there, McGrath. Could you maybe loosen your grip?
SOUND: McZeerox’s hand starts to become a tentacle. It is incredibly disturbing.
SKIP
Uh...McGrath, you’re hurting me. Oh, God! Is your arm turning into a tentacle?
MACKENZIE (Outside)
Oh God! Oh no! Oh no! Skip! SKIP!!
SOUND: Mackenzie is furiously pounding on the window.
MCZEEROX
I want to be...close to you. I want...to devour you.
SOUND: McZeerox is bubbling and oozing and turning back into Zeerox. It is incredibly disturbing.
SKIP
I can’t! It’s against company regulations! I’ve just been letting it slide for Bowden and Gloria until the chief approves the new handbook. Also...you’re an octopus.
ZEEROX
YOU COMPLETE ME.
SKIP
Oh my God!
SOUND: Footsteps coming down the stairs in a hurry. It’s Edith.
EDITH SUNDAY
Agent Granger, the strangest thing happened! I just woke up in the doll room - BLAAAAAHYRGGGH
SOUND: One of Zeerox’s tentacles pierces straight through Edith’s chest, killing her. It is incredibly disturbing.
SKIP
Ms. Sunday! She never saw that coming!
ZEEROX
A COURTSEY I WILL NOT EXTEND TO YOU!!
SOUND: Zeerox growls hungrily. Skip squirms for his life.
MACKENZIE (Outside)
SKIP! SKIP! LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU MONSTER!
ZEEROX
BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, MACKENZIE MCGRATH. ALL THAT ANGER INSIDE YOU. ALL DIRECTED AT SKIP GRANGER. YOUR HATE IS DELICIOUS. I MUST EAT.
SOUND: The infinite mouths tear into Skip’s tender flesh.
SKIP
(Agony)
MACKENZIE (Outside)
NOOOOOO! SKIP! SKIP! I’M COMING!
SOUND: Mackenzie is pounding so hard on the window that it shatters. She climbs in.
MACKENZIE
Skip, it’s me! The real me! I’m here!
SKIP
McGrath, why didn’t you save me? I always save you.
MACKENZIE
Why did you do that?
ZEEROX
DELICIOUS!
SOUND: Zeerox devours what’s left of Skip. It is incredibly disturbing.
MACKENZIE
Why did you do that? Oh, Skip! I’m so sorry! I wanted to save you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
ZEEROX
ANOTHER SOUL TAKEN. ANOTHER EYE ON MY INFINITE HEAD. SOON I WILL BE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO RISE FROM MY RESTING PLACE. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE STRENGTH MACKENZIE MCGRATH.
SOUND: Zeerox wraps its tentacles around Mackenzie.
MACKENZIE
Stop! Stop! I don’t want to die! Someone has to tell Skip’s mom what happened to him. I promised I wouldn’t let him be disavowed.
ZEEROX
HUNGER.
MACKENZIE
Oh God...
SOUND: A door swings open. Both Mackenzie and Zeerox are startled.
MACKENZIE
Oh God whoever you are please save me!
YETI
MISS MCGRATH!
MACKENZIE
AAAAA A YETI
ZEEROX
Aaah! A Yeti!
SOUND: THE YETI ROARS. ZEEROX AND MCGRATH SCREAM. THE HISSING OF GAS.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
sound: bEEPING
BOWDEN (muttering)
...Stawny...Thomas...Birman...Hicks...Weinrib...Fairbanks...
ZELDA
Is Bowden mumbling information pertinent to this mission, Gloria?
GLORIA
Oh no, he calms himself by reciting every actor who’s ever played Robin Hood.
BOWDEN
...Elwes...Todd...Sinatra...Flynn ...Maguire...Praed...Armstrong... Cassel...
ZELDA
Bowden? Bowden. Take your face out of your hands at look at me -
BOWDEN
CroweConneryEgerton YOU WANT TO SEE MY FACE?
ZELDA
What's wrong with him?
BOWDEN
WHAT’S THE MATTER? DON’T YOU LIKE THIS FACE?
