Season Six, Episode Four: The Man with the Molten Gun
Transcript
INT. EMF HQ
SFX - WET, SLOPPY MOPPING. CHET SINGS TO THE TUNE OF 'GONNA WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR'
CHET
Gonna wash that grime right off of my floor, I'm gonna wash that sludge right off of this door, I'm gonna... scrub... this... scum...
(long beat)
Right... off of this wall...
(beat)
Wait, am I singing a show tune? No no no no, South Pacific is just a movie, I'm sure of it...
(SFX - TYPES, GASPS)
Rodgers and Hammerstein?!. I'm turning into Montcrief! I've been out of the game so long I'm... wait: have I always been like Montcrief? Roguishly handsome, check. Appallingly arrogant, check. International superspy, OK. That's still just me. That was close, I have to sit down and--
SFX - SQUISH
CHET
I forgot the first rule of janitorial duty. Look before you sit. I don't even want to look now, do I? It's....
(a beat)
A bag? Full of sauce packets from the sushi joint? Soy, wasabi, ick, ginger, and... Oh my god. Is this.... is this what I think....
SFX - CLICK. A TAPE PLAYS.
MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Agent Phillips.
CHET
YES YES YES YES IT'S ME! IT'S ME!! IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEE---
MISSION VOICE
That's what I used to say at the start of these tapes. Before you turned traitor, then became President, then became a janitor.
CHET
Dirty pool, old friend. Dirty pool.
MISSION VOICE
However. It's possible that, despite her best instincts... your country needs you again.
(SFX - STATIC, AND THEN AN ODD SIGNAL)
Ten days ago at 0345 hours, the NSA outpost at Puget Sound picked up this faint signal, originating from an indeterminate position due to its weakness.
(SFX - STATIC, THEN THE SAME SIGNAL)
Five days later at 1927 hours, the submarine USS Jimmy Carter picked up this signal, originating from an indeterminate position due to its weakness.
(SFX - STATIC, THEN THE SAME SIGNAL)
Two days later at 0152 hours, retired Air Force colonel Jacob Wilnikov reported this faint signal on the weather tracking equipment at his farm on Oahu, originating from an indeterminate position...
CHET
... due to its weakness, right, Ex-Colonel Wilnikov is checking the weather in Hawaii at 2 am? Spoiler alert. It's gonna be nice.
MISSION VOICE
Ex-Colonel Wilnikov has suffered from pronounced insomnia ever since his time in the Pararescue unit.
CHET
OK, I take it back, he earned it... so three units detected a signal over a couple of weeks. What's the deal?
MISSION VOICE
I was only getting started. Every intelligence, military and civilian listening device in the north pacific region has detected this signal over the past two months. But never strong enough to detect a source. Given the limited intelligence available, finding the source of this signal would require the work of an elite intelligence asset, one with unparalleled experience operating in hostile areas, obtaining top secret intelligence that no other agent would even dare dream of recovering.
(a beat)
Know anyone, Agent Phillips? Asking for a friend.
CHET
Mission... wait. This is a recording. How have you been responding to me?
MISSION VOICE
I'm that good, Chet. I'm that good.
MUSIC: THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents: the backups. Tonight's episode: The Man with the Molten Gun.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SFX - Beep boop. But also an ALARM in the background.
MCGRATH (IN THE HALL)
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HER!
STUDEBAKER (IN THE HALL)
Sorry, Hedy Lamarr, but your little friend is surprisingly stealthy; she snuck out on me mid-Murdle!
SFX - DOOR OPENS
MCGRATH
HEY! WHAT WAS THE ONE RULE?!
MINI MCGRATH
Never steal your Takis!
MCGRATH
OK, the second rule?
MINI MCGRATH
Stay in the lab with the stupid meatbag who smells of pepperoni.
STUDEBAKER
I'll have you know it's Chorizo!
SFX - DOOR OPENS
ZELDA
It's nine oh three AM, so I should only be surprised it took this long for the day to fall apart, but can someone explain what triggered an unauthorized access alarm?
MINI MCGRATH
CAN'T CATCH ME, I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!
MCGRATH
Sorry, Z, I wanted Studebaker to run a deep malware scan on 'HAL 9000 for Dummies' here, she's been acting more malevolent than ever.
MINI MCGRATH
Malevolence is key to supremacy!
MCGRATH
SEE?! Is this why the parents of actual children sound like that in mall food courts?
ZELDA
Studebaker, please take McGrath's creation--
MCGRATH
I CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILITY!
MINI MCGRATH
'Parent in the food court'!
ZELDA
Just take her to the lab!
STUDEBAKER
Saddle up, Twiki, it's off to Casa del Biff-o. Behave, and we can split a lifestyle bowl!
MINI MCGRATH
Carnitas! Carnitas!
SFX - THEY LEAVE
MCGRATH
Maybe the Amish are right and all this tech is for the birds.
ZELDA
You don't know the half of it.
MCGRATH
Is it too late to learn to raise barns and ... wait, I don't know the half of what?
SFX - DOOR OPENS
GLORIA
I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE YOU WANT, I SAID IT WAS GOOD!
BOWDEN
'Good' doesn't help me, how did these five pages made you feel?
GLORIA
LIKE I'D READ FIVE PAGES!
BOWDEN
But which page felt most like a page?
GLORIA
Let's not do this now, Bo--
MCGRATH
Or ever, may I suggest? It's so annoying when you guys argue--
GLORIA
This is a simple exchange of ideas.
ZELDA
Ah, I remember Pat and my first exchange of ideas. It lasted two days, the HOA had to get involved.
GLORIA
Hold on. What time is it?
BOWDEN
I have 9:15, that means it's 9:05.
ZELDA
You keep your watch ten minutes ahead on purpose?
BOWDEN
You only show up late to an Ari Aster audition once.
GLORIA
Sweet mother of punctuality, where's Skip?
SFX - DOOR SWINGS OPEN SLOOOOOOOWLY
SKIP
That's my name, don't wear it out.
ZELDA
Agent Granger... are you... all right?
SKIP
Peachy keen, Z-A.
BOWDEN
Has Skip ever called the section chief Z-A before?
GLORIA
Only when alphabetizing.
SKIP
Feeling tip top, aces, cats pajamas, you name it, I feel it.
MCGRATH
Guys, chill. Let me handle this. Hey, Skip? Can I ask you a question?
SKIP
Fire away, M-Dog.
MCGRATH
NOPE.
SKIP
Fire away, Macky M.
MCGRATH
Good God it's only getting worse... it's five after nine, yes?
SKIP
Maybe. Agent Skippy G is unfettered by time or schedules or phone alarms.
ZELDA
Agent. Skippy. G.
MCGRATH
It's five after nine, let's just agree on that.
SKIP
Whatever floats your boat, M-swizzle.
MCGRATH
I don't deserve this, I--ANYWAY. You were just outside the door when Gloria realized you weren't here.
SKIP
I came in and said "that's my name, don't wear it out".
MCGRATH
It was just as entertaining the first time. So how long were you waiting for us to notice you were late?
SKIP
Who can say, who can--
GLORIA
Bo and I just came in a few seconds ago! We didn't see him!
ZELDA
And I came in a few moments before you two.
MCGRATH
Skip, were you hiding behind the fern in the hallway while we all came in?
SKIP
Seems a silly thing for Agent Skippy G to do...
SFX - TYPING
MCGRATH
So here's the hallway security footage... yep, behind the aforementioned fern, that looks like the pleather jacket you've got on.
SKIP
Pleather? Skippy G only goes in for the finer things in life!
SFX - TYPING
MCGRATH
Zoom in on the jacket, enhance... yeah, you forgot to take off the Hot Topic tag. 100% Norwegian Pleather.
BOWDEN
To be fair, all the best pleather comes from Oslo. I learned that filming The Phantom Thread 2: Discount Boogaloo.
