Season Four, Episode Six: “SKIPTEEN CANDLES”
TRANSCRIPT

EXT. WHITMIRE’S HOUSE - DAY

SFX: Sounds of a pool party.

WHITMIRE (In the distance)
Pool party! Pool party! Hey wetty! Hey wetty!

SFX: A car pulls up and parks. Zelda and Chet exit the car.

ZELDA
Remember, let me do the talking, Chet. If we’re going to get The Admiral out of your head, we’ll need Secretary Whitmire’s support and resources.

CHET
Whatever you say, Chief. No arguments from me.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

ZELDA
I want to say...I admire what you’re doing. I know it couldn’t have been easy pulling yourself out of the field.

CHET
The sooner he’s out, the sooner I’m back in. Let’s go tell the boss I’m unfit for duty.

SFX: A small pool party going on. Playboy Bunnies giggle and splash. Whitmire floats on an inflatable pink flamingo, sipping a tiki drink. A huge splash as Miss October does a cannonball by the grotto.

WHITMIRE
Easy, Bambi. You’re watering down papa bear’s drink with all those splashes.

ZELDA
Secretary Whitmire. You seem awfully relaxed.

WHITMIRE
Why shouldn’t I be? Did they finally push the button?

CHET
I hope not

WHITMIRE
Why, if it isn’t my favorite special agent!

CHET
Why, if it isn’t my favorite Secretary of Defense!

WHITMIRE
Casper Weinberger?

(Both men laugh.)

ZELDA
Mr. Secretary, Chet and I need to speak with you. Urgently.

WHITMIRE
Alright, alright. Excuse me if I don’t get off my inflatable flamingo. Pinky has abandonment issues.

ZELDA
It’s about Chet’s readiness for field work -

WHITMIRE
Good! Good! That’s excellent news. Because you need a win, Zelda my dear.

ZELDA
A win? Skip Granger’s success rate is exemplary.

WHITMIRE
With ample help from Public Enemy Numero Uno Athena O’Brien.

ZELDA
Well...yes. I’m a surprised as anyone, but Skip’s rehabilitation attempts have yielded results -

WHITMIRE
It’s a bad look, Zelda. The public doesn’t like its tax dollars funding the globe trotting escapades of the woman who almost took over the world.

ZELDA
The public doesn’t know anything about the EMF. Most of the GOVERNMENT doesn’t know about us or where our budget goes.

BAMBI
Come back in the pool, Papa Bear, I’m getting lonely.

WHITMIRE
I’m not going to be secretary forever, Zelda. A man has ambitions. Vice President. President. Talking Head on Fox News. Suddenly surprise holder of classified documents. And when a man becomes a public figure, people start digging. Looking at how he runs things. And what I know others could find out.

ZELDA
So you’re suggesting that you are a security threat...to yourself?

WHITMIRE
What I’m suggesting is that we just keep the EMF squeaky clean. No more O’Brien to the Rescue. No more expense reports for holographic nuns or damaged motorcycles.

ZELDA
We’re doing our jobs.

WHITMIRE
Maybe we’ve found other people who do it cheaper.

ZELDA
People like DAVIN FORD? Don’t tell me YOU were the one who hired him!

WHITMIRE
It was a trial run - but clearly I was oversold on his abilities...especially the ability not to commit international crimes. That’s all in the past! We’ve both made some mistakes. One more from you and it’s bye bye EMF, hello outsourcing. But let’s look to the future! You bring glad tidings, Chet?

CHET
Well...

WHITMIRE
I’d like to see you back out there in a big way, like the old days. A one man killing machine! Now THAT would keep expenses down.

CHET
Mr. Secretary...

WHITMIRE
Chet Phillips! Like 007 - but better, because you’re an American! Quick footed! Quick drawing! Quick thinking!

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Quick drying!

CHET
Not now.

WHITMIRE
Not now what?

CHET
I, uh, can’t go back in the field right now. What Zelda and I came to say -

ZELDA (Quick. Covering.)
Is that I’m pulling Chet from the field for an undercover operation.

CHET
Uh? Zelda??

ZELDA
DEEP undercover. Long term.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
How long? I still need to see Avatar 2: The Way of WATER!

WHITMIRE
Sounds serious. Anything I should be concerned about?

ZELDA
Need to know. Wouldn’t want any of those opponents of yours finding out.

WHITMIRE
Well, alright then.

ZELDA
And I promise - no mistakes. Skip and his team will not let you down.

BAMBI
Papa Bear, who’s your hunky friend?

WHITMIRE
Her name is Zelda.

BAMBI
No, silly! The other one. Care for a dip, handsome?

CHET
I didn’t bring my trunks.

BAMBI
Neither did I.

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Come on, Chet, let’s go! How I’ve missed the water.

CHET
No. No. No!

ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
I don’t think you have a choice.

SFX: Chet starts involuntarily heading to the pool.

ADMIRAL (CONT'D)
CANNONBALL!

SFX: SPLASH

MUSIC: MAIN TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Skipteen Candles”.

INT. SKIP & MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

SFX: Video game noises

BOWDEN (In a hushed tone, as if calling a golf game.)
The air is thick with tension, ladies and gentlemen. Never before in the history of video gaming have two such power houses faced off like this. Except in that Donkey Kong movie. It looks like McGrath is about to make her move

MACKENZIE
Eat my space laser, Granger!

SKIP
Not today, McGrath. I’ve got you right where I want you.

SFX: ZAP! ZAP!

SKIP (CONT'D)
What? How did you get me?

MACKENZIE
Me? I’m dead too!

GLORIA
So busy hunting each other, you never saw me coming.

BOWDEN
Amazing, ladies and gentlemen! Newcomer Gloria Kovak has come out of nowhere to totally smoke these two seasoned pros.

SFX: Knock at the door.

SKIP
McGrath, did you order MORE pizza?

MACKENZIE
No, but if this is a food delivery person, I’m going to kiss them full on the mouth.

SFX: McGrath opens the door and gasps. Her teenage niece is standing on the other side. She’s on the phone.

MADDISON
Aunty Mac!
(To the person on the phone)
Gram, she’s alive. Like I said. Alright, hold on.

MACKENZIE
Maddison!? What are you doing here?

MADDISON
Getting proof of life. Smile.

SFX: Maddy takes a quick photo of McGrath.

MADDISON (CONT'D)
Sending it you now, Gram. Yes, you CAN get a text and talk on the phone at the same time. You know what? Here, you want proof? You talk to her.

SFX: Maddison hands the phone to McGrath.

MACKENZIE
No no no...
(Now on the phone)
Hi, mom. Yes, I’m alive. Why, did the family all make bets again? Hold on, let me go in my bedroom so we can talk in private.

SFX: McGrath shuts her bedroom door.

