Season Six, Episode Three: Never Say Next Day Again
Transcript
EXT. CITY RESTAURANT - DAY
The MISSION VOICE is having lunch at an outdoor cafe, living her best life. She’s on the phone.
MISSION VOICE
...their people are calling me day in and day out. I don’t know what I have to say to make Steven Colbert understand that I’m not interested. I don’t even play the guitar. So aggressive.
(to the waiter)
Garçon! Another mimosa! Merci!
(back)
No, I’m on my lunch break. Have you been to this new sushi joint? They built it on the ashes of the one that mysteriously burned down while I was provably out of town. The nigiri is to die...for...?
A DRONE hovers up to the table and lands.
MISSION VOICE
...I’m gonna call you back.
(beep)
All right, little fella. I don’t see a mimosa in your robotic talons, so I’m assuming they haven’t automated the waitstaff.
The WHINE of a speaker.
CHET (ON THE DRONE SPEAKER)
Good morning, you old sour puss!
MISSION VOICE
Are you kidding me?
CHET (ON THE DRONE SPEAKER)
I want my mission, and I choose to accept it.
MISSION VOICE
Is this a two-way speaker?
(leaning in)
If you’re going to ruin my lunch, do it like a man and come down in person.
CHET (ON THE DRONE SPEAKER)
I’m not going to risk being seen out in the open with -
She SMASHES the drone against the table.
MISSION VOICE
Garçon! My table is suddenly covered in mechanical debris. Could you please have someone take care of it?
Chet runs in.
CHET
Okay fine we can talk for like five minutes.
MISSION VOICE
Do you work here, Mister ex-President? I thought you were the janitor.
CHET
Chet Phillips goes wherever the action is!
MISSION VOICE
Refill my water?
CHET
Sure, here.
(he does)
Look, you of all people know that the EMF needs help! There are targets on their backs!
MISSION VOICE
What else is new?
CHET
Whitmire is an ex-felon who tried to kill them all, now he’s their boss again!
MISSION VOICE
You’re spilling.
CHET
Jesus, sorry.
MISSION VOICE
Phillips. Just retire.
CHET
No.
MISSION VOICE
The world will struggle on without you, somehow. I promise.
CHET
Listen: weird things are happening.
MISSION VOICE
Such as?
Chet plays a tape recorder.
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
I have been working on something BIG - and you just gave me the last piece of the puzzle.
MCGRATH (ON TAPE)
You’re sounding weirder than Skip right now.
ATHENA (ON TAPE)
That’s my point. Skip Granger...is a clone.
Click.
MISSION VOICE
Where did you get that?
CHET
I got a frog on the inside.
MISSION VOICE
I’m not even going to try to decipher that.
CHET
I’ve been in the spy game long enough to know when a storm is coming. I need an ally.
MISSION VOICE
And you think that’s me.
CHET
You came out of your little recording studio to defend Granger in a murder trial. If you were really the moral relativist you pretend to be, you’d never have done that. I need you to pick a side and stand up for something.
MISSION VOICE
...I might be able to scrounge up some information for you.
CHET
Now you’re talking, partner.
MISSION VOICE
Do not call me “partner”.
CHET
Understood.
MISSION VOICE
Do not call me, period. I will drop a recording in your janitor’s bucket when I have something for you. Do you accept?
CHET
I accept.
MISSION VOICE
Good.
(beat)
Now wipe down the table and refresh my drink. Garçon.
THEME SONG!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Never Say Next Day Again”.
EXT. MILITARY BASE - NIGHT
The flicker of a match; a thermite reaction begins.
SNODGRASS
Don’t look directly at the light, now! The thermite will undergo a reduction-oxidation reaction, producing elemental iron and aluminum oxide.
LUCKY
Look, Doctor Snodgrass! Who’s the brains of this operation?
SNODGRASS (sighs)
According to the terms of my very lucrative employment contract, I am forced to say...you.
LUCKY
That’s right!
SNODGRASS
Anyway, we’ll burn right through this fence and then we will have our jet fuel components!
ARCADIA
I told you this would be our night. The aspect of Venus was extremely favorable in the second house. Never doubt Arcadia Terpsichore!
SNODGRASS
Miss Lessmacher, why did you bring this woman to our heist?
LUCKY
She’s good at star stuff. Just like you.
SNODGRASS
She’s an ASTROLOGER. I’m an ASTROPHYSICIST. You do understand the difference between astronomy and astrology?
ARCADIA
My job pays better.
SNODGRASS
Well, you got me there.
LUCKY
Knock it off, henchpeople! I spent years henching! Put your time in and then you get to boss other people around!
SNODGRASS AND ARCADIA
Yes, ma’am.
SNODGRASS
That should be it, the thermite has burned through -
LUCKY
HIYA!
SNODGRASS
Gah!
Lucky kicks through the fence.
LUCKY
Yeah, science! Let’s go, henchers!
EVERYBODY climbs through the fences and starts noisily sneaking into the hangar.
LUCKY
We’re in! Snodgrass and Arcadia, you get the fuel. I’ll power up the VTOL aircraft for our big escape!
SNODGRASS
What possible expertise does SHE have in selecting jet fuel?
LUCKY
Colors.
SNODGRASS
COLORS?!?
ARCADIA
We need to know which compounds will work best as foundation! Trust me, sweetie, I know my Maybelline.
SNODGRASS
I thought you hired me to reverse engineer designer rocket fuel, not make beauty products!
LUCKY
Why can’t they be both?
SNODGRASS
WHHH
LUCKY
I call it COSMetics! I’m gonna sell it as a complete makeup solution, which doubles as fuel for missile-based weapons! That why you’re perfect, you’re a cosmos guy.
SNODGRASS
Again, you realize there’s a difference between cosmOLogy and cosmeTOLOgy, right?
LUCKY
What are you, some kinda entomologist?
SNODGRASS
(GROAN)
ARCADIA
Relax, Snodgrass. Everything will be fine. Venus is ascending -
A batch of canisters topple nearby -
GLORIA
- but you’re going down!
LUCKY
Kovak!
Gloria ROUNDHOUSE KICKS Arcadia and drops her!
LUCKY
Grab the jet fuel and run!
SNODGRASS
Okay I’ll...wait...this jet fuel is made of peanut butter?
LUCKY (knocking over the jet)
Gah! This jet is made of cardboard!
The HANGER SOUNDS slow to a stop. A PA system WHINES to life.
MCGRATH (ON PA)
The whole hangar is made of cardboard, actually.
SNODGRASS
Oh god, not another simulation!
GLORIA
That’s right, Lucky! We constructed this entire facility out of cardboard and led you right to it!
The cardboard walls collapse.
PICKLE
Whoops.
MCGRATH (right next to her)
Welp, it lasted just as long as it needed to.
LUCKY
This is entrapment! You can’t entrap people in Texas!
PICKLE
Actually, you’re not in Texas.
SNODGRASS
Wait, who are you?
PICKLE
I’m the team cartographer! You’re actually in Stanton, Mississippi.
SNODGRASS (to Lucky)
YOU DROVE US HERE! How did you miss by an entire state?!?
LUCKY
I Google-mapped the directions!
MCGRATH
Yeah, look at your phone again.
LUCKY
I...Goggle-mapped the directions?
MCGRATH
That’s right, I slapped you with a crap map app.
PICKLE
It was very distressing helping you to create that. I need a shower.