MCGRATH
What is this really about, Skip?
SKIP
Does everything have to be about something?
MCGRATH
With you? Historically? Very much yes.
SKIP
New day. New Granger. I'm chill. I'm unbothered. And if sometimes I'm a minute or two late , the world rolllls on. Now how about we all kick back and watch a slide show?
MCGRATH
I hate this mission already.
SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR
SKIP
This dude is Colonel Marcel Degoutant (Deh-goo-TAHNT), Commander in Chief of the armed forces of Androvia (An-DRO-via)...
(SFX - SLIDE CLICK)
Europe's teeniest sovereign state wedged in here just between France, Belgium, and Luxembourg.
GLORIA
Aww, it's so cute!
BOWDEN
Is it a nation or a Trader Joe's parking lot?
SKIP
Now, before Colonel Degoutant got his gig as big cheese of the Androvian military, my man was a mercenary. And a pretty cold blooded one at that.
MCGRATH
As opposed to all the mercenaries who volunteer at soup kitchens.
SKIP
According to our 411, Degoutant is now plotting a bloody coup against--
(SFX - SLIDE CLICK)
His boss, President Emile Inefficace (IN-eff-i-kahs), the country's elected head honcho. But coups cost beaucoup bucks, so Degoutant has relied on his contacts in the mercenary world...
(SFX - SLIDE CLICK)
... who have stolen gold from the reserves of every neighbor nation as well as several banks inside Androvia. At this point, we think Degoutant has about ten mil US worth of the shiny stuff stored in a private vault here...
(SFX COOL NOISE)
... his mountain compound just outside the capital. Our mission: stop the coup by Ocean's Elevening this bad boy.
BOWDEN
So... steal the money or win back Julia Roberts?
MCGRATH
Did he even mention Julia Roberts?
BOWDEN
I'M JUST CONFUSED.
SKIP
We're gonna steal us some gold.
GLORIA
We're going to carry ten million in gold out of a high security vault?
MCGRATH
I knew I shouldn't have skipped leg day. Oh wait, I never started...
SKIP
Nobody's carrying anything. Behold THIS bad boy!
SFX - SLIDE CHANGE
GLORIA
A long thin metal pole? What are we looking at here? Exactly?
MCGRATH
Could be anything from half a weather vane to Andre the Giant's rectal thermometer.
BOWDEN
Didn't Luke Skywalker hang off of one of those beneath cloud city?
ZELDA
Ahem. Allow me to take over from... Agent Skippy G... for just a moment.
SKIP
Floor's yours, Z-Money--
ZELDA
NOPE.
SKIP
Take it away!
ZELDA
Secretary Whitmire has ordered a thorough review of the EMF scientific staff and his findings are...
MCGRATH
Don't bother, Z, I've been looking for the right word to describe Studebaker for six years now.
ZELDA
Anyway, Whitmire has recommended we use a new equipment vendor for this assignment: AAIII.
GLORIA (pronouncing it)
AAhh-EYE-EEE-EYE?
ZELDA
It stands for 'Applied Advanced Intelligence Innovations of Indianapolis', but sure, Ahh-EYE-EEE-EYE works.
MCGRATH
Wait a minute, I've heard of this AAhh-EYE-EEE-EYE!
GLORIA
Can we just stick with 'company'? I'm so sorry I tried to pronounce it.
MCGRATH
This is the startup that Whitmire's kid founded, the one that had to change its name after all the class action lawsuits!
GLORIA
Senator Whitmire awarding a bid to his own son's company feels a little... what's the word...
MCGRATH
Duh?
ZELDA
AAIII was founded by Secretary Whitmire's ex-step-son. That's no longer an ethical conflict, thanks to the Whitmire-Bipps Military Funding, Ethics Reform, and Congressional Hot Tub Appropriations Act, which passed the Senate 99-1.
BOWDEN
You'd have thought Bernie Sanders would have loved a free hot tub.
GLORIA
You... you would have?
BOWDEN
It gets cold in Vermont! We filmed parts of "Air Bud: Curling Canine" outside of Rutland.
MCGRATH
SO WHAT'S THE LONG METAL THING ON THE SLIDE! GOOD GOD, I HATE BEING THE ONE WHO HAS TO KEEP US ON TRACK!
SKIP
That is Ahh-EYE-EEE-EYE's latest prototype of a combination high powered boring drill and high intensity heat emitter.
MCGRATH
Boring drill and heat emitter.... no. NO NO NO NO NO--
SKIP
Slow your roll, let's not jump ahead too far in Skippy G's master plan.
MCGRATH
LET'S NOT CALL IT A PLAN JUST YET.
SKIP
Bowden, right after this briefing, you and I are reporting to Stefan--
(BOWDEN GRUMBLES)
-- for tattooing and haircuts.
BOWDEN
For what and for what now?
SKIP
Tattoos and haircuts! Pretty badass, right!?! We're going undercover as members of a feared militia group 'Assassins Vicieux (Ass-ass-SANS Vi-SYOO)'. For decades, Assassins Vicieux spread fear across Androvia. Five years ago, every last one of them were slaughtered while transporting a GINORMOUS amount of gold through Androvia. Two major badasses like us showing up on his doorstep will make Degoutant positively giddy in the hopes of locating all that lost gold!
BOWDEN
None of that explains haircuts.
SKIP
Assassins Vicieux members were known for their matching tattoo sleeves and shaved heads. We're gonna look like heavy metal dudes, Bo! Sick, right?
MCGRATH
For the first time today, I agree.
BOWDEN
SHAVED HEADS?!? No no no no no, this is completely inappropriate for 'Oberon and Hamlet Save Brooklyn'!
ZELDA
I... I don't want to know, but...
GLORIA
Bowden has been working a screenplay for a few weeks now.
BOWDEN
I've been writing for a few weeks, but this project has been gestating in my soul for decades. It's the tale of twin brothers, each born with a classical performer's spirit, one drawn to light comedy and the other to dark tragedy, who must set aside their rivalry to stop a Zombie Cryptid invasion of Brooklyn.
MCGRATH
As they say, write what you know...
BOWDEN
Listen, I paid five hundred and sixty seven dollars for premium notes from a very reputable service, Page42...
GLORIA
You said those notes were free!
BOWDEN
They are! But downloading them costs five hundred and sixty seven dollars.
GLORIA
HOW IS THAT FREE--
BOWDEN
ANYWAY, they said 'Oberon and Hamlet' has real four quadrant potential, and I just need to find a mid-tier independent producer with existing overseas distribution deals and twenty million to invest on an obvious vanity project! IT CAN'T MISS AND I NEED MY HAIR!
ZELDA
Bowden, I'm sorry! But if... Agent Skippy G recommends you shave your head, then you're going full Lex Luthor. Whitmire is watching this mission closely, given AAIII's involvement. Oh, Skip, Whitmire's review of EMF mission reports has revealed your historic inability to convincingly go undercover. So AAIII recommends your cover be a mute.
SKIP
Mute militia assassin. <Grunts a bit> YAAAAS. Totally on brand for rebel Skippy G.
ZELDA
Can the mute part start now?
MCGRATH
So while the boys are at French Foreign Legion fantasy camp, Gloria and I will be where?
SKIP
Stealing ten mil in bullion.
GLORIA
Without carrying it?
SKIP
Correct. While Bo tempts Degoutant with tales of lost gold, I'll locate the vault...
(SFX - SLIDE CHANGE)
... and drop this small, highly radioactive ball. It'll roll to the lowest point inside the vault, which is where McGrath, Gloria, and AAIII technology takes over.
GLORIA
Oh... um... OK... how?
MCGRATH
With a high powered boring drill/heat emitter? Isn't it obvious?
BOWDEN
It... very much is not.
