Season Five, Episode Two: “The World Is Way Too Much - Dead Reckoning - Part Two”
Transcript
INT. TERRY’S OFFICE - DAY
A roaring fire. An audio recording plays.
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
Is it true, Section Chief? Were you feeding Chet information while he worked at the Dark EMF that I brought to you in confidence?
ZELDA (ON RECORDING)
Skip, there were tactical reasons -
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
Were there tactical reasons for keeping me out of the loop regarding Gloria’s promotion?
(silence)
Are you listening to me, Section Chief? Are you very listening?
SFX: KNOCK KNOCK.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Come in!
SFX: Skip enters with Secretary Whitmire. The audio recording continues to play.
SKIP
Good morning sir! I’ve brought Secretary of Defense Whitmire for our biweekly debrief!
WHITMIRE
Hello Terry. Are you...eh, what are you listening to?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Oh nothing. Just the recording of Section Chief Granger’s falling out with his previous employer.
SKIP
Oh, uh...
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
What skill set do I bring to the table? What am I good for?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
It’s very satisfying to hear a person find their true place in the universe.
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
- coworkers who lie to each other.
GLORIA (ON RECORDING)
Skip!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
So your attempt to recruit Ms. McGrath didn’t go well, then?
SKIP
Oh - you listened to that, too?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
We’re always listening, Skip.
SFX: Terry switches the recording to:
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
Terry would be lucky to have you.
MACKENZIE (ON RECORDING)
He can’t have me.
SKIP (ON RECORDING)
All you need is someone on your side! I can get your foot in the door! But it’s now or never.
SFX: Terry switches off the player.
SKIP
I thought McGrath shorted out the listening device -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
There’s a chip in the tie I gave you for Christmas.
SKIP
Oh!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
But never mind that. What’s on the docket for today?
SKIP
First of all, Mister Millionaire, there were some positives and negatives from the last mission.
WHITMIRE
Negative: you allowed Athena O’Brien to escape.
SKIP
Positive! Due to North Dakota’s strict abandonment laws, TerryCorps has now acquired Athena’s fully legitimate alpaca wool business!
WHITMIRE
Negative: Chet Phillips has shown his true colors.
SKIP
Positive: we’ve finally rooted out any resistance within our ranks! Everyone remaining at the New EMF is fully onboard! Like me!
WHITMIRE
Negative: we still haven’t tested or used our Genesis device!
SKIP
Positive, sir - we are about to.
WHITMIRE
Really?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You have a plan to use it, Skip?
SKIP
As I’ve stated, I know it has taken several months to incorporate the old EMF filing system into the new automated TerryCorp one.
WHITMIRE
I, eh, still don’t understand the details of why this “knowledge transfer” are so complicated -
SKIP
Meticulous organization is fundamental to success, sir!
WHITMIRE
That’s, eh, what she said...
SKIP
And I can say that the process is complete! The system is now online, according to our science team.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You mean...
SKIP
Genesis has been hooked up to the system. We now have the ability to record and listen in on every conversation across the world whenever there’s a TerryChip! Phones, computers, cars, we can be anywhere and everywhere - in a legally recognized and purely defensive capacity.
WHITMIRE
And we can, eh, broadcast as well? Create manufactured deep-faked voices and faces, control everything we want targets to see and hear?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
As well as replace targets physically with clones when we must interact with the physical world, Eustace.
WHITMIRE
Holy Jonny Quest...well, this is excellent news that we definitely did not know about!
SKIP
I only need your electronic signature for the system to begin operating, Mister Millionaire - right after we test it.
WHITMIRE
...uh, test?
SKIP
I wouldn’t want anything to go wrong once we hook Genesis up to the global network, sir.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
That’s fair, Skip. You run your tests, and if successful, I will authorize the network to expand globally.
SKIP
You won’t regret this, sir!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
How excellent! Now Skip, what is your plan to test Genesis?
SKIP (a little sadly)
Well, sir...I intercepted a call between Mackenzie McGrath and Gloria Kovak.
SFX: He plays a tape.
MACKENZIE (ON TAPE)
I want to hire the Kovak Detective Agency.
GLORIA (ON TAPE)
Really? To do what?
MACKENZIE (ON TAPE)
We’re gonna break into TerryCorps ...and stop Skip Granger.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
My word! A break-in?
SKIP
Yes sir. So I’m afraid, in order to test Genesis, I’m going to have to deploy it...against my old teammates.
MUSIC: THEME TUNE
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents - the backups. Tonight’s episode: The World Is Way Too Much - Dead Reckoning - Part Two.
INT. TERRYCORPS COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT
Skip leads Terry and Whitmire into a bleeping, blooping command room.
SKIP
Lights, please!
STROODEBAKER
On it, boss!
SKIP
I’m glad you’ll be witness to this test, Mister Millionaire, Mister Secretary! You won’t be disappointed!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I’m sure I won’t, Skip.
WHITMIRE
You’re sure they’re coming tonight?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ms. McGrath attempted to hide her electronic communications from us, to no avail.
SKIP
Their plan is to meet outside our headquarters at 2 AM sharp.
WHITMIRE
And you feel no, eh, compunction about employing Genesis against them, Shep? Uh, Skip? Whatever? I could just have them arrested on a conspiracy charge.
SKIP
In truth, sir, I’m hoping that when they see Genesis in action, they may be so impressed that they see the value in joining us! Doctor Stroodebaker, deploy my command console!
SFX: Skip walks off to oversee the deployment of the command console.
WHITMIRE
Ehrm...
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (quietly)
Let Skip have his dreams, Eustace. At least until we see Genesis in action.