GLORIA
Bo, please, there’s nothing wrong with your -
BOWDEN
Go ahead, Chief, look at my beautiful face! I’ve been in pictures, you know!
ZELDA
Yes, you’ve mentioned it before.
BOWDEN
Let me tell you a story about my beautiful, beautiful face...
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. TIDE MANOR
SOUND: HOWLING WIND BEHIND THE WALLS, CREAKING BOARDS, BANGING SHUTTERS.
EDITH SUNDAY
Come, my sweeties! I can sense Tide’s presence! Follow Edith!
BOWDEN
How’s my mask, Gloria?
GLORIA
You look terrifying, Bo.(quick smooch) Go scare the pants off them.
EDITH SUNDAY
I sense Tide’s aura, right behind this door!
SOUND: Bodwen bursts into the room.
BOWDEN
(Impersonates Vincent Price) Behold your fearsome ancestor, Yadnus Tide, returned bodily from the grave, to bring your doom!
MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)
Aaaaaand - cut!
SOUND: A CLAPPER. ALL THE SFX CUT OFF. VOICES MILL ABOUT IN THE BACKGROUND.
BOWDEN
Wh...what?
GLORIA (voice somewhat different)
That was good stuff, Johnny.
BOWDEN
Gloria?
MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)
OK, we’re gonna break for lunch, back at 2, people!
SOUND: THE SET ROLLS AWAY.
BOWDEN
What? What’s happening? The whole house was a set? It’s daytime? Gloria?
GLORIA
Hm? Why are you still calling me Gloria, Johnny?
BOWDEN
Why are you calling me Johnny?
GLORIA
Ohhhh, right. This is one of those times you go total method, right?
BOWDEN
Was this operation some kind of double-cross, with a fake house, and a...what do you mean method?
GLORIA
Why don’t you take off that old-person mask, Bowden Montcrief.
BOWDEN
Oh, right.
SOUND: Bowden rips off his mask.
GLORIA
Good. And I’ll take off mine.
BOWDEN
Take off what -
SOUND: Gloria peels off her face.
BOWDEN
WHAT?!? You’re not Gloria!
GLORIA
Uhhh, nope.
BOWDEN
You’re...Kristen Bell?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Knock it off, Johnny! You’re such a kidder.
BOWDEN
I think I’m losing my mind. Where are we?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
We’re on the set.
BOWDEN
The set? Of what? The Good Place? Veronika Mars? Please don’t say they’re rebooting Heroes.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
C’mon, ya jerk, let’s get lunch.
BOWDEN
But...oh! Skip!
SKIP (rushing up, nervous)
What’s HAPPENING?
BOWDEN
Thank God, Skip!
SKIP
WHAT’S happening? What’s HAPPENING?
BOWDEN
What’s -
SKIP (suddenly casual and British)
Johnny you’re good at this, when Skip bursts in the room should it be WHAT’S happening, or what’s HAPPENING?
BOWDEN
Why do you have a British accent?
SKIP
What?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Johnny’s gone method.
SKIP
Ahhhh.
BOWDEN
I’m not Johnny!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Get out of your mask, Tom, we’re getting lunch.
SKIP
Oh, yeah, right.
SOUND: Skip peels off his face.
SKIP
Ah, that feels better.
BOWDEN
NO.
SKIP
What?
BOWDEN
NO....TOM HOLLAND?
SKIP/TOM
He’s really deep in, huh?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Mmhm.
SKIP/TOM
It’s a little scary.
BOWDEN
You’re not even old enough to play Skip! You’re still playing a sixteen-year old Spiderman!
SKIP/TOM
Well...the masks help.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
How old do you think Skip is?
BOWDEN
I mean, I don’t know -
SKIP/TOM
Can I ask you, how old is Bowden?
BOWDEN
What?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Don’t try to figure out the timeline. The EMF uses slide projectors.
BOWDEN
They’re...just...retro-futuristic!
