Season Three, Episode Three: “GHOST PEPPER PROTOCOL”
TRANSCRIPT

INT. EMF SUPERMAX
SFX: CHAIRS BEING PULLED INTO A CIRCLE

STUDEBAKER
Alrighty, bad people, let’s get started. Thank you all for coming to my signature EMF Super Max group therapy.

KRISTATOS
Ugh, what terrible crime did I commit to be stuck in this infernal purgatory with these baboons?

SFX: CELL DOOR OPENS, CHET ENTERS

CHET
Grand larceny, terrorism, money laundering, attempted murder, actual murder...shall I go on?

KRISTATOS
Chet Phillips.

STUDEBAKER
Jeepers creepers, look who it is! What can I get you, Bucky? Something from Dr. Biff’s special bag? A red one? A blue one? Oh, look, I’ve got a green one! No wait...that’s a Jolly Rancher.

BALTHAZAR
If there’s a cyanide pill in there, I’ll take it.

LUCKY
I’ll have the Jolly Rancher.

CHET
I’m good, thanks, Dr. S. I’m just here to...observe.

KRISTATOS
You mean you’re here to gloat.

STUDEBAKER
Hey, Uncle Jocko, are you holding the talking stick?

KRISTATOS
No.

STUDEBAKER
Then wait your turn.

CHET
Sorry, Kris.

STUDEBAKER
Ah ah ah. You too, Agent Hotpants. Lucky has the talking stick. Wait your turn.

ADMIRAL
(In Chet’s head)
We’re good at waiting. Aren’t we, Chet?

CHET
Shut up.

LUCKY
But I haven’t even started yet.

CHET
Not you, Lucky. Sorry, I’ve been...

ADMIRAL
(In Chet’s head)
Possessed by a multi-dimensional god of the ocean?

CHET
Talking to myself.

STUDEBAKER
It’s okay, Chucky. We all do it from time to time.

BALTHAZAR
Excuse me, why is it alright for him to spout nonsense but I’m reprimanded every time I open my mouth?

STUDEBAKER
Because you don’t talk, you monologue.

BALTHAZAR
Oh that this too too solid flesh could melt -

LUCKY
Hey hey hey! I’ve got the stick here!

STUDEBAKER
Yes. Now, Betty Boop, I think when we ended last time, you were about to have a big break through about a certain man in your life...

KRISTATOS
Why must everyone blame their FATHER? We do our best!

LUCKY
Not mine! Mr. Lesmacher and Mom fought like cats and dogs. If he even WAS my father. I always thought I looked a lot like Liberace.

BALTHAZAR
You should be so lucky, Lucky.

STUDEBAKER
I was once taught by Liberace. Criminal pathology if I remember correctly. Which I usually don’t. Why don’t we move on to today’s guest therapist. Come on in here, Olive Oil.

SFX: Crash. Boom. Smash. A classic Pickle entrance.

DR. PICKLE
Uh, good morning everyone. Doctors. Agent Phillips. Assorted super villains. Today, we’re going to explore personal boundaries...by coloring in these maps of European borders!

SFX: The bad guys groan as Pickle hands out the papers.

CHET
I’ll take one of those.

DR. PICKLE
Oh. Thank you for setting such an excellent example, Agent Phillips. Ooops. Sorry, I seem to have smashed some crayon into your suit jacket.

SFX: The group therapy session continues in the background, but fades down, as the Admiral takes center stage in Chet’s mind.

ADMIRAL
(In Chet’s head)
Why are you wasting your time with these juvenile land dwellers? You think coloring within the lines will free yourself from the grip of Zeerox? I own you, Chet Phillips. Don’t fight it. This could be so easy. Surrender yourself to me now and you could be back out in the field, accepting missions, performing acts of bravado and derring-do...and preparing the world to be enslaved to THE POWER OF THE OCEAN!

CHET
NOOOOO!

DR. PICKLE
YESSS! Oh, sorry, I panicked.

CHET
This isn’t working.

BALTHAZAR
No kidding, this map is wildly inaccurate. What the hell is Southeast Western Ireland?

CHET
We need to accelerate the rehabilitation process. Something much stronger than coloring books.

STUDEBAKER
Well, Karol and I have been working on an experimental reform treatment. Theoretically, it could purge any malignant or deviant thoughts. But it’s incredibly dangerous. I haven’t had a chance to use it on a human test subject yet. Plus, Karol is on vacation and I don’t know where she keeps the keys...

ADMIRAL
(In Chet’s head)
No, no, no, no! Rejected! Rejected!

CHET
I’m in.

MUSIC: THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Ghost Pepper Protocol.

INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM
SFX: Beeps. Bloops. On tape, Mission Voice is having the best meal of his life.

MISSION VOICE
(On tape. Mouth full.)
Good evening, Agent Phillips. The criminal organization known to us as The Syndicate has...oh my God...this is like mind blowing. Are those capers?

CATERER S. DEAR
(On tape)
Yes, in a Greek lemon reduction.

MISSION VOICE
(On tape)
You know, I usually don’t care for them, but I would LITERALLY take a bath in these.

SFX: Tape off.

SKIP
And...it goes on like that.

MCGRATH
Are you SURE it’s a mission tape? Maybe he just left the recorder on during dinner.

BOWDEN
How can we be sure it’s even him? I’ve never heard him express...emotion.

GLORIA
I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking - how is it that in a top secret organization the most mysterious person is our voice over artist?

BOWDEN
That’s a powerful union.

SKIP
I’ve been assured this IS an official mission tape. Section Chief Anders asked me to gather you all here for a briefing on...whatever is happening on that tape.

MCGRATH
Oh my gosh. Are we going to have a capers caper?

GLORIA
Ugh, Miss McGrath, that was terrible. I loved it.

SFX: Door. Zelda. Athena.

SKIP
Ah! Section Chief Anders and Work Release Prisoner O’Brien!

ATHENA
Afternoon, COLLEAGUES!

GLORIA
I really hate it when she says that.

ZELDA
As much as I endorse griping, we have a serious situation and a rapidly closing time window to deal with it.

ATHENA
Menopause comes for us all, BOSS.

