Season Four, Episode Eight: “ZERO DORK THIRTY”
TRANSCRIPT
SFX - DARK EMF HOLDING CELL, ATHENA MUMBLES TO HERSELF.
ATHENA
Terry Millionaire. Davin Ford. Ted Desoto. Balthazar Montcrief. Lucky Lessmacher. TV’s Craig T. Nelson...
SFX - DOOR OPENS, CHET ENTERS
CHET
Rise and shine, camper. Breakfast is served.
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Store brand Fruit Loops! Everyone’s favorite!
ATHENA
Not hungry.
CHET
You should eat. You look... bad.
ATHENA
I’m in an electrified tiger cage with nothing but a paper thin mattress and a blanket that might as well be made of razor blades. My only companion is my ex-fiancé. And yet my “looks bad” is still pretty frigging amazing.
CHET
I’ll leave the tray. You might change your mind.
ATHENA
(Mumbling)
Terry Millionaire. Davin Ford. Ted Desoto. Balthazar Montcrief. Lucky Less-
CHET
What are you doing?
ATHENA
Using the Arya Stark Revenge Actualization method. Everyone on this list has betrayed me and everyone on this list will taste my revenge. Balthazar Montcrief. Lucky Lessmacher. (Beat) Do you know where my father is?
CHET
No.
ATHENA
CHET PHILLIPS. Terry Millionaire. Davin Ford.... (She continues)
ADMIRAL (IN CHET’S HEAD)
Oooh! Bet you didn’t see that coming!
CHET
Hey, I didn’t put her in here!
ATHENA
Excuse me?
CHET
You. I didn’t put you in here.
ATHENA
But I expect you to get me out. I know you’re here on some lame brained hush hush side quest. All of this reeks like a classic Anders plot.
CHET
Is that what you think? I’m on some deep cover assignment for Zelda? Maybe I just got a better deal. And the chance to mend a broken heart.
ATHENA
You may be a fair weather fan, a chaotic neutral who’s always out for himself, but this Ford business, this Dark EMF, it’s not you, it’s too... cruel. Too cold.
(a beat)
So, one time offer. Get me out of this cage and I’ll help you bring all this down.
CHET
Eat your Fruit Loops. I’ll be back at dinner.
ATHENA
Chet Phillips. Terry Millionaire. The dog from Old Yeller...
SFX: Chet goes out.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
It’s so nice to see you two together again. I always thought it a terrible shame you two crazy kids couldn’t work things out.
CHET PHILLIPS
She tried to use me to take over the world. And so did you, by the by.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
Memories, like the corners of my mind... well, our mind...
SFX - A door opens and DAVIN FORD appears.
DAVIN FORD
Report, Phillips.
CHET PHILLIPS
Ford. How long were you standing there?
DAVIN FORD
Just a moment. Why do you ask?
CHET PHILLIPS
No reason. OK, prisoner report. She’s fine.
DAVIN FORD
And how about you? When I turned the corner, you looked as though someone had just... walked all over your grave. Sure you’re not slipping?
CHET PHILLIPS
Not me. I’m in my prime.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
I agree, he’s never felt better. Though to be fair, my experience with the body is more limited.
DAVIN FORD
It wouldn’t be much for me to ask Mister Millionaire to reassign you to a less... stressful detail.
CHET PHILLIPS
Davin? May I call you Davin?
DAVIN FORD
Eh -
CHET PHILLIPS
Of course I can. Anyway. Your stressful is my cool down.
DAVIN FORD
Heh. You know, if it isn’t abundantly clear from my patronizing tone...
CHET PHILLIPS
You mean your voice?
DAVIN FORD
... I wasn’t in favor of assigning you to this detail.
CHET PHILLIPS
Color me shocked.
DAVIN FORD
So I’ll play along with the big boss’s ‘take your has-been to work day’ charade as long as it pleases him. But I’ve got my eye on you.
SFX - FORD LEAVES
CHET PHILLIPS
(imitating Ford)
And I you, Ford. And I--
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
OOH! CAN I PLAY?
(imitating Ford)
I’ve got my eye on--wait, I can do better--I’ve got my eye on you...
CHET PHILLIPS
I see no way this plan can fail.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
I got my eye on you...I got my eye on you...
MUSIC - OPENING THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents... the backups. Tonight’s episode: ‘Zero Dork Thirty’.
SFX - EMF HQ. BEEP/BOOP/ETC.
SKIP
... and with my fourth move, I’ll send the Medic to Lagos and... boom! Yellow is eradicated! Huh. I wonder why I have so much trouble convincing people to play this one...
SFX - DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
Good morning, Skip--WHOAH!
SFX - A BIG CRASH AS THOUGH A HUGE STACK OF BOARD GAMES HAS BEEN KNOCKED OVER. CAUSE ONE HAS.
GLORIA
Oh, Skip, I’m so sorry, I--
SKIP
Careful Gloria, don’t back up--
SFX - A BIG CRASH AS THOUGH ANOTHER HUGE STACK OF BOARD GAMES HAS BEEN KNOCKED OVER. CAUSE ANOTHER ONE HAS.
GLORIA
Yowzers! Skip, what’s--
SKIP
NO NO NO NOT THAT WAY--
SFX - A BIG CRASH. RULE OF THREES AND ALL. A BEAT.
GLORIA
I’m just going to stand perfectly still, how does that sound?
SKIP
Ideal. Let me restack my Pioneers of Natac collection here... there’s the base game, ocean expansion, junior edition, Jumanji crossover--
GLORIA
Hold on: are all of these board games yours? Haven’t I seen your whole collection?
SKIP
You’ve seen what I keep at home. I had to stop by my storage unit to pick up the rest of these babies.
GLORIA
There must be 500 titles here!
SKIP
Five hundred...and twelve! I’ve been a collector for decades! My uncle gave me a copy of Scooby Doo Monopoly for my sixth birthday and I haven’t looked back!
SFX - DOOR OPEN
BOWDEN
Morning all--WHOAH! It’s like Joe Manganiello’s bachelor party in here!
GLORIA
(surpressing giddy)
Oh my goodness, Skip, is this--dare I even voice the dream--a gaming mission?
SKIP
At the very least, gaming adjacent! Bowden, Gloria, pick a title that tickles your fancy and start researching!
