Season Three, Episode Eleven: “YOURS TRULY, SKIP GRANGER”
TRANSCRIPT

MUSIC: OPENING TITLE

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Yours Truly, Skip Granger.”

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT

SFX: A scratchy, old-time radio tunes in. Dramatic organ music.

OLD TIMEY BAD GUY (ON RADIO)
Who’s there? Show yourself! I ain’t afraid of nothing!

ORSON WELLS (ON RADIO)
Oh no? Not even of...THE SPECTRE?

OLD TIMEY BAD GUY (ON RADIO)
NOT THE SPECTRE!

ORSON WELLS (ON RADIO)
Yes, you quivering coward! Feel the chill of Birdseye Flash Frozen Peas!

SFX: Door bell, radio off.

SKIP
Thank goodness. They’re here.

SFX: Skip opens the door.

BOWDEN
Skip, we got your message. We were in the middle of binging Succession. They say Jeremy Strong is method, but did he ever spend a whole weekend AS a french fry? Because I HAVE.

SKIP
Bowden! Gloria! Thank goodness you’re here, come in, come in. I was just listening to some old time radio.

GLORIA
I’ll take it. It’s our third rewatch. I think Bowden is trying to Inception himself into Brian Cox. But you didn't call us to your apartment to listen to the radio. What’s going on?

SKIP
Revelations. The past is speaking to us.

BOWDEN
Is Shirley MacLaine here this evening?

SFX: Kitchen door

MACKENZIE
Hey gang. I made coffee.

SKIP
What an excellent idea, McGrath!

MACKENZIE
Oh no. Nobody needs Coffee Skip at this hour. I got you a plain seltzer.

SKIP
Oooh, bubbles!

SFX: The door flies open.

ZELDA
(Seething)
Skip. Granger.

SKIP
Section Chief!

ZELDA
Do you know where I’m supposed to be right now? On a moonlight cruise with my wife. Our first date night in over a year. I swear, if this isn’t a world ending emergency, I will eat your soul.

MACKENZIE
Coffee.

ZELDA
God bless you.

SFX: Footsteps entering

MISSION VOICE
Good evening, agents.

GLORIA
What are you doing here?

MISSION VOICE
I was told there would be punch and pie.

SKIP
Thank you all for coming. As you know, ever since the EMF was reconstituted, I have been using my spare time to try and restore the many decades of case files that were damaged when Athena destroyed our old HQ. I came across this file from 1957.

ZELDA
The EMF wasn’t even formed until the 60s.

SKIP
That’s correct, chief. This particular case is originally from the files of The Boston Milford Insurance Company.

MACKENZIE
We’re descended from insurance agents? Ugh. It all makes a kind of horrible sense.

ZELDA
Skip, WHY ARE HERE?

SKIP
Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher. The Oceanologists. Project Black Ink. We’ve had all the answers this whole time and we never knew it. It’s all right here in this file.

SFX: Skip slides the folder across the table.

GLORIA
Skip, this is just an expense report.

SKIP
I know. But when I look at this, I can read it like a piece of music. I see the whole case play out. Like an old radio show...

MUSIC: OLD TIME RADIO THEME

NARRATOR (MISSION VOICE)
From Hollywood, the adventures of the man with the world’s most accurate expense account. It’s...

JOHNNY (SKIP)
Yours Truly, Johnny Onebuck.
Tonight, a full account and reconciliation of my expenses related to “The Maneater Macguffin.” It was a quiet Saturday afternoon in the City of Angels when I got a call from an old friend on the coast...

INT. JOHNNY’S OFFICE

LILLITH (MULDRAKE)
(On the phone)
Heya, Onebuck. Lillith LaFleur, Boston Milford Insurance Company.

JOHNNY
Lilly! Well, to what do I owe this pleasure?

LILLITH
Does the name Horace Maneater ring any bells?

JOHNNY
Maneater...Maneater...oh yeah, the famous nuclear scientist and art collector down in D.C? Died under mysterious circumstances about six months ago. Left his entire estate to his much younger wife. That Maneater?

LILLITH
Yeah, that’s the one.

JOHNNY
This isn’t a belated life insurance claim is it? Hard to put that genie back in the bottle once you’ve uncorked it.

LILLITH
No, no. It’s robbery, Johnny.

JOHNNY
Robbery?

LILLITH
Yeah, robbery. You got putty in your ears, Onebuck?

JOHNNY
As a matter of fact, I do. One second. (He clears his ears) So, you were saying...robbery?

LILLITH
Boston Milford insured every piece of art in the Maneater collection, including his rarest piece - a statue of the Roman God Neptune. Per Horace’s will, it was due to be donated to the Smithsonian Institute next week. We valued it at over two million dollars.

JOHNNY
(Long whistle) That’s a whole lotta cabbage. But robbery is robbery, you gotta pay out. That’s the whole idea of insurance.

LILLITH
Not if it’s an inside job, it’s not. Maybe the Widow Maneater didn’t like the idea of handing two million big boys over to the government. Maybe she staged the whole thing so she can drop it on the black market and walk away with the cheddar.

JOHNNY
Alright, alright. What do you want me to do about it?

LILLITH
Go down there. Check things out. Feel out the Widow Maneater, snoop around, ask some questions, and find that statute so we can bring it home to Uncle Sam.

JOHNNY
Sure, sure, and save Boston Milford a big pay day.

LILLITH
Wouldn’t hurt.

JOHNNY
DC is a long way from LA. I trust this is all going on my expense report?

LILLITH
You got it, Onebuck.

JOHNNY
This sounds like a big case. I’m gonna need to bring along my Girl Friday, Saturday.

LILLITH
You got a Girl Friday Saturday?

JOHNNY
That’s right, Miss Friday Saturday. She’s my assistant. Best in the business. I want all her expenses paid too.

LILLITH
Alright, Onebuck. Just get going. We’re sending you and Friday Saturday to DC via our private plane out of Burbank. I’ll be in touch when you get to DC.

SFX: She hangs up. Johnny hits an intercom buzzer.

JOHNNY
Friday, I need you.

FRIDAY (GLORIA)
(Over intercom)
Be there in a jiff, Johnny.

SFX: The door opens.

FRIDAY
What’s up, Mr. Onebuck?

JOHNNY
Pack your bags, Friday. We’re heading to the birthplace of our nation.

