Season Six, Episode Two: “The Mild Mild West”
Transcript
INT. EMF HALLWAY
A squeaky mop cart is being pushed down the hall. It comes to halt.
OLD SWEEPY
You the new guy?
CHET
I’ve worked here most of my adult life. Do you not recognize me?
OLD SWEEPY
Not one for faces. You the new janitor or not?
CHET
(Sighs) Yes.
OLD SWEEPY
Here’s your mop cart. You know the drill, hit the floors. Make ‘em shine. I’ll come and check on you in a bit.
Ol’ Sweepy shuffles off. Chet dips the mop into the cart.
CHET
Alright, Phillips, you said you’d do it and you did! I’m finally where I want to be - back at the EMF. As the janitor. But not for long. Let’s do this.
The cart squeaks down the hall to...
INT. MISSION VOICE’S RECORDING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
MISSION VOICE
...your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to return the bones of Zsa Zsa Gabor to their rightful burial place and -
Chet bursts through the door
MISSION VOICE
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! What part of “Do Not Disturb” do you cleaning people not understand? I am an artist trying to work.
CHET
Heya, buddy.
MISSION VOICE
Phillips!? You’re...the new janitor?
CHET
For the moment. Now that I’m back on the inside, I can get back in the field.
MISSION VOICE
To what? Disinfect it?
CHET
Give me a mission.
MISSION VOICE
Aren’t you the same Chet Phillips who spent an entire year rejecting EVERY mission I sent?
CHET
Listen, the old me was a very different guy, you know?
MISSION VOICE
I am familiar with the feeling, but I can’t just break protocol.
Beat.
CHET
I brought gummy worms.
Chet shakes a bag of candy.
MISSION VOICE
Are they sour?
Chet looks at the bag.
CHET
Uh...no?
MISSION VOICE
Rejected.
MUSIC: HONKY TONK THEME SONG!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “The Mild Mild West.”
As the theme ends, we crossfade into a different tune:
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY
CALAMITY MARY JANE (SINGS)
TO THIS BALLAD I ASK YOU TO LISTEN
AND I HOPE IT DON’T CAUSE NO DISTRESS
BUT IF YOU FEEL THAT PAIN I’M INFLICTIN’
THEN I GUESS YOU CAN BLAME EMF
CALAMITY MARY JANE
They say there’s no more stories to be told in the west, but that’s just a tall tale. I should know, because I lived this one. Our story begins with a man who lived by a code. A color code! His files were color coded. His bookshelf was color coded. Heck, even his undies were color coded. But for a man who surrounded himself with rainbows, he had a terrible tendency to see things only in black and white...
INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM
SFX: Bleeps. Bloops. In that order.
SKIP
F is for fuchsia. Following fundamental filing philosophy, further folders from foreign friends forward functionally -
SFX: Intercom buzz
SKIP
Sigh. Always when I’m in the middle of a color coding reverie.
SFX: Buzz again. Skip answers.
SKIP
This is Agent Granger.
DR. WILES (ON INTERCOM)
Oh, sorry Agent Granger, I was trying to find Dr. Legrange.
SKIP
Dr. Wiles, Dr. Legrange went on vacation two years ago and no one has seen her since.
DR. WILES (ON INTERCOM)
I know! I just thought - “Hey, has anyone checked the conference room? Maybe she’s in there!”
SKIP
A good thought, but she’s not here.
DR. WILES (ON INTERCOM)
Are you sure? She’s very slim, she may have slid between the cushions in the sofa.
SKIP
The conference room doesn’t have a sofa.
DR. WILES (ON INTERCOM)
Are you sure? It might have quantum properties.
SKIP
I’m sure.
DR. WILES (ON INTERCOM)
You can never be sure with quantum couches.
SFX: Door opens. It’s ZELDA.
SKIP
Dr. Wiles, I have to go, the chief is here.
ZELDA
The floors in this place are absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe this new janitor came so highly recommended by the DOD.
SKIP
I haven’t met him yet, but I already left a note in the suggestion box about the complete lack of waxing in the hallway.
SFX: The door opens and the rest of the gang enters.
GLORIA
Morning, everyone!
BOWDEN
Skip, Zelda, so glad you’re both here!
MACKENZIE
Look out, everyone, Bowden’s in a good mood.
BOWDEN
Gather round, friends. I have big news.
GLORIA
Even I don’t know what it is! He wanted to wait until we were all together.
BOWDEN
As you know, I suffered a bit of a set back in my career, what with my vampire hunter movie getting shelved for tax purposes, but today, the holy trinity of William, Morris, and Endeavor have smiled down upon me. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is about to launch a daring new production of his musical “Cats”, and he wants me for the role Skimbleshanks!
GLORIA
The railway cat!?!
SKIP
The cat of the railway train!?!
BOWDEN
The same.
ZELDA
Congratulations, Bowden. Will we be losing you to the lights of Broadway?
BOWDEN
Uh, no. They’re starting this out small - it will be doing a holiday run ten times daily at Universal Studios Orlando.
MACKENZIE
So what makes this production so “daring”? Are you all going to dress up as dogs?
BOWDEN
How did you know? Did this already leak to Playbill?
MACKENZIE
I was joking! Are you serious?
BOWDEN
It’s supposed to be generational crossover event to appeal to the “Bluey” crowd.
MACKENZIE
“Cats”...as DOGS?
BOWDEN
Well when you say it like THAT it sounds dumb! I gotta call Gary and tell him to pass.
GLORIA
Oh, sweetheart, are you sure?
BOWDEN
The show was a McGrath punchline before she even heard the details. I’m certain.
SKIP
Alright, well, maybe I have something here that can brighten your day, Bowden. At the suggestion of Section Chief Anders, we are going spend some time at an up and coming resort destination!
MACKENZIE
Dubai?
GLORIA
Narbonne?
BOWDEN
Universal Studios Shanghai?
SKIP
Cripple Creek, Colorado!
Everyone but Skip and Zelda GROAN in disappointment.
SKIP
Dating back to the last great gold rush, Cripple Creek was once the economic hub of Colorado. Today, it retains much of its old west frontier charm and attracts tourists and locals alike with its still operational gold mine and various casinos, such as the cheekily named Brass Ass.
MACKENZIE
God give me strength to get through this briefing.
GLORIA
Alright, well, a casino could be fun! Uncle Riley taught me a can’t lose method for shooting craps that I’ve always wanted to try for real money.
ZELDA
Real money?
GLORIA
Oh, Uncle Riley prints his own currency. He hasn’t trusted the US dollar since we went off the gold standard.
BOWDEN (Googling on his phone)
Hmm. Well, this is encouraging! Looks like they have a theater... the name of which I’m not going to say out loud.
MACKENZIE (Also Googling)
And the casino has a 24 hour, 7 days a week restaurant and snack bar! That’s no all-you-can-eat buffet, but I won’t knock 4am chicken fried steak.
ZELDA
Before you all get too unexplainably excited, you should know Cripple Creek is simply where we’ll be getting off the bus. Our contact will meet us there and take us about two hours further west to the Rowdy Roach Dude Ranch - one of those throwback cowboy towns complete with saloon shows and mock gunfights.
