Season Six, Episode Five: We Fought A Zoo
Transcript

INT. CHET'S CAR - NIGHT

The familiar sound of Mission Voice on a tape. Chet munches on snacks.

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good evening, Mr. Phillips. Infamous mob figure Kristatos O'Brien has been spotted smuggling cash-filled potatoes off the coast of Wicklow, Ireland. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to hide inside a sack of potatoes onboard the SS Idaho Gold...

CHET
Classic.

SFX: Fast forward.

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
Good evening Chet. The EMF has recently learned that L. Ron Ledonne, Chief Scientist at the Happy Valley Nuclear Reactor, is deeply in debt to the Albanian mob, leaving our nuclear secrets in a vulnerable position...

CHET
Those were the days. I still get Christmas Cards from the Albanian mob.

SFX: Fast forward.

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
... once again, the Parisian authorities have been unable to protect the patrons of their famed opera house from a masked madman--

SFX: A knock on the window. Chart is startled, chokes on his snack. He rolls down the window.

CHET
What are you doing here?

MISSION VOICE
Let me in.

The door opens.

CHET
Hey buddy. Flamin' Hot Cheeto?

MISSION VOICE (ON TAPE)
We suggest using the talents of Cardamom Brandy to lure the masked murderer from his hiding spot...

MISSION VOICE
Are you seriously listening to old mission tapes? This is shocking.

CHET
I find it very relaxing!

MISSION VOICE
No, it's shocking that you still have a tape deck in your car.

CHET
Hey, you can't find my new wave hits mixtape on streaming! I've got "Chicken Outlaw" on there!

MISSION VOICE
You're supposed to be tracking that mysterious signal.

CHET
I am. Look.

SFX: Chet turns off the tape and pulls out some sort of tracking device that whirs and beeps.

CHET
Called in a little favor from an old friend at NASA. We launched a few rockets if you know what I mean.

MISSION VOICE
(sighs)

CHET
I've got it locked on to your mystery signal.

SFX: The mystery signal.

CHET
When it triangulates its source, it will beep.

SFX: Beep!

CHET
Just like that! Come on, let's go!

MISSION VOICE
In these heels? No thanks I'll wait here. Leave the cheetos.

SFX: Chet tosses her the snacks and runs out of the car.

ACTION MUSIC

SFX: Chet runs, Tom Cruise style, through the streets. The beep gets more intense as he gets closer to his target.

CHET (as he runs)
Left on 4th. Right on Jamestown. Right onto Main. Left back onto 4th... what is this, Waze?

SFX: BEEP BEEP BEEP

CHET
It's in here!

Chet kicks in a door. We're in a busy store. We can hear the mysterious signal... coming from a cash register.

HUNGRY JOHN
...and... mmm. An order of flaming hot churros.

SQUEAKY VOICE PETE
That will be $15.74. Have a taco- riffic day. Next?

CHET
What's going on here?

SQUEAKY VOICE PETE
Hola and welcome to Tacos on Fourth. Would you like to try our neew bean blast burrito?

CHET
No. Well... yes.

SFX: Pete presses a button on the register and we hear the mysterious signal.

CHET
It's locked onto your cash register? Geez Louise, we really need to start funding NASA better.

SQUEAKY VOICE PETE
Would you like fries with that?

CHET
Rejected.

MUSIC: THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode: We Fought a Zoo.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

The familiar beeps and boops. Also, the steady oom-pah-pahing of a tuba.

The door opens.

MCGRATH
Z, c'mon!

ZELDA
No, Mcgrath, I'm not getting the EMF rocket launchers.

MCGRATH
But it would be so cool!

A pause. The tubaing stops.

ZELDA
Skip... what are you doing?

SKIP
You know, mamacita. Just practicing the tuba.

MCGRATH
Oh great. Let me guess. You're still rebelling?

SKIP
Bingo.

ZELDA
Uh-- okay... how is playing the tuba rebelling?

SKIP
I joined a band. I googled "how to be a rebel" and it said during the counterculture movement, rebellious sentiment was often expressed by playing music in a band. So I joined the Cobb Creek Marching Band!

MCGRATH
Jesus Christ...

SKIP
What?

MCGRATH
Skip, practicing scales on the tuba isn't rebelling. Rebels join rock bands with heavy eyeliner and drugs. Not marching bands.

SKIP
Wait, really?

ZELDA
As someone who headlined a punk band in the 80s, I can confirm. Think Kurt Cobain, not Robert Preston.

SKIP
But wouldn't playing the tuba actually make me the ultimate rebel?

ZELDA
I can't wait to hear this logic.

SKIP
Well, if MOST rebels join one of those chemical romance bands, isn't playing the tuba in a marching band rebelling against the rebel playbook itself?

MCGRATH
Skip, I've been in prison and stolen hundreds of thousands from the rich. That's real anarchy. Not playing the tuba.