GLORIA
The facility you’re looking for is a hundred and fifty miles west of here!
LUCKY
Snodgrass! Why didn’t your star charts tell us this was gonna happen?
ARCADIA (barely conscious)
Mercury is in retrograde...
SNODGRASS
Can you just shoot us now, please?
GLORIA
On the ground!
PICKLE
I’m already on the ground!
GLORIA
Not you, Pickle, them!
PICKLE
Oh! Yes. Sorry!
Lucky and Snodgrass reluctantly get on the ground while Pickle reluctantly orders them around.
GLORIA
Well done, Agent McGrath. That was a hard night’s work.
MCGRATH
It would have been easier building an entire fake military base with more than three of us.
GLORIA
It’s funny, I wouldn’t have thought Skip would...skip...a mission like this. It’s not like him.
MCGRATH (darker)
True.
GLORIA
Are you all right?
MCGRATH
Um...about Skip -
GLORIA
Skip!
MCGRATH
Yeah Skip.
GLORIA
No, Skip!
SKIP (from a distance)
Gloria! McGrath!
Gloria and McGrath yelp as Bowden drives up with Skip in the passenger’s seat. Bowden is apparently on the phone -
BOWDEN (on phone, frustrated)
- next day delivery!
(thump)
Oh my god! Did I hit Doctor Pickle?
PICKLE (face down)
Nope, sorry! Just slipped on Miss Lechmacher here!
LUCKY
You’re heavy!
SNODGRASS (crushed)
I’m on the bottom!
BOWDEN
Thank god.
(back to the phone)
Nonono! Cancel! Cancel it like Gina Carano! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.
GLORIA
Bowden, what are you doing here? With my car?
SKIP
No time to explain, get in!
MCGRATH
We’re in the middle of a mission!
GLORIA
Well, the end of a mission -
SKIP
New mission! Must go now!
GLORIA
We’ve got prisoners!
SKIP
We brought Mini-McGrath! She’ll cuff and guard them while the authorities are on their way!
MINI-MCGRATH
Hi Mom!
MCGRATH
What? You brought her here? She’s never left the apartment!
MINI-MCGRATH
Do I get a gun?
SKIP
Now, Gloria!
GLORIA
All right, c’mon, Agent McGrath, Doctor Pickle!
MCGRATH
Sure...
PICKLE
Coming! Oof!
They jump into the back of the car and Bowden floors it.
SNODGRASS
Wait you can’t just leave us here with this robot!
MINI-MCGRATH
What we have here is a failure to communicate!
They leave the prisoners behind.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
BOWDEN (still on the phone)
I don’t see...well maybe I am Jeff Bezos’s mother!
SKIP
Bowden! Where’s the slide projector?
BOWDEN (to the phone)
Hang on.
(to Skip)
Check the glove compartment.
(to the phone)
No not you!
GLORIA
Bowden, don’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time!
SKIP
She’s right, Bowden. Let me drive.
BOWDEN
Oop okay -
MCGRATH
SKIP ARE YOU CRAZY?
SKIP
We’re fine, we’ll just switch.
GLORIA
STOP THE CAR FIRST
SKIP
No time!
Skip and Bowden switch positions while the car remains in motion, with the ladies in the back seat protesting.
SKIP
There! We’re fine.
BOWDEN
Oh for crying out loud, now I’m on hold.
MCGRATH
Skip how many coffees have you had today??
SKIP
Zero! Doctor Pickle, take the projector.
PICKLE
Certainly WHOOP
GLORIA
I got it!
MCGRATH
Jesus Pickle!
PICKLE
Sorry!
GLORIA
Not a problem! This is loaded, Skip?
SKIP
Yes, so be very careful with it!
MCGRATH
Oh, WE be very careful?
Gloria TURNS ON the mini-projector.
PICKLE
Wow, Agent Kovak, your car seat upholstery makes a better projector screen than you’d think!
SKIP
Pictured here -
MCGRATH AND GLORIA
EYES ON THE ROAD SKIP.
SKIP (vaguely)
Pictured...there! you’ll see Ellington Field Joint Reserve Air Force Base just outside of Houston, Texas.
GLORIA
Are we going there now?
SKIP
No, it’s too late for that. Next slide!
(slide changes)
You should now see a pictured residence at 529 Harrington Court in Mars Hill, Alabama.
MCGRATH
Are we going...there now?
SKIP
Five hours ago an inebriated civilian living at that residence placed an overnight delivery order using an Amazon Alexa.
MCGRATH
Oh my god the suspense.
SKIP
Unfortunately the voice recognition software garbled the message, and...successfully placed an online order for a thermonuclear warhead.
GLORIA AND MCGRATH AND PICKLE
WHAT?!?!?!
BOWDEN (to the phone, under Skip)
Hello, yes! Don’t hang up! Did you hang up? Did you hang up?
SKIP
So our mission - next slide - is to intercept the delivery truck en route and recover the warhead somewhere on the historic Natchez Trace Parkway between Stanton Mississippi and Mars Hill Alabama.
He switches off the projector.
SKIP
Bowden, what’s our progress?
BOWDEN
I think they hung up.
GLORIA
Skip? Is that it?
SKIP
Hm?
GLORIA
Was that the whole presentation?
SKIP
Oh! Do you have any questions?
GLORIA AND MCGRATH AND PICKLE
YES.
MCGRATH
How the everliving fraggle do you order a nuke through Amazon?
GLORIA
How was Amazon’s warehouse able to get their hands on a warhead?
SKIP
Due to federal budget concerns, Amazon was allowed to build a warehouse at the Air Force base. This particular order was...a glitch in the ordering system.
MCGRATH
Ya think?!?
BOWDEN
Amazon’s customer service says we can’t cancel an order once it’s out for delivery.
MCGRATH
Shouldn’t the military be after this nuke?
SKIP
Nope! The number of people in the know about this event must be kept to an absolute minimum.
MCGRATH
Why?
SKIP
The information could leak to bad actors looking to easily steal the device, and the embarrassment to our military -
BOWDEN
TRUCK.
SKIP
I’ll go around.
GLORIA
NO DON’T PASS HIM SKIP IT’S A TWO LANE ROAD
He does anyway, while everyone screams. A moment of recovery.
BOWDEN
Gloria do we still have the air sickness bands?
GLORIA
I got em here.
BOWDEN
Thank you.
MCGRATH
Why us, Skip?
SKIP
We were in the area.
MCGRATH
So our usual dumb luck.
GLORIA
Skip, the Natchez Trace is monitored by the National Park Service. We’re going a little fast.
SKIP
It can’t be helped, Gloria! Our target is averaging 70 miles per hour.
GLORIA
But then won’t the authorities -
SKIP
Amazon-friendly lawmakers in Alabama and Mississippi have exempted Amazon overnight delivery trucks from all traffic statutes.
MCGRATH
Then let’s just call the driver! Say we’re the home office and order them to stop!
SKIP
This particular Amazon truck is one of Amazon’s self-driving vehicles.
GLORIA
Does every complication in this mission include the word “Amazon”?
BOWDEN
Shh! Amazon might be listening!
MCGRATH
What do you care?
BOWDEN
They might want me for their “War of the Worlds” sequel!
MCGRATH
Are you that desperate?
BOWDEN
No...maybe...
SKIP
Look, the entire delivery process was automated, from warehouse to customer, which does work in our favor.
