Season Two, Episode Nine: “AMERICAN SPYDOL”
TRANSCRIPT
EXT. VOLCANO BASE - NIGHT
SOUND: Ocean waves crashing on the shore.
CHET
Oh hey, darlin! You snuck up on me.
ATHENA
You know, darlin, I was just watching you standing there by the open window with your (sighs) muscular physique, staring confidently out into the distance, and thinking: you look like my dad just before the snipers tried to shoot him.
CHET
Don’t worry, they're never gonna find you here.
ATHENA
And that's what they said to my dad just before they threw him into a black site prison.
CHET
You got some real daddy issues, don't you? Is that gonna lead to problems once we're married?
ATHENA
Listen, buster, I turned down your marriage proposal.
CHET
You can always change your mind.
ATHENA
Close the window. Darlin.
CHET
I'm just taking care of some business.
SOUND: The WHIRRRR of a drone as it flies through the window. Chet reaches out and snags it.
ATHENA
Wh... I think the EMF knows where we are if they’re still sending you message drones!
CHET
Relax, I hacked their system with ghost coordinates months ago.
SOUND: Chet clicks play.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good evening, Agent Phillips. A small vial of weapons-grade plutonium was accidentally embedded into the lead-lined base of an award trophy for the international Band Wars festival held in Austin, Texas. Please activate this drone's secondary protocol for an aptitude test.
ATHENA
Aptitude test?
CHET
Don't worry, toots, I've never met a test I haven't aced.
ROBOTIC VOICE (ON TAPE)
Please sing four bars of "Happy Birthday".
CHET
All right.
(Clears throat, sings)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADAME PRESIDENT -
SOUND: The drone suddenly whirs, seizes up, and flies into the air.
CHET
Wait, where are you going?
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Thank you, Agent Philips. We'll be in touch.
CHET
Wait a minute! I didn't reject the mission!
ATHENA
I think the mission rejected you.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Don't call us, we'll call you.
CHET
I wasn’t even warmed up!
SOUND: The drone flies away.
CHET
Dammit!
ATHENA
Plutonium, huh? I momentarily forgot the benefits of playing house with a compromised secret agent: you get to hear all the mission tapes.
CHET
Well, the sex is good too, right?
ATHENA
Maybe I should look into Band Wars.
CHET
You want help? Oh! We could plan a counter-mission together! Like a premarital course!
ATHENA
No, sweetie...you hold down the fort, I'll take care of this.
SOUND: Athena opens the exit hatch. As she leaves, she warms up her voice with a scale.
CHET
Wait wait wait, I can do this! I just need to do a couple of scales! Mee mee mee -
SOUND: A blast from a tuba.
ADMIRAL
I'll make music with you, Mister Doe!
CHET
AAAH!
ADMIRAL
I've long wished to start a brass choir! I’ll play the tuba!
SOUND: The Admiral starts tootling on the tuba.
CHET
I...oh Jesus.
MUSIC: JAUNTY PIANO OVER THE CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents: the back-ups. Tonight’s episode: American Spydol.
INT. EMF BRIEFING ROOM
SOUND: The beeps and bloops of the briefing room computer. Bowden is playing a jaunty showtune on the piano.
BOWDEN (Singing)
SO THE INTERNET BROKE YOUR HEART
WITH ITS D AND D ALIGNMENT CHART
CAUSE IT SAID YOU WERE A ROSS
A MIRANDA
AND A XENA AND A XANDER
AND A KUNG FU PANDA 3
WELL, I TELL YOU NOT TO SWEAT THAT STUFF
IF YOU'RE GRYFFINDOR OR HUFFLEPUFF
BUT YOU'RE NO
MICKEY-MOUSE-PIKACHU-OSCAR-THE-GROUCH
SO WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
WELL DO YOU WANNA BE A QUEEN BEE?
OR DO YOU WANNA BE A
BIG BOLL WEEVIL WHO'S CHAOTIC EVIL?
OR AWFUL LAWFUL
LIKE A BELGIAN WAFFLE
OR A FISH THAT'S FLYING FREE?
DO YOU WANNA PLAY THE BIG LEAGUES?
OR DO YOU WANNA GO
FLIP-FLOP-FLOODLE
LIKE A BIG WET NOODLE?
I’D HELP YOU POODLE,
BUT THE CHOICE AIN'T UP TO ME!
SOUND: McGrath enters while Bowden keeps playing.
MACKENZIE
Skip! What is all this junk? Who bought Bowden a piano? Is the EMF having a going-out-of-business sale?
SKIP
Bowden’s performing a number from the musical "A Bus and Truck Tour"!
GLORIA
Come on, we’re briefing for the mission!
MACKENZIE
This isn’t a briefing, it’s an impromptu concert.
SOUND: Bowden does a fancy gloss on the piano
SKIP
Why can't it be both?
MACKENZIE
Wait...is this mission gonna have singing in it?
GLORIA
It sure is!
MACKENZIE
NOOOOOOOOO! NO!
BOWDEN
C'mon Gloria, sing with me!
BOWDEN AND GLORIA (Singing)
DO YOU WANNA BE THE BIG CHEESE?
OR DO YOU WANNA BE A DEEP DISH PIZZA
OR THE MONA LIZZA?
OR A CHEAP CASINO
ON THE ROAD TO RENO
OR A CLOUD IN THE BABY BLUE?
DO YOU WANNA BE A QUEEN BEE?
OR DO YOU WANNA GO FLIP-FLOP-FLOODLE LIKE A BIG WET NOODLE?
I’LL BE THERE POODLE,
BUT THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU!
BOWDEN
Thank you and tip your waitstaff!
SOUND: Laughter and applause; McGrath groans. Zelda enters. Bowden starts doing vocal scales in the background.
ZELDA
Agent Granger...are you using the conference room as your own personal storage unit?
SKIP
I'm sorry, Chief, I just...I'm having trouble finding a new apartment after that last mission.
ZELDA
Wait...you went undercover at a condominium, so you actually moved there?
SKIP
Well, on the bright side, I'm seeing this as an opportunity to jettison belongings that no longer spark joy!
GLORIA
Ooh, you could get into Hygga!
MACKENZIE
I'm gonna Hygga all this stuff right out the window. What's this?
SKIP
Oh no no nothing -
MACKENZIE
It says, "Skip's Top Secret..." is this a high school diary?
SKIP
That has all kinds of personal...you know...poetry -
MACKENZIE
Poetry?
SKIP
I'm not showing you what I wrote when I was a teenager.
MACKENZIE
Oh c’mon, pleeeeease?
SKIP
Nope.
MACKENZIE
You're gonna hide it down your shirt?
SKIP
Time to brief, team!
MACKENZIE
I'm gonna get that from you, you know.
SKIP
It'll never happen. Gloria!
GLORIA
Up and running, Skip!
SKIP
Now, Bowden needs as much practice time as he can get -
BOWDEN
Hey!
SKIP
- so this brief is going to be fast, fast, fast! Buckle up, team!
SOUND: Bowden starts riffing on "Beautiful Dreamer" in the background. Click of the slide projector.
SKIP
Last year, a shielded vial of weapons-grade plutonium went missing from a DoD black site.
