Season One, Episode Eleven: “THE SLOW AND THE STEAMED”
Transcript
EXT. THE OPEN SEAS
SOUND: The call of a gull. The OB cruise ship sails through the water. Its horn blows.
ADMIRAL (Over the PA)
On the open seas, we are free from the laws of man! Why not marry your cousin tonight in our luxurious chapel?
INT. THE SPA
SOUND: Oscillators hum musically. Chimes toll softly.
CHET
Trixie, I think our visits to the spa are getting to be my favorite part of this cruise.
OCEAN GIRL
Ready for your massage, Chetty?
CHET
Yes, please! I’ve got lumbar so stiff you could use it as a foot bridge.
OCEAN GIRL
Hop on up on the table. I just finished heating the oil.
CHET
Mmm. Sexy. Say, what’s with all the humming?
OCEAN GIRL
Don’t you worry about it. Just a cleansing atmosphere.
SOUND: Ocean Girl starts massaging Chet.
CHET
Good gravy, your hands are magic.
OCEAN GIRL
You are feeling very sleepy. Very relaxed.
CHET
Relaxed enough to go right back to bed!
OCEAN GIRL
Now, Chetty, I told you. It will be a lot more fun after you’ve had your cleansing and processing. Now, listen to the pretty music.
SOUND: The oscillators whistle harmonically
CHET
It’s so...lovely.
SOUND: The sounds become overwhelming for a moment and then subside to a low hum.
OCEAN GIRL
Chet, can you hear me?
CHET (Hypnotic. Almost dead.)
Yes. I can hear you.
OCEAN GIRL
Good. Now Chet, I need to know, do you have a tape for me today?
CHET (Hypnotic)
Yes. It came this morning. It’s in my coat pocket.
OCEAN GIRL
Why don’t they just send a digital file?
CHET (Hypnotic)
Tapes are coming back. Just like LPs. Wait and see. 8 tracks are next.
OCEAN GIRL
Alright. Well, why don’t we hear what EMF has for you this time?
CHET (Hypnotic)
Idiots.
SOUND: The door opens and the Admiral enters.
ADMIRAL
How’s our patient? Learn anything useful?
OCEAN GIRL
I’m just about to play the tape.
SOUND: The tape clicks on and unspools
MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Good afternoon, Mr. Phillips. I hope you have been enjoying the sun. We have recently been alerted to an extremely dangerous development in regards to your current situation, please listen carefully. You have been -
SOUND: There’s interference on the tape.
OCEAN GIRL
Huh?
BOWDEN (On tape)
Now you listen to me, Mister Year Long Vacation, I need your help. Someone stole my girl Gloria’s car. A 2012 SAAB 9-3 in sunflower yellow. Goes by the name of Daisy. She’s beside herself and I promised her I would get it back. Also, she’s been driving me to my auditions. You owe me, Phillips. Remember what happened in Puerto Vallarta? Because I do. Anyway...call me.
SOUND: The tape clicks off.
ADMIRAL
That was utterly useless!
CHET (Hypnotic)
Useless.
OCEAN GIRL
What are we going to do now, Admiral?
CHET (Hypnotic)
Bed?
ADMIRAL
Bah! Do with him as you wish until the next tape arrives.
SOUND: The Admiral storms out.
OCEAN GIRL
Hmm. Cluck like a chicken.
SOUND: Chet clucks like a chicken. Ocean Girl titters in delight.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC.
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups! Tonight’s episode: The Slow and The Steamed.
INT. ZELDA’S OFFICE
SOUND: Zelda typing when suddenly the door opens.
MACKENZIE
Time for some shooty shooty...OH! Zelda! What are you doing here?
ZELDA
What am I doing in MY office? I should ask you the same thing.
MACKENZIE
I thought we had the day off. I was going to play some Overclock Battle Royale. I like taking out dweeby incels for fun.
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath, you were going to play a video game on MY personal computer?
MACKENZIE
It’s the only one with enough processing speed to really snipe those dweebs. Unless you’d rather I use the mainframe.
ZELDA
No. Thank you very much. Unfortunately for you today is NOT a day off. Not for me. At the moment we’re focused on a last ditch effort to bring back Agent Chet Phillips from his “vacation.”
MACKENZIE
How absolutely typical. Nobody tell me anything!
ZELDA
I was under the impression you didn’t want me to speak to you at all. Especially after I accused you of espionage.
MACKENZIE
Yes, well, I got your fruit basket apology.
ZELDA
I didn’t send a...(realizing) Granger.
MACKENZIE
Speaking of - where is the Skipper? If it’s not a day off, where is he? Where’s Gloria?
ZELDA
Miss Kovak’s car got stolen last night.
MACKENZIE
And nobody accused me! What a refreshing change of pace.