FRIDAY
Philadelphia?

JOHNNY
Washington, D.C.

FRIDAY
But that’s not -

JOHNNY
A state? No, it’s a District. And it’s been robbed. We’re on the red eye, so you’ll have to tell your fella you can’t make your date tonight.

FRIDAY
I don’t have a fella, Johnny. You know that.

JOHNNY
Well, maybe you’ll meet one at the Lincoln Memorial. A nice honest man named Abe.

FRIDAY
That’s a weird thing to say, Johnny.

MUSIC

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
My first expense: a buck forty-seven for a cab fare from my apartment to Burbank County Airfield. The driver’s name was Stan. He smelled like cheap cologne and expensive beef jerky. Friday was there waiting. She’d spent $1.15 on her cab and two bits on a box of Old Mississippi menthol lipstick.

INT. BURBANK AIRPORT

SFX: Airport noises

FRIDAY
(Yawns)
I feel like I could sleep all the way to DC.

JOHNNY
You might just get the chance. I hear the in-flight movie is a Bergman picture. Say, Friday, what do you know about the Widow Maneater?

FRIDAY
Martinique Maneater. Darling of the DC social scene. Known for her Paris fashion and her cocktail parties. Met her late husband while he was overseas during the war. They came over here after the shooting stopped, already hitched.

JOHNNY
And then he died. Short honeymoon.

FRIDAY
They were married seven years, Johnny.

JOHNNY
Maybe he got the seven year itch, if you know what I mean.

FRIDAY
I do not.

JOHNNY
Who do we know in DC, Friday? Someone who can give us the lowdown on this Maneater broad?

FRIDAY
There’s Senator Monday. He still owes you for proving he didn’t kill that Democrat.

JOHNNY
You know I can’t stand Monday, Friday. I know! We’ll call Scraps!

FRIDAY
Scraps?

JOHNNY
Sure, Scraps Turkleson! My old war buddy. He runs a saloon over on D street. He’ll give it to us straight - the story and the whiskey.

MUSIC

SFX: The plane in flight.

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
Expense item number four: Three dirty martinis and a pack of Lucky Strikes onboard the plane. I’m old enough to remember when a drink and a smoke were complements of the captain, but I guess those days are long gone. We landed in DC bright and early Sunday morning and were met by an unfriendly face.

INT. DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

HOLIDAY (CHET)
You Johnny Onebuck?

JOHNNY
Who’s asking?

HOLIDAY
Detective Holiday, DC Metro Police. I understand you’re looking into the Maneater robbery.

JOHNNY
That’s right. What can you tell me?

HOLIDAY
I could tell you everything you need to know. But I won’t. I don’t like private dicks sticking their nose in police matters.

FRIDAY
See here, Johnny Onebuck ain’t anybody’s private dick!

JOHNNY
I’m in the insurance game, Holiday. I’m just here to balance the books.

HOLIDAY
You better. I’m about to blow this case wide open - the robbery and the murder.

FRIDAY
Murder?

HOLIDAY
Don’t play dumb, missy. Everybody knows Maneater was bumped off by his bride. You listen to me, bub, if you get in my way, I’ll come down on you like a sack of potatoes.

JOHNNY
Alright, inspector, you made your point. I’ll keep my nose clean.

HOLIDAY
You better...dick.

MUSIC.

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
Expense item: One dollar even plus a twenty-five cent gratuity for a yellow cab to Scrap’s Saloon, where I was hoping for a warmer welcome then we’d gotten from the local constabulary.

INT. SCRAPS’S SALOON

SFX: A bell rings as the door opens.

SCRAPS (BOWDEN)
Sorry, we don’t open till noon.

JOHNNY
Not even for an old friend?

SCRAPS
Why, it’s Johnny Onebuck! What the devil brings you to this gin joint?

JOHNNY
Oh, just business, Scraps. Listen, I want you to meet Miss Friday Saturday, my number two.

FRIDAY
Hello, Mr. Turkleson.

SCRAPS
Please, call me Scraps. Can I get you two a drink?

JOHNNY
Club soda for me, Scraps.

FRIDAY
I’ll take a rusty nail with a vodka chaser.

JOHNNY
Friday, it’s ten in the morning!

FRIDAY
It’s five o’clock somewhere, Johnny.

SCRAPS
My kinda dame.

SFX: Scraps starts mixing drinks.

JOHNNY
Say, Scraps, what do you know about this Maneater business?

SCRAPS
Shoulda known you’d be messed up in that, Johnny. Poor old Horace gone before his time, leaving a young widow with a big house full of expensive art...

JOHNNY
Seems kind of weird, doesn’t it? A scientist who’s real passion is art?

SCRAPS
Old Horace fancied himself an artist, but his stuff...let’s just say my Great Aunt Sally can do better, and she’s blind as a Bolivian bat. Since he couldn’t make art, he filled his house with art.

JOHNNY
Art that’s suddenly gone missing.

SCRAPS
I know what it looks like, Johnny. Trust me the whole town’s whispering the same thing.

FRIDAY
But you aren’t buying it?

SCRAPS
Not a word of it. Martinique’s an okay dame in my book.

JOHNNY
You know her well, then?

SCRAPS
Well enough. Lady likes to give a cocktail party. Likes to have me be the one stirring the cocktails.

FRIDAY
Is that all you’re stirring, Scraps?

SCRAPS
It ain’t like that, lady. I’m just a good bartender, that’s all.

JOHNNY
Easy, Scraps, easy. Friday’s just doing her job.

FRIDAY
So are you, Scraps. This is a darn good rusty nail. Darn good.

SCRAPS
Best in town! Anywho... As I say, the usual gossips are pointing the finger at the widow, saying she’s trying to keep the money for herself rather than see the piece go in a museum for free.

JOHNNY
Well, that’s what Boston Milford suspects. Sells the piece and collects on the insurance, on top of Horace’s life insurance she already collected. Talk about sitting pretty.

SCRAPS
But that doesn’t gel with me. Old Horace was already a rich man. Left everything to her. What’s one statue when you’ve got that kind of dough?

FRIDAY
Two million dollars by our estimate.

SCRAPS
Gadzooks. That ugly thing? I had no idea! Naw, I still don’t buy it. Martinique hated that statue - said it gave her the willies something fierce. She used to make Horace put it in the closet during parties. Spooky.

