Season Two, Episode Four: “A HARD DAY’S KNIGHT”
TRANSCRIPT

MUSIC: ACTION THEME

INT. SECURITY DESK - NIGHT

ARCHIE(as a delivery guy)
I got a classic sub with special sauce for Herr Meyerhefferwagner at the Dusseldorf Capital Bank?

SECURITY GUY
I didn’t order anything.

ARCHIE
Guess you got a secret admirer.

SECURITY GUY
A secret admirer? Oh boy!

CHET (AUDIO TAP)
Come in, Archie. How we doing?

EXT. DUSSELDORF CAPITAL BANK - ROOFTOP - SAME

SFX: Wind whispers in the quiet of night.

ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
He’ll be out cold in three... two... one. Chet and Quinn, you’re in the clear.

QUINN
Archie, what is in that sauce?

ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
Let’s just say it makes Rip van Winkle look like he took a quick nap.

CHET
Focus team, we have four minutes before security reboots. We need to get into Athena O’Brien’s bank vault, grab the file on her safe house location, and get out.

ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
That vault’s supposed to be unbreakable.

CHET
Whoever said that hasn’t met me. Lex? How we looking?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
All good, Chet. You’re right above the antechamber to the vault.

SFX: A LASER slicing through the roof.

CHET
And here we go.

SFX: Chet and Quinn rappel down into

INT. DUSSELDORF BANK - CONTINUOUS
CHET
We’re in.

ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
I’m coming up to meet you, entering the ventilation shaft now.

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
I’m gonna bring up the security grid. It should be visible... now.

SFX: A few beeps. Then, the BUZZING of infrared lasers.

CHET
A corpus infrared laser grid, huh?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Hit one of those lasers and the whole place goes into lockdown.

ARCHIE (AUDIO TAP)
Careful, please. I’d rather not get stuck in the HVAC.

QUINN
We doing this like Dubai, Chet?

CHET
Just like Dubai.

SFX: Quinn and Chet flip through the lasers in perfect sync. They reach the other side, a bit out of breath.

CHET
Cake walk.

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Okay, see that grate to your left? Open it, Archie will join you.

SFX CLANGING as the vent springs open and Archie drops down.

ARCHIE
Archie, coming in hot.

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Now all that’s left to do is get in the vault and get the goods.

ADMIRAL
What should I do, Mr. Doe?

CHET
AHH! Admiral! You’re supposed to wait outside and stand watch.

ADMIRAL
I felt that was not an appropriate use of my godlike talents. You should know better, you’ve been my partner in synchronized volleyball.

QUINN
How did you even get in here? This place has top of the line security.

ADMIRAL
My body is 165% water! With the power of my illustrious mind, I can pass through the water cycle and transform into an aqueous vapor capable of traversing through walls.

ARCHIE
Clock’s ticking, boys and girls.

CHET
Just stay out of the way, Admiral. Now, Lex, can you do something about this lock?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Easy.

SFX: Beep, beep, ding! Click.

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Presto. You’re dark-rinsed jeans with a bold brow look.

CHET
I’m what?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
You’re in, Grandpa.

SFX: The door whizzes open.

CHET AND ADMIRAL
We're in!

CHET
Damnit, Admiral! This is my mission, I get to say that.

ADMIRAL
Then why is the most famous heist movie called Ocean’s 11?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Keep moving, guys. The lockbox should be there.

ARCHIE
You mean the box with the wire connected to a stick of dynamite? That’s usually not good.

CHET
We’ll be fine... as long as we cut the right wire.

QUINN
There’s only one wire.

CHET
God, I hope I’m right.

SFX: Chet cuts the wire. The beeping stops. The box opens.

CHET
Damnit, Admiral!

ADMIRAL
The ocean speaks through me. Become one with the Ocean...’s 11.

ARCHIE
Um, guys?

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
What is it? What’s in there?

CHET
It’s an iPad. Hang on... it’s playing a video?

SFX: Video clicks on.

ATHENA (ON VIDEO)
You didn’t honestly think I’d keep top secret info in a vault under my own name, did you? Oh Chetty, you’re losing your touch.

CHET
Athena!

ATHENA (ON VIDEO)
But I’m feeling nice, Chettinooga Choo Choo, so I’ll save you some time and say this: you’re never going to find me. I’m always one step ahead of you; I’m smarter, faster, and all-around better. And I’m losing my patience. So unless you want things to end badly, I’d back off. See ya, suckers.

SFX: Click. The video ends. The group is silent for a moment.

CHET
I will find you Athena, if it’s the last thing I do.

LEX (AUDIO TAP)
Uh, team? We’ve got thirty seconds before systems come back online. You gotta bail, now.

SFX: The team starts running.

ADMIRAL
Ah, a message drone! It must also be able to turn into an aqueous vapor and traverse through walls. Mr. Doe, if you don’t mind...

MISSION VOICE
Good evening, Agent Phillips. The anonymous pharmaceutical scientist, known only as The Chemist, has been detected experimenting with a new amphetamine designed to amplify aggression to the point of superhuman strength. Your mission, should you choose to accept it--

SFX: ALARMS start BLARING!

CHET (still running)
Rejected! Jesus, Admiral, read the room!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: A Hard Day's Knight.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

SFX: Bleeps and bloops of the briefing room computers. Door opens, Zelda enters, flicks on the lights.

MACKENZIE
(surprised, groggy)
Ahhh! Hey!

ZELDA
Ms. McGrath? Why are you sleeping in the briefing room?

MACKENZIE
Because you put Kristatos O’Brien in the room next to mine and those walls are thin. He’s teaching himself to play guitar and all he knows is Ironic by Alanis Morisette.

ZELDA
I’m sorry to hear that your living quarters are disagreeable, but since we seem to be alone... you said you’d try again on that ‘solo mission’ I assigned you?

