Season One, Episode Twelve: “THE QUOTIENT OF ALL FEARS”
Transcript
SFX: THE OCEAN. THE BOAT.
Chet breathes deeply of the sea air. He’s at peace. Footsteps behind him.
CHET
Hi Trixie.
OCEAN GIRL
Mind if I join you?
CHET
Sure, I was just meditating? Here, take my hand.
OCEAN GIRL
Sure thing, sugar sponge.
SFX: THEY BREATHE TOGETHER.
OCEAN GIRL
Become one with the ocean! Right?
CHET
I have never been happier.
OCEAN GIRL
Then why do I see a little-bitty teeny-weeny sad on your face?
CHET
Well. You see that drone out there?
OCEAN GIRL
Oh!
SFX: A DRONE FLOATS TOWARDS THEM.
OCEAN GIRL
I’m sorry, sweetie. The office again?
CHET
Yup.
OCEAN GIRL
They never leave you alone.
CHET
Well, they’re going to, from now on.
OCEAN GIRL
What do you mean?
CHET
I’ve been on vacation for a year, and I’m running out of time. They’ll expect me to come back very soon.
OCEAN GIRL
Oh -
CHET
I’m not going back.
OCEAN GIRL
Really?
CHET
I want to stay with you.
OCEAN GIRL
Chet!
CHET
Can we do that? Sail the ocean, explore the world, together? Is that what you want?
OCEAN GIRL
I don’t want anything else.
CHET
Then let me tell them no, one last time, and I’m all yours.
OCEAN GIRL
That’s...so perfect.
CHET
Mind if I have a moment alone with this thing?
OCEAN GIRL
Absolutely, sweetie.
SFX: THEY KISS. OCEAN GIRL WALKS AWAY.
CHET
OK, Mission Control. I can’t wait to hear your monotonous, droning voice for the last time ever.
SFX: CLICK.
KRISTATOS (ON TAPE)
Good evening, Agent Philips.
CHET (horrified)
What the hell?
KRISTATOS (ON TAPE)
Perhaps you were expecting an anonymous EMF voice to give you your marching orders. You probably did not expect to hear your old nemesis, Kristatos O’Brien.
CHET
You got that right.
KRISTATOS (ON TAPE)
I regret to say that I am currently in the hands of your EMF, and have resorted to extreme measures to hijack one of their drones. But what you may not realize is that you, my friend, are in a similar predicament to mine.
CHET
What the hell are you talking about, you old monster -
KRISTATOS (ON TAPE)
You are currently on board a ship helmed by a man named Hunter Ridley Randolph Fletcher, also known as The Admiral. He has held you captive on his boat without the slightest suspicion entering your enfeebled brain, and cut you off from the EMF. Unfortunately, he has also stolen everything from me. So I give you an opportunity to help the both of us. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is -
ADMIRAL
I’ll take that!
CHET
Hey!
SFX: THE ADMIRAL SNATCHES THE DRONE AWAY FROM CHET. CLICK!
CHET
Hello, Admiral.
ADMIRAL
I think we need to have a bit of a discussion, Mister Doe. Isn’t that right, Trixie?
OCEAN GIRL
Sorry, sweetie.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The adventures of the Extraordinary Mission Team’s most secret agents...the back-ups. Tonight’s episode: The Quotient of All Fears.
SFX: BRIEFING ROOM
SKIP
I have been an EMF Agent for five years - four behind a desk writing pass phrases, and one working with the finest crack team of specialists I could have ever hoped for.
GLORIA
Oh, thank you, Agent Granger!
BOWDEN
The honor is ours, Skip.
MACKENZIE
I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
SKIP
As Agents, we hold ourselves to certain higher ideals. We live by a code of ethics - part written, part unwritten, but inviolable. Now, the man I looked up to for most of my professional life - Chet Philips - I’m sorry to say that as of today he has broken that code.
MACKENZIE
What exactly did he do, Skip?
SKIP
He overused his vacation time.
MACKENZIE
Uh huh.
BOWDEN
I hear Ron Howard has people killed for lesser offenses. Anyone heard from Anson Williams lately?
GLORIA
Are you OK, Skip?
SKIP (emotional)
Yes, Gloria, I just...it’s hard, you know, when one of your idols fails you -
SFX: DOOR OPENS.
SKIP
Ah, Section Chief Anders. Thank you for coming, I understand you have further information about Chet Philips’ vacation.
ZELDA
Yes. Chet Philips has been sailing on the “OB Cruise Line” for nearly a year.
MACKENZIE
Hm. O-B.
GLORIA
Does that mean something to you, Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Nah, I just remembered I have to pick up a box of pads.
GLORIA
Oh.
ZELDA
Anyway. You’re going to find Chet Philips and bring him back -
MACKENZIE
Yeah, hey, Zelda?
ZELDA
...yes, Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Why?
ZELDA
Why?
SKIP
WHY?
MACKENZIE
Look, obviously this dude got a taste of the easy life and is literally sailing off into the sunset.
SKIP
Ugh, the image alone is causing my worldview to crumble -
MACKENZIE
Look, last night you got out your AK-47 or whatever and we were in a car chase with Public Enemy Number One and we caught him!
SKIP
What’s your point McGrath?
MACKENZIE
We got this!
ZELDA
“You got this”?
MACKENZIE
We don’t need Chet Philips anymore! We’re the team! Skip, you’re the leader, I’ll break you into any computer you name, Gloria’s kicking ass, Bowden’s so good he fooled us, what’s that super spy got that we don’t got?
ZELDA
He’s got himself kidnapped.
OTHERS
What?
SKIP
YES!
MACKENZIE
You think it’s good he got kidnapped?
SKIP
I knew Agent Philips would never be derelict in his duty!
MACKENZIE
Oh boy.
GLORIA
Chief, who would have the resources and the ability to capture and hold Chet Philips?
MACKENZIE
He’s one guy, how hard could it be?
BOWDEN
McGrath, I hate to say it, but I’ve worked with Philips, and you underestimate him.
MACKENZIE
Everything I hear about the guy makes him sound like a total douche.
BOWDEN
You’re impressed - rightfully so - with my mimicry abilities, but Chet Philips was doing that for years without your face printer.
MACKENZIE
How?
BOWDEN
Prosthetics. Ahhh, those were the days - practical FX!
MACKENZIE
All right, he does old-timey disguises. What else can he do?.
GLORIA
I hear he could kill a man seven ways with an Anjou pear.
SKIP
He is brilliant at strategy and counter strategy -
BOWDEN
He inspires patriotism in allies and dread in enemies to freedom -
GLORIA
He’s not bad looking either -
SKIP
He speaks fifty-three languages, is a certified master chef, he can pilot anything that rolls, flies, or floats, and has never failed to achieve a mission objective.
MACKENZIE
Well, at least you got my mad hacking skills, right?
ZELDA
We do. And do you know who coded that cyber-honeypot that the FBI used to bring you down, Ms. McGrath?
MACKENZIE
No, I never - no!
ZELDA
Chet Philips.
MACKENZIE
This Chet Philips is the guy who caught me? He’s the reason you guys get to hold prison over my head?
ZELDA
We’re willing to consider a full exoneration, Ms. McGrath, if you successfully bring Chet Phillips back to us.
MACKENZIE
I’ll get that in writing?
ZELDA
You will.
MACKENZIE
...OK, who kidnapped him?
ZELDA
Gloria, the slide projector, please.
GLORIA
Yes, Section Chief.
SFX: THE SLIDE PROJECTOR.
ZELDA
This man is H.R.R. Fletcher, also known as the Admiral.
BOWDEN
Oh god.
GLORIA
You know him, Bo? You look terrified.
BOWDEN
He’s the founder of the Oceanologists.
MACKENZIE
You mean the cult that owns half of Hollywood?
BOWDEN
Again, that’s the totally legitimate religious organization, and they own maybe twelve percent, tops.