JOHNNY
That is peculiar. Say, Scraps, could you could make an introduction for us to the widow Maneater? She might be more willing to talk if we come with your stamp of approval.

SCRAPS
Not a problem. I was actually on my way over there this afternoon anyway.

FRIDAY
I thought you said it was just a business relationship, Scraps.

SCRAPS
And I wasn’t lying. Lady just ordered a case of gin and I’m delivering.

FRIDAY
Lady’s got a gin habit?

SCRAPS
Compulsive party thrower. Nearly went through a whole case at the last shindig. Come on, I’ll drive us over.

MUSIC.

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
Friday’s drink was seventy-five cents. Scraps wanted it to be on the house, but I told him no expense went unclaimed when it came to Boston Milford. We arrived at Maneater Manor just after 11:30.

EXT. MANEATER MANOR

SCRAPS
I’ll ring the bell. We’ll have to get through Mrs. Driskill, the housekeeper. Last of the great old dames, if you know what I mean.

SFX: Doorbell, door opens

MRS. DRISKILL (ZELDA)
Yes?

SCRAPS
Heya, Mrs. Driskill, I’ve brought the gin order.

MRS. DRISKILL
You should have brought it to the back entrance as usual, Mr. Turkleson.

SCRAPS
Well, I also brought some guests to see Mrs. Maneater. They’re from her insurance agency.

MRS. DRISKILL
Very well. Come in. Please bring the gin to the kitchen. I’ll fetch Mrs. Maneater. Whom may I say is calling?

JOHNNY
Johnny Onebuck and Miss Friday Saturday, on behalf of Boston Milford Insurance Company. My card.

MRS. DRISKILL
Please be seated in the parlor.

SCRAPS
Make yourselves at home, kids. I’ll go put this gin in the pantry.

SFX: Scraps goes.

JOHNNY
This is some swank joint. I guess it’s true what they say - nuclear physics is where all the money is.

FRIDAY
Who says that Johnny?

MUSIC: A dark, sexy theme as a voice calls from the top of the stairs.

MANEATER (MACKENZIE)
They all say it, Miss Saturday. They all say it.

JOHNNY
Mrs. Maneater, I assume?

MANEATER
Please...Martinique.

JOHNNY
Alright, Martinique. Johnny Onebuck. I’m here on behalf of Boston Milford Insurance Company.

MANEATER
I don’t suppose that means you’ve brought me my check?

JOHNNY
Well, no. Just need to look into a few things, dot a few Is, cross a few tees.

MANEATER
Are you going to dot MY I, Mr. Onebuck?

JOHNNY
Should I, Mrs. Maneater?

GLORIA
Please don’t. I’m right here.

MANEATER
I know what people are saying. They think I stole that horrid statue. But it’s not true, I tell you. I don’t need the money. Horace left me all that I need and more.

FRIDAY
You don’t seem too broken up by his passing.

MANEATER
Horace was a man obsessed with his work. Almost from the moment we were married all he’d ever think about were his projects. He’d be at the office all hours of the night or locked in his study here.

JOHNNY
Well, nuclear physics is important work. Won the war.

MANEATER
You misunderstand the nature of my husband’s work, he was a metallurgist. What sort of metals could absorb what kind of particles - that sort of thing. His work was crucial to our nuclear advancements during the war, but lately he was consulting for some company or another.

FRIDAY
The military-industrial complex has been snapping up all our great minds.

MANEATER
I could never get him to tell me what he was working on, he only ever called it “the project.” Still, he gave me a comfortable life and I’ll never forget him.

JOHNNY
Life a little more convenient without him then?

MANEATER
Whether it is or not, Mr. Onebuck, I didn’t kill him. And your bosses at the insurance company agree with me, that check cleared months ago. But this robbery seems to be an entirely different story.

JOHNNY
Well, two big claims in six months. You could imagine how that could make Lilly LaFleur a little nervous.

MANEATER
(Suddenly in tears)
It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me!

JOHNNY
Alright, alright, calm down. Just walk me through the night of the robbery.

MANEATER
I’ll never forget it. It was a Friday night. The same night as that terrible storm blew in off the harbor. I’d been hosting one of my little soirees that night and I’m afraid I’d made a terrible fool of myself.

JOHNNY
How so?

MANEATER
It was that statue! I’d kept it out in honor of Horace, but it was if I could feel its eyes on me... even...speaking to me. Oh, it was horrible! I got so upset, I cried out and told it to shut up. Right here in the living room. At which point the party broke up. I had Mrs. Driskill bring me a cup of tea in the bedroom...with a splash of whiskey to help calm my nerves.

JOHNNY
And what time was that?

MANEATER
About ten o’clock.

JOHNNY
Alright. Then what happened?

MANEATER
I’m not sure. I think I drifted off for a bit. I heard the sound of glass breaking and it startled me awake. I was so groggy from the whiskey, I can’t be sure but...

FRIDAY
But what, Mrs. Maneater?

MANEATER
I swear I saw Horace. Right here in my bedroom - like some terrible specter.

JOHNNY
You’re saying you saw a ghost?

MANEATER
I’m saying I can’t be sure WHAT I saw. I must have fainted because the next thing I remember is waking up the next day. Oh, what’s it matter? I didn’t expect you to believe me.

FRIDAY
About the robbery, Mrs. Maneater...

MANEATER
As I was getting dressed, I heard Mrs. Driskill scream. I ran downstairs and found that the very window you’re standing in front of now had been smashed in and we’d been burgled.

FRIDAY
And the only thing that was taken was the statue of Neptune?

MANEATER
Yes, Mrs. Driskill did a thorough inventory. It’s the only thing missing. You have to believe me, Mr. Onebuck, I didn’t steal that statue! I hate it! I’m glad it’s gone! It’s cursed I tell you! Everyone told me I was wrong. That I was crazy! But I’m not! I’M NOT!

SFX: In hysterics, she throws herself into Johnny’s arms. Mrs. Driskill comes running in.

MRS. DRISKILL
Good heavens! What’s the matter?

JOHNNY
It’s alright, Martinique. I don’t think you’re crazy.

MANEATER
You don’t?

JOHNNY
Of course not.

FRIDAY
Well, that makes one of us.

MRS. DRISKILL
Come along, dear, let’s get you back to bed. I’ll fix you a nice pot of tea. Mr. Onebuck, if you’ll show yourself out.