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath, while I have MUCH work to do, it does appear you have the day off. Go to a movie, go...hack something. Just don’t tell me about it.
MACKENZIE
I don’t like the movies that much.
ZELDA
That is not my problem.
MACKENZIE
Your office is kind of boring. You don’t even get a window?
ZELDA
We’re in the sub-basement of a top secret government facility. How and why would there be windows?
MACKENZIE
Oh, is this a picture of your wife Pat? She’s adorable! All smiles. Kind of balances out all your grimacing.
ZELDA
Ms. McGrath, will you please go home?
MACKENZIE
I AM HOME! I’m not allowed to have my own place until I’ve worked off my sentence. You all keep me here like a horse in a stable!
ZELDA
My office is not your home. You have perfectly lovely quarters on Sigma level. Besides, you aren’t a prisoner here. You can go out. Just be back by curfew.
MACKENZIE
Yes, mother.
SOUND: The door opens.
GLORIA
I’m here, Section Chief Anders.
ZELDA
Oh yes, do come in Gloria. No need to knock on the door to my private office.
GLORIA
Sorry, chief. I went right to the briefing room but there’s no one there.
ZELDA
No, apparently everyone is in my office.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SOUND: City sounds. Cars honking.
INT. BOWDEN’S APARTMENT
SOUND: The door bell rings.
BOWDEN
Coming! Coming!
SOUND: The door opens.
BOWDEN
Skip! Welcome to my humble abode.
SKIP
Bowden, I got your message. What’s so urgent?
BOWDEN
I’ve got a mission for us. Very hush hush. No tape. No briefing. You want a cappuccino? Espresso? I keep a well stocked kitchen. I highly recommend the biscotti.
SKIP
No, I’m trying to cut back on my coffee intake. Why do YOU have a mission? Why isn’t Section Chief Anders...
BOWDEN
As you know, Skip, Zelda and I are old friends. She entrusted me to take this to you...off the record. It’s very sensitive and you know her concerns about leaks right now. Are you sure I can’t tempt you? Green tea latte? Maybe a piece of sponge cake?
SKIP
No, I’m fine, thanks. I suppose it does make a certain sense for the chief to pass information on to a trusted source. I’m just surprised she didn’t come to me. No, Skip, be honest, you’re not surprised. You’re just disappointed. No, no, Skip, you have to be HONEST, you’re sad. You’re sad your boss can’t come to you with important information. I’ll have a large moca late with three shots of espresso, two shots of caramel, whole milk and three sugars.
BOWDEN
Whipped cream?
SKIP
What am I, a monster? YES OF COURSE WHIPPED CREAM.
BOWDEN
You got it.
SOUND: Bowden pours and Skip DOWNS the coffee.
SKIP
Wow. Bowden, you make a killer coffee.
BOWDEN
I’ve never seen anyone down that much coffee that quickly. Another cup?
SKIP
Please.
SOUND: The doorbell
BOWDEN
Who is it?
MARIO (Through the door)
It’s a-me, Mario!
BOWDEN
Avanti!
SFX: The door opens
MARIO
Ah, Signore Bowden, my old friend! Come, let me say hello!
SFX: Mario kissing Bowden on each cheek.
BOWDEN
Saluti, Mario! Thank you for coming on such short notice.
MARIO
For you, anything!
BOWDEN
Skip, I’d like you to meet Mario Capretti, one of Italy’s top race car drivers. Grand Prix, F-1, Stock Car...Mario here has won them all.
MARIO
Bowden, you flatter me.
SKIP
It’s a pleasure, Signore Capretti. How do you know Bowden?
MARIO
Everyone in Italy knows the great Bowden Montcrief! He was the star of my favorite movie: L'amore spiacevole
SKIP
I don’t think I’ve seen it.
BOWDEN
It went straight to video here as Pastanado. I hear Mystery Science Theater 3000 might do it next season.
MARIO
I prefer-a the Rifftrax.
SKIP
Well, as nice as this is, Bowden, should we go somewhere more private to finish our conversation?
BOWDEN
No, Skip, it’s alright. Mario is here to help us with our mission.
SKIP
He’s an EMF agent?
BOWDEN
Mario knows more about cars than anyone in the world, so that’s why I - I mean, Zelda - called him in.
SKIP
What is this mission?
BOWDEN
Someone has stolen a 2012 SAAB 9-3. Sunflower yellow. It’s vitally important we get it back.
MARIO
Such a beautiful car. For the Swedish.
SKIP
Wait. Doesn't Gloria drive a sunflower yellow SAAB 9-3?
BOWDEN
Oh...does she?
SKIP
You’re dating her!
BOWDEN
I guess I hadn’t noticed.
SKIP
You notice everything! That’s like you’re entire thing!
BOWDEN
More coffee?
