Season Four, Episode Four: “NUNS OF ANARCHY”
TRANSCRIPT
INT. EMF SCIENTIFIC SERVICES - NO DEFINITE TIME
Chet lies on a table. The sound of way too much machinery.
CHET
You did say this would be like therapy, right?
WILES
Yup! Just like therapy. But with lasers!
The lab door opens.
STUDEBAKER
Hey there, Susan B.
WILES
Is he talking to me or you?
CHET
I really couldn't say. Studebaker, who is this woman?
WILES
Oh, right! Dr. Hepatia Wiles. I'm Dr. Legrange's lab assistant, filling in for her while she's on vacation.
STUDEBAKER
Right. Vacation. Where did she tell me she was going again...?
WILES
I've really been spitting for a chance to give this bad boy a whirl.
CHET
You've used it before...right?
WILES
I used it just yesterday to print supermarket barcodes on the morgue cadavers!
STUDEBAKER
Just relax, agent. Think of it as a super-bright dental appointment.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I must advise against this untested medical procedure, Chet. Are we certain this elective mental
root canal is covered by our insurance?
CHET
(under his breath)
I’m going to get your voice out of my head, Admiral -
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
if it kills the both of us?
The laser POWERS UP.
STUDEBAKER
Now Agent, using spectroscopic analyses, we can pinpoint the exact neurons in your brain causing these negative thoughts of yours.
WILES
And then I can burn em out!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Now now, let’s not be hasty -
CHET
Do it.
The LASER gets nearer. The Admiral Voice begins to panic.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Um...look, Chet, I know it’s been a difficult roommate situation these past few months -
CHET
The past year, you mean?
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Who’s counting? Think of all the early morning conversations we’ve had! The songs we’ve sung! The smoothie recipes we’ve shared!
CHET
Goodbye, Admiral.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
NO!
Chet grunts as his hand KNOCKS THE LASER ASIDE!
CHET
What the -
WILES
Hey - no karate chopping the laser!
STUDEBAKER
AH MY JACKET’S ON FIRE!
Studebaker RUNS AROUND SCREAMING while Legrange studies Chet.
WILES
Holy cats, you just snapped those restraints right off, huh?
CHET
It was as if...my hand moved on its own...
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Yes...what a fascinating development!
WILES
That’s an impressive preconscious self-defense reflex you got there.
CHET
You mean the...my negative thoughts ...can defend themselves? Control my actions? That cannot happen to me on dangerous field ops!
WILES
Don't have a cow, agent, we'll fix you up. Oh look, they left a mission tape for you to listen to. Well, that will cheer you up while I make your restraints stronger.
CHET
(to self, anxiety rising) OK. You’re fine. Don’t freak out.
Chet clicks on the tape.
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good afternoon, Agent Phillips. A deposit of rare-earth elements has been identified near Our Lady of Perpetual Peace and Quiet, an isolated convent in the Blue Ridge Mountain area of South Carolina.
CHET
Okay. Doesn’t sound too dangerous -
MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Due to a fatal motorcycle accident, several weapons manufacturers are preparing to descend upon -
CHET
(clicks the tape off) I’m out!
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
What’s wrong, Chet? Nervous?
CHET
I’m going home I’m taking the rest of the day off!
SLAM! Chet runs out of the lab.
STUDEBAKER
WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME?
WILES
Whoops! Gotcha covered, doc!
Wiles douses Studebaker with a fire extinguisher.
STUDEBAKER
Ugh! Can I request the rest of the day off too?
WILES
Mm. Rejected.
OPENING THEME!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents - the backups. Tonight’s episode: Nuns of Anarchy.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
A slow, exhausted knock on the conference room door.
SKIP
Passphrase, please!
ATHENA
We’ll accept “Yours is superior”.
SKIP
No hints, Work-Release Prisoner O’Brien! Passphrase, please!
MCGRATH (OUTSIDE)
I’m gonna rip this door off, Skip.
SKIP
McGrath? What’s wrong?
ATHENA
She’s probably just a leetle tired from walking up fifteen flights of stairs from Supermax.
SKIP
What? Why?
MCGRATH (OUTSIDE)
LEMME IN SKIP.
Skip runs to the door and opens it.
SKIP
McGrath! I escorted Athena up an hour ago! I thought the elevators were shut down for servicing!
MCGRATH
They were.
ATHENA
Hm. Someone must have mixed up my escort schedule. Wonder who.
SKIP
Athena!
MCGRATH
You’re in my chair, O’Brien.
ATHENA
So I am!
SKIP
I’m so sorry McGrath - Athena, please sit in your assigned seat!
ATHENA
Sure thing.
Athena stands and walks to her own chair, humming sweetly.
SKIP
And you need to stop pranking your fellow teammates. McGrath also had difficulty adjusting to beinga team player at first, but she hasn’t pulled a prank on her teammates in years -
CRACK! Athena sits down and her chair COLLAPSES.
ATHENA
WHAT THE...did you saw through the legs on my chair?
MCGRATH
Heh heh heh
SKIP
McGrath!
ATHENA
What did you put under here AW DID I JUST SIT IN A BUCKET OF BUFFALO WINGS?
MCGRATH
So worth it. Ugggh. McGrath slumps to the ground.
SKIP
I’m ashamed of you two! You’re going to kill each other if you keep this up!
MCGRATH
One can only hope.
The door opens and in walk Gloria, Bowden and Zelda.
GLORIA
...and that’s how my Uncle Riley taught me to skin a mule with only - (she trips over McGrath) Gah! Mackenzie! Why are you lying in the middle of the floor?
ZELDA
Were you forced to use the detention-level access stairwell in service of Skip’s fantasy of
rehabilitating Athena O’Brien?
MCGRATH
It’s fine. She can just take the elevator shaft back down.
BOWDEN
They should schedule repairs during off-hours. We were forced to walk by the statue of Prescott on the way in.
GLORIA
It’s eerie, it’s like his abs follow you everywhere.
There comes a loud VROOOOOM! from the hallway.
BOWDEN
What was that?
SKIP
Ah! That sounds like our mission specialist.
GLORIA
It sounds like a motorcycle engine -
QUITERIA (O.S.)
OUT OF MY WAY! SAL DE MI CAMINO!
McGrath DIVES OUT OF THE WAY as SISTER MARY QUITERIA wheelies her motorbike into the room. SHOUTS and CHAOS, and then she JUMPS the bike right onto the conference table.