MACKENZIE
You mean, have I dug up any dirt on your boss for you so you can get him fired and steal back the job he stole from you?

ZELDA
I assure you, my intentions are purely professional-

MACKENZIE
Hey, relax, Z, I’m not judging. You’re a bureaucrat, it’s what you do. That’d be like judging the mouse in Bowden’s apartment for pooping in his shoes every night.

ZELDA
So, have you found anything yet?

MACKENZIE
How do you expect me to focus when I keep hearing about ten-thousand spoons over and over again?

ZELDA
Fair enough. But I urge you to make this a priority.

SFX: Bowden and Gloria enter.

BOWDEN
How does this sound?: “Finding inner peace begins with the right beverage”
(emphatic)
“Finding inner peace begins with the right beverage.”

MACKENZIE
Sounds like my daily dose of ‘headache’ is here.

GLORIA
Don’t mind him, he’s just practicing for his next audition.

BOWDEN
Ever since I mastered cerebral tranquility, I’ve committed myself to only endorsing products that fit my lifestyle. This is Spurt, Fiji Water’s answer to Lipton Green Tea.

GLORIA
And that’s great, Bo! But, maybe it would help if the products weren’t so... repulsive?

BOWDEN
Sure, it might taste like baboon placenta, but it does help you find inner peace. Want to try some?

MACKENZIE
Not if you paid me.

SFX: Door opens, Skip enters, humming to himself gleefully, with Dr. Legrange.

MACKENZIE
Hey, Skipper. What’s got you all grinny?

SKIP
Oh, nothing. Just the best mission we’ve ever been assigned!

MACKENZIE
Your excitement does not make me feel good about this.

LEGRANGE
Howdy-ho, friendos!

GLORIA
Dr. Legrange, are you joining us on this mission?

ZELDA
Actually, Dr. Legrange is the reason you have this mission. Gloria, slide projector?

GLORIA
On it.

SKIP
Now team, our target for this mission is...

SFX: Projector CLICKS.

MACKENZIE
A silhouette with a question mark for a head?

GLORIA
Oh! Did one of the Guess Who cards get in the slides again?

SKIP
No. Our target is Dr. Legrange’s former lab assistant.

LEGRANGE
Years go, we had a bit of a tiff. Artistic differences, you might say.

BOWDEN
Like me and Sean Penn.

SKIP
After he and Dr. Legrange parted ways, the assistant changed his name and underwent extensive plastic surgery. We technically don’t know who he actually is.

BOWDEN
Facial reconstruction, huh? He’s one step closer to getting his SAG card.

SKIP
Under the pseudonym of ‘The Chemist’, he’s become a notorious purveyor of experimental street synthetics. He runs un-sanctioned experiments, sells the product on the black market, and changes identities whenever the authorities get close to catching him.

MACKENZIE
What kind of street synthetics are we talking?

LEGRANGE
You heard of Molly? Molly was ze knock off of his original creation: Dorothy.

BOWDEN
So it’s good stuff.

ZELDA
Without a face or a name, tracking The Chemist has been difficult.

LEGRANGE
Lucky for us, an associate of mine tipped me off. Ze Chemist is stateside and slinging puff to dabblers who think zey’re getting ze standard LA Turnaround.

GLORIA
...what?

LEGRANGE
I started reading ze Urban Dictionary! It’s very good.

SKIP
It’s critical we track down The Chemist and put a stop to his experiments. We’ve tested thousands of millennial stool samples and found deposits of a synthetic that’s dangerous, chemically, ethically, and politically.

BOWDEN
Buzzfeed just came out with a Tide Pod cookbook. Couldn’t it be that?

SKIP
Not likely. The synthetic remnants we found contained a signature chemical compound based off of Dr. Legrange’s work. Only The Chemist could know how to make it.

GLORIA
So, what exactly does this synthetic compound do?

LEGRANGE
It makes you go berkier than a frog in a sock!

SKIP
Well... pretty much. Reports show that The Chemist’s amphetamine triggers irrational thinking, extreme aggressiveness and elevated physical strength off the charts. It culminates in an anabolic rage that is virtually unstoppable until the user collapses.

MACKENZIE
Why were you working on something that makes people Hulk out?

LEGRANGE
Why do I do ANYTHING?

ZELDA
The EMF believes, if The Chemist is able to perfect the amphetamine, he could raise a superhuman army. Or worse, sell the ability to do so to the highest bidder.

SKIP
The Chemist is a genius, he’s-

LEGRANGE
Ack no! He learned everything from me. Except his disregard for the scientific process and his mad banjo skills. Ze man had ze fingers of an angel.

SKIP
We shouldn’t underestimate him, Dr. Legrange. He is intelligent and horribly reckless.

GLORIA
This would make a great movie!

BOWDEN
No thanks. If I wanted to have Bryan Cranston steal another psychologically-complex anti-hero role from me, I’d audition for the reboot of Malcolm in the Middle.

MACKENZIE
Okay, but how do we track this guy down if we don’t know what he looks like or what his name is?

SKIP
The stool samples from millenials that tested positive were all from a specific area. We’re certain that’s where he’s holed up. Our job is simple recon: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

BOWDEN
So it’s a drug bust. Excellent, I can finally prove that I was totally robbed out of Ice Cube’s role in 21 Jump Street.

MACKENZIE
You still haven’t told us where we’re going.

SKIP
That’s the exciting part! Gloria?

SFX: CLICK to the next slide.

SKIP
This is a map of the United States, showing where the chemical compound was detected.

GLORIA
I don’t see anything.

SKIP
Gloria, zoom in. Now enhance.

GLORIA
Enhance? Agent Granger, this is a slide projector!

SKIP
Just... go to the next one.

SFX: CLICK.

MACKENZIE
What is that, Nowheresville, Ohio?

SKIP
Not Nowheresville, Ohio. Harveysburg, Ohio.

BOWDEN
Wait... Skip, you can’t be serious.