SKIP
Third cup’s the charm!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. ZELDA'S OFFICE
MACKENZIE
So, Gloria, what’s the story with your car?
GLORIA
I had it parked around the corner from my apartment last night and when I got up this morning - nothing but some smashed glass where I left it. The police say there’s been a string of similar car jackings in my neighborhood.
MACKENZIE
You know, Gloria, I don’t think I know where you live.
GLORIA
It’s not a great neighborhood.
MACKENZIE
Actually, until the chief said it earlier, I don’t even think I knew your last name was Kovak.
GLORIA
Well, we don’t really talk much outside of work.
ZELDA
What a shame. Why don’t you two get to know each other a little better over breakfast? The little place across from the parking garage has surprisingly delightful crepes.
SOUND: Phone rings
MACKENZIE
I don’t really get crepes. Why not just have flapjacks?
SOUND: Zelda picks up phone
ZELDA
Anders. What? Right now? HERE? Alright. Any word from Phillips? Damn it. Alright, I’ll assemble the team. Thank you, Madam Secretary.
SOUND: Zelda hangs up
GLORIA
Serious business, chief?
ZELDA
Unexpected. Kristatos O’Brien has reemerged. He was just spotted heading to the warehouse district. We’ve been watching his potato warehouses for sometime, assuming they are a front for his criminal enterprise, but we’ve never been able to get inside. This might be our chance. Breakfast is canceled. Gloria, get Granger and Montcrief in here ASAP.
GLORIA
I’ve been calling Bo - uh, Mr. Montcrief - all morning. I think his phone is off.
ZELDA
Alright then, start with Granger.
MACKENZIE
Why bother? I think we’ve got everything we need right here.
ZELDA
What do you mean?
MACKENZIE
It’s just a recon mission, right? Why do we need anyone else’s help for that? I see three totally capable agents right here.
ZELDA
ME? In the field? I...I haven’t been in the field in years.
MACKENZIE
Don’t you miss it?
ZELDA
I mean, I haven’t really thought about it.
MACKENZIE
C’mon! Do you want to sit in this windowless cage all day or do you want to get out there and spy on some baddies?
GLORIA
It will be a girls day out!
ZELDA
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but don’t forget I’m monitoring the Phillips situation.
MACKENZIE
If the world’s most famous spy suddenly strolls back into work, someone will call you. You’re the Section Chief, lady boss! You do what you want.
ZELDA
You know what? You’re right. Let me just grab my things.
SOUND: Drawer opening. Zelda pulls out an semi-automatic handgun and pulls back the loading chamber.
MACKENZIE
Woah, Zelda’s packing heat!
GLORIA
A Glock 19M special issue with the flared magazine for improved reload time. Excellent choice, boss.
SOUND: The gun cocks.
ZELDA
Don’t leave home with out it. Let’s go.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. BOWDEN'S APARTMENT
SOUND: Skip slurps up his coffee and makes a refreshed sound.
SKIP
Damn good coffee! And hot! Maybe just one more.
BOWDEN
You drank the whole pot.
SKIP
I’ll start a fresh batch.
SOUND: Throughout the next bit, we here Skip making coffee in the background.
MARIO
So, Bowden, what do we know about the carjackings in the city?
BOWDEN
We know the neighborhood where they are being taken from is...not so good. Even the stray cats carry switchblades.
MARIO
Ahhh, it reminds me of my childhood in Sicily.
BOWDEN
Anyway, the police believe that the cars are being taken to the southern end of town. Possibly to a chop shop.
SKIP
Chop suey? Mmm. That sounds amazing. I dunno, though. A little early for Chinese.
SFX: Aerosol whipped cream being sprayed into coffee.
SKIP
You’re out of whipped cream, by the way.
BOWDEN
Why don’t you lay off the coffee for a bit, Skip?
SKIP
I’m fine! I’m fine! I feel GREAT actually.
MARIO
I like-a this boy, Bowden. When this is over, I’ll make you my special espresso. It will curl the hairs on your chest.
SKIP
FREAKY!
BOWDEN
Can we please concentrate? In addition to the car thefts there has also been a spike in illegal street racing!
SKIP
Who the hell races a SAAB?
MARIO
The Swedish. Besides, a good driver like me can race anything!
BOWDEN
You don’t have to tell me twice. I once saw you win five thousand Euros racing a Yugo!
MARIO
Bowden, my friend, you could not have picked a better man for this job. We will go to the neighborhood where the polizia say these races are happening, talk to a few people and arrange for me to race against their best man. Winner takes home the stolen car.
BOWDEN
Brilliant, Mario.
MARIO
The only thing is, we will need some money to make it worth their while.
BOWDEN
How’s half a million dollars?
SKIP
Where did you get half a million dollars?