ZELDA
You should wake up every morning and thank God for the Geneva conventions. Agent-in-Training McGrath, slide projector.

MCGRATH
On it, Z.

SFX: Projector on

ZELDA
You are looking at the notorious mob boss, Nozzle Sarpa, head of the infamous Gambazo crime family, and a key player in the Syndicate.

SKIP
Seen here holding an ADORABLE kitten!

BOWDEN
It’s clearly Nozzle’s homage to the great Marlon Brando’s masterful turn in The Godfather.

SKIP
Oh? I’ve never seen it.

BOWDEN
(GASPS AS IF HE’S BEEN SHOT)

ZELDA
Focus, please. Law enforcement at nearly every level have been trying to take down Nozzle - from local police to the IRS. But Nozzle has been untouchable thanks to the number of senators, congressmen and government staffers in his pocket.

SKIP
I’m sure you meant congresspeople.

GLORIA
Yeah, women can be corrupt too!

ATHENA
Sarpa seems like my kind of guy. Power, money, ambition. What’s not to like?

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
The Powell Street murders.

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
The Cow Pasture Creamery massacre.

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
And of course, the slaughter at Remington Clown College.

SFX: Gasps. Somehow, a clown nose squeaks.

GLORIA
What a monster.

ZELDA
Nozzle Sarpa has been directly or indirectly responsible for countless deaths. His reputation for violence is legendary.

SKIP
I’ve heard he can train anyone or ANYTHING to kill.

ZELDA
Not to mention drug running, tax evasion, counterfeiting, smuggling, and a major bootleg DVD operation.

SFX: Slide change.

BOWDEN
OH MY GOD. Is that Several Rooms with Multiple Views? THAT’S MY MOVIE! I’M BEING BOOTLEGGED!

GLORIA
Bo, deep breaths!

BOWDEN
On the one hand, I’ve made a movie worth bootlegging! On the other hand...MY ROYALTIES!

MCGRATH
Wow, Bowden, a whole fifty cents.

ATHENA
Damn. Beat me to it.

ZELDA
We’ve just learned Nozzle is having a private dinner tonight at his house for several major players.

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
Bobby “Humps” Maguire, who runs Sarpa’s book making operation.

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
Angelo Pesce, aka Angie the Lox, Sarpa’s chief enforcer out of Atlantic City.

SFX: Slide change

ZELDA
And Senator Karen Sanford-Bipps of Florida.

ATHENA
A corrupt senator from Florida. SHOCKING.

MCGRATH
I’m upset by how in sync we are.

ZELDA
Your mission is to infiltrate Nozzle’s party and get enough incriminating evidence on tape that we can leverage against Senator Bipps to turn state’s evidence.

SKIP
You said this was a private dinner. How are we going to get in without...mob stuff happening to us?

ZELDA
In amazing stroke of luck, Nozzle Sarpa’s favorite caterer happens to be on the EMF approved vendors list.

SFX: Zelda hits the intercom buzzer.

ZELDA
You can come in now.

SFX: The door opens and everyone gasps as CATERER S. DEAR enters.

CATERER S. DEAR
Salutations.

ATHENA
My wedding caterer?

CATERER S. DEAR
Indeed. I am the owner and head chef of JanuEats. In fact, you still owe me for the wanton destruction of my china, glassware and TABLES. Not to mention the Wagyu beef.

ATHENA
Talk to the groom’s family.

SKIP
That table saved our lives. We’re really in your debt.

CATERER S. DEAR
Yes, so I keep saying to your accounts payable. Some guy named Leon says I need a purchase order?

ZELDA
Rest assured, your assistance in our current mission will not only see all our past debts to you paid but a sizable additional contribution will be made to your company.

CATERER S. DEAR
Very well, but I MUST stress that nothing can go wrong with this dinner. Unsavory as he may be, Nozzle Sarpa is one of my best customers. He has a remarkably sophisticated palate - and he always pays his bills. Unlike some others I might name. He also likes to break legs when he’s unhappy.

SKIP
You can count on the EMF, Mister...I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.

CATERER S. DEAR
Caterer S. Dear.

GLORIA
Your actual name is CATERER?

CATERER S. DEAR
Yes.

MCGRATH
Because...

CATERER S. DEAR
Because my parents came from a long line of believers in pre-destination. All of my siblings and I were given career-path-slash-names at birth.

BOWDEN
Such as...

CATERER S. DEAR
Gardner S. Dear, Nurse S. Dear, and my baby brother, John Deere S. Dear.

ATHENA
Your father was Dumbass S. Dear.

SKIP
Athena, we must learn to accept everyone’s family backgrounds.

ATHENA
Great. Start accepting that everyone in my family is better than you in every conceivable way.

GLORIA
Section Chief, what exactly is the game plan here?

ZELDA
You will pose as kitchen and wait staff under the employ of JanuEats. This will give you access to the house and each guest. Each of you will wear a wire and record everything that’s said. Chef, give them their assignments.

CATERER S. DEAR
Miss McGrath, Miss O’Brien, you will be my bar maids. This will keep you around the guests the longest. Nozzle has pre-selected a wine pairing with dinner, but the evening will open with a cocktail hour. I trust you both know how to tend bar?

MCGRATH / ATHENA
Are you kidding me? Etc

ZELDA
Athena, you are not to be more than six feet away from McGrath at any time. Not only do we have a tracking device in your blood stream, but I added a miniature explosive device to your breakfast this morning. Step more than six feet away from McGrath and...splat.

ATHENA
You did NOT.

ZELDA
Pat and I loved Suicide Squad.

ATHENA
This mix of anger and admiration is a very new feeling for me. I still think you’re lying.

ZELDA
Try me.

CATERER S. DEAR
Miss Kovak? You’ll be on salads and starters. We’ll open with an antipasto plate and a simple Caesar salad. The dressing is easy to prepare, which you will do table side.

GLORIA
All the better to catch some baddies on tape!

CATERER S. DEAR
Mister Montcrief - you’ll be serving the soup course. I’ve already prepared the Minestrone, so all you need to do is heat and serve.

BOWDEN
The soup! At last, I’ll have my revenge on Joel McHale.

SKIP
Oh my gosh, does this mean I’m on the main course?

