Season Two, Episode Eleven: “MOONFAKER”
TRANSCRIPT

INT. VOLCANO LAIR

SFX: The ocean crashes against the volcano. The Admiral aggressively chewing.

ADMIRAL
Succulent! Scrumptious! Savory!

CHET
What are you chewing on? They haven’t served us anything yet.

ADMIRAL
I found an old Payday bar when I was cleaning the communications room. There’s nothing quite like the taste of stale peanuts against caramel that’s hardened to a rock.

SFX: A caterer approaches the table.

CATERER S. DEAR
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I’m so delighted you’ve decided to let Janueats prepare you a sample meal today. We would be honored to cater your wedding. Now, we like to try and add a little customization to our wedding menus, so if you don’t mind my asking, where did you two meet?

ADMIRAL
IT WAS THE ROMANCE OF THE OPEN SEAS...

CHET
Oh no, no, no. WE’RE not getting married. I am. To my BRIDE to be, Athena O’Brien. She, uh, has her hands full at the moment, so my friend here is assisting with the wedding plans.

CATERER S. DEAR
I see.

ADMIRAL
It’s a romantic story never the less, Mr. Doe. I like to think of us as the Romeo and Juliet of the ocean.

CHET
First course, please.

CATERER S. DEAR
Yes, of course. We’re starting today with a cheese soup made with beer from our in-house brewery and aged cheddar from an artisanal cheese maker in Rutland, Vermont.

ADMIRAL
VERMONT? I will not eat food from any landlocked state! No, sir! This wedding is off, I forbid it!

CATERER S. DEAR
I’m sorry, who are you again?

CHET
Just ignore him. This soup is AMAZING. Are those crispy bacon bits?

CATERER S. DEAR
Pancetta, actually, sourced directly from Sicily -

ADMIRAL
A gem in the majestic Mediterranean!  

CATERER S. DEAR
and the Parmesan pinwheel croutons are made at the same farm in Ver-  

ADMIRAL
Don’t say it!

CATERER S. DEAR
-mont.

ADMIRAL
OUTRAGEOUS! Mr. Doe, I suggest we take our business elsewhere.

CATERER S. DEAR
For our second starter, we have our “raw bar on a plate” - west coast oysters on the half shell in a citrus mignonette served along side marinated anchovies on toast points.

ADMIRAL
TRULY THE FOOD OF THE GODS.

CATERER S. DEAR
Right.

CHET(Mouth full)
Good gravy! I’m not usually an anchovy guy, but this is MIND BLOWING.

ADMIRAL
Truly! I’m transported back to my childhood, sucking bracing cold salt water from my mother’s teet.

CATERER S. DEAR(Aside to Chet)
You’re DEFINITELY not marrying this guy, right?

CHET
No way in hell.

CATERER S. DEAR
Good. Excuse me, I’m going to go check on the ribeye steaks.

ADMIRAL
Those cattle better be freshwater!

CATERER S. DEAR
God I hate rich people.

SFX: As the caterer walks away, the door opens and in comes Athena with Archie and Lex in tow.

ATHENA
Come on, move it. I haven’t got all day.

ARCHIE
You’ve had us pent up in cells the size of a matchbox. My legs ain’t exactly in Bristol fashion.

LEX
Oh. My. God. CHET?

ARCHIE
Chet! Admiral! I thought you two was brown bread!

CHET
Uh, no, we haven’t done the bread course yet. I think there’s one Parmesan pinwheel at the bottom of my soup bowl...

ARCHIE
Brown bread. DEAD.

LEX
I’ll eat the pinwheel.

ADMIRAL
Sorry. I already licked it.

CHET
Come on, sit down. You guys look like you could use a drink. Hey, buddy, can I get a couple of plates for my friends?

CATERER S. DEAR
This is supposed to be a sample meal for two people.

CHET
Yeah, but you’ve got extra, right?

CATERER S. DEAR (Under his breath)
I hate Volcano weddings. This is almost as bad as Elon Musk’s cloning party.

ARCHIE
Chet, what the bloody hell is going on? Where have you been the last three months?

CHET
Here, mostly. But, look, I didn’t know you two were alive until recently.

LEX
Is that, like, anchovy toast?

ADMIRAL
Yes, but it’s from Vermont.

CATERER S. DEAR
Here you are. Dry aged “freshwater” ribeye steaks. For four.

SFX: Archie and Lex eat their first real meal in months.

CATERER S. DEAR
Note that the portions at the wedding will be larger. Assuming you don’t double the guest list without telling me.

LEX
Guest list?

ARCHIE
Wedding?

ATHENA
Do you want to tell them the good news...or shall I?

ARCHIE
You can’t be serious.

CHET
Afraid so, old chum. I was hoping you’d be my best man.

ARCHIE
BUT...

ADMIRAL
Yes, yes, I know, Archie. You’d expect that I would be the best man, but it’s alright. As the only person at this table who’s the head of their own religion, it’s only right that I conduct the ceremony.

LEX
Have you gone mental? She’s...

ATHENA
Incredibly attractive? Insanely rich? A genuine genius? GUILTY.

ARCHIE
Lex, I think maybe we went Patrick Swayze in that cell, cause this doesn’t make sense.

LEX
Why are you talking about the dude from that movie my mom likes?

ARCHIE
PATRICK SWAYZE. Crazy!

CHET
Listen, I know I wasn’t totally up front about why I needed to find Athena. But we’re together now and everything is going to be alright. She has a vision for the future and there’s a place for both of you in it.

ATHENA
You’re both smart people. I like smart people. Don’t make the same mistake Mackenzie McGrath did and turn me down. I’d say she’d live to regret it...but I’m going to kill her instead.

ARCHIE
Well. Well, Bob’s your uncle! We’re having an Otis Redding.

ATHENA
Also, I HATE cockney rhyming slang!