WHITMIRE
Heh heh. Sure.
STROODEBAKER
Here we go!
SFX: Terry and Whitmire walk over as displays whir into action.
SKIP
You see, sirs, we have complete control of Genesis, the TerryCorps surveillance apparatus, and my filing server all in one console!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Impressive, Skip.
SKIP
I’ll be able to control this entire operation myself! Just sit back and watch.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
And just in time, it seems. Look at the security footage here.
SKIP
Oh! Good eye, sir.
WHITMIRE
Well lookie here who’s loitering near the front entrance.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Welcome to TerryCorp headquarters, Mackenzie McGrath.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. TERRYCORP BUILDING.
SFX: Night in NYC. A car pulls up to the curb, and the door opens.
MACKENZIE
Nice disguise, Gloria. There had better be a real pizza in that box.
GLORIA
Why are you just standing outside the building in street clothes? TerrySecurity will see you!
MACKENZIE (opening the box)
Oh, you really did bring pizza!
GLORIA
Of course!
MACKENZIE
Nice!
(chowing down)
Oh hi, Bowden!
BOWDEN (OFF)
I don’t know who you’re talking to, stranger! I am a GrubHub delivery driver!
MACKENZIE
Will you knock it off and get over here?
BOWDEN (OFF)
Oh fine.
SFX: He gets out of the car and comes over.
GLORIA
If the four of us are caught on security cameras, the jig is up!
MACKENZIE
Three of us.
GLORIA
Three? What happened to Zelda?
MACKENZIE
Zelda said, and I quote, “I’ll join Elon Musk’s Twitter before I show up for this operation.”
GLORIA
Oh, poop emoji.
CHET
Then it’s a good thing I showed up, after all.
SFX: Chet climbs up through a manhole cover. The gang groans.
BOWDEN
Phillips! Were you waiting for us in the sewers?
CHET
Frankly, it was better than the last five missions that TerryCorps sent me on.
GLORIA
Chet, how many of my cases are you going to butt into before you get the fact that WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE.
CHET
Come on! You want me on this job! You need me on this job!
BOWDEN
I think you just need a job because you got fired for betraying your last employer.
GLORIA
For sending us classified information and getting us mixed up in this in the first place!
CHET
I -
MACKENZIE
Ok, SHUT UP, EVERYONE. Phillips, are you gonna do what we tell you to?
CHET
One hundred percent.
MACKENZIE
Fine, you’re in.
GLORIA
McGrath, why? He’s just out for payback!
MACKENZIE
That makes two of us.
BOWDEN
And I think we need to hear your plan and how you’re going to fit Chet into it.
MACKENZIE
The plan is: there is no plan.
GLORIA
What?!?
BOWDEN
McGrath, the best improvisation still starts with an audience idea.
CHET
Look, I’ve got pages of schematics, we could -
MACKENZIE
NO. We go in, and we do what we do everywhere we go: cause chaos.
GLORIA
To what end?!?
MACKENZIE
To wreck Skip’s filing system.
BOWDEN
Oh, he’ll never forgive us.
MACKENZIE
Am I right, Chet? He said he’s getting his system ready to work with Genesis.
CHET
Yeah, and if he gets that system working, TerryCorps will be able to use Genesis world-wide.
MACKENZIE
Not after we’re done with it.
GLORIA
But Mackenzie, you said yourself, they know everything we -
MACKENZIE
Gloria have you listened to anything I’ve said?!? We have to take Skip down right now.
GLORIA
...okay. You’re in charge.
MACKENZIE
Here, I built some comms, pop em in your ears. Phillips, get us in the door.
SFX: They approach the front door. Dramatic music.
SECURITY GUY
May I help you?
CHET
Chet Phillips here to fill out an exit survey. I have an appointment.
SECURITY GUY
For two-thirty in the morning?
CHET
It’s right there in your log book.
SECURITY GUY
Where?
SFX: Chet SLAMS Security Guy’s face into the log book. He struggles in Chet’s grip.
GLORIA
Got his passkey!
CHET
We need a retinal scan too. Eyes wide open, buddy.
SECURITY GUY (struggling)
You won’t make it far. The TerrySecurity AI will adapt.
MACKENZIE
Let us worry about that, security guy.
SFX: They open the door and start walking quickly across the lobby, dragging Security Guy.
“ROBOT” GUARD
Freeze, humans!
BOWDEN
Robot guards at eleven o’clock!
SFX: Chet and Gloria MANHANDLE two guards and put them down.
MACKENZIE
He built android security guards?
CHET
No, Terry just makes his guards wear these robot bodysuits.
GLORIA
Why isn’t your hostage wearing one?
SECURITY GUY (sad)
I was kicked off the robot guard dance team.
MACKENZIE
Let’s try...the science labs.
CHET
Follow me.
SFX: Chet leads them through a door into a hallway.
BOWDEN
What are we looking for in the science labs?
MACKENZIE
I’ll get on a terminal, find out where they’re keeping the file system servers, maybe find Genesis itself. Plus they’re probably building some kind of robotic ice cream dispenser we can set to overload or something.
GLORIA
But you said Terry will know the minute you try to hack his system!
SFX: BARS DROP IN THEIR WAY!
CHET
Dammit!
GLORIA
Use the keycard!
CHET
They dropped iron bars over the door, I don’t think the keycard’s gonna cut it!
MACKENZIE
Bowden?
BOWDEN (AS SKIP)
Good morning, iron bars! Open up for Section Chief Skip Granger!
COMPUTER
Acknowledged.
SFX” The bars slide up.
BOWDEN
Right this way!