SKIP
I can cause anarchy!

MCGRATH
Look, Skip, this whole phase has been cute and all, but the worst thing I've seen you do is send back a grilled cheese that you found a hair in. And it wrecked you. I really don't think you have what it NO DON'T THROW THE-!

Skip throws his tuba across the room as THE DOOR OPENS.

SKIP
Anarchy!!!!

GLORIA
WAAAH!

She dodges out of the way just in time. It CRASHES into the door.

SKIP
Oh my - sorry Gloria!

GLORIA (rattled)
So I know "don't throw tubas" isn't expressly in the office safety guidelines, but I didn't think it needed to be!

MCGRATH
Skip, rebels don't maim their friends!

SKIP
I hear you. But theoretically, if that's what most rebels do, wouldn't the truly rebellious thing be to--

GLORIA
SKIP NO MAIMING!

ZELDA
Enough of this. Gloria, where's Bowden?

GLORIA
He'll meet us here, he said he had an appointment.

MCGRATH
For what?

SFX: The door opens.

BOWDEN
Hello everyone! Lovely day isn't it?

Stunned silence.

BOWDEN
What?

SKIP
Um, Bowden? Did you dye your hai--

BOWDEN
NO! No. What?

GLORIA
Oh sweetheart...

BOWDEN
What?? Everything is peachy.

MCGRATH
Did someone swap your shampoo for motor oil? Why is it all black and slimy?

ZELDA
Bowden, it's in your EMF contract: if you're having a midlife crisis, you have to tell us.

BOWDEN
Guys, no! No! This is just my hair, I had a good night's sleep, maybe that's what you're seeing?

MCGRATH
Oh, I'm sorry. Does a good night's sleep make you look like a demented Ken doll?

GLORIA
Bowden, is this because of what Gary said?

BOWDEN
Of course not! I haven't even thought about that.

SKIP
Why? What did Gary say?

GLORIA
He said he was too old for a part he wanted.

BOWDEN
Not just any role! My dream role - the lead in Stalker! It's Fincher's gritty adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk.

MCGRATH
Ugh. Is there no limit to what they they'll adapt?

ZELDA
Well, I hear they've been working on a Stretch Armstrong movie for decades so... no.

BOWDEN
It's perfect for me! In this movie, Jack is suave and daring, but emotionally broken, unable to let go of his beloved cow's mysterious murder.

GLORIA
He's also 26.

BOWDEN
What? I can play 26!

Everyone mumbles awkwardly.

BOWDEN
Look, the producer is entitled to his idiotic opinion. And I'm entitled to prove him dead wrong!

MCGRATH
By looking like a reject Professor Snape?

BOWDEN
This is the role of the year! Perfect Oscar bait. I'm not going to let Timothee Chalamet swoop in and Wonka me again. So my distinguished Clooney-esque salt and pepper had to go. I've also been working on my climbing--

GLORIA
It's true. He climbed the telephone pole outside out apartment three times. He kept yelling Free Solo.

BOWDEN
See? Could I do that if I were TOO OLD? Man I tell ya, it's these unrealistic beauty standards we're up against! But nothing a box of Carbonic Rizz #6 can't fix!

ZELDA
Skip, can we get to the mission?

SKIP
Sorry, there's no Skip here.

ZELDA (sigh)
Skippy G?

SKIP
Actually no. I've graduated to my ultimate agent of chaos: Renegade Skip! Mwahahaha!

Awkward silence.

ZELDA
Just get to the briefing.

SKIP
I'll do what I want! And what I want to do....is a briefing!

SFX: Click of the slide projector.

SKIP
This is Leroy Elwood Quattlebaum. Ten years ago, he was on track to be the most famous animal geneticist of the age.

Pause.

BOWDEN
Yes?

ZELDA
Go on?

SKIP
Seriously? None of you noticed?

GLORIA
Notice what?

SKIP
I used Comic Sans font instead of Times New Roman! Duh! How's that for rebelling, Mcgrath?

MCGRATH
Someone alert the FBI. We have a real maverick on the loose.

SKIP
Anyway, moving on. Quattlebaum was at the top of us field. If you wanted to learn anything about animal genetics, you went to him. Itsak Merski, Helena Gropp, and Bjorn Kleinschmidt were all students of his at one point or another.

GLORIA
Wait... Bjorn Kleinschmidt?

SKIP
That's right. The bio-terrorist we stopped at the county fair.

MCGRATH
Okay, so this guy is a big deal. What's the stink on him?

SKIP
He was a big deal... until about five years ago.

BOWDEN
What happened?
(gasp)
Did Warner Brothers shelve his project for tax purposes too?

SKIP
Put simply, he had a nervous break. Here's him at the National Zoological Society's annual conference.

SFX: Click. A video plays. General crashes and shouting can be heard.