SFX: Drone flies in

ATHENA
Grrrr. Chet, I told you, I have people that can get that homing beacon out of your bloodstream. We don’t need to be interrupted by the EMF anymore! These missions are always AWFUL anyway. It would be one thing if I could ever glean anything useful out of them or learn about an exciting mission we could sabotage.

CHET
Hey, we’re bound to get lucky sometime.

SFX: Drone tape on.

MISSION VOICE (On tape)
Get ready for blast off, Mr. Phillips. Your destination: Tranquility Base, the site of man’s first steps on the moon.  

CHET
JACKPOT!

MISSION VOICE (On tape)
...which you are to recreate in a warehouse on the outskirts of Dover, Delaware.

SFX: Tape off.

ATHENA
Arrrrgh!

SFX: Athena grabs the drone and smashes it against the table.

CATERER S. DEAR
Would anyone care for fruit or dessert?

MUSIC: OPENING TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Moonfaker”

INT. FANCY APARTMENT - DAY

SFX: Skip, Mackenzie, and Nancy the Real Estate agent enter the apartment, shutting the door behind them.

NANCY
And this is the master bedroom. It has the full private bath and walk-in closet, as I said. But, for me, the real selling point of this unit is the view. Here, let me get the blinds.

SFX: The blinds slide open.

SKIP
Holy. Cow. McGrath! You can see the river from here! This has to be your new place!

MACKENZIE
If you like it that much, why don’t you take it? Zelda said if you don’t move your stuff out of the briefing room soon she’s going to sell it auction.

SKIP
Oh, I’ll find something, but this is your FREEDOM apartment! It should be special!

MACKENZIE
Say, Nancy, am I allowed to cut into this wall?

NANCY
Not if you want your security deposit back.

MACKENZIE
Hard pass.

SKIP
McGrath, the fridge has an ice maker on the door! The kind that does cubed AND crushed! I’m gonna go check out the master bath!

NANCY
Why do you want to cut into the wall?

MACKENZIE
Ethernet. I hate to say I got used to anything in my little EMF holding pen, but man...I can’t go back to commercial wi-fi.

SKIP (Off)
McGrath! They have a squatty potty and a western toilet! It's so inclusive!

NANCY
The walk-in closet is very nice...

MACKENZIE
You know, Nancy, I can’t argue with you there. It’s almost exactly the right dimensions.

NANCY
Shoe collection?

MACKENZIE
Server racks.

SKIP (From the next room)
This toilet seat is HEATED!

MACKENZIE
Well, this place is pretty great. Guess I can just budget-in not getting the security deposit back.

NANCY
You really shouldn’t tell me that up front.

MACKENZIE
Oh, don’t worry, Nancy. There’s plenty of things I’ll be keeping secret.

SKIP (Off)
Wooooah!! McGrath, there's a bidet!

NANCY
Have you considered maybe looking over at Drake Towers?

MACKENZIE
Funny, they sent us here.

NANCY REAL ESTATE
Did they.

SFX: The sound of a flush from the next room.

TOILET (Off)
Thank you, Skip. Have a nice day.

SKIP (Coming in)
I think that toilet is my new best friend!

MACKENZIE
Alright, Nancy. Let’s draw up the rental agreement.

NANCY
Super. If we could just go down to the office.

SFX: The door busts open suddenly and in run Bowden, Gloria, and Zelda.

ZELDA
Miss McGrath, step away from that woman.

SKIP
Section Chief! What’s going on?

BOWDEN
Stay back, Skip, you don’t know who you’re dealing with!

SKIP
What?

NANCY
What in heavens is going on? Who are you people?

GLORIA
GET DOWN, LADY!

SFX: Swift karate moves from Gloria and Nancy goes down.

MACKENZIE
Gloria, what are you doing? That’s my real estate agent!

GLORIA
Well, it looks like somebody is late on their rent!

BOWDEN
Gloria, we need to work on your quips. Nice try, though.

SKIP
Section Chief, what in the name of Century 21 is going on here?

ZELDA
Gloria. The face.

GLORIA
On it, chief.

NANCY
Get your hands off me! Why are you pulling on my face? Ouch!

SFX: A mask rips off and Nancy is revealed to be Vlad.

VLAD
Oh screw it.

ZELDA
Meet Vladimir Papuga aka “The Parrot”, Eastern Europe’s most popular actor, one of the world’s greatest mimics and a master of disguise.

BOWDEN
Well, let’s not oversell it.

VLAD
I was on biggest show in the Eastern Block: “Comrades”! I even had catch phrase: “We were on government mandated separation!”

BOWDEN
Oh yeah, well have you ever done the complete Brighton Beach trilogy by Neil Simon? CAUSE I HAVE. IN Brighton Beach!

MACKENZIE
I don’t get it. Why was he trying to rent me an apartment?

ZELDA
It’s not you he’s after. Not directly. Gloria.

GLORIA
Yes, m’am. Bowden, watch this guy’s security deposit.

BOWDEN
Again, a noble effort, my love.

ZELDA
Gloria, the slide projector.

GLORIA
On it!

MACKENZIE
YOU BROUGHT THE SLIDE PROJECTOR?

SKIP
Ooooh, the pocket model!

SFX: Projector starts up.

ZELDA
You’re looking at Dr. Harold Snodgrass, former NASA scientist and now Deputy Director of Das Raketa, Russia’s answer to Space X.  

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
Snodgrass had been working on a new fast-travel rocket that would reduce the flight time between Earth and the International Space Station to two hours.

BOWDEN
Not even enough time to stream The Irishman!

ZELDA
The secret to this breakthrough is a new super fuel created by Snodgrass. It’s rumored to be extremely efficient, ultra high octane, and most importantly - totally emissions free.

SKIP
A clean, sustainable fuel is the holy grail! Imagine a world where we could stop processing petroleum for gas!