ZELDA
He’s a true enigma, we have almost too much information on him.
GLORIA
What does that mean?
ZELDA
We have no official records, birth certificate, social security, driver’s license - but we do have various contradictory eyewitness records stating that he was a used car salesman, science fiction author, Boddhisatva, fish hatchery supervisor, and some hard-to dispute evidence that he bankrolled a prequel to Birth of a Nation back in 1923.
SKIP
That would make the Admiral over 100 years old!
GLORIA
That can’t be true - can it, Bo?
BOWDEN
I’m saying nothing until I see a body with a stake through its heart.
ZELDA
The one indisputable fact is that he founded the Oceanologists, and has become a hyper-charismatic guru who indoctrinated the weak-willed in his organization.
GLORIA
Wait - wasn’t this the cult that stole Kristatos O’Brien’s entire criminal fortune?
ZELDA
Indeed. The Admiral indoctrinated Kristatos’ daughter Athena in Crete two years ago, and the heiress gifted the Admiral her share of the O’Brien empire.
BOWDEN
And then they had our parking garage attendant steal the rest of his empire out from under his nose.
SKIP
It’s a tale as old as time.
GLORIA
But now we’ve got Kristatos in custody! Did we learn anything from him?
SKIP
Yes. Kristatos says that the Admiral has repurposed one of his potato shipping tankers as a pleasure cruise ship.
MACKENZIE
Where he lures rich people to indoctrinate them into his cult, right?
SKIP
It’s actually crazier than that, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
I’ll buckle up.
SKIP
Thanks to the Section Chief’s research, we now know that The Admiral is trying to create a military wing of the Oceanologists called the Ocean Bureau. Fletcher named himself Admiral Supreme Interworld Commander of the Ocean Bureau, and the OB Cruise Liner is its flagship.
BOWDEN
A religious navy? What are they fighting against?
SKIP
That’s unclear.
MACKENZIE
It sounds like a bunch of old people trying to play Battleship for realsies.
GLORIA
How did they get their hands on Chet?
ZELDA
After we discovered that our parking garage attendant was an embedded Oceanologist, we reviewed this parking garage footage of Chet Philips leaving the building for the last time, one year ago:
SFX: Zelda plays the tape:
PEBBLE (ON TAPE FROM EPISODE 1.1)
...the missus and I took one of them OB Cruises, weeks out at sea, really clears the mind. I got a brochure here.
CHET (ON TAPE FROM EPISODE 1.1)
Maybe a cruise is just what I need.
PEBBLE (ON TAPE FROM EPISODE 1.1)
Yeah, they got this cleanse you can do -
CHET (ON TAPE FROM EPISODE 1.1)
WOULD YOU JUST OPEN THE GATE?
SFX: Chet drives away
PEBBLE (ON TAPE FROM EPISODE 1.1)
What an asshole.
SFX: Click. The tape shuts off.
SKIP
So it seems our parking garage attendant Pebble sent Chet right into the Admiral’s clutches. Therefore, the first part of my plan is to confront Pebble at his apartment, lean hard on him, and gain any information we can about the Admiral’s plans.
ZELDA
Pebble fled the country last night.
SKIP
DAMMIT.
ZELDA
Forget the parking attendant, Skip.
SKIP
Forget him? He was the one lead we had to figure out who and what is on that boat!
ZELDA
We recovered a partial passenger manifest from Pebble’s apartment, and we have the ship’s schematics from Kristatos. We’ll just have to improvise a little.
SKIP
Right.
ZELDA
You have to try to keep a cooler head, Agent Granger.
SKIP
I know Chief I...I’m trying.
GLORIA
So, Agent Granger - what does the Admiral want with Chet?
SKIP
We believe he doesn’t want Chet. He wants his mission tapes.
MACKENZIE
Oh my god, you’re kidding me! THOSE are the guys who were stealing your information? And you thought it was me?
ZELDA (emotionless)
The EMF heartily apologizes.
MACKENZIE
Will I get that in writing?
ZELDA
We don’t exist, so, no.
SKIP
The Admiral may have kept up pretenses with Agent Philips for as long as he could -
BOWDEN
But Chet Phillips is one smart cookie. He’s undoubtedly figured it out by now.
GLORIA
And if he figured it out, the Admiral would lock him up - or worse!
SKIP
Exactly, Gloria. So there’s no time to lose.
MACKENZIE
Wait - are we gonna do, like, a pirate raid on this cruise ship?
SKIP
Uhhhh essentially that’s right, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Oh, I’m LOVING this one.
SKIP
Bowden, we’re going to need the performance of a lifetime out of you. You’re going to have to duplicate The Admiral.
BOWDEN
I know this is probably going to end my chances of ever starring in a blockbuster studio picture, but...OK. I’m in.
MACKENZIE
I’ll print your mask, Bowden, and you get working on the Admiral’s voice.
SFX: SNAP FACE PRINTER.
BOWDEN
No need. Fletcher’s released seven thousand hours of self-help audiobooks and every single screen actor has heard them.
SKIP
Gloria, you and I will be disguised as well.
MACKENZIE
Skip, we know what happened the last time you tried to act!
GLORIA
Oh, I don’t know, Agent Granger’s learned to pose as an EMT, an auditor, a safe inspector -
MACKENZIE
Yeah, as himself. The one time he had to put on a mask and actually duplicate a person he sounded like Sam Eagle on Quaaludes.
SKIP
There’ll be no talking this time. We’ll restrain Jim and Helen Blotzmann, a couple staying in suite 309. Then we’ll walk through the ship with SnapFace masks, disguised as the Blotzmanns - and we won’t talk to anyone.
MACKENZIE
Ugh, I don’t have to pretend to be one of these one percenters, do I?
SKIP
No, McGrath, you’ll go disguised as a deckhand, no mask required. We’ll need you when we commandeer the helm computer.
MACKENZIE
Deckhand I can do. Arrr, matey.
SKIP
Here’s your outfit, it’s standard OB issue -
MACKENZIE
THIS IS A SAILOR SUIT!
SKIP
Yes. For sailors.
MACKENZIE
I mean, this is full-on Popeye!
BOWDEN
Be glad it wasn’t Donald Duck.
MACKENZIE
The Ocean Bureau wears this stuff?
GLORIA
Once we’re on the ship, what’s the plan?
SKIP
Get McGrath to the helm computer and find out where they’re keeping Agent Phillips, break him out, and run.
GLORIA
While avoiding the Admiral and his crew.
MACKENZIE
And brainwashed old people.
BOWDEN
You make it sound like we’re hiding from Alex Jones.
SKIP
Unfortunately, we’re short one skill set. We need a pilot to silently dock the stealth speedboat to the cruise ship so we can board.
ZELDA
You’ve got one. Me.
BOWDEN
Chief?
ZELDA
As you said, you need a speedboat pilot, McGrath has convinced me to get back into the field...and frankly, I’m still not 100 percent sure you’re not going to find a way to screw this up.
MACKENZIE
That’s the ringingest endorsement we’re gonna get, fellas.
GLORIA
All right. Let’s do this!
BOWDEN (as The Admiral)
Let’s do this!
GLORIA
Oh!
BOWDEN
Sorry! Just practicing. Let’s do this!
SKIP
Ladies and gentleman, let’s bring Chet Philips back from vacation.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: THE OCEAN. A SOFT PURRING OF A MOTORBOAT.
SKIP (quiet)
Easy, Chief!
ZELDA
Keep calm, Agent Granger. You really need to learn how to relax.
MACKENZIE
I admit I’ve never seen cruise ships up close like this.
BOWDEN
You mean, bearing down on you like a floating skyscraper?
MACKENZIE
Pretty much, yeah.
SKIP
Gloria! The towline!
GLORIA
I’m on it, Agent!
SFX: GLORIA FIRES THE TOWLINE.
ZELDA
All right, people. Masks on.