CATERER S. DEAR
Oh. No no no no no. My signature main course is a Cacio e Pepe Carbonara en Vessie - pasta in a delicate egg, cheese and black pepper sauce...

ALL
Yum / Oh my God/ Yes / etc

CATERER S. DEAR
Cooked inside a dehydrated pig’s bladder.

ALL
WHY GOD WHY? / Yuck! / Vomit / etc

MCGRATH
My God, it’s like the Olive Garden version of haggis.

CATERER S. DEAR
Don’t knock it till you try it.

BOWDEN
UGH, I HAVE. You may remember my brilliant guest turn on a season two episode of Hannibal where I played “Dinner Guest Three” - Dr. Lector served us all a bit of his dog walker’s brains. And that’s EXACTLY what they used as the prop food. I never want to see another pig’s bladder for the rest of my life!

CATERER S. DEAR
Regardless, the procedure is very complicated and ANY misstep or bad timing can ruin the entire thing.

SKIP
Totally understood. It will be an honor to be your sous chef. A job I have always wanted!

CATERER S. DEAR
No, Mr. Granger, you will be handling the dessert.

SKIP
Excellent! What are making? Cannoli? Tiramisu? Pignoli cookies?

CATERER S. DEAR
Lemon gelato. Just scoop - and serve.

SKIP
(Disappointed noise.)

CATERER S. DEAR
You can add a spring of basil if you think you can manage it.

SKIP
Done and done!

ZELDA
There are catering uniforms waiting for you in wardrobe. Suit up and head out. The dinner is being held at Nozzle’s summer home outside of Ocean City, Maryland.

CATERER S. DEAR
I didn’t realize it was at the Maryland house!

ZELDA
Is that a problem?

CATERER S. DEAR
Quite the contrary! We could get fresh crabs! Crabs and spaghetti is one of Nozzle’s favorites.

ZELDA
Can I advise you to NOT start changing the plan before you’ve even left the room?

BOWDEN
Come on, Zelda. When I did the musical version of Blue Velvet, we were rewriting until the curtain came up - and frankly, quite awhile after.

GLORIA
That one was weird. But you were great as the severed ear.

SKIP
Alright, team, let’s go out there and see that justice...

ATHENA
DO NOT SAY IT.

SKIP
...gets served.

ATHENA
Please put me back in jail.

MUSIC: Transition

INT. NOZZLE’S BEACH HOUSE

SFX: Ding dong, doorbell! The door is opened by Nozzle Sarpa, a heavyset, wheezing mobster. The kind you see on tv or hear on podcasts.

NOZZLE
Caterer!

CATERER S. DEAR
Mr. Sarpa.

NOZZLE
I was expecting you ten minutes ago. You’re late.

CATERER S. DEAR
Forgive me, but I think you’ll be happy to hear why.

NOZZLE
Did you...

CATERER S. DEAR
Stop for fresh crabs? I sure did.

NOZZLE
Caterer, you’re the best! What a feast we’re going to have! Pull your truck around back and I’ll open the kitchen door.

CATERER S. DEAR
Before we do that, I wanted to introduce you to my team for tonight.

NOZZLE
Where’s your usual men? Giuseppe? Bruno? Little Pete?

CATERER S. DEAR
We were unfortunately already booked for a bat mitzvah, but I can never turn down an offer to cook for you, so they’re handling that and I’ve brought...the “b-team.”

SFX: The team shuffles in.

SKIP
Good evening, Mr. Sarpa, we’re looking forward to cooking you the finest Italian dinner you’ve ever had.

NOZZLE
Better than my nonna’s?

SKIP
TEN TIMES!

SFX: Nozzle grabs Skip by the lapels.

NOZZLE
You listen here, you little snot nosed punk, nobody cooks better than my sainted nonna! NOBODY!

SKIP
Of course not, sir. What I meant was...even if we tried ten times as hard, we could never match nonna’s cooking.

NOZZLE
That’s right.

BOWDEN
Don Sarpa, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.

NOZZLE
Caterer, does this guy think that every Italian American business man just goes crazy every time a Godfather joke is made?

CATERER S. DEAR
Well, uh, he’s new, and...

NOZZLE
BECAUSE HE’S RIGHT! Come here, you son of a gun! I like this one, C.

SFX: Nozzle pulls in Bowden and stars giving him noogies.

BOWDEN
Thank you, Godfather. May I have another?

CATERER S. DEAR
Here are your bartenders for this evening, Miss -

ATHENA
Propriate. Inna Propriate.

MCGRATH
And I’m...Gina Tonic.

CATERER S. DEAR
(GROANS)

NOZZLE
What magnificent specimens of womanhood! But can they make a drink? Lemme have a Negroni.

ATHENA
Coming right up.

SFX: Pour pour pour. Stir stir stir.

MCGRATH
Don’t forget the vermouth, Inna.

ATHENA
As if I could.

SFX: She hands Nozzle the drink.

ATHENA
Just how you like it.

NOZZLE
(Sipping)
My dear, this is...perhaps the best Negroni I have ever been served.

ATHENA
My pleasure.

MCGRATH
Well, he hasn’t tried mine yet.

NOZZLE
Two beautiful women fighting over me? Caterer, you’ve really stepped up your game.

CATERER S. DEAR
It’s all part of the fine dining experience.

GLORIA
Speaking of, chef, we should get prepping.

NOZZLE
And who is this stellina?

GLORIA
Oh, uh, well, my name tag says...Cindi? With an I. Ugh, really?

NOZZLE
No. I call you stellina. My little star.

BOWDEN
Aw, I want to be stellina.

CATERER S. DEAR
Enough chit chat. Let’s get cooking! There’s a service entrance around the back - start loading in.

NOZZLE
One more thing. You may overhear a few things while you are serving me and my guests tonight. You all seem like reasonable people, so I trust you’ll understand me when I say: if you ever repeat a WORD of what gets said here tonight - I’ll kill you.

ATHENA
I love this guy.

MUSIC: Transition

INT. THE KITCHEN

SFX: The team is prepping dinner.

CATERER S. DEAR
Alright, since we’ve adjusted the menu to add the crabs, I’m going to ask you to do that prep for me, Skip. The crabs are in that basket.

