Season Four, Episode Two: “KANGAROO JACKED”
TRANSCRIPT

INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE

SFX: Arcade dings and the sound of children running.

WAITER
Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese, can I interest you in a slice of our new AstroBlast Cheesy Pizza?

CHET
No, thank you. I’m meeting someone.

WAITER
Ah. One moment sir.

SFX: Footsteps as they walk away.

ADMIRAL
You think the lights, sounds, and vomit-y smell of a children’s casino can drown out the sound of me? You fool. You cannot drown out the sounds of your own mind.

CHET
Clearly you’ve never been to a Motorhead concert.

ADMIRAL
True. There are lengths even I wouldn’t stoop to.

SFX: Footsteps.

QUINN
Well, well, well. I’m not sure which I’m more surprised by: the fact that you wanted to meet, or the fact that you wanted to meet here. Did someone beat your Dance Dance Revolution high score?

CHET/ADMIRAL
DID THEY???

CHET
Sorry, that’s not important. Thanks for showing up, Quinn.

QUINN
After what you pulled with Athena O’Brien and her volcano lair, I wasn’t sure I would. But, old habits, I guess. What’s up?

CHET
I... need your help.

QUINN
Help? The guy who said “I don’t want friends, that way I never have to drive anyone to the airport.” That’s a twist. What’s the job?

CHET
In this folder is an assignment to infiltrate the annual governor’s gala and stop the mad bomber Danny Boom Boom from planting and detonating an explosive to wipe out the governor’s top supporters.

ADMIRAL
Sounds like a good idea to me. Do those bombs come in water version?

QUINN
I see. And who’s our team? Archie’s been unreachable since HatCoats Limited went public.

CHET
No team. It’s a one-person job and I need you to take it for me.

QUINN
The Great Chet Phillips, calling in someone else to do his job? What’s going on?

ADMIRAL
I’m going on.

CHET
Nothing’s going on.

QUINN
Yeah, like I buy that when you’re acting so normal. But I shouldn’t be surprised: same old Chet, lying again. See you around.

SFX: She stands up to leave.

CHET
Wait! Don’t leave. Please.

QUINN
Tell me why I shouldn’t. What’s your deal?

CHET
It’s... I don’t even know, exactly. But six months ago I was on a job in Antarctica and ever since
them... I’m not myself. I saw something bad. Now I can’t focus, I can’t sleep -the nights I do I wake up somewhere different. I’m hearing voices. One actually, the Admiral. But he’s also me? But it’s also something bigger and darker and...I’m scared.

QUINN
Well that’s... alarming.

CHET
Tell me about it. I don’t think I’m ready to be back in the field until I get whatever this is taken care of. It’s not safe for me, the EMF, or any innocent bystanders. So I can’t do this mission. Come on, I voluntarily made an appointment with that crackpot Studebaker. That alone should tell you I’m not all here in the head.

QUINN
Fair enough. Fine, I’ll cover this one, but... I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be out of the game completely. Sitting at home, twiddling your thumbs with your mind stewing, that’s only going to make it worse. You’ve got to stay sharp, stay tethered to who you are. And who you are is someone who gets missions done.

CHET
Maybe you’re right.

QUINN
I am. Keep the smaller delta level missions at least.

CHET
The Skip-level missions you mean. Yeah, I think I can handle that.

QUINN
Good. I’ll be in touch once this is taken care of. In the meantime... get better. The EMF needs you.

CHET
Thanks.

SFX: Quinn walks away and then the waiter reappears.

WAITER
Sir, here’s the vegan calzone you ordered.

CHET
Vegan? I didn’t-...

SFX: The waiter drops a tray and walks away.

CHET (CONT’D)
Hm. I’d recognize a tape recorder hidden in a doughy pocket of sauce and cheese anywhere.

ADMIRAL
You really think turning down big missions will rid you of me? No no, Chet, dear boy, we’re together from here on out.

CHET
You’re wrong. I can control this...whatever you are.

SFX: Click of the tape recorder.

MISSION VOICE
Good evening Agent Phillips. The explorer and treasure hunter Josiah Harnsworth is said to have hidden valuable treasure in an undisclosed location. However, intel has given us a new lead in Parisian monastery. Your mission, should you choose to accept it-

ADMIRAL
(over the tape)
There’s nowhere you can hide, Chet, not from me. Put as much distance between you and the truth as you want. It changes nothing. You and I are one. I am you and you are me. If only you could see the things we could accomplish if you would only stop fighting-

SFX: Click as Chet turns off the tape.

CHET
Goddamnit. I’m gonna get you out of my head if it’s the last thing I do. Mission rejected.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents...the backups. Tonight's episode: "Kangaroo Jacked."

INT. VENTS

SFX: Spy music. The sound of crawling through the vents.

GLORIA
Okay, I’m at the T-intersection. Which way do I go now?

MCGRATH (COMMS)
Okay First you’re gonna go to the right. Then to the right. To the right. To the right. Then to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left.

GLORIA
Um, Ms. McGrath? Two things. First, that would just send me in a figure eight. And two, those are the instructions to the Cupid Shuffle.

MCGRATH (COMMS)
Damn. That totally would have worked if you were Skip.

SKIP (COMMS)
It would not have!

MCGRATH (COMMS)
Last mission I got you with Beyonce’s ‘Irreplaceable’, so sorry if I don’t totally believe you. G, head left then make the first right. The exit vent should be there.

SFX: Gloria starts crawling

GLORIA
I see it! Opening it now. Entering the diamond room.

SKIP (COMMS)
I’m in position on the other end of the room, ready to receive the diamond after you send it over the laser grid via drone and smuggle it out in a laundry bin.

GLORIA
Or as Bowden would call it, a ‘classic little orphan Annie’.

MCGRATH
And Bowden is...

SFX: she clicks the comms system and patches in Bowden.

BOWDEN (COMMS)
You CANNOT tell me that you honestly think Sharknado is better than Several Rooms With Multiple Views, you CANNOT!

MCGRATH
Distracting security in a way that only Bowden knows how.

SFX: A rappel

GLORIA
Heading down.

SKIP
I see you! Across the room!

GLORIA
Ohhhh hi!!

SKIP
Now open that diamond case-

SFX: doors burst open and we hear someone leap and do a series of elaborate flips.

SKIP (CONT’D)
What the- woah!

GLORIA
Who is that, acrobating through the laser grid?

SKIP
Someone with the ability to flip faster and more efficiently than the Property Brothers!

DAVIN FORD
The name’s Davin Ford. And you must be... Gloria Kovak, I’m guessing? You know if your lean back in your harness while rappeling, you’d get a smooth descent.
(calling over)
And you must be Skip Granger, yes?

SKIP
(calling back)
Yes, but how did you know? And why are you here?

DAVIN FORD
The same reason you are.

SFX: Davin slams a device on the glass diamond case.

DAVIN
(into his comms)
Pressure sensitive security alarm deactivated. I’ll be out in two.

SFX: The case opens and Davin takes the Diamond.

DAVIN FORD
And... target retrieved. Well, I’ve got what I came for. Catch you on the flip side!

SFX: The sound of Davin doing a series of intricate flips through the laser grid.

GLORIA
Hey! That’s ours! -- But wow, that was an impressive double handed Bulgarian round off!

SKIP
Hey, come back you scoundrel-- and he’s gone.