SFX - SLIDE CHANGE
SKIP
A few klicks away from Degoutant's headquarters is this entrance to abandoned sulfur mine that runs directly underneath that building. You guys are going to move into position underneath the HQ, lock in on the radioactive ball at the lowest point of the vault--
GLORIA
DRILL INTO THE VAULT AND USE THE HEAT EMITTER TO MELT THE GOLD?!?!
MCGRATH
DING DING DING, TELL HER WHAT SHE'S WON, JOHNNY!
SKIP
The melted gold will drip through the hole, collect in a set of wheeled, mobile molds provided by AAIII, reform as ingots which you'll then roll out on the existing mine cart tracks, and we'll all be home--
(SFX - SLIDE CHANGE)
-- in time for John Oliver!
BOWDEN
With YouTube, you're always on time for Oliver.
SKIP
Don't make Skippy G open a bag of whoopass, there's still a dedicated broadcast! So. Any thoughts?
MCGRATH
So, so many. But let's start with this; we're building our plan around some 'hold my beer' science fair project cooked up in a crooked bid by Whitmire's favored step-offspring?
GLORIA
What if something goes wrong with the molds? Will molten gold hit us?
MCGRATH
Is there a shut off switch? Cause, you know, we're underground next to a 2500 degree glorified hunk of rebar?
SKIP
Ladies. You hurt Skippy G's feelings.
MCGRATH
And I'm not gonna stop there.
SFX - SKIP STARTS TEXTING SOMETHING
SKIP
The heat emitter will get up to 2500 degrees, yes, but only in the vault. And if any little thing goes wrong...
(SFX - BEEP TEXT SENT)
... you'll have this app downloaded to your phones.
SFX - MCGRATH AND GLORIA OPEN THE APP
GLORIA (reading)
Congratulations on your purchase of the AAIII Drill n' Melt 5000... click to activate app...
(SFX - BEEP)
Oooh!
APP VOICE
Welcome to the Drill n' Melt 5000 User Interface and Manual. Select from the following options.
MCGRATH (reading)
Troubleshooting... safety options... extended warranty... OK, OK. I admit, this is snazzy. Thorough and pretty well-designed. Which I can't believe I'm saying about something related to the 'Drill n' Melt 5000'.
STUDEBAKER (OUTSIDE)
Hey! Do you think that contraption could heat up our Lifestyle Bowls?! The little metal one eats SLOW!
MCGRATH
Wait... are you trying to feed the robot?! God, we give Whitmire so much rope to work with sometimes...
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC
EXT. DEGOUTANT'S COMPOUND
WE'RE DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF ANDROVIA AT DEGOUTANT'S MILITARY ENCAMPMENT. SOUNDS OF TRAINING AND DRILLS.
SERGEANT
HURRY UP YOU MAGGOTS, FASTER! FASTER!
DEGOUTANT
Sergeant.
SERGEANT
Colonel Degoutant, sir! The men are--
DEGOUTANT
--tripping over their own feet, from the looks of it. Will they be ready when the President arrives? Will he respect them? Will he FEAR them?!
SERGEANT
Yes, sir! You have my word!
LOOKOUT (DISTANT)
THE PRESIDENT'S MOTORCADE IS ARRIVING!
DEGOUTANT
Your word is about to be tested. Very well. Men, fall in!
SERGEANT
MEN, FALL IN!
SERGEANT
HONOR GUARD AT THE READY!
DEGOUTANT
Is your job simply to repeat what I say, only louder?
SERGEANT
BUT I AM VERY LOUD INDEED, SIR.
DEGOUTANT
Fair point. The car approaches--
SERGEANT
THE CAR--
DEGOUTANT
ALL RIGHT. Enough already.
SERGEANT
HONOR GUARD, 21 GUN SALUTE ON MY MARK, THREE, TWO---
SFX - CAR DOOR OPENS
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Hiiiiiiiiii I'm looking for a Colonel Marcel Degoutant, are you Marcel Degoutant? You don't strike me as a Marcel, I'm getting a Tucker vibe from you, maybe a Preston? A Gil, at the outside?
SERGEANT
Who... what?
SFX - 21 GUN SALUTE
SERGEANT
WHAT? NO, I SAID WHAT, NOT ONE!
SFX - 21 GUN SALUTE
SERGEANT
OK, THAT TIME I DID SAY ONE--
SFX - 21 GUN SALUTE
SERGEANT
LOOK JUST STOP!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Wow, do you greet all your guests with munitions? That'll wake you up, better than a cold brew mocha cappa with a Red Bull chaser after a morning eight ball, am I right? Oh hey, there's two of you! You look like a Marcel!
DEGOUTANT
Yes, yes, I am Colonel Degoutant, but where is the President and who in the discount Jennifer Coolidge are you?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
First off, the President is coming, don't fret your khakis. Are those Banana Republic? Cut a little tight in the crotch, probably Ann Taylor. ANYWAY. He just had to stop at his daughter's boarding school first.
DEGOUTANT
Colette's boarding school? Saint Vivienne's of the Worthless Miracle? Hopefully he was dropping off!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
He's picking her up, you silly goose stepper! By the way, here's my card.
DEGOUTANT
Kiki St. Clair... Party coordinator?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
It's Colette's sixteenth birthday! And since the President has to be here on his daughter's birthday for your purportedly 'super important meeting', WE HAD TO MOVE HER TRADITIONAL DEBUTANTE BALL HERE! ISN'T THAT EXCITING?! FOR ME?!
DEGOUTANT
Wait wait wait. Inefficace told you about our meeting? HIS PARTY PLANNER GETS TOP SECRET CLEARANCE?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
For what he's paying me I should be able to pass laws. Maybe I can. Note to self. Check contract for legislative powers, they may be in the boilerplate from when I planned Milania's Pampered Chef night. ANYWAY. Degoutant and Colette should be here in a couple of hours, and her guests should be arriving a little after that, so what say we cut the chit chat and you give me the grand tour of Camp Troubled Loner here? OK? OK! And we're walking and we're walking...
SERGEANT
Sir, a debutante ball? Here? While we're in the middle of planning a--
GUARD
SIR! ANOTHER CAR APPROACHES!
DEGOUTANT
The President?
GUARD
NO!
(SFX - WALKIE TALKIE)
Rodrigo! Why did you allow this vehicle through the checkpoint?
(a beat)
WHAT? I... I can't believe it sir, he said it's being driven by two--
SFX - CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT, DOOR OPENS, EVERY GUN IN THE COMPOUND GETS COCKED, AIMED, AND LOADED
BOWDEN
We come in peace. Lower your weapons. But if you choose to test us, know first who we are.
SKIP
<Grunts>
SERGEANT
Colonel, those tattoos... but they can't be...
BOWDEN
It's true! We are Assassins Vicieux!
SFX - GASPS AND MUMBLING , THEN MUSICAL TRANSITION TO
INT. TUNNEL
A WOODEN DOOR CREAKS OPEN. MCGRATH AND GLORIA GACK AND GASP
GLORIA
Good gravy that's rank, and I've spent summers slopping pigsties!
MCGRATH
If this isn't a discontinued sulfur mine, I don't know what is. Here, put this under your nose.
GLORIA
OK--wow! That really masks the odor!
MCGRATH
You learn some tricks when your first hacking group is mostly twenty-somethings living in their parents' basements. OK. How far do we have to follow this tunnel?
GLORIA
According to the map, after about one kilometer it runs directly under Degoutant's headquarters, and hopefully, his gold.
MCGRATH
Well, the sooner we're into this stink, the sooner we're out.
SFX - WALKING,
GLORIA
Here they are, the old mine cart rails. How do we get these equipment containers onto them?
MCGRATH
I'm told there's an app for that...
APP VOICE
Welcome to the Drill n' Melt 5000 User Interface and Manual. Select from the following options.
MCGRATH (Scrolling through the app)
Setup... Equipment containers... OK, here we go...