SKIP
Yes yes yes! On my way to sous chef status!

SFX: Skip lifts the lid of the wicker crab basket.

SKIP
OH!

GLORIA
What’s the mater?

SKIP
These crabs are alive!

CATERER S. DEAR
Yes...they need to be served fresh.

SKIP
So my prep involves...

CATERER S. DEAR
Killing them. Here’s a hammer.

SKIP
WHAT?

CATERER S. DEAR
If you don’t want to hammer them, you can whack them on a stone, but I assume you don’t want to hold them by their claws.

SKIP
Wh-wh-whack them?

CATERER S. DEAR
Look. See this little t-shaped bit on their belly? One good whack against that and they’re gone instantly. It’s humane.

SKIP
Well, I think the humane thing would be not to kill them at all.

CATERER S. DEAR
If you can’t do it, I’m sure Bowden can. I’ll just tell Chief Anders you weren’t up for it...

SKIP
Now, now, don’t be hasty. I’ll take care of it! Come on, basket buddies. Off we go. To your doom.

BOWDEN
Chin up, Skip. If it helps, just picture each one of them as a little J.J. Prescott.

GLORIA
Or picture them naked! Wait, no, that’s for public speaking.

SFX: The doorbell in the next room.

CATERER S. DEAR
They’re arriving! Gloria, salads!

GLORIA
Heard, chef!

SFX: Quick transition

INT. NOZZLE'S BEACH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: The door being opened.

NOZZLE
Humps! Get in here, you plate of gabagool.

HUMPS
Godfather. I’m touched as always by your hospitality, but this clean ocean air. It disagrees with me.

NOZZLE
Well, a drink will fix that right up. Gina, get my boy Humps here a Seven and Seven.

MCGRATH
Right away, Mr. Sarpa.

SFX: McGrath starts mixing.

MCGRATH
So. Why do they call you Humps?

ATHENA
Are you sure you want to know that?

HUMPS
You know how people call setbacks “little humps”?

MCGRATH
Sure. I guess.

HUMPS
I’m the setback. Thanks for the drink, toots.

MCGRATH
Was that supposed to be...cool?

ATHENA
Let me get the next one. You are terrible at this. We learned literally nothing about him.

MCGRATH
Oh yes, because he was SO talkative I could have gotten the nuclear launch codes from him.

SFX: Ding dong. Door opens.

ANGIE THE LOX
Heya, Nozzle.

NOZZLE
Angie the Lox! Let me take a look at you! My God, you’re thin as a rail! What’s going on? Atlantic City not feeding you?

ANGIE THE LOX
My doctor recommended I lose a few pounds if I wanted to see the next decade. So I gave him cement shoes and dumped him off the Steel Pier. But...then I realized he was probably right. So - I’m dieting.

NOZZLE
Classic the Lox.

HUMPS
I hope you sent his widow a nice fruit basket.

ANGIE THE LOX
Of course. What do you take me for, a monster?

ATHENA
Heya, tall, dark and skinny. What can I get you to drink?

ANGIE THE LOX
Club soda.

ATHENA
Oh, come now. This is a special evening. Let me make you something with style.

ANGIE THE LOX
Ok. Add a twist of lime.

SFX: Ding dong. Door open.

NOZZLE
Karen! Buona sera!

BIPPS
Get out of the doorway, you grease ball. I can’t be seen out here.

SFX: Bipps pushes her way in and Nozzle shuts the door.

NOZZLE
Oh God forbid a US Senator be seen with a “legitimate businessman” such as myself.

BIPPS
What? Are you nuts? My association with you only makes me more popular in Florida. But to be seen eating Maryland seafood? Suicide.

NOZZLE
Hey, we’re still south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

HUMPS
How’s it hanging, Bipps?

BIPPS
Pretty good, Humps. If everything goes my way, my bill banning serving milk to children will be passed.

ANGIE THE LOX
What’s wrong with milk?

BIPPS
It’s disgusting. Do you know where it comes from? COWS. Their private parts.

ANGIE THE LOX
So you what do you pour over your Corn Flakes?

BIPPS
Fresh Florida Orange Juice. What else?

MCGRATH
Can I get you a drink, ma'am?

BIPPS
White Russian.

MCGRATH
O--kay

ANGIE THE LOX
But doesn’t that have -

BIPPS
Milk? Yes, I’m not an idiot. My bill on prevents it from being served to children. Just don’t tell the neckbeards down in the Keys. And make it a double, sweetheart, it was a long day.

MCGRATH
Here you are, Senator.

SFX: A dinner gong.

NOZZLE
Everyone knows what that sound means: first course. Please, take your seats.

SFX: The kitchen door swings open and in comes Caterer, followed by Gloria, wheeling a serving cart.

CATERER S. DEAR
Gentlemen. Lady. Our first course tonight: Caesar Salad, prepared in the traditional table side manner. Cindi here will tend to you while I prepare the entrees. Mangia!

SFX: He slips back into the kitchen. Gloria wheels her squeaky cart up to the table.

GLORIA
Good evening, ladies and gents. It’s an honor to serve you all this evening.

NOZZLE
Ah, my stellina. The honor is ours.

GLORIA
Please, just continue your conversation like I’m not here. I’ll just be...tossing your salad.

ANGIE THE LOX
I hope that salad dressing will have anchovies.

GLORIA
Of course.

ANGIE THE LOX
Excellent.

SFX: Gloria starts making the dressing.

NOZZLE
Now, as my father always told me - business during the salad course. Senator Bipps, would you care to tell us how your efforts to stop taxing our casinos are coming along?

SFX: Quick Transition

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Soup boiling to a heart bubble.

BOWDEN
Boil boil toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

CATERER S. DEAR
Montcrief, what are you doing?

BOWDEN
Preparing the soup, like you asked!

CATERER S. DEAR
I said heat it not turn it molten!

SFX: The door opens, Gloria comes in with her cart.

GLORIA
I got it!

BOWDEN
Already?

GLORIA
They launched right into it! Bipps is fixing it so Nozzle’s casinos get a tax dodge - in exchange for a healthy percentage of their income!

BOWDEN
That should be more than enough to lean on her!

CATERER S. DEAR
Oh thank God. So the rest of the meal can just proceed normally?