BOWDEN
I’m sorry, I’m confused. I thought this was supposed to cheer me up, not relive terrible family trips.
SKIP
The double R dude ranch has a special connection to the EMF. It’s being run by an old friend... financial expert and angel voiced tenor Stuart Gilligan!
MACKENZIE
Bowden, I was wrong - take that part... and see if they have one for me! Anything not to work with that coke sniffing disaster again.
SKIP
Stuart is no longer dependent on his... allergy medication. The crisp Colorado air has done wonders for his sinuses. He left his post at the CIA to run this dude ranch and focus on his health.
ZELDA
Despite his new job as dude ranch operator, he’s continued to consult for Pat on a freelance basis. He’s never turned down a request for help - and I think we should do the same for him. It’s getting harder and harder to know who our friends are, so I think we should keep the ones we have close.
GLORIA
I don’t need to hear anything else! Just give me enough time to run home and grab my cowboy hat and boots and I’m in!
BOWDEN
Oooh, grab my spurs while you’re there. They go JINGLE JANGLE!
MACKENZIE
Why do you have...no. You know what? Don’t EVER answer that.
ZELDA
We don’t know what Stuart needs from us - he said he couldn’t risk telling me over the phone. All he could say was that it was critically important. Until we learn more, this technically isn’t an EMF mission. Simply us helping a friend.
BOWDEN
That explains the bus.
SKIP
We’ll take a plane to Denver. Economy coach, of course.
MACKENZIE
Well. Back in the saddle again.
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY
CALAMITY MARY JANE (SINGS)
DO YOU THINK OF MCGRATH SITTING COACH CLASS?
WITHOUT SNACKS, WITHOUT DRINKS OR A MEAL?
DO YOU THINK OF MONTCRIEF’S JINGLE JANGLE?
FROM THAT SPUR THAT HE WEARS ON HIS HEEL...
EXT. CRIPPLE CREEK DOWNTOWN - DAY
A bustling downtown. A buss pulls up and opens its door.
BUS DRIVER
All out for downtown Cripple Creek.
SKIP
Is this the stop for the Brass Ass?
BUS DRIVER
I don’t like cheap talk, paly.
MACKENZIE
Skip, this town is about the size of a postage stamp, I think we can find our way.
GLORIA
Come on, Skip, these boots were made for walkin’!
BOWDEN
“I’ve got spurs that jingle jangle jingle!”
ZELDA
And I’ve got car sickness. Get off this bus!
They all climb out. Bowden’s spurs jingle.
SKIP
Ah! There it is! The Brass Ass!
MACKENZIE
Skip, I need you to sound less excited by that.
SKIP
Our contact is supposed to meet us out front of the casino. I provided Stuart with a special set of pass phrases so we’d know we were with the right person.
MACKENZIE
Tell you what, Skip, you watch the luggage. I’m gonna go check out that 24-7 cafe.
GLORIA
Oh, Miss McGrath, if they have any green chili, I’d love a cup!
BOWDEN
Dare I trust Rocky Mountain Oysters from an all-night casino cafe? Talk about gambling...
Footsteps approach. It’s SPLIFF FOOT SUE.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Excuse me, are you here to visit the Brass Ass?
SKIP
Why yes...but I hear entering through the rear is difficult.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Not if you know why the cowboy bought a dachshund.
SKIP
Because he wanted to get a long little doggy.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Boss Gilligan said you were a good ‘un. Spliff Foot Sue at yer service.
SKIP
Skip Granger, at yours. This my team. McGrath...
MACKENZIE
Yo.
SKIP
Gloria...
GLORIA
Howdy, partner!
SKIP
Bowden...
BOWDEN
Enchanté.
SKIP
And Zelda.
ZELDA
I pray to God your van has better air conditioning than that bus or I’m gonna need about fifty sick bags.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Well now, m’am, there ain’t no finer air conditioning than the cool Colorado breeze.
ZELDA
You mean...
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
You open the window, m’am. Now you all just grab your things and toss ‘em in the back of my van and we’ll get goin’.
Suzy opens the back of her van and everyone starts loading in the luggage.
GLORIA
Bo, where did you put my backpack?
BOWDEN
I thought you had it.
GLORIA
Didn’t you take it off the bus like I asked?
BOWDEN
Yes, of course, and then I put it down with all our other bags on the sidewalk.
SKIP
This is why I always stand with my luggage firmly tucked between my legs! I have a groove in my right thigh from my suitcase handle.
GLORIA
Oh, that backpack had all my travel essentials. I only had 50 pages left in “Even Cowgirls Get The Blues”.
Footsteps approach. A man named GOGGINS speaks with a kindly voice.
GOGGINS
Excuse me, miss, is this your ruck sack?
GLORIA
Oh! My backpack! Thank you so much!
GOGGINS
I saw the gentlemen with the jangly spurs here put it down by the bus stop and forget to bring it over here.
BOWDEN
I did? I must have been distracted by my spurs. They sure do jingle jangle!
GOGGINS
Sure enough. Well, you folks enjoy your fancy van ride.
MACKENZIE
Saddle up, cowpeople. Let’s get this show on the road.
GLORIA
Well, thanks again for returning my bag, sir.
GOGGINS
Any time, m’am.
SFX: The van doors close and it drives off. Goggins dials on his cellphone.
GOGGINS
Boss, it’s Goggins. The posse is headin’ to Tombstone. I’ll follow and report back. Over and out.
SFX: Phone off.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. ROWDY ROACH DUDE RANCH MAIN STREET - DAY
SFX: The van pulls up and rattles to a stop. The door flies open and everyone starts hoping out.
SKIP
Out! Out! Everybody out!
MACKENZIE
She’s gonna blow!
BOWDEN
Don’t have to tell me twice!
GLORIA
Chief, can we get you some water?
ZELDA
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY!
SFX: Zelda runs off.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (Calling after Zelda)
Keep yer eye on a fixed point on the horizon, it will reset your equilibrium!
BOWDEN
Sounds like you know a lot about treating car sickness.
MACKENZIE
The way she drives, it must come up a lot.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Used to be in med school. I liked the idea of becoming a doctor, but the stress...I just had to step away for awhile. Came out here to clear my head and met maybe the most wonderful man in the world.
MACKENZIE
Wait, you don’t mean -
Footsteps approaching. It’s STUART GILLIGAN, along with two more cowgirls: ANNIE DOPELY and CALAMITY MARY JANE.
GILLIGAN
Well, howdy partners! Welcome to the Rowdy Roach Dude Ranch!
SKIP
Stuart! So good to see you!
GILLIGAN
And you, Agent Granger! I can’t tell you how relieved I am you came.
SKIP
Who are your friends?
GILLIGAN
Allow me to introduce my colleagues: Annie Dopely -
ANNIE DOPELY
Howdy, y’all.
GILLIGAN
- and Calamity Mary Jane.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Greetins’!
BOWDEN
Heck of a place you got, Gilligan. Frontierland eat your heart out, it looks like you could reboot Bonanza right here!
GLORIA
What time’s the saloon show? I wanna see me some Can-Can dancers!
GILLIGAN
Oh, uh, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Agent Kovak, but there’s no show tonight. Or any night soon unless you can help me.