SKIP/TOM
Because Bowden said he was in Boogie Nights, but I don’t think he’s older than thirty-five -
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Let’s hope not, he’s dating the intern -
SKIP/TOM
Graduate fellow!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Whatever.
BOWDEN
GUYS. What the hell is going on?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Johnny, seriously, are you going to be Bowden all day?
BOWDEN
Just talk to me as if I’m Bowden, not Johnny, OK?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Is this what he was like to work with on Pirates of the Caribbean?
BOWDEN
On - wait I’m that Johnny?
SKIP/TOM
OK, Bowden (as if to a child) We’re all actors. Working on a action-comedy television show. Called The Rejected Missions.
MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)
Clear the set, people!
BOWDEN
Who’s that?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
That’s our director, Ryan Murphy.
MISSION VOICE (LOUDSPEAKER)
And someone get me a sandwich!
BOWDEN
OK. What’s this television show about?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
It’s about the idiots who have to take the missions that the action hero rejects.
BOWDEN
THE IDIOTS?
SKIP/TOM
I mean, great concept, right? Why wouldn’t Netflix make that TV show? (directly to the audience)
Right, Netflix? This is Tom Holland saying: why wouldn’t you make that show?
BOWDEN
I’m not - my life is not a joke!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Nazli? Help us out?
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
What’s up?
BOWDEN
NAZLI? That’s your name, McGrath?
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
Oh God. Is he going method again? (as to a child, or maybe a deaf person) Yes, Johnny, Nazli Sarpkaya, good to meet you!
BOWDEN
You...you...you know I’ve never heard of you, where did they find you?
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
Hey, I’m a versatile multi-lingual young actor starring in award-winning independent films and audio fiction, why shouldn’t I be on a series? (directly to audience) Why. Shouldn’t. I. Be? Netflix.
BOWDEN
No, no, no. I’m Bowden Montcrief. I’m Bowden Montcrief.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
OK. Bowden. Let’s talk about this.
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
I’m Turkish, everybody’s looking for diversity -
EDITH SUNDAY
I’m Jessica Lange!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Is Bowden Montcrief the person you really want to be? Making up stories about all the celebrities you know?
BOWDEN
I! I certainly do NOT make up stories -
GLORIA/KRISTEN
When you first met Gloria, did you tell her that your friend Clint Eastwood gave you advice?
BOWDEN
Well, I -
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Did you forget to tell her the only time you ever met Clint was when you cornered him at the SAG awards and he yelled any cliched tripe he could think of just to get away from you?
BOWDEN
Listen, I have made peace with being a relative unknown, while helping to make the world a safer place. I addressed all of these issues in the last two episodes.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Episodes?
BOWDEN
Missions! Missions. They were missions.
SKIP/TOM
Is it weird that our characters call them “missions” and not, like, “ops”? Isn’t “mission” a little... juvenile?
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
God knows who writes this show.
BOWDEN
I don’t care if my life and history and timeline don’t make sense! I want my friends back! I want my life back!
SKIP/TOM
I think something’s wrong with him.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
We have to get the Bowden mask off.
BOWDEN
What?
SKIP/TOM
Yeah, it’s not healthy.
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
It’s making him disappear into the part.
SKIP/TOM
No, I mean, honestly, I think they make these masks with asbestos.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
The asbestos must be getting into his brain! We have to help him! Pull the face off!
BOWDEN
No!
EDITH SUNDAY
Yes! His aura hides his true soul!
BOWDEN
Hey I thought you were Jessica Lange!
EDITH
What? I am. I was rehearsing my lines - ooh! Are you guys tearing off Johnny’s face? Can I help?
GLORIA/KRISTEN
Sure!
EDITH SUNDAY
Sweet!
BOWDEN
Get away from me!
SKIP/TOM
Careful he’s got a fireplace poker!
EDITH
It’s just a prop!
SOUND: BOWDEN BRAINS EDITH WITH THE POKER.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
You killed Jessica Lange!
MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY (LOUDSPEAKER)
Crap! Did anyone film it?