CHET
Science labs are down these stairs -
SFX: They start moving down the stairs...and then KLAXONS BLARE!
GLORIA
They found us!
SFX: Chet RIPS some wires out of the wall and the klaxons stop.
CHET
Maybe they’ll think it was a false alarm.
MACKENZIE
How much time before they figure that out?
CHET (flexing)
How about it?
SECURITY GUY (groaning)
Two minutes.
GLORIA
How much farther?
CHET
We’re there!
SFX: Blaaaap!
CHET
Keycard doesn’t work.
BOWDEN (AS SKIP)
Computer? Open up!
SFX: BLAAP!
SECURITY GUY
They’ve adapted.
GLORIA
Here’s a little trick I learned in Nam!
SFX: She KARATE CHOPS the door down.
BOWDEN
In Nam?
GLORIA
Yeah there’s a cute little mall in Da Nang where the doors are really hard to open.
CHET
Last door.
SFX: Gloria HITS IT HARD. Nothing.
GLORIA
This one’s a little stubborn.
SFX: BLAAP!
CHET
Keycard’s still dead.
BOWDEN (AS SKIP)
Computer? Computer!
SFX: BLAAP!
BOWDEN
No voice print either. What do we...whoa.
SFX: The door OPENS.
CHET
Okay. It just opened.
GLORIA
I don’t like that.
MACKENZIE
...it’s Skip. He knows we’re here.
GLORIA
How do you know that?
BOWDEN
Why would he open the door for us?
CHET
It’s gotta be a trap, right?
MACKENZIE
It doesn’t matter. Quick, everyone into the...
SFX: Papers spill everywhere. Printers churn.
GLORIA
...science lab?
BOWDEN
Where’s all the...science?
CHET
You! Stroodebaker!
BOWDEN
Stroodebaker?!?
CHET
What happened to the labs?
STROODEBAKER
They moved all the equipment to make room for these printers!
BOWDEN
My god, the forms!
GLORIA (ducking a robot arm)
Gah! And robotic filing arms?
STROODEBAKER
He demanded a paper backup system! So much terrible, terrible paperwork!
GLORIA
Genesis is hooked into this machine? Printing every single record?
MACKENZIE
Only one man could have designed a filing system this dystopian.
SFX: The speakers cough to life.
SKIP (ON PA)
Hello everyone!
SFX: Bowden groans.
SKIP (ON PA)
So glad to hear your voices! And I should notify you that vocal recordings of everything you say are now the property of TerryCorp.
MACKENZIE
Screw off, Skip!
GLORIA
What now?
MACKENZIE
Everyone split up! First one to find and destroy Skip’s servers wins a burrito on me!
BOWDEN
Sweet incentive!
SFX: Everyone RUNS. The KLAXON whoops to life again.
SKIP (ON PA)
Attention! Attention! Intruders have entered the base! Gently apprehend them! Thank you!
INT. TERRY'S OFFICE
SFX: Over the surveillance system, we can hear the dull roar of the klaxons.
WHITMIRE
You’re, eh, sure this will result in the capture of your friends, Section Chief?
SKIP
I guarantee it, Mister Secretary! These steel doors right over here lead to our TerryCorp Happy Isolation Booths! McGrath and her team will each be safe and comfortable in one very soon!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I’m taking an awful risk, Granger. This had better work.
SKIP
Isolating their comm systems...
SFX: Skip types furiously. A radio band whines.
SKIP
Engaging Genesis device now!
SFX: He pushes a button. A BEEP, and an engine HUMS to life.
GENESIS VOICE
Manufacturing personality template for Montcrief, Bowden.
SFX: A weird mechanical BOWDEN VOICE swirls into existence.
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE)
...academyawardacquaintencesbalthazarblanchettcommercialdeadlinedune
(settling on a single word)
gloria gloria Gloria Gloria
(crystal clear now)
Gloria?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: Gloria answers the comms while running down a hallway.
GLORIA
Bo? What’s wrong?
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
I’ve fallen into some sort of pit trap! I’ve broken my good tap dancing leg!
GLORIA
Oh no!
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
I also just remembered I have an audition for Snappy the Turtle, the new face of Tide detergent, in fifteen minutes!
GLORIA
Uh...okay...hang on I’m coming...where are you?
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX": On comms, a tiny snippet of a GLORIA DEEP FAKE springs to life.
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
….jeez louise tootsie pop aah!
BOWDEN
Say that again, Gloria, where are you?
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Well I punched my way through a wall and then I drove a forklift through a fire suppression system and then I cheered, you know, girl power! And then I -
BOWDEN
Okay, sweetheart, slow down, Zack Snyder couldn’t follow this plot. Where are you?
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Take the stairs to sublevel 2!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: Chet’s still dragging around Security Guy.
CHET
No, McGrath, that’s the wrong way! If you try that access corridor, you’ll be trapped!
MACKENZIE (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
If only you’d been so astute when you proposed to Athena.
CHET
Huh? Are you still pissed off about that? You know I cut Athena off years ago!
MACKENZIE (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
You should have cut that mustache off years ago.
CHET
What? This is the Donnie Brasco! I grew it for working undercover!
SECURITY GUY
You do look pretty ridiculous.
CHET
You know what?
SFX: He slugs Security Guy out cold.
CHET
Take a nap!
MACKENZIE (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Just meet me at the access door, if you can handle that!
CHET
I’m going!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
GLORIA
Hang in there Bo! I’m almost there! I think!
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
This is exactly what happened in that movie that I starred in with a famous actress some number of years ago!
GLORIA
Huh? Oh, I’m here!