MACKENZIE
What’s the story, Gilligan? Blow you budget on allergy medication?
GILLIGAN
No, no, nothing like that, Miss McGrath. But, uh, where’s Section Chief Anders? I thought she was coming with you.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
She’s just visiting the upchuck wagon.
Zelda staggers back.
ZELDA
That’s it. We’re only renting limos from here on out. I’ll find the money somewhere. We don’t need dental insurance.
GILLIGAN
Howdy, Zelda!
ZELDA
Hello, Stuart. You better pray to God that after those two car rides, your emergency is LIFE OR DEATH.
ANNIE DOPELY
It is for us!
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Sure enough! Without the double R, I wouldn’t have a home nor a livelihood.
GILLIGAN
The girls are right. This place is everything to us. I’ve got every last dime I had wrapped up in it, but these three girls are my last employees! I don’t have the staff to put on shows, do reenactments, run the hotel or restaurant.
SKIP
No restaurant? But it smells HEAVENLY here. I’m getting whiffs of popcorn...turkey legs...even barbecue!
GILLIGAN
That’s just an old trick I stole from Disney. We pump in those scents through vents all around the ranch. Gets people hungry and ready to spend money.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Plus it covers up the smell of the, uh...horse dung.
GLORIA
Stuart, you’re forensic accountant. You must have had a business plan to support enough employees.
GILLIGAN
Of course I did! I had plenty of staff, but everyone has either been strong armed out or I’ve had to let them go.
MACKENZIE
Strong armed? Let me guess, you’re up against Black Bart.
GILLIGAN
Worse! White Willy.
BOWDEN
White Willy!?
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Oh, he’s just awful!
BOWDEN
Is he...a cowboy?
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Worse.
BOWDEN
Uh...stage coach robber?
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Real estate developer.
ALL
Ugh/Ewww/etc.
GILLIGAN
He wants to tear everything down and put up fancy, new casinos.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
The kind that have slot machines based on Monopoly games that are based on movies!
SKIP
Oh no! The Brass Ass can’t handle that kind of competition!
MACKENZIE
What is with you and that place?
SKIP
I just like saying it’s name. Rhyming is fun! Even when it’s a little naughty.
MACKENZIE
Buddy, I love you, but you are deeply weird.
GLORIA
Gilligan, how can we help? It sounds like you need an infusion of cash and well, that’s not really our speciality.
ANNIE DOPELY
Oh no, y’all, money ain’t the problem! Ole Stewie here’s got a WHOLE lotta green rolling in!
MACKENZIE
Stewie!?
GILLIGAN
It’s just a little pet name the girls have for me.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Also Big Daddy Stu,
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Giddy-Up Gilligan,
ANNIE DOPELY
And Pecos Pappy!
MACKENZIE
Before you even say it, Skip, we should not have pet names for each other.
SKIP
I wasn’t even thinking it!
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Annie is right, though. We have an investment that’s about to mature. Once it does, we’ll have enough green to keep this place afloat.
GILLIGAN
Trouble is, White Willy knows that too. He’s threatened to level this entire town to the ground before my ship comes in, so to speak.
ZELDA
Not that I’m not willing to help you, Stuart, but this sounds like a matter for the local police...or zoning board.
SKIP
Oh no, chief! Zoning boards have terrible track records, historically. When it comes to protecting the proverbial little guy.
MACKENZIE
Dear diary: “Today, Skip Granger named a governmental bureaucracy he doesn’t like!”
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
And as for the police, well, we could call Cripple Creek police, but we’re technically outside their jurisdiction. Out here, it’s the state troopers or nothin’.
ANNIE DOPELY
And White Willy has those state boys in his pocket. All that casino money would flow right into their bank accounts.
GILLIGAN
So that’s why I called Zelda and asked for the EMF’s help. What we need is -
SKIP
A POSSE!
BOWDEN
Skip, you took the words right out of my mouth! We need to Magnificent Seven this!
GLORIA
Or Seven Samurai!
MACKENZIE
I think you mean Three Amigos.
ZELDA
I hate Westerns. Explain. Simply.
BOWDEN
The basic story is the same. A small town is in trouble, so they bring in a group of outsiders to defend them. Out skilled and outnumbered, the outsiders and the town folk come together to defeat the villains.
ZELDA
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we don’t have any villagers!
BOWDEN
That’s why we use the Amigos variation! The Amigos use theatrical trickery to make the town seen better defended than it is and run the villains out of town.
SKIP
It’s a perfect EMF style ruse! Gilligan, you must have props and costumes and things here, yes?
GILLIGAN
Oh my yes. Costumes, six shooters, wagon wheels, cow antlers, bails of hay, anything you need for a perfect old west town.
SKIP
Amazing! All I need now is makeshift briefing room.
GILLIGAN
Well, in the old west, plans were always hatched in one place -
SKIP
Oh. Sure. The saloon. That works too.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. THE BRASS ASS - RESTAURANT
The sounds of a casino - slot machines, roulette wheels - mixed with the sounds of a diner - a bell rings, a cook yells “order up!”.
ALICE THE WAITRESS
Welcome to the Brass Ass’s Hungry Mule Cafe, serving our world famous Green Chile Bison Chili twenty-four hours a day. Table for one?
GOGGINS
Naw, I’m meetin’ someone. You didn’t happen to see a lanky feller? Kinda...angry lookin’?
ALICE THE WAITRESS
Dressed head-to-toe in white rhinestone cowboy gear like he’s Elvis cosplaying as Roy Rodgers?
GOGGINS
That’s him.
ALICE THE WAITRESS
He’s in the booth in the back. You tell him if he breaks my table again, he’s getting trespassed.
GOGGINS
Yes, m’am.
Goggins moves deeper into the cafe. As he approaches his destination, we hear angry groans and a fist pounding on a table.
GOGGINS
Hoo doggie, he got the chili again.
WHITE WILLY (Pounding the table)
Why? Why?
GOGGINS
Howdy, boss.
WHITE WILLY
Goggins! ‘bout time you got here! Pull up a chair. You gotta try this chili!
GOGGINS
I’m good, boss, thanks.
WHITE WILLY
But it’s so good!
He takes a spoonful and then pounds his fist on the table.
WHITE WILLY
WHY IS IT SO GOOD? IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. GOD I HATE THIS CASINO!
GOGGINS
Boss, I dunno why you keep coming here. You want to put this place out of business!
WHITE WILLY
Darn tootin, I do! When I open White Willy’s Wild West Casino, Hotel, and Family Amusement Center, this place won’t have but six months before we shut their doors. But, tarnation, I will miss this chili.
Another bite. More pounding on the table.
WHITE WILLY
HOW CAN SOMETHING SO GOOD COME FROM SOME PLACE I LOATHE SO MUCH?
GOGGINS
Why don’t you just hire the cook? After all, you’re putting him out of a job.
WHITE WILLY
We’re not doing anything in house! That’s what’s done all these rinky dink operations in! White Willy’s is outsourcing everything! I’ve already got a deal in place to have sixteen Starbucks kiosks, a two-story Buffalo Wild Wings with a cascading buffalo sauce water fall, and the first twenty-four seven Luluemon!