BOWDEN
My old sitcom, Acquaintances, is red hot on streaming right now. Plus, I have an adult diaper commercial that’s been playing in Japan for almost five years.
MARIO
We will also need, how you say...collateral. We must offer a pink slip on our own car to enter the race.
BOWDEN
Damn. What the hell are we going to offer a bunch gear heads that will get their attention?
SKIP
WHATEVER WE WANT!
BOWDEN
Pardon?
SKIP
EMF has a whole garage full of amazing cars! You think Chet Phillips pays for the Porsche himself? It’s a company car! We can requisition anything you want! If it’s that important, I’m sure Section Chief Anders will sign off.
BOWDEN
Uh, listen, Skip, what if I told you Section Chief Anders didn’t really know about this mission...
SKIP
I knew it! I knew it! This IS Gloria’s car we’re going after, isn’t it?
BOWDEN
Alright, yes. I promised her I would get it back. She told me to leave it to the police, but we’re secret agents, damn it! If I can’t do this for Gloria than what’s the point of doing this at all?
SKIP
Bowden, this is totally against company regulations, a very gray area on my own personal moral compass, and a possibly very dangerous idea. AND I’M ALL IN!
BOWDEN
You are?
SKIP
Old Skip is dead. Meet Coffee Skip. Coffee Skip lives by the seat of his pants.
MARIO
Malto benne! This one crazy guy! I love him!
SKIP
Let’s go get us a fast car. But first...we’re going to STARBUCKS!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. ZELDA’S CAR
SOUND: A car pulling up on gravel then coming to a stop.
ZELDA
McGrath, park it here. This looks like a good place to set up the stake out.
MACKENZIE
I can’t believe I’m driving a Gran Turismo! Boss lady, you got style.
GLORIA
Actually, I picked it out. It’s one of the agency vehicles.
ZELDA
This is the perfect spot. From here we have a clear view of warehouses B and C, both of which are owned by the O’Brien Potato Company. Gloria, keep an eye to the south, you should be able to see any cars pulling in from the gate.
GLORIA
Got it, chief.
ZELDA
McGrath, you watch C and I’ll take warehouse B.
MACKENZIE
What if I wanted B?
ZELDA
Where does your problem with authority come from, exactly?
MACKENZIE
When I was in second grade, we were painting nature scenes in art class and my teacher, Mrs. Goldfarb, tore mine up because I painted a smiley face on the sun.
GLORIA
That’s terrible!
MACKENZIE
She said the real sun didn’t smile. Or wear sunglasses. She made me start again. Ever since then, I do things MY way.
ZELDA
(Laughs)
MACKENZIE
I’m serious!
ZELDA
I’m sorry. I don’t really know why I’m laughing. I didn’t expect you to give an honest answer. Little Mackenzie McGrath got her painting torn up and look at her now. Go ahead, Mackenzie. Take B.
MACKENZIE
I want C. And it’s McGrath.
GLORIA
Don’t you like your first name?
MACKENZIE
I love it. That’s why nobody gets to use it.
ZELDA
So, just a textbook case of keeping everyone at arm’s length so no one can hurt you.
MACKENZIE
Not at all. It’s just that some people get in my circle and some people don’t. Most people don’t. But I get to make that call. If you get to be one of the people who uses my name, you’ll know it.
ZELDA
I won’t hold my breath. McGrath.
SOUND: A car pulling up in the distance.
GLORIA
I’ve got a van coming into view...it’s an O’Brien Potato Company van. It’s got “Paddy Wagon” written across the side.
ZELDA
That’s his personal van. Come on, show yourself, Kristatos.
SOUND: A car door opening.
GLORIA
It’s him! Kristatos O’Brien! He looks awful! Are those the same clothes he was wearing at the pier five months ago?
ZELDA
We need to get a bug on him.
MACKENZIE
Leave it to me, chief.
SOUND: McGrath opens her car door.
ZELDA
McGrath! What are you doing? We need a plan! Be careful!
SFX: The door shuts. (The end of Zelda’s line should get muffled as the door shuts - we follow McGrath outside.) McGrath takes a few steps.
MACKENZIE
Oh, Mr. O’Brien! Mr. O’Brien, is that you?
KRISTATOS
What? Who are you?
MACKENZIE
I am your BIGGEST fan!
KRISTATOS
My what? Go away, young lady, this is no place for you!
MACKENZIE
I will, I will, but couldn’t I just have one autographed potato?
KRISTATOS
You want...a potato?
MACKENZIE
Autographed by the man who has DEFINED what a potato should be. Rich. Creamy. SENSUAL.
KRISTATOS
Oh. Well. What...what kind of potato would you like?
MACKENZIE
Russet.
KRISTATOS
Excellent choice. Let me see what I have in the van.
SOUND: Van’s back door sliding open.