MCGRATH
How?!?
SKIP
No human being at Amazon is aware of the payload on that truck. Not a soul outside the EMF, Ellington’s quartermaster, and five top intelligence officials know about this debacle. We’ll snatch the warhead, let the truck continue on its way, and none will be the wiser.
GLORIA
Skip, I know a nuclear warhead has many safeguards, but...what are the chances it detonates?
SKIP
Theoretically, almost zero...
MCGRATH
...but Amazon...
SKIP
...but Amazon’s drones on the truck will try to deliver directly to doorstep and the attempt to unpack it has a thirty percent chance of setting it off.
MCGRATH AND GLORIA
Jesus.
SKIP
We can count ourselves fortunate that it didn’t explode when the drones loaded it onto the truck.
A short ALERT from someone’s phone.
SKIP
What was that?
MCGRATH
That’s my phone saying there’s cops in the area. Maybe Amazon can break the law but I guess we can’t.
PICKLE
Agent Granger? There’s a parallel road up coming up on the left that might avoid the authorities.
SKIP
On the left...
GLORIA
Maybe I should drive.
SKIP
Yes! That’s a more efficient use of resources.
GLORIA
Can we stop the car?
SKIP
No! This car cannot afford to stop for even a moment! We’ll just have to switch as we go! Bowden, to the back!
GLORIA
Skip, this is very very counter to the rules of the road -
Skip, Gloria, and Bowden very awkwardly and dangerously switch seats. McGrath and Pickle are terrified, Bowden and Gloria enjoy themselves a little too much, and Skip makes various assessment noises.
GLORIA
Whoo!
BOWDEN
There we go!
MCGRATH (a little subdued)
Shove over, Bowden, you take up too much space.
BOWDEN (quietly)
All right. Are you okay?
MCGRATH (hiding something)
Fine.
SKIP
Doctor Pickle, I’ll need you to keep us on course!
PICKLE
Uh...very good! Ah, Gloria? Take the next right...
THE CAR DRIVES ON. TIME PASSES.
Bowden is SNORING. Pickle gives directions.
PICKLE
...and we should be off the radar for the next thirty miles.
SKIP
Excellent.
GLORIA (super tired)
Sounds great!
MCGRATH
Gloria, I’m terrified to ask, but do you need to switch drivers?
GLORIA
Nope!
MCGRATH
Any tricks on getting your husband to stop snoring?
GLORIA
Also nope!
SKIP
McGrath? Any luck breaking into the Amazon’s driver system remotely?
MCGRATH
No. It’s a mess of really powerful security and really indescribable choices. I don’t think we’re hacking this truck, Skip.
SKIP
Shit. Isn’t there anything you can do?
MCGRATH
...I might be able to call in a favor -
SKIP
Do it.
MCGRATH
You’re just straight up authorizing me? Without knowing who I’m going to call?
SKIP
Yes I trust you.
MCGRATH
Okay.
GLORIA
Nope!
MCGRATH
Gloria you’re gonna fall asleep at the wheel.
GLORIA
Will not!
SKIP
Gloria, McGrath’s right, switch with me -
GLORIA
Should I pull over?
SKIP
No time!
A bit of chaos erupts in the front seat. Between the noise of Bowden snoring and the driver switch, McGrath manages a surreptitious phone call.
MCGRATH (under her breath)
All right...calling in a favor...
FROG (ON THE PHONE)
<croak>
MCGRATH
The hell?
FROG (ON THE PHONE)
<croak>
MCGRATH (quickly and quietly)
Oh my god it’s me so if you’re listening and your frog secretary isn’t gonna patch me through or whatever -
A click on the line.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Yeah? What?
MCGRATH
Okay maybe this was a bad idea.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
What is that noise, a boat engine?
Bowden is snoring way too loud.
MCGRATH
It’s...my audio screen, it’s masking this call.
FROG (ON THE PHONE)
<croak>
MCGRATH
Look can I ask a favor and get off the line because it sounds like we’re having a conversation during a screening of Apocalypse Now.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
What’s the favor?
MCGRATH
I need a backdoor into Amazon’s AI.
ATHENA
Not possible.
MCGRATH
Really?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
That AI system’s bizarrely unhackable. Never figured out why.
MCGRATH
And that doesn’t burn you?
ATHENA
I have more important things to worry about.
MCGRATH
...yeah about that...
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
You mean about Granger being a clone?
MCGRATH
...yeah.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Well you said I was drunk and threw me out of the apartment so -
MCGRATH
Can you blame me? Besides, I was kinda high too.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
What changed?
MCGRATH
...I...
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Are you noticing the discrepancies in his behavior?
MCGRATH
I need evidence.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Did Doctor Klutzy VonPaperwork tell you what time Skip came home after looking for us at sea?
PICKLE
SORRY
Pickle somehow spills paperwork all over the backseat and crushes McGrath’s toes.
MCGRATH
RRRRGH.
(recovers)
Haven’t seen her.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
His own court documents say he arrived back in town at 11:57 PM on December 26th. Pickle sees him enter your apartment at 12:47 in the afternoon the next day.
MCGRATH
How do you know that?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
I have my ways. How does Skip account for that time?
MCGRATH
He told me he walked home, went to places that reminded him of us...you know, the arcade bar...the new sushi place...the zoo -
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
The zoo?
MCGRATH
He reads all the placards while I mock the elephants.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
A likely story.
MCGRATH
Look, there’s no cloning tech anymore, who could have -
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
All the Underground Immortals cloning technology is still down in the smoking ruins of Terry’s labs.
MCGRATH
We overloaded and destroyed it!
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
Did you see it destroyed?
MCGRATH
...no...
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
There are plenty of people - OG, Whitmire, Ellie Mae Sederstrom - who have motivations to clone Skip. Some...grosser than others.
MCGRATH
You still haven’t given me a scrap of evidence.
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
In the courtroom, did you see the back of his neck?
MCGRATH
How often do you think I stare at the back of Skip’s neck?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
He’s got a tattoo. Zero-zero-two.
MCGRATH
A tattoo?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
The Admiral was clone number zero-zero-one. Look under Skip’s collar.
MCGRATH
Okay, what’s this to you?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
If someone replaced Skip Granger with a clone, then we have to figure out what their endgame is. It might not even know it’s a clone.
SKIP
Any luck, McGrath?
ATHENA (ON THE PHONE)
It might be programmed to act -
MCGRATH (to Athena)
Gotta go.
(she hangs up)
No, it was a dead end.
SKIP
Shh!
MCGRATH
What?
SKIP
Gloria’s asleep.
GLORIA
<snore>
MCGRATH
Jeez, they’re a pair, aren’t they?
PICKLE
Agent Granger, if the truck is taking the most direct route it will have to cross the river at Georgetown at approximately 3:41.
SKIP
Excellent! We’ll stay on this road and have the fuel meet us near Tupelo.
MCGRATH
The fuel?
SKIP
I called in a team to fuel us up in transit.
MCGRATH
...I have so many questions, but I’m gonna go with...isn’t that illegal, Skip?
SKIP
Y...es? And?
MCGRATH
You once considered letting a fugitive get away because we didn’t have a proper license plate.
SKIP
We will do what we must to ensure the safety of each and every Mississippi-ite and Alabamaperson.
MCGRATH
...Cool. Cool cool cool...
THE CAR DRIVES ON.