SOUND: Click.
SKIP
Due to a series of mishaps shown on this slide, the vial was molded into a lead-lined award trophy.
MACKENZIE
Whoa whoa whoa! Can we take a moment to understand this slide?
SKIP
No!
SOUND: Click.
SKIP
The trophy will be awarded at the annual Band Wars festival at the Exxon-Mobil Good Carbon Entertainment Complex in Austin, Texas -
GLORIA
Wow! That show feeds entrants for all the global competitions!
BOWDEN
I can't count how many artists got their start there.
MACKENZIE
Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, we steal the trophy.
ZELDA
Unfortunately, Ms. McGrath, the music-industry funded security rivals that of Fort Knox.
MACKENZIE
It can't be that bad -
SOUND: Click.
SKIP
Here's the schematics of the security on the trophy.
MACKENZIE
Holy crap!
SKIP
So stealing it is out.
BOWDEN (Vocalizing)
Three little maids from school are we!
Filled to the brim with girlish glee...
MACKENZIE
Wait - are you telling me that BOWDEN is gonna try to win this singing competition and take the trophy?
SKIP
More or less!
SOUND: Click.
SKIP
We're going to replace a member of the up-and-coming four-member boy band GoatFace. I'll pose as a roadie and install a taser device in one of their microphones. We'll incapacitate one of the band members, and Bowden will step in.
BOWDEN
Got a face for me, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Why? You got quite a goat face yourself.
SKIP
McGrath!
MACKENZIE
On it.
SOUND: Mackenzie's SnapFace machine prints out a mask.
MACKENZIE
So the band plays one song, Bowden snags the trophy, and we're golden.
SKIP
Two songs. Bowden will need to qualify for the finals, and then win the whole kit-and-kaboodle!
GLORIA
But what if the band loses the competition?
SKIP
We have to guarantee that they don't. While the contestants are scouted by industry professionals, the actual competition is judged by online voters.
MACKENZIE
Are you telling me -
SKIP
Yes. McGrath, I know this will be nearly impossible, but can you -
MACKENZIE
Yes.
SKIP
- hack into the -
MACKENZIE (already typing)
Yes.
SKIP
McGrath this is a secured voting system, how can you -
MACKENZIE
Already done.
SKIP
Well that's disturbing.
GLORIA
Why would they care so much more about the security on their property than their voting system?
MACKENZIE
Welcome to America!
ZELDA
This had better work, Skip. Prescott threatened to use other agencies’ resources to take the trophy by force if necessary.
BOWDEN
He would just storm the festival with armed snipers?
GLORIA
There’d be riots, people could get hurt!
SKIP
This will work, Chief. We'll do whatever we must to get that trophy back safely and quietly.
MACKENZIE
Unless you try to make me sing.
SKIP
If the mission requires it, McGrath-
MACKENZIE
I'll make you a deal: I'll sing one song if you show me what's in your high school notebook.
SKIP
Right, we'll do whatever we must except make McGrath sing.
MACKENZIE
We're good here.
SKIP
Everything in harmony! No mistakes, team!
MUSIC: A MALE A CAPPELLA GROUP PERFORM THE THEME MUSIC.
INT. BAND WARS REHEARSAL ROOM
SOUND: Skip wraps cables in the band's rehearsal room.
LEAD SINGER
Hey, you ready, roadie?
SKIP (Disgusing his voice)
Just grabbing the last cable from the closet, sir! (Whispers to Bowden) OK, Bowden, mask on. Get ready to activate the taser.
BOWDEN
Ready, Skip.
LEAD SINGER
OK guys, let's take it from the top.
SKIP
All right, sir, let me just adjust this microphone...
MUSIC: The band starts up a rock tune with close harmony and heavy electric guitar.
GOATFACE (Singing)
YOU KNOW YOU SHOCK ME!
YOU KNOW YOU KNOCK ME OUT -
SOUND: BUZZ! An electric charge instantly drops the entire band. The closet door swings open.
BOWDEN
...whoops.
SKIP
WHAT HAPPENED? Why were they all knocked unconscious?!?
BOWDEN
Did you set the mixer inputs to "phantom power"?
SKIP
Phantom what?
BOWDEN
I think you sent the electric pulse back through the signal chain to all the microphones.
SKIP
Oh, gee! Now they'll be unconscious for hours and WE DIDN’T EVEN MAKE IT PAST ROUND ONE!
BOWDEN
They’re expecting a four-man group out there in less than an hour! What do we do?
SKIP
...desperate times...
SOUND: Skip slips his notebook out of his shirt.
BOWDEN
Is that your high school notebook? Have you been hiding it from McGrath down your shirt all week? Who are you calling?
SOUND: Skip dials on his cell phone.
SKIP (On the phone)
Section Chief Anders, Special Liaison Prescott, whoever receives this message first: I need agents. Whoever the closest two male contractors are, send them to our location, now! Granger out!
SOUND: He hangs up.
BOWDEN
What are you doing?
SKIP
Saving this mission. Now start harmonizing!
MUSIC: A CAPPELLA INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. BAND WARS ARENA
SOUND: McGrath surreptitiously sets up a hacking station.
GLORIA (AUDIO TAP)
Ms. McGrath, I'm in position by the refreshment stands. Are you set up?
MACKENZIE
Yeah, I'm down by the college radio indy music promotional giveaway. No one's here. I'll let you know when - hey! Watch it, buddy!
GILLIGAN
Uh...excuse me...I -
MACKENZIE
Gilligan? What the hell are you doing here?
GILLIGAN
Oh, hi Ms. McGrath, I, uh -
MACKENZIE
Last I heard, you were out of accounting and into rehab.
GILLIGAN
Oh, yes! Sober for six months now! In fact, I'm, uh, off to a meeting -
MACKENZIE
At a singing competition?
GILLIGAN
Yes, uh, pop musicians make great role models for sobriety -
MACKENZIE
No no no, you are a terrible liar -
GILLIGAN
Gotta go bye!
MACKENZIE
Wh...dammit.
SOUND: Mackenzie calls Gloria on the comms.
MACKENZIE
Gloria! Come in! The worst person imaginable just showed up at this shindig!
SOUND: Transition noise. We hear Gloria struggling to hold someone. It's Fitz.
FITZ
- if you could OW just um OW let me explain -
GLORIA
Why are you here, Agent Fitzpatrick-Muddleby-Guam?
FITZ
It's Fitzpivetz-Llellywellyn-Montague-Gwynne -
GLORIA
Talk, you little weasel, before I snap your arm in half!
FITZ
Agent Granger called Chief Prescott for backup!
GLORIA
WHAT? Why?
FITZ
If you let me go I'll explain!
GLORIA
Ugh, fine. Talk.
SOUND: She lets go.
FITZ
OK, it's like this -
SOUND: He runs away.
GLORIA
What - come back here you -
MACKENZIE (running up)
Gloria!
GLORIA
UGGGGH!
MACKENZIE
Why aren't you answering the comms?
GLORIA
I just caught Robert Fitzpinitz-Lobbadooba -
MACKENZIE
Robert Fitzpivitz-Llellywellyn-Montague-Gwynne?