MANEATER
Please go, Johnny. But...call me later. With what you’ve learned?

JOHNNY
I’ll call tonight.

MANEATER
I’ll be by the phone.

JOHNNY
I’ll be the one dialing.

MANEATER
I’ll be the one answering.

FRIDAY
I’ll be the one vomiting.

JOHNNY
Come on, Friday. Let’s find Scraps.

SFX: They let themselves out onto the street.

EXT. MANEATER MANOR - CONTINUOUS

SCRAPS
Johnny, over here.

JOHNNY
You weren’t kidding, Scraps. The widow Maneater is one upright dame.

FRIDAY
Says who?

JOHNNY
I’ve got a feeling for this sort of thing, Friday.

FRIDAY
Yeah, you’ve got a feeling alright and it’s that your trousers are too tight.

SCRAPS
Listen, you gotta see what I found in the kitchen while I was putting away the lady’s gin.

JOHNNY
Hmm. Somebody’s business card. Delaware Smith, Department of Archaeology & Geology, Marshall College.

FRIDAY
You think she’s got something to do with the theft, Scraps?

SCRAPS
Could be. She’s got quite the reputation for being a treasure hunter. Been in the papers too - apparently needed a little of Uncle Sam’s help after she took some ancient pottery or something without asking the natives.

JOHNNY
Could be you’re on to something. Tell you what, why don’t you and Friday go check her out?

FRIDAY
What are you going to do, Johnny?

JOHNNY
I think it’s time I had another little chat with the friendly Detective Holiday.

MUSIC

NARRATOR
We’ll be back with more Yours Truly, Johnny Onebuck after this message from our sponsor.

MUSIC: OCEANOLOGY HYMN ON ORGAN

ADMIRAL
Good evening. My name is Hunter Ridley Randolph Fletcher, author of such popular paperbacks as “It Came From Beneath The Sea”, “Sugar Babies from Outer Space” and “The Communists Next Door.” I’d like to talk to you today about my revolutionary new self-actualization process known as “Oceanetics”. Do you suffer from sleepless nights? A lack of vigor and vim at the ballpark or in the bedroom? Do you, like so many others, lay awake at night knowing that there is something deep within you that lays untapped - down the abyss of your soul? If so, I invite you to join me and my Oceanologist brothers and sisters on the path to enlightenment! My book “Oceanetics” will guide you toward salvation for just four simple payments of nine dollars and ninety nine cents. Not available wherever books are sold - find us on a street corner or Sunday rummage sale near you. And remember...become one with the ocean.

ORGAN FADES.

MUSIC: JOHNNY ONEBUCK THEME

NARRATOR
And now, act two of “Yours Truly, Johnny Onebuck”.

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
Though I never like a free ride when I can expense it, Scraps was kind enough to run me over the local homicide division, where I was greeted by a desk sergeant with an Irish brogue as heavy as the smell of whiskey on his breath.

INT. POLICE STATION

SFX: The bustling lobby the Washington DC metro police.

DESK SERGEANT
Can I help you?

JOHNNY
I’m looking for Detective Holiday. The name’s Onebuck, Boston Milford Insurance.

DESK SERGEANT
Oh, for the love of Mike. Everyone and their mother wants to talk to him today. Well, you’re in luck. He just got back from lunch. Oy, Holiday, ya got a visitor.

SFX: Holiday stomps over

HOLIDAY
What do you want, Onebuck? I’m a busy man.

JOHNNY
Just a quick question, Holiday. Did your men dust for prints on Maneater’s broken window the night of the robbery?

HOLIDAY
What do you take me for, a rookie? Of course we did. The only prints we found belonged to people who lived in the house.

JOHNNY
The housekeeper?

HOLIDAY
Driskill? Yeah.

JOHNNY
And the widow Maneater?

HOLIDAY
Yeah...

JOHNNY
And...Mister Maneater?

HOLIDAY
Of course! It was his house, moron. You insurance dicks. Why don’t you leave the investigating to us big boys.

JOHNNY
You were the one who found Horace Maneater’s body, right?

HOLIDAY
Right. He’d been in the water a long time - salt corrodes, fish get hungry - but it was him. He was wearing Meaneater’s clothes and he had his wallet on him.

JOHNNY
Alright, alright. Thanks.

HOLIDAY
Listen to me, Onebuck. Stay out of this. Your insurance company wants to keep their money? Leave it to me. They may even get their life insurance claim on Horace back if I can pin it on Martinique. Just back off. You have no idea what you’re up against. If they -

DESK SERGEANT
Holiday, me boy-o. Phone call. It’s the CHIEF. Better say goodbye to Mr. Onebuck, now.

HOLIDAY
See. They’re always listening. Get lost, Onebuck. I don’t want to see you again.

MUSIC

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
My encounter with Holiday left me a little shook, and with more questions than I had answers. Expense item number fourteen - a cup of deep black joe from Norma’s Diner and then a cab over to Marshall College, where Scraps and Friday were already interviewing Professor Delaware Smith.

INT. MARSHAL COLLEGE - DELAWARE SMITH’S OFFICE

SFX: Intense whipping sounds.

SCRAPS
Wowzers.

FRIDAY
Professor, your whip technique is staggeringly good.

DELAWARE (ATHENA)
Thanks. Picked it up on my honeymoon with my clown of a first husband.

SCRAPS
Where did you honeymoon? The Amazon?

DELAWARE
No, a circus school. Like I said, he was a clown. Now, was there something you two wanted or should I move on to pies down the trousers?

SCRAPS
Well, since you’re offering -

FRIDAY
Scraps.

SCRAPS
Sorry.

FRIDAY
We’re investigating the theft of the Neptune statue from the Widow Maneater. Found your business card in her kitchen. Got anything to say?

DELAWARE
Sure. Mrs. Driskill makes a swell cup of warm milk.

FRIDAY
Cut the malarkey, Delaware. You’re an international treasure hunter with a debt to pay, she’s a lady with an international treasure worth a fortune. Doesn’t take much to put two and two together.

DELAWARE
Oh please. If I had taken it, I certainly wouldn’t have left you at trail of bread crumbs right to my door. Besides, I never would have stolen it from Martinique.

SCRAPS
Oh yeah?

DELAWARE
Yeah. It belongs in a museum. Which is why it’s going to the Smithsonian, alongside all your favorite Monet.