SFX: Opens door.
GLORIA
Wait, where are you?
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
I’m in a pit trap!
GLORIA
What pit trap? I don’t see a pit trap!
SFX: A PIT TRAP opens up under Gloria!
GLORIA
AAAAA A PIT TRAP
SFX: She SLIDES down into an isolation booth!
GLORIA
Ugh! What is this sparsely furnished yet comfortable room?
SFX: She tries the door.
GLORIA
Locked. Dammit! Let me out!
SFX: She POUNDS on the door, to no avail.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
BOWDEN
Gloria I’m on sublevel 2, where are you?
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Straight ahead! I found Genesis!
BOWDEN
Genesis? I’ll be there faster than you can say “Phil Collins”!
GLORIA (Swooning)
Your voice is so sexy!
BOWDEN
That is...undeniably true...wait a minute...Gloria?
SFX: A PIT TRAP OPENS UNDER BOWDEN!
BOWDEN
Oof! Did I just get Peter Cushinged? Gloria where are you? For that matter where am I? HEY!
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: Chet scrambles through the hallways.
MACKENZIE (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Also, you’re dumb.
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Team, what’s happening? I hope Chet isn’t screwing this whole thing up!
BOWDEN (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Working with him again hasn’t exactly been buddy cop movie material.
CHET
Okay okay SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I’m nearing an electrical station. Maybe I can kill the power and cut off the surveillance servers, or at least security.
MACKENZIE (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Sorry my comms went out for a minute and all I heard was “blah blah blah I stan explosions.”
CHET
Ohmigod.
MACKENZIE
“...and my penis.”
CHET
SERIOUSLY WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?
GLORIA (DEEP FAKE ON COMMS)
Stay on target, Phillips, if that’s possible for you!
CHET
I don’t know how you people function with her constantly cracking jokes, your boyfriend’s nonstop spouting his resume, and you criticizing me every time I make a tiny mistake -
SFX: He FALLS DOWN A PIT TRAP.
CHET
...I think I made a tiny mistake.
SFX: QUICK TRANSITION
SFX: In Terry’s office, Skip listens as one security tap is highlighted:
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
Gloria? Bowden? Chet? Where the hell is everybody? Where’d you AAAAAAA
SFX: On the monitor, Skip watches as McGrath slides down into an isolation booth. He cuts the audio.
SKIP
Aaaand there’s the last one. You can see on the monitor, sir, Mackenzie McGrath is in an isolation chamber, as are Gloria Kovak, Bowden Montcrief, and Chet Phillips!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Impressive, Section Chief. Most impressive.
SKIP
And as you can see, Genesis neatly integrates with my new organizational systems! Once we upgrade all of the TerryChips in the world, they’ll be ready to start harvesting and filing data worldwide! Permission to take the Granger filing system global, sir?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Permission granted. Computer?
COMPUTER
Hello, Terry!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Begin TerryChip firmware update. All of them, everywhere.
COMPUTER
Upgrade beginning. Standby.
SKIP
You won’t regret this, Misters Millionaire and Secretary!
WHITMIRE
Very well. I’d like to monitor this global update -
SKIP (getting up from the console)
Uh sir...if I can have your attention for just one more minute...I’ve been thinking about what do with...my friends.
WHITMIRE
Go on.
SKIP
Aside from breaking and entering... and conspiracy...and a little aggravated assault...they haven’t really hurt anything, have they?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
They’ve hurt my feelings.
SKIP
Sure but...none of them want criminal records, even small ones. Perhaps...in exchange for leniency -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You’re going to suggest we recruit them all under threat of prosecution. Much the way the old EMF originally used Ms. McGrath.
SKIP
Essentially...yes.
COMPUTER
Global firmware update complete.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Show me.
SFX: The computer hums.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Yes. Incredible. Your filing systems, Skip, will allow Genesis to mine, analyze, and store more information than any other surveillance system in human history.
SKIP
I mean...yeah, sure!
WHITMIRE
A-mazing! A huge win for the iron fist of democracy!
SKIP
I suppose...if you define democracy as “surveilled citizenry”...
WHITMIRE
Terry, within a week, I want a printed report of every terrorist, mafioso, gang member and shoplifter on earth! Oh, and whip up something about that guy across the street who keeps letting his dog crap on my yard. We’ll generate phone calls from faked friends and loved ones to get them right where we want them, and then POW! Granger’s old team will capture them...if they, eh, know what’s good for ‘em!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Mmm...I think not.
WHITMIRE
What?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Computer? Begin obtaining vital statistics.
SKIP
Sir? What are you -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I’m afraid letting your ex-friends out of their cells would be counter to our company’s interests, Skip.
SKIP
But Mister Millionaire -
WHITMIRE
I’m assuming Genesis is currently measuring anti-American activities across the global population? And the District of Columbia?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I’m thinking more along the lines of their shopping purchases.
WHITMIRE
This is not within your purview!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ah but it is, Eustace. We’re going to harvest personal data from every human being on earth, monitor their lives and spending habits.
WHITMIRE
WHAT?!?
SKIP
But, but sir -
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
And if we need to direct their behavior, we’ll use Genesis to alter broadcasts, internet content and even their movie consumption. We can keep them in their homes, talking on video calls to friends that we invent. We will create stories of scarcity and anxiety, and drive them to buy...Terry. (He chuckles)
WHITMIRE
This is not what we agreed upon!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Eustace, you’ve personally supplied TerryCorp with a government surveillance apparatus. You’re in this up to your neck.
WHITMIRE
You have, eh, ruined me!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Of course not. This is our little secret. I won’t say anything. And you won’t say anything.