GLORIA
I approve of the minimalist drawings!
MCGRATH
AAIII is gonna get sued by IKEA for stealing their manuals.
SFX - CLICKING AND CLACKING
MCGRATH
So what do you think the odds are that these containers of Whitmire Junior's are gonna fit on to these hundred year old cart rails...
SFX - A SATISFYING CLICK
MCGRATH
UM. OK... pretty good, I'd guess.
GLORIA
Wow! I know they're built specifically for this very tunnel, but still... that's craftsmanship!
SFX - WHEELING
GLORIA
And they wheel so easily! Well, Mackenzie, so far so good...
MCGRATH
Will wonders never cease.
SFX - MUSICAL TRANSITION
EXT. DEGOUTANT'S COMPOUND
DEGOUTANT
Who are you really? Your uniforms are Androvia regular military.
BOWDEN
Uniforms are nothing. A man can change them like so much clothing.
SKIP
<GRUNT>
SERGEANT
They are clothing... was that supposed to be deep?
BOWDEN
To know the depth of a man's allegiances, behold his more permanent markings.
SFX -GASPS, DISBELIEF FROM THE CROWD
DEGOUTANT
Those tattoos are impossible.
BOWDEN
Or merely improbable, Colonel Degoutant?
DEGOUTANT
You know my name?
BOWDEN
Of course. My comrade and I have been in hiding these past four years, but we have not remained ignorant.
SKIP
<Grunt!>
SERGEANT
Those are definitely Assassins Vicieux tattoos, Colonel. And this one's head is shaved.
SKIP
<Grunt! Grunt!>
DEGOUTANT
You, remove your hood.
BOWDEN
I cannot. My skin is sensitive to sun.
DEGOUTANT
You've been hiding in the mountains for four years and now you are worried about breaking out?
BOWDEN
Remaining alive under such conditions requires peak physical health.
DEGOUTANT
Sergeant. Bring these men inside headquarters. There we will--
SFX - A DOOR OPENS, KIKI ENTERS
KIKI ST. CLAIR
OK, I can make that space work with a half hour and some amphetamines--my my, I've walked into a real testoste-fest, huh? This is making my insides feel all tingly but I gotta tell you, this is not debutante ball energy! And certainly not when president Inefficace is paying me (whispers).
DEGOUTANT
He's paying HOW much?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
<whispers again>
DEGOUTANT
Christ, are you charging him for Colette's whole 16 years? NEVERMIND! Bring these men to my office and keep them out of the way of Miss--
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Mizz.
DEGOUTANT
Excuse me?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Mizz Saint Claire, not miss. Think of a bee going buzz and you can't mizz!
DEGOUTANT
This is a weird day, look, everyone, just... do what I said.
SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. TUNNEL
SFX - MCGRATH AND GLORIA WALKING
GLORIA
According to the app, we're right under Degoutant's HQ... now.
MCGRATH
Let's start counting Geigers.
SFX - GEIGER COUNTER TICKING BUT SLOW
GLORIA
Skip must not have dropped the radioactive ball in the vault yet.
MCGRATH
Well, if this is roughly the spot, we can at least set up the equipment.
SFX - BEEP
GLORIA
Page 1 of 375???
MCGRATH
I see a lot of Tabs A and Slots B in our future.
SFX - CLICK. CLACK. CLICK. CLACK.
GLORIA
It's coming together easily at least... maybe we were worried about nothing back at the briefing room.
MCGRATH
Gloria. The plan is to MELT A VAULT OF GOLD.
GLORIA
Two years ago we dealt with a machine that sucked rare earth elements out of the soil. And we've seen diamond tipped number two pencils take down a high school. Is this really so wild?
MCGRATH
True, true, I just... maybe it's "Agent Skippy G", maybe it's Whitmire's fingers being all over this crooked pie... I'll just be happy when it's all done and dusted.
GLORIA
Oh, I know that feeling. Bo figured we'd have some downtime while waiting for the gold to melt, so I promised him notes on Act 2 of Oberon and Hamlet.
MCGRATH
What's the problem with that?
GLORIA
I'm not sure there is an act 2.
SFX - MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
SERGEANT
The Colonel wants you to wait here.
BOWDEN
You do him fine service, and you will be rewarded after he speaks with us.
SERGEANT (Jangling handcuffs)
Perhaps. But I will also not be whipped because you escaped.
SKIP
<Grunt>
BOWDEN
Handcuffs? Comrade--
SERGEANT
You would not do the same in my shoes, 'comrade'? Assassins Vicieux are renowned for many things, but trust is not one of them.
(SFX - CUFFS CLICK)
And maybe now you will remove your hood.
BOWDEN
I'm... still acclimating... your HVAC is impressive.
SFX - SERGEANT WALKS AWAY, SLAMS AND LOCKS DOOR
SKIP
Bowden. What's up with the hood?
BOWDEN
Skip, look, back there; that huge metal door, that's got to be Degoutant's vault!
SKIP
I see it, but don't change the subject.
BOWDEN
What do you mean? It's just a hood.
SKIP
In Stefan's studio, while he shaved my head--
BOWDEN
It looks great on you, by the way, a real Nicholas Hoult vibe.
SKIP
Oh. Really? Wait, you're changing the subject again! You slipped off to the men's room, then texted me 'Tell Stefan I've got it covered'. That was the last I saw of you until our flight, the duration of which you wore that hood!
BOWDEN
Your point?
SKIP
Did you shave your head?
BOWDEN
This sounds a lot more like Skip Granger than it does Agent Skippy G.
SKIP
I - um - I mean, yeah man, okay, you're right, no biggie, I just wanna know, you know?
SFX - DEGOUTANT ENTERS
DEGOUTANT
Gentlemen.
BOWDEN
Colonel.
SKIP
<Grunt.>
DEGOUTANT
Who are you, really?
BOWDEN
Call me Major Dalton Craig. Former United States Marines.
DEGOUTANT
Assassins Vicieux rarely recruited Americans.
BOWDEN
They were impressed by my handling of the Sri Lanka Seven.
DEGOUTANT
I've never heard of them.
BOWDEN
Because when I was done with them, they were in 21 parts.
DEGOUTANT
Hmm. And this is?
SKIP
<Grunt grunt grunt>.
BOWDEN
My compatriot, Corporal Alistair Smails. Former British SAS. Rendered mute in a horrific parachute crash in Senegal, but still the deadliest knife this side of Bobby Flay's Triple Threat.
DEGOUTANT
Major Dalton Craig, if that is your real name--
SFX - DOOR OPENS, PEOPLE ENTER
KIKI ST. CLAIR
OK, yes, right back this way. Excuse me, Colonel Degoutant, my oh my look at you with your little buddies all handcuffed! Remember, this is a family friendly party! HA HA, right? I do offer handcuff parties, by the by, but cost a lot more and I'm actually not allowed to do them in this country, or Oregon, they've got arcane laws for a progressive state--
DEGOUTANT
This is my private office!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Excuse me cranky pants, I'll be out of your sweaty hair in just a second; GUYS, PUT THE ICE CREAM CAKE THERE!
DEGOUTANT
Ice cream cake?!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
For the President's daughter's ball! It's Hollywood themed--
BOWDEN
OOOH.
(a beat)
Excuse me. Stubbed my toe.
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Her cake is classic ice queens of cinema! Miranda Priestly, Claudia Schiffer, and Elsa! We need to keep it cool while the portable freezer fires up. PUT IT ANYWHERE MAURICE!
DEGOUTANT
No, put it by the vault! It's the coolest spot in the building.
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Thank you, Colonel! Was that so hard? More flies with honey! We'll steer clear of your little interro-cosplay now, OOH I also do Gitmo themed parties, legal in every state but Rhode Island, K-byyeee.....
SFX - SHE GOES
DEGOUTANT
Where were we?