ZELDA
Imagine a world where enemy countries have a cheap fuel powerful enough to launch a nuke into the heart of the U.S.

SKIP
Okay, if you want to be a downer.

ZELDA
I do.

MACKENZIE
What does any of this have to do with Fake Nancy over here?

VLAD
Only fake thing here is Montcrief’s Oscar.

BOWDEN
LOW BLOW!

ZELDA
Snodgrass discovered that Das Raketa was more interested in selling the fuel formula to the highest bidder than reaching the international space station. He fled the country with the formula in tow and is currently in EMF protective custody.

GLORIA
Vlad here was going to have this place bugged in hopes of getting information on Snodgrass’s whereabouts. Probably tap into your network too.

MACKENZIE
And you would have received a 10% commission on the rental! You snake!

BORIS
I DESERVE FIFTEEN! How many toilets was Skip Granger going to flush?

SKIP
Every one. Water pressure is important!

TOILET (off)
You understand me, Skip.

MACKENZIE
Alright, so, we’ve got Boris and you’ve already got this Snodgrass guy. Easiest mission ever!

ZELDA
But we don’t have the formula. Snodgrass is willing to turn it over, but only under some very specific circumstances. He wants to hand it over...in space.

BOWDEN
And they say Daniel Day Lewis’ rider is impossible!

SKIP
Wait. Section Chief Anders, does this mean what I think it means?

ZELDA
It does.

SKIP
We really get to go? Oh my goodness. Everyone, do you know where we’re headed?

MACKENZIE, GLORIA, BOWDEN
Space?

SKIP
DELAWARE!

MACKENZIE, GLORIA, BOWDEN
(Dissapointed grunts)

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. DELAWARE WAREHOUSE

SFX: A large, heavy warehouse door is wheeled open.

SKIP
Everyone, welcome to EMF Black Ops 12 - Strategic Simulation Site. In here, the EMF has been able to recreate any location conceivable in order to fool marks and counter operatives. It’s one of the most secret locations on the planet.

MACKENZIE
It’s one of the dingiest locations on the planet.

SFX: Something metalic falls to the ground

GLORIA
It does look...disused.

SKIP
Yes, well, it’s fallen out of favor in the last decade or two. Chet Phillips refused to work here. He’s on the record as saying that adherence to fantasy is the crutch of the super spy.

BOWDEN
For once, Skip, I share your enthusiasm. I used to dream of doing a mission in this place! Sets, props, costumes! Totally immersive theater! But Phillips always wanted the real thing. I was lucky if he let me play a bus driver. But now, I can finally give it the full Montcrief.

GLORIA
(Swoons)

MACKENZIE
Vomit, but I can get on board. Simulations can be pretty impressive tech. What are we talking about here? Holograms? Nano-cameras and reflective surfaces? Wrap around video walls and digital sets?

SABRINA
Plywood, hydraulics and the magic of me.

SFX: The team is startled by this new voice.

SKIP
Oh good, you’re already here! Everyone, meet Dr. Sabrina Starr, the newly installed head of this facility.

SABRINA
What’s up, teammates?

GLORIA
Nice to meet you, doctor. What’s your degree in?

SABRINA
Imagineering. Okay, technically, I have PhDs in engineering and physics from MIT, and an MFA from the Yale School of Drama, but contractually, I have to say Imagineering.

GLORIA
Oh my gosh, do you work for Disney?

SABRINA
WORKED. Past tense. Have you ever been on Mission: Space?

GLORIA
The closest I’ve ever come to the parks was Flush Mountain, the log flume in Uncle Riley’s backyard.

MACKENZIE
I’ve been on it. It’s a space flight simulator. Pretty intense for the mouse house. Only ride that comes with barf bags.

SABRINA
(Laughs) Trust me when I say that what you rode was the teacups compared to what I designed. I was brought in to revamp the ride. I called it Moonshot Mountain. It was my masterpiece! But ONE lard ass from NASA spills his lunch during a test demo and they nerf the whole thing!

SKIP
Well, the past is the past, doctor. We need you to create a convincing journey to space - liftoff, weightlessness, the works! And we need you to do it in here.

SABRINA
Agent Granger, I’ve been planning for this my whole life. Though I don’t suppose we can book Gary Sinise to play the mission commander?

BOWDEN
Ohhh no. Uh uh. No way, sister. Gary may have beat me out for Reindeer Games, but this one is all me.

MACKENZIE
I don’t get it. Why don’t we just shoot this guy into space?

SABRINA
Sister, if NASA has to hitch a ride to the stars, you think EMF can afford it?

SFX: A lightbulb falls out of its socket and breaks on the floor.

GLORIA
We can’t even afford lightbulbs, apparently.  

SABRINA
You leave that to Dr. Starr. Check my bag. I came prepared.

SFX: Unzipping. Mackenzie rifles through the bag.

MACKENZIE
Holy cow! Forget lightbulbs! Look at all this stuff! Microprocessors, hydraulic controls, smoke machines...

SABRINA
Let’s just say I cleaned out my desk on my way out of the castle.

BOWDEN
Say, Dr. Starr, any chance you’ve got connections in casting? I’ve always wanted to voice a classic character.

GLORIA
Oh, Bo, not your Mickey Mouse!

SKIP
Bowden can do Mickey Mouse?

SFX: Bowden clears his throat.

BOWDEN (Making no appreciable change to his voice)
Hey there, Mousekateers!

SABRINA
Well, I used to date a gal in the talent office, but I’m pretty sure they’re full up on voice artists.

BOWDEN
They just haven’t heard the right take from me yet. (Coughs) Gawrsh, Mickey, I sure am goofy!

SABRINA
Keep chasing the dream, fella.

SKIP
Alright. Dr. Starr, the team is yours to command. Just tell us what we need to do and we’ll get it done. It’s all hands on deck. Section Chief Anders is expecting us to come through on our end. You know she’s holding up hers.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SFX: The bleeps and bloops of the briefing room. Someone is slurping a straw in what sounds like a nearly empty cup.