BOWDEN
You know, a laid back, ‘sit around the table’ mission is exactly what I need to take my mind off the intense preparations for Abbott and Costello: Vampire Hunters. The line load has been unlike anything I’ve ever dealt with, especially the whole “Who bit first, what bit second, I don’t know bit third” sequence!
SFX - DOOR OPENS, IN COMES ZELDA
SKIP
Section Chief Anders! I wasn’t expecting you or I’d have my deluxe edition of ‘Spymaster’ ready--
ZELDA
Never mind that Skip, enough’s enough. What’s the big joke?
SKIP
The what?
ZELDA
Don’t play coy, she’s been in my office for thirty minutes and hasn’t made a single quip. What’s the prank?
SKIP
Section Chief, if I had any knowledge of a prank, practical joke, jape, antic, leg-pull or caper, I’d be first in line to stop such tomfoolery! Now who is it who’s behavior has you so on edge?
SFX - DOOR OPENS, IN COMES MCGRATH
MCGRATH
Hey guys, have you seen--oh, there you are, Z! I wasn’t done briefing you on my analysis of the EMF comms subnetwork encryption.
ZELDA
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!
SKIP
McGrath? What’s going on?
ZELDA
SHE’S FREAKING ME OUT IS WHAT!
MCGRATH
So you guys remember how Skip’s heartfelt, pre-recorded, just-in-case eulogy for me got leaked to my family, leading to our almost being crushed under the rubble of a collapsed Pacific Northwest high school?
BOWDEN
It does ring a bell, yes.
MCGRATH
I found the gap in our subnetwork security that let someone release Skip’s ‘Do Not Send’ folder. Great security convention there, by the way, Skip.
SKIP
Well...
MCGRATH
Do you also leave a sign on your running car that says ‘door unlocked’?
SKIP
Only when the valet isn’t immediately visible...
ZELDA
(sighs)
At least she’s quipping again, some semblance of balance is returning.
MCGRATH
ANYWAY. It was a gaping hole in our controls, and ‘she who must not be named’ exploited it.
GLORIA
I wonder if releasing those files was a test to see if she could gain control of the network.
MCGRATH
I’m sure it was. It’s how she injected the malware that let her and the Legion of Doom pull an Andy Dufresne out of Supermax.
SKIP
Something about it all still sits wrong with me... but... anyway. Good work finding that flaw, McGrath, we should get IT busy patching it--
MCGRATH
It’s patched. I walled it off good and tight.
BOWDEN
Then what’s on the rest of those eight single spaced pages?
MCGRATH
A full analysis of any other breachable gaps in our security. I got some good advice from Phillips while we were in Milwaukee, so I’m doing everything in my power to make sure she never, ever gets into our... network... again.
ZELDA
So... if I circle the first letter of every sentence here, it won’t spell out ZELDA SUCKS or anything?
MCGRATH
It’s legit. And pretty good work, if I do say so myself.
ZELDA
All right. If we’re all just going to go along with this, I’ll give it a try. We’ll see how long it lasts. Meanwhile, as per your recommendations, I’m going to review our, er... ‘penetration test’ strategy. That’s a thing?
MCGRATH
Pinky promise.
ZELDA
We’ll see. Weeeee’ll seeeee....
SFX - DOOR CLOSES
SKIP
It’s briefing time. Bowden and McGrath, pull up a stack of ‘Train Ticket Bonanza’ expansion packs.
GLORIA
All right, I’ll sit on Athens through Madagascar...
MCGRATH
I’ve got Nantucket through Zanzibar.
SKIP
And let the games... begin.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
The man you’re looking at is General Sarkis Semyonov, the former supreme military commander of the Republic of Sergebia.
GLORIA
Wait, I know that name... is he the man who, back in 2010, initiated an unprovoked military campaign to conquer that region of the globe?
MCGRATH
Yup. I remember the ‘Made for TV’ movie about this guy.
BOWDEN
There were two, actually. I lost the HBO version to Jon Hamm while Fox made him the hero and cast Kevin Sorbo.
SKIP
(SFX - SLIDE)
Under Semyonov’s command, Sergebia’s army routed all but one neighboring nation; the tiny coastal country of Val Verde. The Val Verdens were able to repeal Sergebia’s attacks until international sanctions forced their retreat. Driven from his homeland in disgrace, Semyonov took up permanent residence on his personal yacht in international waters. And from the confines of said yacht, embarked on a.... uniquely different career.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
Board game designer!
BOWDEN
This guy invented Panic! At the Castle?!
GLORIA
And ‘Fallen America: Post Apocalyptic Survival’? Uncle Reilly might need me to get an autograph!
MCGRATH
‘Smash it Up’, ‘Headstraps’, ‘Sherlock Holmes in Space’? This guy’s a legit nerd, no wonder he tried to take over the world.
SKIP
And he’s just announced his most ambitious game to date--
(SFX - SLIDE)
Battle for Val Verde, a hyper realistic turn based war simulation.
BOWDEN
Well. At least he doesn’t hold a grudge.
SKIP
What makes ‘Battle for Val Verde’ unique is that Semyonov has no plans to market it. He developed it to help him play through his emotional wounds.
MCGRATH
Game therapy. Very common in the hacking community, too, for getting over ones failures. Or, you know... so I’ve heard.
BOWDEN
So we’ve got a disgraced general and his Board Game empire...excellent premise for prestige cable, but where do we come in?
SKIP
Sergebia is one of the most secretive nations on Earth. But ‘Battle for Val Verde’ is rumored to accurately depict its army’s size and strength, including details about--
(SFX - SLIDE)
-- the Lynx 382 Battle Tank, the Sergebian army’s pride and joy. Our allies in the region would do anything to get their hands on such intelligence. Our mission is to get up close and personal with ‘Battle for Val Verde’ and smuggle home its secrets.
GLORIA
And just how are we supposed to get our hands on it?
SKIP
(SFX - CLICK)
By getting our feet onto this.
GLORIA
That’s Semyonov’s yacht?
BOWDEN
Sweet Steve Wynn, it looks like someone made the Encore Las Vegas seaworthy!