GLORIA
YES. But he got away. He said Skip sent for him, but that's crazy!
MACKENZIE
Well I just saw Stuart Gilligan sneaking in, and he looked pretty suspicious.
GLORIA
What is going on?
MACKENZIE (into radio)
Skip? Is something happening that you want to tell us about?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
There's been a change of plans.
MACKENZIE
Does it involve Stuart Gilligan or Prescott's backstabbing toadie?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Oh good! They're here.
MACKENZIE
WHY?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
We needed four men.
MACKENZIE
For...what...oh no. What are you doing, Skip?
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Just get ready to spike the vote tallies.
MACKENZIE
Skip, even if I hack the vote, everyone's gonna smell a rat when Gilligan and Fitz go down in flames and then win anyway.
SKIP (AUDIO TAP)
Don't worry about them, they're just gonna sing the harmonies.
MACKENZIE
HARM - then who's singing the lead?
ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
Give it up for our next band...
MACKENZIE
Oh no.
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath! Why is Agent Granger on stage with a microphone?
MACKENZIE
You might want to cover your ears.
INT. BAND WARS STAGE
SKIP
Ok, boys. Let's give it a whirl.
SOUND: Skip, Bowden, Fitz, and Gilligan burst into song...and it's amazing. Skip takes lead and the other sing backup.
SKIP (Singing)
SOMETIMES I CAN'T WALK OUT MY DOOR AND FACE THE DAY
I CAN'T CRACK THE CODE OF WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY
AND THESE FEELINGS I FEEL, ARE THEY REALLY REAL, OR JUST SOME ROLE I HAVE TO PLAY?
LIVING A COVER STORY
LIKE I'M IN ENEMY TERRITORY
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A SPY
AND THAT I'LL NEVER KNOW WHY
THEY ASSIGNED ME THIS MISSION
AND ANYWHERE THAT I RUN
I'M IN THE SIGHTS OF A GUN
LIKE I'M UNDER SUSPICION
JUST WANNA SAY WHAT I FEEL
BUT THEN THEY'LL SWOOP IN AND STEAL
AND REVEAL MY POSITION
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A SPY
SOUND: The crowd GOES CRAZY.
INT. BAND WARS ARENA
SOUND: The song lyrics above repeat under the following.
MACKENZIE
Whhhh...aaaaaat?
GLORIA
They're pretty good.
MACKENZIE
They're freaking gods up there.
GLORIA
Ms. McGrath! The votes!
MACKENZIE
Oh, right! Um...nope. They're winning. On their own. They're crushing on their own.
GLORIA
We better get backstage and check on Skip and the gang.
MACKENZIE
Yeah...okay...sure.
INT. BACKSTAGE
SOUND: The song ends, the crowd goes nuts. Skip and the band are swarmed by fans in the backstage area. McGrath joins them.
MACKENZIE
Skip! Guys! You made the finals! That was amazing!
BOWDEN
Thank you McGrath! I’ve got to hand it to Skip, that song’s a hit!
SKIP (Pushing through the crowd)
I wrote it in high school I just pulled it out of my notebook - oh, wow those are tattoos of my face on your eyelids, I’m flattered... McGrath, what's happening?
MACKENZIE
I think you're a rock star.
SKIP
How?
BOWDEN
I think we lost Gilligan.
SKIP
OK team, let’s get back to the band trailer and regroup.
MACKENZIE
We gotta...umph!...get through this crowd!
DJ DJ TANNER
Yo man, you Skip Granger? You repped?
MACKENZIE
Repped?
BOWDEN
YES. Yes! Yes I rep him.
MACKENZIE (sotto voce)
Bowden what are you doing?
BOWDEN (same)
I’m helping Skip navigate a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!
SKIP
Well thanks Bowden, I -
MACKENZIE
Bowden, showbiz is what you want. Is it what Skip wants?
SKIP
I - I -
BOWDEN
Good point. Skip, have you ever given thought to becoming a musical sensation?
SKIP
Well - not a sensation...
BOWDEN
Perfect my managerial cut will be only five percent, you're a friend.
FITZ
Bowden will you rep me too?
BOWDEN
Sure. Sixty percent.
FITZ
SIXTY?
BOWDEN
That's my enemies-for-life rate.
MACKENZIE
Bowden we're in the middle of securing weapons-grade plutonium you can't ask Skip to switch careers!
SKIP
OK, TEAM, KNOCK IT OFF! (Beat) McGrath, it's fine. Bowden, negotiate.
MACKENZIE
What?
BOWDEN (to DJ)
Sir, I represent Skipping Records.
DJ DJ TANNER
Cool cool. I'm DJ DJ Tanner.
FITZ
DID YOU SAY DJ DJ - excuse me.
(low, to the others)
Guys! This man is an underground legend!
BOWDEN
Really? I've never heard of him.
FITZ
He’s an industry secret. He's launched hundreds of careers from behind the scenes! Get in with him and you'll go platinum!
MACKENZIE
Skip! Less platinum, more plutonium!
SKIP
I know McGrath we're still on the plutonium but...it can't hurt to talk, right?
MACKENZIE
But -
SKIP (a little pleading)
Right?
MACKENZIE
...yeah, OK, if it’s what you want.
SKIP
OK get the voting hack ready for the finals. So, Mister Tanner...
SOUND: Skip, Fitz, and Bowden leave with DJ DJ Tanner.
MACKENZIE
...whoof. Let's just hope success in the music industry doesn't go to anyone else's head.
SOUND: Crowd noises swell as we move to another area.
INT. ELSEWHERE BACKSTAGE
GIGGLING FAN 1
Hey handsome! You were on fire up there!
GILLIGAN
Huh? Oh, thank you! Excuse me, I think I lost my friends -
GIGGLING FAN 1
You're pretty cute, too.
GILLIGAN
Um.
GIGGLING FAN 2 (playful)
Oooh, hands off, sister, he's mine!
GILLIGAN
Oh hi -
GIGGLING FAN 2
Wanna come backstage and have some fun with us? We know someplace...private.
GILLIGAN
Uh I should find my band mates it's important that we rehearse -
GIGGLING FAN 1
Wouldn't you like to...party?
SOUND: The click of a small container. Gilligan sucks in a breath.
GILLIGAN
Oh. Oh my. That's, um -
GIGGLING FAN 1
Just a little nose candy they call Colombian Cuckoo's Nest.
GILLIGAN
Um. (sniff) Maybe...I...could... join you for just a minute.
GIGGLING FAN 2
Come on, hot stuff!
GILLIGAN
OK! I'm coming! Right through here?
SOUND: They move through doors, away from the crowds
GILLIGAN
In this...dimly lit access hallway? Um...is this the, private place you we're talking about? UGGGH!
SOUND: The ZAP of a taser! Gilligan drops.
ATHENA
It's private enough, shortie.
MUSIC: A JAZZY PIANO VAMP
INT. BAND WARS REHEARSAL ROOM
SOUND: Skip, Bowden and Fitz work on a little tune in the practice room. Skip plays the piano.
SKIP
OK, let's try it.
SKIP, BOWDEN, AND FITZ (Singing in close harmony)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU!
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU!