WHITMIRE
No...nope, eh, ehr, no I won’t.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
And you won’t say anything...will you, Section Chief?
SKIP
I uh -
WHITMIRE
You’d better not!
SFX: Whitmire GRABS SKIP and SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE WALL!
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire!
WHITMIRE
I swear to God, if you breathe one word of this to anyone, Granger, your friends will answer for it!
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire! You don’t mean it!
WHITMIRE
You don’t think so? Let’s start with your favorite!
SFX: He drops Skip and pulls a GUN!
SKIP
NO!
SFX: Whitmire darts across the room to the isolation booths.
WHITMIRE
Open up McGrath’s cell, Terry.
SKIP
Terry, no! No!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Will you agree to say nothing, Skip?
SKIP
...yes.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
...you’re lying.
SKIP
No! I’m not lying!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Do what you must, Eustace.
SFX: He pushes a button, and the ISOLATION BOOTH OPENS!
WHITMIRE
Come on out, eh, McGrath...(gasps)…Aw crap, she’s, eh, not in there!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
What? But I see her on the monitor!
WHITMIRE
Find, ehr eh, her!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Calm yourself Eustace! Don’t point that gun at me!
WHITMIRE
Oh my God. It’s Genesis!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Genesis?
WHITMIRE
Yes, Genesis, dammit, how can you be deaf with ears like that?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
What’s wrong with my ears?
WHITMIRE
McGrath never landed in that cell! We saw a deep fake! She’s somewhere in the building doing god knows what!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
But McGrath never accessed Genesis -
WHITMIRE
No, you freaking idiot! McGrath didn’t create a fake! It was Granger!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (laughing)
Gr...what?
WHITMIRE
Granger used Genesis to show us a fake McGrath! They’ve been in on this together! The two of them have been communicating somehow!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
That’s not possible, Eustace. We’ve been listening in on Skip for over a year now. We have access to old EMF security footage as well. Our AI has analyzed every word Special Agent Skip Granger ever said. How could he possibly...no. No!
FLASHBACKS, QUICK AND OVERLAPPING:
SKIP (Episode 407)
When I have that kind of trouble, I say it in code!
MACKENZIE (Episode 407)
I’m gonna try to tell you that thing again. In code.
SKIP (Episode 412)
Are you listening to me, Section Chief?
MACKENZIE (Episode 407)
Like, non-standard, improvised code.
SKIP (Episode 407)
I’m very listening.
SKIP (Episode 412)
Are you very listening?
SKIP (Episode 412)
I think back to the day you promoted me. I think about how I let you in.
SFX: Episode 101, Zelda knocks on Skip’s door.
SKIP (Episode 101)
Who is it?
ZELDA (Episode 101)
Open up Granger!
SKIP (Episode 101)
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
ZELDA (Episode 101)
Because it frightens the dog.
SKIP (Episode 101)
Pass phrases are my job, Chief!
SKIP (Episode 103)
That was my whole job before I was promoted to field agent!
SKIP (Episode 412)
Why did you even keep me around for all these years? What skill set do I bring to the table? What am I good for?
BACK IN THE PRESENT
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
It’s code. He’s been speaking in code phrases. The whole time.
SKIP
The jig is up, McGrath! Do it now!
MACKENZIE (ON PA)
Boom, Terry.
SFX: A GIANT ENERGY SURGE RIPPLES THROUGH THE BUILDING! Everyone’s phone EXPLODES!
WHITMIRE
Gah!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
My smart watch! My regular watch! The lights!
SFX: A klaxon BLARES, weird and distorted, and then dies. McGrath runs into the room.
MACKENZIE
Hope you bought the TerryCorp extended warranty.
SKIP
Good to see you, McGrath!
MACKENZIE
I would have called, but I fried the PA system.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
What have you two done?!?
SKIP
Exactly what we planned - I gave McGrath access to the file sorting room, and she switched the chip firmware update for the entire file system.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
My phone! My laptop! My smart refrigerator! My reel-to-reel!
MACKENZIE
Every TerryChip in the world is frying itself right now, choking on Skip’s ridiculously complicated file structures.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
NO NO NO MY TERMS AND CONDITIONS!!!!!!!
SKIP
The organizational overload has not only destroyed every TerryProduct, but your surveillance network, the cloning machine, and Genesis too!
MACKENZIE
The whole building is fritzing, guys, so those isolation booths should be unlocked!
SFX: Gloria CRASHES OUT of her cell!
GLORIA
I’ve never been so confused or ready to leap into action!
SFX": Bowden and Chet burst out of their cells as well!
BOWDEN
I can’t believe you two were planning this the whole time! Brilliant!
SKIP
It’s just a matter of being finely tuned to the people nearest to you -
CHET
Skip, right behind you!
SKIP
What - AH!
WHITMIRE
GRANGER!
SFX: BANG! Everyone JUMPS as Whitmire SHOOTS!
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire, please! There’s no need for violence!
WHITMIRE
Ohoho, there isn’t? That’s your problem, Granger, you’re a spy who doesn’t like to get violent!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
My authentic mahogany wall paneling!
WHITMIRE
SHUT UP YOU PHILANTHROPIST TECH-BRO! AND EH WEAR A SUIT AT THE OFFICE!
SFX: He starts to STRANGLE TERRY!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (choking)
Eustace...please! Strangling me won’t unsully your reputation!
SFX: Whitmire releases the gasping Terry.
WHITMIRE
That’s right...but with Genesis destroyed all the recordings are gone...if I burn Skip’s backup paperwork...I’m in the clear!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Yes!