GLORIA
Who was that rudely abrupt, undeniably handsome man? I mean, yes, Davin Ford... but who’s he?

MCGRATH
He sounds like he has the punchable face of a championship collegiate rower.

SKIP
I can’t believe he just... took our mission! Right out from under us!

GLORIA
The Section Chief won’t be happy.

SKIP
True. She’ll have to put out an APB on the diamond immediately to see if it ends up in any black markets. Let’s make sure nothing like that happens again.

SFX: Quick transition.

SFX: the sound effects of a European marketplace on the street below.

MCGRATH
Okay team, I’ve got eyes on the Minister of Croquet.. still can’t believe that’s a real thing, by the
way. He’s in the blue Volkswagon heading for the traffic circle-

SKIP (COMMS)
It’s blue? It’s supposed to be off-turquoise!

MCGRATH
Yeah, that’s what I said. He’s heading out onto Caraway Street and should be in your vicinity in thirty seconds Bowden...

BOWDEN (COMMS)
Thank you thirty.

MCGRATH
He’s at a traffic light. Hang on, wait... a guy with a corn on the cob cart is going up to him. He’s motioning to roll down the window... oh crap! The corn merchant just parkoured into the open window... He just took the wheel and now he’s driving in the opposite direction! Gloria are you seeing this?

SFX: quick transition to the street below

GLORIA
Oh my god, yes! It was that Davin Ford guy from last time! I’d recognize that perfectly coiffed
hair anywhere!

SKIP
Maybe we can catch him! McGrath, do you still have eyes on him?

MCGRATH
I’m looking, but the traffic is bad... no. He’s gone.

BOWDEN
So I don’t get to do my hulahooping routine? I practiced for three days!

SKIP
Fiddlesticks! Again! From here on out guys, we are 100& vigilant 100% of the time. There’s no way we’re letting this happen again.

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

SFX: Chaotic sounds of zoo animals erupt all around.

SKIP
(shouting over the chaos)
BOWDEN! DID YOU RETRIEVE MRS. SLAPSKY’S PRIZE GIBBON?

BOWDEN
I TRIED, BUT BY THE TIME I GOT THERE, THE GIBBON WAS ALREADY SHARING A WARM EMBRACE WITH--

MCGRATH
LEMME GUESS: DAVIN FORD?

BOWDEN
I’LL SAY THE SAME THING I SAID WHEN SETH ROGEN ASKED IF I’D EVER EXPERIENCED THE TRUE UNSURPASSED SERENITY OF SIPPING AYUHASCA IN THE MOJAVE DESERT THROUGH THE NARROW END OF A CACTUS ROOT: YES.

SKIP
CONFOUND IT TO HECK! MISSION SWIPED AGAIN!

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

SFX: The usual beeping sounds.

MCGRATH
Okay, who is this guy? That’s the third time we’ve been out, about to wrap a mission, and that... turnip Davin beat us to it!

BOWDEN
Turnip?

MCGRATH
I don’t know, I’m mad, okay? And my anger is food based, you know that!

ATHENA
If I’d known all it took to best you guys was a guy in a polo shirt, I’d have recruited at an Aeropostale years ago... and then burned it down of course.

MCGRATH
Get back to supermax, Athena, who even asked you? Z, what is she doing here?

ZELDA
You can ask Agent Granger that.

SKIP
Because in “The Basics of Reforming Super Villains” they say it’s vital to expose them to good influences. That’s us!

ATHENA
Ugh. Why are you so obsessed with me? I’m starting to think you like me.

SKIP
If by ‘like’, you mean ‘stubbornly believe in the capacity for positive change’ then yes! If you’re going to turn over a new leaf, what better place to start?

ATHENA
(farts)

SKIP
Athena, I’ll take that as assent!

ATHENA
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THAT AS ASSENT?

GLORIA
I looked up Davin Ford on LinkedIn and he brands himself as a “Gentleman Thief Extraordinaire.” According to his bio summary he’s never been caught! He got his Bachelor’s degree in Thievery from the University of Tucson, his Masters in Heistery from UCLA, and his Doctorate in Advertising from Gonzaga. Go Bulldogs!

SKIP
Sounds like we’re dealing with a real master thief. I bet he owns a pair of leather gloves and everything!

ZELDA
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to source anything else on him yet. But I’ll do some digging, ask around, pull a few strings--

ATHENA
It must be nice to be able to run to mommy CIA whenever your job gets too hard.

ZELDA
... But based on what you’ve told me about the equipment they have at their disposal, his devil-may-care attitude, and his disregard for the regulations of espionage, I bet this Davin Ford works with some kind of private organization, one that’s not hindered by the red tape of bureaucracy.

SKIP
People always act like red tape is a bad thing, but sometimes it’s very important! Like... when you’re trying to tape two red pieces of paper together!

ZELDA
Be that as it may, this strike team-

MCGRATH
Now taking proposals for a good name for them: I submit Dweebs United.

GLORIA
Super Secret Strike Squad... Seven?

SKIP
The One Step Aheads?

BOWDEN
How about... the Dark EMF?

GLORIA
Dang, that’s cool!

BOWDEN
And it makes an easy pitch to AMC+.

ZELDA
(sigh)
As I was saying: this... Dark EMF seems dangerous and highly capable. You’ll all have to up your game. Without knowing who’s behind them, we can’t know where the goods they’re retrieving in these missions are going and we can’t risk having anything valuable or dangerous fall into the wrong hands. Whatever effort you’ve been putting in, double it. If that’s not enough, double it again. Keep doubling it until it works.

SKIP
Right team! Let’s just be 8x better and we can beat this Dark EMF to the punch.

GLORIA
But it kind of seems like beating us to the punch is their whole thing.

SKIP
That may be. But I believe in us. Besides, we have something they don’t have.

ATHENA
Punchable faces?

BOWDEN
My devastating good looks?

MCGRATH
My killer idea for a new pop tart flavor?

GLORIA
My home-apiary full of bees?

SKIP
No! An intrepid sense of optimism!

MCGRATH
Because that hasn’t ever ended badly for us.

ZELDA
I’ll keep digging and see what I can find out about them, but in the meantime, run your missions clean, quick, and precise. Speaking of...Skip? Fill them in.

SFX: Footsteps and a door as Zelda exits

SKIP
Yes! Team, we have our next mission. We are responsible for recovering... an ancient artifact.

SFX: Slide projector clicks.

BOWDEN
Is that... a kangaroo kazoo?

SKIP
Technically it’s a wallaby, and it’s a carved ceremonial flute that was used to tune the beginning note of tribal chants in a small string of islands off of Papua New Guinea.

ATHENA
Fake news. That’s absolutely a kangaroo kazoo.

SKIP
No no, it’s a wallaby! See the bright red markings on its shoulders? Now, this may look like an ordinary ceremonial wallaby shaped tuning flute-

MCGRATH
A ridiculous sentence.

SKIP
But in fact, historians and academics have determined that this ceremonial flute is the last known belonging of Chief Kokenu of the Iraruti Tribe of Papua New Guinea from 1706 to 1741, supposedly inlaid with volcanic diamonds and valued at over $12 million.

BOWDEN
That’s the same budget they had for A Muppet Christmas Carol!

GLORIA

And they spent every penny well.