GOGGINS
Wait. Is the Lulemon IN the Buffalo Wild Wings?
WHITE WILLY
That’s the first good idea you’ve had, Goggins! I’m finally rubbing off on you. My casino is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to this backwater state. Which is why I need that Rowdy Roach land, Goggins! Give me some good news.
GOGGINS
Well, as expected, he called in for back-up, but I wouldn’t worry. Looked like a bunch of accountants to me.
WHITE WILLY
Of course they’re accountants. That was Gilligan’s job before he opened up that damn fool tourist trap of a dude ranch. Probably the only friends he’s got, bunch of lousy number crunchers.
GOGGINS
Funny thing, though...one of the fellers looked just like that guy from TV that you like.
WHITE WILLY
Mark Consuelos!?
GOGGINS
Naw, the actor feller. The one who played the boyfriend on Acquaintances.
WHITE WILLY
Bowden Montcrief!? Here in Cripple Creek? With a group of accountants? I swear, Goggins, sometimes you make me angrier than this chili.
Willy POUNDS his fist on the table as he eats another spoonful.
ALICE THE WAITRESS (From her hostess stand)
Hey! What did I tell you back there?
GOGGINS
Sorry, Miss Alice. He’ll behave.
WHITE WILLY
How many accountants did you say there were?
GOGGINS
Five by my count. That makes nine total with Gilligan and his girls.
WHITE WILLY
I think we should go pay Mr. Gilligan a visit. Give him one last chance to be reasonable and sell.
GOGGINS
And if he isn’t reasonable?
WHITE WILLY
I don’t expect he will be. So you go round up the meanest, dirtiest group of hoods you can find. Tell them we ride at dawn.
GOGGINS
Dawn, boss? You’ll miss Kelly and Mark.
Fists on the table.
WHITE WILLY
Alright, alright! High noon.
GOGGINS
Excellent choice, sir. Shall we go see Gilligan now?
WHITE WILLY
Let me just finish my chili.
One last spoonful and then fists on the table.
WHITE WILLY
GOD I HATE THIS CASINO!
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY
CALAMITY MARY JANE (SINGS)
DO YOU EVER JUST CRAVE BISON CHILI?
OR WOULD YOU RATHER EAT VEGAN BEAN?
DO WONDER WHY I KEEP ON SINGING?
GOOD NEWS, ALL’S REVEALED IN THIS SCENE...
INT. RUSTY HORSESHOE SALOON - NIGHT
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY, ON AN OUT OF TUNE HONKY TONK PIANO
BOWDEN (As he finishes playing)
Yee haw!
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Wow, Mr. Montcrief, you sure know how to tickle them there ivories!
BOWDEN
Well, thank you kindly, little lady. My musical ear comes naturally, but my nimble fingers are all thanks to “Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing.” Too bad this piano isn’t in better shape.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
May I make a suggestion? That ole D-flat key always sticks. Try playin’ it in C Major.
Bowden does so. It sounds majestically better.
BOWDEN
Are you a musician?
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Yeah, singer-song writer. Used to be on the opry circuit, but the stress was just so crazy I didn’t know myself anymore. Along comes Stewie and the Rowdy Roach and, heck, I almost feel like writin’ a song again.
The saloon doors swing open.
GILLIGAN
I found the slide projector, Agent Granger! I hope the bulb still works!
SKIP
Me too. I didn’t pack my spare bulbs this trip.
MACKENZIE
Who even are you?
SKIP
Gloria, work your magic if you would.
GLORIA
On it!
Gloria fiddles with the projector and it turns on.
SKIP
Bingo!
CLICK!
SKIP
Behold, the Rowdy Roach Dude Ranch! This is an overhead map of the entire property.
The three cowgirls start to giggle.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
It kinda looks a bird!
ANNIE DOPELY
Yeah, a BIG bird!
CALAMITY MARY JANE
What? Nawww. Big Bird is yellow.
All three laugh.
SKIP
Yes, um, well observed. Anyway, the buildings I’ve marked here in red are key to our operation: the saloon, the barber shop, the sheriff’s station, the library, and the chapel. I believe that from these locations, we can make the ranch seem incredibly well defended via some props, costumes, and a few theatrical touches from Bowden’s bag of tricks.
BOWDEN
Skip, this is the mission I was born for.
ANNIE DOPELY
Oooh - can you pull a rabbit out of a hat?
BOWDEN
No, I’m not an actual magician.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Oh! Can you cut me in half and then make my legs wiggle even though they’re not connected to my body?
BOWDEN
Again, no, not a magician, I’m an actor.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
OH! Were you in Now You See Me?
GLORIA
Ooooh, don’t mention Jesse Eisenberg!
BOWDEN
HE STOLE LEX LUTHOR RIGHT OUT OF MY HANDS!
SKIP
Um, everyone, if you please.
MACKENZIE
Yes, even I would rather listen to Skip give a briefing than this.
SKIP
Thank you, McGrath. We’ll break into teams. Bowden, you and Annie take the sheriff’s station.
BOWDEN
Roger that.
SKIP
Gloria and Sue, you’re on the barber shop. McGrath and Calamity, you hit the library.
MACKENZIE
Oh come on, don’t YOU want the library?
SKIP
Yes, badly, but I think I’ll be better positioned to run the operation from here in the saloon. That leaves Gilligan and Zelda at the church.
ZELDA
Trade you for the library.
MACKENZIE
Pass.
SKIP
Now, one area of concern I have is the rear of the property.
Click.
SKIP
Stuart, what’s this area back here? It’s not on any of the visitors’ map.
GILLIGAN
Oh, those are just some greenhouses.
SKIP
They’re accessible from the mountain pass. If Willy or his men were to approach from that direction, they could see through our ruse unless we also station a team there.
GILLIGAN
Is that really necessary? To come over the mountain pass from Cripple Creek would be a major detour from the direct approach in the front.
ZELDA
If this White Willy is as sinister as you’ve made him out to be, you need to consider that he’d take the sneaky route. Or even attack from both sides.
SKIP
We better add the greenhouses as another station. We’ll have to break up one of the teams -
GILLIGAN
I’LL DO IT! I mean, uh, the chapel is the smallest building. I’m sure Zelda can handle it.
SKIP
Alright. It’s agreed. The next step is to gather up as many props and costumes and special effects as we can muster.
BOWDEN
I’ll need to see what we have on hand before I can design the scenes. Basically, anything that’s not nailed down, we can use. We run out of those, we start un-nailing things.
ANNIE DOPELY
Hey, Calamity, you ever been un-nailed?
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Pfft, last Saturday.
Giggles.
GLORIA
I guess it’s nice you can keep a good sense of humor in times of stress.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (Still giggly)
Oh it’s so important to laugh! Trust me, I was almost a doctor!
SKIP
Okay, everyone spilt up and start gathering!
Everyone stands and starts to exit. McGrath pulls Gloria aside.
MACKENZIE
Yo, G, hang back a second.
GLORIA
What’s up, Miss McGrath?
MACKENZIE
Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees what going on here.
GLORIA
Oh, that the old west set is an anarchistic blend of pre-and-post civil war themes while only paying perfunctory nods to the actual mining towns of Colorado’s past?