WHITMIRE
Once I kill all of you!
GLORIA
Get down!
SFX: They all dive for cover as Whitmire SHOOTS!
SKIP
Secretary Whitmire, we can work this out!
WHITMIRE
I already have worked it out, Section Chief! You all die, and no one ever connects me to any of this!
SFX: The window SMASHES! A giant helicopter whirs outside!
WHITMIRE
Gah!
FBI (OVER A BULLHORN)
SECRETARY WHITMIRE. STAND DOWN. THIS IS THE FBI.
SKIP
YES!
MACKENZIE
Hey, Whitty, I think your office wants to know why TerryCorp just blew up their surveillance systems!
WHITMIRE
Eh, crap! I am outta here! Don’t follow me or I will shoot!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Eustace! What about me?
WHITMIRE
Later, traitor!
GLORIA
Chet, with me!
CHET
Not so fast!
GLORIA AND CHET
HIYA!
SFX: They CHOP WHITMIRE, and DOWN HE GOES!
CHET
Good night, Eustace.
GLORIA
More like “EusLESS”, am I right?
CHET
Ha!
BOWDEN
Gloria! That was a genuinely funny zinger!
GLORIA
Haha! Was it?
CHET
You’re gonna make a great superspy, Kovak.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Yes I’m sure you’re right keep in touch! Goodbye all!
SKIP
No! Don’t let him get away -
SFX: Too late! Terry pushes a button, and FWOOSH! He sinks into the ground!
SKIP
- aaand he’s gone.
BOWDEN
He had one of those darktrain escape elevators built right into his desk!
FBI AGENT
FBI! Everyone freeze!
SFX: Agents storm the room.
FBI AGENT
Agent Phillips! Well done! You’ve captured the Secretary of Defense!
CHET
Now JUST A DANG MINUTE. I was part of a team. I couldn’t have done it without Gl -
FBI AGENT
Please come with me sir. We need to debrief you in a sanitized room for approximately fourteen hours.
GLORIA
You know what, Chet? You take the credit for this one.
CHET
I - wait what?
FBI AGENT
Right this way, sir!
CHET
But I could...I...but...
SFX: He’s led away.
BOWDEN
You sure you don’t want to spend fourteen hours in a black box to earn your very own purple heart?
GLORIA
It’s just a medal. Let Chet add one to his collection.
SKIP (cracking a little)
You know, McGrath, we couldn’t talk, I couldn’t be sure you understood anything I was saying. I...I’m so -
MACKENZIE
Hey bud. I feel you. You don’t have to say a word.
MUSIC: TRANSITION INTO A NEWS BROADCAST
NEWSCASTER CONNIE (ON AIR)
Former Secretary of Defense Eustace Whitmire was arrested Thursday, thanks to over five million TerryCorp documents submitted as state evidence.
WHITMIRE (ON TAPE)
Get that, eh, camera out of my face! This is a political witch hunt! No that’s not hair dye on my face! Witch hunt! Bigly bigly!
NEWSCASTER CONNIE (ON AIR)
And in a surprise move, the president has chosen a seven-time purple heart recipient as Whitmire’s replacement, former Navy SEAL Chet Phillips.
CHET (ON TAPE)
Uhhhh -
NEWSCASTER CONNIE (ON AIR)
Secretary Phillips was confirmed unanimously, due to his involvement in exposing ties between Whitmire and the illicit data harvesting operations discovered at TerryCorp. We go live to Steve at TerryCorp headquarters in New York. Steve?
NEWSCASTER STEVE (LIVE)
Thanks, Connie. Former CEO and business tycoon Terry Millionaire has disappeared, but the company has been restructured under new management by the head of the only TerryCorp subsidiary not legally tied to the TerryChip meltdown: Spittin’ Image Alpaca Farms CEO, and former reality-TV wedding celebrity Athena O’Brien.
ATHENA (LIVE)
Thanks, Steve! Let me just reassure your audience that AthenaCorp’s new line of phones and laptops will be SOOO much more fabulous than those TerryDevices that all mysteriously exploded last week.
NEWSCASTER STEVE (LIVE)
Any truth to the rumors that AthenaCorp is currently setting up deals with weapons manufacturers?
ATHENA (LIVE)
You’ll have to talk to my press secretary about that, Steve. Tomás!
TOMAS THE ALPACA (LIVE)
<snort, bray>
ATHENA (LIVE)
Buh-bye!
NEWSCASTER STEVE (LIVE)
Uh...well...back to you Connie.
TOMAS THE ALPACA (LIVE)
<snort>
NEWSCASTER STEVE
Can someone get this llama to a dentist?
INT. THE NEWLY RE-ESTABLISHED EMF
SFX: The door to the conference room swings open, and in walks:
SKIP
Oh, my old, newly recommissioned EMF building! My old conference room! Smell that table! (he does) Yeah!
MACKENZIE
Gross, Skip.
GLORIA
I admit, I have to hand it to Secretary of Defense Chet Phillips for putting us back in business.
BOWDEN
You won’t miss being a private eye?
GLORIA
That was a beautiful chapter in our lives that I’ll never forget...but I won’t miss the cigarillos and amortization tax forms.
ZELDA (walking in)
Maybe we can install a liquor cabinet in the conference room.
ALL
Zelda!
SKIP
Zelda, it’s so good to finally be able to talk to you for real again!
ZELDA
Well, I’m speechless, Skip. You single-handedly executed one of the most impressive counter-ops in agency history.
MACKENZIE
Well, double-handedly.
GLORIA
I’m sorry I didn’t see through your code phrases.
BOWDEN
Me too!
