Season Three, Episode Ten: “THE MAN FROM F.E.L.I.N.E”
TRANSCRIPT

EXT. A HOWLING DESERT

SFX: The Admiral struggles through the sand.

ADMIRAL
Hoooh! Haaah! I have arrived, Mister Doe!

MISTER DOE
OK, I’ll bite... where did you think I wanted you to go this time, Admiral?

ADMIRAL
The desert! Like Abraham of old, but with more mescaline! I shall survive on native cacti! That last one had me seeing such spectacular colors! Octaroon! Light urple!

MISTER DOE
All right, I’ll work with what I’ve got. Trixie? Do your thing.

OCEAN GIRL
This way, Admiral!

ADMIRAL
Of course! I see... an oasis!
(voices from afar)
And I hear friendly voices!

MISTER DOE
They’re waiting for you.

ADMIRAL
I’m coming, friends!

SFX: He scrambles through the sand and stumbles into a freshwater spring -- and suddenly he’s at a pool party! Steel drum music! EVERYONE FROM THE CRUISE SHIP, and MORE, chat amiably.

ADMIRAL
A party! And my word! It’s all my drowned passengers come back to life!

OCEAN GIRL
All for you, Admiral!

ADMIRAL
Why thank you Trixie!

VALERIAN
How have you been, Admiral? It's good to see you.

ADMIRAL
Lt. Valerian! So good to have you back with us.

EL PATO
Admiral!

PEBBLE
Here he is!

ELLIE MAE
He’s here everyone!

TATIANA
More handsome than ever!

OCEAN GIRL
The Cake of Secrets will be out for you to cut any minute! In the meantime, drinks are on the house!

BLAZE
Don’t have to tell me twice!

ADMIRAL
Oh what a wonderful party. Oh, I'm so happy to be here! I've swum in every pool in North America! Why hello! Bartender! A round of Harvey Wallbangers for my friends!

CASSANDRA
Coming right up.

ADMIRAL
What’s that you’re drinking?

CASSANDRA
Oh. That’s my special water.

ADMIRAL
Wait a minute... you weren’t one of my passengers... you’re Cassandra Helsinki! The brilliant but paranoid Wall Street mathematician! Wasn’t someone looking for you?

CASSANDRA
They haven’t caught me yet.

ADMIRAL
Who’s “they”?

SFX: Cassandra smashes a bottle and grabs the Admiral by the lapels!

ADMIRAL
Let go of me!

CASSANDRA
Oh I think we both know who “They” are, Admiral. Ugh!

SFX: Someone grabs Cassandra, releasing the Admiral!

VALERIAN
Get her out of here.

BLAZE
Fuh-getta-bout-it.

CASSANDRA
Get your dirty hands off me!

SFX: The crowd drags her away as she protests.

VALERIAN
Don’t listen to that troublemaker, Admiral. Just keep your eyes open.

OCEAN GIRL
Time for the cake!

SFX: Everyone gathers in excitement.

ADMIRAL
Oh ho ho ho ho, I love a good cake! May I remove the brass dome? Oh please??

SFX: The cake HUMS. An awed HUSH.

OCEAN GIRL
We worked very hard on it.

ELLIE MAE
It’s so... white...

OLGA
So frosted...

TATIANA
It looks like... an island?

ADMIRAL
Yes... it’s a map!

OCEAN GIRL
Time to cut the cake, Admiral! Start here, in the center. Cut deep into the frosting...yes, good, become one with the cake!

SFX: He starts to cut. The cake SQUELCHES.

OLGA
Baker! What is in this cake?

TRIXIE
Oh you know... flour, sugar, elder squid gods...eggs, a little bit of vanillia...

BLAZE
What’s the black stuff? Chocolate?

ADMIRAL
It’s full of...ink...black...ink.

MISTER DOE
That’s right Admiral. Black. Ink.

SFX: Something inside the cake RUMBLES... then ERUPTS!

ALL THE GHOSTS
BLACK INK! BLACK INK!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "The Man from F.E.L.I.N.E."

MUSIC FADES

NOTE: THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE, SKIP SPEAKS THROUGH A VOICE FILTER, LIKE HE’S IN A
HAZMAT SUIT (SPOILER: HE IS)

SFX: Something is skittering around the EMF Conference Room

SKIP
OK, come to Skip, come here now...
(more skittering)
You’re more afraid of me than I am of you, right? Come on, now...

SFX: SOMETHING SKITTERS. SKIP SHRIEKS LIKE A SMALL CHILD.

SKIP
(convincing himself)
You’re more afraid of me than I am of you, you’re more afraid of--

SFX: DOOR OPENS

BOWDEN
Morning, Sk--

SFX: SKIP SHRIEKS AGAIN. THAT MAKES BOWDEN SHRIEK, AND THIS DEVOLVES INTO A BRIEF SHRIEK-OFF.

BOWDEN
WHY ARE WE SHRIEKING?

SKIP
CLOSE THE DOOR, I’LL EXPLAIN!

SFX - DOOR CLOSES. EVERYTHING IS QUIET

BOWDEN
Sorry. I’m still feeling skittish, a little disturbed, even...

SKIP
I understand. Learning the Admiral’s alive, watching Balthazar devolve into a state of mental anguish... it’s knocked us all off our A game.

BOWDEN
Actually I’m disturbed by my audition for “I’m Pretty Sure I Still Know What You Did on Spring Break Before Last Summer”. They’ve handed Ari Aster the keys and HOO BOY. But yes, what you said, too--

SFX - SKITTERING. BOWDEN YELPS BUT STOPS HIMSELF.

BOWDEN
What’s skittering?

SKIP
That would be our mission specialist.

BOWDEN
As odd as that answer is, there’s a larger elephant in the room. Should I be wearing one of... whatever this is that you’re wearing?

SKIP
No. I’ve checked the team’s medical records and only I require a Level A Hazmat suit for this assignment.

BOWDEN
Well. As I remarked when CAA said they’d only rep me if every other actor on Earth dropped dead, ”that’s something, at least.”

SFX - DOOR OPENS

GLORIA
Bowden? Skip? Why is the door--

SFX - THEY GRAB GLORIA AND PULL HER INTO ROOM.