SKIP
This is the Smaragd Des Meeres, or SDM in elite circles. She’s 175 meters long, worth 657 million dollars, and as we speak, is docking in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, where Semyonov has invited some of the world’s top gamers to a daylong session to play test ‘Battle for Val Verde’. It will likely be the only time anyone else will ever see it. Further complicating matters, the SDM’s security measures are renowned worldwide. Any personal comms off the boat will be jammed, any voice channel on the boat will be monitored.
GLORIA
So my question stands; how do we smuggle out all that information?
SKIP
With the unintentional assistance of these three people.
(SFX - SLIDE)
Casey O’Reardon, editor in chief at Blarney Stone Games and inventor of Whydle, a Wordle clone bought by the New York Post for an undisclosed amount....
(SFX - SLIDE)
Siobhan Murphy, the world record holder for points acquired in a single tournament game of ‘Train Ticket Bonanza’...
(SFX - SLIDE)
And Gordon Grimsby, AKA ‘The Warlock of Wargames’, the world’s preeminent turn-based strategy player. These are the three people Semyonov has invited to play test ‘Battle for Val Verde’. And since he’s lived the past several years at sea, he’s never actually met any of them in person.
BOWDEN
Not unlike an M Night Shyamalan trailer, I think I see where this is going...
SFX - MISSION PREP MUSIC
SKIP
With McGrath’s help, we intercepted the electronic invitations that Semyonov sent for this event.
MCGRATH
Use Evite in ‘23, and get what you deserve.
SKIP
While they remain blissfully unaware at home, a disguised Bowden will attend Semyonov’s play test as Casey O’Reardon...
BOWDEN
Top o’ the mornin to you, lassie!
SKIP
... a disguised Gloria as Siobhan...
GLORIA
(bad Irish accent)
Um... Guinness! Tax havens! Dropkick Murphys!
SKIP
Relax: Siobhan is Irish American from Downers Grove.
GLORIA
Oh, thank God.
SKIP
And myself in disguise as Grimsby. Meanwhile, McGrath will infiltrate the lower decks of the SDM and hack the communications network.
MCGRATH
So I’m on my own for this mission? Alone? Solo? Unchaperoned?
SKIP
Indeed.
MCGRATH
Sounds perfect.
SKIP
Gloria, Bowden, try these on.
GLORIA
Oooh, are these new Warby Parkers?
SKIP
Even better; new Studebakers-Wiles’s! These glasses contain a miniature recording device and antenna.
BOWDEN
I thought you said communications off the boat would be jammed.
SKIP
Which is why we’re going to broadcast on the boat! While we play test ‘Battle for Val Verde’, our glasses will transmit the game data to McGrath, who will use the boat’s communications to relay the data to EMF headquarters. Semyonov will never even know the data has been compromised!
SFX - END MISSION PREP MUSIC. DOOR OPENS
SKIP
Section Chief, are you OK?
GLORIA
You look shell-shocked!
ZELDA
I’m fine... briefing finished?
SKIP
Yes, but you really do look--
ZELDA
McGrath, I just wanted to apologize. Your analysis was spot on. I Googled ‘penetration testing’ and, indeed, the first result confirmed everything you mentioned.
MCGRATH
Is that why you look so stunned?
ZELDA
No... that’s because I also clicked the second result for ‘penetration testing’, and... really, really shouldn’t have.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO THE SOUNDS OF BALTIMORE HARBOR. SKIP, BOWDEN, GLORIA WALKING.
SKIP
Good morning, Baltimore!
BOWDEN
(singing)
Every day’s like an--
GLORIA
Bo. Undercover time.
BOWDEN
Sorry. Those Shaiman tunes burrow deep into your subconscious.
SKIP
There she is, the SDM...
BOWDEN
Either that or somebody dropped a Disney resort in the water.
SKIP
Gamefaces on. The man we’re about to face has a worldwide reputation for relentless, ruthless
remorselessness!
SFX - BULKHEAD DOOR OPENS, SEMYONOV APPROACHES
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Oh! Let me look at you! You came all this distance, I cannot believe it or help to be tickled on my funny bone which is not really a bone? Did you know that?
GLORIA
(soft)
This feels neither ruthless nor remorseless.
BOWDEN
(soft)
Though it could easily become relentless.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
I’m am your host, Sarkis Semyonov! But you can call me Sarkis or General or Mister Semyonov or Mister General, no not that last one, that’s weird, but otherwise whichever you prefer! Come on board, please, with the luggage and the--oh, what is this?!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
A bottle o’ West Cork Eight Year single malt fer ye, old man! A gift from the Emerald Isle!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Oh, Mister Casey O’Reardon, touched I am beyond what you can even know! But I no longer drink. These years spent at sea have been devoted to the improving of the self and the findings of joy in the tiny things like flowers and birds and horse jockeys! But no worries, my personal assistant Helmut will be more than appreciative! HELMUT! CHOP CHOP!
SFX - BIG LUMBERING FOOTSTEPS IN SQUEAKY CLOWN SHOES
HELMUT
(GRUNTS)
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
That is one super-sized personal assistant.
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Ye musta been the tallest in y’ar grade, laddie!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Helmut has been my loyal attache, and man that is my hand on the right since he joined the Sergebian military after flunking from Remington Clown College. A good clown he might have been, seeing as how he is also mute. But alas, the day they taught the car, no one else could fit.
HELMUT
(SAD GRUNT)
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
But enough oldie times and bridge water! Helmut will take your things...
(HELMUT GRUNTS)
-- and we will get to the gritty of the nitty--BATTLE FOR VAL VERDE!
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE LOWER DECKS, TWO CREWMEN WALK PAST
CREWMAN 1
Hey, after we check on the motors, you want to play some cards?
CREWMAN 2
Nah, can’t play cards on a yacht.
CREWMAN 1
Why not?
CREWMAN 2
The captain’s standing on the deck!
SFX - THEY LAUGH AS THEY WALK ON, TURN THE CORNER AND CLOSE A DOOR. WE HEAR A VENT GRATE OPEN AND SOMEONE HOP DOWN
MCGRATH
Well. At least I know I can distract this crew with a Fozzie Bear joke book. Okay, map says the communications room is this way.
SFX - FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
MCGRATH
(soft)
On a 175 meter boat, can’t the crew spread out! Wait; locker! Good!
SFX - MCGRATH HIDES IN A LOCKER, CREWMEN 3 AND 4 PASS
CREWMAN 3
Did you lower the gangplank for the fourth guest, like Helmut asked?