The roar of TRUCK ENGINE as they pass by. You can barely hear it over the roar of GLORIA and BOWDEN’S TANDEM SNORING.
PICKLE
- we could cut potentially them off near Tishomingo -
MCGRATH
Skip? You’re passing this jackass on the right?
SKIP
Gotta keep moving McGRATH
HOOOOOOONK.
GLORIA
WHAT? I’M A PI!
BOWDEN
NO I WON’T SHARE A TRAILER!
SKIP
We’re fine!
(friendly, out the window)
My fault! Sorry about that!
GLORIA
Should I drive again?
SKIP
No thank you! I’m perfectly capable of driving!
BOWDEN
Without antagonizing the other drivers on the road?
MCGRATH
Oh, we’ve already passed several long haulers who may have sworn vendettas against him.
SKIP
That’s an exaggeration! We’re passing through Mississippi like a ghost.
MCGRATH
Skip there are thirty angry motorcyclists coming up behind us.
SKIP
Really?
MCGRATH
Did you start a gang war?
SKIP
No, that’s perfect! It’s our fuel.
GLORIA
We’re getting refueled in-motion by a motorcycle gang?
BOWDEN
Hold on, is that -
SKIP
Dr. Pickle, the C.B. radio.
PICKLE (picking up the C.B.)
This is S-B-niner.
QUITERIA (ON CB)
This is Penguin Patrol, mija!
MCGRATH
Oh for god sakes, Skip, did you call in Sister Quiteria and her stunt-biking nuns?
QUITERIA (ON CB)
Sister Rosalind Franklin! Good to hear you! But you should use road lingo on the radio!
MCGRATH
Stick your S-B-niner up your exhaust pipe, Penguin Patrol!
PRUDENCE (ON CB)
My goodness! You’re lucky you’re not within ruler-distance, Sister!
SKIP
Penguin Patrol, mash your motor in the hammer lane before we got a bear in our back pocket!
QUITERIA
Roger that!
GLORIA
Sister, are you capable of refueling us at 80 miles per hour?
QUITERIA (ON CB)
You never know till you try!
PRUDENCE (ON CB)
Formation, sisters!
SKIP
I’ll talk you through this, Penguin Patrol. Dr. Pickle, take the wheel.
PICKLE
Oh, I, uh -
Pickle, Skip, and Gloria rotate places, and then Skip instructs Quiteria on the CB. In the back seat, a quiet conversation starts:
BOWDEN
Well at least we caught some well-needed shut-eye.
MCGRATH
You two need to go to the doctor for sleep apnea.
GLORIA
Jeez.
BOWDEN
Are you all right?
MCGRATH
Fine.
BOWDEN
You’re staring at the back of Skip’s neck very intensely.
MCGRATH
What? No I’m not!
BOWDEN
It’s a sign of exhaustion. You should take a sleep shift, McGrath. If there’s anything Jennifer Lopez taught me it’s that a good night’s sleep -
MCGRATH (hissing whisper)
Okay Bowden shut up!
GLORIA
What is wrong with you?
MCGRATH
Bowden I...I need your...talents.
BOWDEN
That’s maybe the most terrifying thing you’ve ever said to me.
GLORIA
It’s very awkward to be riding middle seat between your husband and female best friend while they have this conversation.
MCGRATH
Jesus you two need several different kinds of doctors.
BOWDEN
Well, what do you need from me, have you written a play?
MCGRATH
No! You...notice things about ...human behavior...
GLORIA
Getting more awkward.
MCGRATH
Ew, Gloria, shut up! Bowden, have you...noticed...Skip acting weird?
BOWDEN
Oh my god, I thought I was going crazy.
MCGRATH
You have?
GLORIA
You have?!?
BOWDEN
C’mon, sweetie, how easily did he hand the Lessmacher mission over to you?
MCGRATH
You notice he let me make a call without demanding an explanation OR paperwork? And he cursed?
BOWDEN
And what is he wearing right now? A reversible blazer?
MCGRATH
With the collar up, covering his neck? And remember Colorado?
BOWDEN
He was pretty cool about letting Gilligan skirt the edge of the law.
MCGRATH
He called zoning boards “the enemy of the little guy”!
GLORIA
These are problems?
MCGRATH
They’re not problems they’re... anomalies.
GLORIA
Amounting to what?
MCGRATH
I...don’t wanna say. You’d think I was crazy.
GLORIA
Well, let’s just ask him!
MCGRATH
No!
GLORIA
Look, whatever you two think is going on here, it’s just Skip! We trust him, right?
BOWDEN
Right...McGrath?
MCGRATH
...I -
GLORIA
You don’t think we can trust Skip?!?
MCGRATH
I don’t know!
GLORIA
Because he is about to lead his team - us! - to seize control of a nuclear warhead!
Dead silence.
MCGRATH
Oh shit how I not think about that until just now?
BOWDEN
Wait is SKIP a danger to this mission?
GLORIA
No, I refuse to believe -
SKIP
There it is!
MCGRATH AND BOWDEN AND GLORIA
AAAA
SKIP
Whoops! Everything all right back there?
MCGRATH AND BOWDEN AND GLORIA
NO PROBLEM!
SKIP
Well get ready for action! We’ve got the big blue smile in our sights!
GLORIA
I see it! Punch it Pickle!
BOWDEN
Wait Skip you didn’t even tell us the plan!
SKIP
Yes the plan! Gloria you drive.
MCGRATH
Oh god not again
The worst seat exchange yet happens while everyone climbs over everyone else and Pickle falls headfirst into the backseat.
PICKLE (muffled)
I’m okay!
MCGRATH
What are we doing, Skip?
SKIP (on the radio)
Penguin Patrol? Let’s pull off a stunt!
QUITERIA (ON CB)
About time!
SKIP
Gloria get us close up to the rear of the truck.
GLORIA
Yessir.
MCGRATH
Skip are we gonna run this nuclear weapon off the road?
SKIP
Of course not.
MCGRATH
And you know I can’t hack the truck or make it stop or slow down.
SKIP
Right.
MCGRATH
...we’re gonna jump from this car to that truck going 80 miles an hour, aren’t we.
SKIP
Not “jump”. More like...climb.
MCGRATH
And when you say, “we”...
SKIP
I mean me.
MCGRATH
Wait, what?
SKIP
And you.
MCGRATH
WAIT WHAT?
GLORIA
Not to countermand you, Agent Granger, but...shouldn’t I board the truck?
SKIP
No. When we board the truck the car is going to have to remain inches behind without bumping it, and you are the best driver.
MCGRATH
I mean I’m a pretty good driver, why don’t I -
SKIP
McGrath, you’re going to have to reprogram the automatic driver onboard the Amazon truck.
MCGRATH
Skip, you think you and me are gonna Follow-That-Bird our way onto a moving truck? We’ve messed up climbing through a window! We once tried to serve dinner and ended up hunted down by crabs!
SKIP
Desperate times, McGrath! Let’s go!
Skip OPENS THE DOOR. The highway ROARS PAST.
MCGRATH
Right now?
SKIP
Right up the rear, Gloria!
GLORIA
Okay Skip!
She speeds up.
SKIP
Open your door McGrath! We’re going to climb up onto the roof and down onto the hood.
MCGRATH
Skip this is insane!
SKIP
McGrath. You are capable of doing this! Trust me!