KRISTATOS
Ah! Here we are. Now, who do I make that out to?
MACKENZIE
Anita Borg.
SOUND: Kristatos autographs a potato.
KRISTATOS
There you go. Now, move along. This is not a good place for a nice girl like you. You remind me of my daughter. Go. Go.
SOUND: Footsteps moving off in either direction. McGrath opens the car door and gets back in.
GLORIA
Did you get the bug on him?
MACKENZIE
You know I did. While he was digging in the van for a russet. Tune the radio to 610 AM, it should pick up his signal.
SOUND: Tuning the car radio. After a moment, it tunes in on Kristatos.
ZELDA
Well done, McGrath. Very well done indeed.
MACKENZIE
Take that, Mrs. Goldfarb.
ZELDA
Shh! He’s talking with someone.
KRISTATOS (Over the radio)
Pebble, how many times to I have to tell you? We have a serious cash problem.
PEBBLE (Over the radio)
How many times do I have to tell YOU? I am making mad bank doing races.
KRISTATOS (Over the radio)
You are drawing too much attention to yourself. It will lead the police here. I want these cars chopped up and sold for scrap! Today! Start with this SAAB. I heard them looking for it on the police scanner.
GLORIA
Did he say SAAB?
KRISTATOS (Over the radio)
My daughter is missing. Someone is STEALING FROM ME. The Admiral sent a Chet Phillips doppelganger to kill me. I don’t need any more trouble! Chop up the cars! I’ll be in my office. Perhaps I will feel at peace among the potatoes.
SOUND: Kristatos walks off.
MACKENZIE
Who is The Admiral?
ZELDA
My guess...H.R.R Fletcher. Founder of the Oceanologists.
SOUND: A sports car peels into the warehouse.
ZELDA
What the hell was that?
MACKENZIE
A Corvette GT 5! In flamingo pink! 2017 Miami car show limited edition.
GLORIA
Forget the Corvette, did he say SAAB?
SOUND: Static.
MACKENZIE
Something’s jamming the bug! Who’s in that Corvette?
INT. WAREHOUSE B
SOUND: Corvette doors opening. Three people get out.
PEBBLE
Woah, woah, woah! Nice wheels! Who are yous guys?
MARIO
It’s a-me...Mario!
SKIP
And I’m his brother Luigi. Number-a-one!
BOWDEN
I told you NOT to have anymore coffee. You cannot blow this.
PEBBLE
Mario Capretti! I saw you race in Madrid. You’re the crazy fool who did the running of the bulls...in a DeLorean!
MARIO
It was nothing.
PEBBLE
You are the boss, man! Respect! What do you want here, dog?
SKIP
Cappuccino, if you have it.
MARIO
I’m in town for a short time, I hear Pebble is the best racer in the city. Well, I’m the best racer in the world. Let’s-a race.
PEBBLE
No way, dog! I’m gonna race Mario Capretti! My horoscope was right - today IS going to be a big ball of sunshine!
SKIP
Hey, I know you!
BOWDEN
Uh, Luigi, I think that coffee has you hallucinating.
SKIP
No, we both know him! He’s the parking garage attendant at our office!
BOWDEN
Great Scott, he is!
PEBBLE
Oh yeah! Mr. Sensible Sedan and Mr. Girlfriend Drives Him To Work! Man, you guys seriously upgraded your wheels!
BOWDEN
What on Earth are you doing here?
PEBBLE
I recently had a spiritual awakening and I realized that my true power comes not from parking cars but from stealing them! It was a very powerful truth to learn. I have a brochure here...
MARIO
Do we race like men or do we jibber jabber like children! I have the pink slip for this beautiful Corvette. In fact, you can even-a drive it in the race. If I lose, it’s yours. Plus, let’s say...a half a million dollars. Cash.
PEBBLE
And if I lose?
MARIO
I get to keep whatever car I race in.
PEBBLE (Laughing)
Absurd. Why would you risk so much for so little?
BOWDEN
The man was born to race. Now are you in or are you out?
PEBBLE
Oh I’m in. I can beat this pizza loving phony. He may be king of the race track, but I’m king of the streets.
MARIO
Deal?
PEBBLE
Deal. What you driving, homes? I got a BMW, I got a tricked out muscle car...
MARIO
I take-a the SAAB 9-3.
PEBBLE
Are you straight up tripping? Do you want to loose your money today?
BOWDEN
It’s the SAAB or nothing, junior.
SKIP
And you don’t want nothing. DO YOU?
BOWDEN
Dial it down, okay, Luigi?
PEBBLE
Let him drive whatever he wants. The keys are in the car.
MARIO
Malto benne.
PEBBLE
Whatever, fool.
SOUND: Mario, Bowden and Skip walk over to the SAAB and open the door.
MARIO
Oh no.