MACKENZIE
No. Though that is painfully obvious. I’m talking about everything else. The name of this place. The cowgirl nicknames. The giggles. Stuart’s eagerness to abandon the chapel...
GLORIA
Oh. Yeah. We gotta go check out those greenhouses.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. ROWDY ROACH DUDE RANCH MAIN STREET - NIGHT
Skip and company are filing out of the saloon.
GILLIGAN
Bowden, we keep all the blank bullets and explosives for the old west show in the basement of the jailhouse. We haven’t done a show in months, so I’m not sure what our stock looks like.
BOWDEN
I’ll go check it out. Hopefully, I can make a little go a long way.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
I’ll show you the way.
Bo and Sue head off.
MACKENZIE (Inhaling)
Oh my God, that barbecue smell is just driving me crazy with hunger.
GILLIGAN
I’m sorry, Miss McGrath. Do you want me to have one of the girls shut off the scent vents? There’s a control in just about every building.
MACKENZIE
No. At least I can DREAM I’m having a plate of ribs for dinner. Come on, Gloria, let’s go look for some costumes. In the...library.
GLORIA
Yes. Right. The library. Good call.
MACKENZIE (As they move off)
Smooth, G.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Stuart, there’s a car comin’ up the front drive!
ANNIE DOPELY
2016 Jeep Liberty. High Altitude model. In pearl white. You can tell by the deep hum of the engine.
ZELDA
You can tell the model and color just by listening to the engine?
ANNIE DOPELY
Used to design ‘em. Too much stress, though. Then one magic weekend, I found this place and Stewie here and, well, you could say I fell in love.
GILLIGAN
That’s lovely, Annie, but, uh, that’s Willy’s car!
The car comes to a stop on the gravel drive. Two doors open and out step White Willy and Goggins.
WHITE WILLY
Well, if it isn’t the pale rider. Evening, Mr. Gilligan.
GILLIGAN
This is private property, Willy, and we’re closed for the night.
WHITE WILLY
Closed for the NIGHT? Looks like you’re closed for good. Don’t you think so, Goggins?
GOGGINS
Sure looks it to me, boss.
ZELDA
You should leave.
WHITE WILLY
Well now, who is this little spitfire? I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Willy’s the name, casinos are my game. You a guest at this roach motel?
ZELDA
I am a friend of Mr. Gilligan’s and I’m asking you again, politely, to leave.
SKIP
You heard the lady. Move along.
WHITE WILLY
Well, well, Goggins, looks like old Gilligan here has himself a couple of body guards.
GOGGINS
Well, her I can buy, but he looks like he’d snap like a twig.
GILLIGAN
Get off my property, Willy. And it is my property.
WHITE WILLY
For now. But we all know you can’t make the next mortgage payment.
ANNIE DOPELY
That’s what you think! Just a couple more days and then Stewie will be rolling in -
GILLIGAN
Easy there, Annie. You think I’m going to default on my loan? Fine. That happens, and I guess you can come scoop it up.
WHITE WILLY
Awww, but then I have to get the banks involved, and wait for it to go to auction by the sheriff. So many delays. And every day I wait is another day that wretched Brass Ass makes money and I don’t! I’d rather just buy it from you right now. Tonight. In cash. Show ‘em, Goggins.
Goggins opens up a briefcase.
GOGGINS
Take a look at these leafy greens.
SKIP
Oh my goodness! That’s a lot of cash!
GOGGINS
Sure is.
GILLIGAN
Oh my...that’s...no. No. I pass. I’ll be able to pay my mortgagee just fine. You’ll see.
WHITE WILLY
A bird in the hand, Mr. Gilligan. While you’re waiting for whatever mythical ship you think is going to come in...an accident could happen. Hate to see this place fall apart. Or burn to the ground.
ZELDA
Did I just hear you THREATEN to destroy this property?
WHITE WILLY
Now did I say that? Goggins, is that what you heard me say?
GOGGINS
All I heard was genuine concern for the safety of this ranch.
WHITE WILLY
You have my final offer, Gilligan. Think about it long and hard. You have until dawn.
GOGGINS
Mark and Kelly, sir.
WHITE WILLY
You have until later morning. Goggins, let’s go.
GOGGINS
Gilligan. Ladies. Twiggy.
Goggins and Willy head back to the car and drive off.
ANNIE DOPELY
Oh, Stewie, you were so brave.
GILLIGAN
I think I pee’d myself a little.
ZELDA
Skip?
SKIP
Chief?
ZELDA
Let’s take that bastard down.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. GREENHOUSE - NIGHT
McGrath and Gloria approach the greenhouse complex.
MACKENZIE
Well, well, well, would you look at the size of that padlock? I got a feeling there’s more than just daisies growing in here. Gloria, give me one of your famous bobby pins.
GLORIA (Slightly out of breath)
You got it. Here you go.
McGrath starts picking the lock.
MACKENZIE
You okay?
GLORIA
I didn’t expect that path to be so steep. Coming down was okay, but it’s gonna be a real workout going back up. I knew we should have asked for some horses.
MACKENZIE
Yeah, G, let’s ask for incredibly obvious modes of transportation for a covert operation. Got it!
The lock pops open.
GLORIA
It’s more of a good, old fashioned snoop.
McGrath pushes the door open.
MACKENZIE
Perfect choice of words.
GLORIA
Old fashioned?
MACKENZIE
No. Snoop.
INT. GREENHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The electric hum of greenhouse lamps as McGrath and Gloria enter.
MACKENZIE
As in Dog.
GLORIA
Oh my God. This isn’t an old west attraction - it’s a pot farm!
MACKENZIE
Rolling in the green is right. Gilligan is sitting on a fortune in weed!
GLORIA
So he really can save the Double R!
MACKENZIE (Inhaling deeply)
Save it? He can save it, renovate it, expand it and add a water park. This shit smells GOOD. I wonder if he’d mind if a took a free sample?
GLORIA
Miss McGrath!
MACKENZIE
Gloria, you have a bong. I’ve seen it. And don’t think I don’t know that you bought one for Bowden that looks like an Oscar.
GLORIA
I have no problem with a little recreational fun, but not while I’m on a mission!
MACKENZIE
I didn’t say I was going to smoke it now.
GLORIA
You are literally holding a lighter.
A zippo opens and lights.
MACKENZIE
Huh. So I am. Pure instinct.
The zippo closes.
GLORIA
Why would Stuart hide this from us? We’re in Colorado. This is legal.
Suddenly, a voice from behind.
GILLIGAN
If you have a license.
The girls jump.
MACKENZIE
Jesus, Gilligan! When did you learn to be sneaky?
GILLIGAN
When I stopped needing my allergy medication.
GLORIA
Stuart, are you saying you don’t have license to grow this?
GILLIGAN
Technically, no. But it’s on the way! Really! I just kinda, got a head start. Once the papers clear, which should be any day now, I’ll be able to not only grow but sell all this legally and my problems will be over!
MACKENZIE
Say, will you have a friends and family discount program?
GLORIA
Why didn’t you just tell us from the beginning?
GILLIGAN
Well, uh, Agent Granger has a propensity for being very by-the-book.