Skip climbs out onto the roof. He stumbles a little -
MCGRATH
Skip be careful!
SKIP
I’m okay I’m okay! I made it! Your turn, McGrath!
MCGRATH
Okay...
She opens her door and tries not to freak out.
SKIP
Doctor Pickle, spot her -
MCGRATH
NO. I’ll do it myself.
SKIP
McGrath are you sure -
MCGRATH
Skip, Pickle is absolutely going to fall out of the car and under the wheels! No offense, Pickle.
PICKLE
None taken, I was just picturing the exact same thing.
SKIP
Okay, c’mon, on the count of three!
MCGRATH
Five!
SKIP
Fine, five!
MCGRATH
Okay. One. Two. Three. Four.
BOWDEN
Five-oh!
MCGRATH
Five what?
GLORIA
It’s the police!
Sirens WHOOP BEHIND THEM.
MCGRATH
Shit!
HIGHWAY OFFICER (ON BULLHORN)
PULL OVER.
SKIP
Dammit!
(calls out)
Quiteria, scatter!
QUITERIA
MARK 14:50, LADIES!
The motorbikes SCATTER everywhere! Several police cars pull off and chase them!
GLORIA
Skip, get down from there!
SKIP
No! It’s our one chance, get us close Gloria!
MCGRATH
Gloria, don’t!
SKIP
That’s an order Agent Kovak!
GLORIA
Oh jeez!
MCGRATH
Gloria no!
She REVVS the engine -
- the brakes squeal -
- and SKIP LEAPS OFF INTO SPACE!
MCGRATH
SKIP!
CLANG! Skip hits the back of the truck.
BOWDEN
What happened is he okay?!?
SKIP (distant)
I made it!
GLORIA
He’s okay he caught the back of the truck!
MCGRATH
He’s hanging on!
GLORIA
Shoot.
CLICK as Gloria turns off the headlights.
MCGRATH
What are you doing turn on your lights!
GLORIA
The police will see Skip! We have to lose them!
BOWDEN
How?
GLORIA
Hang on I’m doing a 180.
MCGRATH
No wait we can’t leave SKIIIP
Gloria executes a 180 degree turn! Sirens are still behind them!
BOWDEN
Darling, we’ll get you on the set on a Fast and Furious movie yet.
MCGRATH
What are you doing, you’re just gonna leave Skip alone?
GLORIA
We’re distracting the police while he’s completing the mission!
MCGRATH
Did you hear nothing I said -
BOWDEN
DEER.
GLORIA
Yes darling?
BOWDEN
NOPE THERE’S A DEER IN THE ROAD
GLORIA
CRAP
Everyone SCREAMS -
- and the CAR DRIVES INTO A DITCH.
Silence. Then the WHOOP WHOOP of the police siren.
GLORIA
Everyone okay?
MCGRATH
Eh you know, I’ve gone to jail before, Gloria, how are you?
BOWDEN
Where’s Pickle?
MCGRATH
Knowing her she probably fell out!
PICKLE (muffled)
I’m here!
GLORIA
Where?
PICKLE
I’m under the passenger seat.
MCGRATH
Great. Stay there.
PICKLE
Staying here, thank you.
MCGRATH
Gloria, drive.
GLORIA
What? The police are right there!
HIGHWAY OFFICER (BULLHORN)
Please step out of the car and do not make a break for it.
MCGRATH
We gotta go back for Skip.
GLORIA
No!
MCGRATH (grabbing for the keys)
Then I will.
GLORIA
No! Doctor Pickle, take the keys!
PICKLE
Um, okay!
Gloria drops the keys into Pickle’s hand.
MCGRATH
Gloria, Skip is -
GLORIA
Skip is securing the nuke. We’ll stay here and be detained, and trust him. Unless you can give me a solid reason not to, Agent McGrath?
MCGRATH
I...you’d never believe me.
HIGHWAY OFFICER (BULLHORN)
Step out of the vehicle!
BOWDEN
Ladies! We need disguises now.
GLORIA
Mackenzie, print some SnapFaces.
MCGRATH
But -
GLORIA
NOW.
MCGRATH
Fine.
GLORIA
You’ve got thirty seconds so it’s whatever you’ve got.
HIGHWAY OFFICER (ON BULLHORN)
Step out -
BOWDEN
I’m coming! Just a minute!
MCGRATH
Uhhhh oh great okay Bowden get ready to do a voice.
The SNAPFACE PRINTS.
BOWDEN
Wait whose face is that?
MCGRATH (showing the mask)
Here you go.
BOWDEN
Wh - seriously? This is best the mask you could come up with?
MCGRATH
Put it on! Do his voice!
BOWDEN
Oh my god.
Bowden puts on the mask and steps out of the car.
HIGHWAY OFFICER (OUTSIDE)
Sir can I see some WHOA WHOA WHOA.
CHET (BOWDEN) (OUTSIDE)
Hi!
HIGHWAY OFFICER (OUTSIDE)
Well I’ll be a Mississippi magnolia! President Phillips!
CHET (BOWDEN) (OUTSIDE)
No, no, just ex-president. Nobody even voted for me! Taking a little night drive.
GLORIA
I need a mask, Mackenzie!
MCGRATH
Take it!
PICKLE
What about me?
MCGRATH
Stay down and stay in the fricking car!
HIGHWAY OFFICER (OUTSIDE)
I’m...wow, Mister President -
BOWDEN (OUTSIDE)
Please, call me Chester. All my many police friends do.
Gloria and McGrath roll out of the car.
GLORIA (trying her best Whitmire)
And, eh, I’m, eh, Secretary of Defense Whitmire! All hail me! Haha! Something raunchy and infidelitous!
MCGRATH (Security Guy)
And, uh, I’m their Secret Service Security Guy!
HIGHWAY OFFICER
Well, by golly, Mister President, I uh. I’m really sorry but you were going well, and I do mean well, over the speed limit.
CHET (BOWDEN)
Sure sure! Write me up and I’ll be on my way.
HIGHWAY OFFICER
Can I see your license, Mister President?
CHET (BOWDEN)
...my license. Right. I mean...do you really need my license? You recognize my face, right?
HIGHWAY OFFICER
Of course, Mister President, I uh, but I uh...look, I really need to see it.
MCGRATH (still Security Guy)
I’ll get it, Mister President!
GLORIA (still Whitmire)
You do that, eh, sexy! Four iron! Pool party! Get me a beer!
McGrath goes to the car and opens the passenger side door.
MCGRATH (whispering)
Pickle. Start the car.
PICKLE
What?
CHET (BOWDEN) (OUTSIDE)
Hurry up, Agent...Security!
MCGRATH (Security Guy)
Coming!
(to Pickle)
Drive. Now.
PICKLE
Aren’t you going to get in?
MCGRATH
Floor it now!
PICKLE
Uhhhh
The car STARTS.
HIGHWAY OFFICER (OUTSIDE)
Hey!
CHET (BOWDEN) (OUTSIDE)
Hey!
GLORIA (OUTSIDE)
Dr. Pickle what are you doing?!?
MCGRATH
Go Pickle!
GLORIA (OUTSIDE)
MY CAR
McGrath JUST BARELY JUMPS INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT as Pickle FLOORS IT, leaving the others YELLING AFTER THEM!
PICKLE
Oh my, what have I done?
MCGRATH
You’re fine you’re fine. We’re gonna catch that truck.
PICKLE
How?