GLORIA
Oh- oh MY!

MCGRATH
Oh man. And I thought I was embarrassed when I accidentally farted during Prescott's memorial service.

SKIP
Quattlebaum withdrew from all professional organizations and fell off the grid. No one had seen or heard from him in years... until a few months ago when his name showed up on public records having purchased this:

Click.

SKIP
The Ewing Wildlife Reserve in Littlefield, New Hampshire. It started as a private menagerie in 1843 but eventually became an accredited wildlife sanctuary to adhere to new state and federal laws.

MCGRATH
So he went into hiding for five years until he suddenly emerged and bought a zoo? Why?

SKIP
We... don't know. He has expressed written intent to open it to the public - he has to in order to maintain its sanctuary status - but he hasn't actually sold any tickets or held any events since he took possession.

GLORIA
What are the chances this guy just likes animals? I mean, he built his career around studying them.

ZELDA
It's possible - but popping up randomly after a psychotic break naturally raises red flags. And then there are the specifics of Quattlebaum's academic research: modifying DNA and multi-genome grafting. His early research focused on tweaking genetic code to boost natural traits. His later work shifted to a focus on anomalous prehistoric DNA and its compatibility with samples further down the evolutionary scale. It could be nothing, but the powers that be want to ensure there's nothing... untoward happening.

BOWDEN
Wait... weird prehistoric DNA samples. A mad scientist with more than a few screws lose? A secret wildlife reserve that the public doesn't have access to? Is this Jurassic Park???

ZELDA
Well, I doubt it's something quite so cinematic... but we can't rule it out.

MCGRATH
Awww heck yes! Dinosaur mission!

SFX: Click

ZELDA
Before we know exactly how to handle this, we mostly need more information. That's where you all come in. You'll need to infiltrate the compound, investigate, and plant bugs for reconnaissance. Since we have very little information about what you're walking into, you're advised to not take any action. Just get in, gather information, and report back.

BOWDEN
Probably for the best we're just getting a read. How the heck are we supposed to put a stop to dinosaurs?

SKIP
A meteor, duh! Ha, that's a Renegade Skip zinger for ya, TM!

MCGRATH
Did you just trademark your zinger?

SKIP
Didn't see that one coming, did you? Renegade!

ZELDA
Gloria and Skip--

SKIP
Renegade Skip.

ZELDA
... fine. Gloria and Renegade Skip, you'll go undercover as a pair of municipal inspectors. Given that Quattlebaum is trying to maintain sanctuary status for tax reasons, he'll have to let you in. Go in and get whatever photographic evidence you can AND plant these--

She places a box on the table.

ZELDA
--tiny cameras around the refuge so we can continue to monitor Quattlebaum's activity after you've left.

GLORIA
Aww they're so cute, they look like butterflies!

ZELDA
They'll adhere to trees, benches, anything. They'll blend right in an outdoor wildlife sanctuary. If anything looks particularly suspicious, prioritize putting cameras there.

SKIP
Renegade Skip doesn't do cute. Renegade Skip blends cute up into a protein smoothie and digests it easily through his large intestine.

GLORIA
Skip, are you going to be a problem on this mission?

SKIP
Skippy G doesn't cause problems, he barrages through them with a trebuchet... of anarchy!

GLORIA
Oh. Great.

ZELDA
McGrath, you'll be disguised as a delivery driver. Quattlebaum has 400 lbs of animal feed delivered each week. We've intercepted the order and you're cleared to drop it off in the delivery bay behind the refuge. You'll have to sneak in through the back gate but once you're inside, locate his computer system - it's airlocked, so we haven't been able to hack it. Download any evidence of what he's working on and any accomplices he might have. Quattlebaum coming out of the woodwork so suddenly after all this time makes me wonder if someone else is actually pulling the strings. We need to be sure.

MCGRATH
Okay. But won't Quattlebaum notice a delivery driver skulking around his office?

ZELDA
That's where Bowden comes in.

BOWDEN
Yes! My turn for attention!... what's my job?

ZELDA
You'll distract him long enough for Mcgrath, Gloria, and Skip to complete their tasks.

BOWDEN
Okay. And what kind of distraction are we talking here? I do a very sexy Teddy Roosevelt.
(as Roosevelt)
Speak softly and carry a BIG stick.

MCGRATH
Ack, I hated that.

ZELDA
Just a regular distraction will be fine. You'll be posing as a journalist from National Geographic, doing a spotlight on Quattlebaum's return to research.

BOWDEN
Ah.
(beat)
I think I can still make it sexy.

ZELDA
Now, I reiterate: this is meant to be a very LOW KEY mission. No nuclear weapons, no exploding vaults of molten gold, no Little Rascals-style fake shoot outs... so can we please try and make sure this is an easy, straightforward mission with no major kerfuffles?