SKIP
What? What is it?
MARIO
Bowden, you did not a-tell me this car was an automatic.
BOWDEN
Well, of course it’s an automatic. The only Americans who drive stick shift are men having a mid-life crisis.
MARIO
No. It’ a no-good. The great Mario Capretti does not drive automatic. It is an INSULT.
BOWDEN
We’re racing for PINKS here, Mario, you don’t back out!
MARIO
No, No, no. This is a matter of pride.
SKIP
Bowden, get in the car! I’m driving!
MARIO
You think you can win-a the race?
SKIP
I got enough caffeine in me to win the Kentucky Derby.
MARIO
Well, let’s a-see, Mr. Skip Granger! It’s now a three way race! I drive this-a Ferrari. We’ll see who is the victor!
SKIP
Let me just fuel up.
SOUND: Skip takes a long skip of coffee.
BOWDEN
Where the hell did you get that coffee from?
SKIP
There was a pot brewing in the break area, I made a cup while they were negotiating the race. NOW GET IN THE CAR.
BOWDEN
Steve McQueen, give me strength.
SOUND: They get in the car, shut the doors and start the engine. The other cars pull along side.
BOWDEN
You realize we’re racing against a professional driver in a Ferrari and the king of the street racers in a Corvette, right?
SKIP
Right.
SOUND: Kristatos comes out of the office.
KRISTATOS
Pebble, what are you doing? I told you to start chopping these cars!
PEBBLE
Hey, Capretti, I hope you like losing half a million dollars.
KRISTATOS
Half a million dollars?
PEBBLE
I told you, old man, there’s money to be made in racing. You should have listened. This one’s all for me.
KRISTATOS
How dare you! You think you are so hot? I’ll show you who is king around here. I’ll race you in my Paddy Wagon if I have to!
PEBBLE
You are pathetic. No wonder your daughter stole all your money.
KRISTATOS
WHAT?
PEBBLE
Alright, gentlemen. The race is to the wharf. No rules. On your marks. Get set. Go!
SOUND: The cars peel out.
SKIP
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaa!
INT. ZELDA’S CAR
SOUND: The two cars peel out past the parked car
GLORIA
That’s my car! McGrath, follow them! Drive! Drive!
MACKENZIE
You got it, Gloria.
ZELDA
We have to stay on Kristatos!
GLORIA
I need my car!
SOUND: The Paddy Wagon roars out of the drive.
MACKENZIE
There he goes! Kristatos is chasing after the sports cars! Boss, we’ve got to pursue!
ZELDA
Fine.
GLORIA
Alright, thank you! McGrath - punch it. GIRL’S NIGHT!!!!!
SOUND: The car speeds away.
INT. SKIP’S CAR
SKIP
For a sensible car, this really has a kick! Woooooo hooooo!
BOWDEN
Good God, man! Keep your eyes on the road! Listen, Skip, I cannot stress to you how badly you need to win this. I don’t have half a million to lose.
SKIP
But your streaming residuals...
BOWDEN
I MADE IT UP! If I had that kind of money, why wouldn’t I just buy Gloria a new car? Or buy myself one? Now come on, we need to make it to the warf before two professional street racers!
SKIP
Alright, how do we do that?
BOWDEN
You drive the fastest!
SKIP
No, I mean, how do we get to the warf from here. I’ve never been in this neighborhood.
BOWDEN
I’d probably go south on Lincoln.
SKIP
Right. Right. Hey, Siri...how do I get to Lincoln?
SOUND: Siri beep
SIRI
Abraham Lincoln was the fourteenth president of the United States of America...
BOWDEN
Uggggh!
SOUND: Car speeds off (pan effect)
INT. MARIO’S CAR
MARIO
Mario Capretti drive an automatic! The nerve of some people!
SOUND: Mario’s phone rings. He answers.
MARIO
You’re a-go for Mario!
PEBBLE (On the phone)
I just wanted to say that despite me having to thrash you, it’s a real honor to race you.
MARIO
Oh, I know. The pleasure is all yours.
SOUND: Phone beeps.
PEBBLE (On the phone)
Hold on, I’m getting another call.
SOUND: Car speeds off (Pan effect)
INT. KRISTATOS’S CAR
PEBBLE (On the phone)
This is Pebble.
KRISTATOS
Listen to me, you minuscule brained baboon, you are still on my payroll. If you win this race, I still get a cut.
PEBBLE (On the phone)
Payroll? That’s a laugh. You’re broke, Kristatos. Washed up. And the Ocean Bureau is going to keep you that way.
KRISTATOS
You...you are one of THEM? Where is my daughter? What have you done with her?
PEBBLE (On the phone)
Become one with the ocean.
SOUND: Pebble hangs up.
KRISTATOS
I will win that money and destroy all of them!