SKIP
Yes!

BOWDEN
The Renaissance Faire?! Skip, no, you cannot do this to me. No self-respecting actor would be caught dead at a Renaissance Faire. I need to-- Ohm.... Ohm...

MACKENZIE
You want us to chase down psycho Dr. Frankenstein while running around in armor and Victorian dresses?

SKIP
Of course not.

MACKENZIE
Thank god.

SKIP
They’d be Elizabethan dresses! Victorian garb wouldn’t be around for another two hundred years.

MACKENZIE
I hate you.

GLORIA
I don’t get it though. If The Chemist is a dangerous pharmaceutical mastermind, why set up shop at a Renaissance Faire?

BOWDEN
For the same reason Betty White got banned from the Golden Girls wrap party: after a long day, actors like to let loose.

SKIP
Right. Voluntary, yet unsuspecting, test subjects.

ZELDA
And it’s easy to lay low. Who would notice something weird going on at a Renaissance Faire?

LEGRANGE
It’s all weird!

SKIP
Exactly. The Chemist can hide in plain sight and any odd behavior in his subjects is simply explained as “too much mead”.

MACKENZIE
Okay, but you do get how absurd this entire mission is, right?

SKIP
Come on, get excited! The Renaissance Faire is the coolest place in the world.

BOWDEN
Have you ever been there?

SKIP
... No, but I always wanted to. In 8th grade, I did a big project on the Renaissance and my family planned a trip, but there weren’t enough seats in the car so I volunteered to stay home.

SFX: Awkward silence. Slide project clicks.

GLORIA
Anyway...

BOWDEN
Skip, you know I respect you but come on. It’s a Renaissance Faire!

SKIP
(missing the point)
I know!

GLORIA
A Ren Faire might be fun! There are all these fun games and shops, and we get to wear costumes! It’s called LARPing.

SKIP
That’s right, Gloria! And each day, the performers act out a storyline! You can follow the performers around the venue and watch the kingdom go to war or, if we’re lucky, deal with a grain shortage!

BOWDEN
It’s not real acting, it’s caricature!

GLORIA
Bo, I would have thought this would be right up your alley!

BOWDEN
Five years ago I did summer stock for Rasputin: The Musical and my roommate Jeff was a Renaissance Faire junkie. He couldn’t wait to join one and he was utterly unbearable.

MACKENZIE
An actor? Unbearable? No.

BOWDEN
The stress he put me through: puddles of goo in the bathroom, off-key vocal warm-ups... Ohm... Ohm... Ohm...

SKIP
Bowden I recognize this mission isn’t your cup of tea but you’re a vital part of this team and we need you.

MACKENZIE
I’ll do it if Bowden stops humming like a demonic vacuum cleaner.

BOWDEN
I wouldn’t do this for just anyone, Skip...

SKIP
Oh huzzah!! Now, for the tactical logistics: the Faire is big-

SFX: Slide CLICK.

SKIP
So we divide and conquer. Bowden and Gloria, you hit the town square and ask about any suspicious activity. McGrath, Dr. Legrange, and I will do some recon among the merchants. Then we meet at the human chessboard and compare notes.

MACKENZIE
Human chess board?

BOWDEN
Don’t ask.

ZELDA
I warn you all: stay undercover. If The Chemist thinks you’re onto him, he’ll bolt.

LEGRANGE
Ze sorry Charlie will never see us coming.

SKIP
Now, to prepare you, I’ve taken the liberty of typing up some notes on the Renaissance period.

SFX: Skip heaves a stack of books onto the table. GASPS.

SKIP
I encourage you to familiarize yourselves.

MACKENZIE
Jesus, Skip!

BOWDEN
Why didn’t you just send those straight to Houghton Mifflin and publish it as a textbook?

SKIP
I tried. They told me that they were looking for something less “thoroughly researched”.

GLORIA
Well, it certainly seems... informative.

SKIP
Thank you! Now here are your costumes...

SFX: Skip passes out costumes.

MACKENZIE
I don’t get a suit of armor? What gives, Skip? I thought you knew me.

SKIP
Sorry, McGrath, we need to blend in. Just a tunic and cloak for you, me, Gloria, and Dr. Legrange.

SFX: A light JINGLING of bells.

BOWDEN
Um, Skip. What is this?

SKIP
It’s your costume!

BOWDEN
A jester! Good god, man! Are you trying to end me?

SKIP
Stefan in wardrobe said it was all we have in your size.

BOWDEN
Stefan? He’s had it out for me ever since I told him his haircut was disastrously derivative of the Drake Bell pompadour.

ZELDA
You’ll simply have to suffer through, Bowden.

MACKENZIE
Okay, now for the fun stuff: what sort of gadgets do we get for this one? A heat-seeking drug scanner? A psychoneuron blaster?

SKIP
No need for it. That stuff wasn’t around during the Renaissance, and we’d stick out like a sore thumb. No, we’ll be doing this old school. 400 years old school, to be exact.

MACKENZIE
I’m gonna hate every minute of this, aren’t I?

SKIP
No time to waste, team! Tally ho and pray we meet again, when the cock crows at the gentlest whisper of golden dawn! Huzzah!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. RENAISSANCE FAIRE ENTRANCE - DAY

SFX: Trumpet fanfare!! The bustling sounds of crowds.

SKIP
Okay team! We’re here, we’re ready to go, and may I say, we look pretty dapper in our costumes, my lieges.

LEGRANGE
Feeling fresh, daddy-o.

SKIP
Wait... where’s Sir Bowden?

MACKENZIE
He’s behind that bush. I can see his pointy hat.

SKIP
Bowden! Quit hiding and come get ready to storm the gates!

BOWDEN
Oh no. Skip, you have no idea what this is like. An actor of my caliber, reduced to a tawdry jester, a role only fit for Wallace Shawn and Carrot Top. I am the Icarus of the arts, and you, Skip? You have made a mockery of me.