Beat.

SFX: Clatter.

MCGRATH
Skip, why'd you push that pen cup off the table like a cat?

SKIP
Anarchy! Renegade Skip strikes again!

GLORIA
... we'll see what we can do Section Chief.

INT. CAR - DAY

The sound of the car humming down the road as Skip drives.

GLORIA
Okay Desmond Lefufu, looks the like the sanctuary is just another couple miles up to the road here.

SKIP
Roger that, Georgina Whistlethorpe...

Beat.

GLORIA
Who's coming up with these aliases?

SKIP
They put Timmy Two-Bit on it.

GLORIA
Makes sense.

The radio crackles to life.

MCGRATH (RADIO)
(eating) Breaker one niner calling in.

GLORIA
Come in Agent McGrath, you've got Agents Granger and Kovak here.

QUICK TRANSITION TO

INT. DELIVERY TRUCK CAB - SAME

MCGRATH
(chewing) Yeah, G, I know, I called you. I've got an ETA of about 10 minutes. 10 minutes until I get me my very own dinosaur.

GLORIA (RADIO)
Wait -- let's pretend for a second there are actually going to be dinosaurs there. Would you actually take one home??

MCGRATH
(chewing) Sure, why not? Mini Mcgrath is getting a little too comfortable. She could use some competition.

GLORIA (RADIO)
Are you seriously eating right now?

MCGRATH
Yeah, it's a road trip, duh.

GLORIA
It's not a road trip, it's a mission!

MCGRATH
Oh whatever. I have corn nuts, Oreos, mozzarella cheese stix, and cake.

SKIP
A WHOLE cake? Now that's chaos.

MCGRATH
No, don't be ridiculous. It's a little pre-packaged matcha custard cake slice. This is the mac daddy of all foreign confections and they're impossible to get here. I had to order it special from Japan.

GLORIA
And you had to bring it with you?

MCGRATH
Yes. It came in yesterday and Gloria, you don't know how bomb it is until you've tasted it. Besides, you know I like a little treat after a mission.

GLORIA
All I'm saying is that I think our missions might go a little more smoothly if saved all of the cake focus until after we've completed the job.

MCGRATH
(chewing) Hey! I resent that, I am fully focused on the mission.

GLORIA
I hear you chewing, keep your eyes on theAHHHHHHHHHHH!

SKIP (RADIO)
ANARCHY!!!!! Roads are just suggestions! I can't be taaaaaaaaamed!

Over the radio we hear screeching wheels, lots of yelling, an enormous crunching of metal. Then silence, except for the sound of Mcgrath's truck driving.

MCGRATH
What the--?! Uh.... Guys?? Are you dead?

Nothing.

TRANSITION MUSIC

EXT. DITCH ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY

The sound of wreckage smoking. A dazed Skip and Gloria scramble out of the debris.

GLORIA
What in the ever-loving frack, Skip? And don't you dare say-

GLORIA
So you crashed the car on purpose???

SKIP
Well, I wasn't trying to crash per se, I was trying to do some cool off roading tricks and I... just didn't see the ditch.

GLORIA
Oh my-- you wrecked our comms system, we can't even communicate with Mackenzie!

SKIP
Oh, right... well, guess we'll just have to wing it - renegade-style!

GLORIA
THAT'S WHAT GOT US IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Ugh. Whatever. A mission waits for no man. We better get moving because it looks like we're walking the rest of the way.

QUICK TRANSITION

INT. DELIVERY TRUCK - DAY

MCGRATH
Guys? GUYS? Come in!

No response.

MCGRATH
Okay-- okay. I just have to... trust that Gloria can wrangle Skip and get them where they need to be. So I guess my best move is to just... continue on to the sanctuary.
(sees something)
What the... is that...?

She clicks on comms.

MCGRATH
Bowden? Come in.

BOWDEN (COMMS)
This is he.

MCGRATH
Did I just pass you?

BOWDEN (COMMS)
I don't know - I'm a little under a mile out from the reserve.

MCGRATH
Okay then yes, and that means I just saw you riding a Razor scooter. So I ask you: why? What happened to the Acura? Skip has been dreaming of getting us Acuras for years, you know he considers them race cars! He's gonna be crushed - or maybe not, I can't tell with this Skip anymore.

BOWDEN
I just thought I'd switch things up. It fits my backstory better - trust me.

MCGRATH
I don't like where this is going, but I'm pulling up to the sanctuary now and you need to be ready to pull Quattlebaum's focus. So can you just-- be cool, please? For once?

BOWDEN
Be cool? Come on McGrath, you know me.

MCGRATH
I know. That's why I'm worried.

EXT. BACK GATE - DAY

SFX: The truck slows to a halt and McGrath gets out.

MCGRATH (to herself)
Okay. Delivery truck, meet delivery bay. Should be good to just let this sit here while I see about this back gate...