WHILE YOU WERE PLAYING
YOUR GAMES AND YOUR BASS GUITAR
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
BOWDEN
And that's where the bridge comes in?
SKIP
Yup.
FITZ
Got it.
MACKENZIE
Uhh...Skip? I thought we were all gonna regroup and figure out how to keep this mission on track.
SOUND: Skip vamps on the piano.
SKIP
We are! The highest probability of success lies in our winning the finals, and snagging that trophy. And that means practice.
MACKENZIE
...sure, okay, but -
SOUND: The door opens, and in hurries Gloria.
GLORIA
I've looked everywhere! The country pavilion, the metal pavilion, the polka pavilion, the metal/polka pavilion - I can't find Stuart!
SKIP
Darn it, Gilligan! Where are you? There's a Neapolitan sixth chord here that simply cannot be done with three people!
GLORIA
Why would he have wandered off in the first place?
SOUND: Knock knock knock.
ORGANIZER (OFF)
Hello? I’m one of the organizers?
BOWDEN
McGrath, the vote hacker! Shut your laptop!
SOUND: Skip opens the door just as McGrath closes her laptop.
SKIP
Yeeees?
ORGANIZER
Just checking to see if there's anything our finalists need!
SKIP
Um, actually? If you see Stuart Gilligan, our fourth member -
ORGANIZER
I'll let you know! And if you need anything - anything - water -
SKIP
Sure!
ORGANIZER
- liquor -
SKIP
Sure...
ORGANIZER
- cocaine -
SKIP
ShhWHAT?
ORGANIZER
Wink wink!
MACKENZIE
Do you offer cocaine to the musicians?
ORGANIZER
You didn't hear it from me!
SOUND: Skip slams the door in her face.
MACKENZIE
Well, now we have a theory about what happened to Gilligan.
SKIP
He couldn't! Could he?
MACKENZIE
Wanna bet a platinum record on it?
SKIP
Darn it! We have one shot to get that plutonium by performing this song and who's going to sing this Neapolitan sixth chord?
MACKENZIE
Not me.
SKIP
STUART I SWEAR TO GOSH IF WE LOSE OUR CHANCE WITH DJ DJ TANNER -
MACKENZIE
Are you kidding me?
FITZ
Well...technically, he wanted to hook you up with a record contract -
BOWDEN
Hey, Skip won’t bail out on his band mates, will you Skip?
MACKENZIE
Bowden? Can I talk to you for a minute?
BOWDEN
Ow! Let go of my ear!
SOUND: Mackenzie drags him over to a private meeting in the corner while Skip concentrates on rehearsing with Fitz.
MACKENZIE
What are you doing? You've got him ready to quit the EMF and basically join the circus!
BOWDEN
I'M not doing anything! He asked ME to pursue this.
MACKENZIE (to Gloria)
Will YOU talk sense into him?
GLORIA
I don't know, I think people should follow their dreams. When I was younger I wanted to be Serena Williams.
MACKENZIE
Oh great. How'd that work out for you?
GLORIA
Other than the restraining orders, I feel like it was a worthwhile learning process.
BOWDEN
C'mon, you see how excited he is! He’s just been so down lately, throw him a bone!
MACKENZIE
I don’t know about this...
GLORIA
Look, I have to go find Stuart.
BOWDEN
I’ll go with you. I have a knack for street lingo; we'll find out the best places to score some "Malaysian Pixie Dust".
MACKENZIE
Yeah, that worked out great at the Ren Faire. Skip! Bowden and Gloria are gonna find Gilligan.
SKIP
Good. I'll stay here and fix these passing tones. And Mister Fitzpivetz...Llellywellyn...
FITZ
You can call me by my new celebrity name, Skip: Robbie Fullmag!
SKIP
That is both distressing and so much more convenient. Robbie Fullmag, I need you to go find DJ DJ Tanner.
MACKENZIE
Wait...why?
SKIP
I've decided...to take him up on his offer to sign with a record company.
MACKENZIE
WHAT?
FITZ
That's so awesome!
GLORIA
But Skip! The plutonium -
SKIP
The song, the contract, all of it will give us perfect cover to nab the award.
FITZ
But...we're really taking the contract for real, right, Skip? Because I have got to get out of the EMF!
SKIP
Me too, Robbie Fullmag. This will be my last mission.
(Silence.)
GLORIA
Well, uh...let's go find Stuart.
BOWDEN
Alright.
FITZ
I'm gonna go find DJ DJ Tanner and change our lives!
SOUND: Everyone goes except Skip and McGrath.
SKIP
I'm sorry I dropped that on you McGrath, I wanted to talk to you about it first but I just -
MACKENZIE
Not a problem, Skip, it's your life. I'll get out of your way.
SKIP
Thanks.
SOUND: Skip continues rehearsing. In the corner, Mackenzie makes a surreptitious call.
MACKENZIE (On phone)
Zelda? We got a problem. And...it's Skip.
SKIP (Sings)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU...
MUSIC: A SEXY JAZZY PIANO AND DRUM RIFF
INT. BACKSTAGE
SOUND: Athena scats along with the riff.
ANNOUNCER (Over PA)
And coming up next, please welcome Ginger Goodrich and the Goods!
GLORIA
Bo wait. Do you really think Skip is going to leave the EMF?
BOWDEN
I dunno, Gloria...look, everyone has to find their own way, right?
GLORIA
I guess.
BOWDEN
Speaking of finding our way, where are we? The only signs around here say “Beware of mine shaft”.
GLORIA
I guess that what Exxon gets for building a stadium over repurposed oil fields...oh!
BOWDEN
What?
GLORIA
Onstage! Look at Ginger Goodrich!
BOWDEN
Oh my god it’s Athena O’Brien!
ATHENA (Singing)
STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE
I WROTE A SONG ABOUT A LOVER THAT I STUCK IN A DRAWER
SO IMAGINE MY SURPRISE
MY ANGER SO DEEP YOU COULD DROWN
WHEN I HEAR YOU SING IT
IN SOME HIPSTER JOINT DOWNTOWN
GLORIA
I have a sinking feeling I know what happened to Stuart.
BOWDEN
Quick! Let’s sneak back to her rehearsal space and see if we can find Gilligan.
ATHENA (Singing)
LAST NIGHT YOU TOOK ME DANCIN'
THEN HOME FROM THE BAR
AND THEN I LEFT YOU BLEEDING
IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR
WONDERING HOW YOUR ANGEL COULD HAVE DONE YOU WRONG
WELL LEMME TELL YOU POOR BABY
I STOLE YOUR HEART
JUST LIKE YOU STOLE MY SONG
ORGANIZER
Sir! This is a private area -
BOWDEN
Hi! I’m with Skip Granger? You said we could get a little, you know, sniff sniff, winkety wink?
ORGANIZER
Oh yes! (confidentially) You know, Ginger Goodrich always brings the best stuff with her.
GLORIA
Really? We have a friend who we’re afraid might have...um, acquired some product from her?
ORGANIZER
I’m sure we can check to see if your friend’s around. Right this way!
SOUND: They hustle off while Athena continues to sing.