GLORIA
Come on, Bowden. For me? It’s not that bad.

BOWDEN
(sighing)
Fine.

SFX: JINGLING with every step as Bowden emerges.

MACKENZIE
(laughing)
This is my favorite day.

BOWDEN
I KNEW IT!

GLORIA
No! You look dashing, I promise! The red on those pants really suits you... and the green... and the orange... and the magenta...

LEGRANGE
You look zazzier zan a unicorn burp.

BOWDEN
OHM... OHM... OHM...

SKIP
Alright team, let’s get it together. Once we go through that portcullis, we have to blend in with the actors. We ARE in the Renaissance. A time of mighty warriors, glorious kings, and counter-urbanization! Huzzah!

EXT. FAIRE GROUNDS - LATER

SFX: Villagers bustle to a fro. Wagons wheel along dirt paths. Maybe a horse whinnies.

SKIP
(inhaling)
Ahh, you can practically taste the manure.

MACKENZIE
God, I hope not.

GLORIA
I picked up this brochure at the gate-- there’s all sorts of fun stuff! There’s a joust at the end of the day... OOH A PETTING ZOO!

SKIP
Gloria, we’re not here as guests-

MACKENZIE
Wait! What is that man eating?

SKIP
Ah! That’s a Meat Meltdown, served at the local Meat Meltdown-ery.

MACKENZIE
I need one.

SFX: She walks away.

GLORIA
And... we’ve lost Mackenzie.

SKIP
I can’t say I blame her. The Renaissance Faire really is a magical place. I’ve dreamed of this day for a long time and it’s everything I hoped-- HEY!

LEGRANGE
You good, johnny pop?

SKIP
That style of roof thatching! They wouldn’t have had that during the Renaissance! That wouldn’t have come around until at least the Protestant Reformation!

BOWDEN
So?

SKIP
So! It’s historically inaccurate.

BOWDEN
Oh boy. Wait til you see all the Harry Potters.

SKIP
WHAT!?

GLORIA
I think it’s “Harrys Potter”. You know, like attorneys general?

SFX: Mackenzie returns.

MACKENZIE
(through a mouthful of Meat Meltdown)
Okay, I take it back. This place isn’t so bad. Plus, that dog over there’s dressed up like a little knight! I named him Sir Goodboy.

BOWDEN
My god-- this brochure says that they got Genevieve Jones to play the role of Elizabeth I!

MACKENZIE
Who?

BOWDEN
One of the biggest names in the dinner theatre circuit. I saw her in La Serviette de Toilette.

GLORIA
She’s also a major lifestyle guide! She spoke at the Shark Jumping symposium I went to last year.

LEGRANGE
Oh ja. And she’s always blowing up on ze Instagrams.

SKIP
Okay team, we’re getting off-track. I know this is very exciting and also a bit disappointing given the lack of accuracy they’re treating the time period with. I mean, it’s downright irresponsible, people are going to have a completely backwards understanding of-

GLORIA
Um, Agent Granger?

SKIP
Right, sorry! Time to split up. McGrath, Dr. Legrange, and I will go down to Merchant’s Row and talk to the shopkeeps. Gloria and-

JEFF
BOWDEN MONCRIEF!?

BOWDEN
Wha- oh no.

SFX: Lute strumming. Jeff, the Bard, approaches.

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
Bowden my friend, it’s been so very long,
My heart is so full, I must express it in song!
The memories we shared, we had such a blast,
How nice to run into someone from my past!

BOWDEN
(sighing heavily)
Everyone, this is my old summerstock roommate, Jeff. So, Jeff. Still working here, huh? Are you terrorizing these castmates too?

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
But Bowden, I’m rude! These are your friends?
Introduce them at once so I might make amends.

SKIP
Jeff, it’s so nice to meet a friend of Bowden’s! We are also Bowden’s actor friends and we’ve signed on to bring a bit more historical accuracy to the Renaissance Faire. Bowden and Gloria here, they need to find the town square-

JEFF
(singing and strumming)
Alas, travelers! Why didn’t you say?
How fine that you join us on this glorious day.
I laugh and rejoice, filled with such glee.
To find the town square, you must follow ME!

SFX: And Jeff runs off, strumming his lute.

GLORIA
Bowden, he was your roommate?

BOWDEN
Yes. He sang everything back then too and my haircare products kept going mysteriously missing. I barely slept out of fear that he’d have a nervous breakdown and kill me in my sleep.

LEGRANGE
I like him. You think he knows Wonderwall?

GLORIA
He works here so he might know something about The Chemist’s experiments. I’m so sorry, Bo... I think we should go with him.

BOWDEN
(deep breathing)
Happy thoughts... Ohm... NBC’s live production of Hairspray... Ohm...

GLORIA
Come on.

SFX: Gloria and Bowden leave.

SKIP
Okay. McGrath, Dr. Legrange, we need to mingle among the commoners and see what we can find out. We’ll start with the merchants, they--

MACKENZIE
Let’s go to the tavern!

SKIP
What!? No!

MACKENZIE
But taverns are where you get information in video games. Tips and rumors for two gold, you know?

SKIP
You’re just looking for an excuse to drink on the job.

LEGRANGE
Don’t keep ze party down, diddy.

SKIP
No. Absolutely not. I’ve seen you both drunk at the nondenominational office holiday party, and we cannot have another shrimp scampi incident. We venture onwards to The Sharper Image of the Renaissance Faire: the Blacksmith!

INT. SMITHY - CONTINUOUS

SFX Burning coal crackles. A heavy hammer clangs away at the forge. The door opens.

SKIP
(performing, badly)
Hm. A lovely smithy, thy has. Might thou be Gork, the Guildmaster Smith?
GORK, working at the forge, GRUNTS.

LEGRANGE
Yowza! You know zere’s a giant hole in your wall, right?