GLORIA
Yikes! Skip, what in the Back to the Future are you wearing?

SKIP
A Level A Hazmat suit.

BOWDEN
Don’t worry. Only he needs one.

GLORIA
See, there’s still a certain baseline level of worry here--

SFX - SKITTERING

GLORIA
Oh my God, what was that?

BOWDEN AND SKIP
Our mission specialist.

GLORIA
Our mission specialist skitters?

SKIP
At times. Take this.

GLORIA
A bag of Friskies?

SKIP
Indeed. Bowden, take this pet taxi. Hold it low and wait. I’m going in. If anything happens to me, there’s a paper taped beneath my upper right desk drawer.

GLORIA
Oh my goodness, is it your will?

SKIP
What? No! It’s the phone number for EMF emergency services.

GLORIA
Oh. OK, that makes more--

SKIP
My will is in a fireproof safe deposit box.

GLORIA
That’s perfectly sensible. I just--

SKIP
What kind of lunatic would keep their will taped under--

GLORIA
I WAS JUST ASKING, SHEESH!

SKIP
Everyone in position?

BOWDEN
I’m like Pete Davidson’s publicist: ready for anything.

SFX - DOOR OPENS

MCGRATH
Gooood morning Skip and Loafers!

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, is that a bag of sushi in your hand?

MCGRATH
Yup! That place on Fifth opens earlier now--

SKIP
MCGRATH, STOP THERE! THE SMELL--

SFX - ABSOLUTE CHAOS, BEGINNING WITH A LOUD FELINE GROWL, THEN A POUNCE, THEN BUGS BUNNY STYLE CACOPHONY OF YELLING, MEOWING, THINGS GETTING KNOCKED OVER, UNTIL IT ENDS WITH A ‘ZIP’ AND A CLICK. AS EVERYONE REGAINS THEIR BREATH...

BOWDEN
Pet taxi locked down! Wow. That was almost as hard as restraining Lea Michelle at the ‘West Side Story’ premiere! NOTE: RECORD ALT LINE TOO

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, are you all right?

MCGRATH
All spring rolls accounted for. What the hell even was that?!

SKIP
Team, meet Agent Stevens.

SFX - MEOW

BOWDEN
We’ve been introduced.

GLORIA
Now, I’m sure you’ve thought this through--

MCGRATH
And through and through and over and under and through again...

GLORIA
But is it wise to plan a mission around a temperamental cat?

BOWDEN
Or in other words, a cat?

SKIP
A fair question, Gloria, but I only have myself to blame for Agent Stevens’ current state. I forgot an essential element of his care.

MCGRATH
Did you feed him after midnight?

SKIP
No. Worse.

SFX - DOOR OPENS, LEGRANGE AND SECTION CHIEF ANDERS ENTER

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Mister Bunnysworth has entered the building! Wow, what a mess! Is Motley Crue on this mission?!

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Just give Agent Stevens his stuffed rabbit, Doctor.

SFX - AS SOON AS LEGRANGE APPEARS, WE HEAR CONTENTED PURRING FROM THE PET TAXI

SKIP
Thank you, Doctor Legrange. I won’t forget Mister Bunnysworth again.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Nobody takes Stevens on a mission and forgets that stuffed bunny.

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Just ask Agent Romero.

SKIP
There is no Agent Romero.

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Not anymore...

MCGRATH
I’m guessing the briefing will explain why our mission depends on a mewling whirlwind of terror?

SKIP
It will, Agent In Training McGrath.

GLORIA
And the hazmat suit?

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Oh I can explain that, Lucy Lawful. In all my years as a medical semi-professional, Agent Granger has the most profound case of Fel-D-1 allergy I’ve seen!

BOWDEN
You’re allergic to our specialist?!

SKIP
I haven’t built a plan around Agent Stevens lightly--

MCGRATH
Hold the phone, AGENT CAT STEVENS?!

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Oh please please please only refer to him as Agent Stevens.

MCGRATH
Why, what’s he gonna--OH HELL NO, GET AWAY FROM THERE!

SFX - A QUICK MEOW AND A KERFUFFLE

MCGRATH
That was a close one, Stevens! That laptop bag was a going away present from Anonymous!

BOWDEN
In all my time with the EMF, I’ve never seen an agent try to pee on a laptop bag before. Wait, have I?

SKIP
Doctor Legrange, would you please remind Agent Stevens where the, er, proper facilities are?

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
On it, happy pants. Yo! Agent Stevens! Litter patrol!

SFX - DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, THE SLIDE PROJECTOR STARTS UP.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Everyone, I know the last few weeks have been devoted to finding the very-much-not-dead Admiral. But this assignment is of the highest urgency and must take precedence.

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR CLICK

SKIP
Team, behold our mission’s raison d’etre.

MCGRATH
What is that thing? Did someone shoplift an Aladdin bath toy from a Disney Shop?

SKIP
No, Agent in Training McGrath, this is the Royal Seal of the sovereign nation of Kuala Takor in the South China Sea. And this is a pamphlet on the EMF’s cultural sensitivity training program.

MCGRATH
Fine. I’ll take your pamphlet, but be honest. You rub that thing three times, a blue Will Smith comes out.

GLORIA
I’ve read every foreign service exam study guide twice and I’ve never even heard of Kuala Takor!

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
They’ve only recently established diplomatic relations with the outside world. For decades, we’ve honored their isolationist philosophy. But with certain superpowers launching naval operations in the South Pacific--

GLORIA
China?

MCGRATH
North Korea?

BOWDEN
A24?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
-- friendly relations with Kuala Takor now offer western nations a strategic advantage.

GLORIA
So what’s the issue with their royal seal?

SKIP
It’s missing.

BOWDEN
And it’s on us to figure out who took it? Well, my detective senses remain honed after our adventure with the Acquaintances reunion...

SKIP
Oh, we know exactly who has it.

BOWDEN
See! I’m that good!

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR ADVANCES

SKIP
Meet Valentinian Dietrich, world renowned art expert. Full professor at Columbia, member of the boards of the MOMA, Met, and Guggenheim. But even with that resume, INTERPOL believes Dietrich has another job.

MCGRATH
Well, yeah, this economy...