QUITERIA (CONT'D)
Good morning mijos!
SKIP
Sister! The conference room table is not a sanctioned parking spot!
BOWDEN
She knocked over the slide projector!
GLORIA
It’s okay! It’s built like an airplane flight recorder!
Quiteria leaps down off the bike and the table.
ZELDA
Ma’am, how did you get your vehicle down to this sublevel?
QUITERIA
Agent Granger gave me clearance to use the service elevator.
BOWDEN
But it’s out of order!
QUITERIA
Well, the shaft was open and I had brought my paraglider attachment so-
GLORIA
You BASE jumped into our...base?
MCGRATH
While carrying a custom two-stroke Kawasaki motorbike?
QUITERIA
Wow! You know your gear, mija!
MCGRATH
I did freestyle motocross in high school. My rock solid backflip brought all the boys to the yard.
BOWDEN
Skip, is this mission going to involve daredevilry?
SKIP
First things first, team. I’m afraid I must ask a question which is fraught, oversteps personal
boundaries, and is most likely an HR violation.
GLORIA
My goodness!
ZELDA
Don’t be dramatic, Skip.
BOWDEN
Yes, that’s my job!
MCGRATH
If I answer “yes”, do I get to ride the bike?
SKIP
No. But you’d get to be an integral part of the mission prep!
MCGRATH
No whammies, no whammies...
SKIP
Folks...were any of you...by any chance...raised Catholic?
MCGRATH
Dammit!
SKIP
McGrath?
MCGRATH
I mean uhhhh Gloria! Weren’t your parents -
GLORIA
Nondenominational Christians.
MCGRATH
Bowden?
BOWDEN
Weirdly militant agnostics.
MCGRATH
Zelda!
ZELDA
Reform Jews.
SKIP
And I was raised Unitarian, so... McGrath?
MCGRATH
I mean, “raised” is pushing it. “Exposed to it” is more like it.
QUITERIA
We’ll take it!
MCGRATH
No, c’mon, Skip, this is totally unfair, just because I’m the only -
ATHENA
What am I, chopped liver?
MCGRATH
...you?
SKIP
Athena, were you raised Catholic?
ATHENA
Uh, half my family is Irish mobsters, what do you think?
SKIP
Well...we need an undercover agent and you would fit the profile...
MCGRATH
Wait, Skip. Last time she went undercover, she poisoned a guy!
SKIP
Good point, McGrath. So you’ll go too, to keep an eye on her!
MCGRATH
This just goes from bad to worse.
ATHENA
Do we get cute outfits?
QUITERIA
You could say that.
ATHENA
Catholic schoolgirl?
SKIP
Not quite.
ATHENA
You know I’d rock it.
MCGRATH
Then what the hell kind of “outfits” are we wearing?
QUITERIA
Here, I’ll show you mine!
Quiteria pulls a bulky fabric outfit out of her pack.
ATHENA
Wait...
MCGRATH
Is that a GODDAMN NUN’S HABIT?
QUITERIA
It’s a god-blessed nun’s habit!
MCGRATH
Lady, you’re a nun?
SKIP
Why did you think I called her “Sister”?
MCGRATH
I thought you were trying to be uncomfortably cool!
SKIP
Sister Mary Quiteria comes to us from Our Lady of Perpetual Peace and Quiet, a monastic convent overlooking Bump Canyon in South Carolina.
MCGRATH
Look Sister, what’s up with you and the Flying Nun routine?
QUITERIA
Many of the Sisters of Perpetual Peace and Quiet take up extreme sports as a means of connecting us to a deep life of faith. Plus we get some sick airtime!
GLORIA
I suppose it’s one way to force you to contemplate the afterlife.
QUITERIA
Unfortunately, mija, our Reverend Mother Mary Lezito recently passed on, when she attempted a 300-foot motorcycle jump over the canyon, using this very bike.
ATHENA
I mean, talk about testing God -
SKIP
The untimely death of Mother Mary Lezito and the canyon are both intricately related to our
mission. McGrath! Slide projector.
MCGRATH
It’s sideways.
SKIP
Everyone crane your necks!
Everyone awkwardly mumbles as they crane their necks over to one side. The projector hums and clicks.
SKIP (CONT'D)
In this area of the Blue Ridge mountains lie deposits of red-clay soils. In the particular case of
the soil between Bump Canyon and the convent, this red color is caused by the rare-earth material petrasil.
ATHENA
Really...
MCGRATH
Don’t get any ideas.
GLORIA
If I recall my Chem 101, petrasil is a heavily magnetic compound with certain UV-reflective
properties.
MCGRATH
Our neutered supervillain over here is drooling because it’s mostly used to manufacture laser
weapons.
SKIP
Well there’s enough petrasil in that field to make an attractive bounty for weapons manufacturers.
QUITERIA
We’ve kept that mud field a secret since the convent’s founding.
GLORIA
Because you knew about the chemical?
QUITERIA
No! Because we use it as the gnarliest red clay freestyle motocross course in the Southeast! We
also bring in local needy children and teach them basic bike repair and give them a space to ride.
We teach them confidence, life skills, and power slides!
BOWDEN
Are you all right, Gloria?
GLORIA
Envisioning an enclave of women helping underserved children while tearing up a stunt motocross arena just overloaded my inner feminist circuits a little.
SKIP
The red field is entirely walled-in between the convent and the canyon, hidden away from discovery.
MCGRATH
So if nobody knows about the petrasil, what’s the problem?
SKIP
The local diocese recently identified the chemical during routine radon testing. Somehow, the
weapons dealer NextGen got their hands on that report - and Sister Quiteria suspects that they
orchestrated Mother Mary Lezito’s untimely passing.
QUITERIA
Mary Lezito never would have attempted that canyon jump without triple checking her equipment! That jump was to be her third witnessed miracle to ensure her canonization!
ATHENA
Maybe she figured she was in God’s hands.
QUITERIA
God safeguards those who guard their own safety, mija.
BOWDEN
A weapons manufacturer murdering nuns for profit? If it weren’t so awful, I’d sell that pitch to
FX.
GLORIA
How would murdering the Reverend Mother help get their hands on this chemical?
SKIP
The nuns of Perpetual Peace and Quiet are a liberal, outspoken order -
QUITERIA
Women priests! LGBT acceptance! Pope hats for everyone!