ZELDA
Me three. I’m dying to know, Skip, when you began this long con.
SKIP
After Cannes!
GLORIA
Cannes?
ZELDA
Cannes...
MACKENZIE
Stop saying “cahn”, it’s starting to lose all meaning.
SKIP
When we came back from C-
MACKENZIE
FRANCE!
SKIP
- France, I told Zelda about my discovery that Chet was working for Terry Millionaire.
ZELDA
I had no choice but to tell Skip that Chet was working for me -
GLORIA
Skip, you knew?
ZELDA
- and I ordered him to keep quiet and leave it alone.
SKIP
But we knew there were TerryChips throughout the building - remember, McGrath?
FLASHBACK SCENES echo underneath their conversation, each time we remember...
SKIP (Episode 410)
This is big, Zelda.
ZELDA (Episode 410)
...those chips are embedded throughout our facility’s infrastructure.
MACKENZIE (Episode 410)
Damn, now I want chips.
SKIP
From that point on, I had to assume we’d been bugged. So Zelda and I discussed Chet...in code!
MACKENZIE
Ah, to have been a fly on the wall hearing that encoded conversation.
ZELDA
It was mostly about banana bread.
SKIP
I knew that Chet had too much history for Terry to ever fully accept him. No, if someone was going to infiltrate TerryCorps and gain Terry’s trust -
MACKENZIE
It’d have to be the most trusting dupe we know.
SKIP
From that point on, no matter how secure we seemed, I assumed Terry was listening in on my conversations. I tried to steer towards subjects that would help build the idea that I was becoming disillusioned with the EMF.
SKIP (Episode 412)
You can explain to me, Agent Corrino, why you chose to sell out your country and your teammates!
QUINN (Episode 412)
Granger, you’re part of a machine that you have no influence over.
SKIP (Episode 412)
I can’t believe you were a part of this.
CHET (Episode 412)
You should be happy to get rid of me. Now Gloria can take my job.
SKIP (Episode 412)
Zelda is promoting Gloria over me?
GLORIA
Oh, Skip...
SKIP
I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you straight, Gloria, but I knew Terry could always be listening.
BOWDEN
Honestly, I’m still trying to work out the code you were making up on the fly.
GLORIA
But you figured it out, Mackenzie?
MACKENZIE
I was trying to give you hints back at your office, remember?
MACKENZIE (Episode 501)
Do you guys ever think about the things Skip said right before he walked out on us?
GLORIA
Oh right! What did he say...?
SKIP (Episode 412)
If I could do these things I would.
MACKENZIE
And then he told us three things that not only he could do, but he did do.
SKIP
To be fair, two things that I did, and one that Gloria did. It wasn’t a perfect analogy, but I was making it up on the fly. And what else could I do but talk about adventures we shared together?
BOWDEN
My God! When you said -
SKIP (Episode 412)
- can I be like Bowden and pretend to be Ernest Hemingway?
BOWDEN
You DID do that! You went to live at a condo in Santa Barbara and PRETENDED TO BE ERNEST HEMINGWAY!
ROSALIE (Episode 208)
Mr. Hemingway! It is Mr. Hemingway, isn’t it?
SKIP (Episode 208)
Oh yes, Widow DeSales. How are you?
SKIP
Right, Bowden! In that mission, I had to pretend to belong somewhere I didn’t -
MACKENZIE
- so I realized he was going to pretend to go work for TerryCorps.
GLORIA
I remember! And then you said -
SKIP (Episode 412)
- can I bulldoze my way through problems the way Gloria does?
GLORIA
I drove a bulldozer through Logan Sharpe’s house...once I found a loophole in his plan!
SFX: Episode 202, sounds of Gloria driving a bulldozer through Logan’s house.
SKIP
I had hoped to find a loophole in Terry’s global surveillance network, and drive a bulldozer through it! Metaphorically, of course.
MACKENZIE
And I had no doubts when you mentioned semaphore, Skip.
SKIP (Episode 412)
Can I even understand semaphore? Can I McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I am never going forget the time you made me hold your hanky.
SKIP (Episode 306)
Take my handkerchief.
MACKENZIE (Episode 306)
Gross, Skip!
SKIP (Episode 306)
It’s my emergency semaphore hanky! Drop it if you need us to attack!
SKIP
You know, McGrath, I just realized how often you call me “gross”.
MACKENZIE
I knew he was going to send me a signal when it was time to attack TerryCorp. I just needed to know what the plan was.
SKIP
So once my filing system was almost complete, I had to get everyone together.
GLORIA
Wait...YOU sent us those classified documents, not Chet!
BOWDEN
You orchestrated it so we’d all be together at Athena’s farm!
SKIP
I felt bad letting Chet take the fall, but...
MACKENZIE
Not that bad?
SKIP
...not really.
GLORIA
And then you tried to give us the signal in code...but we walked away.
SKIP (Episode 501)
I wanted to talk to you all again face to face -
BOWDEN (Episode 501)
Yup.
SKIP (Episode 501)
Remember how we used to -
GLORIA (Episode 501)
Nope.
ZELDA (Episode 501)
See you all in another six months, I guess.
SKIP (Episode 501)
Wait, guys, I just wanted to say -
BOWDEN
But you know what? At least one of us knew what you were up to.
MACKENZIE (Episode 501)
You really got a way with words, don’t you?
SKIP (Episode 501)
McGrath - I just wanted to...talk.
MACKENZIE (Episode 501)
I’m here. Talk.
BOWDEN
What did you two say to each other, with Terry listening in?