SKIP
He’s a prime suspect in every high profile case of art theft in the last twenty years. From the Scotland’s Drumlaring Castle robbery in 2003...
(SFX - CLICK)
... to the Pinacoteca do Estado de Sao Paulo heist in 2008...
(SFX - CLICK)
... to the robbery of Paris’s Museum of Modern Art in 2010, Dietrich is believed to have been involved in each.

GLORIA
And the authorities think this... why?

SKIP
Because while he may be brilliant, Valentinian Dietrich is not subtle.

SFX - A PROJECTOR CLICK

BOWDEN
“The Drumlaring Castle robbery: How I’d Have Done It”, by Valentinian Dietrich...

SFX - A PROJECTOR CLICK

GLORIA
“Pinacoteca do Estado de Sao Paulo: Ways It Could Have Been Robbed”...

SFX - A PROJECTOR CLICK

MCGRATH
“Finders Keepers: Why Paris’s Art Heist Might be a Good Thing”, by V Dietrich... not subtle? This guy’s a bulldozer in Armani!

SKIP
Within weeks of any major art theft, Dietrich self-publishes a book explaining how he, theoretically, would have executed the heist.

GLORIA
So getting away with these robberies isn’t enough; he needs to rub it in the world’s face by self-publishing tell-alls?

BOWDEN
That’s Kardashian-to-the-Paltrow-power self-involvement.

SKIP
(SFX - CLICK)
Last week, this title hit number one on the self-published charts.

MCGRATH
“The Royal Seal of Kuala Takor: I Can’t Believe It Took This Long to be Stolen”. He does need an editor, I’ll say that much.

SKIP
All that said, speculative books do not equal probable cause. And law enforcement’s inability to obtain a warrant to search Dietrich’s home for the Royal Seal has strained our nascent relations with Kuala Takor. They may be a recent addition to the world stage, but they’re not fools. Which leads us to...

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR CLICK

SKIP
... this building on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, in whose penthouse Dietrich resides. Recently, he hired an internationally renowned security firm to build this within that penthouse...
(SFX - CLICK)
A completely impregnable vault.

MCGRATH
Like, how impregnable? Motion sensing cameras? Floor sensors?

SKIP
Ha! Nothing so pedestrian.

BOWDEN
Temperature scans that identify any object as warm as a human body?

SKIP
Your naivety makes Dietrich laugh, then cry, then laugh again.

ALL
HOW’S IT WORK?!?!

SKIP
This vault constantly measures the volume of air it contains. If anything displaces more than a single cubic foot of atmosphere...

SFX - CLICK, THEN ALARMS, THEN SLAMMING DOORS

BOWDEN
I’m going to make the logical leap that we believe this vault contains the Royal Seal.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
More of a shuffle than a leap, but yes.

MCGRATH
How do we get into a vault without displacing a cubic foot of air?

SFX - DOOR OPENS. CAT STEVENS MEOWS.

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Man alive, you ever see one of these things pee? Where do they keep it all! Their bodies aren’t even a cubic foot in mass!

SKIP
Team, we’re not getting into that vault; Agent Stevens is.

GLORIA
(after a beat)
Yeah. I have a question--

BOWDEN AND MCGRATH
A question?

SKIP
All will be clear once I’ve demonstrated Agent Steven’s skills.

MCGRATH
I think he almost demonstrated those on my laptop bag.

SKIP
Agent Stevens. The passcode is paprika. Now leap to the table.

SFX - A CAT LEAPS ONTO A TABLE.

MCGRATH
Holy cow, that cat is--

SFX: Stevens GROWLS

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
CALL HIM AGENT STEVENS, PLEASE.

SKIP
Move along the right edge. Right edge. Move. Now stop.

MCGRATH
He’s listening! To Skip!

SKIP
Her certainly is. Inside my hazmat suit, I’m wearing a communications harness that sends my words as vibrations into the bones of Agent Steven’s ears. And thanks to Doctor Legrange’s training program...

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
Patent pending in Moldova!

SKIP
... he can follow a range of instructions once activated by his code word, paprika.

GLORIA
Could you do the same for Bowden?

BOWDEN
A low blow, Gloria.

GLORIA
Oh? So you did change the light bulbs in the master bathroom?

BOWDEN
Low, but fair.

SKIP
Agent Stevens; retrieve what’s in front of you.
(SFX - A MEOW, THEN SOMETHING GETS PICKED UP)
Now bring it to me.

SFX - PITTER PATTER OF CAT FEET, THEN SOMETHING GETS DROPPED INTO SKIP’S HAND

SKIP
Well done, Agent Stevens. Go play with Mister Bunnysworth now.

SFX - CONTENTED MEWLING AND A CHEW TOY SQUEAKING

GLORIA
Now that he’s occupied, I simply must ask, what’s the big deal with calling Agent Stevens a cat?

SFX - ENRAGED MEOWING!

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
STEVENS! FOCUS ON THE BUNNY!
(he calms down)
Simple. Agent Stevens hates cats.

BOWDEN
Let’s unpack that, shall we?

SKIP
Doctor Legrange raised Agent Stevens from birth, even bottle feeding him during infancy.

DOCTOR LEGRANGE
The first time he ever saw another cat, he was five years old. Let’s just say that was not a serene day at the Petco.

GLORIA
So... he doesn’t know he’s a cat?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
He thinks he’s as human as you or I.

BOWDEN
That’s actually the most cat-like thing I’ve ever heard.

MCGRATH
As interesting as this fur baby fantasy may be, how do we get...
(SFX - STEVENS MEOWS)
Agent Stevens...
(SFX - STEVENS PURRS)
into the vault? Won’t the building have its own security?

SKIP
(SFX - CLICK)
Indeed, and here is all the information we have on it. Can you code a virus that will disrupt this network for at least two minutes?

MCGRATH
Are hairballs nasty? Hells yeah.

BOWDEN
Now we just need a way into the vault.

SFX - CLICK

GLORIA
Oooh! Whatever that is, it’s shiny!

SKIP
I knew you’d love it on sight. That’s a Rittinger Diamond Edged steel saw, Gloria, and I’ve left one by your desk. With the building’s security network down, you’ll have just a few seconds to cut a hole in the vault that Agent Stevens can crawl through.