ATHENA (Singing)
THINK OF ME TAKING YOU FOR A RIDE,
YOU SAY IT BEGGARS BELIEF
WELL I HATE TO TELL YOU SWEETIE
BUT YOU FELL FOR A MASTER THIEF
THIS AIN’T NO CREATIVE COMMONS ZERO BABY!
SOUND: The three sneak into the backstage area. They see Gilligan, tied up.
GLORIA
Stuart! Bo, he’s tied up!
ORGANIZER
My word!
BOWDEN
I’ll get this gag off him! It’s OK, Stuart, hang on-
SOUND: Bowden pulls the gag off.
GILLIGAN
Gloria, behind you!
SOUND: BZZT! Gloria and Bowden are tazed! The Organizer rips off her face mask. It's Lucky!
ORGANIZER/LUCKY
I told you you’d find your friend down here -- and now you can all be together!
ATHENA (Singing)
SO YOU BETTER THINK TWICE
THE NEXT TIME
YOU TRY TO STEAL MY SONG!
SFX: A CAPPELLA INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. BAND WARS ARENA
SOUND: Fitz and DJ DJ Tanner stand in the crowd, trying to lose a local hanger-on.
AUSTIN NATIVE
...you take a listen to our demo, you're gonna love it. We play both kindsa music: country, and Islamic death metal!
DJ DJ TANNER
Cool cool cool.
FITZ
Look, man, I was trying to have a conversation with DJ DJ Tanner, can you give us a second?
ZELDA
Mind if I hand you my demo tape?
FITZ
For crying out loud I'm OH MY GOD SECTION CHIEF ANDERS.
ZELDA
I don't know who you're talking about, "Robbie Fullmag". I'm the front woman for the new hit band "Martha's Vinyard".
DJ DJ TANNER
Well, excuse me, Martha, I'm doing business with my friend, here.
ZELDA
Oh, I afraid we have business to conduct as well.
SOUND: Karate chop! Zelda sends DJ DJ Tanner flying!
FITZ
Oh no! DJ DJ Tanner!
SOUND: DJ DJ Tanner catches her with a brutal chop of his own! Soon Zelda turns the tables, and gets him on the ground!
ZELDA
Let's talk, DJ. Or should I say...
SOUND: She rips off his mask
ZELDA
J.J.!
PRESCOTT
OK, you got me, Zelda, get off.
ZELDA
Prescott, we are conducting an operation to secure a radioactive substance and you are conducting counter-ops to STEAL MY AGENTS.
PRESCOTT
We are also working to secure -
ZELDA
Your plan is to turn this festival into a bloodbath.
PRESCOTT
"Bloodbath" is an exaggeration. It'd be a blood shower, at most.
ZELDA
You have been trying to break up my team to regain leverage at the EMF.
PRESCOTT
Look Zelda, we all want the same thing: the plutonium secured, and Skip Granger gone.
ZELDA
WE DON'T ALL WANT THAT.
SECURITY GUY
Security! What's going on here?
FITZ (WHISPERING)
Ummm....Sir? Ma’am? We can’t blow our covers or ALL our ops are toast!
PRESCOTT
- uhhh this crazy lady attacked me because I wouldn't listen to her demo!
ZELDA
He’s a fraud! He’s...posing as a music industry DJ to get into the festival for free!
SECURITY GUY
These are serious allegations. I see only one way to settle this.
AUSTIN NATIVE
Yeah! Sing-off!
PRESCOTT
...uhhh -
SECURITY GUY
You both claim to be musicians. Let’s have a little jam session. Or you can both be escorted out.
PRESCOTT
OK. Go ahead, Martha. Kick it off.
ZELDA (fuming)
Robbie Fullmag? Lay down a beat on that synth of yours.
FITZ
Uh...what kind of beat, ma'am?
ZELDA
Angry.
SOUND: Fitz starts playing on his synth.
ZELDA (Singing)
I’M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE
AND I’M DEADLY SERIOUS
SO LISTEN UP
YOU LYING LITTLE LOSER
I’VE GOT JUST SO MUCH MENTAL SPACE
TILL I GROW WEARY
JUST TO WASTE IT ON
SOME SERIAL ABUSER
FITZ
Oh, she got you, sir!
PRESCOTT (Singing)
NOW C’MON HUN, YOU KNOW YOU WON
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
YOU PLAYED THE GAME
AND NOW YOU WANNA CHANGE IT
WE’RE ONLY FOOLING
WE’RE NOT DUELING TO THE DEATH
BUT IF YOU WANNA GO
I’M SURE I CAN ARRANGE IT
ZELDA (Singing)
AND WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE TIMES YOU TOLD A LIE
COMMITTED CRIMES WHILE I STOOD BY
YOU THINK THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO
HANG MY HEAD AND LIVE WITH IT?
PRESCOTT (Singing)
YOU BACK THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSE TO YOU
THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO
YOU SHUT THAT DOOR AND SO
YES YOU’VE GOT TO LIVE WITH IT
ZELDA AND PRESCOTT (Singing)
I GUESS YOU’VE GOT TO LIVE WITH IT
FOR NOW
AUSTIN NATIVE
Yee-haw!
ZELDA (Singing)
I KNOW I’M SLOW TO TRUST
BUT MAN, YOU MAKE ME WONDER
WERE WE EVER ON THE SAME SIDE
TO BEGIN WITH?
PRESCOTT (Singing)
THERE IS NO “US” BENEATH THIS BUS
YOU THREW ME UNDER
SO HERE’S A BOW TO PLAY
YOUR TINY VIOLIN WITH
ZELDA AND PRESCOTT (Singing)
SOMETIMES I DREAM ABOUT MY HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK
I LOST MY CHANCE, BUT WHAT THE HECK
I GOT MY ANSWER AND NOW I JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT
SO WIPE THAT LITTLE SMILE OFF YOUR SNOUT
REMEMBER I COULD TAKE YOU OUT
THAT’S NOT AN IDLE THREAT SO
GO AHEAD AND LIVE WITH IT FOR NOW
LIVE WITH IT FOR NOW
LIVE WITH IT FOR NOW
LIVE WITH IT FOR NOW
SOUND: Zelda rips Prescott's sleeve.
AUSTIN NATIVE
Oh God, wardrobe malfunction! Woo hoo!
ZELDA (low)
Wear a less revealing outfit next time, JJ.
SECURITY GUY
What the...a special forces tattoo?
PRESCOTT
Oh! Uh...
ZELDA
He's a cop!
SECURITY GUY
Ugh. If it gets out that I let the police into the festival, I’ll never be able to face Tom Morello again! C’mon you!
PRESCOTT
Wait, hold on - aggh!
SOUND: Security Guy starts to drag him away.
PRESCOTT
Robbie Fullmag! You come with me!
ZELDA
Stay right there, Fitz!
FITZ
Uh, sorry, Chief Anders, I gotta follow orders -
PRESCOTT
Let's see how Skip gets along without his backup singer, "Martha"! See you on stage in an hour!
ZELDA
You son of a bitch!
PRESCOTT
Fullmag!
FITZ
Coming, sir! I mean DJ DJ Tanner!
SECURITY GUY
C’mon, fuzz!
ZELDA
Dammit!
SOUND: Prescott gets dragged off with Fitz following. Zelda makes a call.