SCRAPS
“Interior, After Dinner.” Gets me every time.

FRIDAY
Professor Delaware, can you think of ANYONE who would have wanted to steal the statue?

DELAWARE
Well, I -

SFX: The door opens and Johnny enters.

JOHNNY
Don’t mind me, Professor. Johnny Onebuck. Here's my card. Answer the question.

DELAWARE
The statue itself is artistically unremarkable. The carving is crude and not particularly detailed. If you saw it in a tourist trap market in Rome you wouldn’t think twice.

JOHNNY
And yet it’s valued at two million dollars.

DELAWARE
I said artistically it was uninteresting. In terms of provenance, it’s fascinating. It’s carved from a piece of space rock that fell to Earth a century or so back. Old Horace discovered it had a unique crystalline structure running throughout it. I’ve got some experience with geology, but I’d never seen anything like it.

SCRAPS
And this thing came from Italy?

DELAWARE
I don’t think so. Like I said, the craftsmanship was too poor. Sure, it’s a statue of the Roman God Neptune, but it’s not like any ancient tribute I’ve ever seen. Why someone would take a hunk of rock from SPACE and carve the God of the Ocean out of it...again, I couldn’t say.

JOHNNY
And just to be clear - why was your card at the Maneater estate?

DELAWARE
I’d consulted with Horace a few times about different pieces in his collection. In fact, before he died we’d been planning an excursion down south together to try and find some new pieces.

FRIDAY
And you stayed on friendly terms with Martinique after his death?

DELAWARE
Friendly enough, but it was Mrs. Driskill that took my card. She was worried those stuffed shirts at the Smithsonian were running some sort of scam on the widow. Wanted me to talk Martinique out of donating it.

SFX: Knock knock knock

DELAWARE
Would you excuse me, I’ve got an appointment.

JOHNNY
Alright. Thank you for your time, Professor Smith.

DELAWARE
Out the back door, if you don’t mind. Don’t need the department chair asking what a couple of private eyes were doing snooping around.

JOHNNY
Insurance investigator, but as you wish.

SFX: They go out the back door.

DELAWARE
Alright, they’re gone.

SFX: The front door opens and LIPMAN enters.

LIPMAN
What did you tell them?

DELAWARE
The truth. But not all of it.

SFX: Johnny re-enters.

JOHNNY
Excuse me, professor, I left my hat - oh, pardon me.

DELAWARE
This is my colleague, Dr. Lipman. Lipman, this is Johnny Onebuck.

JOHNNY
Pleased to meet you, Dr. Lipman.

LIPMAN
Forgive me, I’d shake your hand, but...

JOHNNY
Oh yes, I see. That’s a lot of bandages.

LIPMAN
Accidents happen.

JOHNNY
If they didn’t, I’d be out of business. Insurance. I’m investigating the Maneater art robbery on.

LIPMAN
Oh, you don’t say?

JOHNNY
I do say. Do you know anything about it, Doctor Lipman?

LIPMAN
(Nervously)
No, no. Of course not. Just rumors.

DELAWARE
I don’t see a hat in here, Mr. Onebuck.

JOHNNY
Funny. Guess I wasn’t wearing one. Good day...doctors.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. MARSHAL COLLEGE

SFX: Campus life. Cars riding by. Johnny comes out of the building.

FRIDAY
Did you see who she was talking with, Johnny?

JOHNNY
Yeah. Said it was her colleague. A Dr. Lipman.

SCRAPS
Said?

JOHNNY
Nothing about this case is sitting right with me. Did she really say that the statue was carved out of rock from OUTER SPACE?

SFX: A car comes speeding around the corner. A MURDEROUS VOICE yells out from the car.

MURDEROUS VOICE
See you in Hell, Onebuck!

FRIDAY
He’s got a gun!

SCRAPS
Friday, get down!

SFX: Gun fire. Scraps leaps in front of Friday to protect her and is struck. Johnny returns fire, but the car pulls away too quickly.

JOHNNY
Dang it. He got away. Are you alright, Friday?

FRIDAY
I am, but Scraps is hurt!

SCRAPS
They got me, Johnny. They got me good.

FRIDAY
You’re gonna be okay, Scraps.

JOHNNY
Yeah, sure, Scraps. You got it worse in Japan, remember?

SCRAPS
(Coughing up blood)
Sure, Johnny. I remember.

JOHNNY
I’ll call for help.

SCRAPS
You sure you’re alright, Friday?

FRIDAY
You saved me, Scraps.

SCRAPS
First good thing I’ve done with my life. Too bad...it was...the last...thing I did.

FRIDAY
Don’t you go to sleep on me, Scraps!

JOHNNY
Friday, take my handkerchief. Apply pressure to that wound. I’ll keep his head up. Help will be here soon.

FRIDAY
Who would do such a thing, Johnny?

JOHNNY
I don’t know, Friday, but I’m starting to paint a picture. And it’s a damn ugly one.

SFX: Ambulance approaching

NARRATOR
We’ll be back with the conclusion of “Yours Truly, Johnny Onebuck” after this message.

MUSIC: OCEANOLOGY THEME

ADMIRAL
Hello again, friends. Boatswain H.R.R. Fletcher here with a special limited time offer to listeners of this program. Join me live and in person this Sunday night at the world famous Showertorium where, for the first time anywhere, I will be demonstrating the glorious mental powers bestowed upon me by practicing Oceanology. I shall predict the weather, prophesize salmon spawning patterns for the next decade! I shall even correctly identify what color tie I am wearing...FROM MEMORY! You will be so astonished that you will want to be the first to buy my new book “The Ocean and Me - One Man’s Journey to Brined Enlightenment...and You Can Too!” Tickets will be granted only to those with the most advanced craniums, so head straight to the box office and bring a tape measure. See you Sunday night and until then...become one with the ocean!

MUSIC: JOHNNY ONEBUCK THEME

NARRATOR
And now the conclusion of Yours Truly, Johnny Onebuck. Remember kids, drink your Ovaltine.

EXT. MANEATER MANOR - EVENING

JOHNNY
(Narration)
The ambulance had taken Scraps to Sisters of Mercy Hospital. I told the doctors there to send all the bills and expenses to the Boston Milford Insurance Agency. I’d dragged Scraps into this, after all. The docs were split on whether or not Scraps would live to see the morning. Either way, I was determined to wrap this case up that night. I called Martinique Maneater and asked her to host a rather intimate cocktail party. The occasion - unmasking a criminal.