SKIP
suffice to say, there are elements within the greater church who would happily close the convent and sell off the land to the highest bidder.
QUITERIA
Mary Lezito was on the fast track to sainthood, so while she lived, there was no stopping us. The minute she was gone, the Bishop sent a new old-school Mother Superior to crack down - no smiling, no protests, and no motocross!
MCGRATH
I know the type.
ZELDA
What are you looking at me for?
SKIP
So before the church can sell off the land...we’re going to take the chemicals out of the soil!
MCGRATH
Whoa. How?
SKIP
Thanks to a process developed by Dr. Legrange, we can use magnetic ionization to leach the chemical right out of the mud field.
GLORIA
Incredible!
SKIP
There are drawbacks, however. The ionizer is large...and noisy.
QUITERIA
And it’s no good trying to pass this machine off as a boiler installation or something - the new
Mother Superior won’t authorize a penny to be spent on the place.
BOWDEN
So how do we sneak in this machine?
SKIP
That’s where your deep knowledge of the Catholic faith comes in, McGrath and Athena!
MCGRATH
So you think we’re going to go in there as NUNS? No offense, lady -
QUITERIA
None taken.
MCGRATH
but go to Catholic Hell, Skip.
BOWDEN
Skip, if McGrath doesn’t want to play this part, I’m perfectly comfortable playing a nun.
SKIP
Sorry Bowden, but we’ll need your impersonation talents elsewhere.
BOWDEN
How so?
SKIP
Despite her authoritarian personality, the new Mother Superior’s profile suggests a deeply
superstitious streak. So, using Doctor Studebaker’s patented audio technology, we’re going to
create a phantasmagoric haunting.
BOWDEN
Wait, didn’t we try haunting a target in the Carolinas a couple of Halloweens ago only to end up
gassing ourselves?
GLORIA
Honestly, I still don’t know how much of that Halloween actually happened.
MCGRATH
Nobody does.
SKIP
No gas - just good old theatrical trickery.
BOWDEN
Now you’re talking my language!
SKIP
With McGrath’s SnapFace and Mary Lezito’s old bike, we can raise the good Reverend Mother from the dead! We have video of Mary Lezito, so you can mimic her voice, Bowden.
CLICK. Video of MARY LEZITO flipping her bike and WHOOPING.
BOWDEN
Uhhh Skip? I...may have fudged my resume slightly when I put “stunt motorcycle” under “Other
Talents” -
SKIP
Not to worry, Bowden. Sister Quiteria will perform the body of the ghost, while you can add the
disembodied voice through speakers from a safe nearby location.
QUITERIA
I’ll have to pull out my best shoe boxes to compete with Mary Lezito.
BOWDEN
Are these biking terms or fashion accessories?
SKIP
With just a few well-placed speed bumps in the night, we’ll be able to cover up the sound of the
machinery until McGrath and Athena have secured the chemical.
ATHENA
Try not to slow me down, genius.
MCGRATH
If you don’t watch your mouth there might be a second murder in the cathedral.
GLORIA
Skip if you don’t have a specific role for me...I’d better habit up too, and keep an eye on them.
SKIP
You read my mind, Gloria. To the wardrobe department, ladies!
ATHENA
Tell Stefan in Wardrobe I’ll draw up designs for my habit and have them on his desk by five
o’clock.
MCGRATH
Are you honestly so goddamn vain about clothes you’re gonna try to fashion-design a nun costume?
ATHENA
You know the real difference between you and me, McGrath? I make this job look good.
INTERIM MUSIC
Distantly: rain, and organ music. McGrath, Gloria, Athena and Quiteria hustle through the convent, wheeling covered bins.
MCGRATH
I don’t understand why my outfit came out looking all...did they cut duckie shapes into my
bib-collar?
ATHENA
Wardrobe must have thought it would look good on you.
MCGRATH
Wait...Athena I’m gonna kill you if you made Stefan do this!
ATHENA
Typical. Holding others responsible for your own bad habit.
GLORIA
Behave, you two! You look fine!
MCGRATH
I’ve got ducks, she’s got a scarf, and your veil’s on backwards!
GLORIA
It is not! Is it?
ATHENA
Oh, did the teacher’s pet not study for the exam?
GLORIA
Skip gave me seventeen encyclopedia- sized history books on the Catholic church. I made it all the way to the Nicene Council of 325!
MCGRATH
But you have no idea how to dress or act like a nun?
GLORIA
I’ve seen The Little Hours.
MCGRATH
Oh no.
GLORIA
Look, let’s just get these parts for the magnetic ionizer down to the old root cellar -
QUITERIA
and I’ll get into costume and start up the Kawasaki.
GLORIA
McGrath, you upgraded the bike with all the tech?
MCGRATH
Skidless tires, exhaust collector, dust repellant wax - she can carve right through the pews on
that thing and not leave a trace.
QUITERIA
Just like a ghost!
ATHENA
You’re doing that upside-down Kiss of Death we discussed, right?
MCGRATH
Wait, who discussed?
QUITERIA
Your friend gave me a great idea for a stunt. Push it to the limit!
MCGRATH
It’s not gonna be very convincing if we have to cart away the ghost’s body after it breaks its
neck!
ATHENA
We’re just honoring Mary Lezito’s spirit.
QUITERIA
Oh, she’d do a double backflip.
ATHENA
And you can’t?
QUITERIA
There’s only one way to find out!
MCGRATH
Athena shut up!
GLORIA
Enough! Sister, get going!
QUITERIA
Maybe a triple...
Quiteria leaves, pushing a bin.
GLORIA
And will you two knock it off?
MCGRATH
She’s trying to ruin the mission!
ATHENA
If you think watching a nun do a handstand while flipping a motorcycle in the air is ruining
anything, you’re dead inside.
GLORIA
Shh! We have to get these parts out of here before -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Before what, children?
The doors to the chapel OPEN, startling the group. Out walks MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT, the stern new Reverend Mother, followed by the peacemaking SISTER MARY PRUDENCE.
GLORIA
Oh! Uh...Mother Superior!
MARY PRUDENCE
My goodness! Who are you three?
MCGRATH
Hi! Transfers from St. Pete’s over in Raleigh.
ATHENA
Couldn’t wait to get out of that dump.
MARY PRUDENCE
Why hello! Welcome to Perpetual Peace and Quiet! We were just having chapel service! I’m Sister Mary Prudence!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
And you are?