SOUND: Kristatos makes a sudden turn.
JOHN DOWGIN (Shouting from his car)
Friggin’ Jersey drivers!
KRISTATOS
The shortest way to the warf is via Washington!
SOUND: Siri beep
SIRI
George Washington was the first president of the United States of America. Known for his wooden teeth...
SOUND: Car speeds off (pan effect)
INT. ZELDA'S CAR
SOUND: Honking, erratic driving.
ZELDA
Stay on Kristatos, McGrath. He’s gaining speed.
MACKENZIE
What kind of engine does that paddy wagon have?
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath, turn left!
ZELDA
No, stay on Kristatos!
GLORIA
But my car is going left!
MACKENZIE
I gotta pick a lane here, ladies...
ZELDA
Gloria, I’m sorry your car got stolen, but we are on a case.
MACKENZIE
Look, we’re clearly caught up in some sort of street race. They’ve got to be headed to the same place.
GLORIA
The wharf! That’s where the police chief told me they suspect the racing has been taken place.
MACKENZIE
Gloria, that’s the best thing you could have said.
SOUND: McGrath slams on the breaks and makes a u-turn.
ZELDA
McGrath, what are you doing? Why are you turning around? Kristatos is getting away.
MACKENZIE
If he is going to the warf, I’ve got a shortcut. The quickest way to the wharf is through the aqueducts.
SOUND: Siri beep.
SIRI
Aquaman is a comic book character featured in the DC Universe...
SOUND: The car speeds off. (pan effect)
INT. SKIP'S CAR
SKIP
I FEEL SO ALIVE! Bowden, when this mission is over, what do you say you and I go get a couple of real race cars...like an Acura!
BOWDEN
Hey, Speed Racer, why don’t we just try and live through the night, alright?
SKIP
Look, Bowden! Up ahead! The warf!
BOWDEN
Skip, you did it! We’re going to win!
SKIP
As soon as this light turns green.
SOUND: Skip hits the breaks.
BOWDEN
What are you doing?
SKIP
Safety first, my friend! The rules of the road apply to all of us.
BOWDEN
We’re in an illegal street race!
SKIP
All the more reason to apply some caution! Besides, I don’t see any of other racers and I still have half a latte left...
INT. KRISTATOS'S CAR
KRISTATOS
The Wharf! I’ve done it!
SFX: A car pulls along side him.
PEBBLE
You got some skills, old man, but you haven’t reached the finish line yet.
SOUND: Another car
MARIO
And neither have you! Let’s see who is the victor now!
SOUND: The cars speed off. (Pan effect)
INT. ZELDA'S CAR
GLORIA
We made it! And look, there’s my car at the stop light!
MACKENZIE
And here come the two sports cars!
ZELDA
And Kristatos! McGrath, you make some questionable choices, but I’m starting to trust them.
MACKENZIE
You know, from this angle, I’ve got all three of them lined up in a row. If we want to bag these car thieves...
GLORIA
Gun it, sister.
ZELDA
I no longer trust you!!
SOUND: Zelda screams. Mackenzie guns it. (Pan effect)
INT. KRISTATOS'S CAR
KRISTATOS
I’m going to win! It will be I, Kristatos O’Brien! King of Potatoes, King of Crime and now King of the Streets!
SOUND: A car slams into Kristatos and it dominos, hitting Mario and Pebbles. (Yelps of surprise and pain from each of them.)
INT. SKIP'S CAR
BOWDEN
What in God’s name was that crash?
SOUND: Skip slurping coffee.
SKIP
Sweet nectar of the gods.
BOWDEN
Skip, the light’s green! GO, MAN, GO!
SKIP
And...we...are...across the finish line!
BOWDEN
And everyone else is in that pile up!
SOUND: Skip and Bowden get out of the car and run up to the scene.
EXT. WHARF
SOUND: McGrath, Zelda and Gloria getting out of the car.
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath, that was amazing!
MACKENZIE
She’s gonna need a new front bumper, maybe a new axel, probably a complete detailing, but she’s gonna be okay.
ZELDA
We will discuss damaging an agency vehicle AND endangering my life after we take Kristatos and these goons into custody. Check and see if they need medical attention.
KRISTATOS
King of the road...king of crime...king of potatoes...potatoes...
MACKENZIE
I think we’ve got a mashed spud over here.
BOWDEN
Gloria!
GLORIA
Bo!
BOWDEN
I got your car back!
GLORIA
Daisy! But what’s this got to do with Kristatos O’Brien?
BOWDEN
What are you talking about?
SKIP
Sweet potato pancakes, it IS O’Brien! What’s he doing here?
ZELDA
I could ask the same of you, Agent Granger. And why are you sweating so much?
BOWDEN
He’s percolating.
MARIO
Oh, mama mia! My head.