MADDISON
So. You’re all Auntie Mac’s friends?

SKIP
Auntie Mac?

MADDISON
Yeah. Hi, Maddison McGrath. She/they.

SKIP
Skip Granger. He/his or they if that’s more comfortable for you. My gosh, this is a real honor! Welcome! I’m your aunt’s roommate!

MADDISON
Oooooh okaaay.

SKIP
Platonic. Very. And these are our friends, Bowden and Gloria.

BOWDEN
Non platonic. Very.

GLORIA
Hi! We’re so pleased to meet you.

BOWDEN
Any relative of McGrath is a friend of mine! And yes...I am.

MADDISON
Am...what?

BOWDEN
I’m the boyfriend from “Acquaintances”. I understand the youths have discovered it on streaming.

MADDISON
Sorry, I mostly just read.

BOWDEN
Blasphemer!

SKIP
Maddison, come in! Make yourself at home. We know so little about Mackenzie’s family.

BOWDEN
Like the fact she has any at all.

MADDISON
Well, we’re not blood relatives, but legally she is my aunt. My grandmom adopted her when she was a teenager.

SFX: McGrath comes back in.

MACKENZIE
Here’s your phone.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, you never told me you were adopted!

MACKENZIE
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Gloria, but I don’t really like to talk about my private life. What do any of us really know about each other’s upbringing anyway?

GLORIA
Bo had absentee parents and a psychotic older brother.

BOWDEN
Skip suffers from classic middle child syndrome living in the shadow of his dead father...

SKIP
..and Gloria has brought up several times that she was raised on her uncle’s survivalist compound.

GLORIA
So...quite a bit, really.

MACKENZIE
Maddison, please tell me what the hell is going on. I couldn’t understand anything your grandmother was saying through her tears. Of joy or sorrow the jury is still out!

MADDISON
They were happy tears! She thought you were dead.

MACKENZIE
WHY?

MADDISON
Because we got this jabrony’s message.

MACKENZIE
Which jabrony? What message?

MADDISON
We all got this video message on our phones. Mom, dad, grandma - everyone.

SFX: Maddison pulls out her phone, finds a video and plays it. It’s Skip! He’s very solemn.

SKIP (ON PHONE)
Hello, McGrath family. You don’t know me, but my name is Skip Granger and I am a co-worker of Mackenzie’s. More than a co-worker. She’s my best friend. Was my best friend. Mackenzie and I are both employed by a secret government agency. You won’t find it in any directory, or even an internet search. But we’re real. Very real and very secret. So much so that if we were to die or be captured in the line of duty, our government would deny any knowledge of us. They might go as far as to wipe any record of us having ever existed. I promised McGrath - Mackenzie - that I would not let that happen. That her family wouldn’t end up thinking that she had run away or given up or gotten into trouble. That’s not who she is. Not any more. In fact, she’s the strongest, bravest person I have ever met, and if you’re seeing this...I’m sorry to say that you will never see her again. But I promise you - whatever happened, Mackenzie McGrath was a hero.

SFX: Video off.

GLORIA
Oh my heart.

BOWDEN
Skip, that was...

MACKENZIE
That was the most beautiful thing any one has ever said about me and I am absolutely going to MURDER YOU! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO MY FAMILY!

SFX: McGrath starts slapping Skip.

SKIP
I didn’t send it! I swear! I made the video months ago because we promised each other would make sure our families knew that we didn’t just disappear if we got captured or killed

MACKENZIE
I’M STILL ALIVE!

SKIP
I won’t be if you don’t stop hitting me!

SFX: She stops.

SKIP (CONT'D)
Thank you. Look, I made some recordings in advance, on the very likely contingency we both died at the same time. But it wasn’t supposed to send!

MACKENZIE
Do I need to show you how to use Gmail AGAIN?

SKIP
No! I did it on the EMF computers.

MACKENZIE
So Outlook then.

SKIP
Uhhh maybe.

BOWDEN
Ooof, reminds me of the time I Replied All to the entire cast of the Charmed reboot. Talk about mean girls!

MADDISON
Anyway, this is great news!

MACKENZIE
That I’m alive? Yes.

MADDISON
No! That you’re spies!

SKIP
Did I say spies? I mean...funny story...uhh...it was a...prank! That’s right. A fraternity prank. An all-genders academic fraternity...

MACKENZIE
Cool it, Charlie Brown.

MADDISON
I need your help. Something very weird is going on at my high school.

MACKENZIE
High school is supposed to be weird.

MADDISON
Yeah, I get that. This is different. Like, we keep getting all these new teachers.

BOWDEN
The turnover rate in public education is an indictment of the entire system.

MADDISON
Uh....sure. But these new teachers are all TERRIBLE - and their tenure coincides with the arrival of our new exchange student with the funny name.

MACKENZIE
Maddie, I know that I am not always the best influence, but you were raised better than to make fun of foreign names.

MADDISON
I didn’t say foreign name. I said FUNNY name: Cherry Von Icee.

SFX: Everyone laughs.

SKIP
That cannot be a real name.

BOWDEN
I knew this was going to happen the minute Millennials started breeding.

SKIP
It's like a Fortnight handle gone bad!

MADDISON
And they’re all obsessed with prom! The new teachers, the principal, all they talk about is our winter prom.

GLORIA
Well, maybe they’re excited! I would be. I was home schooled, so the closest thing I got to prom was teaching Uncle Riley’s cows to square dance.

SKIP
You’re in good company, Gloria. I also did not attend my prom.

MACKENZIE
Nobody asked you, huh, champ?

SKIP
Quite the contrary. I had no less than six offers to attend to prom, but between my crushing fear of social activities and not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings by picking one girl over the other five, I simply declined them all and stayed home.

MACKENZIE
You know what? Good for you, Skip. Prom is nothing but a stupid, gender biased, traditional roles re- enforcing sham put on in a school gym full of horny teenagers.

BOWDEN
Nobody asked you, huh?

MACKENZIE
Not a one.

BOWDEN
Well, had we been friends during our misspent youth, we could have gone together.

GLORIA
Oh, Bo, did you not get a prom either?

BOWDEN
Me? I was prom king four years running. Also homecoming king, snow ball prince and Queen of the Debutante ball. But that’s another story.

MADDISON
Auntie Mac, I’m serious. I need your help. Just come and you’ll see for yourself. I promise.

MACKENZIE
Have you talked to my mom about this? She teaches at your school.

MADDISON
Not any more.

MACKENZIE
What? Since when?

MADDISON
Since the new principal came in. Danny Clifton. He pushed grandma down to being a guidance
counselor.

MACKENZIE
When is this prom?

MADDISON
This coming weekend.

SKIP
What are you thinking, McGrath?

MACKENZIE
Well. I do have to get her home to Seattle safely, and I suppose have a long talk with my mother about...everything. I can check out the high school while I’m there.