BOWDEN
There’s a statue of Prescott in the lobby you can practice on.

SKIP
Once he’s in, Agent in Training McGrath will guide him to the seal.

MCGRATH
Me? Why do I get to play hungry hungry kleptos with a four legged personality disorder?

SKIP
I can’t be that close to Agent Stevens outside of my hazmat suit. And we’ll need your expertise if anything goes awry with the communications gear. Which it won't.

BOWDEN
I suppose all we need now is a way to introduce McGrath’s virus into the building’s security network.

SKIP
I’m glad you mentioned that, Bowden... have you ever considered a career in publishing?

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. DIETRICH'S PENTHOUSE

SFX: Soft classical music plays. Bowden is pushing his way through the door to the penthouse. He adopts a "wheeler dealer" type voice.

BOWDEN
Mister Dietrich.

DIETRICH'S BUTLER
What?

BOWDEN
Valentinian. Val. Can I call you Val?

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
See here, Mister...

BOWDEN
Kinsley, Burt Kinsley of Limberman Publishing! You know our motto--

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
I’m quite certain I do not even know your company!

BOWDEN
We’re the finest boutique publishing firm specializing in speculative crime fiction! For crime stories too good to be true, go out on a Limberman!

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
I bet you thought of that all by yourself.

BOWDEN
Nice sofa! IKEA? Pier One?

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
WATCH YOUR FEET, THAT IS A PEUGEOT!

BOWDEN
A Peugeot, eh? Manual or automatic!
(LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE)
Oh, a little furniture humor always passes the time. Now. Val. Vee. Vee-dog. Can I call you Vee-dog?

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
You haven’t received consent for Val! AND I’M--

BOWDEN
You’re headed for the big time, vee-swizzle! Conversations are going to move fast, you need to keep up--

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
I AM NOT MISTER DIETRICH.

BOWDEN
Talk about burying the lede, bub!

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
I am Mister Dietrich’s personal attache. He insists upon a thorough screening of all callers.

BOWDEN
You tell Vee-swizzle I’m not a caller. I’m a calling. I’ve read his book about the Royal Seal of Kuala Takor, and I’m prepared to make him an offer he can’t refuse.

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
As a glance around this room will tell you, Mister Dietrich wants for neither money nor station.

BOWDEN
He doesn’t want for... but does he want more?

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
(after a beat)
Wait here. Touch nothing.

SFX - DOOR CLOSES

BOWDEN
Team, this is Skimbleshanks Cat, I’m in.

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
You actors, always improvising. What was that motto again?

BOWDEN
“For crime stories too good to be true...”

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION - WE’RE IN A CONTROL VAN OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. McGrath types hurredly on her laptop.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
“... go out on a Limberman”. Improvisation is an essential, difficult skill, Grumpy Cat.

MCGRATH
It’s making crap up on the fly, that’s what hackers do all day. I just hope I can update the fake Limberman Publishing website with your motto to bolster your story.
Now, you remember where to access the building’s security panel?

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
In Dietrich’s office. Do you really think you can update the website--

MCGRATH
Not if you keep bothering me! Grumpy Cat out!

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, is there anything I can do to help you update the site?

MCGRATH
I did it three minutes ago. I just wanted to scare Bowden back on script.
(SFX - A MEOW)
Get your eyes off my laptop bag.

NOTE: SKIP’S STILL IN THE SUIT

SKIP
Agent Stevens, Paprika! Move towards Mister Bunnysworth!

SFX: MEOWS MOVE AWAY

MCGRATH
Yeah that’s right, mewl away...

SKIP
Gloria, you’ve been practicing with the Rittinger steel saw?

GLORIA
Oh yes! My time to cut through two inches of steel is down to fifteen seconds. Though I am now banned from Home Depot.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
This is Skimbleshanks, I’m about to make contact with Rum-Tum-Tugger. Over.

GLORIA
You really enjoyed the code names this time around, didn’t you?

SKIP
I find pleasure in my work.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO THE PENTHOUSE. THE DOORS OPEN.

DIETRICH
Mister Burt Kinsley of Limberman Publishing, I presume.

BOWDEN
And you must be the man of the hour, the top dog, the big cheese, honcho numero uno --

DIETRICH
Careful, Mister Kinsley. Lay it on too thick and you can paint yourself into a corner.
(SFX - TAP TAP)
Here’s you website, Limberman True Crime Publishing. For crime stories too good to be true...

BOWDEN
Go out on a Limberman!

DIETRICH
Now, Mister Kinsley--

BOWDEN
Call me Bert. And may I call you--

DIETRICH
Doctor Dietrich.

BOWDEN
Aww, but Valentinian just rolls of the tongue! And it’s so weirdly European and spooky at once, like if Tilda Swinton had to name a dog!

DIETRICH
I’m a busy man...

BOWDEN
So I’ll cut right to the chase. Or, in your case, heist. We’ve been following your adventures in self-published speculation, these heist books of yours. And we think they’re just a hoot and half.

DIETRICH
Well, thank you. I’d have felt slighted were it not for the half.

BOWDEN
You’re latest little dandy, about the Royal Emblem of something or--

DIETRICH
The Royal Seal of Kuala Takor. A most impressive piece of--

BOWDEN
--purely speculative fiction, yes! It just boggles the mind how a fella like yourself, ensconced all the way out here at the highest levels of heuty-teuty-dom, could imagine such a heist so fully!

DIETRICH
Yes. Imagination. A wondrous thing.

BOWDEN
We want to offer you a deal to write The ‘How I’d Have Done It’ historical series!

DIETRICH
This conversation has taken a shocking turn towards the interesting. Bert... would you like to come into my office?

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO AN ALLEYWAY. WE HEAR SOFT, SUPPRESSED MEWLING

MCGRATH
Yeah, well, I’m not crazy about having to carry you in this thing, so we are where we are!

GLORIA
O’Malley, this is Garfield, Grumpy Cat and I are in position outside the building’s service entrance.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
And how is our specialist?

SFX - MISTER BUNNYSWORTH SQUEAKS. STEVENS PURRS.

SFX - BACK TO THE VAN. SKIP IS RUNNING A DUSTBUSTER, STILL IN HIS HAZMAT SUIT

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Placated by a bunny. We should get one of these for Zelda.