ZELDA
Freeze! Don’t take one more step!
BOWDEN
Zelda, this is Mario Capretti. He’s on loan to us from the Italians.
MACKENZIE
Zelda. Mario. I sense a link.
ZELDA
Can it, Mackenzie. I’m sorry. McGrath.
MACKENZIE
No, it’s cool.
GLORIA
Girl’s night!
SOUND: Pebble’s car speeding off.
SKIP
M’am! M’am! Pebble is getting away. Do you want me to pursue? Could I take your car?
ZELDA
No, thank you. Agent Granger, why don’t you take a lie down and you and I will have a loooong talk tomorrow.
SKIP
Really, Chief Anders, I’m fine. I just had a liiiiitle too much coffee.
MACKENZIE
Three...
SKIP
I could debrief right now if you want.
MACKENZIE
Two...
SKIP
I’ll have my entire report written up in the hour.
MACKENZIE
One.
SKIP
I’ll...
SOUND: Skip crashes.
GLORIA
Agent Granger! Somebody call an ambulance.
MACKENZIE
He’ll be fine. The same thing happened when we binge watched all the Star Wars movies and he drank two liters of Pepsi.
ZELDA
Gloria, would you please take Agent Granger home in your car? And make sure he pays you back for gas in the morning.
GLORIA
Right, chief.
BOWDEN
Let me pick him up for you, Gloria.
GLORIA
I’ve got him, Bowden. You don’t have to do everything for me. You don’t have to do anything for me, in fact. But I’m so happy you got my car back. You are too sweet.
Why don’t we talk more over some sushi?
BOWDEN
Actually, could we do tacos or something? I hate to go all Jeremy Pivin, but at the rate we’ve been eating fish I’m afraid my blood is mostly mercury now.
SOUND: They walk off.
MACKENZIE
You know, Zelda, I think those two crazy kids might actually make it.
ZELDA
I think it’s back to Chief Anders for now, don’t you...McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Aye aye, Chief...Zelda.
ZELDA
Good enough.
KRISTATOS
Please, someone, get me away from these lunatics.
ZELDA
Mr. O’Brien. We have been looking for you for a long time. Section Chief Zelda Anders, Extraordinary Missions Force.
KRISTATOS
EMF! Where is Chet Phillips? I must speak with him.
ZELDA
Mr. O’Brien, for the first time, you and I are after the same thing. It seems Agent Phillips has fallen into the hands of the Oceanologists.
KRISTATOS
Did he find my daughter?
ZELDA
I’m sorry, he never even went to look for her. We don’t know where she is. But the information my agents took off of you about who the Oceanologists have been funding is extremely troubling. I need more information about these OB cruises.
KRISTATOS
What are you talking about? I don’t know anything about a cruise.
ZELDA
This picture was taken by one of our mission drones. We believe it’s the Ocean Bureau cruise ship that Chet Phillips has been on for the last several months.
KRISTATOS
But...but that is not an Oceanology ship! That’s my ship! O.B. O’Brien Cruisers!
MUSIC: END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.
Guest starring were Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, J. Michael DeAngelis as Mario Capretti, Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, Devin Plantamura as Pebble, Jill Ivey as Siri, Mylene Kerschner as the Angriest Woman and Bob Killion as The Admiral and Security Guy.
Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for bonus content, exclusive audio and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. STARBUCKS
SOUND: A door opens into the typical sounds of a coffee shop.
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
Triple moca cold brew for “Lil Stank.”
LIL STANK
That’s Lilith Frank!
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
Whatevs.
SKIP
Excuse me, I’m hoping you can help me. See, I was pretty hopped up on coffee the other night and I seem to have lost my wallet somewhere. Now, I THINK I was in here around 2:30...
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
OH NO, IT’S YOU!
SKIP
Pardon?
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
Hank, that guy from yesterday is back!
SECURITY GUY
Call the police.
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave or I WILL call the police.
SKIP
I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
What you did to our frother is unspeakable. Hank hasn’t been the same since.
SKIP
If you could just maybe check the lost and found...
SECURITY GUY
Do you know that I can’t move my left arm after it cramped adding so much whipped cream to your coffee! You think they’re gonna give me workers comp for that? In the last year I have worked for some of the most dangerous people in the world. Dictators, cattle barons, titans of business and pharmaceuticals. But you - you were the worst of them all. FIFTEEN PUMPS OF PUMPKIN SPICE? You monster.
SKIP
You know what, maybe I left it at the potato factory. I’ll just see myself out.
SECURITY GUY
I don’t ever want to see you in here again!
COFFEE SHOP GIRL
Why don’t you go take your smoke break, Hank? I got this. Venti Chai Frappe for “Gilgamesh?”
MUSIC: END STINGER
END OF EPISODE.