GLORIA
Sister Mary Celeste.
MCGRATH
Sister Rosalind Franklin.
ATHENA
Sister Rosetta Tharpe.
MARY PRUDENCE
Welcome! And this is, of course -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Reverend Mother Regina Innocent. I don’t know what you three have heard about this convent, but there has been some much-needed straightening out around here.
MARY PRUDENCE
Yes, Mother.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
What do we have...here!
Mother Innocent whips away a sheet. Metal parts clatter.
MCGRATH
Just parts of some old motorbikes, Mother Innocent. We were told you wanted them all destroyed.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Yes...I see...
MARY PRUDENCE
Ohhh is that my old Honda -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Mmmm?
MARY PRUDENCE
uhhh which I forever reject! Begone, you gnarly hog, you!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
You three are very late for this evening’s service.
MCGRATH
Yes, Reverend Mother.
ATHENA
Mea culpa.
GLORIA
We fall at your feet and kiss each toe!
MCGRATH
(soft)
Don’t overdo it, Sister.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Perhaps you three should lead us in prayer.
MCGRATH
Uh, absolutely, Mother Innocent.
GLORIA
We will shine like the sun upon the beasts of the wild!
MCGRATH
Rrrright.
MARY CELESTE
We’ve just finished the Liturgy of the Word.
GLORIA
(whispered) What’s that mean?
MCGRATH
(whispered) Half time.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Let us begin our intercessions, children.
MARY PRUDENCE
Yes, Mother Superior.
GLORIA
(sotto voce) How does this work?
MCGRATH
(sotto voce)
Just follow along and say Christian stuff!
GLORIA
(sotto voce) Got it!
MARY PRUDENCE
Mother Mary, hear our prayer. For the faithful, that they may see the glory of God.
ALL
Pray for us.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
For the young and foolish, that they may see the error of their ways.
ALL
Pray for us.
ATHENA
For the old and foolish, that they may get off Facebook and get a life.
MCGRATH
Ugh.
ALL
Pray for us.
MCGRATH
For the backstabbers, that they may get what’s coming to em.
ALL
Pray for us.
GLORIA
For the dragon spirit of the mountains, that its water may enter our dawn-souls.
ALL
Prrrr-rray for us?
ATHENA
For the naked, that they may get it on or get it off.
ALL
Pray for us.
GLORIA
For the Burr-Tree King, who rends the great flesh of Lady Devil Bear.
ALL
Pray for us.
MCGRATH
For Sister Mary Celeste, may she stop talking now.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
For the impertinent, may they learn their places.
ATHENA
For Mother Mary Lezito! May she ride the hog to heaven!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
How dare you -
Suddenly, outside, A MOTORCYCLE ENGINE GROWLS!
MARY PRUDENCE
My goodness! It’s -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
What? Who is that?
MCGRATH
Will you look at that! It’s -
The convent doors BURST OPEN and in tears...
MARY PRUDENCE
IT’S A GHOST ON A MOTORCYCLE!
SCREAMS! The nuns DIVE for cover as the rider tears past!
MOTHER MARY LEZITO (ECHOING)
Eat my dust, sisters in God!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
(aghast)
It’s not possible.
MARY PRUDENCE
It’s Mary Lezito! She’s riding right through the chapel!
MCGRATH
She’s going for the Hail Mary Grab!
GLORIA
(playing it up)
That’s not physically possible!
MCGRATH
Yeah! There’s no one alive who can ride like that!
MARY PRUDENCE
She’s heading for the altar! She’s - A VROOM, and the nuns SCREAM and OOH again!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Confiteor Deo et beatae Mariae semper virgini -
MARY PRUDENCE
She...I can’t believe it -
MCGRATH
A ramp jump off an altar, a K.O.D on a double backflip, and right through the stained glass window!
MARY PRUDENCE
But it didn’t shatter! She...she passed right through it!
NOISES of CLANKING WRENCHES and MOTORCYCLE ENGINES echo throughout the convent. The nuns react in terror!
MARY PRUDENCE (CONT'D)
I hear her! She’s everywhere! Mother! What do we do?
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
(breaking from her prayer) What?!? Oh yes. Go to your rooms! I will get to the bottom of this.
MARY PRUDENCE
I’ll help you Mother -
Mary Prudence follows Mother Innocent into the chapel, while the noises continue. The EMF team huddles up and whispers:
ATHENA
Okay, nice touch with the holographic window.
MCGRATH
We gotta get the glass back up there before she gets a close look.
GLORIA
But she believed it! I could hear her trying some kind of exorcism.
ATHENA
It wasn’t an exorcism. It was a Confiteor.
GLORIA
What?
MCGRATH
It’s a prayer you say...if you want your sins forgiven.
GLORIA
Why would Mother Innocent confess her sins when she saw a ghost?
MCGRATH
Maybe she’s responsible for making Mary Lezito a ghost.
GLORIA
Wait, you think Innocent is guilty?
ATHENA
Someone at the diocese told our friendly neighborhood weapons dealer about the petrasil.
GLORIA
All right, one thing at a time. Now that the ghost noises are up-and- running, you two can set up
the ionizer. I’ll keep Mother Innocent distracted until Skip can replace the stained glass window.
MCGRATH
You can’t talk to her!
GLORIA
Why not?
MCGRATH
You clearly don’t know how to pretend to be Catholic, like every Catholic does!
GLORIA
It’s just another branch of Christianity, how different can it be?
ATHENA
I don’t think your parents were Christians, Gloria.
MCGRATH
Yeah I think you were raised by warlocks.
GLORIA
You know what okay fine! I won’t say anything but I’ll keep an eye on her! You two get the ionizer
working!
MCGRATH
But - (Gloria runs off) Fine. Let’s go install.
ATHENA
I didn’t watch the how-to video so it’s your problem.
MCGRATH
You’re a frigging tech genius!
ATHENA
You can’t prove that.
MCGRATH
GRRRRRRR let’s go.
INTERIM MUSIC
In the boiler room, Skip enters while Bowden continues to whisper ghost voices under the
haunted-house sound effects.
BOWDEN (MARY LEZITO)
...seven twenty!...skate or die!... (clears throat) There, that oughtta do it for now. The motorcycle engines are making plenty of cover noise.
