Season Four, Bonus: Twas the Night Before Skipmas
Transcript

MUSIC: CHRISTMAS THEME

SFX: A cozy Christmas fire. Yule logs crackling. Chestnuts roasting.

BOWDEN

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through HQ

Not a creature was stirring, not even a shrew;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

Which Skip had arranged with alphabetical flair;

The agents were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of onion rings danced in their heads;

And Gloria in her 'kerchief,

GLORIA

If you mean my plush velvet sleeping mask from Sack’s, then okay.

BOWDEN

and I in my cap – also from Sack’s, it’s a matching set -

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,

When up on the roof there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to my iPad I flew in snap,

Tore open the cover and threw up the app.

GLORIA

I got us a Ring camera for Christmas.

BOWDEN

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,

MCGRATH

Ha! You said breast.

BOWDEN

McGrath, please! This is literature. (Clears throat)

Then up in the sky – was I dreaming? I wish!

A miniature sub drawn by eight flying fish!

With a little old driver, who dressed like a mackerel,

I knew in a moment he must be The Admiral.

More rapid than dolphina his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

ADMIRAL

"Now, Marlin! now, Mullet! now Pollock and Carp!

On, Catfish! on, Crayfish! on, Grouper and Shark!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now swim away! swim away! swim away all!"

BOWDEN

So up to the rooftop the coursers they flew

With the sleigh full of shrimp, and The Admiral too—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard through the din

The splishing and splashing of each little fin.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney The Admiral came with a bound.

He was dressed all in tentacles, from his head to his toe

And his clothes were all slimy with suckers and roe;

A bundle of shrimp he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a monger just opening his pack.

ADMIRAL

My eyes—how they twinkled! My dimples, how merry!

My cheeks were like roses, my nose like a cherry!

My droll little mouth I drew up in slow motion

And the beard on my chin was as white as the foam on the ocean;

BOWDEN

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his jaw,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a claw;

He had a broad face just like old Jim Belushi;

That looked, when he laughed, like a plate full of sushi.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself

ADMIRAL

Laugh? YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME?

BOWDEN

Can I finish, please?

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know…

ADMIRAL

You have nothing to dread;

(Evil laughter)

BOWDEN

He spoke not a word, but grabbed handfuls of shrimp,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a limp,

And laying his flipper aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sub, to his team gave a whistle,

ADMIRAL

(Whistles)

BOWDEN

And away they all swam like a self-guided missile.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

ADMIRAL

“Become one with the ocean to all, and to all a good night!”

SFX: Applause.

GLORIA

Oh, Bo, that was wonderful! Even if I could have done without your eerie impression of The Admiral.

SKIP

Well, thank you, Bowden, for being the entertainment at this year’s EMF non-denominational holiday party…with a very Christmas-specific poem.

BOWDEN

Oh, I could do more! I have my one-man Story of Kwanza that’ll knock your socks off.

MCGRATH

We’re good on representation. Pat and Zelda made these incredible sufganiyot! (She starts to eat) Wait…there’s not a tracker in these, is there?

ZELDA

Happy hanukkah, McGrath.

ATHENA

Say, McGrath…we’re standing under the mistletoe…

MCGRATH (Mouth Full)

Sorry, mouth occupied.

CHET

You know, I’m standing under the mistletoe too. What do you say, Athena? For old times sake?

ATHENA

Back off or it will be (sings) Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…

CHET

You are so on the naughty list.

SFX: Door opens. Studebaker in a panic.

STUDEBAKER

Attention, mouseketeers, the sky is falling!

ZELDA

Okay, who gave Studebaker eggnog?

STUDEAKER

Tiny little bits of the sky are raining down! It’s the end! Look, it’s all over my coat!

SKIP

That’s snow! It’s snowing! Oh, come on, everyone, let’s go outside and see!

SFX: Everyone hustles out.

MISSION VOICE

Happy holidays, friends. From the Mission Rejected family to yours. Stay safe. Be happy. We’ll see you soon.

MUSIC: CHRISTMAS END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE

Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. The associate producer is Paige Klaniecki. This episode was adapted and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Bob Killion as The Admiral, Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien, John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice.

Music by Pete Barry. Sound editing and mixing by J. Michael DeAngelis.

Mission Rejected is produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin and Paige Klaniecki. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2023 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission Rejected will return in March.