SFX: They put on their masks
ZELDA
Get in, get Phillips, get out.
MACKENZIE
Keep the motor running Zelda.
SKIP
See you soon, Chief.
SFX: CLICK, AND HISSSS! AS THEY FLY UP TOWARDS THE SHIP ON THE RETRACTABLE LINES, MOST OF THEM VOCALIZING THEIR DISCOMFORT: OW! OOH! HEY!
ZELDA
God help us.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: OB CRUISE STATE ROOM. SKIP SLIPS THROUGH THE PORTHOLE.
SKIP
Ruup! Rrrgh! Uh. Mm.
MACKENZIE (BEHIND HIM)
Are you stuck, Skip?
SKIP
No.
MACKENZIE
Are you lying, Skip?
SKIP
Maybe.
MACKENZIE
Are You kidding me, Skip?
SFX: KNOCK KNOCK.
SKIP
Uh. Who’s there?
VALERIAN (OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
Room service.
SKIP
Uhhh just a minute! Whoa!
SFX: SKIP FALLS INTO THE ROOM.
MACKENZIE
Lose some weight, man.
VALERIAN (OUT)
Everything all right, Mister Blotzmann?
SKIP AND MACKENZIE
We’re great!
VALERIAN
Coming in!
SKIP
Wait!
SFX: THE DOOR OPENS.
SKIP (Adopts his terrible undercover voice)
Uhhh, hello, sir! I am Mister Blotzmann and this is my...sailor!
MACKENZIE
Right! His wife doesn’t know! Keep it quiet! Arrrrgh!
SKIP
This is an outrage, you barging in like this!
MACKENZIE
You were trying to bring a man into our bedroom, weren’t you, Blotzmann? Admit it!
SFX: MCGRATH STARTS SLAPPING SKIP.
SKIP
Ow! Quit it, uh, mistress!
VALERIAN
All right, you know what, as amusing as this is, I’m gonna stop you right there.
SFX: A GUN.
SKIP
Well I never! A firearm!
MACKENZIE
Listen, man, I’m part of the crew. I’m taking this up with management -
SKIP
Wait, you look familiar. Do I know you -
VALERIAN
You’re not Blotzmann.
SKIP
Of course I am! Look at my face!
VALERIAN
I saw you climbing up the outside of the ship.
MACKENZIE
Yes! I was...giving him the VIP tour!
VALERIAN
Now I don’t want to shoot you.
SKIP
That’s very kind of you!
VALERIAN
See, the Admiral has some important guests. And if they hear a gunshot, they’ll get skittish. And that’s no good.
SKIP
Sailor, do you recognize this man from...the office?
MACKENZIE
Oh yeah, now that you mention it -
VALERIAN
The Admiral is a very busy man. So if you don’t scream, I’ll make this painless.
MACKENZIE
Wait wait hold on -
SFX: THE PORTHOLE POPS OPEN AGAIN, AND SOMEONE SQUEEZES INTO THE ROOM.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Ahoy there!
VALERIAN
Admiral!
MACKENZIE (under her breath)
Thank God, Bowden.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Are you bothering my friends the Blotzmanns, thou sack?
VALERIAN
Are you...feeling OK, Admiral?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
I am full of bees tonight, thank you!
VALERIAN
Why are you...hanging out the window?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Excellent interrogatory, friend! Help me in, would you, Mr. Blotzmann?
SKIP
Yes sir, Admiral!
MACKENZIE
The Admiral just wanted to show Mr. Blotzmann this great view of the ocean!
VALERIAN
By climbing out the portglass.
MACKENZIE
Yupper!
VALERIAN
Admiral, is this a situation that you need taken care of?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
What I need, friend, is for you to quietly escort my friends and I to the helm.
VALERIAN (suspicious)
Uh huh. Why don’t you ask me nicely, Admiral?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
...please?
VALERIAN
I mean, use my name.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Your name.
VALERIAN
Yeah. What’s my name?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
You know, I was meaning to talk to you about that. I think we should christen you with a new name and title that befits you like: Lord High Killmonger of Thebes! What do you think?
VALERIAN
I think I want you to prove that you know who I am, Admiral.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Well, uh, you, are -
GLORIA (poking her head in)
Oh my god it’s Lieutenant Valerian!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Lieutenant Valerian! (surprised into losing the voice) Lieutenant Valerian?
SKIP (also losing the voice)
Yes! I mean - (doing the voice) Yes! Good old Lieutenant Valerian!
MACKENZIE
Wait, the insane ex-SEAL?
GLORIA (adopting an old lady voice)
Uh...darling, what are you doing here with this sailor?
SKIP
Nothing, dear! No hanky-panky!
VALERIAN
Who are you people really?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
For shame, Valerian! I am H.R.R. Fletcher, the Admiral! Know you me not by my mighty voice?
ADMIRAL (OVER THE PA)
Good evening comrades! Come to the party on the poop deck for cocktails!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uhhhh that is a recording!
ADMIRAL (OVER THE PA)
Unfortunately I am right this minute below decks, blessing the navigation machinery, but I’ll see you all for midnight indoor lawn bowling!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
There is a logical explanation - (Bowden’s voice) Ah, screw it.
VALERIAN
Time to die, phonies.
GLORIA
Not so fast! HIIIYA!
SFX: A WILD FIGHT BETWEEN THE FOUR AGENTS AND VALERIAN!
MACKENZIE
I got his gun!
GLORIA
Throw it out the window!
SFX: She does. Valerian punches Gloria in the gut.
BOWDEN
I’ll kill you for that!
SFX: Valerian knocks the wind out of Bowden. The other three jump him, but he sends them all sprawling.
SKIP
We can’t fight him he’s too good!
VALERIAN
You’re all dead!
MACKENZIE
Into the hallway!
VALERIAN
AAAARRRRRH!
SFX: They run, and slam the door shut.
SKIP
We can’t keep this shut forever!
MACKENZIE
Just gimme a few seconds!
SFX: MACKENZIE REPROGRAMS THE LOCK.
MACKENZIE
There! Let go.
SFX: MUFFLED THUDS AND YELLS BEHIND THE DOOR.
BOWDEN
What did you do?
MACKENZIE
I hacked the electronic lock so it would never open again.
GLORIA
Nice work, Mackenzie!
BOWDEN
It’s a good thing the rooms are soundproofed. They must expect a lot of ... activity in there.
SKIP
What the hell is Valerian doing here?
BOWDEN
I thought Philips reported him dead!
MACKENZIE
Obviously, nothing Philips has reported over the last year can be trusted! The Admiral’s had him this whole time!
GLORIA
How long will this door hold him?
MACKENZIE
For a while, but we’ve got to hurry!
SKIP
To the helm!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: Footsteps in the carpeted hall.
SKIP
OK, everyone ready?
EVERYONE ELSE
Ready. / Ready Skip. / We’re good.
BOWDEN
I hope the Admiral really is praying over the sextant or whatever he said. I can’t chance running into him.
SKIP
OK, Gloria, you’re with me, we’re the Blotzmanns. McGrath, stick with Bowden, he’s your boss. Two pairs, opposite sides of the deck. Don’t talk to anyone.
EVERYONE ELSE
Got it.
SKIP
Go.
SFX: THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND STROLL OUT ONTO THE DECK. THE SOUND OF STEEL DRUMS, COCKTAILS AND MOONLIT NIGHTS. CHATTER EVERYWHERE.
SKIP
Eyes straight ahead.
GLORIA
Um...boss? Everyone seems dressed more business than casual.
SKIP
You’re right. Maybe it’s a formal evening -
GLORIA
We may be out of place in our Hawaiian shirts.
SKIP
Just avoid eye contact and hope no one wants to make conversation -
PEBBLE
Jim! Helen! What are you doing here?
SKIP AND GLORIA
Uhhhhh
SKIP (doing the voice)
Hello, Pebble the Parking Garage Attendant!