GORK
Customer makes a scene, I make him leave.

LEGRANGE
(whispering)
Signs of anabolic rage. Ask if he’s got a line on some zesty tulips.

MACKENZIE
(whispering)
We’re seriously asking Skip Granger to do our drug deal? Skip, do you even know what drugs are?

SKIP
(whispering)
Yes! I watched every season of The Wire, even season 2. You just have to speak their language.
(to Gork)
Good sir, you work with an artists’ hands. What iron do you forge?

SFX: CLANG CLANG CLANG.

GORK
Nine iron.

SKIP
But... that’s a golf club. They didn’t have golf clubs in the Renaissance!

GORK
No one’s gonna buy a damn broadsword.

SKIP
Sirrah, we’re looking to purchase a good time. Do you know where I might purchase a good time?

GORK
You want Madam’s House of Ladies and Lads.

SKIP
(flustered)
No, not-... sorry, I’ve never really done this before. In high school, a classmate asked me to try and get him some marijuana, but I told him “no. Brian, that’s no way to solve your problems, you’re just going to have to get over your parents’ divorce some other way and-”... hang on.

MACKENZIE
Oh no.

SKIP
I’m sorry, but your whole set up is a mess! It’s historically inaccurate. You’re using a sledge-hammer in a wrought iron hearth but a Renaissance smith would use a trip hammer against an anvil. And the decor in here is more Nordic Viking. What kind of blacksmith are you?

SFX: The clanging falls silent.

EXT. SMITHY - MOMENTS LATER

SFX: Skip, Mackenzie, and Dr. Legrange yell as they’re thrown through the hole in the wall.

LEGRANGE
So zat’s what ze hole is for.

SKIP
That was an overreaction!

MACKENZIE
Debatable. Now can we go to the tavern?

SKIP
No! We must not falter in the face of adversity, we must forge on and keep our wits about us! Got that? No one is going to the tavern!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. TAVERN - SAME

SFX: CHEERS! A rowdy DRINKING SONG, led by Bowden.

BOWDEN
You gents really know how to have a good time. Barkeep! Another grog! What is grog, anyway? It’s not great, but it’s not awful.

GLORIA
Bowden! We aren’t here to drink, we’re here because Jeff said... or sang, really... that the tavern is the best place to get information.

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
A place where knowledge is traded like hugs,
At the tavern, a fellow might point you to drugs.

BOWDEN
Tell me, Jeff, where was this helpful attitude when I was cleaning up your messes in the communal kitchen? To this day I have no idea what you were making.

SFX: Jeff strums.

BOWDEN
Fine. Barkeep? We’re new in town and looking for some recreational fun. Some spliff? Brain ticklers? A little California Easter Egg?

BARKEEP
What’s someone like you doing looking for something like that?

BOWDEN
Someone like me? You mean, devastatingly handsome?

SFX: The bells on Bowden’s costume jingle.

BARKEEP
Nah, court fool.

BOWDEN
Court fool!? Ohm... Ohm... Ohm...

BARKEEP
I don’t need anyone else getting blasted and starting a brawl.

GLORIA
That sounds like someone with heightened aggression and superhuman strength. Maybe they took The Chemist’s amphetamine!

BOWDEN
Or perhaps they just didn’t take kindly to the impudent Barkeep.

GLORIA
(to Barkeep)
Sir, we won’t cause any trouble. I’m very responsible; in high school, I was the head of the PTA.

BARKEEP
Looking to let loose, huh? Well, if you want information of the recreational kind, you best talk to that lass in the corner over there. Her name is Stormclaw.

BOWDEN
That kid with a Freddie Fish beach towel on his head?

BARKEEP
It’s a cloak. You wanna know things, she’s your person.

BOWDEN
The seventh circle of hell is the Ohio Renaissance Faire.

SFX: STOOLS SCRAPE against the floor. Bowden, Gloria, and Jeff walk to a quieter corner in the bar.

STORMCLAW
What do you want?

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
Well-

GLORIA
Jeff, not now! Hello, Ms. Stormclaw, m'am. We would like to buy some drugs please.

BOWDEN
Gloria! A little delicacy.

GLORIA
What? I’ve never done this before!

BOWDEN
You Stormclaw?

STORMCLAW
Who wants to know?

BOWDEN
We do, me and my girl...

SFX: LUTE STRUMS

BOWDEN
And this idiot. We’re looking for some recreational experiences. The Barkeep said you could tell us something about that.

STORMCLAW
Hmm... yes, I might have some information for you... But first, you must do something for me.

BOWDEN
Oh, come on. Look what I’m wearing, surely I’ve been through enough?

STORMCLAW
In video games, you must do side quests before you get the main one.

GLORIA
Mackenzie does say that.

BOWDEN
Fine. What do we have to do?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. MERCHANT’S ROW - LATER

SFX: Door SLAMS as Skip, McGrath & Legrange are shoved out.

MERCHANT
And stay out!

SKIP
If you arrange your crystals by carat instead of color, it would be more authentic... oh nevermind.

MACKENZIE
Damnit, Skip! Again?

LEGRANGE
Ze blue crystals made my brain buggy. I want ten.

MACKENZIE
Skip, you’re the kind of guy who just can’t buy drugs. It’s okay to admit it, you weren’t meant to.

SFX: Bubbling cauldron.

FAIRAH FAWCETT
Hello, my children.

MACKENZIE
Um. Can we help you?

LEGRANGE
Oh howdy! What’s zat cooking?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
That’s just my mood sounds tape.

SFX: Click on a tape deck-- the bubbling stops.

FAIRAH FAWCETT
My name is Renaissance Fairah Fawcett. I am the apothecarryer. I heard round town you we’re looking to buy a... tonic of strength.

SKIP
Yes! Do you know where we could find something like that, please?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
I can give you strength beyond your wildest dreams. But first, tell me: are you friends of the Candlemaker?