CREWMAN 4
I do everything Helmut asks the second he asks it, ever since that ‘charcuterie’ incident.
CREWMAN 3
Oh man. Is that poor bastard still in the hospital?
CREWMAN 4
Day 42. They were able to save his ear. And they found a nice frame for it, too...
SFX - THEY’RE GONE. LOCKER OPENS.
MCGRATH
Whoa whoa whoa--fourth guest?
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE MAIN GAMING SALON
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Are you ready to feast your gaze upon my laborious apples?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Um, Sarkis, we may have a relationship through the gaming community but we really have only just met and I don't think I'm ready to feast my gaze upon...
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
(getting it)
OH! Fruits of your labor! Might that be what you mean, General?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Yes! Of course! The labors of my fruits, that is my meaning! Side effect of living on a yacht, you see, my languages foreign are not what they be could.
NICOLE NORMANDY
Nonsense, Sarkis, you’re improving!
SFX - SKIP, BOWDEN, GLORIA GASP
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
SURPRISE! Casey, Siobhan, Gordon, say hello to another luminary of the gaming industry! Nicole Normandy, world ‘Go’ champion and owner of history’s highest Scrabble score.
NICOLE NORMANDY
Thank you, Sarkis, and I reiterate that ‘primo’ is not a word.
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
(thrown)
Sarkis, I’m surprised, as there were only the three of us on your evite--
NICOLE NORMANDY
I haven’t owned a computer or a smartphone since the Commodore 64 went out of fashion. Sarkis called me personally. It’s so nice to finally meet you all face to face!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
OH THANK GOD!
(beat, then starting to slightly ‘Sam the Eagle’)
I mean, good! Thank good! And I’m glad you are also well, new friend!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Now. All the greetings and hi ho’s aside, let’s play. HELMUT! THE BOARD!
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE COMMS ROOM, LOTS OF ELECTRONICS AND BEEPS AND BOOPINGS, DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
So. You’re a top flight maritime communications security array, huh? You don’t look so tough, bub.
(SFX - TYPING)
Heh. This is state of the art? Maybe if the art is finger paints. Solo McGrath is flying high, I’ll be into this thing in--
(SFX - ERROR SOUND)
That’s not what I expected. Maybe--
(SFX - ERROR SOUND)
OK. How about--
(SFX - ERROR SOUND)
All right, maybe there’s a little more to this than finger paints... that’s OK, I can try and bypass--
(SFX - ERROR SOUND)
AT LEAST BUY ME DINNER FIRST DAMMIT! OK, I was way wrong, literally every function on this yacht is entrenched behind this maddeningly recursive, insanely creative... ok, hold on, here it is; wait, the programming interface is a fricking chatbot?! What lunatic would code this way...
SFX - THE COMPUTER BEEPS, THEN PLAYS A RECORDING
ATHENA CHATBOT
Welcome to the QA2 custom security module!
MCGRATH
No...
ATHENA CHATBOT
I’m Athena O’Brien, QA2’s designer and your one stop shopping source for maritime communications security. Para Espanol, di nueve.
MCGRATH
No. No no no no no ARE YOU FU--
ATHENA CHATBOT
Command not understood.
MCGRATH
THEN LET ME EXPLAIN IT, YOU BITCH!
ATHENA CHATBOT
To access command routines, speak the core password. It’s only my deepest, darkest secret,
MCGRATH
Oh.
ATHENA CHATBOT
...and should be on the top of the tongue of anyone who knows me well.
MCGRATH
OK. Could be a couple of--
ATHENA CHATBOT
But remember, this isn’t Facebook. No re-do’s or resets. Speak my password or forever hold your peace.
MCGRATH
(beat, then sings softly)
Solo McGrath, flying hiiiiigh...
MUSIC: TRANSITION TO THE GAMING SALON
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
(a little stiff)
That is quite a game board.
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Sarkis, I dinna expect the game to be in 1:1 scale.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Well, as the great philosopher Sir Mix A Lot was fond to say--I like big boards and I cannot lie! Ha! You get? Is not what he said really but is close, in a way--
NICOLE NORMANDY
Sarkis, in all seriousness, this board is massive!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
It is a game where one side invades a country that exists, by it’s very nature it’s going to bigger than the box of bread, yes?
(SFX - HELMUT FINISHES PUTTING THE BOARD DOWN)
Perfect Helmut, extra biscuits and Frankenberries for you today!
HELMUT
(Happy grunt)
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
(Carrying something heavy)
Here... are... everyone’s... rule books!
SFX - EVERYONE BEGINS FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES
NICOLE NORMANDY
Very clever, Sarkis! A six year old child could understand these rules!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
I couldn’t agree more!
(soft)
Someone get me a six year old child, I can’t make heads or tails of these!
GLORIA
(soft)
Groucho jokes, at a time like this?!
BOWDEN
(soft)
I defer to the classics under stress!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Let’s get the rolling ball moving! Our game board is thirty feet by thirty feet, enough to give us geographic coverage of that insignificant, pipsqueak, fly on the sweaty neck of the world that is Val Verde... not that I’m not over it, I hold no ill will...
ALL THE OTHERS
(ad libs like...)
Of course not/Clearly/You’re all the way over it/very well adjusted--
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
One of you will play as defenders of that smelly, pustulent scab of a nation--no hard feelings--working to repel the assaults of the noble and very handsome soldiers of Sergebia, not that it matters, their attractiveness, but is true nonetheless. Nicole, your reputation as a defensive gamer is far and wide preceding you by going ahead of you, so you will defend Val Verde!
NICOLE NORMANDY
It will be my honor!
HELMUT
(grunts disapprovingly)
NICOLE NORMANDY
Err... my reluctant duty!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Gordon, Connor, Siobhan, you will work together as the three pillars of Sergebian might to conquer pathetic, verminous Val Verde, not--
ALL THE OTHERS
THAT YOU HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THEM, GOT IT.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
One of you will lead our land forces, another the sea, and the third the air! And here are your game pieces!
SFX - TILES, CARD, DICE, ETC. BEING HANDED OUT
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Familiarize with everything yourselves, and let’s ON THE GAME GET!
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE COMMS ROOM. TYPING
ATHENA CHATBOT
To access command routines, speak the core password--
MCGRATH
(soft)
Yeah, not quite yet...