SKIP
You mean while we’re there. If there’s a mission, you’re going to need us. If not...I say we could all use a weekend away in the great northwest!

MACKENZIE
You’re not going to bring Athena, are you?

SKIP
Of course! I’m not giving up on her! Besides, I think she actually might respect me a tiny bit since we shamefully pulled the wool over her eyes.

GLORIA
Oh, this is so exciting! I know we aren’t really going to prom, and this may turn into a serious mission, but...I dunno, I have butterflies in my stomach!

BOWDEN
Gloria, would you give me the honor of going to prom with me?

GLORIA
(Swoons)

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. EMF COMPUTER LAB

SFX: Bleep and bloops, one supposes. A door opens and Zelda enters with Athena, who is in chains.

ZELDA
Welcome back to the EMF’s legendary Computer Lab “B”. Despite my protests that letting a criminal genius anywhere NEAR our computer systems was a terrible idea, operations INSISTS all field personnel complete digital ethics training. So here we are with day two of your lessons.

ATHENA
And here I thought these chains meant you were taking me to Applebee’s.

ZELDA
Sit down.

SFX: She does so.

ZELDA (CONT'D)
I’ve got to go get the training materials. I’m just going to lock you to this chair. I’ve disconnected the computer from the network and don’t even think about pulling a Houdini. I’ve got two armed guards outside with tranq guns. And please...take it personally.

SFX: Zelda locks Athena to her chair and then exits.

ATHENA
Somehow this is still better than Hollywood Squares night with Balthazar. Eh, it's a low b ar.

SFX: Some typing.

SFX: Evil computer noises. A distorted voice speaks.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER THE COMPUTER)
Ms. O’Brien. Allow me to introduce myself...

ATHENA
Let me guess. Terry Millionaire. Philanthropist billionaire and spooky computer voice. How are you doing this?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER THE COMPUTER)
My company recently struck a deal to provide the EMF with high tech network upgrades. Every chip in this computer is from one of my companies. It was easy enough to access the comm system.

ATHENA
OH PLEASE. Access to the comm system’s back end was laughably simple. I had access weeks ago to internal messaging, inter-agency bulletins, even email. Pulled a pretty great prank on Skip - do you know he has a folder called “Do Not Send”? Lame! It’s sent now.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER THE COMPUTER)
What was in it?

ATHENA
I dunno, I didn’t look at it. Probably filing system videos.

TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER THE COMPUTER)
Well. Successful test. Davin was right. You’re exactly the kind of person I could use. I am now sending you code designed to override the entire building’s locks. At 1800 hours on Sunday, all you have to do is execute the code from here and you’ll all be free.

ATHENA
Yeah. What exactly is your angle?

TERRY MILLIONAIRE (OVER THE COMPUTER)
Davin Ford is a valuable employee. You’re a resourceful gal. The rest of your cellmates may have certain skills useful in my newest endeavors. 1800 hours Sunday. Be seeing you.

ATHENA
Wait -

SFX: Evil computer noises stop. The door opens.

SKIP
Athena! Oh good, you haven’t started your training yet. I need you in the field.

ATHENA
I can’t believe I’m actually relieved to hear that. Anything would be better than this.

SKIP
Oh, don’t worry. I can do the entire digital ethics training with you on the plane! We'll get to spend the whole six hours together!

SFX: The door closes as Skip leaves.

ATHENA
Oh yay.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. MCGRATH HOUSE - MORNING

SFX: The peaceful suburban sounds of a quiet morning are broken by a car screeching to a halt and the doors opening.

MACKENZIE
This is a dumb idea. They probably don’t want to see me.

SKIP
Now, McGrath, maybe we should take a deep breath and pause. Your family has been through a lot - thinking you were dead.

MACKENZIE
We’re probably walking in on a celebration. Trust me.

ATHENA
Well, they better have champagne.

SFX: McGrath rings the doorbell.

BOWDEN
How do I look?

GLORIA
Like we all do - as if you flew cross country all night with no sleep. Why?

BOWDEN
You never know...they might be fans.

SFX: The door opens, revealing MARTHA MCGRATH.

MARTHA
Yes, can I help - oh my stars, Mackenzie!

MACKENZIE
Hi Martha.

SFX: Martha pulls Mackenzie into a hug.

MARTHA
Oh my God, we all feared the worst! I could hardly believe it even after Maddison called.

MADDISON
Thanks, Gram.

MARTHA
Welcome home, Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE
Thanks...mom.

MARTHA
Forgive my manners. Who are your friends?

MACKENZIE
Well, I think you’ve “met” Skip.

SKIP
A thousand apologies, m’am. I HAVE NO IDEA how that message got out there before we, well, died.

MARTHA
Well, I think it was a sweet thought, but you gave us quite a scare.

SKIP
Understood. It will never happen again.

MARTHA
Say, aren’t you that Annie O’Bannon?

ATHENA
Athena O’Brien.

MARTHA
Right! The girls and I watched your wedding on TV! Mrs. Williams spent the next year on a yacht. For some reason.

MACKENZIE
And this is Bowden and Gloria.

BOWDEN & GLORIA
Hello!

MARTHA
Aren’t you two the cutest?

BOWDEN
We are! What an astute observation!

MACKENZIE
Mom, we need to talk to the family. Can we come in?

MARTHA
Of course. Everyone, come in, make yourself at home.

INT. MCGRATH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Martha holds the screen door open and everyone shuffles in.

SKIP
Mrs. McGrath, your home is beautiful. (GASPS) Is your bookshelf arranged by the color of the
spines?

MARTHA
And by size and publication date.

SKIP
(Swoons)

MACKENZIE
Stop flirting with my mom.

MARTHA (Yelling upstairs)
Marty, Mindy, come down here. Look who’s home!

SFX: Marty and Mindy coming bounding down the stairs.

MARTY
Holy crap-oly, she IS alive! The prodigal daughter returns.

MINDY
Stop using phrases you don’t understand, Marty.

MACKENZIE
Skip, Gloria, Bowden, Athena, say hello to my brother and his wife. They’re Maddison’s parents.

SKIP, BOWDEN, GLORIA
Hello.

MARTY
Hey, you’re the guy that said my sister was dead! I got a bone to pick with you, buster!

SKIP
Yes, as I was just saying to your mom, I’m really sorry about that. It was some sort of computer glitch.

MINDY
So it wasn’t a prank? It’s true? You’re SPIES?

ATHENA
YESSSS!

MACKENZIE
NO. DUH. Come on, guys. Classic McGrath prank! I only wish I could have seen the looks on your faces.

MINDY
But he just said it was a computer error -

MACKENZIE
Exactly. It wasn’t supposed to send until Christmas.

MARTY
That’s dark. Even for you.