Mcgrath picks the lock and it springs open.

MCGRATH
Aha! Yes! Why doesn't everyone learn how to pick locks?

The doors creak as she pushes it open.

MCGRATH
Alright Quattlebaum. Let me at them dinos.

TRANSITION

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY

Skip and Gloria's footsteps as they approach the entryway.

SKIP (panting)
Wait- wait up Gloria! I need a breather.

GLORIA
You should have thought of that before you totaled our transportation!

SKIP
That wasn't me, Skip - that was Renegade Skip.

GLORIA
Well Renegade skip is really grinding my nerves! Look - I'm all for you exploring what you need to explore internally, but not at the expense of a mission! So focus up, alright? We need to convince Quattlebaum to let us in there, it's the entire crux of the mission!

SKIP
Okay, let's go.

She knocks on the gate.

GLORIA (calling out)
Hello? Anyone?

The gate creaks open.

LEROY
...hello?

GLORIA
Oh! Hi there- my name is Georgina Whistlethorpe and this is Desmond Lefufu. We're from the state office.

LEROY
Oh great, government stooges.

GLORIA
Not to worry! We just need to verify a few things. You are aiming to maintain sanctuary protection status at this zoo, yes?

LEROY
Yeah... but mostly I did that for tax reasons. Guess I probably shouldn't say that to two spooks.

SKIP
Nah man, it's whatevs.

LEROY
... is it?

GLORIA
No it isn't, Desmond. To maintain that status, you need to allow public access either through standard admittance or holding events. Our records show you haven't done that in the last several months.

LEROY
Well, no one told me that!

GLORIA
The accreditation papers expressly state that. You presumably have a wonderful facility here, I'm sure the people of Littlefield down the road would love to come see it!

LEROY
Well, who says I want them to! Ugh. Fine, whatever. I guess I don't need the tax accreditation. Just bill me so you can get your slice of my pie and we can be done with it.

He goes to close the door!

SKIP
WAIT!

Leroy stops closing the door.

LEROY
What?

SKIP
Well, maybe it's a simple fix... we're technically members of the public. You could let us in, take a look around, see some animals, and then you'd be covered on the criteria for the next month. Get that sweet sweet tax cut.

LEROY
That would work? That seems like a huge loophole for a bureaucratic process. Does that really count?

GLORIA
Uh, yes! It totally does! We know what we're talking about, we live the bureaucratic process every day! Good thinking, Desmond!

LEROY (thinking)
And you really want to see the animals?

SKIP
Of course! I've got this thing where I really gotta see penguins every few months.

LEROY
That's a condition? Needing to see penguins?

GLORIA
Oh, no! Desmond misspoke. It's not a condition... it's cultural!

SKIP
Yes! It's a cultural thing!

LEROY
Are you Inuit?

SKIP
No, I uh... I'm from Pittsburgh!

GLORIA
Yes, Pittsburgh! He's really into penguins because he's from Pittsburgh! You know, like the hockey team?

A long beat as Leroy considers that. Suspense.

LEROY
Well, I don't really get it, but I guess I could sell you tickets. Hang on, let me mock up two tickets on Canva so we have a record of it.

Leroy goes back inside.

GLORIA (whisper)
Great thinking Skip! About the tax loophole, not the penguins, that was odd.

SKIP
Well, Gloria, that's who Renegade Skip is! He's a quick thinker, he lives outside the box. Base Model Skip could never have done that.

GLORIA
Ah. Well, Renegade Skip did well, but he's served his purpose, so let's put him away now.

The gate opens again and Leroy comes out.

LEROY
Alright, come on in folks and we can start the tour.

GLORIA
Oh! Thank you, but we don't need a tour or anything. I'm sure you're a very busy man, so we can just have a quick look around.

LEROY
Nonsense. You wouldn't learn anything about the animals that way, and I don't have all of the information placards up.
(ominous)
You might see some things you don't understand and wouldn't have the context for how amazing it really is.

SKIP
...That was an odd way to say that.

The sound of a scooter whizzes up.

BOWDEN (AS JACKO NAMSGAM)
Howdy-ho, daddy-o.

LEROY
Um... hello?

Skip and Gloria balk.

SKIP & GLORIA
Bwaaaah?

SKIP
Why are you riding a Razor scooter and not an Acura!?!?!
(realizes)
I mean... Acuras are just so cool, everyone should drive them!

BOWDEN
Don't tell me the cat's got all y'alls tongue pajamas. It's me, Jacko Namsgam, here on behalf of National Geographic, ready to do your profile piece Mr. Quattlebaum!

LEROY
I didn't know you were coming today!

GLORIA (aggravated as hell)
Well Jacko.. it's very interesting to see a reporter from Nat Geo wearing a sideways baseball hat and super baggy jeans. One would assume they would be dressed differently.