SKIP
Be ready for the go sign--

GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Are you running a dustbuster?!

SKIP
Don’t be ridiculous! This is a Dyson handheld point-oh-oh-three micron air purifier! If I took this suit off in a van loaded with cat dander after running a dustbuster, it’d look like the opening scene of Total Recall!

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Are you getting the rundown about the dustbuster? I made the mistake of asking too--

SKIP
IT’S NOT A-- hold on, Skimbleshanks cat is in the litter box. Repeat, Skimbleshanks cat is in the litter box--

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
I’m begging you to just call it Dietrich’s office.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO DIETRICH’S OFFICE

BOWDEN
This is quite an office! Mahogany?

DIETRICH
Straight from the Brazilian rain forest. It’s much more useful here.

BOWDEN
Is this a Faberge Egg?

DIETRICH
The Alexander the Third Commemorative egg, lost during the Revolution. You know your art.

BOWDEN
I know my Bond movie Macguffins, pretty much the same thing.

DIETRICH
Any idea what this is?

BOWDEN
A..... boat!

DIETRICH
Storm on the Sea of Galilee, by Rembrandt. His only seascape. Here’s Vermeer’s The Concert, Caravaggio’s Nativity... all works thought lost to the world. But quite the opposite. They’re home.

BOWDEN
So wait. You’re telling me these are all long lost artworks?

DIETRICH
Worth millions.

BOWDEN
And you just... have them?

DIETRICH
Is there somewhere else they should be? I’ve spent a life curating art. Learning the reason behind every brush stroke, the elation in every color choice, every decision to hide, or reveal, or twist. All for tourists to gape at. For rich fools to sip champagne in front of. For so-called scholars to publish barely researched mockeries of. No, these works belong with someone who deserves them.

BOWDEN
Wow, you really are the man for this job.

DIETRICH
I usually am.

BOWDEN
So here's the pitch. We take the greatest unsolved crimes and write a book about each! We lay out the facts, the suspects, the clues. Then you use that imagination of yours to guess how the actual brilliant criminal pulled it off!

DIETRICH
The actual brilliant criminal.

BOWDEN
Well that's your thing! Speculating fancifully about how real geniuses pull off impossible heists!

DIETRICH
Bert, wait here just a moment.

SFX - DOOR CLOSES

BOWDEN
O'Malley, this is Skimbleshanks, I played on his ego and it worked. I’m going to plant the virus in the security-- wait, where’s the panel again?

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Northwest corner of the office.

BOWDEN
Oh Great Muppet Caper, he's hung a priceless Vermeer in front of it!

GLORIA (OVER COMMS)
Darn! Though I'm impressed you recognized it.

BOWDEN
No, he monologued about it.

ALL (OVER COMMS)
UGH, THE WORST!

BOWDEN
I can lift it off the panel.

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Now attach the adapter.

BOWDEN
Tricky with one hand...

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
That's what she... oh I can't even.

BOWDEN
Done.

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Slip the USB drive with the virus into the adapter.

BOWDEN
Wait, I've got the USB upside down.

MCGRATH (OVER COMMS)
Hurry!

BOWDEN
No, wait, I had it right the first time.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
BOWDEN THIS IS NO TIME FOR A COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE USB HASSLE!

SFX - CLICK

BOWDEN
Got it!
(SFX - FOOTSTEPS)
He's coming back! I have to put the painting--

SFX - RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Did something rip?

BOWDEN
Uhh...Tabby out!

SFX - CLICK. THEN A DOOR OPENS.

DIETRICH
My apologies, Bert, I had to retrieve some keys from my butler. Let’s walk, shall we?

BOWDEN
YES, LET’S. OUT OF HERE.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. THE VAN.

SFX: CLICK! THE HAZMAT HELMET COMES OFF

SKIP
Ohhh sweet freedom. McGrath’s right, that shampoo/conditioner combo is not doing it--
(SFX- BEEP)
Grumpy Cat and Garfield, the virus is active!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE ALLEY

MCGRATH
Copy that. Door open, we’re moving--

SFX - THEY’RE MOVING. SFX OVER THE FOLLOWING MATCH THE ACTION
MUSIC: ACTION THEME

GLORIA
Elevator accessed, en route to the penthouse.

MCGRATH
One hundred fifteen seconds, let’s get that elevator roof hatch--

GLORIA
Opened. Boost me.

MCGRATH
Done, now lift me--

GLORIA
Don’t forget Stevens...

MCGRATH
Don’t tempt me. We’re on the elevator roof... 100 seconds...

SFX - ELEVATOR STOPS

GLORIA
Moving into the air ducts... the vault abuts the ductwork... here.
(SFX - THE SAW FIRES UP)
I need fifteen seconds, also known as just long enough to caught by Eugene at Home Depot--

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Hold on, Garfield: Skimbleshanks just switched on comms.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

MCGRATH
What? Why would he...

SFX - OVER COMMS, WE HEAR A HUGE METAL DOOR UNLOCK

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
Is this a vault of some sort?

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
I like to call this my... private collection.

MCGRATH
(softly)
Kill the saw! Dietrich’s bringing Bowden into the vault!

GLORIA
(softly)
But we’ve only got 90 seconds till security comes back online!

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
Now tell me again...

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION INTO THE VAULT

DIETRICH
... exactly how you think I write my books.

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
You use your vivid imagination to recreate the... brilliant plans... say, is that the, um, Royal Seal--

DIETRICH
--of Kuala Takor. Removed from its previous location a few short weeks ago. Now home where it belongs.

BOWDEN
You say removed, I think the word you're looking for is stole.

DIETRICH
No, I think of myself as the rightful owner of all great art.

BOWDEN
Are you sure you're not an actor?

DIETRICH
Maybe I am. After all, I did a good job pretending to believe you were a publisher.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE AIR DUCT

GLORIA
Bowden's cover is blown!

BOWDEN (OVER COMMS)
...see here, I'm Bert Kinsley! Senior Executive VP for Sales--

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
Please, Mister whoever you are, these business cards are fakes. Good, but fakes nonetheless--

MCGRATH
(softly)
It’s OK, we've got 60 seconds...