ZELDA
McGrath. Now we've got major problems.
MUSIC: A CAPPELLA INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. BAND WARS REHEARSAL ROOM
SOUND: McGrath takes a call. In the background, Skip practices “She Got the Drop on You” on the piano, but he’s having trouble with it.
MACKENZIE
Prescott? You’re kidding me! No, Zelda, I don’t know where anyone is! They all disappeared! Just stall Prescott and I’ll figure something out.
SOUND: She hangs up
MACKENZIE
Hey, Beethoven! We got problems.
SKIP
I know! There’s no way to arrange this line without parallel fifths -
MACKENZIE
I’m sorry to interrupt your music theory homework, but all our friends have vanished.
SKIP
What?
MACKENZIE
Stuart’s still missing, Gloria and Bowden aren’t answering the comms, and Fitz just got thrown out of the festival!
SKIP
Oh crud! How am I ever going to make this bridge work now?
SOUND: In a rage, McGrath throws all the music everywhere.
SKIP
MCGRATH! What are you doing?
MACKENZIE
You need to wake up, Agent Granger! There’s a vial of plutonium in play, this whole mission has gone sideways, Prescott is gonna bring in the Marines, and you’re screwing around on the piano!
SKIP
The way to solve all of this is to win this competition! By myself, if I must! I am singing this song, winning this contest and retrieving that award for the EMF.
MACKENZIE
Fine. Great.
SKIP
And then I’m out.
MACKENZIE
Oh for crying out loud!
SKIP
DJ DJ Tanner introduced me to many -
MACKENZIE
THERE IS NO DJ DJ TANNER. It was Prescott in disguise! It was a plot to get you out of the EMF!
SKIP
...I know.
MACKENZIE
You KNOW?
SKIP
His hair was dyed in spectral order from soothing to alarming, just like I would have done it, I...I suspected.
MACKENZIE
Then...what are you doing, Skip?
SKIP
Look, none of the record producers know Prescott’s a fraud, right? And he’s got them all fighting over me. It doesn’t matter that he used EMF resources, or meant it as a setup, I can actually use it to start a new career.
MACKENZIE
You’re gonna use this fake opportunity to really leave?
SKIP
C’mon, of all people, you should be thrilled! You hate the EMF, why doesn’t this make you happy?
MACKENZIE
Cause I’m worried about you! You get stage fright when we go undercover, you’re gonna go on stage every night of your life?
SKIP
Because this isn’t pretending! This is me! Look, there are real producers really interested in my real music.
MACKENZIE
But -
SKIP
I have three million TikTok followers! There is no metric of success more real than that!
MACKENZIE
Wh -
SKIP
The EMF is based on lies! The music industry is built on integrity and honesty -
MACKENZIE
Skip!
SKIP
- and I’M TIRED, McGrath, OK? I'm tired of making boneheaded mistakes and endangering my friends, I’m tired of falling for conmen like Prescott and Chet Phillips, I don't even have a place to live, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
MACKENZIE
I didn't want to do this in the first place. I didn't have a choice. But I saw I could work for the deep state and still help people and stay a decent person.
SKIP
Who sold you that nonsense?
MACKENZIE
You. (Beat) Skip if I really thought becoming a rock star would make you happy, I'd shake your hand and kick your ass out the door. But I think you're doing this because the thing you love, the thing you're meant to do, got hard. And people you looked up to let you down. And that sucks. But you're better than they are. Don't go.
SKIP
You’re going to be free once your record gets expunged, anyway. Why do you care?
MACKENZIE
You made me want to stay. I’m gonna stay.
SKIP
I’m sorry McGrath, I’m...not.
SOUND: He runs out.
MACKENZIE
Skip!
INT. BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
SKIP
Right. Pull it together, just sing the song by yourself. No Neapolitan sixth to worry about.
(sings)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
ATHENA (Singing, Somewhere Off)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
SKIP (Singing)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
ATHENA (Singing)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
SKIP
Ooh, that’s good, that’s...hey, whoever you are can you sing that again?
ATHENA
Sure, come down here.
SKIP
Coming! Um, it goes...
ATHENA (Singing)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
SKIP AND ATHENA (Singing)
SHE GOT THE DROP ON YOU
SKIP
Oh, that’s it, that’s the chord, thank you!
SKIP AND ATHENA (Singing)
YOU WERE STUCK IN YOUR HEAD
YOU TURNED AROUND AND SHE SAID -
ATHENA
Hi Skip!
SKIP
Ugh, Athena O’Brien. If there had only been some kind of warning.
ATHENA
C’mon, you can join Bowden and Gloria and that little coke addict.
SOUND: Skip fights Athena!
SKIP
You’ll never take me Athena! Hah! Hey now! I’m a rock star! What else you got? Why are you backing away?...oh I’m standing on a stage trap, aren’t I?
ATHENA
Sure are.
SOUND: Athena PULLS A LEVER AND DROPS THE FLOOR! SKIP FALLS!
ATHENA (Singing)
I GOT THE DROP! ON! YOUUUU!
MUSIC: A CAPPELLA INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. ATHENA'S REHEARSAL ROOM
SOUND: Athena steps into her rehearsal space. Synthesized chords wash over the room.
ATHENA
Well, folks, your buddy Skip is at the bottom of a mine shaft.
GILLIGAN
Oh no!
GLORIA
Skip!
BOWDEN
Who built this entertainment complex over so many mine shafts?
ATHENA
Are my favorite prisoners all fitted up with their costumes, Lucky?
LUCKY
Just about, ma’am, we’re fitting the sleeves on Miss Kovac, here.
GILLIGAN
Miss O’Brien? Why are you dressing us up in full body suits and giving us musical instruments?
BOWDEN
I can’t move in this thing!
ATHENA
These little beauties are remote-controlled gyrator suits. I control your every movement. Watch.
SOUND: She pushes a button, and the suit forces Bowden to dance. Athena hums.
BOWDEN
Ok ok ok please! Not the chicken dance!
ATHENA
I’m putting you all in my final number, so that you can have stage-side seats to my total victory!
GLORIA
You monster! I can’t play keyboard!
ATHENA
Don’t worry, toots, we’ll control your arms once we get those sleeve units on you. Hurry up, Lucky!
LUCKY
On it, ma’am!
GLORIA (aside)
Bowden, Gilligan, distract her!
SOUND: While Bowden and Gilligan yell, Gloria starts fiddling with her synthesizer.
BOWDEN
Uhhh no Gilligan you mustn’t take drugs from supervillains!
GILLIGAN
Huh? Oh -
ATHENA
Don’t be a buzzkill, Montcrief. You want some power powder little man? Here you go! I’ll hold it right under your nose!
GILLIGAN
Oh okay, um sure! maybe, yes, no, I can’t, well-
ATHENA
- wait. Is that feedback?
SOUND: A high-pitched WHINE sounds through the amplifiers.
ATHENA
What’s making that noise?
LUCKY
Miss O’Brien! Kovac’s reprogramming the synth!
ATHENA
WHAT?
GILLIGAN
I am who I choose to be! Begone, temptress!
SOUND: He blows the cocaine away!