BOWDEN
"Major Dalton Craig, if that is your real name". And nice delivery, by the way. Very Jose Ferrer.
DEGOUTANT
Flattering! Be that as it may. If you are Assassins Vicieux, then you will not object if I... remove your hood!
SFX - HE YANKS OFF BO'S HOOD
DEGOUTANT
Oh good heavens...
SKIP
<Grunt!>
DEGOUTANT
What's wrong with your head?!
BOWDEN
I suffer from a rare congenital defect, Isolated Osteo-Skeletal Auxania, which leads to strange growths around the skull.
DEGOUTANT
You look like Megamind.
BOWDEN
An underrated gem, I appreciate that. DON'T touch. Isolated Osteo-Skeletal Auxania is contagious.
SKIP
<Grunts!>
BOWDEN
To non-mutes.
SKIP
<Grunts 'oh for god's sake.>
DEGOUTANT
You may be Assassins Vicieux. Stranger things have happened. For instance, I find myself hosting a debutante ball. But one thing would prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt.
BOWDEN
You mean... this?
(a beat)
If I weren't handcuffed I'd be reaching into my right breast pocket.
DEGOUTANT
You want me to reach into your pocket? You're contagious.
BOWDEN
Ah. Yes. Um... hold on...
SKIP
<Grunts, the grunts with something in his mouth.>
BOWDEN
Ah. Good job, Corporal. Don't get too much...
(Skip SPITS it to the floor)
... spit on it.
DEGOUTANT
I's just read it from here.
BOWDEN
Wise move.
DEGOUTANT
Is this what I think it is?
SFX - KIKI ENTERS AGAIN
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Bonjour, Colonel, did I say that right? I wasn't much for high school French, or high school for that matter, though I was popular with the soccer team if you catch my drift HI-YO hide the kids! Listen, quick one, Where can we stash these?
DEGOUTANT
Are those fireworks?!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Free with every party package as long as you pay the 5,000 dollar security fee in cash or bitcoin.
DEGOUTANT
Then it's not free!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Po-TAY-to, to-MAH-to, where should the dangerous explosives go?
DEGOUTANT
BY THE CAKE!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
All right, don't you fret your pretty little beret-clad head, you won't even notice they're here unless they go off prematurely for some insane reason, wouldn't that be a grand piece of physical comedy, anyway, I'll get back to letting you read that soggy piece of paper on the floor, I do NOT want to know what that is! Unless it's the soccer roster! SOMEBODY STOP ME....
SFX - Kiki leaves. A long pause.
BOWDEN
You were asking--
DEGOUTANT
I KNOW WHAT I WAS ASKING.
BOWDEN
OK, take your time...
DEGOUTANT
That lady is just--
BOWDEN
She's a lot.
DEGOUTANT
RIGHT?! Thank you. ANYWAY.
(a beat)
Is this what I think it is?
BOWDEN
A map to the cache of gold that the Assassins Vicieux were protecting, before we were wiped out in an avalanche of gunfire. We took cover behind the truck containing the gold. During the firefight, the bridge we were trapped on collapsed, and the truck...
DEGOUTANT
Fell into the Inutile River and floated away, lost forever.
BOWDEN
Lost, but not forever. When the gold washed ashore, we hid it, marked our positions, and disappeared into the criminal underworld.
SKIP
<Menacing grrrunt>
BOWDEN
Until the time was right to reveal ourselves... when a noble use for millions of dollars worth of gold became known to us.
DEGOUTANT
What noble cause is this?
BOWDEN
Word has reached us of your plan... and your already hidden millions worth of gold. In... that vault?
DEGOUTANT
That vault's contents are my business.
BOWDEN
And I'm making them mine. If you can prove your cause, perhaps we can do business.
SKIP
<Laughs ominously in grunts>
DEGOUTANT
I'd say wait here.
(jangles handcuffs)
But you have no choice.
SFX - Degoutant LAUGHS AS HE GOES
SKIP
Bowden Montcrief. You should be ashamed of yourself!
BOWDEN (knows exactly what he's talking about)
I have no idea what you're talking about.
SKIP
You thought a bald cap would cut it!?
BOWDEN
Hey now! Thousands of bald caps do admirable work in community theater productions of 'Annie' every season!
SKIP
MY NIECE PLAYED DUFFY LAST OCTOBER AND THEY 100 PERCENT DO NOT! Daddy Warbucks looked like he had a flesh-toned old time football helmet on!
BOWDEN
Relax. Degoutant seems to buy it, and we're inching towards getting inside that vault.
SFX - DOOR OPENS - Degoutant RE-ENTERS
DEGOUTANT
Your map lines up with the last known location of the Assassins Vicieux.
BOWDEN
Of course it does.
SKIP
<Grunts Uh-huh>
DEGOUTANT
Follow me. And... stay back. Your head, it's just... it's freaky.
SFX - AS Degoutant OPENS THE VAULT, KIKI ENTERS
KIKI ST. CLAIR
OH HEY! Are you opening the secret vault! No admittance except on party business, isn't that how the hobbit put it, we also do Tolkien parties, legal in every state except Texas, something about their oil refineries and our life-size Balrog. LISTEN. It's probably WAY cooler inside that vault and we've got a TON of stuff to store until the freezer's ready!
DEGOUTANT
<Sighs> Everybody into the vault.
SFX - VAULT SWINGS OPEN
SKIP
<Grunts in impressed fashion>
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Shiny! All this gold would keep me in eight balls for a year, HAHAHAHA I'm kidding, my addictions run far deeper, MAURICE EMPTY THE U-HAUL!
SFX - SHE LEAVES
DEGOUTANT
What you see here is almost sufficient to fund my plans. With your gold added to mine, success would be ensured.
BOWDEN
Colonel, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
DEGOUTANT
Casablanca, a man of taste.
SFX - KIKI RE-ENTERS
KIKI ST. CLAIR
OK MAURICE put that here--
DEGOUTANT
Is that an Ice Sculpture?!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Of the guest of honor, free with every party package if you pay the eleven thousand dollar artists fee.
ALL BUT KIKI (including Skip, who grunts it)
THEN IT'S NOT FREE!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
And put all this chocolate and cheese back by the fireworks and the ice cream cake, fabulous. Oh, all the extra butter, too, then put the nail polish and aerosol hair sprays for the makeover session right here, and all the balsa wood cars for the derby racing station there... oh, yes, put all the alcohol right over here, the President is gonna knock some back tonight, won't he! And the linseed oil, the mothballs, all the firewood, the batteries, and that huge box of dryer lint, that can all go here!
DEGOUTANT
What in the barreling hell is all that for?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Campfire s’mores! And the backup propane tanks here, K thanks bye!
DEGOUTANT
OK, everyone out! My secret vault looks like a Queens bodega!
SFX - THEY LEAVE.
DEGOUTANT
Major. You will take me to the Assassins Gold. Your Corporal friend will wait here, under watch of my guards. Then we will discuss our partnership... or your deaths.
SFX - Degoutant GOES
BOWDEN
Skip, were you able to drop the tiny radioactive ball?
SKIP
I was, Kiki's inability to speak slower than four words a second gave me the perfect cover. But we may have a bigger issue...
BOWDEN
You're right. My bald cap keep chafing...
SKIP
NO I MEAN... ahem. I mean, with what we're about to do to that vault... all that flammable stuff might be the, um... tiniest little problem. But, hey, Agent Skippy G will stay chill... and think of... something... heh heh... ohhh... oh dear....
SFX - MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. TUNNEL
MCGRATH (reading)
"Behold... beyond yon Queensboro bridge... but nay, it cannot be--"
GLORIA (reading)
"It can, brother mine... Nessie, swum from her precious loch to lay the smack down on our fair Apple Big..."
MCGRATH (reading)
"If it be a smacketh down that Nessie seek..."