GLORIA
Here, listen to the tape!

SFX: Gloria pulls out her recorder, rewinds and hits play.

NOZZLE
(On tape)
...how your efforts to stop taxing our casinos are coming along?

BIPPS
(On tape)
Well -

SFX: And then their voices are drowned out by the sounds of Gloria preparing the salad dressing: CLANG! SWISH! WHISK! POUND! GRATE!

BOWDEN
What is THAT?

GLORIA
Oh no! I had to hold the mixing bowl close to my chest to get a good grip on it while I whisked! All my mic picked up was my mixing! I blew it.

SFX: Tape off.

BOWDEN
That’s just what Nancy Reagan used to say - and look how great things worked out for her!

GLORIA
Well, there’s still soup, crabs, pasta and dessert to go through, I suppose.

CATERER S. DEAR
Gordon Ramsey, give me strength.

SFX: The dining room door opens and Nozzle sticks his head in.

NOZZLE
Hey, C, we’re ready for soup!

SFX: Door closes

CATERER S. DEAR
Already? They need to slow down and chew their food or they’re going to want their entrees before I’m ready with main course. And those crabs need to be in the pot yesterday. I’m going to have to prepare the pig’s bladder surprise first and we’ll do the crabs as the entrée. If Granger ever gets them ready.

BOWDEN
What IS Skip doing out there?

SFX: Quick transition

EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

SKIP
Okay. Okay. Skip, you can do this. You have to do this. It’s for the good of the country! Oooh, but you’re looking at me with those sad eyes!

SFX: Back door opens.

GLORIA
Skip, what’s taking so long?

SKIP
I can’t do it! Frankie is giving me such a sad look.

GLORIA
Who’s Frankie?

SKIP
The crab.

GLORIA
You NAMED HIM?

SKIP
I named all of them! Frankie, Crabby, Augustus, Fred, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne...

GLORIA
Let me guess, that one is Scooby.

SKIP
No, that one is Zelda.

GLORIA
SKIP!

SKIP
She reminds me of the section chief!

GLORIA
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of see it.

SKIP
So obviously, that makes this one Pat.

GLORIA
Awwwww... (Snapping out of it) No! Skip, I’m sorry, give me that hammer.

SKIP
No! Gloria, I out rank you and I’m aborting this crab assassination plot.

GLORIA
But the dinner! The mission! What are we going to serve Sarpa?

SKIP
Call out for pizza?

SFX: Quick Transition

INT. NOZZLE'S BEACH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Bowden comes out of the kitchen wheeling the soup.

BOWDEN
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, JanuEats catering company is proud to present...the soup!

SFX: Bowden lifts the lid of the pot with a flourish.

HUMPS
Is that... minestrone?

BIPPS
It smells heavenly!

NOZZLE
A specialty of the house. Sometimes, a simple taste of home is all you want. Please, waiter, serve. Inna, Gina? Please uncork the bottle of Port. It should pair perfectly.

ATHENA
Right away.

SFX: Bowden starts spooning out the soup. McGrath and Athena uncork and pour the wine.

MCGRATH
Would you like to sniff the cork?

NOZZLE
No need. This is from my family’s own vineyards back in the old country. I hope you all enjoy it. Because if you don’t...I’ll kill you.

SFX: A beat and then all the mobsters breakout in hysterical laughter.

ANGIE THE LOX
A toast to the Godfather!

BIPPS
Here here!

HUMPS
To the Godfather!

SFX: Glasses clink.

NOZZLE
Enough flattery! Let’s eat. Angie, how’s tricks in Atlantic City?

ANGIE THE LOX
Let’s just say the Ides of March ain’t the only thing Caesar’s needs to beware...

SFX: Nozzle takes a big slurp of his soup and then winces.

NOZZLE
Mama mia, that is hot!

SFX: Bipps does the same.

BIPPS
Ouch! But it’s sooo good!

SFX: Now Humps and Angie

HUMPS
It burns but I love it!

ANGIE THE LOX
Why, God, why?

BOWDEN
More?

ANGIE THE LOX
Please.

SFX: The slurping and cries of pain and elation continue.

ATHENA
This is ridiculous.

MCGRATH
It is. But, honestly, with our track record, pretty tame.

ATHENA
You’re never going to get them to say anything incriminating on tape while they’re stuffing their faces. It was a dumb plan to start with.

MCGRATH
I suppose you have a better idea?

ATHENA
Obviously. Do you have your SnapFace machine with you?

MCGRATH
Obviously. Why?

SFX: Athena plops some ice cubs in a glass and starts making a drink.

ATHENA
Time for a refill.

MCGRATH
Athena, wait.

SFX: Athena plops something into the drink, which fizzes, and heads to Nozzle.

NOZZLE
So hot. So good!

ATHENA
Here, big boy, cool your tongue with my special sea breeze. Extra ice.

NOZZLE
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

SFX: Nozzle guzzles the drink.

ATHENA
Feel better?

NOZZLE
Yes, thank yo - uhh... why is the room spinning?

SFX: SPLAT! Nozzle goes face down in the soup! Everyone reacts.

HUMPS
Godfather!

ANGIE THE LOX
Get his face out of that soup before it burns his face off!

HUMPS
Call 9-1-1!

BIPPS
Oh no. Get my car! I’m out here. I can’t be seen!

ATHENA
Everyone, stay calm. The Godfather just had a little too much to drink. Gina, help me get him to the kitchen. He just needs some black coffee.

MCGRATH
Right. Everyone enjoy the rest of your soup. Slowly. We’ll have him right as rain in just a moment.

SFX: Athena and McGrath drag Nozzle into the kitchen.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

ATHENA
Little help here, fellas?

BOWDEN
Great Scott!

CATERER S. DEAR
Oh no no no no! What did you do?

MCGRATH
Ask Lady MacBeth over here.

CATERER S. DEAR
You KILLED him?

ATHENA
Of course not. I just slipped him a mickey. He’ll be out, but not for that long. McGrath, SnapFace. Bowden, start stripping him.

BOWDEN
RED FLAG.

ATHENA
You have to go out there as Nozzle. Start getting these boobs to start implicating themselves.