PEBBLE
I thought you guys disembarked three months ago! You know a lot of these characters are pretty shady.
SKIP
We’re, uh, pretty shady ourselves!
PEBBLE
What?
GLORIA
We’re into Bitcoins!
PEBBLE
Really? Oh, you gotta meet this guy I was talking to, he’s wild.
SKIP AND GLORIA
Uhhhh...
SFX: We’re whirled through the cocktail party, to...
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Evening! Good to see ya!
MACKENZIE
Bowden, knock it off!
BOWDEN
I have to keep up appearances, McGrath! Everyone wants to see the Admiral.
MACKENZIE
Let’s just get where we’re going without making a scene -
SFX: SOMEONE SPLASHES A DRINK IN MACKENZIE’S FACE.
ELLSBURY
Oh, I’m teeeerrribly sorry!
DAMROW
Oh, Marcus, your drink landed square in that sailor’s ugly mug!
MACKENZIE (under her breath)
Urge to kill...rising...
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uh...ha ha ha! Good show, you! Take that, employee!
ELLSBURY
Try it, Admiral! Throw Sherman’s drink in the sailor’s face!
SHERMAN
Marcus, you are a card!
BOWDEN/ADMIRAL
Yes, Marcus, you’re...Marcus Ellsbury?
SHERMAN
She looks like a sopping wet Popeye!
DAMROW
Did you ever draw Popeye in your comic books, Marcus?
MACKENZIE
Wait a second aren’t you two -
ELLSBURY
Admiral! I should immortalize you in my next comic! Your adventures would be astounding! You’re such an absolutely fantastic character!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
I sure am! Gotta go now -
DAMROW
Admiral, have you met Mister Blacksteer?
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Can’t say I WHAT?
SHERMAN
We were just discussing fungible commodities in the food packing industry...oh there he is!
ELLSBURY
Curly! Come meet the Admiral and his dripping wet sailor!
CATTLE BARON
Good to ssssee ya out and about, Admiral.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
It certainly is, it certainly is!
MACKENZIE
Gotta go, Admiral.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Excuse me! I have to go mop up my sailor she seems to be soaked!
DAMROW
Toodleoo!
ELLSBURY
Cheers, Admiral!
CATTLE BARON
Yeah, adiosss Admiral!
SFX: MACKENZIE AND BOWDEN HUSTLE AWAY.
MACKENZIE
Oh my god that was Sherman Sherman Sherman Damrow and Sherman.
BOWDEN
I don’t know who you’re talking about but that was Curly “Two-Gun” Blacksteer!
MACKENZIE
What the hell kind of name is Curly “Two-Gun” Blacksteer?
BOWDEN
He was the cattle baron who fired me when I went undercover for two months at CBAC!
MACKENZIE
Well, we tried to stop Damrow and Sherman from tanking the global economy with that paranoid mathematician, Cassandra Helsinki, before she vanished!
BOWDEN
And what’s that crook Marcus Ellsbury doing onboard? I thought this ship was supposed to be full of old retirees and washed-up movie stars!
MACKENZIE
You’re a washed-up movie star, do you count?
BOWDEN
This is no time for jokes this is serious McGrath! We’re surrounded by dangerous criminals!
MACKENZIE
Just keep moving.
BOWDEN
Right. (As The Admiral) Evening, ladies! Nice, uh, crossbow?
SFX: We’re again whisked across the deck.
PEBBLE
Here he is, you gotta meet him!
SKIP
I don’t think that’s necessary -
GLORIA
We have a Bingo game in a few minutes -
PEBBLE
Blaze! These two are in Bitcoins!
BLAZE
Really? Your shirt looks like the Crayola Factory exploded.
GLORIA
My God.
SKIP
You’re, uh, Blaze Taggart!
BLAZE
Yeah yeah yeah, try not to drool on the Guccis. Listen, man, how’d you like to get on the ground floor of solving global warming?
GLORIA
That sounds good. Aren’t you supposed to be under house arrest?
BLAZE
Yeah I paid a stunt double to hang around my place. I’ll saw his legs off if he touches my sourdough starter.
OLGA
Blaze, sweetheart?
TATIANA
Who are you conning now?
GLORIA
Olga and Tatiana!
OLGA
Do we know you?
SKIP
Uh, your, reputations as enforcers for the Des Moines Parking Authority proceeds you!
TATIANA
Who is this person? He sounds like a man knows too much for his own good.
BLAZE
Blotzmann Something, I don’t remember names, sweetcheeks. Fuggetaboutit. Anyway, listen: we start by drowning all the cows in the Atlantic Ocean...
SFX: We’re whisked to the other side of the deck.
ELLIE MAE
...just wanted to give you this parking pass, Admiral, and any time you’re in Des Moines -
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Yes yes yes yes yes, thank you my dear -
BLACKHATS
This bird’s flipping crazy, innit she, Admiral? / Driving on the wrong side of the road.
MACKENZIE
Come on, Admiral.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Coming! (Normal voice) What is going on? Every single criminal we’ve encountered is on this cruise ship!
MACKENZIE
The Admiral obviously got their information from Chet Phillip’s mission tapes! Who knows why he invited them all onboard together, but let’s get moving before someone really crazy sees us -
EL PATO
Admiral! Buenos noches! So wonderful to see you again.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
It...sure is, General. My God, you’re still short.
EL PATO
What you have done here, my friend, bringing all these different people together, once bitter enemies, now allies? This will go down in history.
DAMROW
Cheers, Admiral!
ELLIE MAE
Hear hear!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Sailor, I’m afraid our friends aren’t going to let us go.
MACKENZIE
I’ll call the Blotzmanns.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Make it so! So, Jose...General to Admiral, how is San Otra Parte these days?
EL PATO
Es muy hermosa, Fletcher! You must visit sometime!
MACKENZIE (low)
Come in, Blotzmann. Please.
SFX: Again we weave through the crowd...
BLAZE
...and then our army of super-intelligent squids eats Al Gore, and badaBOOM! Planet saved.
TATIANA
What a zhopa.
GLORIA
It...could work -
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
Yo Blotzmann, you there?
PEBBLE
Is that your Bluetooth, Blotzmann?
SKIP
Oh, yes, this is...an important call -
GLORIA
It’s a sailor my husband’s having an affair with!
BLAZE
Well! I guess that means you’re available!
OLGA
Put your tongue back in your mouth, Blaze.
BLAZE
That’s not my tongue, and it’s my pants.
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
Blotzmann everyone wants to talk to us! You’re gonna have to make out without me!
TATIANA
It is sad when a tryst falls through.
BLAZE
I still called dibs on your wife, man.
PEBBLE
Wait, your sailor friend’s with the Admiral? Hey, there he is!
OLGA
Tatiana! We must go bask in the Admiral’s presence!
TATIANA
Da!
SKIP
Yes, yes! We’ll catch up with you after midnight indoor lawn bowling!
PEBBLE
Catch you later, Blotzmann!
BLAZE
So look, Pebble, I was telling you a foolproof way to make a cool million: first, you enter the International Space Station in the Kentucky Derby...
SFX: Skip and Gloria finally manage to get away from the crowd.
SKIP
God, everyone wants to talk to the Admiral!
GLORIA
Who knew the deadliest obstacle was cocktail party small-talk?
OCEAN GIRL (ON THE PA)
Attention everyone! The Admiral would like to invite you all to the conference room for an important presentation! Cheers. Above it all:
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uhhh...yes! That is exactly my intention at this moment in time!
MACKENZIE
Uh...guess we’re going in here, Admiral!
SKIP
They’re taking Bowden and McGrath below deck!
GLORIA
Oh, Bo! Be careful!
SKIP
C’mon, Gloria! Bowden can handle himself! We have to find Agent Phillips, then we can all get off this floating deathtrap! They run off, and the crowd departs.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: THE CHURNING OF THE SHIP’S ENGINE, AND WAVES. SOMETHING DROPS ONTO THE SPEEDBOAT.