ATHENA
She has her moments.

MARTHA
She’s lying. This is just like I every time I asked if you were stoned. I know what’s a lie and what’s the truth. That’s alright. I understand. A girl must have secrets from her mother. Are you staying for dinner?

MACKENZIE
Yeah, I guess. In fact, we might be here a few days.

SKIP
We’ll find a hotel.

MARTHA
Nonsense. Any friend of Mackenzie’s is welcome here. Mr. Granger, there’s a pullout bed in the den. Bowden and Gloria can stay in the guest room. Mackenzie can have her old room and you can sleep on the trundle bed in there, Athena.

MINDY
But Marty and I are sleeping in that room!

MARTHA
You can bunk with Maddy for a few nights, Mindy.

MADDISON
Why am I being punished?

SKIP
Mama McGrath, Maddison here has informed us of some strange goings on at your place of employ.

MACKENZIE
She said you got demoted?

MARTHA
Not demoted. Transferred to guidance. It’s just...different.

BOWDEN
Like when you book a commercial, but it turns out to be an industrial.

GLORIA
Maybe we can help. Since we’re here.

MARTHA
Well...our new principal certainly is unusual, and the school definitely needs help.

SKIP
Then look no further. We’ll head to school with you today.

ATHENA
First thing I’m going to do is pull the fire alarm!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

SFX: High school sounds. Skip is talking on the phone.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Skip, I cannot stress this enough - you can’t be racking up expenses on an unauthorized mission!

SKIP
I know we were due back yesterday, Section Chief, but McGrath’s niece was right. There is something SERIOUSLY weird happening here.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
How’s your cover?

SKIP
Remarkable. You hear stories on the news about teacher shortages, but you never dream a public high school would just hire the first five strangers who walk through the door. Bowden’s teaching Drama, McGrath’s teaching programming and Gloria and I are teaching P.E. Which, frankly, is bringing up a lot of childhood trauma for me. See, I had to take remedial gym -

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
And Athena?

SKIP
Metal shop. Anyway, the one condition of our employment was that we join the prom planning committee. It’s all anyone is talking about. We’re on our way to a meeting now.

ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Alright. But if nothing solid comes out of this, I need you home.

SFX: Call ends. A group of giggling girls approaches, led by Bowden and CHERRY VON ICEE.

BOWDEN
And that’s when I said to him, “Harry, gender is whatever you make of it.”

YOUNG BOY
That's so cool!

BOWDEN
Next thing you know, he’s living the dream: mid-credit Marvel cameos.

SFX: A group of teens giggle and swoon.

CHERRY
What a great story, teach! Here have a pencil.

BOWDEN
Uh, thanks, Miss...Von Icee is it?

CHERRY
That’s right.

BOWDEN
Old polar bear money, I presume.

CHERRY
You’re so funny! Smooches and pooches!

SFX: The giggly girls walk away.

MADDISON
Wow, Mr. Montcrief! Do you really know Harry Styles?

BOWDEN
We share two out of four hair stylists.

SKIP
Maddison, what’s the word from the student prom committee?

MADDISON
Not much to report, but I’m on my way to a meeting. One weird thing - they keep handing out these promotional pencils.

BOWDEN
This is the fourth one I’ve been handed today.

SKIP
And I’ve been handed at least six! Diamond tipped Number Three pencils. These would NEVER pass a ScanTron.

BOWDEN
That’s why I always carry my lucky number two. Hello, beautiful.

MADDISON
I gotta scoot. No latecomers are admitted to committee meetings.

SKIP
Alright. Maddy, remember to write down as much as you can. Bowden and I are on our way to the staff meeting with the principal. We’ll debrief after.

MADDISON
Got it, chief! Man, I love this spy stuff.

SKIP
Not spy stuff!

BOWDEN
Skip, come on, everyone’s already inside.

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - STAFF ROOM - CONTINUOUS

SFX: A door opens and Skip and Bowden enter the staff conference room. They are greeted by PRINCIPAL DANNY CLIFTON. He is gratingly cheerful and laughs like a lunatic.

MACKENZIE
About time.

MARTHA
Hello, Mr. Granger.

SKIP
Counselor McGrath, good afternoon!

MACKENZIE
Stop flirting with my mom.

DANNY
Alright! Our last two committee members! Take a seat, latecomers!

SKIP
So sorry, Principal Clifton.

DANNY
Please, it’s Danny.

GLORIA
I should make you suckers run laps!

BOWDEN
That’s my girl - getting into the part!

ATHENA
You couldn’t run a lap if you were playing Johnny Unitas.

DANNY
Okay, Chatty Cathys, let’s zip those lips! As you all know, the most important day of the year is upon us. Prom night is TONIGHT! Oh sure, some might say that graduation or SAT prep or, I dunno, reading is the most important thing we do here. But those people are WRONG! DEAD WRONG!

SFX: Danny lets out a laugh like a rejected Batman villain.

BOWDEN
Great Caesar Romero’s ghost.

DANNY
I want to talk to you today about the THREE Ps - Pencils, Prom, and Progress Reports. As you know, Diamond Crusted Number Three Pencils are ALL the rage right now. So much so that starting tomorrow, I am insisting all teachers require them in their classrooms.

GLORIA
Even in P.E.?

DANNY
ESPECIALLY in P.E., Gloria! Gotta record those push-ups! Now, in order to facilitate this new requirement, I will be providing each of you with cases of pencils to sell to your students. Those students can then sell MORE cases to their friends, who in turn can buy cases to sell to THEIR friends. Then they're just buying them all over the place!

MACKENZIE
So, it’s a pencil Ponzi scheme.

DANNY
Another P word! I love it. You know what else starts with P? PROFITS. Profits needed to make a practically perfect prom!

BOWDEN
I haven’t heard this much alliteration since I toured in Suessical the Musical!

DANNY
And, finally, I’ll remind you that your performance reviews are predicated on pencil sales and a picture perfect prom!

SFX: General murmurs. Martha clears her throat.

MARTHA
Excuse me, Principal Clifton -

DANNY
Ah ah ah! Danny.

MARTHA
Danny. It just seems ridiculous to me to be focused on selling these absurd - and quite frankly useless - pencils when student grades have never been lower.

DANNY
What? Preposterous. Name one example.

MARTHA
Alright - Cherry Von Icee. Her Chemistry mid-term project was a Tick Tok video of her dancing to “Weird Science.”

DANNY
I say reward creative thinking! Really, Martha, we’ve got to meet these students where they are!

MARTHA
These students need an education! Or at least the knowledge to pass their AP exams. You may have kicked me out of the classroom, but it’s my job as guidance counselor to try and get these kids into college!

DANNY
Is anyone else having a problem with Miss Von Icee? Ryan, how’s she’s doing in Calculus?