BOWDEN
Oh, it’s for a role. Stripping away!

MCGRATH
I can’t believe you drugged him! Typical super villain move. I say we roast her and serve her as the next course!

ATHENA
The plan wasn’t working. I saw an opportunity and I took it.

CATERER S. DEAR
This is it. This is the end of my career. I’m going to have to change my name.

ATHENA
Sure. Witness Protection S. Dear has a nice ring to it. Here, tie him up and gag him.

SFX: Caterer whimpers but goes along with it. McGrath pulls out the SnapFace.

MCGRATH
Say cheese, Nozzle.

SFX: Click as she takes a picture. SnapFace printer whirrs.

MCGRATH
Here you go, Bowden. You think you can do the voice?

BOWDEN
Well, I only heard him speak briefly, but, uh...

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse.

MCGRATH
Great. Get out there. They’re going to be done with that soup soon. How we doing with the rest of the meal?

CATERER S. DEAR
I just need a few moments on the pig’s bladder.

MCGRATH
And the crabs?

SFX: Quick transition

EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

GLORIA
How did he get a knife?

SKIP
I don’t know, but I think he knows how to use it!

SFX: Crabby swings his blade and Skip and Gloria scream.

SKIP
Easy, Crabby, easy. We’re all on the same team here. (Softly, to Gloria) Gloria, get the hammer.

GLORIA
(Whispering)
Be careful, Skip.

SKIP
(Whispering)
Me? I thought you were going to whack him.

SFX: Crabby swings his blade. They scream. Quick transition.

INT. NOZZLE'S BEACH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Bowden, as Nozzle, comes in from the kitchen, followed by Athena and McGrath.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Do forgive me, fellow criminals. Just a momentary lapse in consciousness. Please, let us resume our soup...and discussion of illegal activities.

ANGIE THE LOX
Godfather, are you alright?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I’m superior.

MCGRATH
Like we said, just needed a little black coffee.

ATHENA
Why don’t you all finish your soup? The chef will be out with his special presentation momentarily.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
What an excellent idea, Ath - Inna.

SFX: Bowden takes a sip of soup. It's so hot, he drops his cover.

BOWDEN
Good God that’s hot soup!

BIPPS
Nozzle?!

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I mean...that’s a spicy meat-a-ball.

HUMPS
Actually, I find it quite bland. Spice wise.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
So, Angie. I think you were going to tell us about your troubles in Atlantic City?

ANGIE THE LOX
I didn’t want to say nothin’ disturbing in front of our guests.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Please, you are amongst friends.

ANGIE THE LOX
Well, if you insist. I’m afraid I’ve got a very serious situation on my hands...with my mother.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I see - wait - your mother?

HUMPS
Oh, Angie, is it her balance?

ANGIE THE LOX
She fell again. Going down to the basement. THE BASEMENT. I don’t even know why she would be going down there.

BIPPS
We talked about this - she thinks the washer and dryer are still down there. She forgets you moved them upstairs.

HUMPS
Have you thought any more about assisted living?

BIPPS
Or at least bringing in someone to look after her?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
As touching as this is, I think we need to focus on more pressing matters.

BIPPS
Nozzle, I’m surprised at you! What’s more important than family?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Well, I mean, you must have so much going on in Florida. Maybe something we can help with...

BIPPS
Well, I guess you’ve all noticed that I’m here alone. It seems my husband has gone “camping” again with Tucker.

HUMPS
That segone!

ANGIE THE LOX
I told you, Karen. You gotta let me and Humps take care of this.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Yes, you should tell us EXACTLY how’d you do that!

ANGIE THE LOX
It’s simple. Our cousin Johnny is the best divorce lawyer in the country.

HUMPS
He was the one who took care of the Martha Stewart Pete Davidson annulment.
Bowden is so shocked he almost breaks character.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
What? I didn’t even know they were married!

ANGIE THE LOX
Exactly.

BIPPS
I can’t get a divorce in an election year.

MCGRATH
Well, your plan is working out great. It’s family therapy night for the Corleones.

ATHENA
I feel if Skip were here, he’d be proud I’d started the healing process.

MCGRATH
(Long sigh)
You’re not wrong.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Well, if divorce is off the table, we could always just bump him off.

SFX: A stunned silence.

HUMPS
With all due respect, Godfather, what the hell is wrong with you?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Uh...nothing? Killin’ people is like our bread and butter. Why don’t we all agree here and now to whack Mr. Bipps right between the eyeballs?

SFX: Karen lets out a little cry.

ANGIE THE LOX
There are only three rules in this house: take your shoes off before you walk on the shag carpeting, no skinny dipping in the pool before sunset - and no talking about you know what.

BIPPS
It was one of the first promises you made me when we met. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about...ANYTHING LIKE THAT. You promised me, Nozzle.

HUMPS
And the day Nozzle Sarpa breaks a promise is the day I start questioning who’s sitting in front of me.

ANGIE THE LOX
Especially if it’s the same day he suddenly can’t hold his liquor.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Forgive me, forgive me. I got carried away with...emotion.

SFX: Angie jumps to his feet, pushing his chair back.

ANGIE THE LOX
What the hell is this? Since when do you have emotions?

NOZZLE
After all, Karen is like mi familia.

BIPPS
Oh, Nozzle. You’re just an old softie, aren’t you?

ANGIE THE LOX
(Still suspicious)
Yeah. He’s a regular cannoli on the inside.

SFX: The kitchen door opens and Caterer enters with his tray of exotic pasta filled pig guts.

CATERER S. DEAR
Ladies and gentlemen, Cacio e Pepe Carbonara en Vessie is served.

SFX: A smattering of applause.

HUMPS
This is the moment I have been waiting for all night.

ANGIE THE LOX
Il momento della verità!

BIPPS
I have heard so much about this dish. I cannot wait to try it.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Even though it’s...served in a pig’s bladder?

BIPPS
Honey, I grew up in the swamps of Florida. I have eaten much, much worse out of far scarier bladders.

HUMPS
I got chills.

SFX: Caterer starts serving the plates.

CATERER S. DEAR
I urge you all to tuck in right away. The broth inside is extremely delicate. You don’t want the cheese to separate from the egg yolk or it will ruin the lining of the bladder. Buona fortuna.