DIETRICH’S BUTLER (OVER COMMS)
Mister Dietrich! There’s a hole in your priceless Vermeer!

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
WHAT?

DIETRICH’S BUTLER (OVER COMMS)
And there’s some sort of device sticking out of the panel behind--

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
That’s building security! Show me!

SFX - DIETRICH DRAGS BOWDEN OFF

MCGRATH
Did I say 60 seconds? I meant 10.

SFX - Meow

SFX - SAW STARTS UP AGAIN

GLORIA
I’m envisioning carving up that statue of Prescott.
(SFX - SAW WINDS DOWN)
We’re in.

SFX - ELECTRIC HUMMING WARMS UP

MCGRATH
Nice timing, security is back online. I'll handle our fuzzy burglar, you go spring Bo.

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
Gloria, I’ve got the schematic of the building here, I’ll guide you to Dietrich’s office.

GLORIA
And then what?

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
We’ll reassess based on new intel.

GLORIA
We’re winging it then?

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
I prefer my verbiage but absolutely.

MCGRATH
Codeword Paprika. Agent Stevens, wave bye to Garfield.

SFX - A MEOW THAT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE A BYE BYE.

GLORIA
All right. Good luck.

SFX - GLORIA CRAWLS AWAY

MCGRATH
You and me, Stevens. We pull this off I’ll take you to the best sushi joint in town.

SFX - GLORIA’S CRAWLING

SKIP (OVER COMMS)
At the next junction, turn left.

GLORIA
Got it. Hold on!

BOWDEN (BELOW)
--just call my office, they’ll tell you I’m exactly who I say I am!

DIETRICH (BELOW)
Yes, I’m sure it’ll go right through to a compatriot of yours.

GLORIA
I must be right above Bo!

BOWDEN (BELOW)
Fine, look up Limberman Publishing on Google or the yellow pages or--

DIETRICH (BELOW)
I’m looking at your company’s online presence now. Too bad for you I know how to query a DNS server. All of these records were created this morning.

GLORIA
This might be the sharpest tack we’ve ever been asked to nail down.

SKIP
True, but as long as he doesn’t look for Bowden’s comms device--

DIETRICH (BELOW)
Check our guest for a comms device, Jeeves.

DIETRICH’S BUTLER (A BIT AWAY)
Here’s one, sir. State of the art.

DIETRICH (A BIT AWAY)
Hand me that.

SKIP
Oh no.

DIETRICH (OVER COMMS)
To whoever’s listening in, before you switch off your devices to prevent me from zeroing in on your frequency, know that you will never get the best of Valentinian Dietr--

SFX - CLICK

SKIP
Oh no. My team’s inside that building, we’re --

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

GLORIA
--shut off from each other, Bowden’s captured, and--

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

MCGRATH
Here I am stuck with you.
(SFX - A MEOW)
Well, we can still do our job. Paprika. Go through the hole!
(SFX - SCURRYING)
Son of a... well, that phrase doesn’t apply, does it? Activating the video feed. Agent Stevens, look around. there’s the Royal Seal. Back to business. Agent Stevens, move forward... that’s it, good, now grab what’s in front of you. Oh, you’re earning that sashimi! Now bring it back--oh no... no no no, not a mirror!
(SFX - STEVENS HISSES)
Agent Stevens, relax, what you see isn’t a cat, it’s--
(SFX - LOUDER HISSING)
Did I say cat, I didn’t mean cat, WHY CAN’T I STOP SAYING CAT--
(SFX - STEVENS LOSES IT)
Calm down! Codephrase Paprika! PAPRIKA or so help me God I’ll make you into the world’s smallest rug!

SFX - IT’S NOT HELPING, AGENT STEVENS IS NOW KNOCKING EVERYTHING IN THE VAULT OVER

MCGRATH
Hold on, where’s... OH GLORIA, YOU TOOK BUNNYSWORTH!?!

SFX - AGENT STEVENS LEAPS INTO THE AIR SHAFT AND SCURRIES AWAY, MEWLING. MCGRATH CATCHES HER BREATH AND BEGINS TO CRAWL AFTER STEVENS.

INT. BUILDING LOBBY.

SECURITY SAM
Sir, how can I assist you?

SKIP
(Sam the Eagle)
Good evening, is this the residence of Valentinian--

SECURITY SAM
Are you mocking me?

SKIP
What? I wouldn’t dream of--

SECURITY SAM
I’ll have you know I suffer from a rare condition, Monotonitis, that allows me to only utter sounds within a point-ten octave range.

SKIP
That must be a very daunting--

SECURITY SAM
I MUST INSIST YOU STOP MOCKING MY CONDITION.

SKIP
GOOD SIR I AM NOT MOCKING YOU...
(soft, as himself)
OK, Skip, deep breaths. For once in your life, improvise believably!
(completely monotone)
I come from Limberman Publishing here to explain the newness of our company’s registries to Mister Val--

SFX - SECURITY SAM TAZES SKIP. DOWN HE GOES.

SECURITY SAM
I once harbored dreams of singing opera! Your tomfoolery must be punished for reopening those scars!

SKIP
(dazed)
Ow... I need to keep my keys in a different pocket...

SFX - TRANSITION

INT. THE AIR VENTS.

SFX: MEWLING AND SCURRYING, WE’RE FOLLOWING AGENT STEVENS

GLORIA
Agent Stevens! What are you doing here!? YOU’VE GOT THE SEAL! Great! Now just stay with me, I’ve got to rescue Bowden...

DIETRICH’S BUTLER (BELOW)
When it rains it pours, Mister Dietrich. Security reports another intruder claiming to be from Limberman Publishing.

GLORIA
Oh no! That can only be Skip or...

SFX - HURRIED ARMY CRAWLING AS MCGRATH ARRIVES

MCGRATH
My God, cats are fast!

SFX - ANGRY MEWLING

GLORIA
Oh, and Agent Stevens is fast too!

MCGRATH
Yeah, yeah, thanks for stopping the felonious fuzzball, just give him the flippin’ bunny.

GLORIA
Ooh sure! Here’s Bunnysworth!

MCGRATH
We’d better get him back to Skip--

SFX - METAL BEGINS TO CREAK

MCGRATH
What’s that?