SKIP
Well, McGrath seemed to understand the code when I talked about old missions -
MACKENZIE
- so we tried it again. Skip told me in code he’d made an overly complicated filing system.
SKIP (Episode 501)
Remember the time I made you follow a plan so complicated it required 3D pop-up books of a Swiss hotel?
SKIP
McGrath confirmed to me that if she had access, she could use my system to overload Terry’s chips!
MACKENZIE (Episode 501)
Remember the time I made fun of you so hard your brain overloaded a server?
MACKENZIE
And Skip confirmed it was go-time to break into Terry’s headquarters. And I was sure when he opened that door to the science lab.
SKIP (Episode 501)
Remember the time we illegally broke into a warehouse in our pajamas? I can get your foot in the door. But it’s now or never.
GLORIA
Skip...that’s...amazing. You were amazing.
ZELDA
No one but you could have pulled off this operation. And frankly, I’m amazed that you had the chops to lie to Terry so well.
BOWDEN
Studebaker, too!
STUDEBAKER (sticking his head in)
Who’s calling me?
BOWDEN
I was just talking about how you were pretending to be “Doctor Stroodebaker”.
STUDEBAKER
Doctor who?
STROODEBAKER (coming in)
Who’s calling me?
BOWDEN
I. What. Never mind.
STUDEBAKER
No problem, Kevin. C’mon you, back to work.
STROODEBAKER
Is this my new house?
SFX": They go.
ZELDA
Skip, I must say you seemed...truly angry. Especially when you learned about...Gloria’s promotion.
SKIP
Well, Chief...I’ve learned a lot from my team over the years. Bowden has shown me if you’re not good at lying, you can play up your real feelings.
BOWDEN (touched)
Oh!
GLORIA
Oh Skip...
SKIP
And McGrath showed me that you can tell your closest friends the truth even if the words are lies.
MACKENZIE
I hate him so much when he gets like this.
SKIP
I love you too, McGrath.
MACKENZIE
Aw.
ZELDA
But you do feel undervalued at the EMF?
SKIP
I do, sometimes...but I learned from Gloria to put other people first.
GLORIA
Skip -
SKIP
I’m so proud of you, Gloria. There’s no one who deserves a promotion more than you.
GLORIA
Thanks, Skip.
SFX: They hug.
ZELDA
I’m glad you’ve worked that out. Because Chet Phillips won’t be with us anymore.
MACKENZIE
Enjoy having him, Mister President!
ZELDA
Agent Kovak, do you accept the promotion to Agent First Class?
GLORIA
Yes.
ZELDA
Excellent. I know Skip will have a hard time replacing you.
GLORIA
He won’t.
ZELDA
I’m sorry?
GLORIA
Zelda...I think we need to change a few things around here.
MACKENZIE
Preach!
ZELDA
Such as?
GLORIA
You’ve spent years complaining about Chet Phillips going it alone! Why do you need your First Class Agents to be solo operators?
BOWDEN
Yes! This group is an ensemble cast, Zelda!
ZELDA
I understand, folks, but the establishment likes things a certain way. They still haven’t reauthorized our supermax prison -
MACKENZIE
WHY DO WE NEED A PRISON? We’re a covert team who’s supposed to help people! Not keep them in cages!
ZELDA
...you’ve got a pretty smart team here, Agent Granger.
SKIP
Best in the world, Chief.
GLORIA
So...Lead Agent Second Class Granger?
SKIP
Yes, Agent First Class Kovak?
GLORIA
Permission to join your team?
SKIP
Are you kidding me? GRANTED!
SFX: General celebration!
ZELDA
That leaves a spot for one more Second-Class Agent...Agent McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Oh boy. That’s gonna feel weird.
GLORIA
Is it...what you want?
MACKENZIE
...you know. I spent six months on my own, and all I wanted every day was to see your dumb faces again. Sure, Zelda, promotion accepted.
SFX: More general celebration!
SKIP
Gloria! Get me a form AG-104 immediately so I can make Agent Mackenzie McGrath official!
GLORIA (cheerfully)
Get it yourself, Skip!
SKIP
I will!
MACKENZIE
Thanks, Skip.
GLORIA
Everyone bring it in!
BOWDEN
C’mere, guys!
SFX: A giant group hug between the five friends.
ZELDA
All right. Agents, Special Assets, and god knows who else you’re going to drag in our door in the future...let’s get to work.
MUSIC: END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer, Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowing as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also starring
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien
Jill Ivey as Connie St. Stevens
and Bob Killion as Security Guy, Steve Connors, and The Admiral
Guest Starring
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
Eric Perry as Whitmire
and John Dowgin as Dr. Stroodebaker
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry
It's so good to be back. I don't know how you all dealt with Pete reading the credits on our bonus episodes. But if bonus episodes are your thing, we create a special Patreon only bonus audio each month for all of our members at $5 and above. Hear them all, along with mission dossiers, behind-the-scenes blogs and more. Visit missionrejeced.com/support for more info. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
MUSIC FADES
INT. TERRY’S DARK TRAIN
SFX: The FWOOP! of a TRANSPORT landing on the dark train.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ugh! How awful! Driven into hiding on my own darktrain, reduced to riding...public transportation. At the very least I can indulge in the bar.
SFX: He enters a new train car.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Oh! My beautiful Genesis device! Destroyed before it could create even one manufactured human clone!
ADMIRAL
Not quite.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
No! No it isn’t possible!
ADMIRAL
Terry Millionaire! The philanthropist bankruptee! Aren’t you going to welcome me back to the land of the living?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
What do you want?
ADMIRAL
The same thing you want, my friend...revenge.
MUSIC: STINGER