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
Grab him!
SKIP/TOM
Easy, Johnny!
BOWDEN
I’M NOT JOHNNY.
MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY
I had her under contract for AHS! Somebody get me a hatchet I’m gonna kill that guy!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
He’s had a complete break from reality!
BOWDEN
You’re telling me!
SKIP/TOM
We have to snap him out of it!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
We have to pull off the Bowden Montcrief mask!
MACKENZIE/NAZLI
Let’s just do it.
BOWDEN
This isn’t a mask! It’s my face!
GLORIA/KRISTEN
It’s OK, Johnny, we’ll get it off you.
BOWDEN
NO WAIT -
MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY
Hey, they’re tearing this guy’s face off, get a camera on it!
SECURITY GUY
I’ll do it, Ryan -
MISSION VOICE/RYAN MURPHY
Get back in your cage, Brad!
SECURITY GUY
Yes sir.
GlORIA/KRISTEN
C’mon Johnny. Let’s see who you really are under there.
BOWDEN
NO PLEASE NO DON’T TAKE MY FACE OFF NO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE
SOUND: THE MASK IS PEELED OFF.
SOUND: A SCREECHING CAPUCHIN MONKEY SOUND.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
See, isn’t that better? You look just like you did in Pirates of the Caribbean.
YETI
HE’S VERY CUTE.
GLORIA/KRISTEN
I know right I mean AAAAA A YETI!
SOUND: PANDEMONIUM AS THE ENTIRE CREW RUNS FROM THE ROARING YETI. THE HISSING OF GAS.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: Beeping
BOWDEN
...Stawny...Thomas...Birman...Hicks...Weinrib...Fairbanks... (This continues in the background)
GLORIA
Shh, Bo, it’s OK.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, knock it off. Have some sushi.
ZELDA
...so, Agent Granger. You never actually encountered Tide?
SKIP
No. For all I know he, she, or they weren’t even in the house.
ZELDA
And how did you get out of the house?
GLORIA
Oh I can explain that, Chief.
ZELDA
Yes?
GLORIA
I put on a Yeti mask and chased everyone out of the house while playing the theme song to Scooby Doo on my phone.
ZELDA
YOU were the Yeti?
MACKENZIE
She makes a very convincing Yeti when you’re tripping balls.
GLORIA
Thanks!
SKIP
It’s fortunate that Gloria was able to get us out, or there might have been casualties.
ZELDA
You mean other than Edith Sunday.
SKIP
Yes. Other than Gloria’s Yeti, the one thing the hallucinations had in common was her death, and when we escaped the house she had simply... vanished. I take full responsibility.
ZELDA
Agent, you do realize that “Edith Sunday” is “Yadnus H. Tide” spelled backwards?
Aghast silence.
MACKENZIE
Whooaaa. Mind BLOWN.
SKIP
I...wait...how - what does that mean?
ZELDA
It means there never was an Edith Sunday. It means I barely know if there was ever a Yadnus Tide. This was not a zero-success mission. This was a NEGATIVE-success mission. I may know less now than I knew when I sent you off. I don’t know WHAT’S real anymore. None of this makes sense.
GLORIA
I mean, it was just a bunch of hallucinations, what doesn’t make sense about that?
ZELDA
...Gloria?
GLORIA
Yes?
ZELDA
How is it that you didn’t succumb to the gas?
GLORIA
...oh. That’s easily explained.
ZELDA
I’m all ears.
GLORIA
It’s because I am (explodes into tentacles) ZEEROX THE INFINITELY TENTACLED!
SOUND: BUBBLING AND OOZING. GLORIA SPEAKS IN A COMBINATION OF HER OWN VOICE AND ZEEROX, WHICH WE'LL CALL GLOROX
ZELDA
What? WHAT?
GLOROX
AND YOUR PUNY GAS HAS NO EFFECT ON MY MAJESTIC ASTRAL GILLS!
ZELDA
Help!
SKIP
Stand back, Chief!