BOWDEN
Oh, well, the head reporter is out sick with rickets, so they sent me. I'm just a 20 year old intern, but I'm going to Columbia J-school and I got mad love for the free press and what not.

LEROY
Well, that's all fine, I'm excited for the interview, but I was just about to give these folks a tour...

SKIP
Well, National Geographic is a big deal. Like I said, me and Georgina would be happy to look around ourselves.

LEROY
Well...

BOWDEN
Yeah, king, we gotta get on this shiz now, I gotta make print tonight.

LEROY
...okay, fine. But listen you two - don't go poking around, okay? Just stay on the main path loop, that will take you past all the major exhibits. Anywhere else is OFF LIMITS, you hear?

SKIP
Oh yes, we understand Mr. Quattlebaum. Don't you worry, we're rule followers to a T.
(whispers to himself)
Renegade...

INT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - ELSEWHERE

The sound of an elephant trumpeting.

GLORIA
Alright, this camera will keep an eye on the black bear enclosure... and boom! That's the whole North America section done. Let's keep moving. I'm not sure how long Bowden's going to be able to keep up the ruse.

SKIP
Speaking of Bowden - what was that acting choice back?

GLORIA
It's what he thinks Pete Davidson is like. He doesn't actually know much about National Geographic - they passed over him for a documentary voiceover and he's been on boycott ever since-- are you even listening to me?

SKIP
Gloria, I don't like how that peacock is staring at us. He looks... mad.

GLORIA
Oh my gosh, you're right. I haven't seen a look that withering since Mackenzie told Section Chief that Kraft mac and cheese was better than white truffle sage risotto.

The peacock squawks.

SKIP
Uhh... he's coming over!!

GLORIA
Why isn't he in a pen?

SKIP
Oh, I actually know this! When I was covering the EMF's fake parakeet analysis, I looked into peacocks just to be thorough. Most zoos, botanical gardens, and parks allow peacocks to roam freely for aesthetics, because they don't roam far, and for pest control. They're supposed to be non- aggressive, and relatively low- maintenance birds.

The peacock squawks again.

GLORIA
That is not the face of a non- aggressive bird!

The peacock garbles angrily and flutters its wings.

SKIP
He's angry! Run!!

Gloria and Skip dash away.

QUICK TRANSITION

EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - ELSEWHERE

GLORIA
Okay... I think we lost him. Thank goodness there are all of these decorative rocks near this exhibit. Which animal is this for anyway?

SKIP
It says this enclosure is for a variety of primates: capuchins, tamarins, pygmy marmosets...

GLORIA
Wait, really? Awww, I wanna see! I love pygmy marmosets. Just gotta climb up here...

She climbs up on one of the rocks.

SKIP
See anything?

GLORIA
Yeah! There's a big cluster of small primates clustered around a bigger one... it's got red hair, looks REALLY angry... hang on...
(realizes) ATHENA??

SKIP
Athena?? O'BRIEN? She's here? In the monkey pit?

GLORIA (calling)
Athena!!! HEY!!!

ATHENA (calling out)
Huh? Oh Jesus - what are you two doing here?

GLORIA (calling)
Us? What are YOU doing here?

ATHENA
My business - not yours!

SKIP
Are you working with Quattlebaum?

ATHENA
Who?

GLORIA
--oh my god, Athena get out of there! NOW!

SFX: Shrieking primates.

ATHENA
I know what I’m doing!

GLORIA
There's a slow loris in the pen!

ATHENA
Yeah. And?

GLORIA
Yes! They have venom in their elbows!

ATHENA
Stop distracting me! Don't you know how hard it is to establish dominance over animals that aren't even real?

GLORIA
I don't know what you're talking about, but I know you have to get out of there now if you don't want to be chow!

Primate yowl as it lunges.

ATHENA
Oh crap!

QUICK TRANSITION

EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - SAME

Athena catches her breath.

ATHENA
Goddamn monkey tried to bite me!

GLORIA
Well... you made it, at least. What did you mean when you said none of the animals are real?

ATHENA
Cuz they're clones. All of them, every one. They're all clones. You're probably a clone too.
(to Skip)
This guy's definitely a clone.

SKIP
Am not!

He blows a raspberry!

GLORIA
Ohhhh, I understand. You're not working with Quattlebaum. You're just nuts.

ATHENA
I'm just seeing the truth.

SKIP
Hey you gals? Dudettes? No need to argue. Everything is whatevs.

ATHENA
See? Look how weird he's being!

SKIP
I'm not being weird! It's just the new me. Renegade Skip: equal parts Skippy G, Coffee Skip, and Chaos Skip all rolled into his ultimate form. Shaken, not stirred.

ATHENA
HA! You're not fooling me! Is that even your real hair?

She grabs Skip's hair. He yells.

GLORIA
Athena, stop pulling his hair!