SKIP
No. The Candlemaker doesn’t have friends. Only competition.

FAIRAH FAWCETT
Mmmmm, yes. You have correctly answered my trick question. Now, by apothecarryer code, I must grant you one request.

MACKENZIE
This actually couldn’t have gone better.

SKIP
We’d like one of your “tonics”.

SFX: A bottle clinks.

FAIRAH FAWCETT
One swallow of this and you’ll never feel the same again.

SKIP
Great... do you have a to-go box?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
No. You must take it here. You do not want to offend Renaissance Fairah Fawcett

LEGRANGE
Careful, gibby.

MACKENZIE
Skip, you don’t have to do this.

SKIP
Yes, I do. If this is how we track down The Chemist then so be it.
(drinking)
Here we goooooooo!!!
(Nothing happens)
It tastes like lemon.

FAIRAH FAWCETT
Now, you should notice marginally reduced blood pressure in the next 48 hours.

SKIP
Wait, what?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
The all-natural, free trade herbal goo will lower your blood pressure.

SKIP
So... this isn’t a black market amphetamine?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
Of course not! Wait... are you from the FDA?

SKIP
No, but we’re looking for someone who deals illicit substances. Who’s a little
mysterious, maybe even seems a little dangerous?

FAIRAH FAWCETT
There’s only one man I can think of who fits that description. Stalking in the shadows, scheming, refusing to buy my supplements.

SKIP
Where can we find him?

FAIRA FAWCETT
He’s usually around the tavern.

MACKENZIE
WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME?

MUSIC: TRANSITON

INT. TAVERN - LATER

SFX: The tavern crowd. Bowden and Gloria pant heavily.

GLORIA
Ok. We got the Brewmaster’s Silver Goblet. Stormclaw, can you please tell us what we need to know?

STORMCLAW
Perhaps.

BOWDEN
Perhaps?! We’ve done everything you asked! We found the woodsman’s donkey’s lost hat, we gathered the ingredients for your weird soup, we even found the Sasquatch hiding in the mud pit. Can you please just tell us what we need to know?

STORMCLAW
I suppose you have earned some information.

BOWDEN
Thank god. What is it?

STORMCLAW
It is this: the archery range gives out fidget spinners as prizes.

GLORIA
What?

STORMCLAW
They’re really cool! They have old-timey runes printed on them.

BOWDEN
That’s your information?! I thought you were gonna tell us where to buy black market amphetamines!

STORMCLAW
Why would I know where to get amphetamines? I’m fourteen.

BOWDEN
You rotten, snivelling, pathetic excuse for a-

GLORIA
Bo! He’s a child for goodness sakes, why do you insist on fighting with children!?

BOWDEN
You’re right, I’m sorry... I need to re-center myself. OHM... OHM...

GLORIA
Miss Stormclaw, maybe you can still help us? We’re looking for a man who can get stuff that’s a bit sketchy.

STORMCLAW
Well... there is this one guy who hangs around here like that... actually, there, he’s leaving now.

GLORIA
That tall man in the armor and cloak! Bo, that must be him!

BOWDEN
Let’s get this scoundrel.

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
Well, it’s-

EXT. FAIRE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS

SFX: VILLAGERS BUSTLING.

GLORIA
Gosh, it’s so crowded out here! Where did he go?

BOWDEN
There, across the square! Let’s-

SKIP
Bowden! Gloria!

GLORIA
Agent Granger, Mackenzie, Dr. Legrange!

JEFF
(singing and strumming)
JEFF!

BOWDEN
Skip, we have a lead: that man over there is apparently shadier than a Taylor Swift breakup song.

MACKENZIE
Some lady also told us to look for a guy around the tavern.

LEGRANGE
Vamoose! We got a goose to gander!

SFX: Grunts as the group shoves through the thick crowd.

GLORIA
Oh it’s packed! Bo? Where are you?

MACKENZIE
Move it, I’m coming through!

BOWDEN
Hey, watch the sword, buddy!

SKIP
Excuse me, pardon...- Steampunk?! Are you kidding me? Get outta here!

JEFF
(strumming and singing)
Please let me pass,
Don’t be an ass!
Stand aside sir, I’ll have none of your sass!

SFX: More bustling as they squeeze through the packed crowd. Finally, on the other side-

GLORIA
(panting)
Ooph, finally! Okay... wait, where’s Skip?

MACKENZIE
I saw him squirm through with those little chicken arms of his.

LEGRANGE
A chicken with arms? Hello, next experiment!

BOWDEN
He was heading toward the jousting arena. He must have gone after The Chemist.

GLORIA
Then let’s go. I hope Agent Granger still has a bead on him.

EXT. ARENA - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Muffled sounds of a crowd cheering.

SKIP
(to himself)
Alright, where did he go? Is that him!? No, that’s... a Starfleet uniform?! Why?! Wait, there he is!
(yelling)
Hey! Wait up! Hold that door!

SFX: Skip knocks. The door opens.

SKIP
Excuse me. Perchance, did a man-

GUARD
You here for the fun?

SKIP
Um... yes?

GUARD
Follow me.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. ARENA - BACK TO THE OTHERS

SFX: Crowds CHEER.

MACKENZIE
This place is a madhouse!

GLORIA
I think we lost Jeff.

BOWDEN
Who cares?

LEGRANGE
I love zis place! Some guy handed me a free mead.

MACKENZIE
Where? I need a drink.

LEGRANGE
Take mine. Bottoms up, johnny.

SFX: Mackenzie downs the mead.

GLORIA
Where’s Agent Granger? We’ll never find The Chemist in all this!

SFX: A SPEAKER SYSTEM switches on

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Queen Elizabeth herself!

BOWDEN
Oh my god, it’s Genevieve Jones!

ELIZABETH I
Welcome, to all on this glorious day. Let the final joust begin!