RYAN
Oh yeah. Like, A+, man. Like, she’s VERY into the pencils.

DANNY
Starla, how is she fairing in AP Literature?

STARLA
She is just beyond the beyond. Her insights into Heathcliff were just breath taking.

MARTHA
Wuthering Heights isn’t on curriculum this year.

STARLA
In the Heights? No, no. Heathcliff. The cartoon cat. He’s a bad boy, but there’s lessons in his antics.

BOWDEN
Do I know you? Were you a corpse on NCIS: LA last week?

STARLA
As if.

DANNY
Frank, how’s she’s doing in French?

FRANK
Muy bueno, mi amigo!

MARTHA
THAT’S NOT FRENCH! Please, Mr...Danny. It must be clear to you that none of these people are qualified teachers! Most of them don’t look like they’re much out of high school themselves! If you don’t do something, I’ll be forced to go to the state education board.

DANNY
You do you, Martha. Either way, they’re not going to react before prom and by the time that’s over, I won’t have a care in the world. So...here are your pencils...

SFX: He starts throwing cases of pencils on the desk.

DANNY (CONT'D)
Sell! Sell! Sell! Meeting dismissed!

SFX: Danny lets out his unhinged laugh. Everyone shuffles out except the EMF.

MACKENZIE
Okay, if anyone had bet me a million dollars I’d meet someone who loved pencils more than Skip, I would have said they were a fool. Until today.

SKIP
His isn’t a love. It’s a perversion. Just like these monstrous pencils.

SFX: Maddison runs up

MADDISON
Gram! Auntie Mac!

MACKENZIE
Maddy, what’s wrong?

MADDISON
You mean what’s RIGHT! While we were in the prom planning meeting, I managed to get a hold of Cherry’s phone. I called myself and put the phone back in her bag. We can hear whatever she’s saying.

MACKENZIE
Look at you, you little spy! Skip, let’s get this girl an internship.

SKIP
Absolutely! Unpaid, of course. Let’s hear what she has to say.

SFX: Maddison turns her speaker phone on.

CHERRY (ON PHONE)
CLIFTON!

DANNY (ON PHONE)
Bwah! Oh, hello, Miss Von Icee. What can I do for you?

CHERRY (ON PHONE)
Clifton, you better come through on this pencil thing. I don’t see them trending AT ALL.

DANNY (ON PHONE)
I just made them MANDATORY in all classes. You’re gonna see big numbers on the tickity tocks any second now.

CHERRY (ON PHONE)
LISTEN UP, CLIFTON. You’re going to make sure this sorry excuse for a school is trending by prom time or a certain video is going to find it’s way to Reddit.

DANNY (ON PHONE)
Please, Cherry...Miss Von Icee!

SFX: The phone disconnects.

SKIP (Aghast)
Blackmail!

BOWDEN
Wait a minute!

SFX: Bowden pulls out his phone and stars scrolling.

BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Sweet D’Amelio sisters, I knew that English teacher looked familiar! She’s Starla Raye - she’s an influencer! Check it out:

STARLA (ON PHONE)
Smooches and pooches, lovies! Just wanted to come on here and remind all you guys and gals and either/ors to be right here for tonight’s epic prom livestream!

GLORIA
And you’re following her...why?

BOWDEN
Her eyeliner tips are - *chef’s kiss*

ATHENA
So much to unpack.

MARTHA
I don’t understand. Why would a teacher be livestreaming prom?

MACKENZIE
Because she’s NOT a teacher. Not really, anyway. All these new staff members you were suspicious of... they all have TikTok accounts - and they’re all friends with Cherry Von Icee. Skip, she’s blackmailing Clifton into giving her influencer friends jobs.

SKIP
Clearly. But...why?

BOWDEN
They’re all from Hyper House!

MACKENZIE
I preemptively hate this.

BOWDEN
Hyper House was an attempt to put up and coming influencers together in one house to promote collabs... and hijinks. It was Discovery+’s biggest streaming debut!

ATHENA
HA! I remember that. Didn’t they burn the place to the ground?

BOWDEN
Yes. The infamous “grilled cheese challenge” gone very very wrong An entire pool of turtles was boiled alive. They all became pariahs' after that. Even Elon Musk’s Twitter wouldn’t take them back.

MADDISON
This is why I read books.

GLORIA
And now they’re all teaching here? And selling diamond pencils?

MACKENZIE
Don’t call it a comeback.

SKIP
It certainly is unusual, but on the scale of global crises, I’m not sure it ranks. Zelda made it pretty clear we had to come home.

MADDISON
Mr. Granger, whatever is happening, it’s happening tonight at prom. You’re already here - can’t you at least stick around for the night?

GLORIA
I was looking forward to my first prom!

ATHENA
More chances for me to pull the fire alarm.

MACKENZIE
Stop it.

SKIP
Erm...well...alright. Since we’re here. We’ll play whatever game Clifton is up to. We fly back first thing in the morning, though. ECONOMY SAVER.

SFX: General excitement.

BOWDEN
Put on your dancing shoes, Miss Kovak. You’re about to have a date with the Prom King.

GLORIA
(Swoons)

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - OUTSIDE GYM - NIGHT

SFX: People shuffling into prom. Music can be heard behind the gym doors. Principal Clifton is checking tickets and pencils.

DANNY
Welcome to the Winter Prom! Prom night! Prom night! Tickets and pencils please. Thank you.

SKIP
Good evening, principal Clifton.

DANNY
Oh, good evening fellow educators! I gotta tell you - super impressed with your pencil numbers, gang! I foresee very positive evaluations!

GLORIA
Oh, Bowden, they’re playing our song!

BOWDEN
Lead the way, my Dancing Queen.

SFX: Music briefly swells as the door opens.

ATHENA
Come on, McGrath. Let’s go spike the punch.

MACKENZIE
They don’t actually serve punch at these things. Do they?

SFX: Music down again as the door shuts behind them, leaving Danny and Skip in the hall.

SKIP
Principal Clifton -

DANNY
Come on, call me Danny!

SKIP
Danny. You seem on edge. Is there something I can do for you? Or something you’d like to get off your chest?

DANNY
Nothing gets by you, huh? Hey, I appreciate it, sport, but by the time this prom is over - all my problems will be solved.

SKIP
Really?

DANNY
You betcha, champ! Here...have a pencil on me.

SFX: Music up as Danny opens the door and goes through. He whistles as he goes.

SKIP
Well. That’s not suspicious at all.

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - NIGHT

ATHENA
Let go of my hand, McGrath!

MACKENZIE
We can’t ACTUALLY spike the punch!

ATHENA
First you won’t let me pull the fire alarm and now this. I thought you were the fun one.

MACKENZIE
Athena! These are kids.

ATHENA
High school kids! There’s probably three kinds of rum in there already.