MACKENZIE
I feel ya. Try living with him. Especially on a block with alternate side of the street parking.
GILLIGAN
I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the ranch. I want to be able to offer a fun, safe place for people to come and enjoy themselves. This little garden will help me do that. Assuming Willy doesn’t tear us to the ground.
MACKENZIE
This is quite a crop you’re growing here, Gilligan. What do you have - Purple Haze? Cotton Candy Kush? Sour Patch Killerz?
GILLIGAN
Actually, this is all a special strain aimed at helping lowering stress and promoting calm. Sue helped me develop it. We call it “Allergy Medication.”
GLORIA
Oh, Stuart.
GILLIGAN
Care for a puff?
MACKENZIE
Yes!
GLORIA
Not while we’re on duty, Mackenzie!
MACKENZIE
Ugggh. Don’t be such a Skip, Gloria.
GLORIA
I am not being a “Skip”. And if I were, is that really a bad thing? We’re trying to save this place! Imagine the time comes and you’re even a smidge off your sharpest - there goes the entire ranch! And all of this with it.
MACKENZIE
Damn. When you’re right, you’re right, G.
GLORIA
I’ll be the first one to pass the dutchie when this is all over, but for now -
MACKENZIE
Jesus, you really are turning into Skip. Alright, alright, we’ll roll one once we’ve driven Willy out of town.
GILLIGAN
So can we, uh, keep this our little secret for now?
GLORIA
Yeah, no problem.
MACKENZIE
Alright, but I’ll guard the greenhouse. Like you said, Gilligan, it’s unlikely they’ll approach from the mountain pass, and you’ll be much more useful out front. You know the ranch better than anyone.
GILLIGAN
Oh, thank you, Miss McGrath!
GLORIA
I don’t need to take your lighter, do I?
MACKENZIE
No, Gloria, I’ll be good! I promise.
The zippo opens and lights again.
MACKENZIE
Sorry. Reflex.
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY
CALAMITY MARY JANE (SINGS)
THERE ARE PLOT TWISTS YOU NEVER SEE COMING
FROM THE OTHERS TO M. KNIGHT’S SIXTH SENSE
BUT THIS ONE YOU PROBABLY ALL GUESSED AT
AND TO THAT, I AIN’T GOT NO DEFENSE
INT. RUSTY HORSESHOE SALOON - MORNING
The sound of a power saw cutting and then being turned off.
BOWDEN (Exhausted but energized)
There. That’s the last one. I haven’t turned this many brooms and mops into mannequins since my community theater production of “A Very Brady Crucible”.
SKIP
Who’s this one going to be again?
BOWDEN
That’s the preacher. Stick that black cloak on him and then apply a little White Out on his collar.
SKIP
Got it. You know, maybe it’s because I haven’t slept in almost two days, but I think this broom really does look a priest.
BOWDEN
You know my first love is acting, but maybe I missed my calling as an effects designer. This is going to put that Back to the Future musical to shame.
GILLIGAN
I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done, Bowden. All of you, really. No matter what happens, it’s amazing to know I have such great friends.
The doors open. Annie approaches with Zelda.
ANNIE DOPELY
Mr. Bowden, I got everything rigged up like you told me. We used every engine, chain, rope, pulley, and wheel wagon we could find.
ZELDA
Between Annie’s engineering skills and your theatrical vision, this may actually work. Then again, I haven’t slept for almost two days.
ANNIE DOPELY
You can control the whole thing from this here the junction box in the saloon, Mr. Granger. Each building has it’s own switch, or you just throw the master and make everything go at once.
SKIP
So, if I want to turn the saloon on...
A switch is thrown and the sounds of the mechanical villages coming to life is heard. Delighted, Skip turns off the machine.
ANNIE DOPELY
There’s additional buttons for some smoke effects, and we’ll all have blanks and firecrackers to play wiht from our positions. But if you want a REALLY big boom - we found some actual dynamite. They use to to clear the trails if there’s an avalanche.
SKIP
That is incredibly dangerous! The point is to just scare the bad guys off, not hurt anyone.
ANNIE DOPELY
Well, if you wanna do something right...
GILLIGAN
It was a nice thought, Annie, but I’m with Agent Granger.
SKIP
Okay, let’s do a comms check.
Skip clicks on his comms.
SKIP
Roll call. Gloria?
GLORIA (ON COMMS)
In position.
SKIP
Spliff Foot Sue?
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (ON COMMS)
Standing by.
SKIP
Calamity?
CALAMITY MARY JANE (ON COMMS)
Ready and waitin’!
SKIP
McGrath, you covering the rear?
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
On it like brass on an ass.
SKIP
See, it IS fun! Alright, time check?
Bowden turns the volume up on a TV, we hears some light banter and laughs of a studio audience.
BOWDEN
Looks like Kelly and Mark are still doing light sexual innuendo over morning coffee - they haven’t even brought out the first guest yet.
SKIP
Perfect. Just enough time to do a dry run. Everyone, get into positions!
BOWDEN
You heard the man, PLACES!
Before they can go, the comms crackle to life
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (ON COMMS)
Mr. Granger, I got a whole caravan of cars headin’ this way! Looks like a pearl white Jeep Patriot!
GILLIGAN
That’s Willy!
ZELDA
He’s early!
SKIP
Annie, Bowden, Section Chief, get your positions! Gilligan, get ready to face Willy.
BOWDEN
Okay, I know they say bad dress rehearsal, great opening, but I don’t know about NO dress rehearsal!
SKIP
Bowden, there’s no time!
ZELDA
Everyone, let’s go! Good luck, Skip.
SKIP
Good luck, Chief.
Everyone shuffles out.
SKIP
McGrath, we’ve got invaders at the gate. You taking anything from behind?
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
No, all clear. But we’re going to have a long talk about word choice when this is over.
SKIP
I’m leaving all channels open so you can monitor.
SFX: TRANSITION
EXT. ROWDY ROACH DUDE RANCH MAIN STREET - CONTINUOUS
A herd of cars pull up to the town centre. Willy, Goggins, and a whole slew of background artist thugs get out of their cars.
WHITE WILLY
GILLIGAN! WHERE ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF!
Gilligan steps into the street.
GILLIGAN
You’re early, Willy. What happened to Mark and Kelly? Or can you just not tell time?
WHITE WILLY
IT’S A RERUN! Not even a good one! They interview Senator Karen Sanford-Bipps about her recipe for Mexican Mac and Cheese. I HATE WHEN SHOWS GET POLITICAL!
GOGGINS
He’s also not great with clocks, if we’re being honest.
WHITE WILLY
(To Goggins) Shut up.
(To Gilligan) So, Stuart, are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?
GILLIGAN
I’m not selling. This is my ranch, Willy, and I’ve got it plenty defended.
WHITE WILLY
Oh yeah, well, I brought a literal army. So you’ll be signing this land over to me today...even if I have to use your cold, dead hand to do it.
GILLIGAN
You just try it, White Willy.
Gilligan turns and starts to walk away.
WHITE WILLY
Is he...is he walking away from me?
GOGGINS
Well shee-it. He got a pair of brass ones on him after all.
WHITE WILLY
WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING THE WORD BRASS?
GOGGINS
Sorry, boss.