ZELDA
Dr. Snodgrass, I just have a few more questions.

SFX: Big slurp.

ZELDA
Is it possible -

SFX: Big slurp.

ZELDA
Dr. Snodgrass...

SFX: SLURP

ZELDA
Dr. Snodgrass!

SFX: Interrupted slurp.

HAROLD
MMMM? Oh, sorry. It’s just that this milkshake is SO GOOD.

ZELDA
I’m glad you like it.

SFX: Slurp

ZELDA
Now, is it possible for you to hand over the formula before the space flight tomorrow?

HAROLD
I don’t suppose I could have another one?

ZELDA
Another?

HAROLD
Milkshake. I don’t know what you’re putting in them, but they are REALLY hitting the spot. I’d be most grateful.

ZELDA
Fine.

SFX: Zelda hits the intercom buzzer.

ZELDA
Another shake for Dr. Snodgrass, please.

SFX: The door opens and in comes Dr. Legrange.

LEGRANGE
Heya! You really like my special shake, eh, Johnny?

HAROLD
It’s Harold, but yes.

LEGRANGE
Vhat can I say? My milkshake brings all the astrophysicists to the Gemini Observatories.

HAROLD
Oh I bet.

LEGRANGE
Here you go, butterscotch.

HAROLD
Keep ‘em coming.

LEGRANGE
Tell you what, Harry, I’ll just leave ze pitcher. Dr. Legrange’s secret recipe.

HAROLD
Dr. Legrange? Dr. Karol Legrange?

LEGRANGE
WHO SENT YOU? TELL YOUR GOONS THOSE PENGUINS ALL HAVE THE PROPER PAPERWORK!

HAROLD
No, no, no! I read your paper! The one on the seven most effective chemicals to dissolve a human body with.

LEGRANGE
Oh! You know how hard it vas to get that published? Nobody would take it - Oxford, Omni, Playboy. It’s an acquired taste.

HAROLD
Just a little bedtime reading for me.

LEGRANGE
Hey, zis guy is alright, you know?

SFX: SLURPING

ZELDA
Dr. Snodgrass. Again, I must ask, is there any way you would be willing to hand over the formula BEFORE tomorrow’s launch? Just in case, God forbid, anything should happen. You must understand that launching anyone into space, let alone a civilian, is no small matter.

HAROLD
Neither is inventing the world’s cleanest and most efficient fuel! All my life I’ve worked in the space industry helping governments reach the stars. NASA, SpaceX, Das Rocketa. I gave my best to all of them and still the closest I ever got to space was a brief stint ushering at the Leonard Nimoy Planetarium. So now, it’s Harold Snodgrass’s turn! I have something that no one else has and this is my price. Plus, as many of these shakes as you can whip up.

SFX: SLURP.

LEGRANGE
Careful there, Mister Softie! You’ll give yourself brain freeze.

HAROLD
I think a momentary pain is worth it for the pleasure.

LEGRANGE
No, I mean it has chemicals that will literally freeze your brain. Too much and you’ll be in a coma.

HAROLD
Huh?

SFX: TWHACK! Harold’s head hits the table.

LEGRANGE
I tried to warn you, Johnnycakes.

ZELDA
Dr. Legrange, what did you do!?

LEGRANGE
What you told me to!

ZELDA
I told you that I need him to be asleep when we transported him tomorrow - not now and not COMATOSE.

LEGRANGE
Ahhh, well, you should have been more specific.

ZELDA
We have got to get better help.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. DELAWARE WAREHOUSE

SFX: Construction sounds.

SABRINA
Hey Rosie the Riveter, what’s your status?

GLORIA
Oh, uh, pretty good! I think. To be honest, I’ve never assembled a centrifuge before. I’m not entirely sure I have it right.

SABRINA
Hey, neither was Walt when he opened the park. Let’s see...

SFX: Sabrina bangs her wrench on the centrifuge.

SABRINA
Hmm...yeah, this’ll do, Rosie. Just waiting on the electrics and then we can do a test run.

BOWDEN
Roger that, space ranger!

GLORIA
Stop auditioning. She’s not going to get you a job.

BOWDEN
Gloria, I would think by now you would know that I’m ALWAYS auditioning! Anyone could be watching. Today’s international criminal might be tomorrow’s Hollywood mogul! Quite probably, in fact.

SABRINA
I get it, Golden Globes. You can play mission control.

BOWDEN
BOOKED IT!

SFX: Static burst from a walkie talkie

SABRINA (On walkie)
Techie, you ready to go with the electrics?

SFX: Transition sound

MACKENZIE (Into walkie)
Almost ready, Stargirl, just gotta make one last patch. Stand by.

SFX: Walkie off.

MACKENZIE
Skip, hand me that ground wire, would ya?

SKIP
Here you go.

MACKENZIE
What time do you think we’ll be done with this? There’s a Kaiju marathon on this weekend. Before you ask, yes you can watch it with me and yes you should bring popcorn.

SKIP
Say, McGrath...I’ve been thinking.

MACKENZIE
No, Skip, we should DEFINITELY not get matching shirts that say “Best Mission Ever”.

SKIP
Agree to disagree. But no no, that’s not it. I was thinking...maybe we should get a place together.

MACKENZIE
What? Be serious.

SKIP
I am serious. You’re looking for a fresh start once the pardon comes through and I’m looking for a place to sleep that’s not the briefing room.

MACKENZIE
Man, I don’t know, Skip. We already spend so much time together at work.

SKIP
Exactly! And how many nights have we spent watching movies in your room? Or playing Catan at mine? That’s not going to change just because you don’t have to live at EMF any more, right?

MACKENZIE
Well...no...but not having a curfew anymore...I would like to see if there’s a life out there for me, you know? Not that I don’t love beating you at Catan.