(stops reading)
Wait, when did Hamlet get an Uzi?
GLORIA
I asked. Apparently it's a fractured timeline. Bo said something about Tenet, then walked off. Backwards.
MCGRATH
Is he serious about this screenplay?
GLORIA
I haven't seen him this serious about anything since he begged Gary to get him a spot in the 'I'm Just Ken' number at the '24 Oscars. He's going to call in every favor he's got, burn through all of our savings...
MCGRATH
Have you tried talking him out of it?
GLORIA
Of course!
MCGRATH
If it's career-and-finance-ruining-level important, you might have to get harsher with your criticisms.
GLORIA
I HAVE BEEN HARSH.
MCGRATH
How so?
GLORIA
I... told him.... act one might be a little slow.
MCGRATH
And how slow is act one?
GLORIA
Like watching paint dry, when you're not entirely sure the paint isn't already dry.
MCGRATH
THAT'S WHAT I'M--
SFX - THE GEIGER COUNTER STARTS BEEPING
MCGRATH
Thank God, he finally dropped that radioactive ball... hope you were wearing your lead-lined underwear, Skippy G.
GLORIA
Let's bounce right off that image...
MCGRATH
That little ion-spouting sphere has rolled to a stop right... here. We are directly under the lowest part of the vault. Let's drill.
SFX - CLICK, POWER UP, DRILL
GLORIA
Once we're through, how long will it take the device to heat the vault?
MCGRATH
Probably an hour.
GLORIA
So... the vault... it'll be made of steel, right?
MCGRATH
Um... why do you ask?
GLORIA
Well, gold melts at 2200 Fahrenheit. Steel won't melt until 2500. But concrete starts to become unstable at about 1400...
MCGRATH
Something that could have been brought to our attention yesterday...
GLORIA
But I mean, it's a vault, it's going to be steel.
(a beat)
Right?
MCGRATH
If I were building a vault, I'd go for steel...
GLORIA
Steel alllll the way.
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Thank goodness you built this vault of concrete, Colonel. It stays so cool! But isn't it fragile?
DEGOUTANT
Only if summer reaches 1400 degrees!
SFX - THEY LAAAAAAAUGH LAUGH LAUGH, QUICK TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ
SKIP
Bowden... you're perspiring.
BOWDEN
We're twenty feet from a device that's melting 10 million worth of gold. I'm probably sweating like Kristen Stewart at a diction class.
SKIP
But should you be sweating plastic?
BOWDEN
What? Holy smokes, I am sweating plastic! What the Blade Runner...
SKIP
Your bald cap! It's melting!
BOWDEN
My hair! I mean, my cover identity! Oh, who am I kidding, my hair!
SKIP
Maybe things are looking up, your head looks far more realistic now!
BOWDEN
But I just invented a disease to explain why it looked so weird! How am I going to Jussie Smollett my way out of this!
SKIP
Your hood, your hood!
BOWDEN
Right, good idea! OW! Get those bobby pins off me before they scald me..
SKIP
Except--wait--
BOWDEN
Except what!
SKIP
Um. Nevermind. Just roll with it, that's the Skippy G way...
BOWDEN
There's something you're not telling me--ouch! My hood is stuck to my melted bald cap!
SKIP
Did I mention to roll with it the...
BOWDEN
THE SKIPPY G WAY, YES YOU DID.
SFX - DEGOUTANT ENTERS
DEGOUTANT
You. On your feet. You are going to take me to the hidden cache of Assassins Vicieux gold.
BOWDEN
A grand idea. Getting out of here right now seems wise anyway.
DEGOUTANT
And you!
SKIP
<Grunts 'Me'?>
DEGOUTANT
You stay here, under watch of my guards. You are the, what is the saying... security deposit.
(LAUGHS, THEN COUGHS)
Is it getting really warm in here...
BOWDEN
I hadn't noticed... you need twelve guards to keep an eye on my friend?
DEGOUTANT
Assassins Vicieux come with quite the reputation. Say, your head looks less weird under your hood now...
BOWDEN
Oh, my condition comes and goes.
DEGOUTANT
Your bone condition comes and goes?
SFX - THEY LEAVE
SKIP
<Grunts>.
(very soft, to self)
OK, Skippy G, stay chill, maybe they'll relax and you can slip away to warn McGrath and Gloria that...
SERGEANT
Don't take your eyes off this one, men. I heard about an Assassins Vicieux who killed sixteen men with Olive Garden bread sticks. Sure, they're unlimited, but it's still impressive.
SKIP
<Sad grunt>
SFX - MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. TUNNEL. GLORIA AND MCGRATH ARE BOTH BREATHING A LITTLE HEAVIER NOW
MCGRATH (reading)
"Wendigo, we meet at last... time to shuffle off your mortal... coil..." Am I losing it or is it getting hot down here?
GLORIA
I thought I was still warmed up by that random love scene between Gertrude and Hippolyta.
MCGRATH
That's definitely a high point. Bo could even make it hotter, though.
GLORIA
"Make... hotter..." But you're right about the temperature. I thought the device was only supposed to heat the vault!
MCGRATH
It was... let's see what Appy McAppleton has to say...
APP VOICE
Welcome to the Drill n' Melt 5000 User Interface and Manual.
MCGRATH
Right, right, select from the following options...
APP VOICE
Your free trial period has expired.
MCGRATH
MY WHAT HAS WHAT?!!?!
APP VOICE
Please enjoy this 45 minute advertisement before service resumes.
GLORIA
AN AD FOR THIS VERY DEVICE! ON TEMU?!
MCGRATH
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, I KNEW IT! The hell did we expect from a company founded by Whitmire's kid! You know he flunked out of Yale!
GLORIA
I mean, that's not uncommon...
MCGRATH
During freshman orientation? Maybe I can adjust--YIKES that's HOT!
GLORIA
Aren't there any gloves in the gear?
MCGRATH
There sure as AAIII are not... How hot is this thing now?
GLORIA
The gauge says two hundred... two ten-ish... two twenty-ish...
MCGRATH
Two twenty-ish? What in the ballpark frank kinda gauge does this thing have on it?
GLORIA
Classic mercury and glass.
MCGRATH
On something heating up to twenty two hundred degrees? It's gonna--
SFX - A TINY EXPLOSION, LIKE MERCURY AND GLASS JUST BURST
GLORIA
Were you going to say 'it's gonna burst'?
MCGRATH
I HATE BEING RIGHT!
SFX - TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
SERGEANT
It is hot in here...
SECURITY GUY
My mom went through this though when she got to be your age.
SERGEANT
I... I don't think it's the same...
SFX - TINY CRUMBLING OF CONCRETE, OR A CRACK... WHATEVER IS SUBTLE AND GETS IT ACROSS
SKIP
<Concerned grunting?>
SERGEANT
QUIET. It's like he's trying to communicate with us.
SECURITY GUY
Don't look into his eyes. Assassins Vicieux can steal your soul.
SERGEANT
You've got a lot of really suspect information at your fingertips today, Rolf, have you been on Reddit again?
SECURITY GUY
It's a user curated clearing house for information the mainstream media doesn't want you to know...
SFX - MORE CRUMBLING CONCRETE
SKIP
<EXTRA concerned grunting>
SERGEANT
What? What in the... the wall of the vault, look! It's CRACKING!
SECURITY GUY
Assassins Vicieux mind powers!
SERGEANT
Rolf, for Pete's sake--
SKIP
<Begins grunting dots and dashes>
SERGEANT
What? Is he grunting Morse code?
SECURITY GUY
No! Morse code is a trick invented by the illuminati that forces our biorhythms into arrhythmia--
SERGEANT
ENOUGH REDDIT FROM ROLF, guards, take him away. AND LOCK THE DOOR!
(SFX - THEY DO)
Now what are you trying to tell me... dot dot dash dash...