SOUND: A TERRIFYING CHAINSAW BATTLE WITH GLOROX.
ZELDA
Wait Skip how did you get a chainsaw?
MACKENZIE
Section Chief!
ZELDA
Yes Madame President I MEAN WHO IN THE WHAT NOW!
MACKENZIE
You’ve screwed up this operation for the last time!
ZELDA
NO! MACKENZIE MCGRATH IS NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
MACKENZIE
I’m your commander-in-chief and have half a mind to declare you unfit to wear that EMF security lanyard!
BOWDEN
I’m Jessica Lange!
GLOROX
I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR WORLD!
SKIP
No problem! I got it, Chief!
YETI
RROOOAARRRGH
SKIP
AAA A YETI
ZELDA
NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO
SOUND: THE SOUND OF GAS AS ZELDA KEEPS SCREAMING.
LEGRANGE
Hey! Hey there, wake up, you!
SKIP
Chief! Chief are you OK?
BOWDEN
Zelda!
MACKENZIE
She’s fine! She probably took worse things in graduate school.
GLORIA
She’s snapping out of it! Chief! Are you all right?
ZELDA
I...I...I had a vision of Zeerox!
SKIP
Zeerox?
ZELDA
Yes! They were eating the world! And you were there! And you! And you! And...(sobering up)
...you gassed me before you ever even got out of the office, didn’t you?
BOWDEN
Right in the parking lot.
SKIP
I’m so sorry, Chief. It was an accident -
GLORIA
We got you to Doctor Legrange right away.
BOWDEN
She and Doctor Studebaker whipped up an inhalant antidote for you.
LEGRANGE
Sure did!
MACKENZIE
Studebaker, you’re not a chemist, what do you know about hallucinogens?
DOCTOR STUDEBAKER
I followed the Dead from seventy four to seventy eight, Casey Jones.
ZELDA
Doctor Legrange.
LEGRANGE
Yes?
ZELDA
Get me out of here.
LEGRANGE
Sure thing, Johnny.
ZELDA
The rest of you...(dawning horror) What did you call me?
LEGRANGE
Nothing. Johnny.
SOUND: They all begin to laugh. It is incredibly disturbing.
ZELDA
Skip, when I wake up, I’m going to murder you.
MUSIC: END CREDITS (HALLOWEEN VERSION)
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. It was directed by Pete Barry and J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcreif, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. Guest starring were Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker, Nani Mannon as Edith Sunday, Mike Scholtes as Zeerox, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol LeGrange and Bob Killion as The Admiral and Security Guy.
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected and support us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for exclusive content bonus audio and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
EXT. THE SHIP
SOUND: A bubbling hot tub. The ship's bell rings. Chet sinks into it.
CHET
Ooooh yeah, that’s nice. Just what the doctor ordered.
OCEAN GIRL
That was quite a party, Admiral! One for the record books!
THE ADMIRAL
Ah yes! There’s nothing quite like a good soak in the on deck hot tub to rejuvenate the blood stream and purge the body of toxins before an orgy.
OCEAN GIRL
(Giggles)
THE ADMIRAL
I hope I’ll be seeing you there, Trixie.
OCEAN GIRL
If that’s what the Admiral orders.
THE ADMIRAL
And you, Mr. Doe? I hope you don’t find my frankness too shocking.
CHET
It’s not my first rodeo.
THE ADMIRAL
Excellent. And what about you, Zeerox?
ZEEROX
I SHALL BE THERE TO SOAK IN THE OPULANCE AND EXCESS OF MY SUPPLICANTS AS THEY FORNICATE IN WORSHIP TO ME.
CHET
When do we get to see what’s underneath that costume, big guy?
ZEEROX
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
CHET
You’re dressed like a multi-tentacled Eldritch horror.
ZEEROX/OCEAN GIRL/THE ADMIRAL
AND?
SOUND: The Admiral, Ocean Girl and Zeerox laugh.
MUSIC: STING
CHET
Ugh. I guess I picked the wrong day to stop inhaling P-13 gas.