ATHENA
GAAAH FRICKING COCAINE ALL OVER ME.
BOWDEN
Good life choice, Gilligan!
ATHENA
Pull the plug!
SOUND: The sound stops.
ATHENA
What did you do, Kovac?
GLORIA
I created a resonant tone with your high-powered synthesizer, which just shattered the glass vial of plutonium inside the trophy!
BOWDEN
Gloria! How did you know how to -
GLORIA
I studied that slide Skip wouldn’t give us time to read. It took me all week, but: worth it!
ATHENA
It doesn’t matter, it’s still encased in lead!
GLORIA
Which will prevent the radiation from leaking out at dangerous levels - but now, if you take that trophy, it’ll leave a slight trail of X-rays that will lead us right to you wherever you run.
BOWDEN
Brilliant!
GLORIA
So you might as well pack up your band, Athena, and go home.
ATHENA
Lucky? Suit up her arms. And then clear our people out. I’m gonna do the song with these cockroaches in their robot suits.
LUCKY
Uh...yes ma’am.
GLORIA
Wait...you understood what I said, right? You can’t steal the plutonium - hey!
SOUND: Athena starts reprogramming the synth with Gloria’s sound.
ATHENA
This is a beautiful little sound you built, Gloria. But I’m gonna change it just a little -
SOUND: The sound grows darker, harsher.
GILLIGAN
Uhhh easy with that! My ears!
ATHENA
- and now instead of shattering the glass, it’ll shatter the lead.
GLORIA
What?
GILLIGAN
But the trophy will explode and cover everyone in the stadium with plutonium!
BOWDEN
Including YOU!
ATHENA
Oh, I came prepared. My costume is space-age, hermetically sealed, radiation-proof and comes with its own jetpack. Yours, not so much.
GLORIA
You’ll poison everyone in the audience!
ATHENA
Sure will. And you’ll have front-row seats.
GLORIA
You’d never go that far. You’re not that kind of - OW!
ATHENA
YOU MADE ME GO THIS FAR. Get them suited up! We gotta get ready for the final number.
MUSIC: A CAPPELLA INTERIM MUSIC.
INT. MINE SHAFT
SKIP
Can anyone hear me? I’m at the bottom of a mine shaft! It was full of water so I survived but...I’m all wet now. And gross. And my underwear’s all clingy. Oh god. I messed this all up! Athena O’Brien’s going to steal the plutonium and I lost all my friends!
MACKENZIE
Eh. Not all of them.
SKIP
McGrath? McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Grab the rope, Skip!
SOUND: Skip pulls himself up.
SKIP
McGrath thank you I’m so sorry I ruined everything -
MACKENZIE
Skip! Nothing’s ruined. But we got a problem. My sensors picked up some weird feedback loops playing backstage, and when I analyzed them - I think Athena’s trying to blow up the trophy with a sound wave.
SKIP
What? Like a dirty bomb? She wouldn’t!
MACKENZIE
Uh, she’s an insane supervillain, I think she would.
SKIP
No, remember you said Kristatos O’Brien told you that government agents killed Athena’s mother in a botched operation?
MACKENZIE
Yeah, he also thinks his daughter’s still his innocent little girl.
SKIP
Everyone she’s ever attacked or killed has been either a criminal, or connected to the government. Infecting a crowd of bystanders with radiation sickness...I don’t think she’d go through with it.
MACKENZIE
Well, only if you believe that her dad knows what he’s talking about.
SKIP
Okay. I’ve got an idea.
MACKENZIE
I knew you would.
SKIP
You hacked into the EMF servers to dig up dirt on Prescott, right? I need you to break in again.
MACKENZIE
Okay...
SKIP
Set up a feed between the detention area and my phone. In fact, broadcast it to the stage monitors.
MACKENZIE
You want to broadcast the off-grid detention area, where they keep all the supervillains in super-max under super-security?
SKIP
Can you do it?
MACKENZIE
I’ll need help.
SOUND: Mackenzie gets on the comms
MACKENZIE
Zelda?
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
I’m here.
MACKENZIE
Skip’s gonna need a serious breach of protocol if we’re gonna save a lot of people.
ZELDA (AUDIO TAP)
And what, precisely, is Skip doing?
SKIP
Ruining Athena’s song.
INT. BAND WARS STAGE
MUSIC: Athena's song starts to play on stage.
ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
All right, folks, give it up for GINGER GOODRICH AND THE GOODS!
SOUND: Cheers from the crowd
ATHENA (Sings)
THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE A LAST SONG
MIGHT BE A BALLAD OR FAST SONG
AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING
YOU CAN’T KNOW WHAT IT WILL BE
THIS WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE
TO GET IN ONE LAST DANCE
BUT FROM THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU REJECTED
THE EMOTIONS YOU THOUGHT YOU PERFECTED
THE LAST PERSON YOU EVER EXPECTED -
Sound: Skip jumps on stage and grabs the mic
SKIP (Singing)
WAS ME!
BOWDEN
Skip!
ATHENA
What are you doing, Granger?
SKIP
Well, Ginger, I see you’re using the rest of my band, and I come as part of the package!
ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
Well this is unprecedented, folks! It looks like a sing-off!
SKIP (Singing)
THIS IS GONNA BE THE LAST TIME
YOU TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE A PASTIME
LIKE I’M THE LAST THING ON YOUR VAST MIND
SOME HALF-ASSED KIND OF PASSIVE DEBRIS
ATHENA (Singing)
You really wanna do this?
SKIP
Oh yeah!
ATHENA (Singing)
THIS IS GONNA BE THE LAST NIGHT
YOU PUT ONE PAST ME WITH YOUR GASLIGHT
SKIP (Singing)
SO MAYBE IT WAS NEVER FANTASTIC
ATHENA (Singing)
BUT BABY IT WAS GOOD WHILE IT LASTED
SKIP AND ATHENA (Singing)
NOW THE LAST THING YOU’LL EVER SEE
GLORIA
Skip! The last note is coming!
SKIP
Gloria!
BOWDEN
The trophy’s going to blow!
GLORIA
I can’t stop playing the song!
ATHENA
Get away from that synthesizer!
SOUND: Athena hits Skip with a brutal chop! Skip drops!
ATHENA (Singing)
THE LAST THING YOU’LL EVER SEE
MACKENZIE (AUDIO TAP)
Skip we’re in! The video feed is ready!
SKIP
Do it, McGrath!
ATHENA
IS -
SOUND: FOOMPH. The music stops. A burst of static and Kristatos's voice comes over the PA
KRISTATOS (ON SPEAKER)
Athena?
ATHENA
Daddy?
KRISTATOS (ON SPEAKER)
My little girl!
ATHENA
Were you watching me sing?
KRISTATOS (ON SPEAKER)
I sort of saw you but this thing is very hard to understand -
ATHENA
Dad, all I see is your forehead.
KRISTATOS
I'm on "group chat".
ATHENA
Don’t, don't touch that, you gotta, no, move your thumb -
SKIP
Here Athena I’m on the call, take my phone -
ATHENA
Okay, thanks, but -
KRISTATOS
I give up.
ATHENA
Wait that's perfect!
KRISTATOS
Oh I see you on stage! Are you a singer?