INT. DARK TUNNEL - SAME - BACK TO SKIP

SKIP
Okay... so, a long dark underground passage. Nothing strange about that. Just your classic drug dealers lair. They didn’t have this chapter in D.A.R.E.

GUARD
Alright, up on the horse.

SKIP
The what?

SFX: HORSE WHINNIES.

EXT. ARENA - BACK TO THE OTHERS

SFX: Wooden gates open and horses step out onto the field.

ANNOUNCER
Let us welcome our brave knights!

BOWDEN
Is that... The Chemist is in the joust!? That is method acting gone too far. And he’s jousting against-

GLORIA
Agent Granger!!

SFX: Horses whinny. Crowds cheers.

GLORIA
But this doesn’t make any sense. Why is The Chemist jousting?

LEGRANGE
It’s hard to observe test subjects with a horse under your fanny.

MACKENZIE
(realizing something, hyped up)
Unless... he’s not observing. He’s trying to get close to that Genevieve lady. You said she was big. If he wins, he goes up and slips something in the Queen’s drink!

GLORIA
Okay... but why would he-

MACKENZIE
Don’t worry, I’ll stop him!

BOWDEN
Wait, McGrath, what are you doing?

SFX: Mackenzie shoves her way through the crowd.

MACKENZIE
Outta the way! Move it, assface, I’m coming through!

GLORIA
Ms. McGrath wait-!... And she’s smashing everything.

INT. ARENA - PRIVATE BOX - CONTINUOUS

SFX: CRASHES as Mackenzie furiously THROWS everything.

QUEEN ELIZABETH I
Peasant, what are you doing?!

MACKENZIE
Who you calling ‘peasant’? That horse guy’s evil! He’s gonna try and poison you!

QUEEN ELIZABETH I
Um, yeah, that’s the whole point.

SFX: Mackenzie stops smashing stuff.

MACKENZIE
What?

QUEEN ELIZABETH I
That’s what happens next- Sir Dauntless poisons my wine in a grab at the crown, then I cure myself with the dragon scale pendant my father gave me and challenge him to combat in order to regain control of the kingdom. Haven’t you read the script?

MACKENZIE
The script?

QUEEN ELIZABETH I
The storyline for the Faire this week. You didn’t even read it? Damn day players, they’re all amateurs. Get off the stage, freak!

MACKENZIE
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

SFX: Mackenzie keeps smashing stuff.

ANNOUNCER (LOUDSPEAKER)
This is a first, we’ve got a peasant causing mayhem in Queen Elizabeth’s private box. She’s flipping over everything, folks. It’s absolutely terrifying, isn’t it?

INT. ARENA - PRIVATE BOX - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Mackenzie smashing things as Gloria, Bowden, and Legrange run up.

GLORIA
(trying to stop her)
Ms. McGrath, quit- that-- Oh my god, did you just bite me!?

MACKENZIE
Back off chump, I’ll mess you up!

GLORIA
What has gotten into- oh no... you’ve been narcotized! Irrationality, aggressiveness... it must have been the mead! Dr. Legrange, The Chemist must have recognized you, slipped something in the drink, and gave it to you thinking you would drink it.

BOWDEN
That villain!

LEGRANGE
Nah, if she’d gotten a dose, she’d be going ape, starting fights, destroying stuff...

SFX: Mackenzie yells and keeps smashing stuff.

LEGRANGE
Oh yeah, I guess that is what happened.

MACKENZIE
He drugged me??? Let me at him, I’ll rip his face off!

GLORIA
We need to get her to calm down.

BOWDEN
I’ve got just the thing. Gloria, hold her down. After all: “Finding inner peace begins with the right beverage.” Open wide, McGrath! Time for some Spurt, by Fiji Water!

MACKENZIE
DON’T YOU DARE!

SFX: Mackenzie struggles against Gloria and then: glug, glug.

MACKENZIE
(dazed, coming down)
Woah... oh man... that is foul... but I do feel, like, way chilled out. So chill... man, I need a nap.

SFX: Mackenzie collapses.

GLORIA
That stuff really does work!

LEGRANGE
What about zat dastardly Chemist?

BOWDEN
We never had a lead on The Chemist. The man on the horse is just an actor playing a villain in a show. I know bad acting, and all those people we spoke to were simply playing off a poorly conceived Renaissance Faire script and we bought it. I can’t believe I got caught up in it. If my old acting coach could see this, he’d make me perform The Expendables monologue as punishment.

SFX: Trumpet fanfare!

ANNOUNCER
Lords and ladies, time to joust!

INT. ARENA - BACK TO SKIP

SFX: Crowd cheers.

SKIP
Okay, Skip! You’ve read all about equine husbandry, you’ve played Joust at the arcade; you can do this. Heels down, back up straight, lance forward... WOAH!

ANNOUNCER (LOUDSPEAKER)
It looks like one jouster almost toppled over. Bit too much ale, eh? Hope you didn’t put too many doubloons on him!

SKIP
THEY DIDN’T CALL THEM DOUBLOONS, YOU JERK! They were ducats! Ducats, ducats, DUCATS! I’ve had it with the blatant disrespect for the era that redefined classical philosophy and spurred the advancement of European commerce!
(breathing deep)
Stand back, plebeians. It’s time to show you all what it means to be a true Renaissance Man!

ANNOUNCER (LOUDSPEAKER)
And we begin in three... two... one... JOUST!

SFX: HOOVES GALLOP!

SKIP
FOR VICTORY!!!!

SFX: CLANG!!!! Crowd GROANS. The gang rushes to Skip.

SKIP (Daze)
Did I do it? Did I win? I think I landed on my keys.