SFX - TRANSITION SOUND
INT. DEGOUTANT'S TRUCK
BOWDEN
You're not wasting any time, are you?
DEGOUTANT
Does my driving worry you?
BOWDEN
What, me, worry, never. You just like to accelerate when there's no road.
DEGOUTANT
I know this country like the back of my hand! It is part of my soul! After all, it is why we're trying to pull off this grand scheme of ours! So this glorious country, home of my ancestors, gets her due!
BOWDEN
That's... beautiful.
DEGOUTANT
Eh, I took an online creative writing class at Strayer University. Never did get my degree in the mail.
BOWDEN
I wouldn't hold my breath.
DEGOUTANT
But you are holding your breath. My driving does make you nervous!
BOWDEN
No, no, I've driven tanks faster than this into battle in the--
(SFX - KA-THUNK)
HOLY SMOKES I THINK WE HIT A MOOSE.
DEGOUTANT
It was a chicken.
BOWDEN
A BIG CHICKEN?
DEGOUTANT
Listen, why don't we put on some music? Put you at ease.
BOWDEN
A visor mounted CD case! That brings me back to the days of the Clinton administration and dial-up AOL... holy movie scores! Maurice Jarre's (Zha-RAY's) Lawrence of Arabia, Elmer Bernstein's The Great Escape...
DEGOUTANT
Keep flipping, they get better.
BOWDEN
Bernard Herrmann! Vertigo, Taxi Driver...
DEGOUTANT
You looking at me? YOU LOOKIN' AT ME?
BOWDEN
You, sir, have taste!
DEGOUTANT
I would hope so, otherwise we wouldn't be out here trying to pull off the impossible in the mountains!
BOWDEN
What... do you mean?
DEGOUTANT
What do you mean, you've heard the rumors, it's why you sought me out!
BOWDEN
You're attempting a coup against the President, that's the rumor...
DEGOUTANT
A coup? Against my future business partner? Never! Here, look at our business plan!
SFX - A FOLDER LANDS IN BO'S LAP
BOWDEN
A FILM STUDIO?!?!
DEGOUTANT
We're going to bring back the mid tier adult oriented thriller that Hollywood has abandoned! President Inefficace's daughter wants to be a movie star, and we're not only going to make that happen, but revitalize Androvia's economy in the process!
BOWDEN
She's written a screenplay called Bloody Coup about a zombie invasion?
DEGOUTANT
I mean, it's not great, she named her character Sweeney Sydney for example. But we'll handle that in a rewrite. And I've trained my men to fight EXACTLY like the zombies in her story! Why do you think we were drilling them so hard--oh, I see why you thought the bloody coup thing.
BOWDEN
But you didn't want her here!
DEGOUTANT
WE'RE NOT READY! We don't want to bring in Colette until the President agrees we are a capable mid-tier independent producer with existing overseas distribution deals and twenty million to invest on an obvious vanity project!
BOWDEN
TURN THIS JEEP AROUND.
SFX - TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
SKIP
<Still grunting out Morse>
SERGEANT
The... caulk... wad... is ... around... my... check?
SKIP
<Grunts no, morse again>
GUARD
The... vole? Oh, the vault!
SKIP
<Grunts 'bingo'>
SERGEANT
The vault wall will jumble? Rumble? Royal Rumble, WWE ROYAL RUMBLE!
SKIP
CRUMBLE! THE VAULT WILL CRUMBLE! IT'S MORSE, NOT CHARADES!
SERGEANT
You can talk?
SKIP
It's.... a... DEBUTANTE BALL MIRACLE!
KIKI ST. CLAIR (OFF)
Those cost 20,000 extra!
SERGEANT
What else are you hiding from--
SFX - THE VAULT WALL CRUMBLES, KNOCKING OUT THE SERGEANT
SKIP
Well, the plan was not for the vault walls to crumble... oh dear, that ice sculpture has seen better days...McGrath, Gloria, come in! COME IN! The heat is too hot! We're destabilizing the whole compound... McGrath? Gloria!
(A BEAT)
They must be too far underground for comms... if I can get close enough to the hole in the vault floor maybe they'll hear me...
(SFX - HANDCUFFS JERK)
HOW DID I FORGET I WAS HANDCUFFED!
SFX - TRANSITION
INT. TUNNEL
SFX - MORE RUMBLES
MCGRATH
That can't be good, can it?
GLORIA
Not if the vault was cement after all...
SFX - BIG RUMBLE
MCGRATH
So is the compound's foundation! Skip, Bo, can either of you hear me? What's going on up there! DAMMIT, we're too far underground!
GLORIA
At this point, let's just get out of this tunnel--
SFX - BIG RUMBLE, LANDSLIDE
MCGRATH
THE CEILING'S CRUMBLING, MOVE!
SFX - PART OF THE TUNNEL COLLAPSES
MCGRATH
Totally blocked off! Is there any other way out of this tunnel?!
GLORIA
I don't know, the map is on the app, which is only halfway through a LinkedIn infomercial!
MCGRATH
DAMMIT, I should have known this device was crap! I did know, and I let a snazzy app con me!
GLORIA
HEY! What's done is done! But let's get our heads on straight now, so one mistake doesn't become two! Ooh. You're right, harsh criticism feels good!
MCGRATH
Doesn't it? You're right, G. Let's Andy Weir our way out of this. We've got to shut down the heating element.
GLORIA
But how, we can't even touch it!
MCGRATH
Disconnect the battery?
GLORIA
But the connection is at the heater... can you cut the power line?
MCGRATH
It's encased in metal, and I didn't bring my hacksaw! Athena would be so mad, she never leaves the house without hers...
GLORIA
WITHOUT HER HACKSAW?! Good Lord, we're going to die down here and my final words to Bo are a note on his script to make a random lesbian love scene hotter!
MCGRATH
Wait... WAIT. THAT'S IT! MAKE IT HOTTER! We have to drain the battery!
GLORIA
But there's only one power draw, the heater itself!
MCGRATH
Which is why I'm cranking it up!
SFX - A SURGE OF POWER, TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
SFX - MORE CRUMBLING
SKIP
Another wall has crumbled?! Even Agent Skippy G has to admit this is out of hand... have to get free of these cuffs... wait! Bowden's bobby pins! If I can... just... reach... one... with my... foot... OH NO, ALL THE MELTED BUTTER--
(SFX - SKIP FALLS)
OWWW... why did I bring my keys...
SFX - MORE CRUMBLING
KIKI ST. CLAIR
GIVE A GIRL SOME PRIVACY IN THE LADIES ROOM -- Wait, did the bathroom wall just collapse or am I having a flashback up to 10 years later?
SKIP
Mizz St. Claire! Help!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Did someone change the party theme from Hollywood to HELL! Because there are CONTRACTED CHANGE FEES!
SKIP
Kiki, please just grab one of those bobby pins!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
DO YOU NEED A MAKEOVER! We're going to have a whole makeover station--
SKIP
We won't have any stations if we don't keep this building from collapsing! I just need this pin to pick these cuffs--
(SFX - CLICK)
Done! Now let's get--
(SFX - DOOR'S LOCKED)
DARNIT! Still locked!
SFX - ANOTHER WALL CRUMBLES
SKIP
If I can get close enough to the device, I can call down to my teammates underground!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Then move!
SKIP
Whoops, melted butter!
(Skip falls)
Oh, yikes, all this ice cream... hopefully you kept receipts... McGrath! Gloria! The heat is too hot, the headquarters is going to crumble!
(SFX - POP)
What? What the... POPCORN?
SFX - THE ROOM BEGINS TO FILL WITH POPCORN
KIKI ST. CLAIR
SHE PAID THE 43,000 POPCORN FEE! JUST PUSH THROUGH IT!