ZELDA
Who’s that? (silence) I’ve got a harpoon gun on a hair trigger and I can put it through a man’s eye before he can blink. Show yourself.
VALERIAN
Zelda Anders!
ZELDA
Hello, Lieutenant Valerian. Welcome back to the land of the living.
VALERIAN
It’s been a while.
ZELDA
Yup. I’m afraid I have to shoot you through the eye now.
VALERIAN
Well. Good luck with that.
SFX: ZELDA FIRES! VALERIAN DODGES! THEY FIGHT! THE MOTOR STARTS!
ZELDA
Dammit Valerian! You kick started the motor, you’re gonna snap the line connecting us to the ship!
SFX: SNAP! THE TETHER TO THE BOAT GOES.
ZELDA
Rrrrrr!
VALERIAN
Let see how your face looks when I put it through that motor!
ZELDA
You know what, Brad? My file says you’re dead, and I’d hate to have to amend it!
SFX: ZELDA TOSSES VALERIAN OVERBOARD, AND THE MOTOR CHUNKCHUNKS! VALERIAN’S SCREAMS ARE CUT SHORT.
ZELDA
Dammit, Valerian! First you cut me loose from the ship, then you gum up my motor. I’m dead in the water. You’re on your own, Agent Granger.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: Gloria and Skip break into the helm.
SKIP
Thank God, there’s no one here.
GLORIA
Here’s the helm computer! I’ll do my best to find the schematics - it’s going to be really hard without Mackenzie’s help.
SKIP
This ship is crawling with wanted criminals! He must have recruited them after getting their information from Chet’s mission tapes!
GLORIA
Why?
SKIP
I don’t know! Maybe he’s trying to get them in his cult? He could have used his powers of persuasion to get them all onboard! But what’s his endgame?
GLORIA
OK, look here. There’s a huge power drain on this room on deck five. The security monitoring of that area is intense!
SKIP
What do the monitors show?
GLORIA
I’m sorry, Agent Granger, they’re password-locked. You’d need Ms. McGrath for that.
SKIP
If Chet’s being held prisoner, that room’s our best bet. What kind of room is it?
GLORIA
It’s...the spa?
SKIP
Really?
GLORIA
That’s probably just a front. It’s the most monitored room onboard -
SFX: A DOOR OPENS NEARBY.
SKIP
Shh! Someone’s coming!
GLORIA
Hide!
ADMIRAL (OFF)
...be vanquished, dust! Away from that user manual!
SKIP
There’s nowhere to hide!
GLORIA
Quick, get behind the door when he opens it!
SKIP
Wait, where will you hide -
GLORIA
Shh!
SFX: THE DOOR OPENS.
ADMIRAL
I AM THE EXORCIST OF MALFUNCTIONS EVERYWHERE AND oh why hello Mrs. Blotzmann! What a pleasant surprise!
GLORIA
Hello, Admiral.
ADMIRAL
What...are you doing at the helm?
GLORIA
Oh, nothing, just -
ADMIRAL
Didn’t we drop you off in Bayonne, New Jersey?
GLORIA
Yees...
ADMIRAL
You’re supposed to be spreading the good word of the Oceanologists to the little people on the mainland. Telling them about Zeerox.
GLORIA
Ohh...is there a Cassandra Helsinki onboard? She used to talk about -
ADMIRAL
Why are you here, Mrs. Blotzmann?
GLORIA
Oh! Because we heard rumors of an attempt on your life, Admiral!
ADMIRAL (truly taken)
What? Who would dare take up arms against such a mighty bear as I?
SFX: SKIP IS MAKING TINY “WHAT DO I DO?” NOISES BEHIND THE ADMIRAL
GLORIA
Yes Jim really wanted to be here but he HAD TO GO.
ADMIRAL
Go?
GLORIA
You know, away! TO FIND THAT SECRET AGENT who was after you!
SFX: SKIP SLIPS OUT THE DOOR DURING THIS EXCHANGE. IT SLAMS
BEHIND HIM.
ADMIRAL
PREPARE FOR DEATH INTRUDER!
GLORIA
I think that was just the wind, Admiral!
ADMIRAL
Sorry, Helen. I’m a little jumpy tonight.
GLORIA
I understand.
ADMIRAL
You seem nervous.
GLORIA
Do I?
ADMIRAL
Yes. What did I teach you about nervousness?
GLORIA
I...remind me?
ADMIRAL
You must become one with the ocean.
GLORIA
One with the ocean?
ADMIRAL
Yes.
SFX: Gloria squeaks in fear as the Admiral grabs her wrists.
GLORIA
Let me go!
ADMIRAL
Become one with the ocean.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: The crowd fills into a large conference room.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL (mumbles, clears throat)
Uh, yes! Right this way, everyone! Shorter folks in front so we can see the monitors, that’s right! (As Bowden) What do we do, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I say we wait until this presentation starts, then we slip out.
BOWDEN
Right.
SFX: A monitor turns on and Ocean Girl appears.
OCEAN GIRL
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! We at OB Cruises hope that you’re
enjoying your time onboard with us!
BLAZE
Enough with the nicey-nice, chickypie! Let’s hear from the Admiral!
OCEAN GIRL
Admiral! You came after all! How wonderful!
MACKENZIE
Say something, Bowden...
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uhhh, yes! But I think my lovely assistant knows all of the details of why we’ve brought you here!
OCEAN GIRL
I do!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Thank God!
OCEAN GIRL
I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you in person, I’m at the resort on the Admiral’s private island!
EL PATO
Wait - that is my island! San Otra Parte uses it as a secret military base!
OCEAN GIRL
And it’s beautiful, thank you for contributing it to the Ocean Bureau, General!
EL PATO
Que es este?
SFX: THE CRIMINALS START TO GRIPE.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uhhh...easy does it, folks, give her a minute to explain!
MACKENZIE
Bowden! The doors are locked!
BOWDEN
What?
MACKENZIE
They’re magnetically sealed! We locked in with these murderers!
BOWDEN
And they don’t look happy.
ELLSBURY
This is outrageous! You have appropriated the General’s island!
CATTLE BARON
Listen up, sssweetheart, I don’t know what your angle is here -
OCEAN GIRL
There is no angle! We appreciate everything that all of you have donated. Just look -
SFX: BEEP, BEEP. THE SCREENS CHANGE, THE VILLAINS GASP.
OCEAN GIRL
On the screen, you’ll see an complete inventory of all of your assets.
BLACKHATS
Blimey! / How’d you come by that now? / This is bollocks!
OCEAN GIRL
As you can see, since you gave us access to your assets in order to come to this gathering, we were able to use backdoor channels to seize everything you own.
OLGA
What!
DAMROW
My money!
CATTLE BARON
My cows!
BLAZE
My sourdough starter!
EL PATO
My God! Bastardes! This is a trick! You’ve brought us here only to steal our pooled resources!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Uhhh, now -
OCEAN GIRL
You got it, sugar plum! Now all of your combined criminal enterprises...
(suddenly her voice takes on a more sinister tone) ...belong to me.
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Wait...to YOU?
MACKENZIE
What’s she talking about?
BLAZE (laughing)
What? None of it belongs to you, you stupid piece of ass! It belongs to your boss, the Admiral!
OCEAN GIRL
No, Blaze. The Admiral was a useful frontman, but I...
SFX: AGAIN THE VILLAINS GASP AS OCEAN GIRL PEELS OFF HER FACE!
OCEAN GIRL
...I’m the rightful heir to the throne.
ELLIE MAE
My God! You...you’re...
BOWDEN
ATHENA O’BRIEN?
MACKENZIE
My...God...you were right Bowden, those old-school prosthetics are awesome!