SKIP
I reinstalled the stained glass window. Gloria has eyes on Mother Innocent. And McGrath and Athena will have the ionizer up and running shortly!
BOWDEN
So...what do we do?
SKIP
Nothing! Our part is done!
BOWDEN
Fantastic! It’ll be nice to have a relaxing, safe mission for once.
SKIP
Yeah! You and I can just...hang out!
BOWDEN
Yeah!
Long, uncomfortable pause, with the ghost sounds playing softly in the background.
BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Soooo
SKIP
How’s, um....your parents?
BOWDEN
Well...dead -
SKIP
Oh I’m sorry!
BOWDEN
No, it's like...fifteen years ago.
SKIP
How’s your...Gloria?
BOWDEN
She’s, you know, the same as she is in the office.
SKIP
Right.
BOWDEN
How’s...your brother Trip, I guess?
SKIP
Haven’t seen him, really.
Long awkward pause.
BOWDEN
You know what, I have a game that Gloria and I like to play!
SKIP
Great!
BOWDEN
I pick a movie, then you name an actor in that movie, and I name a movie with that actor, and so
on.
SKIP
(nervous) Oh. Okay!
BOWDEN
I’ll start. “JFK”.
SKIP
Uh huh......
BOWDEN
The Oliver Stone film.
SKIP
Yes, I’ve seen it.
BOWDEN
Pretty much pick any actor, they were in it.
SKIP
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
BOWDEN
You know what, you pick a movie.
SKIP
Um. Okay! Star Wars IV: A New Hope!
BOWDEN
I’ll go easy on you. Paul Blake. (silence)
He played Greedo in the wide shots. (silence)
You know what, that was unfair. How about Alec Guinness?
(silence)
How about Harrison Ford? (silence)
How about I pick a different actor and we’ll start over?
SKIP
Sure!
BOWDEN
Great. Um...oh okay! Here’s an easy one! Ready?
SKIP
Ready...
BOWDEN
Bowden Montcrief!
SKIP
(super anxious)
Ohohoho so glad you went there!
BOWDEN
I’m sure you’ve heard of him!
SKIP
I sure have! Ha! OK! Several Rooms with Multiple Views!
BOWDEN
Wonderful! Gal Gadot!
SKIP
Mm hm!
BOWDEN
I wonder what that woman has been up to lately! Huh?
(silence)
I mean I took you to see the movie four times, you do know who Gal Gadot is, right?
(silence)
How about Leonardo DiCaprio - remember he had that cameo as the window washer?
(silence)
I tell you what, you name any actor you remember from the four times I took you to see my movie.
(silence)
How about name any actor from any movie I’ve ever done. I think I’ve named dropped seven of them while we’ve been on this stakeout.
SKIP
I’m sorry Bowden I just...the truth is, I deeply respect your craft and career, I just...don’t...really... know...actors?
BOWDEN
WHAT?!?!?!
SKIP
I love movies I just don’t really know any movie stars!
BOWDEN
Robert Downey Junior! Judy Garland! Orson Welles! Kermit the Frog!
SKIP
I watch movies for the stories and the CGI!
BOWDEN
Wait! I know you and McGrath went to ComiCon! Who did you go to see?
SKIP
Oh, we met voice-over artists from our favorite video games.
BOWDEN VIDEO GAMES?!?
MARY PRUDENCE (OFF)
Who’s down there?
SKIP
Bowden you have to be quiet they’ll hear us!
BOWDEN
WHAT IN THE NAME OF SIR IAN MCKELLAN WHO I MUST ASSUME YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE BY NAME -
The door bursts open and TWENTY NUNS PUMMEL Skip and Bowden into submission.
MARY PRUDENCE
Omigosh intruders! Good job sisters! Let’s take em to Mother Superior!
SKIP
(Sam Eagle)
Uh pardon us we are merely -
BOWDEN
Right! We’re merely plumbers who have never heard of HARRISON GODDAMN FORD.
Dreadful gasps from the nuns.
SKIP
Bowden...don’t say gee-dee in front of the nuns.
BOWDEN
Oh, sorry. We just got into a heated argument about Gal Gadot.
MARY PRUDENCE
Who?
BOWDEN
JESUS CHRIST.
(slap)
Ow! Okay! Not the ruler!
MARY PRUDENCE
That’s for profanity! Take them away!
SKIP
Oh shootskees. (slap)
Ow! WHAT?!?
MARY PRUDENCE
You too!
SKIP
I said “shootskees!” Ow!
MARY PRUDENCE
I expect Mother Superior will wash both of your mouths out! C’mon, sisters! Get the soap!
MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. THE ROOT CELLAR
McGrath grunts as she solders wires. The haunted house sounds echo around them.
MCGRATH
There. Almost done. O’Brien, hand me that wrench.
ATHENA
I’m the lookout. Fetch it yourself.
MCGRATH
Lord give me strength. Why’d you put it up here on this shelf -
McGrath climbs a ladder to get the wrench when she hears -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT (OUTSIDE)
What do we have...here!
MCGRATH
Oh shit -
The door BURSTS OPEN as McGrath FALLS FROM THE LADDER, BRINGING THE WHOLE SHELF DOWN ON HERSELF.
MCGRATH (CONT'D)
Agggh hello, uh, Mother Superior, I can explain, this, um -
Athena LAUGHS. She rewinds a tape, then plays it back:
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT (ON TAPE)
What do we have...here!
ATHENA
And I caught the whole thing on video! Classic!
McGrath emotionlessly pulls herself out of the debris.
MCGRATH
Right. Got my wrench.
She walks over to the machine and twists. It begins working.
MCGRATH (CONT'D)
There. The chemical should be out of the soil in two hours. I’m gonna clean up this mess.
ATHENA
You’re no fun. All punked out, little punkin’?
MCGRATH
We’re in the middle of an operation. Get serious.
ATHENA
...such a disappointment.
MCGRATH
What is your damage, Cruella De Ville? You wanna come for me?
ATHENA
I must have been out of my mind when I tried to recruit you two years ago. You used to be such a
bad ass.
MCGRATH
I spend my days conning evil billionaires and scamming dictators. You’re a canary in a cage that I
put you in.
ATHENA
And so proud of it, little white hat.
MCGRATH
...I used to be right where you are now, you know.
ATHENA
Yeah, and you sold out faster than I can say “fifth amendment”. “Yessir Skip! Let’s be roommates!”