SFX - PUSHING THROUGH POPCORN
SKIP
MCGRATH! GLORIA! CUT THE POWER, THE HEAT'S TOO MUCH!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
INT. TUNNEL
SKIP (distant)
MCGRATH! GLORIA!
MCGRATH
Is that Skip?
SKIP (distant)
CUT THE POWER! IT'S TOO HOT!
MCGRATH
WE KNOW, WE'RE DRAINING THE BATTERY!
SKIP (distant)
YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE IT COOLER BY MAKING IT HOTTER?!
MCGRATH
DON'T YOU START, TOO!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
SKIP
They can't shut off the heat so they're trying to drain the battery! We have to move all the flammable stuff away from the device!
SFX - Moving back and forth--lots of 'OOH THAT'S HOT
KIKI ST. CLAIR
Start with the linseed oil!
SKIP
Why is this even here?!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
The President paid for the furniture refinishing activity as part of the party package!
SKIP
HOW IS THAT A PARTY?!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
I DON'T KNOW WHY RICH PEOPLE SPEND WHAT THEY SPEND!!!
SKIP
Whoah, more popcorn!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
The aerosol cans, move them there!
SKIP
So much cognac... hand me those propane tanks!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
WE SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH THOSE!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
INT. TUNNELS
GLORIA
Did Skip say propane tanks!?!
MCGRATH
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP THERE-- We've got to drain this battery faster!
GLORIA
We can't! That would require removing all the safety buffers and we can't--
MCGRATH
THE ADVERTISEMENT ON THE APP FINISHED, WE'RE IN!
(SFX - TYPING)
I'LL REMOVE THE SAFETY BUFFERS THAT WAY!
SFX - QUICK TRANSITION
INT. DEGOUTANT'S HQ AND VAULT
KIKI ST. CLAIR
IS THAT THING GETTING HOTTER?!
SKIP
If it is, it's because Agent Skippy G's team knows what they're doing! WHAT IS THIS DRYER LINT DOING HERE!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
KINDLING FOR CAMPFIRES!
SKIP
Is the MOST flammable stuff moved away from the heating element?
KIKI ST. CLAIR
I think so. But it won't matter if your team can't--
SFX - POWER DOWN
KIKI ST. CLAIR
--shut down the heater!
SKIP
THEY DID IT!
SKIP
Ah... ahhhhhhh. OK. Deep breaths. We're going to be OK.
KIKI ST. CLAIR
We are, thanks to you. And... wait... where's your friend?
SFX - BOWDEN RUSHES IN
BOWDEN
WHERE'S MY SATCHEL, I'VE GOT A SCRIPT TO PITCH!
SKIP
BOWDEN, NO, YOU'LL KNOCK OVER ALL THE--
SFX - BOWDEN KNOCKS EVERYTHING OVER
BOWDEN
PROPANE AND LINSEED OIL? WHY!
SKIP
THE LINSEED OIL IS RUNNING TOWARDS THE HEATER!
KIKI ST. CLAIR
THERE'S NO WAY IT'S COOLED OFF YET, RUN!
BOWDEN
MY SCRIPT!
SKIP
LEAVE IT BOWDEN!
SFX - THEY FLEE AS THE LINSEED OIL HITS THE HEATER, CATCHES FIRE, AND EVERYTHING EXPLODES - TRANSITION MUSIC
INT. BRIEFING ROOM
SKIP
And as the compound went into lockdown, Bowden and I were able to make our way to the extraction point, where Gloria and McGrath found us in short order.
MCGRATH
We just had to follow the muttering.
BOWDEN
Distribution deals... vanity projects...
MCGRATH
Yup. That muttering.
GLORIA
Sip your La Croix, honey.
ZELDA
Well, while you were away, AAIII was banned from government contracts through the year 3025. It turns out all of their products were designed by a ChatGPT clone whose Large Language Model was nothing but 60's TV scripts. It seems the Drill 'n Melt was a combination of a coconut gun from Gilligan's Island and an episode of Get Smart.
MCGRATH
Guys. Allow me to make a solemn vow. I will never again shut my mouth during a briefing just because I got lured in by snazzy tech. I should have said what was on my mind from the jump.
GLORIA
Same here... Bowden?
BOWDEN
I know, dear, I know. Just shake this off. I didn't need that studio, I've got a dynamite script and somebody somewhere will--
GLORIA
Bowden, your screenplay... has problems.
BOWDEN
It sucks, doesn't it.
GLORIA
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
MCGRATH
Now, don't throw out the Gertrude Hippolyta scenes. I actually commissioned some concept art--
BOWDEN
It's fine. I'm fine. Skippy G?
SKIP
Hm? Oh! Oh, yes, um... B-Dog?
BOWDEN
How about we go tie on a white wine spritzer or six and get some real tattoos?
SKIP
Skippy G abides, B-Dog. Don't wait up!
SFX - DOOR SLAMS
GLORIA
I think I created a monster.
STUDEBAKER (O.S.)
Hey, put down those test tubes!
MINI MCGRATH (O.S.)
Yellow and blue make boom!
SFX - EXPLOSION FROM THE LAB
MCGRATH
Join the club, G. Join the club.
MUSIC: END CREDITS
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by John Dowgin.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini-McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Stanger
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Kiki St. Clair
and Bob Killion as Degoutant and Security Guy
Guest Starring
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Pete Barry as the App Voice
J. Michael DeAngelis as the Lookout
Dave Serfass as Pierre
and David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire
Music by Pete Barry
Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin
Are you, like me, freezing your ass off this winter? Why not warm yourself with a hot coco in one of our official Mission Reject mugs or cozy up under an oversized Mission Rejected sweatshirt? Oh, you're listening from a part of the world where it's summer? We have shorts too. Visit merch.missionrejected.com and start shopping for any season!
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. FOUR SEASONS PARIS - EVENING
SFX: A fireplace crackles. Classical music plays. There’s a knock at the door, footsteps as someone opens the door to reveal Pierre.
PIERRE
Good evening, monsieur. I am aloofly humbled to bring monsieur his dinner this evening.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Place it on the table, please.
PIERRE
But of course.
SFX: Pierre lifts the lid off the room service platter.
PIERRE
Duck a l’orange avec les pommes frites, a warm kale salad with our famous peach glaze and goat cheese, breast of chicken in white wine reduction, filet mignon served rare and bloody... and le piece de resistance... dino nuggets.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Excellent. You may feed me now.
PIERRE
Ehhh...pardon?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You’re not seriously suggesting I feed myself, are you?
PIERRE
Merde. Alright. Here comes Monsieur T-Rex. Roar for the T-Rex! Let him into your cave!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Ahhhhhh....
SFX: CRASH! Someone bursts through the door.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
AHHHHHHHHH!
PIERRE
AHHHHHH!
SFX: Pierre takes a karate chop and goes down cold.
ATHENA
Hello, Terry!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Athena O’Brien! How did you find me!
ATHENA
The frogs told me.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
You have French spies?!?
ATHENA
No. I have frogs. Good job, Kermit.
SFX: Kermit croaks.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
But...but...I changed my identity!
ATHENA
“Toddy Thousands”?? Yup, that fooled everyone!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
But...but...I’m staying in this SLUM.
ATHENA
THE FOUR SEASONS PARIS IS A SLUM?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
They wouldn’t even chew my food for me!
ATHENA
Oh you poor baby.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
What do you want, Athena? You’ve already taken everything from me. My money. My company. My terms and conditions!! Is it my life you want?
ATHENA
Oh, Terry, you betrayed and abandoned me. My father DIED because of your actions. After Tomas, you are number two with a bullet on my hit list.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Alas, to think I’m going to meet my end in a mere five star hotel. How the mighty have fallen. Do it then. I have nothing to live for.
ATHENA
You are not that lucky. You see, Terry, you still have something I need.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
I...do?
ATHENA
You are going to tell me everything I need to know about clones.
MUSIC: END STINGER