OCEAN GIRL (NOW ATHENA)
That’s right, toots. And lemme tell you, playing poor, idiot “Trixie” for two years was hilarious, but it was nothing compared to the looks on your faces right now.
MACKENZIE
Bowden, do something!
BOWDEN/ADMIRAL
But, uh...what about Oceanology, Athena? Don’t you love, uh, water?
OCEAN GIRL
Yeah, sorry Admiral, all that pseudo-spiritual battle-for-the-Universe talk...I guess I never really was an organized religion kind of person. But, hey! It worked for these rubes! They came running with their pocketbooks open! So thanks for that!
EL PATO
You’ll never get away with this!
CATTLE BARON
We’ll ssstring you up, cowgirl!
OLEG SOKOLOV
We'll cut your ears off and send them to your mother!
ATHENA
Yeah, well, I can see why you’d feel that way. So it’s too bad for you that you’re all on that boat, and I’m a hundred miles away.
BLAZE
Wait...you mean -
ATHENA
That’s right, Blaze. I’m going remotely ramp the ship’s engine to overload. In ten minutes it’ll blow a hole in the ship, and you can all...become one with the ocean.
SFX: ALL THE VILLAINS LEAP UP AND TRY TO RUN!
BLACKHATS
The ruddy door’s locked!
ELLSBURY
Let us out!
BLAZE
Athena! Please!
ATHENA
No use trying to call for help, people, your signals will be blocked.
MACKENZIE
Bowden! We gotta do something!
BOWDEN / ADMIRAL
Athena! What about me, your old friend the Admiral?
ATHENA
Sorry, Admiral. It’s been a lot of laughs. Kiss Chetty g’bye for me.
SFX: STATIC. THE ENGINES CAN BE HEARD RAMPING UP!
BOWDEN
McGrath, what do we do?
MACKENZIE
Shut up, Bowden, I’m working on it!
DAMROW
Hey, it’s the Admiral!
SHERMAN
Get him!
BOWDEN
Uh, listen everyone, you got the wrong guy!
ELLIE MAE
That fake voice won’t fool us!
BOWDEN
McGrath!
MACKENZIE
They’re all around us!
PEBBLE
BACK OFF!
SFX: The villains cry out in rage as Pebble punches someone in the
face.
BOWDEN
Pebble?
PEBBLE
The Admiral showed me the true nature of the universe, and I’ll go down fighting for him!
MACKENZIE
Quick Bowden, behind the podium!
PEBBLE
Run, Admiral!
SFX: EVERYONE PILES ON PEBBLE, WHILE MACKENZIE AND BOWDEN SCAMPER BEHIND A PODIUM.
BOWDEN
Pebble’s a goner against that mob! He won’t hold them off for long!
MACKENZIE
Athena said “no signals” but she broadcast herself in, so...here! This panel’s the conduit point!
BOWDEN
What good is that?
MACKENZIE
Cut these wires, apply a little electrostatic charge, and...
SFX: BANG! THE PANEL BLOWS OFF.
MACKENZIE
Get down there!
BOWDEN
Where does it go?
MACKENZIE
WHO CARES.
BOWDEN
Well I don’t want to FAAALLLLL!
SFX: BOWDEN FALLS DOWN THE PIPE.
MACKENZIE
Hope you all enjoyed the CRUUUISE!
SFX: MCGRATH JUMPS AFTER HIM.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: Skip hustles below deck.
SKIP
OK. OK. Let’s see what this “spa” really is.
SFX: A DOOR OPENS
SKIP
It’s a spa. Well, that’s definitely a torture device. No, it’s an elliptical machine. What’s going on? Why would they have this much security on an actual spa?
SFX: HE BYPASSES ANOTHER DOOR.
SKIP
I hope your keycards all work, McGrath. So far, so good. What’s this? “Deep
relaxation.” That sounds ominous, I’d better try it.
SFX: ANOTHER DOOR OPENS.
SKIP
Oh my God. (to the communicator) McGrath? McGrath can you hear me? Gloria? Bowden? I’m in the spa, I’ve found Agent Phillips. They got him encased in some kind of pod. He has electrodes attached to his temples, blood pressure monitors - it’s some kind of torture device. I’ve got to get him out of there. Can anyone hear me? McGrath! It’s wired into the ship’s security system, how do I shut this down?
McGrath I need you, please! (Silence.) Dammit. OK. Here goes nothing. Pull
the plug, and hope for the best.
SFX: SKIP PULLS THE PLUG. THE DEVICE POWERS DOWN.
CHET
Who...Jim Blotzmann?
SKIP
Oh, right, the mask!
SFX: SKIP PULLS OFF HIS MASK.
CHET
Agent Granger?
SKIP
Oh thank God. Agent Phillips! Are you all right? What were they doing
to you?
CHET
I...wow! You look great!
SKIP
I do?
CHET
Yeah! When I met you, you were a roly-poly little pencil pusher - did you infiltrate this ship?
SKIP
I did, sir!
CHET
Holy cow, man, that’s impressive! I’m proud of you.
SKIP
I...sir I’m trying to maintain my sense of urgency but I have to admit that I’ve been waiting five years, and possibly my entire life, to hear that kind of validation.
CHET
Agent. You don’t have to wait for anybody else to validate you. You should be proud of yourself.
SKIP
OK.
CHET
Say it.
SKIP
What?
CHET
“I’m proud of myself.”
SKIP
I’m proud of myself.
CHET
“I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.”
SKIP
I’m...I am. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.
CHET
You deserve it, champ.
SKIP
Sir...why did they put you into this device? Were they torturing you? Extracting information?
CHET
Oh this? Nobody put me in there, Agent, I was just relaxing.
SKIP
You...what?
CHET (laughing)
Torture chamber! Hey, you gotta get in here, try it out!
SKIP
Try it out? Agent Philips, we are in mortal danger!
CHET
Skip. I know how the job makes you believe that every little last bump in the road is an emergency, but take it from me: you need to relax.
SKIP
Agent Philips...what have they done to you?
CHET
What have they done? Skip, listen, they decontaminated me. I was so wound up with unimportant garbage that was driving me nuts! Work! Filing reports! Staving off international conflicts! In the long run, does any of that really matter?
SKIP
Of course it does! You save lives! You avert wars!
CHET
In the grand scheme of things, Skip, people die every day and there’s nothing I can do about it. I was driving myself to an early grave worrying. These people showed me how to relax.
SKIP
They were pumping you for information! They stole the mission tapes!
CHET
The EMF is just a blip in history’s radar, Skip, it’s not important -
SKIP
They’ve aided and abetted criminals that have tried to kill me and my teammates!
CHET
Only because you keep fighting them, Skip! You poke the bear, it eats you! The Oceanologists have the answer for you: just quit.
SKIP
No. No! I refuse to put my morals aside just so I can stop worrying!
ADMIRAL
We’ll see about that, Skip Granger.
SKIP
AAAH!
SFX: A SCUFFLE ENSUES. THE ADMIRAL AND CHET HAVE SKIP IN THEIR CLUTCHES.
SKIP
What have you done to Gloria?
ADMIRAL
She’s safe and secure, and soon, we’ll show her the secrets of the universe, just like you!
SKIP
NO! NO! I WON’T SUBMIT TO YOUR MACHINE!
ADMIRAL
In you go, upsy-daisy. Whoop!
SFX: SKIP STRUGGLES AS THEY STRAP HIM TO THE MACHINE.
SKIP
I won’t! I’ll never give up! I’ll never stop fighting!
ADMIRAL
I’m sorry we don’t have more time with you, Agent Granger. We allowed Mister Phillips several months to adjust, but...well, for you, we’ll just turn the machine up to 11.
SKIP
NO! NO!
SFX: THE ADMIRAL TURNS THE MACHINE TO 11.
CHET
C’mon, Skip. Just relax.
SKIP
NOOOOOO
SFX: THEY SHUT SKIP INSIDE THE MACHINE AND TURN IT ON.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: Chet and the Admiral walk down the hall together.