GLORIA
Sounds like metal straining--

SFX - IT’S GETTING WORSE

GLORIA
As if this air vent weren’t designed to hold two full-grown women.

SFX - ANGRY CAT

GLORIA
Oh. And an, um... a Stevens.
(SFX - CREEEEEAK)
Miss McGrath, we need to stay PERFECTLY still.

SFX - TRANSITON

INT. DIETRICH'S PENTHOUSE

DIETRICH'S BUTLER
Come on, you!

SKIP
(still Sam the Eagle)
Sir, this is an outrage, unhand me, Limberman Publishing’s board will hear of this--

DIETRICH
Oh, EVERYONE is going to hear about this. JEEVES! Get the camera! (Back to them) To my office. MARCH. I feel like streaming.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. DIETRICH’S OFFICE.

SFX: CLICK. WE HEAR A MACHINE WHIR TO LIFE. ALSO, HANDCUFFS CLINKING.

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
I’ve got video. We’re live on Twitch, Periscope, YouTube, Restream, and all other major streaming platforms.

BOWDEN
Any luck picking these handcuffs, Skip?

SKIP
No. Dietrich doesn’t skimp on art or restraints, I doubt even Gloria could beat these.

SFX: Dietrich uses a Velcro harness to strap a camera to his chest.

BOWDEN
Are you streaming live from that GoPro attached to your chest?

DIETRICH
Of course! This is a story of international importance! Pause the stream, Jeeves.

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
Paused, sir.

BOWDEN
That’s a bold choice for a criminal trying to keep a cloak of anonymity around his crimes.

DIETRICH
Ah, but this is an exercise in bold choices. Jeeves tells me the Royal Seal is missing. Clearly, you pilfered it while ‘Bert’ acted as a decoy. So now choose. Return the Seal, or I’ll expose you as bumbling thieves who not only tried to steal my Vermeer, but destroyed it in the process.

SKIP
I knew I heard a rip!

BOWDEN
So. You’d be a hero!

DIETRICH
And no one will ever suspect me of a heist ever again. Stealing art will be a walk in George Seurat’s park!

SKIP
Do your worst, Dietrich. You may have bested us at every turn, but this show isn’t over until the female identifying performer with the highest body mass, which by the way is not a valid indicator of health, has sung.

DIETRICH
Jeeves, unpause!

DIETRICH'S BUTLER
Yes, sir!

SFX - BEEP

DIETRICH
Ladies and gentlemen. I am Valentinian Dietrich, and I’ve a story to share. Turn your attention to these brazen criminals. I don’t know the names of this motley assortment of filth, nor do I care to. But I do know--AAAA CHOOO!

SKIP AND BOWDEN
Bless you.

DIETRICH
(Suddenly very sneezy)
Jeeves! Have you been petting Mrs. Elliot’s little furball again? YOU (Sneeze) KNOW (Sneeze) I’M ALLERIC.

SKIP AND BOWDEN
To what?

DIETRICH
(GIANT SNEEZE)
To cats!

SFX - AT THE WORD “CATS” WE HEAR AGENT STEVENS GO BALLISTIC IN THE AIR DUCT. CRASH! STEVENS, GLORIA AND MCGRATH FALL INTO DIETRICH’S OFFICE.

GLORIA
Hi, guys. Thought we’d drop in.

MCGRATH
Paprika! GET THE KEYS!

SFX - A MEWL, THEN A CAT LANDS ON A DESK

SFX - FURIOUS MEWLING. DIETRICH STARTS TO SNEEZE AS DIETRICH’S BUTLER CRIES OUT AS STEVENS ATTACKS HIM.

DIETRICH'S BUTLER
Sir, it's a cat!

SKIP
(getting congested)
Oh criminy crackers, Jeeves called him a cat! Now I called him a cat! Oh no!

MCGRATH
STEVENS! THINK OF THE SASHIMI! NOW COME! Skip, hold your breath, dander incoming!

SFX - SKIP SNEEZES AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH AS WE HEAR A CONTENT MEOW, THEN LITTLE PAWS PATTER AS STEVENS BRINGS MCGRATH THE KEYS

BOWDEN
And they say never work with animals.

MCGRATH
Bowden’s free. Skip, your turn--

DIETRICH
AH-CHOO! Stop them!

DIETRICH’S BUTLER
On it sir--

GLORIA
Hi-Keeba!

SFX - KARATE CHOP, JEEVES GOES DOWN

GLORIA
You’re on the floor is what you’re on. Ha.

SFX - CLICK

SKIP
We’re all free!
(SFX - SNEEZE)
EXCEPT I STILL SHOULDN’T BREATHE!

SFX - HOLDS HIS BREATH

DIETRICH
I have to--AH-CHOO--get away from this ca--ca--AH-CHOO! CAT!

SFX - MEWL OF VIOLENCE, THEN STEVENS THRASHES DIETRICH

MCGRATH
AW, YOU GONNA LEARN, SON!

DIETRICH
(SFX - SNEEZING FIT)
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

SFX - DIETRICH RUNS OFF

BOWDEN
He’s heading for his vault!

SKIP
Good! We’ve got Dietrich AH-CHOO cornered, we can’t AH-CHOO let him get aw-CHOO!

MCGRATH
SKIP, WAIT!

SFX - SKIP RUNS AFTER DIETRICH. WE HEAR DIETRICH SWING THE VAULT DOOR OPEN, THE MEWLING STEVENS STILL CHASING HIM

DIETRICH
Have to hide in my vault... AH-AH--

SKIP
NOT SO FAST... AH-AH-AH--

SFX - THE VAULT DOOR SLAMS SHUT

DIETRICH
Didn’t think this through, did you! Now we’re both trapped in here with this...BEAST. (Sneeze)

SFX - MEOW

SKIP
Very true. Trapped in your vault full of stolen masterpieces. (Sneeze)

DIETRICH
Your word against mine, no one will believe you!

SKIP
But they do believe Twitch. (Sneeze) And Periscope, YouTube, Restream...

DIETRICH
What... OH GOD, THE LIVE FEED!

SFX - SIRENS APPROACHING

SKIP
Ahh, good to know the NYPD does monitor twitch streams.

DIETRICH
TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF--AH-CHOO! YOU DAMN CAT!