MCGRATH
You were so much funnier when you were forced to be our landlady.
ATHENA
What do you think is gonna happen, here? That I’m gonna follow in your footsteps? Become besties with the people holding me prisoner in a building THEY NAMED IN HONOR OF MY MOTHER’S KILLER? Those are the people you’re gonna defend now?
MCGRATH
You’re right! You’re right. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I’m like I don’t know what
the hell I’m doing here helping some invisible government agency full of people I used to target
and now I’m training to be one of them and I have no idea what happened to me. And it’s this
institution that’s committed terrible crimes over its history and continues to deny basic rights to
people and I wonder every single day if you’re right - is it just not a thing worth saving? Maybe I’ve become emotionally invested in a thing that still does more harm than good, and the world would be better off if we just gave up and burned it to the ground.
ATHENA
...then why don’t you?
MCGRATH
Some days...I think about it. But some days bad guys murder an old lady, so the answer is easier.
ATHENA
And what happens when the day comes when you run out of that kind of excuse?
MCGRATH
Then you can hand me the matches.
ATHENA
...I just might.
A BUZZ on the radio.
GLORIA
Sister Rosalind Franklin? This is Sister Mary Celeste! Come in!
MCGRATH
We’re here, Mary Celeste. The indulgences are flowing.
GLORIA
That’s great, but the altar boys have been captured by Mother Innocent!
Shocker.
ATHENA
MCGRATH
Dammit. This superior mother is real pain in my rosary.
GLORIA
I think I have a bead on their location, but I don’t know what we’ll be walking into. I don’t want
to risk Bowden and Skip’s safety by flying in there blind!
MCGRATH
Don’t worry, Mary Celeste, I got this. Quiteria! You on the line?
QUITERIA
Here, mijas!
MCGRATH
Get the engines revving. We’re gonna pull off the greatest stunt in church history.
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
INT. HEAD OFFICE
Skip and Bowden are tied to chairs in an office.
BOWDEN
Bleah! I can’t get the taste of Irish Spring out of my mouth!
SKIP
I actually don’t really mind it.
BOWDEN
Are you even human?
SKIP
To me, soap just tastes like cilantro.
BOWDEN
Okay, look, she stuck us in these child-sized desks. When she comes in, we’ll bum rush her like Jim Belushi and Dan Akyroyd.
SKIP
Are those escape artists?
BOWDEN NO THEY’RE NOT.
The door bursts open and in comes Regina Innocent.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Comfy? Good. I know exactly who you are and what you’ve done.
BOWDEN
If only my “friend” could say the same about Gal Gadot.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Who sent you? BrightBarrel? Periwald? Worthersby?
BOWDEN
Are those rejected Harry Potter characters?
SKIP
No, those are niche hi-tech weapons manufacturers!
BOWDEN
Oh sure, you know those names off the top of your head -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Enough games! I know you’re after this land, and...I’m willing to bargain.
SKIP
You are?
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
If the price is right.
SKIP
You’re the one working with the arms dealer NextGen!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Of course. When I learned about the red soil, I pitched NextGen my plan to become Mother Superior of this convent, so I could hand over the chemical for a hefty price.
SKIP
I must say for a woman of the cloth, you’re rather mercenary in your allegiances.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Don’t you dare! I gave my life to God, and I’ve lived long enough to see my church become a pale
shell of itself! Allowing heretical sects like this one to crop up all over the world!
BOWDEN
Yes, if the Catholic Church is known for anything, it’s modernization.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Well two can play at that game! With the money and weapons I get from this sale, I’ll start my own enclave for like-minded worshippers on my own private island, away from the sin and scum of humanity!
BOWDEN
What ever happened to nailing complaints to doors?
SKIP
Well, we...that is, our clients...have neither the capital for, nor the intention of, funding your
insane gun church island! You’ll simply have to turn us over to the police for trespassing!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Oh, I’m afraid you know too much, my children. You’re going to meet your ends at the barrel of your competitor’s weapon.
BOWDEN
(sotto voce)
Skip, did you actually wear your body armor this time?
SKIP
(sotto voce)
And your famous fake blood packs!
BOWDEN
Do your worst! We’re not afraid of one nun with a gun!
SKIP
Let’s see what you AAAAAA
BOWDEN
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT
An ominous WHINE as Mother Innocent powers up a weapon.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
I’ve been dying to try this one out.
SKIP
Mother Innocent that is a Volker 347 caliber rocket launcher. If you pull the trigger that will incinerate this entire room.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Then I suppose I’ll stand in the hallway! We’ll call it a boiler explosion.
SKIP
No one will believe that!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Why not? They believed that Mother Lezito’s failed canyon jump was but an unfortunate accident!
SKIP
You killed her?!?
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Now let us pray, children, before you meet God.
SKIP
I don’t wanna meet God!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up -
BOWDEN
Mother Innocent!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Yes child? Do you wish to say your final confession?
BOWDEN
(dramatic)
You may remove these two lowly footsoldiers from the field of battle, but the ideals we stand
for...those will stand for the age of humankind. So if you choose to end us here, know that someday soon, your turn will come.
Stunned silence.
SKIP
Was that the defiance speech from Galaxy Reign?
BOWDEN
Oh my god, you know that?
SKIP
I thought you hate video games.
BOWDEN
I do, it was an uncredited line I recorded early in my career!
SKIP
Wait - YOU are the UNKNOWN REBEL?
BOWDEN
I don’t know, I took the money and never looked back.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
And he scoffs at me.
SKIP
That is one of the most iconic character speeches in all of modern video game history! Jennifer
Hale and Nolan North call that speech their greatest inspiration!
BOWDEN
Who?
SKIP
Voice-over artists! You don’t know them?
BOWDEN
I don’t really...know much about voice-over acting -
SKIP
Can...can I have your autograph!
BOWDEN
My friend, I promise you we will live to see that happen.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
I doubt it!
BOWDEN
Oh right the rocket launcher.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Go in peace, children -
From outside, the sounds of a MOTORCYCLE.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT (CONT'D)
No...no it can’t be!
BOWDEN
Uhhh what? I don’t hear anything!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
The motorcycle! Surely you hear that!
BOWDEN
I do not! Do you, comrade?
SKIP
I...don’t!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
There! Do you not hear? It is the revving of her hideous engine!
Three motorcyclists BURST INTO THE ROOM! CHAOS!