ATHENA
I...kinda?
KRISTATOS
They told me you had become a criminal like me, but I did not believe them! You are a star!
ATHENA
Dad, um, I just want to tell you -
SOUND: The signal corrupts.
KRISTATOS
Oh wait, is this group chat again?
ATHENA
WHERE IS HE? BRING HIM BACK!
SKIP
McGrath?
MACKENZIE
They caught the signal! Prescott must have jammed it, I can't get it back!
ATHENA
That was super uncool, Granger! You think showing my dad who I really am was gonna stop me from KILLING EVERYONE?
SOUND: The crowd GASPS!
ANNOUNCER (OVER PA)
It seems like this may be some sort of dramatized concept album, folks! Haven't seen the likes of this since Pete Townsend and Paul McCartney back in '73...
SKIP
Listen, Athena, please! I know you want to rule the world. But you know, deep down, that killing innocent people won’t get you that.
ATHENA
Shut up! You don’t know me.
SKIP
You’re right. You’re the only person who knows that. So you have to decide if this is what you want to do, and who you want to be.
SOUND: Bowden starts playing the piano softly. Skip sings and Bowden and Gilligan back him up.
SKIP (Sings)
DO YOU WANNA BE A QUEEN BEE?
OR DO YOU WANNA BE A FORCE OF EVIL?
KILL A THOUSAND PEOPLE?
THE BROKEN VICTIM
OF A MESSED-UP SYSTEM
OR A GIRL WHO’S FINALLY FREE?
BOWDEN AND GILLIGAN (Singing)
FREE!
SKIP
IS THIS GONNA BE YOUR ENDGAME?
BOWDEN AND GILLIGAN
ENGAME...
SKIP
OR WILL IT BE A CHANCE TO START FROM ZERO?
AN UNLIKELY HERO?
IT’S YOUR DECISION
SO WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?
...what’s it gonna be, Athena?
ATHENA
...I’m gonna do what I want to do.
SOUND: Athena HEADBUTTS SKIP! He FALLS OFF THE STAGE!
SKIP
Ow! Oh, I landed on my keys.
ATHENA
Turn the lights up, show’s over. I can't let you have a show where I can't perform. Austin sucks! Texas isn’t even that big! Sorry not sorry! Byeeee!
SOUND: She BLASTS OFF in her jetpack, leaving THE CROWD BOOING! The others leap off the stage. McGrath and Zelda run up.
ZELDA
Skip!
GLORIA
Skip! You okay?
SKIP
Ugh, what happened?
BOWDEN
Athena headbutted you and you fell off the stage!
ANNOUNCER (ON PA)
Well folks, if there’s one thing we won’t tolerate here at Band Wars, it's violence. Ginger Goodrich is disqualified. This year’s winner: Skip Granger!
SOUND: The crowd CHEERS!
MACKENZIE
Skip! You did it!
GLORIA
But what about Athena?
ZELDA
Let Prescott catch her. The plutonium is safe.
SOUND: The crowd cheers.
MACKENZIE
They’re screaming for an encore. (beat) Go on, man. They love you. Go be a rock star.
SKIP
Bowden, Gilligan, want to do one last number?
MACKENZIE
Last one? You sure that’s what you want?
SKIP
I’m sure.
GILLIGAN
Oh, singing with you two has been the most amazing and occasionally terrifying experience of my life! And if I have to be an addict, I've decided to be addicted to something that can make you want to sing, that might get you into trouble, but that never killed anyone.
GLORIA
Oh, Stuart! Is it love?
GILLIGAN
Oh no, it's marijuana.
GLORIA
Oh.
GILLIGAN
But love's good too!
SKIP
Love is good, too! Hey. I love you, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Right back atcha, Skip.
SKIP
But...we did have a deal.
MACKENZIE
...what?
SKIP
I showed you what was in my high school notebook.
MACKENZIE
Oh...
SKIP
So I get one song! C’mon, Gloria, Bowden, Chief, everybody!
BOWDEN
Let’s do it, Stuart! One, two -
SOUND: The band begins to play. Gilligan and Bowden start their harmony. The crowd goes nuts.
MACKENZIE
Wait wait wait -
SKIP
C'mon, McGrath. Just once.
MACKENZIE
...ugh. I'd only do this for you, you know that?
SKIP
I know.
MACKENZIE (Singing)
SOMETIMES I CAN'T WALK OUT THE DOOR AND FACE THE DAY...
MUSIC: Skip and Mackenzie lead the cast in a reprise of "Sometimes I Feel Like a Spy" as the credits are read.
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.
Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Concert Organizer, and Bob Killion as Fitz, Security Guy and The Admiral.
Guest starring Josh Schwartz as Stuart Gilligan, Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott, Bonnie Brantley as Austin Native, Rebecca Serfass as Lucky and Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien.
Music, lyrics, sound editing and sound mixing by Pete Barry.
Like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram and Twitter @MissionRejected. Support us on Patreon for exclusive content, bonus audio and more at www.patreon.com/missonrejected.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. VOLCANO LAIR
SOUND: The crash of the waves.
ADMIRAL
You look down in the mouth, Mister Doe.
CHET
I'm in a bad mood, Admiral. Athena's off gallivanting and I'm stuck here with you.
ADMIRAL
Play the tuba, Mister Doe! Music truly works wonders for the spirit!
CHET
Give it here.
ADMIRAL
There you are.
CHET
Thanks.
SOUND: Chet clobbers him with the tuba.
ADMIRAL
AAAH HIT IN THE FACE WITH A TUBA!
SOUND: The volcano door slides open.
CHET
Athena!
ATHENA
Hey boys.
CHET
How was the competition? Did you need a backup male singer-slash-dancer? Did you get the plutonium?
ATHENA
No.
CHET
No to the plutonium or no to the singer-slash-dancer?
ATHENA
I didn't get the plutonium. I got something better.
SOUND: A phone beeps.
ATHENA
Skip Granger's cellphone.
CHET
Skip Granger's cellphone? Why in God's name would you want that?
ATHENA
Because it's got a coded signal generator I can use to secretly piggyback into the EMF detention center. So I can talk to my dad.
CHET
Really?
ATHENA
I think I finally realized that being a supervillain isn't worth it if you can't rub it in the faces of the people who mean the most to you. (beat) Ah screw it. Chet Philips: proposal accepted.
CHET
You...what?!?
ATHENA
Let's get married and bring the world to its knees together.
CHET
Are...you...I...YES!
SOUND: Chet jumps onto the couch and starts bouncing on it.
ADMRIAL
HA HA!
CHET
SHE SAID YES!
ATHENA
I did.
CHET
YEEEAH!
ATHENA
Yeah, uh, can you, stop, jumping on the couch you're gonna break it.
ADMIRAL
Let me join you, Mister Doe! Bounce! Bounce!
ATHENA
Yeah that's...that’s worse, Admiral, you, you know what, go ahead. Destroy the couch we'll buy another one.
SOUND: Chet and the Admiral jumping on the couch for joy.
ADMIRAL (Sings)
BABY WHALE!
BABY WHALE!
BABY WHALE!
MUSIC: A CAPELLA MUSIC STINGER