SKIP
And I have plenty of things I need to do on my own too! Bookshelves don’t arrange themselves by color all on their own! Plus I always have songs to write...

MACKENZIE
I am NOT singing with you. That was a one time deal.

SKIP
I know, I know, don’t worry!

MACKENZIE
Well. Let’s think about it, okay?

SKIP
Okay!

MACKENZIE
Okay, that should do it. (On walkie) Stargirl, this is McGrath. All set down here, fire her up.

SABRINA (On walkie)
Get your butt up here, you two are going to want to see this.

MUSIC: Transition

MACKENZIE
Alright, Stargirl, show us what you’ve got!

SABRINA
Hey, techie! Why don’t you and Skip come join Rosie and Golden Globes in the shuttle pod.

SKIP
Wait, did everyone get a nickname but me?

MACKENZIE
Skip, you hate nicknames.

SKIP
Yes, but my FOMO is crippling.

SABRINA
Wait...I thought Skip was your nickname!

SKIP
No! It’s my real name. It’s the 929th most popular name for a boy!

SABRINA
WOWZERS. Alright, Square Peg, you just got yourself a nickname.

SKIP
Can I have a different one?

SABRINA
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural flight of Moonshot Mountain!

SFX: Sabrina flips a switch and the power comes on. Suddenly, we’re inside a spaceship. Everyone gasps in wonder.

INT. MOONSHOT MOUNTAIN

SKIP
This is incredible!

MACKENZIE
The attention to detail!

GLORIA
The verisimilitude!

BOWDEN
The new rocket ship smell!

SABRINA
The perfect rocket ship. Complete in every detail, down to the cabinet full of Astronaut Ice Cream.

MACKENZIE (Mouth full)
Dehydrated food is amazing.

BOWDEN
You have a real problem, do you know that?

SABRINA
Let’s take this baby for a spin and you’ll see how easy it’s going be to fool your mark. Golden Globes and I will stay outside the vehicle. The rest of you will pretend to be the flight crew.

GLORIA
Dibs on captain!

MACKENZIE
First mate!

SKIP
But...gosh darn it.

SABRINA
All the dials and switches in here are functional. Turn ‘em, flip ‘em - make the lights on the control panel go on and off. Give the guy a good show before “take off.”

BOWDEN
You’ll be a flip switching chorus to the main attraction of my Mission Control. We’ve got a green screen set up in closet. I’ll be patched in over the monitors.

SABRINA
Let’s do a dry run. Strap in, cosmonauts!

SFX: She leaves, closing the hatch behind her.

SKIP
Roger that! Safety first, everyone! Pull those lap belts tight!

SFX: Buckles being buckled.

GLORIA
Hey, who’s the captain around here?

SKIP
Oh. Sorry, m’am.

SABRINA (Over comms)
Remember, this thing is going to put out some serious Gs. You need to stay buckled in at all times. Come on, Golden Globes. Let’s do this thing.

MUSIC: Dramatic Disney-attraction-style synth music.

SFX: The monitor comes to life.

BOWDEN (On monitor)
Welcome, space travelers! You are among the first to be on board a private trip to the stars. Our flight today will see you slip past the bonds of gravity and soar high above the Earth where, from your orbit, you will have a view of our planet that few have ever experienced. I’ll be your guide down here at Mission Command. We have a smooth flight planned for you, so sit back and enjoy your flight. Oh, one more thing...for your own safety, remain strapped in at all times. Wouldn’t want you to hit your head on an overhead compartment. See you in space.

SKIP
That was great.

GLORIA
I’ve never seen him happier.

MACKENZIE
Wait a second. Isn’t Snodgrass going to want to float? What the hell is the point of going to space if you can’t have Zero Gs?

SABRINA (On monitor)
(Laughs) Unless you can get your hands on a vomit comet, this is the best you’re going to get. When the centrifuge stops accelerating, you’ll have a momentary sensation of weightlessness, but the minute you unbuckle, the jig is up. Don’t worry, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve, he’ll be plenty entertained.

BOWDEN (On monitor)
Space travelers, prepare for blast off! Five...

SFX: Rumbles.

BOWDEN (On monitor)
Four...three...

GLORIA
Oh...I’m so excited!

BOWDEN (On monitor)
Two...one...blast off!

SFX: BLAST OFF!

MACKENZIE
Woooooah!

GLORIA
Woooo!!

SKIP
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MUSIC: Transition

INT. ZELDA’S CAR

SFX: The car drive along a gravel road. Snodgrass snores loudly.

ZELDA
We’ll be there in just a few moments. Karol, I need him AWAKE.

LEGRANGE
Jiminy Crickets, you think I didn’t hear you the first fifty times? At least we know he’s alive, he’s been talking in his sleep.

HAROLD (Giggles)
Oh no! No, Buzz, YOU go first this time. You deserve it. [HUGE SNORE]

LEGRANGE
Here we go, a Legrange special. A fifth of gin, a splash of adrenaline and just a pinch of Tabasco for zip.

SFX: Legrange shakes the concoction. Ice is clearly heard.

ZELDA
WHERE DID YOU GET ICE?

LEGRANGE
Okay, sleepy head, down the hatch.

ZELDA
Don't -

HAROLD
[Snores, then coughs as Legrange pours the drink down his throat.]

ZELDA
Don’t choke him!

LEGRANGE
Oh man, you have to get better at giving instructions BEFORE I do something!

ZELDA
(Growls)

SFX: Car drives off.

INT. DELAWARE WAREHOUSE

SFX: Skip and Mackenize laugh at a Japanese monster movie playing on the monitor. Godzilla makes a very identifiable roar.

MACKENZIE (Laughing)
Oh no, there goes Tokyo! Ten bucks says Berlin is next.

SKIP
No way. Moscow is way closer.