SKIP
This mission comes to us straight from the recently appointed Secretary of the Exterior, who is Melanesian-American, and has established a long-needed task force committed to global unity. Their researchers have been working with Melanesian historians to track down this flute in an effort to demonstrate equitable international collaboration and help Papua New Guinea recover some of their lost treasures.

ATHENA
Uh-uh. No way. I don’t buy it.

SKIP
(sigh)
You have something to say, Athena?

ATHENA
Just that I’ve never known a government to do anything for another country out of the goodness
of its heart.

SKIP
Maybe the government is turning over a new leaf too, Athena! Perhaps something you two have in common?

GLORIA
If this assignment helps right some of the wrongs of colonialism in even a tiny way, it’s worth doing. So, where’d this kazoo get to?

SKIP
That’s where it gets interesting...

CLICK

BOWDEN
Umm... Skip? Is that--?

SKIP
Wha-- hey! That is a private and very personal letter I wrote to my mother! How’d that get in the slides?

ATHENA
(cracking up)
“Dear Mum. It’s raining today, so I thought I would treat myself to half a Butterscotch pudding. Don’t worry, I checked with my dentist and he said it was okay.” Oh my god, priceless.

MCGRATH
You don’t get to rag on Skip, Athena. I’ve earned that right. You have light years to go.

BOWDEN
Well, Mcgrath, in fairness you started in on Skip faster than it took Chris Hemsworth to turn down my offer to be the fourth Hemsworth brother.

GLORIA
You know, Athena, it wouldn’t hurt you to write to your father occasionally. It wouldn’t be hard, his cell is right next to yours!

SKIP
And tampering with mail is a felony, you know! I know you’re a self-proclaimed villain, but you have to draw the line somewhere!

ATHENA
Jesus. You guys really are no fun.

SKIP
(sighing)
Anyway, where was I? Right. We need to track down this ceremonial flute, but finding it won’t be easy.

SFX: CLICK

SKIP (CONT’D)
Meet Josiah Harnsworth, a Dutch explorer and the 17th man to circumnavigate the globe in the year 1745.

GLORIA
17th? You’d think they’d stop keeping track at, like, three.

SKIP
They did. But Harnsworth, a dogged treasure hunter, lamented that he was born too late to be among the most prolific explorers. So, he kept close track of his own achievements in this journal. Harnsworth was determined to make his mark and so he set his travels apart by uniting them with a theme: the marsupial imagery common in South Pacific Melanesian art.

BOWDEN
Branding. Very smart! That’s just like how Gary and I are currently branding me in Hollywood as the anti-Chris Pine.

SKIP
As I’m sure you guessed, Harnsworth is the last known owner of this ceremonial flute. However...

SFX: CLICK

SKIP (CONT’D)
His journal, which was only recently discovered at a yard sale in Chattanooga Tennessee, tells the story of his last voyage in which he hid his most prized possession. Our job is to find where he hid it.

GLORIA
Wait... so we’re going on a treasure hunt??

SKIP
I would call it a bit more of a locate and retrieve mission, with emphasis on not upsetting the local ecosystems.

ATHENA
Alright, well this sounds about as stupid as I thought it would be. Have fun, I’m gonna go build a bomb out of the bathroom soap.

SKIP
Oh no. You’re still part of the Skip Granger Enemy Rehabilitation Project, so you’re coming along. But keep in mind, you still have a tracker in your bloodstream that we can activate at any moment, so don’t even think about running off. If you do, we’ll ensure that Balthazar’s cell is next to yours so you can hear him practicing his monologues for audition season.

ATHENA
And you call me evil.

MCGRATH
Don’t worry O’Brien: having you along, we’ll be just as miserable as you.

ATHENA
That does make me feel better.

GLORIA
So, does Harnsworth’s journal give us any idea of where to start?

SKIP
One of his last entries mentions the first stop of his last voyage-- I say we start there. Get your berets and baguettes-- we’re heading to Paris!
(sotto voce)
Was that xenophobic? It was stereotyped for sure...I apologize to any French FBI agents who might be listening in through my cell phone. Or French ghosts! Or--

BOWDEN
(from down the hall)
Skip! Allons-y

SKIP
Oh! Voila!

QUICK CUT TO

SFX: Parisian music! An accordian player! The chatter of french people

SFX: Footsteps as the four of them walk.

GLORIA
I can’t believe we’re in Paris! I’ve always wanted to get a picture in front of the Obelisque de Luxor. During the French Revolution, it was the Madison Square Garden of beheadings!

ATHENA
Forget the dumb red windmill, THAT sounds like something I’d see.

SKIP
There’s no time! We’re a full sixteen minutes behind schedule!

MCGRATH
What was that? Sorry Skip, I couldn’t hear you over the size of your enormous, ridiculous, Himalayan-journey-style backpack.

SKIP
When you’re in an unfamiliar city, it’s essential to be prepared for every situation! I’ve got everything from Advil for headaches to red tape in case of an emergency red paper incident. Follow me, all.

SFX: Footsteps begin

SKIP
Now according to Harnsworth’s journal, there’s a small chapel in Paris he went to whenever he made land in France. But--

GLORIA
But Paris is a land-locked city-- not exactly convenient for a sailor! He could have been coming here to hide his treasure.

SKIP
Oh...well, yes. Well sussed Gloria. The chapel is just up here.

SFX: Footsteps as they round the corner. And a bustling crowd comes into earshot!

SKIP (CONT’D)
Holy tourists! Why are there so many people here?

MCGRATH
Ugh. People will turn anything into a social media opportunity. If I see one more TikTok of someone throwing gang signs at the Arlington Cemetery--

BOWDEN
Hashtag ‘Reflection’.

GLORIA
How are we going to get in?

SKIP
I suppose one of us will have to cause a distraction. I can-

BOWDEN
Never fear, Skip; I got this.
(French persona)
Attention! Mademoiselle y Monsieur, Attention! Next tour coming through, make way.

SFX: The sounds of the crowds fade slowly as they clear out.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
Nothing makes tourists clear out like a tour they have to pay for.

SKIP
I mean I was perfectly prepared cause a distraction with the Silly String in my bag... but it was an excellent mimicry of a native Frenchman, Bowden.

SFX: CHURCH BASEMENT, SILENCE/ECHOES, MAYBE A SLIGHT DRIP OF WATER FROM A LEAKY PIPE

SKIP
Oh wow! Okay team, it’s pretty dark down in the catacombs, but don’t worry, I’m prepared. I brought...

SFX: A sharp crack

SKIP (CONT’D)
Glowsticks!

ATHENA
Yeah, nothing says “dangerous international spy” like a children’s party toy.

SKIP
My eye doctor says these are gentler on the corneas than bright fluorescent flashlights.

GLORIA
And waaaay more exciting than the built-in flashlight on our phone. I know that sounded sarcastic, but I mean it! Glowsticks for the win!

BOWDEN
Journals from old explorers, a long forgotten treasure, gimmick-y ways to light dark caverns? This mission is starting to feel a lot like an adventure from Uncharted.

MCGRATH
The movie or video games?

BOWDEN
Does it matter?

MCGRATH
YES!

BOWDEN
Well, I wasn’t cast in either, so I beg to differ. What’s wrong with casting me as Nathan Drake? I can do a flip!... On a trampoline... with wires supporting me... And someone helping me turn.