SFX: Angie, Humps, and Bipps all carefully cut into their pig’s bladders and gasp in joy and amazement as a delicious smelling steam of cheese and pepper rises to meet their nostrils.

ANGIE THE LOX
It’s like I’m seeing the world for the first time.

HUMPS
I don’t care what you say, Caterer. There’s no way you’re not Italian.

BIPPS
Absolutely exquisite, don’t you think, Nozzle?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Yes, uh, exquisite.

BIPPS
You haven’t even touched it.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I guess I filled up on soup.

ANGIE THE LOX
But...this is all you’ve talked about all week.

HUMPS
Go ahead, Nozzle. Dig in. Before your pig’s bladder deflates.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I should really save room for crabs.

CATERER S. DEAR
Don’t be silly. I made this special for you, Nozzle. Perhaps some more port to go with it? Ladies?

SFX: McGrath rushes over to Bowden and starts to fill his glass.

MCGRATH
(Sotto voce)
Do NOT blow this, Bowden. Eat your pig guts.

BOWDEN
Please. Please, McGrath. You know I have a sensitive stomach.

BIPPS
My goodness, this is heavenly! Nozzle, you HAVE to try this.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Well, if you like it so much, why not have mine!

HUMPS
We couldn’t take food off your plate, Godfather. Go ahead. Try it.

ANGIE THE LOX
You said it was your favorite. You wasn’t lying - was you?

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Me? Lie? Never. It’s just uh...so beautiful I hate to cut into it.

ATHENA
(Aside to McGrath)
I could just kill him now, save them the trouble.

MCGRATH
(Aside)
Tempting. But no.

HUMPS
I ain’t taking another bite until I see Nozzle here enjoy his.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
That’s how’s it gonna be, huh?

HUMPS
Yup.

ANGIE THE LOX
Yup.

BIPPS
Ditto.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
(Really struggling)
Alright then. I’ll just...cut into this...pig’s...pee bag...and release the fancy mac and cheese inside...and remember it’s definitely not human brains... there! Look at that! See, I cut it open!

ANGIE THE LOX
Now eat it. A nice big fork full.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Why...of course...here comes the airplane...picks up it’s cargo...now it’s coming in for a landing...

SFX: With a groan, Bowden totally breaks.

BOWDEN
No, no, I can’t do it!

SFX: Angie slams his fist on the table.

ANGIE THE LOX
That’s it. What’s going on, Nozzle?

CATERER S. DEAR
Now, now, let’s all stay calm and in our seats. We don’t want those yolks to congeal.

HUMPS
I’ll congeal your mother!

BIPPS
Humps, you just can’t add “your mother” to make things a threat.

ATHENA
Why don’t we all have another round of drinks?

ANGIE THE LOX
Why, so we can all end up face down in our pig bladders?

HUMPS
I knew you two dames were up to no good the minute I got here.

ANGIE THE LOX
Karen - lock the doors.

BIPPS
I’m on it.

CATERER S. DEAR
Perhaps I should just let myself out the back.

HUMPS
Don’t move, bladder boy. We haven’t determined if you’re in on this.

CATERER S. DEAR
In on what? You think that my bartenders and I have somehow replaced Nozzle Sarpa... because he doesn’t want a pig’s bladder?

ANGIE THE LOX
I’ve heard stranger things.

HUMPS
Hey, Angie?

ANGIE THE LOX
Yeah, Humps?

HUMPS
Does Nozzle’s face look sorta funny to you?

ANGIE THE LOX
Funny how?

HUMPS
Sorta...droopy?

ANGIE THE LOX
Now that you mention it...

ATHENA
Oh my God, McGrath, what is wrong with his mask? You can’t even use your signature tech properly.

MCGRATH
My tech is FINE! Who knew steam from a pig’s bladder would melt the adhesive?

BIPPS
All the doors are locked. What are we going to do with them?

HUMPS
Things a U.S. Senator shouldn’t know about.

ANGIE THE LOX
Even ones from Florida.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Now you listen to me, you group of stronzos! How dare you? How dare you? To accuse me, Nozzle Sarpa, head of the legendary Gambazo family, of being some kind imposter?

ANGIE THE LOX
You gotta admit, boss, your face is pretty droopy.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
You KNOW I’m doing that new TikTok skincare routine.

ANGIE THE LOX
I...did not.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I must have mixed up my retinoid with my exfoliant today.

HUMPS
Doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

BIPPS
No, he’s right. You don’t want to screw with skin cycling. My sister found that out the hard way - bless her heart.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Unbelievable. I invite you into my home. I serve you an incredible meal. I BREAK BREAD WITH YOU, and you question my loyalty? My leadership?

ANGIE THE LOX
It was just that you were acting so odd.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
I’m acting odd? You’re acting odd! How do I know you’re not all imposters? Tell me something that only you would know. Like...exactly who else in the senate is on my payroll.

ANGIE THE LOX
Here he goes again with the questions!

BIPPS
Humps, I think it’s time to problem solve.

HUMPS
Godfather, you wanted us to squeal like rats. Now it’s time to make you squeal like a pig.

SFX: Humps cracks his knuckles.

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in! Now unless you all start talking, you will learn the true meaning of pain and understand why the name Nozzle Sarpa is FEARED at clown colleges the world over!

ANGIE THE LOX
You and what army?

SFX: The kitchen door BURSTS open and in run Skip and Gloria.

SKIP
Everybody run! Crabby’s got a knife!

GLORIA
THEY ALL HAVE KNIVES!

SKIP
And their leader taught them how to fight!

ATHENA
Please tell me this is some sort of distraction.

SFX: The bushel of crabs, all armed skitter into the dining room.

SKIP
Get up on the table!

GLORIA
I hope they don’t learn to jump!

SFX: Everyone gets up on the table.

BIPPS
Oh my God, the legends are true!

ANGIE THE LOX
He can train anything to kill!

HUMPS
Call ‘em off, Godfather! Call ‘em off! I’ll talk! I’ll talk!

NOZZLE (BOWDEN)
That’s right, all of youze mugs start singing or I tell the crabs to cut you up.

ANGIE THE LOX
I’ve been plotting with Big Eddie to overthrow your operations in Vegas!