ATHENA CHATBOT
It’s only my deepest, darkest secret--
MCGRATH
(soft)
OK. I can’t do much from here, but that hack should at least bypass the ‘one try only’ rule.
(louder)
The password is ‘Kristatos’.
SFX - ERROR NOISE
MCGRATH
Don’t shut down don’t shut down--
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect. QA2 signing--
(SFX - COMPUTER WHIRS, A FEW TECHNICAL SOUNDING FX AND THEN--)
To access command routines, speak the core password--
MCGRATH
(soft)
Yes! I bypassed it! And now--
ATHENA CHATBOT
It’s only my deepest, darkest secret and should be on the top of the tongue of anyone who knows me well.
MCGRATH
(soft)
Now I get to hear her voice over and over until I get it right...The password is ‘Big stinky lying liar person’.
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect--
(SFX - COMPUTER WHIRS)
To access command routines, speak the core password--
MCGRATH
(soft)
Worth a shot. All right. Let’s play everyone’s least favorite game show, ‘how well do I know Athena’.
SFX - TRANSITION TO THE GAME SALON
BOWDEN
(soft)
I was much more placid about being a fake master board gamer when I didn’t have to play against a non-fake master board gamer.
GLORIA
(soft)
Right!? This mission just got, like, ‘Gloomhaven’ complicated!
SKIP
(soft)
No need to panic. This is a friendly playtest. Nicole likely won’t treat it like a tournament--
NICOLE NORMANDY
Oh Gordon?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Hm?! Ah, er, yes! Yes, Nicole?
NICOLE NORMANDY
Finish familiarizing yourself with the rules, have you?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Only just! I love the complexity of the combat resolution, and the introduction of the chance roll really spices things up!
NICOLE NORMANDY
Yes, it reminds me a little title called ‘Pacifism: the Game’, from a few years ago, remember that one?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
‘Pacifism: the Game’? I... can’t rightly say I’m familiar with that title, and I do consider myself a connoisseur...
NICOLE NORMANDY
It was a simulation I spent years developing to depict the horrors of trench warfare, a way to really make the player feel the inhumanity of war... and then your company released ‘Trenches of Fire: 1917’ one week ahead of us, with almost the exact same rulebook, glorifying the terrors of World War 1 and selling five million copies!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Ah... so... you never released--
NICOLE NORMANDY
And stand accused of ripping off the great Gordon Grimsby!? You cost me millions of dollars and my life’s work as an avowed pacifist! Which is why today I’m going to bring my tournament level A game and humiliate you in front of Sarkis and your peers. I’ve memorized these rules, and you... Are. Going. Down.
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Is it too late to say I'm sorry?
NICOLE NORMANDY
DOWN! YOU! GOING!
SFX - STORMS OFF
BOWDEN
(soft)
So.. panic now?
SKIP
(soft)
It’ll still be fine: our only goal is to see and record the Sergebian military pieces. It doesn’t matter if we win, just that we --wait, are these all our units?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
All righty dighty do, it’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights...
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
Err, Sarkis? Quick question. Are these really all the pieces the Sergebian side gets?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Ah ah ah, someone only skimmed the rule book--
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Here, Start of Game. The players representing the handsome and virile defenders of the Republic of Sergebia begin with a token force. Only by surviving waves of resistance will the high command allow more valuable units onto the board.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
So everything depends on how you play. You want to more pieces, first you win some! Fun, yes?
SKIP
(soft)
OK, now we can panic.
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE COMMS ROOM
MCGRATH
How about MOM VENGEANCE!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
MCGRATH
Operation Hestia!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
MCGRATH
DEATH TO JJ PRESCOTT!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
MCGRATH
BICURIOUS!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect... mostly.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO GAME SALON
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
And, KABOOM! You’re out! I’ve never seen anyone farther from winning a game!
NICOLE NORMANDY
Ha! The peaceful, pacifist, sovereign nation of Val Verde takes down another Sergebian aggressor!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
Casey, where was my air support?
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
I was coverin’ ye as best I could until I noticed a huge gap in Val Verden defenses!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
That was no gap, it was a trap! Nicole had two surface to air missiles planted to take you down!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
I know that now, why didn’t ye warn me!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
It wasn’t communication phase! Here! Page 179...
(SFX - PAGES FLIPPING)
Sergebian military units may only exchange intelligence once the effects of all combat rounds have been resolved!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
And meanwhile you left my only two tanks open to a full on assault by bazooka troopers!
NICOLE NORMANDY
I must admit, I expected more from a team of O’Reardon, Grimsby, and Murphy. What have I won now, Sarkis?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Five combat turns in a row, it is bringing back the memories that are not of the good kind...
NICOLE NORMANDY
Would you like to stop?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Or, perhaps, grant games master privilege and open up all units to the Sergebian military--
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
NO, I WILL NOT STOP. My therapist says this is the thing sort of needed by me for the... the self actualizations or something. And Gordon; these are the rules the Sergebian high command made me abide by, so you will now abide!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
Sarkis, I must ask... why would the Sergebian high command--
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Not just give me the tools I needed to win? BECAUSE THEY WERE A COWERING ROOM OF SPINELESS COWARDS TOO WORRIED ABOUT EMBARRASSMENT ON THE WORLD STAGE IF THE LYNX 382 TANK DIDN’T WORK! SNIVELING INVERTEBRATES WHO DOOMED ME TO HUMILIATION, ALL OF THEM! All right, a break of five! And when we reconvene, I can’t wait to see how Sergebia attacks, the curiosity and my cats, one of them is killing the other.
NICOLE NORMANDY
I’m off to power my nose between ass-whoopings. Oops. I mean ‘rounds’. VAL VERDE FOREVER!
HELMUT
(Grunts)
NICOLE NORMANDY
Oh pipe down, Ronald McDidn’t.
SFX - SHE LEAVES
SKIP
(soft)
Time to reassess. We need to unlock those advanced Sergebian pieces, and our poor play is starting to arouse suspicion.
GLORIA
(soft)
Well if you could take your nose out of the rulebook long enough to provide offshore missile cover-
SKIP
(soft)
The rules are very explicit about ranged sea-based weapons when the fog roll is above ten!
BOWDEN
(soft)
We’re not here to stick to the rules, Skip, we need those pieces!