ADMIRAL
...so I says to Trixie I says, I once ate so many pancakes, they made me Chairman of Denny’s!
CHET
I believe it. Do you hear something?
ADMIRAL
It’s probably Granger still screaming back in the spa. He’ll stop soon.
CHET
No, it sounds like...the engines?
SFX: THEY LISTEN. SURE ENOUGH, THE ENGINES ARE WHINING.
ADMIRAL
That it does! I’m sure Trixie will take care of it, nothing to worry!
CHET
I’m sure you’re right. You know, Admiral, I think I’m gonna marry that girl.
ADMIRAL
Son, she’s a good one. I’d trust her with my life! Good luck to both of you!
CHET
Thanks.
ADMIRAL
What a wonderful evening!
SFX: A DOOR OPENS.
ADMIRAL
Well, this is a pickle.
CHET
You left that woman right here?
ADMIRAL
Hog-tied and everything.
CHET
She couldn’t have worked her way out of it?
ADMIRAL
Sir, when I tie a hog -
CHET
Admiral, I’m serious! She’s a trained EMF operative, she could be anywhere!
ADMIRAL
Oh, there she is!
CHET
Where?
GLORIA
HiiiYAAA!
CHET
OW!
SFX: GLORIA AND CHET AND THE ADMIRAL FIGHT WHILE VERBALLY
SPARRING!
GLORIA
What have you done with Skip Granger?
CHET
See, this is exactly what I was telling him. You agents never leave the job at home! It’s a cruise ship, people! Take a load off!
SFX: Chet delivers a vicious blow to Gloria! She springs back.
ADMIRAL
Give in, girl! Accept the inevitable!
GLORIA
Accept this!
SFX: GLORAI SPRAYS THEM BOTH WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND
RUNS.
ADMIRAL
AAAH! I KNEW KEEPING UP-TO-DATE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS WOULD COME BACK TO HAUNT ME!
SFX: Gloria runs down the hallway! CRASH!
GLORIA
Ahh!
BOWDEN
Gloria! It’s me!
GLORIA
Oh God, Bo ,I thought you were the Admiral.
BOWDEN
I’m sweating so hard I can’t get this stupid mask off.
MACKENZIE
Where’s Skip?
GLORIA
I don’t know! He went to the spa and never came back! Agent Philips has been brainwashed!
BOWDEN
The ship’s engines are going to explode any minute and sink us!
MACKENZIE
We have to get to the spa!
CHET (OFF)
Hey, folks! Where you at? I think it’s time for some EMF martial arts training from the master, Chet Philips!
GLORIA
Oh, God, we’ll never make it in time with Chet and the Admiral in the way!
BOWDEN
I’ll hold them off while you get Skip!
GLORIA
No! Mackenzie, get Skip. Bowden and I will fight them two-on-two!
BOWDEN
Gloria, no -
GLORIA
Bo! I am taking command of this mission and I say we are going to fight these two side by side!
BOWDEN
I love you, Gloria Kovak.
GLORIA
I love you, Bowden Montcrief.
SFX: Passionate kiss.
MACKENZIE
OK, so I was gonna say I’m gonna run to the spa before this gets ugly, but I guess I was too late.
GLORIA
Go, Agent McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Am I an Agent, now?
GLORIA
Go!
MACKENZIE
I’m goin’.
GLORIA
I’ll take Chet.
BOWDEN
I guess I’ll take -
ADMIRAL
MY GOD!
BOWDEN
The Admiral!
ADMIRAL
I KNEW IT! MY MEDITATION TECHNIQUES HAVE MATERIALIZED MY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS INTO MY EXACT DOUBLE!
BOWDEN
Oh, uhhh...
ADMIRAL
I SHALL NOW DESTROY THESE THOUGHTS INCARNATE AND ACHIEVE TRUE MASTERY OF THE UNIVERSE!
SFX: RRRRIP.
BOWDEN
Please, sir, do not tear your shirt off! You are no Patrick Swayze!
ADMIRAL
COME FOR ME, GMORK! I AM ATREYU!
SFX: THEY FIGHT.
SFX: CHET POUNDS GLORIA.
CHET
C’mon, Gloria, get up. You can be the first recruit for the Chet Philips Nighty-Night Relaxation Internship.
GLORIA
I...AM NOT...AN INTERN! I’M A GRADUATE FELLOW!
CHET
OK!
GLORIA
SAY IT!
CHET
YOU’RE A GRADUATE FELLOW! HOW ARE YOU WINNING THIS FIGHT?
GLORIA
MAYBE THIS IS A LESSON IN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND A YEAR DRINKING MARGARITAS INSTEAD OF CULTIVATING A LEARNING MINDSET AND ACTIVELY IMPROVING YOUR SKILLS!
SFX: Gloria knocks him out.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Nighty-night, Agent Philips. Bo? Where are you?
SFX: WHOOSH CUT -
SFX: The Admiral throws Bowden out onto the poop deck. The steel
drum band keeps playing.
ADMIRAL
I’ll dismantle you, negative thoughts, and eat every one of your fingers!
BOWDEN
How are you this strong? You’re like 90 years old! Oof!
ADMIRAL
I have purged my body of all poisons, deficiencies, troublesome thoughts and lymph goo!
BOWDEN
Seriously? You didn’t even know your own second-in-command was plotting against you!
ADMIRAL
Impossible!
BOWDEN
Did you know she was Athena O’Brien, the crime lord’s daughter?
ADMIRAL
Ha! Of course I did. She disguised herself to keep her identity secret from Chet Philips and the world. But not I! Athena fully embraced the secrets of Oceanology and became a happy, gentle seafaring spirit named Trixie -
BOWDEN
Yeah, you got conned, old man. She’s been using you for two years get to get her hands on your exclusive guest list.
ADMIRAL
Liar!
SFX: The Admiral KICKS Bowden!
BOWDEN
She set the ship’s engine to explode and sink you to the sea floor!
ADMIRAL
Let her try! I will rise from the ocean like salty wet phoenix!
SFX: Another hard chop. Bowden laughs.
ADMIRAL
DON’T YOU LAUGH AT ME!
BOWDEN
I’m sorry, you’re pitiful.
ADMIRAL
HOW DARE YOU!
BOWDEN
Get this thing off me -
SFX: Bowden tears off the face mask.
BOWDEN
I’m not your negative thoughts, you self-absorbed ninny! I’m -
ADMIRAL
You’re Bowden Montcrief, Raquel’s love interest on Acquaintances!
BOWDEN
And you are a stupid old man who felt sad that he couldn’t get Hollywood to pay attention to him. I’ve been there, sir. The difference between you and me is: I didn’t try to kill people because my life didn’t turn out the way I expected.
ADMIRAL
I have crafted myself into a god! You are an actor. A poor, hollow, shadow of a man, who has to play pretend for attention!
BOWDEN
No Admiral. I embody human beings. I see the humanity in others and
bring it out. That’s why I can study you and see a narcissistic little man who’s only interested in bettering himself at the expense of everyone else.
SFX: OOF! The Admiral kicks Bowden again.
ADMIRAL
Is this the only way an actor knows how to fight? Talking me to death?
BOWDEN
No. Just mesmerizing you with my performance, until my girlfriend can show up to kick your ass.
GLORIA
Hey Admiral!
ADMIRAL
What?!?
GLORIA
Become one with the ocean.
SFX: SMACK! Bowden and Gloria leap up and TOSS THE ADMIRAL OVER THE
RAILING!
ADMIRAL
Man overBOOOARD!
SFX: SPLASH!
BOWDEN / GLORIA
You were amazing.
SFX: A passionate kiss.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFX: Mackenzie bursts into the spa.
MACKENZIE
Skip! Skip! Oh god. (knocks on the machine) Skip can you hear me?