ATHENA
(whispering)
Hey Moncrief-- a friend of mine works at CAA. Tell me how to ditch my tracker and I’ll put in a good word. I’m the one got Chris Pratt cast as Mario.

BOWDEN
If that’s true, I will never forgive you.
(Beat)
Do you think they’d hear me for Waluigi?

SKIP
Okay all-- this door must be the main chapel. Let’s get ready to go in on seven.

GLORIA
Why seven?

SKIP
Because, everyone waits three. On the off chance there’s someone in there, if we wait seven seconds as opposed to three, then they won’t be on their guard-- Athena, wait!

ATHENA
Make me.

SFX: Old wooden door scraping on the stone floor and footsteps as Athena walks in and the others follow

SKIP
Okay, this looks like the private chapel the monks would have used for nighttime prayer, let’s spread out and --
(As Sam Eagle)
oh, um BONJOUR! Desolee, we are very sorry. We are cleaners, here to clean up all of the... dust. We didn’t mean to disturb you.

DAVIN FORD
Oh, I don’t think you could do that if you tried, Skip Granger.

GLORIA
Oh my god, Davin Ford?

DAVIN FORD
Nice to see you all again.

MCGRATH
You again? Seriously? God, don’t you ever, just like, chill?

DAVIN FORD
Never.

SKIP
You must be here to procure Harnsmith’s ceremonial flute. Who are you working for? How did you find this place so quickly? Tell the truth!

DAVIN FORD
We found this place quickly because we’re better at this than you.

SKIP
You might be better than me at applying hair gel but it doesn’t mean you’re better at missions!

DAVIN FORD
No, but my experience, superior skill, and top-rate colleagues do.

BOWDEN
Colleagues? A familiar laugh echoes around the cavern.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I bet you thought you had seen the last of me, Master Agent Granger and friends. But Timmy Two-Bit Thompson is back. Timmy Two-Bit Thompson used to come in like wrecking ball. But now, Timmy Two-Bit Thompson comes in like a Home Depot HDX retractable utility knife: with surgical precision.

BOWDEN
Oh great, Skip’s stalker from Mellencamp, Indiana who accidentally saved Skip and Mcgrath from the escape room.
(mumbling)
And doesn’t even have the decency to ask for my autograph.

SKIP
Timmy! You’re working with them? But... I offered you an internship!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
I couldn’t let our cat and mouse game fall to the wayside, could I? No, no, no, Master Agent Granger, you and I have not yet done battle for the last time!

SKIP
I’ll be honest Timmy, this hurts. I had a name tag printed for you.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Why would I become a government lapdog like you, my arch nemesis, when instead I could leave my old after school job at the Oliver’s Garden in Mellencamp and become a renegade with Mr. Ford here?

SKIP
Mr. Ford! Although I have great respect for your skill and commitment to your craft... I’m politely asking that you stand down and let us complete our mission.

DAVIN FORD
Sorry Skipperooni - great pasta name, by the way - but I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Although... (pauses, looks around) I think we can clear out. Tim, you got what we need?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Yes! Our task is complete, no need to dilly dally. Let us away!

DAVIN FORD
But nice to see you again. Here-- While you’re in town, have some authentic french fries, on me.
Let’s move out, Timmy!

SFX: As they flip/dramatically leave the room, possibly to some cool action music.

SKIP
(calling after them)
French fries aren’t actually from France! They’re from Belgium, you hear me?! BELGIUM!!

MCGRATH
Yeah, you really told them, Skip.

ATHENA
Why does everyone you run into seem like a character from a Saturday morning cartoon?

SKIP
Gosh darnit! They said they got what they came for. Somehow they snuck the flute out right from under our noses and beat us. Again!

BOWDEN
Actually, I don’t think they did. My keen actor’s eye noticed they weren’t holding anything--

MCGRATH
Yeah, takes a real eagle-eye to notice that.

BOWDEN
And the silhouettes of their costumes were smooth-- nothing bulging in their pockets. They seem to have got what they needed, but I don’t think they have the kangaroo kazoo.

GLORIA
I mean, Harnsworth fancied himself a legitimate treasure hunter and if this is a legitimate treasure hunt with legitimate treasure hunt rules...

MCGRATH
...he wouldn’t hide his treasure the first place his book says. He’d do the whole annoying puzzles thing.

GLORIA
You know, I’ve had my eye on the bas relief above the altar and something about it seems strange to me. There’s a bunch of animals carved, but they aren’t regal emblems. They seem almost random.

MCGRATH
And they each have a bunch of numbers below them.

GLORIA
They’re too long to be years and France didn’t have social security numbers until 1946.

BOWDEN
Hm. In the Uncharted movie, they figure out these puzzles in like, eleven seconds off of some drawing.

GLORIA
Wait! Skip, let me see Harnsworth’s book. I bet he left some clues for himself in here for when he came back for the flute.
(pause as she reads)
Hmmm, okay, so here in the margins, he’s sketched a bunch of animals.

BOWDEN
Don’t worry, I’m taking vigorous mental notes for a potential Dan Brown-Prime Video collaboration.

GLORIA
Here’s a snake and a badger, but no stag... it’s a kangaroo. Up there I see a snake and a badger, but it isn’t a kangaroo between them, it’s a stag.

MCGRATH
So Harnsworth marked the important one, the stag is the clue. I would have preferred a “here’s where to go next”, but it’s is something.

GLORIA
Wait, the kangaroo drawing has two dots here and here...
(gasps)
They’re decimal points for the numbers! -7.67 and 133.36... Of course! Coordinates! I’d bet Bowden’s next four auditions on it.

SKIP
Oh! I have my coordinates guide here in my trusty traveler’s pack--

GLORIA
No need! Unless I’m mistaken, these demarcate a spot in the Arafura Sea off the coast of Australia.

BOWDEN
The land of kangaroos! It all connects!

SKIP
Wow... you did it, and you didn’t even need my coordinates guide... Good job, team!

ATHENA
Yeah, you all have a real Magic School Bus vibe going on.

MCGRATH
Not like you figured it out.

ATHENA
But I could have if I tried for half a second!

GLORIA
Forget all that! Looks like we have ourselves a good, old-fashioned, multi-location, treasure hunt on our hands! Hope everyone has eaten their daily dose of lemons to ward of scurvy... we’re setting sail!

BOWDEN
(gasp)
It’s not Uncharted... it’s Muppet Treasure Island!

TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: Open ocean! The breeze whipping by! Gulls caw!

BOWDEN
(As a pirate)
Yar! A salty breeze upon the open sea, the taste of treasure on me lips-- is there a finer day than this?

MCGRATH
Someone make Bowden walk the plank.

ATHENA
If party-pooper Granger hadn’t stopped me, I would have walked the plank myself hours ago. Become one with the ocean indeed.

SKIP
According to Harnsworth’s journal, we’re looking for a small island somewhere in the next aquatic acre or two. Apparently the island is shaped like a
(reading)
... bandicoot?

BOWDEN
What the hell is that?

GLORIA
Oh! Bandicoots are small marsupials in Australia & New Guinea that use their front feet to dig for food!

MCGRATH
Great, so... just keep an eye out for an island shaped like that.

GLORIA
I’m guessing we’ll see a jungle along the shoreline. In his last journal entry, Harnsworth did a sketch of some trees and an arrow pointing to them.

MCGRATH
Yeah, indecipherable clue that is.