MACKENZIE
You’re on.

SABRINA (Slapping Skip)
What are you doing? Moonshot Mountain is not your personal home entertainment system! Get it off my monitors, Square Peg!

SKIP
Sorry, Dr. Starr. Typically, I’d never be this relaxed before a mission, but I have to hand it to you. This space simulator is a masterpiece.

SFX: They walk out of the simulator

MACKENZIE
Seriously though, well done. Between those ultra high def screens and the motion simulator, I really felt like we were blasting off.

SKIP
The addition of the asteroid storm was a great touch. Kept things exciting. Our man is in for the ride of his life.

GLORIA (Running up)
Agent Granger, they’re here! Section Anders is pulling up.

SFX: A car pulling up.

SKIP
What? They’re early!

BOWDEN
Great Scott, I’ve barely had time to finish making my costume!

GLORIA
Seems like you did in the stitch of time.

BOWDEN
Ok, if I’m not allowed to do Mickey, you have to stop with the puns. We’ll both keep working on it.

GLORIA
Oh.

SFX: Zelda’s car pulls in. She opens the car door.

ZELDA
Agent Granger, give Dr. Legrange a hand with Snodgrass.

SFX: Legrange getting out of the car.

HAROLD
What? Is it time for school already?

SFX: Skip helps shoulder Snodgrass.

ZELDA
He’s been out for hours, but he’s coming to.

HAROLD
Just five more minutes, mom.

ZELDA
We need to get him in the space simulator right away.

BOWDEN
Get him suited up. I’ll be in the closet. I mean mission control.

SFX: Bowden runs off.

SKIP
Help me get him into his space suit.

GLORIA
On it, Skip!

SFX: Skip and Gloria try to shimmy Snodgrass into a jumpsuit.

HAROLD
Stop! Stop! It tickles!

SFX: The open the simulator hatch.

GLORIA
That’s as good as it’s going to get, I think.

SKIP
Alright, let’s strap him in.

SFX: They lower him into a seat. The click of seat belts.

HAROLD (Waking up)
What’s going on? Where am I?

SKIP
We’re getting ready for blast off.

HAROLD
Already? I must have passed out from excitement.

MACKENZIE
Sure. Let’s say that.

SKIP
Gloria, McGrath, buckle up. I’ll close the bay door. We’re going to have you in space in no time, Dr. Snodgrass.

SABRINA
What a minute. Snodgrass? Dr. Harold Snodgrass?

SKIP
Yes. Do you know him?

SABRINA
He was the special scientific adviser of the Mission Space revamp project! He’s the one who got the whole thing scrapped. Now’s my chance to show him what I can do!

SKIP
Great. I’m glad we’re all so motivated. Now, if you’ll get to the controls, I’ve got to close the pod bay door.

SFX: Skip closes the outer hatch.

SABRINA
This is it, Sabrina, the moment you’ve been waiting for. Time for blast off.

SFX: She runs down the hall and opens the closet.

INT. CLOSET

BOWDEN (Vocalizing)
Skip Granger Ranger Danger. Skip Granger Ranger Danger.

SABRINA
Start the show, Golden Globes. I’m gonna make a couple of last minute tweaks.

BOWDEN
Tweaks? They’re already in the simulator.

SABRINA
Don’t go all corporate on me, Golden Globes. I thought we were both creatives.

BOWDEN
I am! We are! Let’s do it.

SFX: Bowden flicks on the comms system.

MUSIC: Attraction music.

BOWDEN
Rocket ship X-M, this is Mission Control, do you read me?

SFX: Transition noise

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE

GLORIA
We read you, control. How are we looking?

BOWDEN (On comms)
The sun is bright, the sky is clear. It’s a beautiful day to leave the atmosphere. You are clear to being your pre-launch sequence.

GLORIA
Rodger that, control. McGrath, fire her up.

MACKENZIE
Aye, aye, cap!

SFX: McGrath starts flipping switches on the control panels.

HAROLD
What are you doing? You can’t just flip switches at random like that! And what kind of ship is this? It doesn’t look like any NASA or SpaceX ship I’ve ever been on.

SKIP
Well, uh, we’re the EMF, Dr. Snodgrass. Had you even heard of us before we made contact?

HAROLD
Well...no.

SKIP
That’s right! Everything we do is top secret.

HAROLD
There is something familiar about this cockpit. I can’t put my finger on it though.

MACKENZIE
Mission control, pre-launch check complete. We are ready to rumble.

SFX: Transition

INT. CLOSET

SABRINA
Buy me a couple more seconds.

BOWDEN
What are you doing? You’re gonna blow the whole show!

SABRINA
I got it, I got it. Do your thing.

SFX: Bowden activates the comms again.

BOWDEN
Welcome, space travelers! You are among the first to be on board a private trip to the stars.

SFX: Transition

HAROLD
A commercial flight? I thought you were a top secret agency?

MACKENZIE
Yeah, well...you think that pays for itself? Gotta milk those one percenters!

BOWDEN (On coms)
Our flight today will see you slip past the bonds of gravity and soar high above the Earth where, from your orbit, you will have a view of our planet that few have ever experienced. I’ll be your guide down here at Mission Command. We have a smooth flight planned for you, so sit back and enjoy your journey.

HAROLD
What is with the music?

BOWDEN (On comms)
Oh, one more thing...for your own safety, remain strapped in at all times. Wouldn’t want you to hit your head on an overhead compartment. See you in space.

HAROLD
Overheard compartment? What kind of ship has an overhead compartment? That’s a terrible idea!

SFX: Rumbles as the ship readies for take off.

BOWDEN (On coms)
Captain, you are cleared for takeoff. Commencing countdown. Ten... (Countdown continues throughout)

SKIP
This is it, Dr. Snodgrass! All your dreams are about to come true.

HAROLD
Suddenly I’m wondering if this was such a good idea.