SFX: Doorbell. Martinique opens the door.

MANEATER
Johnny! Johnny, I’ve been so worried about you! I heard about Scraps, is he going to be alright?

JOHNNY
Scraps is tough. It’s going to be a long night, but I think he’ll pull through.

FRIDAY
And if he doesn’t, by God, I will personally see to it that whoever is responsible gets the book thrown at them! A big one. Like Gone with the Wind!

MANEATER
Shall we go into the parlor? Everyone is here.

JOHNNY
After you.

INT. MANEATER MANOR - CONTINUOUS

SFX: The walk into the parlor.

MANEATER
Good evening, everyone. I believe you know Mr. Onebuck and Miss Saturday.

JOHNNY
Well, well, well. Look at this lineup, Friday. Mrs. Driskill.

MRS. DRISKILL
Mr. Onebuck.

JOHNNY
Detective Holiday.

HOLIDAY
Onebuck.

JOHNNY
Professor Smith.

DELAWARE
Still haven’t found your hat, I see.

JOHNNY
Yes, the gang’s all here...except, no wait, someone IS missing.

MRS. DRISKILL
Yes, Mr. Turkleson. We’ve heard there was an accident.

FRIDAY
Gunned down in the street like a dog is hardly an accident, Mrs. Driskill.

JOHNNY
No, I don’t mean Scraps. Mrs. Maneater, did you pass on my invitations exactly as I asked you to?

MANEATER
Of course I did, Johnny. To the person.

JOHNNY
Then I wonder, Professor Delaware, if you failed to pass that invitation on to Dr. Lipman. I so wanted to talk to him more. About his...accident.

DELAWARE
Dr. Lipman is a very important man at the college. He’s far too busy for the likes of you and he’s got nothing to do with any of this.

JOHNNY
Holiday, you’re an important man in this town.

HOLIDAY
I guess.

JOHNNY
And all the important men in this town know all the other important men in this town, isn’t that right? Elks Club? City Council? Bowling League, things like that?

HOLIDAY
I suppose.

JOHNNY
So, you must know this Dr. Lipman. Who’s such an important man down at Marshall College.

HOLIDAY
Well, I...I...can’t know everybody, Onebuck. It’s a big city.

DELAWARE
Dr. Lipman is well known in academic circles.

JOHNNY
Well, that’s a hell of a thing. Because while we were waiting at the hospital waiting to hear if Scraps had drawn his last breath, Miss Friday Saturday here flipped through the phonebook. Not a single Lipman in the whole thing.

HOLIDAY
He’s unlisted.

JOHNNY
Sure, sure. Could be. Martinique - excuse me, Mrs. Maneater, your late husband was a Marshall man, wasn’t he?

MANEATER
Yes, he lectured there.

JOHNNY
Would you happen to have a college directory?

MANEATER
Why yes, it’s right here by the phone.

JOHNNY
Be a dear and find Dr. Lipman’s number would you? I’d love for him to join us.

SFX: Maneater ruffles through the pages.

MANEATER
Lippopoplis, Lipsberg, Lipschitz...no Lipman. Johnny, what’s going on here?

JOHNNY
It will become clear in a moment. Mrs. Driskill, how often do you dust this room?

MRS. DRISKILL
Every day, sir.

JOHNNY
You seem like a lady who takes pride in her work. Not someone who would only do a job half way - like say, not dust the window sill.

MRS. DRISKILL
What sort of person do you take me for, Mr. Onebuck? I keep this house SPOTLESS for the Maneaters.

JOHNNY
So you would never, say, skip a week or two between dustings?

MRS. DRISKILL
I would sooner spit on my mother’s grave. I clean those windows every day.

MANEATER
Johnny, what’s all this got to do with the stolen statue?

JOHNNY
Well, if we believe Mrs. Driskill is telling the truth - and I think we must - than it seems nearly impossible that a set of Horace Maneater’s prints could be on that window the night of the robbery...six months after his death.

MANEATER
That must be some sort of mistake!

JOHNNY
I don’t think so. Mrs. Driskill isn’t the only person here good at their job. Detective Holiday ain’t half bad, either, and he told me himself about what he found.

HOLIDAY
Drop it, Onebuck. You’ve got nothing to go on.

JOHNNY
As a matter of fact, you’re a bit of a forensics expert, aren’t you? Being a cop in D.C., you must have access to the best minds in the field, maybe even some training from the FBI?

HOLIDAY
I know what I’m talking about, sure.

JOHNNY
So tell me. A window pane of this size and thickness - it would take a considerable amount of force to break it, yes?

HOLIDAY
Sure.

JOHNNY
And you didn’t find evidence of a rock or brick or any trace of any object thrown through this window?

HOLIDAY
No. My conclusion was that it has been broken by somebody’s hand.

JOHNNY
That must have hurt.

HOLIDAY
Glass of this type, the force required, even with your hand in a glove or wrapped in a cloth, your likely to get glass embedded in your skin, or more likely a nasty cut.

JOHNNY
A nasty cut just like the one the mysterious Dr. Lipman has. Isn’t the right, Delaware?

DELAWARE
Dr. Lipman had surgery for his carpal tunnel...

JOHNNY
That’s odd, he told me it was an accident.

DELAWARE
Yes. It was a terrible...typewriter accident.
From out of the kitchen steps Lipman.

LIPMAN
It’s alright, Delaware. You don’t have to pretend anymore.

MANEATER
Who are you? How did you get in my house?

JOHNNY
Why, he’s got a key, Martinique. Isn’t that right, Dr. Lipman? Or should I say Horace Maneater?

SFX: GASPS.

LIPMAN
Alright, Onebuck. You’re too clever.

SFX: Lipman pulls off his mask revealing himself to be Horace Maneater, alive and well.

LIPMAN (HORACE)
Too clever by half.

MANEATER
Horace!

LIPMAN
Martinique. Forgive me.

MANEATER
But why? What’s going on? Is that...the statue?

LIPMAN
Yes. I never let it out of my sight now.

MANEATER
I don’t understand. Horace, why did you stage your death? And why did you come back? Was life with me so terrible and that statue so wonderful?