BOWDEN
(as pirate)
Yar! Out on the open sea, a man is only as good as his ship and his crew. Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains, and scoundrels I have ever seen, who hired them-

SFX: A big wave hits! Bowden splutters water

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
(not as pirate)
Ugh! It’s salty!

MCGRATH
Oh, I love when the universe throws me a bone.

SKIP
Don’t worry Bowden! I packed six different kinds of towels of various levels of cotton-blend and absorbancy, which would you--

GLORIA
Oh! Oh! Look! Land ho!

SKIP
Oh! Dang it, I wanted to say that!

QUICK TRANSITION

SFX: Buzzing of insects, caws of birds

GLORIA
Ick! Another mosquito.

MCGRATH
Someone tell Guns N Roses I do NOT feel welcome in this jungle.

GLORIA
Good thing we got our typhoid shots.

BOWDEN
Typhoid shots? I thought you said Tylenol shots.

MCGRATH
So... you did shots of Tylenol?

BOWDEN
Viola Davis and I had a very fun time. Are we sure we’re even going the right way?

GLORIA
Pretty sure! I took a seminar last month called the Orienteer Express,

ATHENA
Alright, even I admit, the bugs are bad. I know I made fun of you before, Granger, but did you happen to bring any bug repellent?

SKIP
In fact, I did!
(he gets it out)
This spray was quality-tested by the DOD in order to protect againstwha-HEY! Athena grabs the spray and chucks it as far as she can. Athena! I thought you wanted to use it, not chuck it into foliage!

ATHENA
If I have to suffer by coming on this mission, then you all do too.

SKIP
We need to find an outlet for your spite, Athena. I have a very good listicle from Psychology Today we can work through when we get back to headquarters.

ATHENA
What are you talking about? You’re my outlet for spite and it’s working just fine.

GLORIA
Let’s just keep going. Harnsworth’s journal is directing us toward some kind of grotto in the mountainside and if I’m correct, that grotto should be just up in that clearing--

SFX: The rustling of leaves stops as they exit the jungle.

MCGRATH
So I don’t really know what a grotto is, but I’m guessing it’s not a big pile of rocks.

ATHENA
HA! You all failed! Oh the sweet taste of schadenfreude.

BOWDEN
Is that a new Starbucks drink?

GLORIA
But-- this is supposed to be the mouth of a cave! Did I read it wrong? Oh, if my Uncle Riley could see this, he’d give me canned beans for dinner for three days!

BOWDEN
Not so fast. In LA you quickly learn the signs of landslides and earthquakes. You also learn what to do in the event of one: save the headshots first, your emergency reiki kit second, and grab extra water if there’s time.

SKIP
So you think this is a landslide?

BOWDEN
My dear friend and bowling league colleague Stevie Nicks would confirm it.

SKIP
Then that means the grotto and Harnsworth’s treasure or any other clues must be under all this mess!

MCGRATH
Any chance you packed a jackhammer in that ridiculous camping pack of yours, Skip?

SKIP
Unfortunately no. I had to make some tough decisions when it came to Mad Libs for the plane.

MCGRATH
Then have any ideas? In the past you’ve gotten us out of spots tighter than those pants you wear to Applebees.

SKIP
Those are my Friday jeans! I guess we could call in Zelda for Studebaker’s hydrogeologic drill, Drill-y McDrillFace. Or we could-

ATHENA
You could ask me. Nicely.

BOWDEN
You? What are you gonna do besides make snide remarks and swap out the office creamer for ranch dressing?

ATHENA
This.

SFX: She pulls something out and the group yelps.

GLORIA
Why do you have a stick of dynamite??

ATHENA
I found it in the lazarette of the boat, and I thought, always be prepared, right?

MCGRATH
Prepared for what?

ATHENA
...Fishing. Don’t give me that look, this is an X22 Novablast, I’m amazed I’m even offering it to you.

BOWDEN
Then why are you?

ATHENA
If I wait for you guys to figure this out, I’ll die in this jungle.

SKIP
We don’t need to explode our way through every obstacle we come across. There’s got to be another option. I was in the middle of a laundry list of ideas; and you should see my actual laundry list. It is robust!

GLORIA
It... would move things along.

SKIP
Gloria?

GLORIA
I wanna see it go boom, okay?

MCGRATH
Hey, if it gets us out of here. I’m for it. I say light the sucker up.

ATHENA
Come on Granger. You’re the one who’s been begging me to be a team player and help.

BOWDEN
And we’re on a time crunch. Every minute we waste is another Davin and Timmy gain.

SKIP
Oh... fine. But it could cause real damage to the ecosystem if not deployed correctly, so let’s make sure we deploy it in a spot far from any foliage and- Athena lights the fuse.

ATHENA
Fire in the hole!!!

SFX: She tosses it. A few moments of distance sizzling. Then a huge explosion and crumbling stone! Some coughing as the dust clears.

MCGRATH
So that’s a grotto.

SFX: Of someone climbing out of the rubble.

DAVIN FORD
Thanks for that. Saves us the trouble of pitoning out.

BOWDEN
My god, he’s everywhere! Just like Stephen Root!

SKIP
Davin Ford and Timmy!? How in the holy-mole-people did you get in there?

DAVIN FORD
Tunneled in through the top of course. I had a new diamond-lined drill I’d been dying to try.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Cuts through stone, marble, and twoweek-old Pepperidge Farm honey wheat bread like it’s nothing. (cackle)

MCGRATH
And lemme guess: you’ve already found whatever there is to find here and we’re too late.

DAVIN FORD
Why of course! Just because you’ve added this... muzzled attack dog and her explosives to your team doesn’t mean you’re equipped to compete with us.

ATHENA
MUZZLED ATTACK DOG!? I’ll kill you, you- Gloria holds her back.

GLORIA
Athena, for the last time, no murder!

BOWDEN
Maybe it’s your hair gel, maybe it’s your ecru veneers, but you really give off 90s-ski-movievillain vibes.

DAVIN FORD
I’ll take that as a compliment. Tim? Are we finished here?

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Yes! I believe accolades are in order, Sir Davin. I’ve used our nifty geologometer to analyze traces of non-native sediment in to determine the locus of provenance. We may depart at our leisure!

DAVIN
Well, we’re far enough ahead that there’s no need for you all to trouble yourselves-- Save
yourselves time and go home -I’m sure you have better things to do.

SFX: Sounds as they dash through the jungle.

SKIP
Oh yeah? Well, I don’t!!

MCGRATH
Got ‘em.

BOWDEN
I have had it up to here with that guy! I don’t know where people mean when they say ‘here’, but I’ve had it up to there!

SKIP
I just can’t believe Timmy would work with a guy like that. I thought he was going to turn over a new leaf. Like Athena is!

ATHENA
First off, I’m not turning over anything. But second, we’re not going to let them win.

GLORIA
Athena?

ATHENA
That weasel-faced rat bag just called me a dog. We are gonna win this game and destroy him if it kills all of you!

SKIP
That’s great! With Mcgrath’s shrewd thinking, Bowden’s undeniable charisma, Athena’s high-octane spite, Gloria’s weird tool box of random abilities, and my knack for making lists on the fly, we’ll succeed yet! Now, let’s get to work on whatever puzzle Harnsworth left for us in here.