QUITERIA
Que tal, mijos! I mean uh oooooo I’m a bitching motorcycle ghost!
SKIP
Did they light their helmets on fire?
BOWDEN
Are they all wearing Ace Frehley faces?
MCGRATH
HEAR US, WOMAN! WE ARE MOTORCYCLE KNIGHTS IN SATAN’S SERVICE!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Saint Michael the Archangel, defend me in battle!
ATHENA
We’re just here to pick up these weapons dealers and take them down to hell.
GLORIA
May your blood be filled with the light of the equinox!
MCGRATH
Nobody wants your terrifying blessing, Lady Devil Bear!
SKIP
Uh, oh no! I guess we’re going to hell now, fellow arms dealer!
BOWDEN
Oh, the wages of sin! Let this be a warning to you, Reverend Mother!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
Begone from my sight, spirits!
MCGRATH
Just load these two sinners up in your sidecar, Lady Devil Bear! Now let us ride back down to hell, preferably using the large stairs this time.
Beat.
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
I’ve had enough motorcycles for a lifetime! You can do one of your “360 off-axis spin jumps” right out the window for all I care!
MCGRATH
Uh, Sister?
QUITERIA
Ooo. That would be killer.
MCGRATH
We’re on the second floor!
QUITERIA
Sounds perfect!
ATHENA
We got no room to move, here -
QUITERIA
No problem you go first!
BOWDEN
Uhhh
SKIP
No wait
ATHENA
Ok move!
GLORIA
Yee haw!
MCGRATH
Oh for chrissakes
QUITERIA
See you in heaven, ladies!
MCGRATH
Here we GOOOOOOO
Everyone SCREAMS as they all REV and then CRASH THROUGH THE WINDOW!
The air WHOOSHES BY as they SCREAM, and then LAND! CHEERS!
GLORIA
We made it! A twenty-foot drop, right onto the stunt course!
SKIP
...I think I shootskeed myself.
QUITERIA
Dios mio! Look at the soil! It’s not red anymore! You did it!
MCGRATH
Yeah, but now we’re all trapped on this field between the canyon and the convent. We gotta find a way out of here before -
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT (OFF) EAT ROCKET, DEMONS!
The rocket launcher FIRES!
GLORIA
SCATTER!
They rev their bikes and speed off, just as the rocket EXPLODES nearby!!
ATHENA
CRAP!
Athena’s motorbike upsets! The others are SPEEDING AWAY!
SKIP
Athena’s bike spilled! She’s a sitting duck, we have to help her!
MCGRATH
Mmm. Do we, though?
QUITERIA
Mija? Love the sinner, right?
MCGRATH
Oh, god dammit. Hey, Cruella!
McGrath swerves by and HAULS Athena up onto her bike.
ATHENA
SCREW YOU INNOCENT!
MCGRATH
Will you get on my bike before she reloads?
They SPEED UP and rejoin the others.
SKIP
C’mon, McGrath, keep moving!
MCGRATH
I’m coming, I’m coming!
ATHENA
If I had my scorpion-filled-grenade gun...
GLORIA
Well, you don’t.
MCGRATH
She must have reloaded by now - wait, she’s not in the window. Where’d she go -
BOWDEN
LOOK OUT FOR THE CAR!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
They swerve aside as Innocent TRIES TO RUN THEM DOWN IN A CAR! She passes and drives into the distance! SCREECH!
QUITERIA
Ay dios mio! Did she drive our Nunmobile right out of the garage onto the stunt course?
MCGRATH
What the hell is a “Nunmobile”?
QUITERIA
It’s a Cadillac convertible we use at parades!
SKIP
ROCKET INCOMING!
A ROCKET FIRES! They SCATTER, before it EXPLODES behind them!
ATHENA
I guess if you take the top down you can fire rockets out of it, too!
QUITERIA
Head for the whoops!
SKIP
The what?
MCGRATH
The little dirt bumps! Go!
They REV and start JUMPING and LANDING! Quiteria WHOOPS and the others HANG ON!
SKIP
Shhee’sss ssttilll c-c-c-omming!
GLORIA
Ssshhee’ss ruinnningg hherrr susspennsssionn!
ENGINE ROAR as the CADDY NARROWLY MISSES THEM AGAIN!
BOWDEN
She’s gonna come around again!
QUITERIA
As long as that chemical is secured-
ATHENA
What? You can die in peace? Like Mother Laziro?
Beat.
MCGRATH
Will you shut up for once?
ATHENA
Who’s not even gonna get her saint card cause she fell into a canyon?
QUITERIA
Mijas, you don’t have to have been a saint to have made the world a better place.
MCGRATH
Okay you guys stay clear. Athena and I are gonna take care of Mother Innocent.
ATHENA
We are?
SKIP
McGrath what are you -
MCGRATH
Just stay clear!
ATHENA
Can I switch biiiiiikes?
McGrath POWER SLIDES AROUND and CHARGES THE CADILLAC!
ATHENA (CONT'D)
You do see you’re now speeding towards the Cadillac with the rocket launcher, right?
MCGRATH
And you’re gonna grab it!
ATHENA
The rocket launcher?!?
MCGRATH
I’m gonna hit that jump, flip us 360 over top of the car, you just gotta reach down as we pass overhead and grab it from her!
ATHENA
Oh is that all I have to do?
MCGRATH
Here we go!
McGrath FLIPS THE BIKE OVER THE CAR! Athena GRABS THE ROCKET LAUNCHER!
ATHENA
YOINK! GOT YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHER!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
NOOOO!
McGRATH LANDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR! She and Athena WHOOP IT UP! The Cadillac brakes SCREECH far behind them!
MCGRATH
Eat our dust, lady!
ATHENA
Lemme just power this up -
MCGRATH
No! No firing rockets at nuns!
An ENGINE ROARS UP RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! They CRY OUT! SCREECH!
ATHENA
Even nuns who try to sideswipe us?
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
SINNERS! FILTH!
ATHENA
Get clear of her, I’m gonna fire the rocket!
MCGRATH
The kickback from that rocket will wipe us out and leave our body parts scattered all over the
track!
ATHENA
Then what’s your plan? WATCH OUT!
Mother Innocent swipes at them AGAIN! They manage to PULL OUT AHEAD - but not by much!
ATHENA (CONT'D)
She almost got us that time!