LIPMAN
No, no, my dear. It wasn’t anything like that. I...suppose you can explain it all, Mr. Onebuck.

JOHNNY
Well...it was clear to me almost from the start that you had robbed your own house. I assume that you meant to sell the statue on the black market - use the two million to start a new life. With no prenuptial agreement, maybe that seemed cheaper and easier than a divorce.

FRIDAY
Shameful. You’re better off, Mrs. Maneater.

LIPMAN
No, you have it all wrong. I did it all to protect her! As long as that statue was in the house, we were in terrible danger.

HOLIDAY
I’ve heard enough. Horace Maneater, I’m taking you downtown.

LIPMAN
No! No, Mr. Onebuck, you can’t let them take me.

HOLIDAY
He’s an insurance investigator, he has no authority here!

JOHNNY
Well, hold on, Holiday. I do have authority over the recovery of that statue. And I’d like to hear Mr. Maneater’s story.

MANEATER
As would I.

LIPMAN
Do you remember my trip to Antartica?

MANEATER
Of course. You brought back the statue from that trip.

LIPMAN
I was sent there as a consultant to investigate a long shuttered project known as Black Ink.

DELAWARE
Horace. Don’t.

LIPMAN
I have to, Delaware. Black Ink was a joint venture of the Army Signal Corps of Engineers and the Haloid Company to develop imminent signal theory - machine powered telepathy. Something wet terribly wrong and the project’s compound partially sank into the ice. However, there remains great interest in reviving the project and I was sent out to evaluate the status of the abandoned test site. What I found there...my God, Martinique. I have witnessed first hand the awesome power of splitting the atom, but this...this was beyond even my comprehension. And I knew it should never be unleashed.

HOLIDAY
That’s enough.

JOHNNY
No. I still haven’t heard about the statute.

LIPMAN
The project was built on the site of a crashed meteorite. The original researchers believed that the properties of the meteor enhanced the telepathic abilities of the machine and its subjects. As an expert in rare metals and their atomic properties, I was chosen to investigate. As a man of science, I was very skeptical, but from the moment I set foot in that wretched station, I knew it was true. With very little effort, I could focus my mind to anywhere I wanted. I could even hear my beloved Martinique - a world away and yet as clear as if she were in the room with me.

MANEATER
Oh, Horace!

LIPMAN
But there was another voice there. Buried underneath. It wanted...power. Freedom. I could feel it wrapping itself around my mind, like great tentacles. I concluded that the meteor was acting like some sort of antenna for the machine, drawing in signals...from beyond our reality. It had to be stopped. I chiseled as much of it away as I could. I used my limited skills as an artist and carved it into a Roman statue so I could get it back into the country unnoticed. I trusted only Delaware Smith with my knowledge. Together, we tried to study the rock, find a way to neutralize it. I thought as long as it was under my care, the project couldn’t continue.

JOHNNY
What changed?

HOLIDAY
You got enough for your report. Let’s go, Maneater.

LIPMAN
Threats.

HOLIDAY
I said let’s go.

LIPMAN
Threats from people trying to start the project again! Powerful people! Connected people!

HOLIDAY
Stop talking and start walking!

LIPMAN
People like the Detective Holiday!

SFX: Holiday draws his gun and everyone panics.

HOLIDAY
I said stop talking!

SFX: Bang! Lipman/Horace goes down. Delaware and Maneater rush to him.

HOLIDAY
Freeze, Onebuck!

FRIDAY
Johnny, look out!

JOHNNY
Holiday, you wouldn’t. I’m unarmed.

HOLIDAY
You don’t understand. I don’t want to. They’re making me. The CHIEF...he...I’m...sorry, Onebuck, but I told you to stay out of it!

SFX: A different BANG from across the room, Holiday goes down, shot in the back. Gasps.

SCRAPS
Bullseye.

MRS. DRISKILL
Good heavens! Mr. Turkleson!

FRIDAY
Scraps, you’re alive!

SCRAPS
Alive and just in time.

JOHNNY
And still the best shot in town.

MANEATER
Horace! Horace! Talk to me.

LIPMAN
Forgive me, Martinique. I should have just destroyed the statue. I thought it would be safe in the Smithsonian. You see, no one knew the statue and the meteor were the same except Delaware and I. And with my “death”, I thought the secret would die with me. Until...

MANEATER
Until I said I could hear the statue talking to me at the party. Oh, Horace, forgive me, I didn’t know.

LIPMAN
I...

SFX: He dies.

MANEATER
Oh, Johnny, Johnny, what am I going to do?

JOHNNY
Listen up, everyone. What we just witnessed can never leave this room. Scraps, you still tight with Gary over at the Bureau?

SCRAPS
Owes me more than one favor.

JOHNNY
He’ll do the clean up. I’ll make sure that the word of Horace Maneater’s resurrection and second death never reaches the Boston Milford Insurance Company. The widow Maneater can keep her payout.

FRIDAY
Johnny, you’d fake a report?

JOHNNY
Maybe I’ve been around the block one too many times.

FRIDAY
Jeepers, Johnny.

JOHNNY
We’ll say Holiday was the thief all along and Scraps shot him trying to protect me when I exposed him.

SCRAPS
It ain’t the gospel truth, but it’s close enough for me.

JOHNNY
But that statue has to go to the Smithsonian. I can lie once, but twice might just break me.

DELAWARE
It’s for the best. Under the watchful eye of the U.S. Government, right next to your favorite Gauguin.

SCRAPS
“Breton Girls Dancing.” Breathtaking.

JOHNNY
Scraps, make the call to Gary. Martinique, you probably shouldn’t be here when the G-men come. Could I...buy you a drink at Scrap’s? On my expense account, of course.

MANEATER
I think I’d like that.

SCRAPS
Whaddya say, Friday? Another rusty nail?

FRIDAY
For starters.

MANEATER
There’s one thing I don’t understand. Detective Holiday wasn’t at my party. How did he know about the statue?

MRS. DRISKILL
Half of DC was here that night, missus, and we didn’t know them all. Why, Senator Monday was here with that strange international delegation - or what about the police commissioner? He kept eying you up like you were a side of beef. I bet it was that shady devil!

JOHNNY
Conspiracies are a tangled web. Someone at your party was in cahoots with Holiday. But we may never know who. Mrs. Driskill, you’ll let the FBI in?

MRS. DRISKILL
Of course, sir.