SKIP (placid)
I hear you McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Thank god. OK, hang on.
SKIP
Sure. I feel great.
SFX: Mackenzie taps away at a computer console. A lot of beeping.
MACKENZIE
OK look Skip I’ve got access to their system but...they’ve turned this thing up to the max and now it’s hooked directly into your brain. If I mess with it I don’t know what it’s gonna do to you. I can’t...I can’t shut this down. DAMMIT. STUPID USELESS -
SKIP
It’s not a problem, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
What part of this isn’t a problem?
SKIP
You just need to calm down.
MACKENZIE
Skip, what’s it doing to you?
SKIP
It’s opening my eyes. Everything’s fine.
MACKENZIE
Everything is not fine! Goddammit Agent Granger, on your feet!
SKIP
I always thought Chet had it all together, and boy, was I right. I’ve never felt so at peace. Just relax, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
OK. Skippy.
SKIP (still under, but slightly annoyed)
I’ve asked you not to call me Skippy, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
You know, you look like a carrot in a hipster’s vegetable crisper.
SKIP
I...I place no value on my physical appearance any more.
MACKENZIE
Any more?
SKIP
What?
MACKENZIE
If this was what you looked like when you cared, you’re gonna frighten children when you start to “relax”.
SFX: WARNING ALARMS START TO GO OFF ON THE MACHINE. “BLOOD
PRESSURE RISING.”
BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
McGrath! Where are you?
GLORIA (ON COMMS)
We need to get off this ship!
MACKENZIE
This’ll take a minute, guys! Skip’s lying down on the job, as usual!
SKIP
Now hold on -
MACKENZIE
What gym do you go to, Skipper, Dunkin Donuts?
SKIP
Don’t call me Skipper!
MACKENZIE
Who’s your dietician, Doctor Pepper? Where’d you buy your clothes, a landfill?
SKIP
I’m not listening to you.
BOWDEN (OFF)
McGrath, hurry!
MACKENZIE
Hey Skip, when I get back to the office without you I’m gonna file your mission report -
SKIP
I don’t care -
MACKENZIE
In PURPLE HIGHLIGHTER -
SKIP
Don’t care!
MACKENZIE
Fold it into an origami crane -
SKIP
LA LA LA LA LA
MACKENZIE
Set in on fire, and shove it under Zelda’s door after I wipe my feet on your desk, rehang all your posters on a 20 degree slant and rearrange the color coding on your files!
SKIP
No you don’t McGrath they’re in a VERY SPECIFIC ORDER FOR A REASON!
SFX: ALARMS REACH CRITICAL! THE POWER DIPS! THE MACHINE
COLLAPSES, AND MCGRATH PULLS SKIP FREE!
MACKENZIE
Skip! Skip are you OK?
SKIP
I’m OK...I’m OK but SO HELP ME GOD MCGRATH IF YOU REARRANGE MY FILES!
MACKENZIE (laughing, relieved)
I knew there was no way Skip Granger would ever relax.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
SFZ: Gloria and Bowden are on the deck. The steel drums are still playing.
MACKENSIE (ON COMMS)
Skip’s safe, guys, we’ll come to you.
GLORIA
Great work, team! Meet us on -
SFX: AN EXPLOSION! A HOLE IS BLOWN THROUGH THE DECK!
BOWDEN
Gloria! Hang on!
GLORIA
Bo!
BOWDEN
Grab that line! Whoa!
SFX: ANOTHER EXPLOSION. THE STRETCH OF A ROPE. A HORRIBLE
WHIRRING NOISE BELOW THEM.
GLORIA
Half the deck must have collapsed!
BOWDEN
Can you pull us up?
GLORIA
I can’t climb and hold you at the same time!
BOWDEN
Let me go! I can’t see what down there but maybe -
GLORIA
Don’t you hear it? We’re directly above the engines!
BOWDEN
McGrath! We’re in trouble!
GLORIA
Help! Help!
SFX: WHOOSH CUT!
GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Help!
SKIP
McGrath! We’ve got to help them!
MACKENZIE
There’s no time! Maybe I can shut down the engine.
SKIP
McGrath, come on!
MACKENZIE
Your anxieties overloaded the highlevel systems, the network is a mess now. It’ll take some patching, but I think I can do this.
SKIP
There’s no time!
MACKENZIE
Then you have to get to them! I’ll handle the ship’s computer.
SKIP
I’m not leaving you here -
MACKENZIE
I’ll be right behind you! Gimme thirty seconds!
SKIP
Fine! Thirty seconds!
SFX: Skip runs.
MACKENZIE
No pressure. We’re fine. We’ll just give you a new init file, and then...
SFX: A STEEL DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
MACKENZIE
What the -
ADMIRAL (A recorsding, mechanical)
Uh uh uh! You didn’t say the magic word! Uh uh uh! You didn’t -
MACKENZIE
What the hell is this? You put a virus bomb in your own ship’s computer? What insane - let me out! Skip!
SFX: She bangs against the door.
MACKENZIE
OK. I can override this. Oh, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You’re disintegrating your own OS? Fine I’ll just build my own from scratch. In two minutes. Before the ship sinks. Dammit! Skip!
SFX: WHOOSH CUT!
SFX: SKIP RUNS THROUGH THE SHIP, AND GETS ON DECK. STEEL DRUM
MUSIC.
SKIP
McGrath are you coming? McGrath! Dammit. Bowden! Gloria! Where - THE SHIP IS GOING UNDER HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL PLAYING MUSIC?
STEEL DRUMMER
Hey man, we’re union, relax!
SKIP
STOP TELLING ME TO RELAX -
SFX: CREEEEAKK! SMASSSH! SPLASSSH! THEN..UNDERWATER, THE OCEAN.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISISON VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.
Also starring were Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien and Bob Killion as The Admiral.
Guest starring were Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, Natty Leach as Lt. Valerian, Devin Plantamura as Pebble, Thom Boyer as Marcus Ellsbury, Mike Reali as Sherman, Claire Klieger as Damrow, Dave Serfass as Curly Blacksteer, Dustin Karrat as Blaze Taggert, Anne Coleman as Olga, Jackie Sherman as Tatiana, Jose Maria Bejarano as El Pato, Jill Ivey as Elle Mae Sederstrom, Jeff Maschi as the Black Hat Brothers, and Johnny Goodtimes as Oleg Sokolov.
Music, sound editing and music were by Pete Barry, with additional recording by Karen Yang.
We'd like to thank our We’d like to thank our Patreon supporters who helped to make this season possible: Anne Coleman, Bill McCabe, John Pivetz, Marnie Warner, T. H. Wyman and Tim Pivetz. Thank you so much.
You can join them in helping us make season two by supporting us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for bonus content, exclusive audio and more, all for as little as $1 per month.
This has been a Porch Room Production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission: Rejected will return in 2020.
SFX: SURF. SPLUTTERING, COUGHING.
SKIP
HELLOOO! MCGRATH! GLORIA! BOWDEN! That’s somebody. Hey! HEY!
SFX: Skip runs down the beach. He slows.
SKIP
Oh you gotta be kidding me!
CHET
Hey Agent Granger! Grab us two shots of Stoli, wouldja?
SKIP
Of all the goddamn people to wash up on an island with!
CHET
Hey, I thought I was your hero!
SKIP
You listen to me! The ship sank, my friends are missing, and we’re lost on some rock in the middle of the ocean with no method of communication!
CHET
Look on the bright side.
SKIP
WHAT. BRIGHT. SIDE.
CHET
A whole mess of your most dangerous enemies are at the bottom of the ocean.
SKIP
Screw you, Phillips! If it meant I wasn’t alone on this island with you, I’d love to see even one of my former targets right now!
CASSANDRA
Whoa.
SKIP
Cassandra Helsinki?
CASSANDRA
Pull up some beach, dudes. No one’s ever gonna find us here.
MUSIC: END STING