MCGRATH
I know!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
I AM THE DESTROYER OF EVIL! YOU WILL NOT FLY FROM HERE!
ATHENA
She’s getting closer!
MCGRATH
Okay you can fire the rocket.
ATHENA
Yeah?
MCGRATH
On my signal.
ATHENA
Wait wait wait where are you going?
MCGRATH
There. Mother Lezito’s jump ramp over Bump Canyon.
ATHENA
You are not capable of clearing that canyon! That crazy nun wasn’t capable of it!
MCGRATH
That’s cause Mother Innocent sabotaged her! We’re gonna make it!
ATHENA
If you kill us both, I WILL come back as a ghost and haunt you!
MCGRATH
I’d be a ghost too, then!
ATHENA
I’ll find a way!
MCGRATH
Just get ready to fire that thing!
ATHENA
Shit!
(smack)
GAH DID SHE THROW A RULER AT ME?
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
THAT’S FOR PROFANITY!
ATHENA
YOU WANT PROFANITY, LADY? YOU CAN SUCK ON BOTH MY -
MCGRATH
Here’s the jump!
ATHENA
She’s gonna crash right into us!
MCGRATH
Not today, Satan!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
AAAAH!
The bike JUMPS! The CAR CRASHES!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT (CONT'D)
I’ll get you...
Her voice fades in the WIND.
ATHENA
Holy crap.
MCGRATH
We’re gonna make it.
ATHENA
We’re not.
MCGRATH
We are.
ATHENA
We’re not!
MCGRATH
Disarm the explosive in the launcher!
ATHENA
What?
MCGRATH
Aim it straight down!
ATHENA
Crap! (powers it up) All right, ready!
MCGRATH
On my mark! Aaaaaaand FIRE!
The rocket FIRES!
The bike TUMBLES THROUGH SPACE!
The women SCREAM...
...and LAND ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE CANYON!
On the other side, the gang CHEERS!
SKIP
They made it!!
BOWDEN
A rocket-launcher-propelled motorcycle jump over Bump Canyon!
GLORIA
(pulling open the wrecked car door)
Reverend Mother Regina Innocent? You’re under arrest!
MOTHER REGINA INNOCENT
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
QUITERIA
It’s gonna be a long, bumpy ride to the slammer.
Across the canyon, McGrath and Athena lie panting on the ground.
ATHENA
Holy crap. You think they’ll canonize us?
MCGRATH
Maybe. In the Church of Satan.
ATHENA
Even better.
MCGRATH
For once, I agree.
INT. SUPERMAX - NO DEFINITE TIME
The cell doors swing open.
ZELDA
Prisoner coming in!
ATHENA
I like how you people announce my arrival every room I enter. It’s like going back to Sardi’s.
ZELDA
If there’s anything I can do to make your stay less comfortable, just ask.
ATHENA
Too bad McGrath refused to drop me off. Couldn’t face those stairs again, huh?
ZELDA
Agent Granger was so disappointed. He’s sure that some of that McGrath sunshine will cause your heart to grow three sizes one day.
ATHENA
That’s sweet.
ZELDA
Skip believes that people can become their best selves. But you and I know better, don’t we? Some people are just...not redeemable.
ATHENA
You got that right.
ZELDA
I’m glad we understand each other.
ATHENA
I mean, he can believe McGrath’s different. But she turned all that petrasil over to your people to
do...what? Make laser guns?
ZELDA
The chemical is going to a children’s research hospital.
ATHENA
...what?
ZELDA
Under our Red Gator Protocol, any experimental technology we acquire is funneled to research that will benefit the general public. The petrasil will help develop cancer detection devices for
children.
ATHENA
Since when does the EMF do that?
ZELDA
Since Mackenzie McGrath championed the initiative when we were reinstated.
ATHENA
...well -
ZELDA
Good evening, Ms. O’Brien.
Zelda shuts the cell door and goes. Athena approaches a table where Kristatos is shuffling cards.
KRISTATOS
You were out late with your friends.
ATHENA
Get off my case, Dad.
KRISTATOS
You’ll be happy to know my people made the switch. The red chemical is on its way to your contact.
ATHENA
Great.
KRISTATOS
Did the EMF team suspect you?
ATHENA
No.
KRISTATOS
You’re a natural. (beat) Is something troubling you, sweetheart?
ATHENA
Huh?
KRISTATOS
You look...pensive. Are you having second thoughts about stealing the chemical for Mr. Ford’s
jailbreak?
ATHENA
Oh. Nope. Everything’s fine.
MUSIC - END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was produced and created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Moncrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Sister Mary Prudence
and Bob Killion as The Admiral
Guest Starring
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Kristen Stanger as Dr. Wiles and Mother Mary Lezito
Helena Betancourt as Sister Quiteria
Erica Werner as Mother Regina Innocent
Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien
Caden Dowgin as Kid Hacker
Lia Barry as Harmony
and Margaret Pivetz as Emma
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry.
Do you feel like you could have used a little more Mission: Rejected in your life this year? Our Patreon members get a bonus audio every month ranging from original music to deleted scenes and bloopers to all new mini-episodes. For just $5 a month you can have that extra EMF approved goodness in your ears throughout the new year, plus access to our entire back catalog of bonus materials. Visit www.misssionrejected.com/support to find out more. Five Dollars? Do we think we're The Joe Rogan Experience?
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2022 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. SKIP’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Skip, McGrath and Bowden log onto the DARKWORLD server.
KID GAMER
You ready for battle, ChickenStar?
SKIP
I am, KidGamer - we’ve brought a new player for the party!
MCGRATH
Warning, folks - he’s a total noob.
HARMONY
To Darkworld?
MCGRATH
To video games.
EMMA
Are you kidding me? What is this, Chicken Star?
SKIP
Hold on! He’s someone you know.
KID GAMER
Who?
BOWDEN
Is this headset working?
MCGRATH
Just say the line, Bowden.
BOWDEN
(clears throat) If you choose to end my gaming career here, know that someday soon, your turn will come.
EMMA
WHAT?!?
KID GAMER
Are you kidding me? The GalaxyReign Unknown Rebel?
HARMONY
This guy’s a legend!
EMMA
Chicken Star, can you get me his autograph?
SKIP
What do you say, Mister Rebel?
BOWDEN
I think I can work something out...for my loyal fans.
The gamers cheer. McGrath groans.
END MUSIC!