JOHNNY
You’re an all right dame.

SFX: Everyone goes out, leaving Mrs. Driskill alone. As the door shuts, she picks up the telephone and dials. Someone picks up.

MRS. DRISKILL
Chief? This is Swabbie Driskill. Holiday failed. The statue is moving to the Smithsonian.

ADMIRAL (OVER THE PHONE)
Fine. I’ll do it myself.

MUSIC

JOHNNY
(Narrating)
Final item: $7.00 even for just about everything on the cocktail menu at Scrap’s saloon. This will be my final report to the Boston Milford Insurance Company. This case has opened my eyes to the fact that there are threats to our way of life from without and within. Threats I assumed we’d defeated during the war but linger in the murky depths that we chose not to swim in. I think I’ll have a little chat with my old friend Senator Monday about facing those threats...with extraordinary force. Grand total: $377.50. Yours truly, Johnny Onebuck.

MUSIC SWELLS THEN FADES AND WE’RE BACK TO THE PRESENT

INT. SKIP AND MCGRATH’S APARTMENT

SKIP
And that’s the story I get from this expense report. A few years later, the Admiral stole the statue from the Smithsonian - and by 1962, Mrs. Clarabelle Driskill was the head recruiter for the Oceanologist movement.

BOWDEN
What happened to Johnny?

SKIP
He ended up with Martinique Maneater. They got married and he got out of the investigations business, but he started a legacy that we carry out today. He gave a full report of the case to Senator Monday and laid the seeds for the formation of the EMF!

MACKENZIE
WHAT? No way. Johnny and Martinique? That doesn’t make any sense. He was TOTALLY in love with Friday Saturday.

GLORIA
What? I got more of a brother-sister vibe. (beat) Now Scraps, he sounded like a dreamboat.

BOWDEN
I couldn’t agree more, Gloria. I’d love to play him in the movie. Skip, are the life rights available to this? I can make a few calls.

ZELDA
Agent Granger. As unusually entertaining an evening as this was - what in God’s name does a decades old case have to do with today? Even if it did involve Oceanologists?

SKIP
Don’t you see, Section Chief? The statue. It’s the same one Muldrake wanted us to recover. I can’t say I regret ignoring that request, but I will have to pay the consequences.

MACKENZIE
What consequences? Skip, what are you seeing in this file that the rest of us aren’t?

SKIP
The Admiral has the statue. The statue was a core component of Project Black Ink. I think the Admiral is going try to unleash whatever Horace Maneater was afraid of. And if we’re going to stop him -

MACKENZIE
You can’t be serious.

SKIP
We have to go to Antarctica!

(Long beat.)

MISSION VOICE
Hard pass. Now...about the punch and pie?

MUSIC: THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngeils and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger and Johnny Onebuck
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Martinique Maneater
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief and Scraps Turkleson
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak and Miss Friday Saturday
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders and Mrs. Driskill
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips, Detective Holiday and Mr. Doe
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice and the Narrator

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien and Delaware Smith
Jill Ivey as Lillian LaFluer
and Bob Killion as The Spectre and The Admiral

Guest Starring
J. Michael DeAngelis as Old Time Radio Villains
Pete Barry as the Desk Sergeant
and John Dowgin as Dr. Lipmann

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry

Normally, this is where I'd make a pithy plea for you to join us on Patreon, follow us on social media or join the Discord. But these credits are long enough and I don't get paid by the word. Or paid at all, now that one mentions it.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

EXT. THE ANTARCTIC - OUTSIDE PROJECT BLACK INK

SFX: The wind. The horrible, horrible wind. Footsteps crunch across the icy plane.

ADMIRAL
I have come so far. Across treacherous snow and ice I come at last to my final destination. I...think. Hmm. Better ask the old crystal if I’m in the right place.

SFX: He rummages in his sack and takes out the crystal, which hums like we’ve never heard it. Mr. Doe’s voice rings out with crystal clear sound.

MR. DOE
Well done, Admiral. We’ve come home.

ADMIRAL
Why thank you, Mr. Doe. I couldn’t have done it without you.

MR. DOE
I know. In fact, we would have been here months ago if you had listened to me from the start.

ADMIRAL
Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Doe. If I could offer a bit of feedback, maybe tell Zeerox that an email would have done just as well as psychic hallucinations.

MR. DOE
Just open the door.

ADMIRAL
Quite right, Mr. Doe. It’s time to seize our destiny!

SFX: The Admiral pushes hard against what should be a long frozen door, but it opens with relative ease. He steps inside.

CHET
Surprise.

ADMIRAL
Chet Phillips. Is it really you? The REAL you?

CHET
You know what - I’m not even going to ask. I’m tired of your INSANE ramblings. I’m bringing you in. Arms up.

ADMIRAL
We seem to be at a bit of an impasse. You with your gun aimed at me and me with my harpoon aimed at you. Tell me, Agent Phillips, how did you know I’d come here?

CHET
Let’s just say the ex still has feelings for me.

SFX: A walkie talkie burst

ATHENA (ON RADIO)
Yes and that feeling is LOATHING. But, Antarctica's number one fan, Cassandra Helsinki, told us all about Project Black Ink.

CHET
Do you have Helsinki?

ATHENA (ON RADIO)
She locked herself in her office-bedroom thing. She’s not going anywhere.

ADMIRAL
It seems fitting that you’re both here with me now. At the culmination.

CHET
Listen to me, Admiral. Whatever you think needs to be done here - you and Helsinki are both wrong. I know all about Black Ink. It’s not what you think it is. Athena is taking care of Cassandra as we speak. You’re coming with me.

MR. DOE
Shoot him.

CHET
Put the harpoon down and you and I are going to walk out of here.

ADMIRAL
(Noise of indecision)

CHET
You think I’m your enemy? You think Athena is a problem? Buddy, we’re not even the tip of the iceberg.

MR. DOE
SHOOT HIM AND BRING HIM TO ME.

SFX: PFFFT! The Admiral shoots his harpoon into Chet, who falls to the floor in pain.

ATHENA (ON RADIO)
Chet? Chet?

ADMIRAL
Sorry, Chet, seems you triggered me.

SFX: The Admiral drags Chet into the bowels of the complex as we hear repeated cries of “Chet? Chet?” from Athena over the walkie.

MUSIC: STINGER