BOWDEN/GLORIA/MACKENZIE
Skip? Are you okay? Are you alright? etc

ANNOUNCER (LOUDSPEAKER)
And he’s down, after just one pass! Champion, thy game is over---

SFX: Jostling in the Announcer’s box

ANNOUNCER (LOUDSPEAKER)
Woah, hey buddy, you can’t be up here--

SFX: Audio feedback. Jeff's strumming can be heard over the loudspeaker.

BOWDEN
Oh, for the love of...

JEFF (LOUDSPEAKER)
(strumming and singing)
So forth comes the tale of Jeff the Handsome Bard:
A story of our heroes known well for their regard.
The EMF agents came with a mission well at hand
But ‘gainst the brain of The Chemist, it did not go as planned.
 
GLORIA
Why is Jeff singing about The Chemist?

JEFF (LOUDSPEAKER)
(Singing)
They searched and they sought, hunting down their prey
But come the end of the day, he’d gotten far away.

GLORIA
Does Jeff know The Chemist?

JEFF (LOUDSPEAKER)
(Singing)
In the face of failure, I hope our heroes see,
That you truly never had any chance against me.

GLORIA
Wait - is JEFF the Chemist?

JEFF (LOUDSPEAKER)
(singing)
La la la la la la!!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - LATER

SFX: Briefing room computers beeping

ZELDA
So Jeff, the man who accompanied you around all day was The Chemist. He evidently recognized Bowden, recognized Legrange and was toying with you the whole time. And now he remains at large.

SKIP
Yes, this mission got away from us a bit. But I’ll set a Google alert for all Renaissance Faire rampages. We’ll find him. We know who he is now!

ZELDA
...Until he undergoes facial reconstruction surgery to conceal his identity again, and we’re back to square one: with a volatile psycho-synthetic Dr. Moreau on the lam and no leads. I hate to say it, but Granger, you’ve blown this one.

SKIP
Assistant Section Chief, I’m sorry. We thought we were- I don’t know what else to say.

ZELDA
Then I’ll say this: I need your team to up its game. You and I are under scrutiny. Prescott has made it clear that, with Chet Phillips back, your team is still active because you have your uses. But if we aren’t getting results, I don’t know that I’ll be able to protect you. We can’t afford to mess up.

SKIP
You’re right. It won’t happen again.

ZELDA
I certainly hope not. And, Agent Granger, as a bit of friendly advice: you need to be more discerning on your missions. Someone you thought was an ally was your enemy. If you’re going to be a field agent, that won’t be the last time that happens.

SKIP
Yes, Assistant Section Chief. I understand.

ZELDA
Good. Let’s never speak of Renaissance Faires again.

SKIP
Oh no, I assure you, the appeal has worn off a bit.

SFX: KNOCK at the door.

ZELDA
Come in.

SFX: Mackenzie enters.

MACKENZIE
Hey Z. Ol’ Skipper.

ZELDA
Agent Granger, may we have the room? The EMF needs to run some tests on Ms. McGrath’s mental state after she destroyed thousands of dollars of private property with her bare hands.

MACKENZIE
What can I say? I’m metal.

SKIP
Of course, Assistant Section Chief. Long may your majesty reign.

ZELDA
Agent Granger...

SKIP
Right, no more! Sorry, I’m going.

SFX: Skip exits.

ZELDA
McGrath, how are we coming on our little assignment?

MACKENZIE
Oh, so you don’t actually care about my mental state?

ZELDA
I have a long list of priorities. You are somewhere on it. So. Anything?

MACKENZIE
Well, I looked at his files again, both the public ones and the private ones. Then I looked at the actually private ones. I ran a key log on his computer, I even scoured his Pinterest. But except for a surprisingly good paella recipe, there’s nothing.

ZELDA
What do you mean “nothing”?

MACKENZIE
No parking tickets, no embarrassing yearbook photos, he’s never even hung up on a telemarketer- he gets them to hang up. This guy is squeaky clean. So clean it makes me wanna hurl.

ZELDA
That’s... surprising.

MACKENZIE
Really? Because you keep having me check again and every time, there’s nothing. I know you don’t like that answer, but trust me, I know what I’m doing. I didn’t miss anything.

ZELDA
Very well, Ms. McGrath. You may go.

SFX: Mackenzie leaves. Zelda sits by herself, with only the familiar BEEPS of the
Briefing Room to keep her company.

ZELDA
Bullshit. No one’s got ‘nothing’.

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcreif, Paige Klaniecki as Glora Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond and the Secretary and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, Security Guy and The Admiral.

Guest starring Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, Jeff Barg as Jeff the Bard, Anthony Ur as Gork the Blacksmith, Heather Neifert as the Barkeep, Margaret Pivetz as Stormclaw, Caroline LaRochelle as the Crystal Merchant, Heidi Carter Heart as Fairah Fawcett and Kirsty Woolverton as Queen Elizabeth I

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry. Additional editing by John Dowgin.

Want to look your best and support our show at the same time? Visit the Mission Rejected merchandise store for shirts, hoodies, mugs, stickers and more at http://www.teepublic.com/stores/missionrejected

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

INT. OFFICE

SFX: General office sounds. A door opens.

MISS JONES
Mr. Mullin? Your 2:30 is here.

MR. MULLIN
Oh, okay, show him in. Who is it?

MISS JONEAS
He says he’s here to help.

SFX: Door opens. Skip enters.

SKIP
Hi, Mr. Mullin. You’re the day manager of the Ohio Renaissance Faire, yes?

MR. MULLIN
Uh. Yeah?

SKIP
Great. So, I recently attended your Faire, and I have some thoughts.

SFX: A heavy THUD of a book.

SKIP
While the vibe is nice, you’ve absolutely bungled the authenticity. So I thought we could go through together and work out some of the historical inaccuracies. Now, to start on page 1: the grass is all wrong-- Kentucky Bluegrass would never grow in Renaissance soil, the acidity would have been way too high. And don’t even get me started on your sorry excuse for a moat!

MUSIC: STINGER

JEFF
(Strumming and singing)
Jeff!