ATHENA
Hmph. Alright, it's real. Doesn't mean, I'm wrong though. Just remember Granger: I'm onto you and all the other clones.

GLORIA
Get it together, Athena, you're going to blow our cover! Now, how'd you get in here? We barely got in.

ATHENA
Oh please. I parachuted in. I figured out you could do that with any outdoor facility years ago when I couldn't get tickets to ABBA Voyage.

GLORIA (of course)
Parachute! I should have thought of that. Next time.

SKIP
You still haven't told us what you're doing here.

ATHENA
Well, since that rotting furball Tomas betrayed me, I'm in the market for genetic tampering tools to develop underlings that WON'T betray me and leave me at the bottom of the Pacific.

SKIP
You could try Ziprecruiter first?

ATHENA
I heard this guy was the expert in mammalian genetic engineering so I thought I'd come poke around but now that I'm here - something's not right. I think...(whispers)
They're all clones.

GLORIA
Yeah, you said that. But there's no evidence of it.

SKIP (nervous)
Uh, guys? I think our friend found us.

GLORIA (gasp)
The peacock! What does he have against us?

ATHENA
Get 'em Kermit!

Athena pulls out Kermit. He ribbits.

SKIP
Hey, cool frog!

ATHENA
He's a deadly assassin and he minored in clone detection.

Ribbit. The peacock squawks angrily.

GLORIA
Put Kermit away! He's making it mad!

ATHENA
Why? Afraid it's going to flap at you?

She jumps and we hear a flutter of feathers and a squawk.

ATHENA
OW! That hurt! Impressive. You just made the roster!

The feathers rustle again as the peacock rears back.

GLORIA
Ahh! It's coming in for another! Quick, hiss and stomp your feet, scare it off!

She and Skip both try that. The peacock squawks again.

GLORIA
That made it more mad, let's get out of here!

TRANSITION

INT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - DAY

We hear some general animal sounds.

MCGRATH (to herself)
Okay. So far I'm seen polar bears, red pandas, two-pronged African gazelles, Sumatran pythons, and three-toed sloths, but no secret office and definitely no dinosaurs.
(beat)
What do you think, Mr. Walrus? Do you know where the office is?

Walrus sound.

MCGRATH
Why are you looking over -- oh! Hey! There's a door hidden in the fake jungle set! Wow, I didn't think that would actually work. Thanks Mr. Walrus.

Walrus sound.

MCGRATH
You said it. Koo-Koo koochoo.

QUICK TRANSITION

The sound of three knocks on a metal door. Then it slowly creaks open. We faintly hear some typing.

MCGRATH
Uh, hello? Food delivery? Anyone here?
(beat)
Wait a second... what the--?!?!

MCGRATH (she clicks on comms)
Skip, Gloria, come in! You'll never believe what I found in Quattlebaum's office.
(nothing)
Hello?
(nothing)
Damnit! Come in! Seriously, come in! There is a MONKEY typing on the computer!
(nothing. McGrath sighs.)
Okay, fine. Just McGrath seeing something totally insane no one is going to believe me about.

She steps into the space.

MCGRATH
Hello Mr. Monkey! I just have to get at that computer for a quick second--

The monkey turns and screeches loudly at her.

MCGRATH
WOAH! Holy shi-- how are you--? Okay, okay, it's fine. Mcgrath, you're all good, you're just staring at some kind of monkey-pig hybrid who is clearly pissed and taking it the hell out on that keyboard! Heck, can't blame him, I would be too if someone pig-ified me!
(to the monkey)
Hey there, Mr. Monkey... Ha ha, all good here, not need to worry about ol'McGrath.

THUD! The monkey-pig throws a stapler at her.

MCGRATH
HEY! Don't throw stuff, that's rude!

THUD! It throws something else.

MCGRATH
I just need to check the computer, I swear! I don't know why I'm talking to you, you can't understand me, can you?

The monkey blows a raspberry.

MCGRATH
Okay. You are showing me your ass, I'm going to take that as yes, you know exactly what I'm saying and you are mocking me.

TRANSITION

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY

SFX: The snap of a camera.

BOWDEN
So fire, my guy - this ish looks high-key skibidi, no cap. This pic is giving mad aura points, you're totes looksmaxxxing.

LEROY
Uh...okay. So did you want to ask some questions for this profile?

BOWDEN
Yasss king, the interview! I'm holding space for it.

LEROY
Alright. Let's go to my office--

BOWDEN
NO! Uh, I mean... Nah, man, nah. I'm locked in with the front gate backdrop. It's giving brat boy summer.

LEROY
Look, Jacko - let's dispense with the front. I know you're lying to me.

Bowden shifts uncomfortably.

BOWDEN
Uh... Whaaaaaat? Make it make sense, dawg. Are you delulu?