GLORIA
(soft)
It’d help if you didn’t dart off at every fake vulnerability like a hotheaded Hollywood hero!
BOWDEN
(soft)
They’d made me an offer I couldn’t refuse! And in all the excitement, I couldn’t remember if I’d fired six shots or only five--
SKIP
(soft)
This won’t get us anywhere! For this next round, let’s all agree: Bowden, be a little more risk-averse. Gloria, consider the weather when staying within range of my missiles. And I’ll focus on the game, not the rulebook. Deal?
BOWDEN/GLORIA
Deal.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION/TIME CUT
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
NO NO NO it’s right here on page 623! Tank movements must be initiated before infantry movements!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
BUT I DIDN’T MOVE MY INFANTRY!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
BECAUSE YOU CHOSE NOT TO DURING THE INITIATIVE ROUND!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Hold on guys, there’s a huge opening in the Val Verden defenses after her last positioning role, and I feel THE NEED--FOR SPEED!
SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE COMMS ROOM.
MCGRATH
(fading)
Potatoes?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
MCGRATH
Capelet?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
MCGRATH
Brunei Sweden Throuple?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect.
SFX - FROM HERE MCGRATH GETS A SECOND WIND DRIVEN BY FRUSTRATION AND FATIGUE, PLOWING OVER THE CHATBOT’S RESPONSES
MCGRATH
BI AND PROUD! (Incorrect). ALLITERATION! (Incorrect). SOFTLIPS! (Incorrect). LIAR BACKSTABBER PHONY TRAITOR CHEATER --HEARTBREAKER! DREAMMAKER LOVETAKER DON’T YOU MESS AROUND WITH--
ATHENA CHATBOT
Incorrect. To access command routines, speak the core password. It’s only my deepest, darkest secret--
MCGRATH
(catches her breath)
I don’t know you at all, do I? I know your file, your headlines. Your greatest hits. Everything you put out there. Everything you let the world see. But what’s inside? I don’t know.
(a beat)
No one does, and you just lord it over us, laughing your...Hold the damn phone.
ATHENA CHATBOT
To access command routines, speak the core password. It’s only my deepest, darkest secret--
MCGRATH
‘The Core Password’.
SFX - AN AFFIRMIATIVE DING FROM THE COMPUTER
ATHENA CHATBOT
Thank you for correctly identifying the QA2K’s master password.
MCGRATH
A joke. That’s your secret. It’s all a joke to you.
ATHENA CHATBOT
What can I do for you today?
MCGRATH
Oh, quite a lot. First, display all communications subroutines.
ATHENA CHATBOT
Done.
MCGRATH
And second...display your source code.
SFX - TRANSITION TO GAME SALON
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
That round could have gone better.
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
At least you sated your need for speed!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
I saw the opening, I took it, no matter--
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
No matter the rules or the plan!
NICOLE NORMANDY
Sarkis, this game is very fun for the Val Verde defender, are you certain you don’t want to market it?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
This is the disaster of the highest order! What is wrong, Team Sergebia? You are not playing like the smartiest of the pantses--
NICOLE NORMANDY
Maybe they’re just NOT THAT GOOD!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
(Sam the Eagle)
We agree, we are playing suboptimally, and need to discuss--
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
What he’s saying is give us a minute!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
One more round, Sarkis, can ya give us that much?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
I mean, I’ve got this primo dock spot till the morning, so--
NICOLE NORMANDY
IT’S NOT A WORD!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Thank you, we’re just going to utilize this break out room over here.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
It’s a closet but you do the you!
SFX - THE TEAM HUDDLES IN A CLOSET
SKIP
OK. After sixteen rounds, we haven’t once eliminated even a single Val Verden defender.
GLORIA
That’s because the game mechanics are impossible! It’s almost as if... wait, that’s it! Sarkis never defeated the Val Verdens, and this game is based on his experiences...
BOWDEN
I see what you mean, the rules are based on his philosophies...
GLORIA
If his philosophies couldn’t defeat Val Verde, how can anyone using these game mechanics?!
BOWDEN
So what we need... is to sidestep the rules.
SKIP
I can’t believe I’m saying this but go on.
BOWDEN
Obviously we have to stick to them in spirit, but there’s got to be a way, some dumb, shouldn’t in a million years work way to breach Val Verde’s defenses. Something Monty Python-esque in its absurdity that no one sees coming--
GLORIA
(soft)
Bo. You’re a genius.
BOWDEN
(soft)
Really? Because when Variety said that about my turn in “RIPD 3: Right to Remain Violent”, I’m pretty sure they were joking...
SFX - SHE THROWS THE DOORS OPEN
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
Sarkis? Ready for one more go?!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
We have all the time in the world, just like they sing and say in the sad 007 movie, did you like that one? The ending, oh!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Reset the pieces, please.
NICOLE NORMANDY
Ready for another lesson in real game theory?
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
We are, and this time... I think we’ve got an answer.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
OK, the game board she is set, your first move?
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
We pass.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Pass? It is my very own game and I don’t know if this passing or not is a thing...
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Nowhere in the rule book does it say it isn’t.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
And your nose in that book has been stuck all day, your word I take... no movement then?
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
We’re as frozen as an Oscars audience when Chris Rock comes onstage.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
OK, no move. Val Verde.
NICOLE NORMANDY
We’ll send scout units forward.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
That’s it?
NICOLE NORMANDY
That’s it.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
I guess this round is gonna go like the films by the Robert Eggers all slooooooooooooooow like, but OK...
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION/TIME LAPSE
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Round twenty two. Sergebia?
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
We pass.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Val Verde?
NICOLE NORMANDY
Scout.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
This game is like the molasses dripping onto the snail who is on the treadmill that is broken...
NICOLE NORMANDY
Scout units move towards Sergebia’s lead tank.
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
And that tank unit surrenders.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Surrender? Are you playing as Sergebia or France?
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Just wheel us through Val Verde’s city gates there, smart feller, and pray you never meet the grandkid of a French resistance fighter!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
All right, all right, fine, at least a thing is happening now... we take your tank into the city...
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
And behold!
SFX - CARDS FLIPPING OVER
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
We move out all the elite Sergebian commando units that were hiding in that tank and flank Val Verde’s gun nests!