MACKENZIE
No. I won’t allow it. Mostly because I don’t want to hear it from my mother if Maddision gets drunk.

ATHENA
Can we take a swig though?

MACKENZIE
Pass the flask, jack.

SFX: McGrath unscrews Athena’s flask and takes a swig.

ATHENA
Woah. Aren’t you afraid mommy’s going to catch you?

MACKENZIE
Do not talk about my mother.

ATHENA
Why? She seems nice enough. For a normal.

MACKENZIE
Oh she’s very nice. TOO nice. She took me in when no one else wanted me. I’d bounced from foster home to foster home my whole life. I’d almost aged out of the system when all of a sudden Saint Martha McGrath comes along and adopts me.

ATHENA
The monster.

MACKENZIE
I drove her crazy. I disobeyed rules. I ran away. I...ended up in jail. But does she get mad at me? No. Does she tell me what a disappointment I am? No. She tells me she loves me and that she believes in me. Just once. JUST ONCE, I want her to lose it on me! I think I’d actually feel better!

ATHENA
Well, my mother was assassinated. So I’d give pretty much anything to tell her how I feel about her - good and bad. And if all she had to say was that she loved me? Shit...

SFX: Athena takes a big swig.

MACKENZIE
Alright, alright. Point taken. Gimme that flask back. I can’t believe we’re talking like real adults.

ATHENA
Can’t you? It’s not like I can talk to anyone else.

SKIP (Approaching)
McGrath, Athena, have you seen Danny?

ATHENA
Principal pencil pusher? No.

SKIP
He came in here just before me, but now I can’t find him anywhere.

SFX: Footsteps approaching. It’s Marty, Mindy and Martha.

MARTY
Hey hey hey, if it isn’t my favorite spy family!

MINDY
Marty, keep your voice down!

MACKENZIE
What are you doing here?

MARTHA
We’re chaperoning the dance. Just like you. Marty and Mindy are on the PTA.

SKIP
Have any of you multitudinous McGraths seen Principal Danny Clifton?

MARTHA
He was just over at the DJ table...

SKIP
But he’s not there now. And neither is the DJ. Mama McGrath, would you care to join me on a little reconnaissance mission?

MARTHA
How exciting! I accept, young man.

SFX: Skip and Martha go off.

MACKENZIE (Calling after)
Stop hitting on my mom!

MINDY
There’s Maddison! (Calling) Maddison! Maddy! Come over here! Come say hello to your father.

SFX: Maddison shuffles over.

MADDISON
Mom! Stop embarrassing me.

MINDY
Look how gorgeous they are! Your outfit is just stunning! Is that...a cape-lette?

MADDISON
Yeah, it was Auntie Athena’s idea.

MACKENZIE
Auntie?

ATHENA
What can I say? I bond quickly with the youths.

MINDY
You left the house so quickly! We couldn’t even get pictures of you and your date!

MARTY
Yeah, come on! Let’s meet this guy. Or gal. Totally fine if it’s a gal.

MINDY
It doesn’t have to be a boy OR a girl now, Marty. We’ve been over this.

MADDISON
I told you guys, my friends and I came as a group! We just want to have fun.

MARTY
So, you’re like in a polycule? Which is fine. I think.

MADDISON
Daaad. Auntie Mac, I have to go to the ladies room.

MACKENZIE
I feel ya. Come on, Auntie Athena. Let’s go powder our noses.

SFX: The three go off...

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - ALL GENDER RESTROOM - SAME

SFX: ...and enter the gender neutral rest room

MADDISON
Arrrrh! My mother is so lame. I wish she was cool like gram.

MACKENZIE
You think your grandmother is COOL? Ok, kiddo, you need to start spending a lot more time around me.

CHERRY (OUTSIDE)
Come on, I need a smoke break.

MADDISON
It’s Cherry Von Icee! Everyone, hide in the stall!

SFX: Athena, McGrath and Maddison squeeze into a stall just as Cherry and her entourage enter.

CHERRY
This prom is so corny.

STARLA
The only thing worth live streaming so far were those two kids having a dance off doing “the robot.”

CHERRY
Those weren’t kids, Starla, that was the robotics club display. Still, whatever Clifton has planned with these pencils better be spectacular or the whole world is going to see this video.

SFX: Cherry plays a video on his phone. There is sexy dance music and the soft whinny of a horse.

STARLA
Is he...

CHERRY
Yup!

STARLA
...dressed like a HORSE?

CHERRY
He is.

DANNY (ON VIDEO)
Oh yeah, you can pet me!

SFX: Video off.

CHERRY
He knows I’ve got that and if he doesn’t want it up on Reddit, he’ll provide a truly viral moment for me at this prom. Put on your hard hat, Starla. This is gonna EXPLODE. Oh, I look cute in this hard hat. Help me take a selfie in the gym.

SFX: They leave. Maddy opens the stall.

MADDISON
So that’s what Cherry has on Mr. Clifton. He’s a Pony Boy!

MACKENZIE
There is so much to process here.

ATHENA
Have you never had a Pony Boy? Petting them is so soothing.

MADDISON
We’re not going to let her get away with this, right?

MACKENZIE
No way. He’s a consenting adult and not hurting anyone. Nobody gets to yuck anybody’s yum on my watch.

ATHENA
Hell yeah.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT

SFX: The prom rages on in the distance. Skip and Martha sneak around the parking lot.

SKIP
Martha, look, over by the lamp post. It’s Principal Clifton with DJ FriendZone.

MARTHA
Here, duck behind these dumpsters and we should be able to hear them.

DANNY
Do you have what Miss Von Icee needs?

DJ FRIENDZONE
Do you have what we agreed upon?

DANNY
Yes. Here - it’s every cent I scraped together from selling these stupid pencils.

DJ FRIENDZONE
Nice. Then I have exactly what you need.

DANNY
Finally. I’ll be rid of Cherry Von Icee ... and this entire god forsaken school FOREVER!

(Danny does his psycho laugh.)

DJ FRIENDZONE
You really think the whole place will come down?

DANNY
OH. I KNOW IT WILL. Seven years teaching high school physics before I was principal.

DJ FRIENDZONE
Radical. But also a bummer, because all my DJ stuff is in there.

DANNY
You’ve been compensated more than enough for your troubles. Come on, let’s go viral.

SFX: They walk off. Skip and Martha emerge.

MARTHA
Oh my stars! Skip, he’s going to destroy the school!

SKIP
Don’t worry, Mama McGrath, nothing’s going to happen on my watch. Let’s go find the others.

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - SAME

MUSIC: Fast dance music

BOWDEN
And that’s how you do the Zack Braff.

GLORIA
Were you REALLY prom king, Bowden?

BOWDEN
Yes. (Beat.) It was a very small school.