WHITE WILLY
Don’t be a fool, Gilligan! This means your dead! Do you hear me? DEAD!
GOGGINS
Crew bosses, ready for a fight?
A general murmur of consensus.
KYLE
I thought we were just gonna scare them. I don’t like it when plans change last minute.
BRYCE
I would have worn totally different shoes!
GOGGINS
It won’t take much. Just go growl some. Maybe kick in a door.
BRYCE
These are Paul Evans loafers!
KYLE
I’ll buy you new ones, Bryce!
GILLIGAN (Calling out)
Rowdy Roach Ranchers...attack!
With a whir of mechanical clanking and grinding, Bowden’s animatronic “defense system” comes to life.
WHITE WILLY
WHERE DID ALL THOSE PEOPLE COME FROM?
GOGGINS
He wasn’t joking! Every building in the town is full of people!
WHITE WILLY
And they got guns!
ANNIE DOPELY (Calling out from above)
Nobody takes our town, you hear? Sheriff’s station - fire!
A sudden barrage of gunshots! Which are really just firecrackers.
KYLE
Goggins, you dick, you said they wouldn’t be armed!
BRYCE
I can’t believe I’m missing Kelly and Mark for this!
CALAMITY MARY JANE (Calling out)
Librarians attack!
Another barrage of fake bullets and explosions!
KYLE
Librarians! They got book learning too? We can’t fight that!
SLUE FOOT SUZY (Calling out)
Barbers, let’s give these bullies a shave! Go for their handlebars!
KYLE
Not my ‘stache! Not my beautiful ‘stache!
BRYCE
Kyle, let’s get out of here! This is going to set my therapy back by months.
All the thugs agree, and start to get in their cars to leave.
WHITE WILLY
HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING! I PAID YOU TO BE THUGS! NOBODY ABANDONS WHITE WILLY!
The cowards all drive away. The cacophony of music, bullets, and the like continues.
GOGGINS
Boss, get down behind the car! We’ve been outgunned!
Goggins and Willy dive for cover.
WHITE WILLY
Goggins, you said they were just a bunch of accountants!!
GOGGINS
They are! You saw ‘em!
WHITE WILLY
You know what, Goggins, you’re right. I did see them.
Willy start to get up.
GOGGINS
Boss, get down! You’re gonna get shot!
WHITE WILLY
Am I? You got your binoculars in the car?
GOGGINS
Yeah.
WHITE WILLY
Give them to me.
Goggins opens the car door, grabs his binoculars and hands them to Willy.
GOGGINS
Whaddya see, boss?
WHITE WILLY
IT’S A FAKE!
GOGGINS
What?
WHITE WILLY
They’re not people! They’re brooms!
GOGGINS
Brooms?
WHITE WILLY
Brooms dressed like people! That son of a...he thinks he can pull a Sorcerer’s Apprentice on ME? Goggins, give me your gun.
GOGGINS
Boss?
WHITE WILLY
Give it!
Goggins hands him a revolver. Willy cocks it and starts shooting.
WHITE WILLY
GILLIGAN!!!!
TRANSITION
INT. RUSTY HORSESHOE SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Bullets are flying! Annie’s machine is sparking and going haywire.
SKIP
Annie, Bowden, do you copy? I’ve got an emergency here!
BOWDEN (ON COMMS)
I read you, Skip, but we’ve got troubles of our own. Willy’s seen through my spectacular stage effects and he’s shooting them up!
SKIP
I know! The junction box is going haywire!
TRANSITION
INT. SHERRIF’S STATION - CONTINUOUS
SKIP (ON COMMS)
I think I’ve lost control!
ANNIE DOPELY
I’ll try and come fix it. Bowden, you’ll have to cover me!
BOWDEN
With what? I don’t have a gun!
A bullet wizzes by Bo’s head.
BOWDEN
That was too close! Annie, we’ve got to get to higher ground.
Coms burst
GLORIA (ON COMMS)
Can anyone read me? Sue’s been shot!
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (ON COMMS)
It went clean through. I’ll be okay. Sure is a lot of blood though.
TRANSITION
INT. CHAPEL - CONTINUOUS
Bullets flying
ZELDA
We need to stop that lunatic’s shooting. I’m pinned down in here, does anyone have a bead on him?
CALAMITY MARY JANE (ON COMMS)
I can see him, but what am I supposed to do...throw a broom at him?
TRANSITION
INT. BARBER SHOP - CONTINUOUS
GLORIA
Just keep applying pressure to your wound, Sue. I’ll try and fashion a tourniquet.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Use the barber’s apron.
MACKENZIE (ON COMMS)
Gloria, what the hell is going on up there?
GLORIA
Stand by, McGrath. Things are a little hairy here at the moment.
TRANSITION
INT. SHERIFF'S STATION - CONTINUOUS
BOWDEN
Okay, I think we should try and make our way to the roof. Just stay low and don’t make yourself a target.
ANNIE DOPELY
No. I have to go down and get that dynamite! We don’t have any other way to stop him!
BOWDEN
Annie, wait!
But Anne runs down the stairs. We follow her until she gets to
EXT. ROWDY ROACH DUDE RANCH MAIN STREET - CONTINUOUS
White Willy grabs Annie as she comes out the door!
WHITE WILLY
Well, lookie here, a real person! Where do you think you’re going, little lady?
ANNIE DOPELY
Let go of me, you snake in the grass!
Bowden has come running after Annie.
BOWDEN
Let go of her you -
A gun cocks.
GOGGINS
Not another step.
WHITE WILLY
It really IS Bowden Montcrief! I’m a huge fan!
BOWDEN
Oh, well, always nice to meet a fan!
WHITE WILLY
Too bad I’m going to have to kill you.
BOWDEN
Why do ALL my fan interactions go this way?
WHITE WILLY
GILLIGAN! You thought I’d fall for a Battle Beyond the Stars scenario?
BOWDEN
Man. That’s another good one.
WHITE WILLY
Get out here! I’ve got a hostage! Get out here or the girl gets it.
GILLIGAN
I’m here, Willy.
WHITE WILLY
Good. Now, be reasonable or the girl gets it. Just sign over the land to me and we can all walk away happy.
ANNIE DOPELY
Don’t do it, Stewie. He doesn’t have the guts to do it. He’s just a real estate agent.
GILLIGAN
I think she’s right, Willy. You’re nothing but a yellow-bellied coward. A greedy casino developer who doesn’t have the guts to draw blood.
During Gilligan’s lines, we start to hear a faint hiss. Like a gas leak.
WHITE WILLY
Oh yeah? I’ll show you.
Willy cocks his gun and puts it to Annie’s head.
ANNIE DOPELY
Do it, you coward.
WHITE WILLY
Awwwwww dag nabbit. You’re right. I can’t shoot this innocent creature.
He uncocks the gun.
WHITE WILLY
Goggins, you do it.
GOGGINS
Gladly.
Goggins cocks his gun. A long, tense beat. And then...Goggins starts to giggle.
GOGGINS
You know, what I just realized?
WHITE WILLY (Staring to laugh himself)
What’s that?
GOGGINS
This whole thing was just A Bug’s Life! And we’re the grasshoppers!