NICOLE NORMANDY
WHAT WHAT WHAT?! Roll to reorient--
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
You’ll never have the time, the commandos have a faster foot speed.
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
You, you, you... you Trojan Horsed Val Verde!
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
Trojan Rabbited ‘em to be precise!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
A Python level absurd solution!
GLORIA AND SKIP
Run away! Run away!
NICOLE NORMANDY
Is this a legal move, Sarkis?!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Perfectly legal as far as I can recall, Gordon, you the rules know as well as I do now--
SKIP AS GRIMSBY
I see nothing against it!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
You did it, you succeeded where I failed! You pierced Val Verde’s defenses!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Well, what can I say, we Irish are a creative lot!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
And Irish Americans count in that number! Now hand over those special military pieces so we can wrap this campaign up!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE COMMS ROOM
MCGRATH
All right, good job guys! Skip’s got those Lynx 382 tank details... man that’s a fast tank!
SFX - A LOUD SERIES OF BEEPS AND BLIPS - THE COMMUNICATIONS SYSTEM IS ENGAGING
MCGRATH
Uhhh... chatbot, did I touch anything on the ship’s communications array?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Negative. An activation order is coming from elsewhere onboard.
MCGRATH
They’re enabling every piece of cryptography in the comms array... where’s this order coming from?
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE GAME SALON
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
THE VAL VERDIAN CAPITAL FALLS! Casey, Siobhan, Gordon, I cannot thank you enough!
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
Oh dinna even mention it, laddie! Testing games is what I--
NICOLE NORMANDY
Excuse me, what am I, chopped liver? I gave you all the Val Verde testing data you could want--
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Yes, and that a great deal helped today, Nicole. You see, I needed you, a defensive expert to the gusto give on the side of the skeevy evil little country, not that I have anything--
ALL THE OTHERS
OH YES YOU DO!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
OK FINE. But what I most of all wanted was to see three games masters strategize this attack!
SFX - MACHINE WHIRRING, LOTS OF GASPS OF SURPRISE
BOWDEN AS O’REARDON
WHOA! The walls are pulling back!
GLORIA AS SIOBHAN
The whole backwall is a giant projection screen!
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Indeed! Say hello to my dear old friends at the Sergebian Military High Command!
SERGEBIAN GENERAL (OVER COMMS)
Sarkis?! Is that you? What is the meaning of hacking our secure communications channel?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
The purpose? REDEMPTION!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO COMMS ROOM
MCGRATH
Give me video on the gaming salon--
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV (OVER COMMS)
When I told you all I was designing a game about my campaign in Val Verde, you laughed! Remember?!
MCGRATH
Chatbot, is that video feed from Sergebia?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Gold star! You must have been top in your class!
MCGRATH
Don’t start. It’s been a whole thing with you today.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
But I swore I would the last laugh have, and this--HAHAHAHA--IS ME HAVING IT! HAHAHAHAH! OK, THAT LAUGHING WAS ACTUALLY LAST, but my point is made! I have used the medium of tabletop board gaming to our nation’s advantage! In this last round, Sergebia not only took Val Verde’s defensive positions in a matter of minutes, they convinced high command to release the Lynx 382, after which total victory was achieved in 45 turns! And in precisely one minute, as soon as our nation’s secret spy satellite has a geosynchronous lock over this yacht, I will send you all battle plans with which you can commence the SECOND BATTLE FOR VAL VERDE!
SKIP/BOWDEN/GLORIA
What?
NICOLE NORMANDY
Sarkis, have you been using us to plot the overthrow of a sovereign nation!?
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
Why say it that way, all Machiavellian like?
SERGEBIAN GENERAL (OVER COMMS)
If what you say is true, it will be a glorious day for us!
NICOLE NORMANDY
THIS IS NOT WHAT I AGREED TO! I’M A PACIFIST!
SFX - SHE STARTS BEATING HIM UP
GENERAL SARKIS SEMYONOV
HEY! OW! FOR A PACIFIST YOU FIGHT WITH A LOT OF FINGERNAILS--
SKIP
They’re distracted, run away!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION TO THE COMMS ROOM
SKIP
McGrath, have you been--
MCGRATH
Watching us unknowingly unlock the key to regional domination for a bloodthirsty general and his warring horde of tank soldiers?
BOWDEN
It feels even worse when you say it out loud...
MCGRATH
Chatbot, shut down all comms.
ATHENA CHATBOT
Shutting down comms.
GLORIA
Is that Athena’s voice?
MCGRATH
Is it? Hadn’t noticed.
ATHENA CHATBOT
Comms system shut down.
SKIP
Oh thank goodness.
ATHENA CHATBOT
This has triggered the satellite’s override measures. It’s locking on to our antennae, and I cannot terminate this lock locally. Good job, genius!
GLORIA
Yep, it’s Athena.
MCGRATH
We’re toast.
SKIP
That’s not the spirit! Come on now! Why is there an endgame round in Train Ticket Bonanza! BECAUSE THE GAME’S NOT OVER TILL IT’S OVER! There must be something we can do!
BOWDEN
But what?! Once that satellite gets its geosynchronous lock--
SKIP
Bowden that’s it! You’re a genius!
BOWDEN
AGAIN? What did I say now!
SKIP
McGrath, does this chatbot only control communications?
ATHENA CHATBOT
This user has unlocked root access. I can link to all ship systems.
SKIP
Can you reroute helm to this console while firing up the ship’s engines?
ATHENA CHATBOT
If SHE asks.
MCGRATH
Just bury me... fine! Reroute helm and start the engines!
SFX - ENGINES REVVING, KEEP REVVING HIGHER DURING THE FOLLOWING SKIP
SKIP
A satellite can’t lock geosynchronously onto a moving target!
GLORIA
Can you steer this thing?!
SKIP
Just in case, I spent the whole drive down studying megayacht navigation!
BOWDEN
I'm gonna be seasick.
MCGRATH
I don’t want to ask but... where?
SKIP
You’d never believe what you can find on YouTube these days!
BOWDEN
We’re dead.
ATHENA CHATBOT
The satellite is locking on...
SKIP
Engines to speed?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Ahem.
MCGRATH
For the love of... engines to speed?
ATHENA CHATBOT
Aye aye!