SKIP
Oh come now, you’re in good hands. We’ve made this trip hundreds of times!

HAROLD
HUH?

SKIP
Uh, dozens?

HAROLD
What?

SKIP
Uh...several of times?

BOWDEN
Blast off!

SFX: Tremendous rumble as the “ship” “takes off”. Everyone screams. Transition noise.

INT. CLOSET

SABRINA
Okay, Golden Globes, I’m ready. Let’s kick this into high gear.

BOWDEN
What does that do?

SABRINA
Accelerator. I want to give Snodgrass an extra little kick. How are you at improvisation?

BOWDEN
Are you kidding? This is Clive Anderson saying goodnight. Goodnight!

SABRINA
Alright get on the horn. Tell them there’s an unexpected flare up in their boosters. I’ll take it from there.

SFX: Bowden activates the comms.

BOWDEN
Rocketship-XM, we’re detecting an unusual flare up in your boosters. Things might get a little bumpy.

SABRINA
Good, good! Let’s see how he likes THIS!

SFX: Lots of levers being pulled. Transition noise. In the ship, things are whirring and rumbling.

HAROLD
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

SKIP (Straining to keep calm)
Just a little bumpy! Gonna be out in space any minute now.

MACKENZIE
My brains are going to be in my feet!

SFX: BOOM! Everyone screams as they’re jostled about. An alarm starts blaring.

GLORIA
Mission control - what was that?

BOWDEN (On comms)
Looks like we lost booster number 7!

HAROLD
Buzz Aldrin was right! I wasn’t meant to be a starman!

BOWDEN (On comms)
Switch to emergency back-up!

MACKENZIE
What is he talking about?

GLORIA
I don’t know! Start flipping some switches!

SFX: McGrath wildly starts flipping every switch. She turns one of them monitors on and Godzilla lets out a terrifying roar!

HAROLD
OH MY GOD SPACE DRAGONS!

MACKENZIE
Oh damn it, is that Moscow?

HAROLD
I have to get off! I have to get off! Turn this ship around.

SKIP
We can’t! Not until you give us the formula!

HAROLD
There is no formula!

SKIP
WHAT?

HAROLD
I made it up! I just wanted to go to space! Please, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Make it stop!

SABRINA (Over comms)
Hey, Snodgrass! How’s this for “unrealistic”? ASTEROID STORM!

SFX: The sound of “asteroids” hitting the ship. Snodgrass wails. Everyone else sounds distressed. Transition noise.

SABRINA
(Laughing) This is the greatest day of my career!

SFX: An electrical surge. The sound of metal bending.

SABRINA
Uh oh.

BOWDEN
What oh?

SABRINA
The control panel’s fried. I can’t stop the ride.

BOWDEN
ARE YOU SERIOUS? My friends are in there!

SABRINA
I can fix it! I can fix it!

SFX: Metal creaking.

BOWDEN
Pull the plug!

SABRINA
Do you know how fast that centrifuge is spinning to simulate take off? If I just hit the breaks, your friend’s necks are gonna snap like twigs.

BOWDEN
Gloria, this is Bowden. We’ve got a little situation here. Hang tight, I’m going to get you out of there.

GLORIA (On comms)
Oh God. I’ll never look at a spin cycle the same way again!

BOWDEN
Dr. Starr, isn’t there some kind of a manual override or something?

SABRINA
I design theme park rides, we don’t usually build in a way for the tourists to shut them off! You’d need a computer genius on board to be able to send a command from the ride to the control panel.

BOWDEN
You just said the magic words. McGrath, did you hear any of that?

SFX: Transition. The whirring inside the rocket simulator is at a frenzy.

MACKENZIE
Oh for the love of God. Yes, I heard you. I just don’t know if I can’t think clearly with my brain pressed against the back of my skull.

BOWDEN (On comms)
I know you can. I believe in you.

MACKENZIE
Bowden’s being nice? I’m definitely about to die.

GLORIA
Please, Miss McGrath, you have to try. I can’t take this much longer - and Agent Granger just turned chartreuse!

SKIP (Almost passed out)
It’s my second favorite color.

MACKENZIE
Ok, ok. Well, the monitor is picking up the stream from the movie channel, and that’s playing off the computer in the control panel. So, if I can just hook my laptop to the port on the monitor, I should be able to get control...

GLORIA
Do it!

MACKENZIE
I can barely move my arms. The centrifugal force is too much! Almost...there...

SKIP
McGrath...wait!

MACKENZIE
Oh God, what?

SKIP
Are you gonna be my roommate?

MACKENZIE
Are you serious?

SKIP
I don’t want to die with this unresolved!

MACKENZIE
Skip, now is really not the moment.

SKIP
It’s okay. I understand if you don’t want to. I can be a bit much.

MACKENZIE
You? What about ME? I’m going to drive you crazy with my...semi-legal activities.

SKIP
I don’t care about that! Just keep me out of the loop.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, I think I’m going to pass out soon if you don’t hurry.

MACKENZIE
Skip, we’ll talk about this later. (Struggles) Arrghhhhh...got it!

SFX: Typing. The ship slowly powers down.

MACKENZIE
I’m gonna take a nap.

SKIP
Yeah, me too.

SFX: Transition. Outside the rocket. Bowden and Starr come running up.

SABRINA
She did it! She got it to stop. Way to go, Techie!

BOWDEN
That McGrath. Saves us every time.

ZELDA
Dr. Starr, what is going on? That contraption of yours was going dangerously fast.

SABRINA
Just some opening day quirks. We’ll iron it out before the summer rush.

SFX: Metal pieces clanging to the floor.

ZELDA
What?

SFX: The door to the ship burst open and out comes Skip, Gloria, McGrath, and Snodgrass. All very dazed.

SKIP (Kissing the floor)
GROUND! SWEET GLORIOUS GROUND!