MCGRATH
Actually, I don’t think we should worry about Harnsworth’s puzzle. Haven’t you guys been listening to Ford? We’re doing long, convoluted riddles. Ford and Timmy are doing “a molecular analysis of traces of non-native sediment.”

BOWDEN
Sounded like standard techno babble to me. I would know, I’ve read most of the script for Event Horizon.

SKIP
What are you saying, McGrath?

MCGRATH
That these guys aren’t working harder, they’re working smarter. Maybe it’s not in the spirit of a treasure hunt, but it’s easier.

ATHENA
You will never understand how much it pains me to say this, but, Hacksel Rose here is right.

SKIP
I guess that makes sense but taking shortcuts isn’t our way!

MCGRATH
You wanna do things right, or you wanna let Ford beat us to the kangaroo kazoo?

SKIP
Ok. What did you have in mind?

MCGRATH
(pulling out her tablet)
Screw the ancient riddles-- I brought my tablet. Let’s technobabble this bitch.

BOWDEN
I love when McGrath starts typing.

MCGRATH
Okay, looks like Ford keeps his bluetooth on all the time. Having been near Ford, my tablet recognizes his device’s digital imprint. Lemme bounce a signal off the NATO satellites...

SKIP
The NATO satellites!? You leave them alone!

MCGRATH
Relax, I’m not gonna mess around with them... right now. Assuming Ford forgot to switch off his location after the last time he ordered Grubhub, we should be able to track him wherever he goes. Yes! There he is!

SKIP
Amazing! I have to admit, McGrath, it’s impressive. So... now what?

MCGRATH
We stick to this Ford prick like I stick to Skip when he fixes a dish of cheesy fish sticks to eat while binging Netflix.

SKIP
Ooohh top score for rhyme.

ATHENA
... ugh you people are so weird.

TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: Car sounds as they group rides down a coastal highway.

GLORIA
First we were in Paris. Then we were on a tropical island in the\ Philippines. Now we’re driving down the Mexican coast with the roof down and the sun shining. Missions don’t get any better than this!

BOWDEN
“When I picture him heading south in his own car with the top down, it always makes me laugh. Andy Dusfresne... headed for the Pacific.”
(beat)
You know, from Shawshank?

GLORIA
Oh! Shawshank, right. But honey, it’s a little hard to keep track of your references when you keep switching treasure hunt movies.

ATHENA
Shawshank’s not a treasure hunt movie.

BOWDEN
Um excuse me? It has buried treasure, does it not? And someone hunts for it?

GLORIA
Heads up guys! Agent McGrath’s tracking device says Davin is somewhere in the cove just on the other side of this bend.

SFX: The car drives around the bend and the sounds of a party come into earshot.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
This doesn’t look like where a historic pirate would hide his treasure, this looks like MTV’s Spring Break.

SKIP
I know I put the coordinates in right, I checked nine times!

BOWDEN
I saw you do it. I don’t understand it any better than I understood Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk, but this is where we’re supposed to be.

ATHENA
This beach is thousands of years old. Just because Harnsworth thought it was a good place for his dumb treasure doesn’t mean a dumb real estate developer didn’t also think it was a good place for their dumb resort.

SKIP
Look! That looks like a ticket stall for entry onto the beach...
(footsteps)
Hello, sir!

MCGRATH
(whispering)
Sir? He’s wearing a snapback and a Hawaiian shirt with mariachi dragons on it.

PARTY BRO
Welcome my dudes, to the Beachfront Brochacho Spring Break Extrapaloozaganzafest, hosted by your friends at Sigma Tau Omega and Pi Pi Pi! Do you have your certified entry bracelets?

SKIP
(as Sam Eagle)
My friends and I would like to come onto the beach and join the party, but we um.... had our bracelets stolen... by a vengeful seagull! Can we please come in anyway?

PARTY BRO
No can do, little man. You want entry, you gotta have your sanctioned bracelets.

ATHENA
Hang on guys, I think I have another stick of dynamite--

GLORIA
Athena! We don’t harm civilians! No matter how frosted their tips are!

MCGRATH
Well, can we “earn passage” another way?

PARTY BRO
If you wanna hang with us, just gotta prove you’re not squares. Go shot for shot with Mondo here.

SKIP
Mondo? Who’s Mondo-?

SFX: A big burly MONDO steps up and grunts. He sounds enormous.

SKIP (CONT’D)
Oh! Hello... Mondo.

SFX: A few footsteps as Skip turns back to the others.

GLORIA
He’s enormous! His tolerance must be through the roof!

SKIP
True. But if this is the price of passage, then I’ll pay it. I’ll go shot for shot with Mondo.

MCGRATH
Skip, you fall asleep after a glass of chocolate milk.

SKIP
That may be. But it’s time for me to rise to the occasion. Even if it costs me my liver doctor’s respect, I am determined to-

BOWDEN
Hold up: A drinking competition? Shot for shot? Guys. This isn’t Uncharted. It’s not Muppet Treasure Island. It’s Indiana Jones.

GLORIA
...Oh! You mean that one, very specific scene where Marion is having a drinking contest? I mean, that’s hardly the titular moment of the film and a drinking competition scene isn’t exclusive to-

BOWDEN
I got this.

SFX: Bowden steps up to the gate.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
Alright Mondo, I will gladly throw my gauntlet down... or hat into the ring... or the pie into the swimming hole... or whatever you kids say these days!

PARTY BRO
Hold onto your hat, brochacho and buckle up for the finest drink that my buddy makes in his dorm closet.

BOWDEN
Salud.

SFX: TRANSITION

SFX: The sounds of a cheering crowd.

GLORIA
That’s nine shots each! One of them has to tap out soon.

ATHENA
If anyone projectile vomits, I swear to god I will murder every last one of you.

BOWDEN
You’re not bad Mondo. But I’ve partied with Lance Bass, I can do this all day.

SFX: He takes a shot.

MONDO
(slurred speech)
I’ll destroy you, little man.

BOWDEN
There’s no shame in throwing in the towel. The strength of a man is not in his muscles or in his heart, or even in his pride. It is in knowing himself. And knowing his opponent And knowing when he is simply outmatched.

GLORIA
So cool!

BOWDEN
That was from my recent audition for Hallmark’s upcoming seasonal classic Jingle Jingle Merry Bingle. Now go on, Mondo. You’re up.

SFX: Mondo takes another shot. He groans.... And collapses.

PARTY BRO
And the winner is... this guy!

SFX: The crowd cheers.

BOWDEN
(shouting to the crowd)
Loo salla haru nyan barra niska!

MCGRATH
Dude, no one here speaks Nepalese.

BOWDEN
Neither do I!

PARTY BRO
Alright party people, a deal is a deal, you’ve earned entrance into the raddest, most stellar spring break experience of your lives. Right this way.

SFX: Footsteps as they follow Party Bro.

GLORIA
Bowden, you did it!

BOWDEN
(speech slurred, then starts scatting)
Hell YEAH! I did! I did... di-didih- do do-di di di

SKIP
What happened? You were stone cold sober a moment ago.

BOWDEN
It’s called acting! Duuuuhhhhh.

GLORIA
Oh no, it’s Presidents Day 2020 all over again!

MCGRATH
Alright, well this is as exact as my tracker gets. Ford and his team are somewhere in this cyclone of jungle juice and boat shoes.