SKIP
NO NEVER SAY CAT!

SFX - STEVENS GOES NUTS. SKIP AND DIETRICH SNEEZE AS THE CAT ATTACKS THEM.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC.

INT. DIETRICH'S OFFICE

SFX - Sirens. Police shuffle in and out, cataloging the crime scene.

POLICE DETECTIVE
Keep counting, boys, there’s enough stolen merch here we’ll be able to put in for days of overtime!

GLORIA
I’m impressed with how fast all these NYPD detectives arrived!

MCGRATH
Billy Joel is playing Madison Square Garden tonight, so they were all already in the same place.

SECURITY SAM
Excuse me, folks, just wanted to apologize for the difficulties earlier...

BOWDEN
Oh, you were just doing your job.

SECURITY SAM
And you, sir, you’ll be OK?

NOTE: FOR THE REST OF THE SCENE SKIP IS TRYING TO TALK THROUGH AN INCREDIBLY SWOLLEN FACE

SKIP
Thank you, I’ll be fine once the fexophenadine kicks in.

SFX - MEOW

MCGRATH
I think Agent Stevens is saying sorry, Skip.

SKIP
Tell him I’m not talking to him until the swelling subsides.

SFX - Zelda approaches

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
All right... who wants to begin?

MCGRATH
Wants to, or is willing to...

SKIP
I claim full responsi--

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Please, someone with clear sinuses who doesn’t look like he just went 15 with Apollo Creed.

GLORIA
It’s simple, actually. The target tried to take refuge in this vault of stolen antiquities.

BOWDEN
But two agents were able to make it inside said vault before Dietrich could close it.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
And I presume these two agents had a total of six legs between them?

GLORIA
That would be accurate.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
And one of these agents, the one accounting for the greater limb percentage, didn’t take kindly to being shut up in this vault?

BOWDEN
Or called a, er... c-a-t.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
And this is all just a nice way of saying that over the course of this mission, Agent Stevens either tore, chewed, or urinated on a grand total of 35 million dollars worth of art?

GLORIA
Not exactly... there was that one piece he just threw up on.

SFX - AGENT STEVENS COUGHS UP A HAIRBALL

SKIP
Make that two pieces.

SFX - McGrath jingles Mr. Bunnysworth.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS
Agent in Training McGrath, why are you offering me Mister Bunnysworth?

MCGRATH
OK, scratch that theory, guys, the bunny doesn’t work on Z.

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and Pete Barry, and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Mr. Doe and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl and Athena O'Brien, Jill Ivey as Elle Mae Sederstrom and Cassandra Helsinki, and Bob Killion as Security Guy and The Admiral

Guest Starring Natty Leach as Lt. Valerian, Jose Maria Bejarano as El Pato, Jackie Sherman as Tatiana, Dustin Karrat as Blaze Taggert, Anne Coleman as Olga, Devin Plantamura as Pebble, Karen Yang as Dr. Karol Legrange, Pete Barry as Jeeves and Lee Shackleford as Valentinian Dietrich.

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry

Do you like awake at night, the burning questions of our age swirling in your head: How old is Bowden? How do they come up with these plots? How many potatoes CAN you fit in a pillow case? Potatoes? Realy? You know, these racisit digs at my heritage are just a bridge too far. These questions and many others are always under discussion on our Discord server! Follow the link in the show notes to join in the discussion.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

MUSIC FADES

INT. DARK BASEMENT - NO DEFINITE TIME

SFX - Chet solders electronics together, muttering to himself and laughing. He dials on his satphone.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Okay, okay, I got your New Year’s message, it was very touching, now quit stalking me.

CHET
You called me first, remember?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
What, on the bus?

CHET
You sent me right into Muldrake’s waiting clutches.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Listen, I was doing you a favor.

CHET
My life has become a cosmic joke. Four months hunting crazy person number one...

SFX: He pushes play on a tape recorder:

ADMIRAL (ON TAPE)
Brothers and sisters in Zeerox, I bid you fond returns...

CHET
...on behalf of crazy person number two.

Click.

MULDRAKE (ON TAPE)
The Admiral hasn't found what he's looking for...but I have.

SFX - Click.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Oh, put on your big boy pants, Chetty Wetty. You think you’re the only one with problems? I’m with Muldrake. I’m at their stupid fortress in the middle of -

CHET
Where?

ATHENA
...the middle of nowhere. Where are you?

CHET
At an abandoned EMF lab in Taipei. I needed to pick up a few unique pieces of tech.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Shouldn’t you be out on one of Muldrake’s little errands? Trying to...you know...

CHET
Prevent the Admiral from unleashing an alien giant squid upon humanity? I read Watchmen. It was stupid then and it's stupider now.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
What do you want, Chet?

CHET
You and me are going take command of this situation. We’re gonna work together to figure out exactly what the hell is really going on.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Why would I team up with you again?

CHET
You teamed up with Muldrake, and they’re certifiable.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
You don’t know that.

CHET
Don’t tell me you believe this alien invasion fantasy, where Muldrake is Earth’s last defense?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
I don’t but... Muldrake showed me data. Good data. Did they tell you about that military project, Black Ink?

CHET
Every paranoid detail.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
What if they’re not crazy? I mean...I mean...you know...completely?

CHET
Do you know who Muldrake is?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
No, they stay up in their frigging master bedroom or whatever and talk on the intercom. It's demeaning and disgusting. My dad’s been here for a year and he’s still never seen them.

CHET
Would you like to know?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
...sure.

SFX: Chet plays the tape.

MULDRAKE (ON TAPE)
The Admiral hasn't found what he's looking for...

CHET
Apply a little EMF magic, and...

SFX -He twiddles the device he’s built...and STRIPS AWAY MULDRAKE’S VOCAL FILTER!

CASSANDRA HELSINKI (ON TAPE)
Agent Phillips everything you never wanted to know...about Zeerox.

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
Is that...Casandra Helsinki? Isn't she that delusional mathematician who thought Skip Granger and company were AILENS that time they fell through her ceiling?

CHET
Does that mean you’re on board?

ATHENA (ON PHONE)
What’s the plan...partner?

CASSANDRA HELSINKI (ON TAPE)
...about Zeerox.

MUSIC: STINGER