SKIP
Bowden! Gloria! We’ve got a potential 9-1-1 emergency brewing. Have you seen McGrath and Athena?

GLORIA
Not since we got here. What’s up?

SFX: Mic feedback as Danny takes the stage.

DANNY
Good evening Laura Palmer Memorial High School! Welcome to your winter prom!

SFX: Some cheers.

DANNY (CONT'D)
As you may have heard, we have something very special planned for tonight. Let’s all get out our very special Number Three Diamond Pencils and hold them high in the air.

SFX: Shuffling as people do so.

DANNY (CONT'D)
Great. Great. Now everybody keep them up in the air and DJ FriendZone is going to play us a very special tune!

DJ FRIENDZONE
Yo yo yo! LPM HS - this one is going to bring the house down!

SFX: The DJ hits a button and a horrible high frequency noise starts. General sounds of discomfort from the crowd.

BOWDEN
Oh good God, is THIS what the kids are listening to nowadays?

SFX: A different tone enters the mix.

BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Gah! What is that now?

GLORIA
It’s...the pencils! The diamonds are all resonating to the frequency!

SFX: Now a slight rumble.

SKIP
It’s vibrating the whole building! Oh no! That’s what he meant by bringing the house down! We’ve got to stop it! Bowden, can you get to the DJ booth?

BOWDEN
Nothing gets between Bowden Montcrief and a microphone!

SKIP
Martha, help me evacuate the students.

DANNY
(Psychotic laughter) It’s working! It’s working! Goodbye, Cherry Von Icee! I’m free from you forever! Here’s your viral moment! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

SFX: He throws down the mic and jumps from the stage. CHAOS. The rumbling is getting louder.

STARLA
O.M.G. He’s like...totally insane.

CHERRY
I know, right? I LOVE IT! This is gonna be HUGE! Should I take this cute hard hat off? Maybe I’ll get hit with a brick - people love it when pretty girls cry.

BOWDEN
Alright. We need to cancel out this sound. What do you think I should do - my Frank Sinatra or my Barry Manilow?

GLORIA
Why don’t we just unplug the system?

BOWDEN
Oh sure. Or that.

SFX: They pull the plug. The high frequency noise stops but the rumbling doesn’t.

BOWDEN (CONT'D)
Nothing happened!

GLORIA
It’s the diamonds - they must be too agitated by now. What we need is a different noise - something at a different frequency to cancel it out. What we need is something like...

ATHENA
FIRE DRILL!

SFX: Athena pulls that fire alarm. It rings out and slowly, the rumbling stops.

ATHENA (CONT'D)
My time to shine. So satisfying.

EXT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - SAME

SKIP
That’s right, that’s right, crisis over. Everyone head back in to prom slowly.

MARTHA
Single file, please. Remain orderly.

SKIP
Uh uh uh - not you, Miss Von Icee. A word please.

CHERRY
Eew. Like, get your hands off me, perv.

SKIP
Principal Clifton almost hurt a lot of people tonight - but that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t hurt him first.

CHERRY
Maybe, maybe not - dude is clearly psycho pants. Anyway, no harm no foul. School is still standing and I deleted that video of him in horse pants. His stunt tonight went MEGA viral. Hyper House is going to be back on the map!

MADDISON
I don’t think so.

CHERRY
Why not, scrub?

MADDISON
Because there’s more than one viral video coming out tonight.

SFX: Maddison hits play on a video.

MADDISON (ON VIDEO)
O.M.G. First Cherry Von Icee burned down the Hyper House, now she’s bringing down the house in a whole new way, secretly behind the plot to destroy Laura Palmer Memorial High School.

CHERRY (ON VIDEO)
He knows I’ve got that and if he doesn’t want it up on Reddit, he’ll provide a truly viral moment for me at this prom. Put on your hard hat, Starla, this is gonna EXPLODE.

SFX: Video off.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
You. You. You ruined me! How will I ever get into Penn now?

SKIP
I guess you’ll have to do it the old fashioned way.

CHERRY
Nepotism?

SKIP
Hard work.

CHERRY
OH GOD NO!

SKIP
Perhaps in your college essay you can explain how three to five years in jail for conspiracy to destroy a high school helped you to grow.

CHERRY
She doesn’t even use social media! How did she even know how to hashtag?

MADDISON
I read it in a book.

SKIP
Good job...Junior Agent Maddison McGrath!

MADDISON
Really? Do you mean it Agent Granger?

SKIP
For sure. I mean, the good work part. I don’t have the authority to grant field commissions to minors.

MARTHA
Good. I think one spy in the family is enough...for the moment.

SKIP
Speaking of - has anyone seen McGrath? Specifically Mackenzie McGrath?

MARTHA
Probably taking advantage of the chaos to loot the cafeteria. Or hack the computer lab. That girl infuriates me some times, Skip. So much talent, so much heart and she squanders both by keeping herself closed off. I thought if I just kept showing her love and encouragement she’d soften, but she just kept getting more and more extreme. You and your friends seem to have been an excellent influence on her. Except maybe that Athena.

SKIP
I’ve found that a little tough love goes a long with McGrath. Push back just a little - and I think you’ll see a whole new side of her.

SFX: McGrath and Athena approach. Chomping on chips.

MACKENZIE (Mouth full)
Hey, mom. Hey, Skip. Anybody want a snack?

ATHENA (Mouth full)
We looted the cafeteria.

MARTHA
Mackenzie McGrath, you put all of that back right now young lady.

MACKENZIE
Excuse me?

MARTHA
AND you’re going to pay for the bags you already opened. Agent Granger, I want it to come directly out of her paycheck.

SKIP
Yes, m’am!

ATHENA
What are you going to do, ground her?

MARTHA
If I have to. She certainly won’t be having you back over! You’re a terrible influence! Even if your taste in capes is impeccable.

MACKENZIE
Jeez, mom, alright. I’ll put it all back. But you can’t tell me who to spend my time with. Athena, this prom is back on - let’s go!

ATHENA
Uhh...okay.

MARTHA
BE HOME BY TEN!

MACKENZIE
MIDNIGHT!

MARTHA
ELEVEN!

MACKENZIE
FINE. DEAL. (Beat) I love you, mom.

MARTHA
I love you too, Mackenzie.

INT. LAURA PALMER MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - SAME

MUSIC: Prom music - a Pete Barry 80s power ballad. Everyone is dancing.

GLORIA
So, how does this rank amongst your many proms?

BOWDEN
Well, it’s only the second one where someone tried to kill me...

GLORIA
SECOND?

BOWDEN
It was my third Soph Hop. Barry Bohenr was all riled up that I had taken the lead in the school musical...and his girlfriend. The stage was set for a night of break dancing...and murder. But what about you? How did this stack up against your idea of prom?

GLORIA
It was better than the movies. I love you.