SFX - THE ENGINES ROAR AS SKIP GUIDES THE MEGAYACHT OUT TO SEA. BANGING ON THE DOORS! GRUNTS!
BOWDEN
Giant former clown, six o’clock!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Heading: directly at the National Aquarium.
SFX - WHOOSH OF WAVES
SKIP
We missed the aquarium!
ATHENA
Heading: the Historic Ships Exhibit.
SFX - THE SHIP DOES A QUICK TURN AS THE DOOR SMASHES IN. HELMUT’S GRUNTS
BOWDEN
He’s in!
GLORIA
Look out, Helmut’s got us!
NICOLE NORMANDY
Enough clowning around!
SFX - NICOLE TASES HELMUT, AND DOWN HE GOES
BOWDEN
Nice zinger, Nicole!
GLORIA
And nice taser!
NICOLE NORMANDY
I’m a woman in an unfamiliar city, I swiped the Amex and I’ll check the bill later. Sarkis betrayed us all, so how can I help?
SKIP
Right now, by holding on!
ATHENA CHATBOT
Satellite approaching new lock position.
SKIP
Up ahead, that’s Fort McHenry, isn’t it?
BOWDEN
It is, where the Star Spangled Banner was written! I remember from my research when I auditioned for--
ALL BUT BOWDEN
NOT NOW!
SKIP
NEW PLAN!
GLORIA
Skip, you’re heading right for it! At this speed we’ll run aground, destroying the boat and a major historic monument!
SKIP
Fear not! The last piece of this plan just fell into place!
COAST GUARD OFFICER (ON A BULLHORN)
Attention yacht!
GLORIA
What?
COAST GUARD OFFICER (ON BULLHORN)
This is the US Coast Guard. Halt at once! You are threatening Fort McHenry!
MCGRATH
Skip, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please don’t destroy the Star Spangled Banner place!
SKIP
While the song’s lesser known subsequent verses are highly problematic, I’ve no intention of doing so!
COAST GUARD OFFICER (ON A BULLHORN)
BRING THE BOAT TO A HALT!
SKIP
Wait for it...
COAST GUARD OFFICER (ON A BULLHORN)
GIANT MEGAYACHT, YOU ARE SURROUNDED AND YOUR COMMUNICATIONS ARE BEING JAMMED!
SKIP
There it is!
COAST GUARD OFFICER (ON A BULLHORN)
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! HALT!
SFX - THE SHIP COMES TO A HALT, AND EVERYONE CATCHES THEIR BREATH
SKIP
In the event of a suspected terror attack, the Coast Guard will jam all communications of the offending vessel!
MCGRATH
You were confident enough in an operational guideline to risk destroying Fort McHenry?
BOWDEN
You have met him, haven’t you?
GLORIA
The only thing is, with communications fully jammed, we’ll never get the Sergebian army statistics back home.
NICOLE NORMANDY
Wait... who are you people?
SKIP
Miss Normandy... we are members of--of, uh....
GLORIA
--of the War Games Anti-Proliferation Task Force!
NICOLE NORMANDY
The who now?
BOWDEN
That’s right! We’re an organization committed to the suppression of games glorifying combat!
NICOLE NORMANDY
And you were after the Sergebian army’s game statistics in order to advance this cause?
SKIP
Er, yes! Yes we were! Yes, that's the one.
NICOLE NORMANDY
Pen and paper, please?
SKIP
Here you go... why?
NICOLE NORMANDY
(SFX - SHE WRITES)
Because I have a fully photographic memory and was, after all, the one passing you the pieces...
SKIP
Miss Normandy, are these--
NICOLE NORMANDY
Every Sergebian military unit in the game and their statistics, from damage modifiers to fuel economy. After what Sarkis pulled today? I’ll help you folks any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
SKIP
Miss Normany, I can’t thank you enough! Bo and Gloria, would you kindly escort Miss Normandy on deck? I’d like a moment with McGrath.
NICOLE NORMANDY
You know, you all do look a little familiar now that I think on it...
BOWDEN
That said, how familiar are you with early 2000s PBS sitcoms?
SFX - DOOR CLOSES
SKIP
McGrath, I just want you to know, I had no idea Athena built this ship’s security system, and if I had known, I would have never asked you to...
MCGRATH
She didn’t lead the prison break.
SKIP
What was that?
MCGRATH
Skip, I could have spent hours pouring over this security system’s code. Ever line of it is elegant, maddening... pure her.
SKIP
And... that’s... OK?
MCGRATH
Yeah, it is. Because even if it’s not... all that time I spent going over the hack of our comms subnetwork? There is no way it was the same coder’s work. Skip... Athena’s innocent.
MUSIC - END CREDITS
MISISON VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Nicole Normandy
and Bob Killion as General Sarkis and The Admiral
Guest Starring
J. Michael DeAngelis as Davin Ford
and John Dowgin as Helmut
Elon Musk recently changed the banner over his headquarters to say "Titter." With a mind for comedy like that he should have his own podcast. Follow us on the imploding social media platform of your choice @MissionRejected.
This has been a Porch Room Production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
SFX - FOOTSTEPS. COMMS COME ONLINE
CHET PHILLIPS
Mother Goose, this is Grimm. The potato is planted, and I’m about to meet the rest of the farmers.
ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
And how is... the asset holding up?
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
I didn’t know she cared!
CHET PHILLIPS
A little lippy but otherwise fine.
ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
No engaging with him while undercover. You and I need to stay the only ones who know about--
CHET PHILLIPS
Actually-- Agent Carino is aware of my, er... cohabitation arrangement.
ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
(Sigh.) Anyone else aware that I should know about? Davin Ford? Michelle Obama? Mick Fleetwood?
CHET PHILLIPS
Just you two.
ZELDA (OVER COMMS)
Fine. But remember. This mission depends on you keeping your secret locked down. Mother Goose out.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
Ooof. You're in her dog house.
CHET PHILLIPS
Relax. It’s not like I’m going to randomly run into Quinn in Dark EMF HQ.
SFX - CLICK. A DOOR OPENS.
QUINN
Well, well, well.
CHET PHILLIPS
Qui... Quinn? Imagine... randomly running into you in Dark EMF HQ.
THE ADMIRAL (IN CHET'S HEAD)
HA! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SAID IT WOULDN’T HAPPEN! HAHAHAHAHA....
MUSIC - STINGER