SKIP
Well, they don’t call it a treasure hunt for nothing. Gloria, take Athena and Bowden, make sure she doesn’t run away, find him some coffee, and check the recreational area, and Mcgrath and I.

GLORIA
You two should search here around the resort pavilion.

SKIP
Oh... well, yes, that’s what I was going to say.

BOWDEN
(drunk)
Letssss check the volleyball court. Gloria, you dig. I’ll do Top Gun.

ATHENA
I’m down if you’re talking about the fiery explosion where the guy dies.

BOWDEN
Spoilers!

QUICK TRANSITION: The crowd sounds continue.

MCGRATH
Hey! Excuse me! We’re looking for this guy Davin Ford. He looks like Chris Evans got shoved through a Sims 2 generator. No? Hello? Ohhhh, you are passed out drunk. Jeez, what’s the point of Spring Break if you’re not even awake, right?

Beat.

MCGRATH (CONT’D)
Right, Skip?
(still nothing)
Okay Skip, you’ve been sulky for the last twenty minutes. You good?

SKIP
Hm? Yes! I’m great! I’m just on the lookout for Davin Ford. We have a plan... and we’re sticking to it...

MCGRATH
I mean, usually when you talk about a plan, you do a little shouldershake in excitement. And these shoulders... droopier than Yosemite Sam’s mustache. What’s up?

SKIP
It’s just, this whole mission... I’m not sure I was really needed. I’ve tried to contribute, but between you, and Bowden, and Gloria, you’ve all become so capable that you had everything covered. And now there’s Athena for when we need... a stick of dynamite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super proud of all of you! But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little bummed out not bringing anything to the table.

MCGRATH
Skip, I looked in your backpack on the plane and you literally brought two humidifiers and eleven tampons to the table.

SKIP
That’s just being prepared. Look... last year, I offered Timmy an internship, and he’d rather work for Davin Ford. And after Antarctica, it’s clear that the brass in Washington want Chet, not me. So where do I fit in? Maybe the truth is... I don’t. You all don’t need me.

MCGRATH
Skip... that is by far the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever heard you say. And I’ve heard some doozies from you in the last few years.

SKIP
McGrath...

MCGRATH
No, I mean that! Okay, first, Antarctica? I don’t give a rat’s bunghole what Washington says. That was you. Screw Chet and his Easter Island jawline. And as for what you bring to the team-- not only do you keep me from wringing Athena’s neck on a daily basis, you made us a
team, one where every one of us gets to shine and helps each other be the best we can. And just as important, you keep us a team. Davin and Timmy? That’s not real. They don’t have what we have. And that’s why we’re going to beat them. I’m sure of it.

SKIP
I appreciate you saying that... but you’re just saying it.

MCGRATH
I’m really not! You saw what happened to Bowden and Gloria when the EMF dissolved last year. We’re like... one of those balls of electricity at science museums where you touch it and your hair sticks up. You’re the glass dome surrounding it. You give us direction, keep us together so we can do some really cool stuff. Without you? None of us could weave a basket. We definitely couldn’t save the world. You’ve taught us a lot. Which is saying something because I already pretty much knew everything before I met you.

SKIP
Did you know that vacuum-cleaners were originally horse drawn? Which was good, because the horses themselves were making quite a mess-

MCGRATH
We never would have gotten this far without you. You keep us together. That’s the most valuable skill here.

SKIP
Thanks McGrath.

MCGRATH
Alright, that’s filled my earnest quota for the year. So... what next, Agent Granger?

SKIP
(considering)
Right now we’re just wandering around, hoping we run into Davin--

MCGRATH
Something I never thought we’d say.

SKIP
Your tracker got us this far, but it won’t finish the job for us. We need to go back to Harnsworth’s journal.

MCGRATH
Good call. Does he say anything about Mexico?

SKIP
Hmm... well a few pages after the sketches of the island in the Philippines... look...

MCGRATH
Just looks like a bunch of random letters to me.

SKIP
I’ve spent years developing passcodes for the EMF and based on how I approach that, I bet this is a cipher. Look here, throughout the pages, Harnsworth has started the first line of every paragraph in red ink. I think if we need to run each of them through the cipher. Then, you said we’re best as a team? Then I say, let’s get it back together.

SFX: TRANSITION

SFX: Gloria scrambling amongst the sounds of an interrupted volleyball game.

GLORIA
Excuse me! Keep playing your game. Don’t mind us! We’re going to look for clues real quick in he sand here-- OW! That hit me!

ATHENA
Good spike Ray. Best five bucks I ever spent.

BOWDEN
(slurred)
Ooooh, I got the ball! FOUR!

SFX: Bowden hits the volleyball as hard as he can, we hear the rubber being struck.

BOWDEN (CONT’D)
How many points do I get for getting it in the ocean?

GLORIA
...Sorry everyone.

SFX: Her phone rings.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Hello? Oh Agent Granger! Please tell me you’ve found something and I can take these two home.

SKIP
Not quite yet. Do you speak Dutch?

BOWDEN
(in the background, drunk)
Dutch?? No no, if they want me for the sequel they’ll pay for my whole meal! We’re not splitting anything!

GLORIA
Dutch? Not really-- I only took it for nine years in grade school and then minored in undergraduate. Why?

SKIP
We found a secret message in Harnsworth’s journal. Come meet us.

SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: Footsteps as Davin and Timmy walk across the hotel lobby floor. The beach party can still be heard outside.

SFX: A small desk bell rings.

DAVIN
Hello? Are you the concierge?

CONCIERGE
Yes sir, welcome to the Palm Pacific Hotel. Please excuse the group of rowdy youngsters outside, Spring Break, you know?

DAVIN
Yes indeed. See, I’m here on vacation with my--

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
His butler! I am the stoic yet ever vigilant Hans Darby Lincoln, keeper of family secrets including the envied family gumbo recipe. Ha HA!

DAVIN
Sure.

CONCIERGE
Splendid. So what can I help you with? Do you have a reservation?

DAVIN
Actually, we’re tourists and gosh darn it if we don’t just LOVE old irrigation systems from 1600-1875. We heard that your interior courtyard has a drinking well from that era with a beautiful stucco stonework. We’d love to see it.

CONCIERGE
Oh! Another irrigation maven.

DAVIN
Another?

SKIP
Well well well...

MCGRATH
Well? Like an actual well? Oh Skip, that was a terrible pun.

DAVIN
Granger! I thought you would have gone home in defeat already. What are you doing here?

SKIP
Oh, nothing much, just beating you at your own game!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
And what game would that be, Master Agent Granger? You know well that I am quite adept at a host of different games: Backgammon, Chutes & Ladders, and even... Tiddlywinks!

SKIP
All games of skill, Timmy, but not the one that matters here. Today, the name of the game is ‘be the first to procure the Harnsworth’s ceremonial flute out of the secret box hidden in a secret cache of the Meso-American watering hole!’

BOWDEN
We’re still workshopping the name.

DAVIN
You got it? How?

SKIP
Through the power of teamwork!

ATHENA
Gross. I just barfed a little bit.

DAVIN
‘Teamwork’ is very vague and doesn’t impress me in the slightest.

GLORIA
Well we’re not here to impress you, Davin! We’re here to do our job, do it well, and look great doing it!

BOWDEN
Paparazzi-ready. Always.

DAVIN
So you got this one. Very well. I congratulate you of course, as a gentleman should. And as a gentleman also should, I warn you: watch your back.