WHITE WILLY
You’re Richard Kind!
Everyone is giggling now.
BOWDEN
Man, this plot really IS over used!
GOGGINS
You know what else? There’s so much open space out here. We could build a casino literally anywhere.
WHITE WILLY
Oh yeah. You’re right!
BOWDEN
So...truce?
WHITE WILLY
I can’t believe I’m talking to the boyfriend from “Acquaintances!” Say your catchphrase!
BOWDEN
I...don’t think I had one.
Willy and Goggins just crack up.
GILLIGAN
Annie, are you okay?
ANNIE DOPELY
Oh Stewie, I’m wonderful! Like I’ve never felt better in my whole life.
GILLIGAN
Me too!
GOGGINS
Me three!
Gloria and Sue come out.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
Me four! And I got shot through the arm!
GLORIA
I think we should get her to a doctor. (giggles) Or not. Whatever. Maybe later.
Zelda and Calamity come out. Everyone is laughing.
CALAMITY MARY JANE
Did we just try to fight an army off with brooms?
ZELDA
And I even said it was a good idea! I should probably retire!
Skip comes out, laughing.
SKIP (Blissed and giggly)
What’s everyone laughing about? Why am I laughing? What’s going on? I don’t understand!
GILLIGAN (Sniffs)
Wait a minute. I know that smell.
SPLIFF FOOT SUE (Sniffs)
Hydroponic indica sativa hybrid!
GLORIA
You mean?
GILLIGAN
It’s “Allergy Medication!”
Footsteps. It’s McGrath.
MACKENZIE
You’re welcome!
SKIP
McGrath, what did you do?
MACKENZIE
Skip, big news pal, this entire place is actually a front for Gilligan’s weed farm.
GILLIGAN
Guilty as charged!
MACKENZIE
When I heard everything was going south, I remembered what Gilligan said about every building being connected to the scent vents!
GLORIA
Miss McGrath...did you get us high?!?!
MACKENZIE
Good thing you didn’t take my trusty zippo! I set the crop a blaze and turned on the vents.
SKIP
I’M HIGH!?! OH NO!! Section Chief, I’m so sorry!
ZELDA
Don’t worry about it, Skip. You didn’t do it on purpose. Just...try and relax.
GILLIGAN
Wait, Miss McGrath, did you burn my ENTIRE crop?
MACKENZIE
No. Obviously I saved enough for me to take home.
GILLIGAN
But...if I can’t sell my crop...I can’t pay my mortage...and that means Willy wins!
WHITE WILLY
Aww hell, no. Son, I have a nose for premium hybrids and an even better nose for profits. Forget casinos! I wanna be in the Stuart Gilligan cannabis farm business!
GILLIGAN
You do? And the girls and I can keep the old west town attraction?
WHITE WILLY
Are you kidding me? There’s nothing a white frat boy likes more than getting high and indulging in some Val Kimler cosplay! Whaddya say, partner?
GILLIGAN
It’s a deal!
SKIP
I love a happy ending!
GILLIGAN
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my pot farm, Agent Granger. I don’t have all the paperwork approved yet, and I thought you wouldn’t help me if you knew.
SKIP
Isn’t pot farming legal in here?
GILLIGAN
It is.
SKIP
Then, grow with my blessings, Stuart! Just get that paperwork filed. Or better yet...let ME file the paperwork! I’ve never filed for a recreational drug growing permit before. It would feel so...subversive!
MACKENZIE
Oh my God. Skip is so high!
SKIP
Am not. Hey. Why do you have three arms, McGrath?
MACKENZIE
I DON’T KNOW BUT IT’S AWESOME.
WHITE WILLY
Say, partner, you think you could infuse this stuff into some bison chili?
GILLIGAN
I don’t see why not!
BOWDEN
So...that’s it then, we’re all just gonna walk away friends because we got high together once?
SPLIFF FOOT SUE
I mean, theoretically, when we sober up things could be different, but let’s just like, embrace the calm.
GLORIA
I like that. Embrace the calm. Bowden, sweetheart, come here. I wanna play with your spurs.
BOWDEN
Jingle jangle!
Gloria flicks the spur and it spins.
GLORIA
So satisfying.
SKIP
Does anyone have anything they need filed? Or alphabetized? I feel like I could organize all night!
MACKENZIE
I’ve created a monster.
MUSIC: RED RIVER VALLEY
CALAMITY MARY JANE (SINGS)
SO THAT IS THE END OF MY STORY
AND I WITH THAT WE MUST SAY OUR GOODBYE
DID ANY OF THIS REALLY HAPPEN?
I AIN’T SURE CAUSE I’M REAL FRIGGIN’ HIGH!
BOWDEN
That was a real sweet song, Calamity. Want a hit off my Oscar?
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
(Reads credits)
INT. SKIP & MCGRATH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Rustling of menus.
MACKENZIE
Chinese? Indian? Turkish Kabab? Lebanese Kabab? Rhode Island Kabab? Not too sure about that one. Tacos? Sushi? Skip, you know how indecisive I get when I’m hungry. If you don’t weigh in I’m going to order all of this.
SKIP
Fine. Pizza!
MACKENZIE
No, that just makes it worse! Thin crust? Pan? Deep dish? New York style? Detroit? Chicago? Sicilian!?
Ding dong!
MACKENZIE
Oh my God, have they finally invented precognitive take out?
Skip opens the door. It’s Athena.
ATHENA
Skip.
SKIP
Athena!
MACKENZIE
Athena?
ATHENA
Are you gonna invite me in or what?
SKIP
Yes, come in, come in! You look...
ATHENA
Stunning? Jaw dropping?
MACKENZIE
Insane.
ATHENA
But I make it work, don’t I?
MACKENZIE
Are you okay? I’m not half as close to my mom as you were to your dad and I know that if I lost her the way you lost Kristatos -
ATHENA
I’m fine. I’ve got a new friend. Meet Kermit.
Athena pulls a frog out of her pocket. He croaks.
SKIP
He’s...a frog.
ATHENA
A hyper intelligent assassin frog. I’m done with alpacas. That traitor Tomas is the first on my hit list.
MACKENZIE
Yeah. You’re clearly doing great.
ATHENA
Come on, McGrath, buy me a drink at Scalawags.
MACKENZIE
The new pirate themed restaurant on the pier? YES! Skip, our dinner problem is solved!
SKIP
Pirates? No thanks. Too spooky. Enjoy. I’m going to enjoy a pleasant night of not writing up a mission. Have fun.
Skip goes off.
MACKENZIE
What a minute, that’s weird. Skip’s been wanting to try that pirate restaurant for months. And you normally wouldn’t be caught dead there! What’s going on?
ATHENA
I just needed confirmation of my suspicions. You’re going to have a hard time hearing this, but I think it’s better to just rip off the Band-Aid. That’s not Skip Granger.
MACKENZIE
Okay, now I know you’re insane.
ATHENA
Listen to me. Ever since we came back from New Atlantis, I have been working on something BIG - and you just gave me the last piece of the puzzle.
MACKENZIE
You’re sounding weirder than Skip right now.
ATHENA
That’s my point. Skip Granger...is a clone.
MUSIC: STINGER
END OF EPISODE