HUMPS
I lost half a million of the family’s money betting on a blind dog at the Kentucky Derby.

BIPPS
I was going to double cross you on the tax deal. Demand 50% of the profits or I retract the bill.

CATERER S. DEAR
I used Velvetta in the pig’s bladder!

ATHENA
Not you, moron.

BOWDEN
Please tell me SOMEBODY’S tape recorder got all that.

MUSIC: Transition

INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM

SFX: Everyone is enjoying an amazing crab dinner.

ZELDA
(In between bites)
So, let me get this straight. Two hardened criminals and a corrupt senator gave you full confessions? Right there and then?

SKIP
Correct. No need to put the screws to Senator Sanford-Bipps to turn state’s evidence - we have nearly two hours of her willingly convicting herself and five other elected officials of taking bribes and money laundering. Could someone please pass the Parmesan?

GLORIA
Comin’ at ya!

MCGRATH
(Sucking sauce from a claw)
Oh my God. Caterer, this is LITERALLY the best meal I have ever had. The crabs are so sweet and tender! And the sauce!

GLORIA
THE SAUCE! It’s as if the marinara had been kissed by the Tuscan sun and blessed by the ancient Roman Gods!

BOWDEN
And this spaghetti! I can never go back to buying boxed pasta. And better yet, not a pig’s bladder in sight!

CATERER S. DEAR
You flatter me. It was the least I could do, since you gathered enough to put Nozzle Sarpa behind bars for a long time - and allowed me to keep my name.

ATHENA
Excuse me, these crabs are incredibly difficult to eat wearing handcuffs. Can’t you take them off me while I eat? I’m in a room full of agents - what am I going to do?

ZELDA
WHO KNOWS! You still haven’t told us how you managed to smuggle in the knockout drug you used on Scarpa.

ATHENA
A lady has to have her secrets.

ZELDA
And mine is whether or not I’m lying about the explosive in your head.

ATHENA
Hey, if it weren’t for me, none of you would be enjoying this meal at all.

SKIP
She’s got a point, Section Chief. Once the criminals were done confessing, we still had the army of blade welding crabs to deal with.

MCGRATH
I hate to admit it, but Athena dove right in there and whacked the crap out of those crabs.

ATHENA
I spent a year and a half at sea with the Admiral. You think this was my first time disarming an army of blade wielding crabs?

SKIP
Regardless, we thank you.

GLORIA
And our stomachs thank you.

CATERER S. DEAR
Another crab, Section Chief? I see your plate is empty.

ZELDA
I shouldn’t...but I can’t refuse!

CATERER S. DEAR
Here you are - oh, a nice whole one still intact!

SFX: Caterer plates a crab for Zelda.

SKIP
(Dismayed)
Oh.

ZELDA
Is there a problem, Agent Granger?

SKIP
I think that one was Zelda.

CATERER S. DEAR
Wow. I see it.

BOWDEN
Uncanny!

ZELDA
I’ve lost my appetite.

MUSIC: End titles.

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Senator Karen Sanford-Bipps and Child Star
and Bob Killion as Nozzle Sarpa and The Admiral

Guest Starring
Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker and Humps
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien, Ted Desoto, and Angie the Lox
Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermione Pickle
David S. Dear as Caterer S. Dear
and J. Michael DeAngelis as Davin Ford

Music by Pete Barry. Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin.

'Tis the the season! Shower the Mission Rejected fan in your life with shirts, mugs, pillows, pins, posters, phone cases and more. Visit www.missionrejected.com and click "store" to find the perfect holiday gift for friends, family, and lower tier enemies.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. SUPERMAX - LATER

SFX: The cell opening as Athena is put back in.

KRISTATOS
Athena, sweetheart! You’re just in time.

LUCKY
Pull up a chair, boss!

ATHENA
Why is everyone sitting around in a circle? Is this some sort of super villain board meeting?

DAVIN
Precisely, Ms. Athena.

BALTHAZAR
But if any of the guards come by, we’re doing a staged reading of my new screenplay “Lord Nero in the Multiverse of Montcriefs”. Take a script.

CHILD STAR
Come on, can’t be worse than Annie 3.

KRISTATOS
I’m playing Mister Potato Face!

BALTHAZAR
And you are playing the Queen of Lesbos!

ATHENA
One more word out of you, Balthazar, and I will cram this script down your throat.

DAVIN
My my, you do have a way with these children, don’t you? As we said, this silly little play is just a cover for our larger plans.

ATHENA
I told you already, Ford - whatever it is you’re selling, I’m not interested. I’m just biding my time until I can get out here.

DAVIN
But that’s exactly the opportunity my employer is offering.

TED DESOTO
For all of us.

ATHENA
What?

TED DESOTO
We’re planning a jail break.

KRISTATOS
Davin explained it all. His boss is going to get us all out of here and eliminate the EMF forever!

ATHENA
And this so called employer of yours...do they have a name?

DAVIN
Terry Millionaire.

ATHENA
Terry Millionaire? The philanthropist billionaire?

DAVIN
The same.

ATHENA
Why would he want to free a group of criminals from super max?

DAVIN
Philanthropy comes in many forms. Given your particular skill set and the fact that you are allowed out of this cage from time to time, Mr. Millionaire feels you are in the perfect position to be in the right place at the right time.

ATHENA
Let me make something perfectly clear, you corn fed rube: I don’t trust you and I don’t like you. For all I know you’re working for Skip and Zelda. Is this a test?

KRISTATOS
Athena, please, we can’t do this without you.

LUCKY
I gotta get out of here, boss! I haven’t had a mani-pedi in MONTHS!

CHILD STAR
And I’m supposed to be doing The Scottsboro Boys Jr in Toronto!

DAVIN
Ms. Athena, if I’m not mistaken, YOU just closed the EMF’s latest case. And the one before that. And the one before that. Still, here you are - unloved and unappreciated.

BALTHAZAR
Just like my screenplay.

DAVIN
I’m not asking you to be a part of a team. I’m asking you to lead one. I’ve got the general game plan from Terry, but the specifics are up to you...boss.

ATHENA
On second thought - I’m listening.

MUSIC: STINGER