MACKENZIE
Skip, I better never catch you kissing the floor of our apartment.

SKIP
OUR apartment? You mean...

MACKENZIE
Yeah, alright...roomie.

SKIP
Huzzah! (About to vomit) Oh, excuse me!

SFX: He runs off.

BOWDEN
Gloria, are you alright?

GLORIA
I’ll let you know...as soon as I know which one of you is talking to me.  Oh...(about to vomit) excuse me.

SFX: She runs off.

MACKENZIE
Hold up. That makes two of us.

SFX: She also runs off.

ZELDA
Dr. Snodgrass, did you hand over the formula?

HAROLD
THERE IS NO FORMULA! Throw me in jail! Send me back to the Russians! I don’t care, just so long as it’s on Earth! (About to vomit) EXCUSE ME.

SFX: He runs off.

LEGRANGE
This was exciting! I’ve always wanted to attend a rocket launch.

ZELDA
Doctor Legrange, why don’t you make yourself a milkshake?

LEGRANGE
Oh you. You know, Johnny, I’m starting to love us.

ZELDA
(Groans)

MUSIC: Transition

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SFX: Beeps and bloops. The door opens. Godzilla on the TV.

BOWDEN
My God, to have Raymond Burr’s career. They could splice me into a monster movie any day!

GLORIA
I’m sorry you aren’t going to be a theme park voice, Bo.

BOWDEN
Hey, Dr. Starr has my card. It’s all about networking. My time will come.

MACKENZIE
Would you guys be quiet, Mothra is about to torch Antwerp.

SKIP
Antwerp? San Fransisco.

SFX: The door opens.

SKIP
Section Chief Anders!

ZELDA
At ease, Skip.

SKIP
What’s the status on Dr. Snodgrass?

ZELDA
Since Snodgrass didn’t have any actual information to hand over, the agency has decided to find him liable for the costs involved in the operation. We’ve assigned him to a job until the debt is paid off.

GLORIA
What job?

ZELDA
Scientific adviser to the Creation Museum.

BOWDEN
Talk about a life sentence.

ZELDA
A life sentence is exactly why I called this meeting. I’ve just gotten off the phone with the justice department. On the recommendation of Liaison Prescott and with my own endorsement, it’s finally official - Mackenzie McGrath has been pardoned.

SFX: Gasps and cheers.

SKIP
McGrath, you did it!

MACKENZIE (Stunned)
Well, I mean...Zelda...

ZELDA
I had a very little to do with it. Prescott owed you for mind wiping you. More than that...you’ve earned it. Well done, Miss McGrath. You’re a free woman.

SFX: General good will from Skip, Bowden and Gloria.

MACKENZIE (Quietly)
Wow.

MUSIC: End Theme

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Micahel DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie Mcrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcreif, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Lex Hammond and Nancy, and Bob Killion as Archie Grant, Vlad and The Admiral.

Guest starring David S. Dear as Caterer S. Dear, Jord Cobb as Dr. Sabrina Starr, Brandon Wentz as Dr, Harold Snodgrass, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, Raymond Morse as Phillip and Pete Barry as the Toilet.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.

Do you want more Mission Rejected? Every month, all our Patreons get a mission dossier by the episode's author featuring criminal profiles, case background, epilogues and more. If you join at the $5 level or higher, you also get a bonus audio every month ranging from mini-episodes and blooper reels to interviews with the creators. 100% of your support goes to our amazing cast. Join at www.patreon.com/missionrejected

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2020 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. DELAWARE WAREHOUSE

SABRINA
Okay, Golden Globes, we’re going to do this exactly like I planned it. Follow my lead and we’ll both have our names on Main Street windows.

BOWDEN
You got it, Doc. Though...are you sure you’ve got this operational again? And, you know, safe?

SFX: Footsteps approaching

SABRINA
Shh! Here is. Hello, Phillip, good to see you again.

DISNEY EXECUTIVE PHILLIP
I don’t know what I’m doing here, Sabrina. Why did I let an EX employee drag me out to...ugh...Delaware.

SABRINA
Because I know the real reason they closed the Norway ride.

DISNEY EXECUTIVE PHILLIP
Damn you.

SABRINA
Step on board your newest E-ticket. I call it Moonshot Mountain.

DISNEY EXECUTIVE PHILLIP
Not that thing again.

SABRINA
Norway, Phillip.

DISNEY EXECUTIVE PHILLIP
Moonshot Mountain? Sounds great!

SABRINA
Step right in.

SFX: The ride door opens and he gets in. The music starts.

BOWDEN
Welcome, Space Traveler! Remember to pull the lap bar all the way down and to stow any bags, hats or loose items in the bin under your chair. You’re just moments away from becoming Earth’s newest traveler to the moon!

SABRINA
Let’s get this party started.

SFX: Sabrina tosses a switch and...snap. CRUNCH! WHIRRR! Bad things are happening.

SABRINA
Oh no.

BOWDEN
What did you do?

SABRINA
Broke the accelerator. Again.

BOWDEN
You gotta stop this thing!

DISNEY EXECUTIVE PHILLIP (Over Monitor)
What is happening? This is too fast! Sabrina! My BRAINS! OH GOD MY BRAINS! AHHHHHHH!!!

SFX: His screams become unintelligible over the whir of the machine. Sabrina starts banging on the controls with a wrench.

SABRINA (Punctuating each hit)
Please. Remain. Seated. Until. The Ride. Comes. To. A. Complete. STOP.

SFX: With a final whack, the ride comes to a halt. Sabrina opens the door.

BOWDEN
Welcome back, Space Traveler! We...uh...where did he go?

SFX: A splash.

SABRINA
I LIQUEFIED HIM! Okay, that’s DEFINITELY not supposed to happen. Fascinating, though.

BOWDEN
You and I need to part ways.

MUSIC: STINGER

SFX: Slurp.