MCGRATH
You’re a map genius, think of a shortcut!
PICKLE
Really?
MCGRATH
Yeah, take it!
PICKLE
All right...
MCGRATH
Okay but GO EASY
Pickle DRIVES OFF ROAD and through the woods...
MOMENTS LATER
The car engine speeds up.
MCGRATH
There! There it is!
PICKLE
Right! What’s the plan?
MCGRATH
You’re gonna get me right up close and I’m gonna jump onto the truck.
PICKLE
With, eh, with me driving, that is?
MCGRATH
...yeah I just realized that’s a flaw in the plan.
PICKLE
Perhaps we should go back for Gloria?
MCGRATH
No! No there’s no time. We’re just...gonna have to stare death in the face and do it.
PICKLE
All right.
MCGRATH
Okay get us close.
PICKLE
Very good.
MCGRATH
Okay...into the passing lane!
PICKLE
There is no passing lane
MCGRATH
GO PICKLE GO
PICKLE
RIGHT
Pickle SWERVES VIOLENTLY into the left lane and pulls up fast.
MCGRATH
Get me right up to the driver’s side...I’m gonna jump across and you’re gonna go back for Gloria and Bowden, got me?
PICKLE
Yes but please hurry this is extremely nerve-wracking!
MCGRATH
Right.
McGrath opens the passenger side door. The road ROARS PAST.
MCGRATH
One. Two. Three!
Nothing happens.
PICKLE
Was that it? Were you going to actually jump?
MCGRATH
I was.
PICKLE
You should do so soon.
MCGRATH
I’m trying my feet are not responding.
PICKLE
May we get back in the appropriate lane?
MCGRATH
NO I’M GONNA DO THIS.
PICKLE
Okay.
MCGRATH
TWO. No, ONE. TWO. TWO AND A HALF.
PICKLE
CAR!
MCGRATH
SHIT
McGrath JUMPS!
She CATCHES THE SIDE OF THE TRUCK!
PICKLE SWERVES OFF THE ROAD BEHIND HER!
A CAR ROARS BY!
McGrath hangs on for dear life!
MCGRATH
Okay. Okay. I’m sure Pickle’s fine. She probably drove into a shallow swamp or something. Just pull the door handle and get inSIIIIIDE
She pulls the handle and the door SWINGS OPEN, FLAPPING WITH HER ON IT!
She MANAGES TO GET INSIDE THE CAB and SHUT THE DOOR!
MCGRATH (panting in terror)
Okay! Okay that was fine! Everything’s gonna be HOLY SHIT WHO ARE YOU!
DRIVER
Don’t kill me!
MCGRATH
Who the hell are you?
DRIVER
Take my wallet take everything!
MCGRATH
Why are you dressed in an Amazon uniform?
DRIVER
I’m the truck driver!
MCGRATH
Wh - this truck drives itself!
DRIVER
Yes...but...I’m...the truck’s driver’s...driver.
MCGRATH
...oh my god.
DRIVER
Look I’m just babysitting the AI and course correcting it while it needs it!
MCGRATH
How often is that?
DRIVER
Every - that’s proprietary information!
MCGRATH
THIS is why we can’t hack the AI? Because it’s propped up by human beings pretending to be AIs?
DRIVER
Wait! Is this corporate espionage? Are you like Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park?
MCGRATH
Okay first of all! I’m definitely Ian Malcolm.
DRIVER
Oh no!
MCGRATH
Second: the only thing dumber that stealing man-eating reptile fetuses would be stealing Amazon’s PR stunt of an AI.
DRIVER
It’s not a PR stunt and you can’t prove it in court!
MCGRATH
Listen dumbass, stop the truck!
DRIVER
I can’t! They’ll know! Even talking to you is a fireable offense! Why did you jump on this truck?
MCGRATH
I’m...from Amazon internal affairs.
DRIVER
Amazon doesn’t investigate itself!
MCGRATH
You’re right as soon as I said it I realized that was a terrible lie.
DRIVER
Get off the truck!
MCGRATH
Look, there’s a man in the trailer!
DRIVER
Not possible!
MCGRATH
As soon as this truck stops to deliver in Mars Hill, he’ll be discovered and you’ll be fired!
DRIVER
No! We just crossed into Alabama now!
MCGRATH
Shit!
DRIVER
We’ll be there in twenty minutes!
MCGRATH
Okay okay let me into the trailer.
DRIVER
You can’t get into the trailer from the cab! You have to open the back doors!
MCGRATH
I’m not climbing on top of this truck while it’s going sixty plus! Stop the truck!
DRIVER
No I refuse!
MCGRATH
SLOW the truck!
DRIVER
Never!
MCGRATH
Goddamn it!
She SHOVES him!
DRIVER
Ow!
MCGRATH
I’ll hack it myself! Stay there! What OS do you run on, truck?
ALEXA
Good morning! I’m Alexa! How can I help you?
MCGRATH
Never mind. I’m just gonna climb across the top of the truck.
She OPENS THE DOOR and CLIMBS OUT.
DRIVER
OH MY GOD DON’T DIE THEY’LL TAKE AWAY MY BATHROOM BOTTLES -
McGRATH CLIMBS OUT ONTO THE TOP OF THE TRUCK WHILE IT SPEEDS DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
MCGRATH (while struggling to pull herself along)
Goddammit. This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, you idiot. If Skip isn’t a clone...if Skip isn’t a clone stealing a nuclear weapon...then...Zelda would have ordered the real Skip to do it! I gotta call Zelda -
She fumbles out her phone -
MCGRATH
Don’t DROP IT Jesus.
She dials, still pulling herself along the top of the truck.
MCGRATH
C’mon c’mon c’mon!
Someone answers. VOICES murmur in the far background.
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
This is an open line.
MCGRATH
What? Impossible! This is our sanitized backdoor channel -
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
THIS IS AN OPEN LINE. I have roommates who could listen in.
MCGRATH
...did I catch you at the office?
ZELDA (ON PHONE)
Yes.
MCGRATH
At four in the morning.
ZELDA
Yes.
MCGRATH
And your...roommates...who work with you...are listening.
ZELDA
Potentially.
MCGRATH
Great.
ZELDA
Is this a sales call?
MCGRATH
It’s...an important customer satisfaction survey.
ZELDA
You sound like you’re in a wind tunnel.
McGrath SWINGS DOWN onto the back of the truck!
MCGRATH
Ms. Anders. Did you...order an overnight package from Amazon?
ZELDA
...come again?
MCGRATH
Did YOU. Order an overnight package from Amazon?
ZELDA
No. I did not.
MCGRATH
Are you...familiar with Amazon?
ZELDA
It’s the twenty-first century.
MCGRATH
JESUS ZELDA are YOU aware of Amazon’s overnight delivery capabilities? Much like America’s overnight delivery capabilities to hundreds of high-level targets all around the world?
ZELDA
I’m hanging up.
MCGRATH
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?
ZELDA
...yes.
MCGRATH
DID YOU PLACE AN ORDER? DID YOU PLACE AN ORDER CANCELLING THIS ORDER?
ZELDA
...no.
MCGRATH
NO? You didn’t give the order?
NSA ADVISOR (ON THE PHONE)
Anders?
ZELDA
Time’s up.
MCGRATH
Zelda!
The line goes dead.
MCGRATH
Gotta call Gloria gotta
The truck swerves. She loses her phone!