SKIP
Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of time to think this over and critique your mission performance. We’re taking you in for conspiracy to steal protected artifacts from native lands.

DAVIN
Not likely. Timmy, let’s get out of here.

ATHENA
Oh no, not so fast.

SFX: She grabs him.

DAVIN
Get your hands off me!

SFX: Athena whallops him.

DAVIN (CONT’D)
Hey, that hurt!

SKIP
Athena, stop!

ATHENA
What was that you said before? “Muzzled attack dog?”

SFX: She whallops him again

DAVIN
You’re not disproving my point!
(to Skip)
You’ll pay for this, Granger. There are more of me out there. Watch your back out there.

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
Yes! Watch your back! You never know who may be sneaking up behind you to put a ‘kick me’ sign on it!

SKIP
(checking)
What? You didn’t actually...

MCGRATH
Don’t get so excited Timmy, you’re coming with us too. Get him Gloria.

SFX: She grabs him

GLORIA
Come on, you- ugh... aaah!!! Oh my god! Your whole arm came off!

TIMMY TWO-BIT THOMPSON
You fell for my fake-arm ruse! I let you physically best me once in Mellancamp, Ms. Kovak. Twice was simply not an option. And now, I make my escape. Fare thee well! SMOKE BOMB! Ha HA!

SFX: A poof noise and some coughing as the smoke dissipates.

GLORIA
He’s gone! Oh my goodness, I should have been ready for the old “fake arm to avoid getting caught” trick.

BOWDEN
To be fair, I imagine if you grab someone and a whole limb comes off, and you’re NOT acting in a French farce, it changes you.

GLORIA
(reeling)
It really does.

SKIP
Don’t be too hard on yourself Gloria. Timmy is a mastermind in his own right. But we won’t let that happen again. We’ll find a way to track him down - he’ll regret not accepting my internship offer!

SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC

SFX: The sounds of the EMF Headquarters

SKIP (CONT’D)
--so in the end, McGrath talked the vim and verve back into me and we went back to the old fashioned way of doing things, solving marsupial themed riddles without the help of government satellite technology.

ZELDA
Yes, Skip, we know. They were all there, and I read your VERY extensive report.

SKIP
I know, but our little adventure inspired me to start keeping a journal of my own! I’m just dictating it, Siri is recording it all for posterity.

SIRI
Calling Paul Sarity.

SKIP
No Siri stop!

ATHENA
That’s it, take me back to the holding cell. Anything is better than being trapped with these goody-eight-shoes? You know, because between the four of you, there are eight feet?

BOWDEN
Oh Athena, that was a Skip-level joke.

SKIP
See? You ARE turning over a new leaf.

ATHENA
While I’m with you lot? Probably not. While I’m forced to be a government pawn? Definitely not.

GLORIA
Pawn?? What about all the people you use as pawns??

SKIP
Gloria, stop. It’s okay. Athena, You want so badly to hate the government and what we do. And I understand. It’s the easy way out-

ATHENA
Easy?! I’m talking about-

SKIP
But things... are just more complicated than that and fixing things well takes time. Weren’t you listening before? This wallaby artifact we recovered? We recovered it in partnership with the Division of Global Unity - a government funded program - to return it to the people of Papua New Guinea. To try and right some of the wrongs they’ve endured. And maybe you say it’s not worth it. Maybe you say it’s too small. Try telling that to the people who had this wallaby kazoo stolen from them. We have to start somewhere and some civil servants are really just trying to do good and they don’t deserve to have the government torn down. I’m proud of this mission. We helped people who needed help, and no one got hurt. Try and justify your volcano lairs all you want, Athena, but some of us are actually trying to pull people out of the lava.

ATHENA
Screw this. Take me to Supermax.

ZELDA
Yes, I think it’s time we had abreak from you. Let’s go.

SFX: The sound of handcuffs snapping shut and footsteps & ad lib as Zelda leads Athena (not super gently) out.

MCGRATH
Wow. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Athena speechless before. Yeah it was only for a minute, but still, Skip, that’s a win.

SKIP
She needed to hear it. She’s got a long way to go, but I really think if we can just get her to open her mind, just a bit...

MCGRATH
I’m not gonna say it’s impossible. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

GLORIA
I know you really want this, Skip. It just seems like a long shot.

BOWDEN
Some people only have the capacity to think about themselves. And we’re really risking a lot banking on the slim possibility she’s not one of them.

SKIP
I hear you all. And I promise, if she’s about to do something that would put us or anyone else at risk, we pull the plug.

MCGRATH
... I just hope you’re right.

SKIP
I do to. But you said it yourself McGrath: I have a a knack for putting teams together. I made us into a team-- the unlikely grouping of a computer hacker working off a sentence, a sitcom star, a former White House intern, and of course me! A debonair civil servant. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s a tall order with Athena. But I think it’s important and I have to try.

GLORIA
Okay. We hear you, Skip.

SKIP
But in the meantime, I’m in the mood to indulge in my other special skill: making cheesy fishsticks! Who wants some?

BOWDEN
Ummm...

MCGRATH
No, I swear guys, I can’t explain it, but they’re really good. He puts this smoked paprika on and it--

MUSIC: END THEME

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written by Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Section Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jean Barry as Quinn Corrino
Jill Ivey as Concierge and Siri
and Bob Killion as Party Bro and The Admiral

Guest starring Benn Iffring as Chuck E. Cheese Waiter
J. Michael DeAngelis as Davin Ford
Caden Dowgin as Timmy "Two Bit" Thompson
John Dowgin as Mondo
Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcreif
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
and Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien and Ted Desoto

Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.

Are you or someone you loved affected by the loss of ceremonial kangaroo kazoos? For as little as $1 a month, you can help us raise awareness of kazoo theft and other injustices. Visit MissionRejected.com and click "Support Us" for more information. A kangaroo thanks you.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. EMF SUPERMAX

SFX: Davin, in chains, being lead down the hall by Zelda.

They stop and the door opens.

ZELDA
Here you are, Mr. Ford. Meet your new home.

DAVIN
Charming.

ZELDA
And your cell mates. Have fun.

SFX: Zelda leaves.

BALTHAZAR
Ah! A fourth for bridge!

LUCKY
Hey there, cutie!

JEFF THE BARD (SINGING)
JEFFFFFF!

CHILD STAR
Ahh good, someone new to run lines with!

DESOTO
Hi, Ted Desoto. Can I interest you in some vitamin pills?

DAVIN
Ah, no thank you.

KRISTATOS
So, another second rate criminal taken down by my little girl! Who is right behind you!

ATHENA
Hey Ford. Ready for round two?

SFX: She whallops him.

DAVIN
OW! Stop that!

ATHENA
You shouldn’t have made me mad, Ford. I have a long memory, and we have a long sentence.

DAVIN
I assure you, Ms. O’Brien, I didn’t mean a word of it. It was all part of the con.

ATHENA
...What con?

DAVIN
You really thought my incarceration by the EMF was unintentional? Oh, Ms. O’Brien... Yes, we wanted the Melanesian ceremonial flute, but there was something we wanted more. A direct line of contact within EMF headquarters.

ATHENA
Who’s ‘we’? What are you talking about?

DAVIN
Don’t you see? Me being taken in was all meticulously planned. And you are exactly the person I wish to speak to.

MUSIC: END STINGER