BOWDEN
I love you. Happy prom, Gloria.

GLORIA
Happy prom, Bowden.

SFX: They kiss. The music swirls.

MARTHA
You’re an excellent dancer, Skip.

SKIP
You’re just saying that.

MARTHA
Yes. You are crushing my toes.

SKIP
Sorry.

MARTHA
Don’t be. I’ve already been asked to step in as interim principal. You saved my job, my school, and my granddaughter... and you brought Mackenzie back to me. I’ll worry about her out there, but I feel better knowing you’re out there with her.

SKIP
Happy prom, Mama McGrath.

MARTHA
Happy prom, Skip. Watch my toes, please.

SFX: The music swirls.

MACKENZIE
Proms are so dumb.

ATHENA
Yup.

MACKENZIE
Look at all those normals out there dancing.

ATHENA
While we cool kids sit on the bleachers. Sharing Funyons.

MACKENZIE (Drinking)
And whatever’s in this flask.

ATHENA
Potato vodka.

MACKENZIE
I can’t say I ever pictured this happening. I mean, you’ve tried to kill me multiple times.

ATHENA
In a way, it’s a sign of affection.

MACKENZIE
It’s true. You can ask my mom about how I almost blew up my ninth grade crush Danny DiNapoli.

ATHENA
When I was at boarding school, I almost drowned the Crown Prince of Brunei and the Princess of Sweden. It was a misguided attempt to become a thruple.

(They both laugh.)

MACKENZIE
You know, for someone who kidnapped me and held me in a cell, you’re sort of okay as a teammate. You’re smart, resourceful and you’re constantly reminding these squares that working for the government is sort of awful even if we’re the best part of it.

ATHENA
And you’re the best of them. I probably would have broken out of my cell a long time ago if it wasn’t for you.

MACKENZIE
What?

ATHENA
I mean...being bar maids together, doing totally awesome motorcycle stunts, your impressive hacking work at the NFT convention. Having to stay with in six feet of you at all times. I dunno. You make this sort indentured servitude sort of... tolerable. And tonight was straight up fun.

MACKENZIE
Well...like I said...having you around hasn’t been totally awful. But don’t think I’ve forgotten you tried to take over the world.

ATHENA
That was kinda hot though, right?

MACKENZIE
Yeah, because I was dangling over a lava pit!

ATHENA
Hey, that was The Admiral’s fault. I wanted you to be on my side, remember?

MACKENZIE
I remember.

ATHENA
I wanted you.

MACKENZIE
Athena...your face is awfully close to mine. You’ve got a whole six feet to work with.

ATHENA
I. Wanted. You. Still do.

MACKENZIE
You’re full of shit.

ATHENA
I’m not. Want me to prove it?

MACKENZIE
Uh huh.

SFX: THEY KISS!

ATHENA
See. The world didn’t end.

MACKENZIE
No. I can’t do this. You’re...you. I’m...me! It’s messed up and wrong.

ATHENA
But sometimes wrong just feels right, doesn’t it?

MACKENZIE
It really does. Let’s do it again.

SFX: THEY KISS AGAIN!

MACKENZIE (CONT'D)
I hate how much I liked that.

ATHENA
I stole Gloria’s keys. Wanna go make out in the locker room?

MACKENZIE
Woah woah woah hold up - this is very complicated. BUT YES DEFINITELY. Just...we can’t let Skip see us.

ATHENA
Don’t worry, he’s too busy trying not to step on your mom’s feet.

MARTHA (In the distance)
Ouch!

ATHENA
And failing.

MACKENZIE
Let's go.

MUSIC: END TITLES

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Miss October and Mindy McGrath
and Bob Killion as Danny Clifton and The Admiral

Guest Starring
Eric Perry as Secretary Whitmire
Lucy DiCandeloro as Maddison McGrath
Shannon Perry as Martha McGrath
J. Michael DeAngelis as Marty McGrath
Julia Duffy as Cherry Von Icee
Siobhan Donald as Starla Ray
Pete Barry as DJ FriendZone
with William Schaffer Lampe V and Jack DiCandeloro

Theme music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry

The producers may have thought they were stroking my ego by having an entire episode about the McGrath family or by having me say McGrath over and over again. Well - they weren't wrong...but nothing tops the feeling of a new Patreon joining us at www.missionrejected.com/support. Go ahead...make my day.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. EMF SUPERMAX - LATER

SFX: The cell door being opened.

ATHENA
Thanks for walking me home from prom, dork. I’d invite you in...but my dad’s here.

MACKENZIE
Right. Well...see you at work, I guess.

ATHENA
Hey, listen, don’t make this weird. We had a nice moment. Personally, I had more than one.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, well, don’t go blabbing to your cellmates about it.

ATHENA
You mean about how you hit your head on the locker when...

MACKENZIE
Just. BE. QUIET. I need to think. And put some ice on my head.

SFX: McGrath shuts the cell door and leaves.

ATHENA
She loves me. Who wouldn’t? Dad, I’m back. Dad? Lucky? Balthazar? Hellooo?

DAVIN FORD
Miss Athena! You’re late!

ATHENA
I was on a mission, Ford!

DAVIN FORD
Your mission is the jailbreak!

ATHENA
Yeah yeah yeah. Where is everybody?

DAVIN FORD
Your father and the other prisoners are in their assigned places for the great escape. Do you have Mr. Millionaire's code?

ATHENA
Yes, but I’m not going to execute it. I still don’t trust you or Millionaire. You want my help? You’ll wait until I’m ready.

DAVIN FORD
I expected more of you, Athena. Luckily, Mr. Millionaire did not.

SFX: ALARM. ALARM. Sound of the cell doors opening.

ATHENA
What the - what is happening?

DAVIN FORD
Miss Athena, you just executed our escape!

ATHENA
No! I didn’t!

DAVIN FORD
Oh but you did. At least that’s what the EMF is going to think.

ATHENA
You son of a bitch.

DAVIN FORD
We’ve had control of the system for some time now. Getting you to plant some superfluous code was just a test. One you failed.

ATHENA
You are ruining prom night!

DAVIN FORD
We haven’t got time for this! Our cell doors are open, and every other door in this building is locked, save for a very specific escape route mapped out for us. Mr. Millionaire has a car waiting for us outside.

ATHENA
I’m not going on. They’ll think I did this.

DAVIN FORD
Why do you care what they think? Mr. Desoto, a little help?

DESOTO
Ha ha! One night night special coming right up.

ATHENA
You think you’re going to drug me, Desoto?

DESOTO
Would you believe...no?

SFX: WHACK! Desoto karate chops Athena and she goes down.

DAVIN FORD
Pick her up and let’s go. She’ll feel better in the morning when she realizes we just put the EMF out of business. Forever.

MUSIC: STINGER