MCGRATH
NO! SHIT!
She fumbles with the cotterpin.
MCGRATH
Goddamn door c’mon open! OPEN! OoooOOOOOOOOH -
Thee DOOR SWINGS WIDE, CARRYING HER WITH IT! She swings back and lands inside, as the door shuts!
Quiet.
SKIP (somewhere in here)
McGrath? McGrath is that you?
MCGRATH
...hey Skip.
SKIP
You made it! Great! Come here, I need you.
MCGRATH
...sure thing. Sure thing.
McGrath SLOWLY PUSHES her way through STACKS OF BOXES.
SKIP
Hi.
MCGRATH
<strangled cry>
SKIP
Shh! It’s just me.
MCGRATH
Right.
SKIP
I’ve been trying to find the bomb without tampering with the packages. No luck so far.
MCGRATH
So what are we looking for?
SKIP
The warhead itself should be small, only about 250 pounds, about yay big. If you can code a QR scanner to read all the -
MCGRATH
I lost my phone. It fell off the back of a truck.
SKIP
(sigh)...all right I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this but...let’s start opening packages.
Skip opens a pocketknife and starts cutting packages open.
MCGRATH
Wait. You’re suggesting we tamper with the mail -
SKIP
It’s not the mail, it’s Amazon.
MCGRATH
According to the law, that might get us the death penalty. Where’d you get that knife?
SKIP
I knew this might be a last-resort option so I took it from Bowden’s emergency stage lighting kit. Here, this one looks long enough!
He tears open more boxes.
MCGRATH
Skip doesn’t this feel wrong to you?
SKIP
Dang! It’s a toboggan. Probably a very late Christmas present.
MCGRATH
Aren’t you the guy who went on a forty-five minute rant when we streamed Castaway and Tom Hanks opened up that volleyball?
SKIP
McGrath, help me! Rats, this one’s a treadmill.
MCGRATH
You sort through our junk mail and hand-redeliver to all the wrong addresses!
SKIP
McGrath will you -
(rip)
Oh wow.
MCGRATH (gasps)
...is that it?
SKIP
That is it.
(beat)
Okay I have to punch in a code -
MCGRATH
WHAT?
SKIP
Don’t worry, my orders were to enter this code on the bomb’s panel.
MCGRATH
...hand me your jacket.
SKIP
My what?
MCGRATH
Your blazer, whatever that is. You’re sweating.
SKIP
Am I? Oh. Okay. Thanks.
He hands it off, then turns back to work. Mcgrath gasps.
SKIP
Okay, the code is...
MCGRATH
Zero zero two.
SKIP
Uh. That’s not the code. OOF!
McGrath BUM RUSHES SKIP and KNOCKS HIM INTO THE TRAILER’S WALL! She PUSHES HIS FACE against the wall!
MCGRATH
Drop the knife, Skip.
SKIP
McGrath what are you doing?
MCGRATH
I’m not going to let you punch a code into a nuclear weapon.
Skip shoves her off!
SKIP
Agent McGrath, we are five minutes from the delivery site -
MCGRATH
WHO ARE YOU?
SKIP
What?
MCGRATH
What have you done with Skip Granger?
SKIP
McGrath, I don’t know what’s going on here -
MCGRATH
Get back with that knife -
SKIP
- but I must enter the security code -
McGrath ATTACKS SKIP! The knife CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR!
MCGRATH
YOU ARE NOT TOUCHING THAT NUKE.
They GRAPPLE!
SKIP
McGrath you will not stop me from completing this mission!
MCGRATH
...oh I won’t, huh?
SKIP
I will subdue you if I must!
MCGRATH
Okay Skip. Let’s see what you GOT!
MCGRATH FIGHTS SKIP! THEY SLAM EACH OTHER INTO THE WALLS OF THE TRUCK!
SKIP
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND
MCGRATH
NO I’VE LOST MY FRIEND
SKIP
I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT
MCGRATH
WHATEVER, DOPPLEGANGER!
SKIP
GAH YOUR SCRATCHING MY FACE MCGRATH
MCGRATH
No SnapFace, huh? So that face goes all the way down I guess.
SKIP
You’ve gone insane!
ALEXA thunders through the trailer as they continue to fight:
ALEXA
Entering Mars Hill, Alabama. Your turn is on the right.
Skip THROWS MCGRATH ONTO THE FLOOR!
SKIP
Stay down, McGrath! I’m going to finish this!
MCGRATH
I don’t think so.
McGrath KICKS OPEN THE TRUCK DOORS!
SKIP
Don’t open the doors!
MCGRATH
BOMBS AWAY.
She climbs onto the toboggan with the bomb!
SKIP
Get the bomb off that toboggan!
MCGRATH
HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS
She shoves herself out the back of the truck!
Skip JUMPS ONTO THE SLED just as they SLIDE OUT THE BACK WITH THE BOMB!
SPARKS FLY as the sled SKIDS DOWN THE ROAD AT 60 MPH!
MCGRATH AND SKIP
SHIIIIT
SKIP
LEAN RIGHT! PULL TO THE SHOULDER!
MCGRATH
YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU!
MCGRATH AND SKIP
AAAAAAAAAAA
They SLIDE OFF THE ROAD and DOWN A HILL!
SPLASH! INTO THE MUD BY THE RIVER.
They emerge from the mud, wrestling each other!
MCGRATH
Get away from the bomb, you!
SKIP
McGrath, I am your roommate, your very angry best friend, and your superior!
MCGRATH
OH, WANNA BET?
She SWINGS at him and CONNECTS! He PUNCHES HER BACK!
MCGRATH (breathing hard)
Zelda doesn’t even know about this mission!
SKIP
I know that! Wait, what?
MCGRATH
Wait, what?
SKIP
You talked to Zelda?
MCGRATH
You admit it?
SKIP
The mission came directly from Whitmire!
MCGRATH
Why would he cut out Zelda?
SKIP
He hates Zelda!
MCGRATH
HE HATES YOU!
SKIP
Well I got in his good graces for complementing his mustache -
MCGRATH
Oh that is DEFINITELY evil!
McGrath SCREAMS and RUSHES SKIP -
And TACKLES HIM INTO THE MUD! She SHOVES HIS FACE DOWN IN IT! He struggles his way back up!
SKIP
McGrath, it’s me!
MCGRATH
Bullshit! What’s your favorite food?
SKIP
I don’t want to say Funyuns but there it is!
MCGRATH
Favorite color!
SKIP
Midnight taupe!
MCGRATH
Favorite non-fiction book!
SKIP
Organizing America by Eric Loomis!
MCGRATH
Favorite British rock band!
SKIP
The Queuer!
MCGRATH
Ha! There’s no way Skip Granger listens to The Cure -
MCGRATH
The what?
SKIP
They’re a fairly unknown indy group from Bristol who mostly sings about standing in line!
MCGRATH
SHUT UP.
She THROWS him into the MUD!
SKIP
McGrath why are you fighting me?!?
MCGRATH
You’re a clone!
SKIP
WHAT?!?
MCGRATH
You’ve got zero-zero-two printed on the back of your neck!
SKIP
...I do?
MCGRATH
Yes!
SKIP
I...can’t look at my own neck, McGrath -
MCGRATH
Turn around!
SKIP
Okay!
MCGRATH
Hands up!
SKIP
Gee!
MCGRATH
There! Right there, just under your hairline! That is serial number zero-zero-two, tattooed on the back of your neck, you clone!
A moment.
Skip begins to laugh.
SKIP
Oh! “ZOO”?
MCGRATH
...what?
SKIP
Remember I told you I went to the zoo when...when I thought you were dead?
MCGRATH
Yeah...
SKIP
One of the elephants stole a day-pass hand stamper and...I think it recognized me and it stamped the back of my neck. I can’t believe that’s still there what kind of ink do they use?
MCGRATH
That can’t be -
SKIP
Look at my neck, see?
(he bends over)
The stamp must have gotten me upside down. If you flip it, “002” is “ZOO” - and there under my hair it should say - “DAILY PASS, DO NOT ANTAGONIZE THE ELEPHANTS”. Wow, I really need a haircut, don’t I?
Silence. McGrath sits down heavily and almost starts to cry.
SKIP
Oh McGrath what’s wrong? Don’t cry!
MCGRATH
You were acting so weird and I thought you were dead or being tortured somewhere -
SKIP
No I...I have been acting strangely, you’re right.
MCGRATH
Why?
SKIP
I was...rebelling.
MCGRATH
Against what?
SKIP
My dad.
MCGRATH
What?
SKIP
I had asked him if he...programmed me...used his machine to guide my life so I’d be the good little soldier he wanted me to be. And he said, “no...but”.
MCGRATH
But what?
SKIP
He never got a chance to say. And I never asked him again because I was too angry. And I’m still angry.
MCGRATH
Well. Anger’s okay.
A beat. Skip laughs.
SKIP
You don’t say McGrath.
(McGrath laughs with him)
Kicking my ass up and down this mud pile.
(they grow quiet again)
I lashed out in any way I could. I’m sorry I worried you, but...why did you think I was a clone?
MCGRATH
Athena said so.
SKIP
Athena?!?
MCGRATH
Yeah.
They burst into laughter again.
SKIP
Athena might need therapy.
MCGRATH
Yeah, she’s having a rough time.
SKIP
That’s fair.
(beat)
I should have started listening to The Cure.
MCGRATH
Well, I think you’re reading “Organizing America” different than everybody else is.
SKIP
McGrath, I...I am allowed to change, aren’t I?
MCGRATH
Yeah, everybody is, Skip.
(she steps back)
Here, punch in your nuclear code.
SKIP
You’re okay with that?
MCGRATH
Yeah, go ahead.
Skip does so. A quiet DING. McGrath lets out a breath of relief.
MCGRATH
Now let’s haul this toboggan nuke back to Gloria’s car.
SKIP
Yes, let’s.
They start down the road, dragging the toboggan behind them.
SKIP
I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about what was going on with me, McGrath.
MCGRATH
It’s cool, bud.
SKIP
I now realize that I must have seemed possessed!
MCGRATH
I mean...sort of?
SKIP
But I felt I really had to manifest the devil within me.
MCGRATH
Well it was suspicious but -
SKIP
I suppose within each of us lies the seeds of utter chaos.
MCGRATH
Well, not exactly utter chaos...more like...
SKIP
What?
MCGRATH
I mean let’s not get nuts, you were acting strangely but not “chaotic”.
SKIP
What? I said the “s” word!
MCGRATH
Well, sure, but -
SKIP
My hair is two inches long in the back! In the navy that would have got you court martialed!
MCGRATH
We’re not in the navy!
SKIP
Do you know how much paperwork I've ignored in the past seven weeks! It's close to criminal, I tell you! I said I liked Whitmire’s mustache! Out loud!
MCGRATH
I get it Skip! You had a little rebellion, but -
SKIP
LITTLE?!?
MCGRATH
I mean, for you it might seem bigger but -
SKIP
FOR ME?!?
MCGRATH
Okay let’s just drag this nuke back to the air force base.
SKIP
NO.
MCGRATH
What do you mean, “no”?
SKIP
You drag it back! I’m going...this way!
MCGRATH
Into the woods?
SKIP
Maybe! Maybe I’ll go grab an Uber! Or eat at a truck stop! Or VAPE.
MCGRATH
Skip, I thought you were done rebelling -
SKIP
NEVER. Meet Rebel Skip, McGrath!
MCGRATH
Oh no.
SKIP
REBEL SKIP IS UN-PRE-DICTABLE!
A car is driving towards them.
MCGRATH
Skip, there’s Gloria coming now!
SKIP (going away)
Well go have fun with your nuclear weapon! I give you full permission to take pictures with it in a mall photobooth before returning it to the military!
MCGRATH
I mean that would actually be wicked but COME ON SKIP! COME BACK!
SKIP (super-leaving)
NOOOOO rggggghhhh
Skip stomps away. Gloria, Bowden, and Pickle pull up to the side of the road.
PICKLE
There she is!
Gloria and Bowden get out of the car and run up.
BOWDEN
McGrath! Are you all right?
GLORIA
Where’s Skip going?
MCGRATH
It’s fine! I’m fine. He’s fine. He’s just...walking it off.
BOWDEN
I have to let Chet know he owes the Mississippi Parks Department thirty-six hours of community service.
GLORIA
We have to get Skip and return the warhead -
MCGRATH
Just...leave him alone for a half hour. Don’t worry, it is Skip.
BOWDEN
Wait, did you think he wasn’t Skip?
MCGRATH
I had...intel...that he might be...a clone.
GLORIA
A CLONE?
BOWDEN
And me without my David Duchovny snow shoes.
GLORIA
You think somebody created a clone Skip?
MCGRATH
No, nobody created a clone Skip...but...
BOWDEN
But?
MCGRATH
...but I think I might have just created a monster.
MUSIC: END CREDITS!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate Producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Pete Barry and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini-McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Sister Prudence and Alexa
and Bob Killion as the Amazon Driver
Guest Starring
Brandon Wentz as Dr. Harold Snodgrass
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky Lessmacher
Bonnie Brantley as Arcadia
Shannon Perry as Dr. Hermonie Pickle
Helena Betancourt as Sister Quitiera
and Kyle Jones as the Highway Patrolman
Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry
Well, I guess we just blew our chance of ever being turned into an Amazon Prime tv show. Way to go, Pete. Some of us have to eat, you know. If you'd like to support struggling Mission Voices such as myself, consider becoming a member of our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can get ad-free episodes, peeks behind the scenes, and more. Visit patreon.com/missionrejected to buy me a pizza...I mean...support the show.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
EXT. MILITARY BASE
Lucky and her gang are doing pushups.
MINI-MCGRATH
More pushups, prisoners!
LUCKY
You think they’ll come back soon?
SNODGRASS
STOP ASKING.
LUCKY
You’re supposed to know the future!
SNODGRASS
THAT’S NOT ME.
ARCADIA
The future is us collapsing from exhaustion.
MINI-MCGRATH
Go cry to your mommy!
SNODGRASS
Can I leave and go cry to my mommy?
ARCADIA
The stars say...we’re gonna be here awhile.
LUCKY
Aw nuts.
(she collapses in the mud)
Hey! Let’s Play I Spy! I’ll start. I spy with my little eye -
ARCADIA
You’re face down in the mud.
LUCKY
I was thinking of mud!
(gasps)
You ARE psychic!
MINI-MCGRATH
Less talk, more pushups!
SNODGRASS
This is exactly what it was like working for Tesla.
END STING!