LEROY
You're clearly not a college intern. You're a man in his sixties have a late-in-life-crisis.

BOWDEN
Sixties!?

LEROY
You've obviously used some kind of expired shoe polish to darken your hair and you've piled on like nine layers of concealer. Then there's the sideways baseball cap which... look even I, an out-of-touch academic, know that was the wrong choice. I just don't know why you would do that. You work at one of the most celebrated magazines of all time. You can own your age.

Bowden sighs.

BOWDEN
I'm sorry. You're right - not about being in my 60s, that's insanity and I will serve you with defamation papers if you try to claim it again - but I confess: I was trying to make myself seem younger.

LEROY
Why did you feel the need to do that?

BOWDEN
I don't know...

LEROY
I think you do. Why don't you sit down?

Bowden sighs again and sits.

LEROY
Let me get you something to eat.

He claps. We hear a bird squawk.

BOWDEN
Woah! You have ostriches deliver your sandwiches?

LEROY
Of course. We're all working together to be the best we can be. And sometimes my best is when I'm eating a sandwich.

BOWDEN (through a mouthful)
Well, I'm famished. I scootered 16 miles today.

LEROY
So. Talk to me. Having a little midlife crisis are we?

BOWDEN
If I'm being honest, it's never been about my age. I know I'm ageless. It's that, well, lately my life hasn't been going as well as I want it to.

LEROY
In what way?

BOWDEN
Some professional disappointment. Rejection. I was almost crushed to death by the water pressure at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

LEROY
Wow, National Geographic takes its field reporting seriously!

BOWDEN
Oh uh, yes. We do. But to let you in on a secret, when I'm not working as a journalist, I'm an actor. But I haven't worked since my movie got axed. I was ready to make my return, there was this audition for Fincher's Stalked that I wanted - but they told me I was too old.

LEROY
That's ridiculous.

BOWDEN
I know, right?? But I pinned all my hopes on it - I had to, I can't miss out on another golden ticket!

LEROY
Another?

BOWDEN
Yes. You see, I was lined up to be in a risky new production of Cats in which all of the characters are dressed as dogs. Fool that I am, I let my colleague talk me out of the role and I turned it down. But NOW I hear they're doing the movie adaptation - Weber is eager for cinematic redemption after the travesty that was the James Corden Cats. If I had originated the role onstage, I could have parlayed that into the movie! But seeing as I turned the role down once, there's no way they'd cast me now. Not unless I found some truly spectacular way to wow them.

LEROY
Hmm... something spectacular, you say?

BOWDEN
Yes! I don't know. I don't know why I can't get things moving again! I just want to act.

LEROY
Well... I might be able to help you.

BOWDEN
How?
(becoming disoriented)
Woooah. Ugh. My head hurts. Everything... is spinning.

LEROY
Yes, Jacko. But it's alright. I'm going to help you. Just let it happen.

Bowden collapses.

BOWDEN (drowsy)
What-- what did you do?

LEROY
The sandwich, Jacko. Get ready... for all your wildest dreams to come true!

BOWDEN (falls unconscious)
Whaaaa......

INT. SANCTUARY EXHIBITS - DAY

Skip, Gloria, and Athena crouch behind some rocks.

SKIP
Do you think it's gone?

We hear the squawk just beyond the rocks, a little in the distance.

SKIP
That's a no.

GLORIA
This was supposed to be an antic free mission! And then Renegade Skip starts messing things and you show up Athena, acting two-strings loose of a harpsichord and we've only planted half the bugs we're supposed to and NOW we're hiding from a peacock, behind a bunch of fake rocks!

ATHENA
Hey, you're all gonna thank me when I stop the clone army.

GLORIA
Now there's an army?? You don't even realize how you sound, do you--

SKIP
Guys. I'm gonna befriend the peacock.

Beat.

GLORIA
You're just as nuts as she is.

ATHENA
No, I think you should do it. Then it could be your first friend.

SKIP
Oh shush. Renegade Skip can do it. Renegade Skip is fun, he's cool. He's got the soul of a peacock. Everyone likes Renegade Skip.

ATHENA
I don't.

GLORIA
Today, I'm not a big fan either.

SKIP
Trust me.

Skip stands up.

SKIP
Hey! Mr. Peacock? Why you gotta be like that, man? Let's all just chill out. Hang. Let loose like a goose.

Squawk!

SKIP
Sorry, sorry! Not like a goose, I didn't mean it ahhhh he's charging!

GLORIA
There's a warehouse over there! Quick, let's get inside, fast!

Gloria, Skip, and Athena run and yank open the door.

Squawk again as it runs after them.

ATHENA
Oh great, you pissed it off, dumbass! Now he’ll never sign a contract.

SKIP
So? You pissed it off last time!

ATHENA
Shut up, clone!

SKIP
You shut--AHHHH!

Another frenzied squawk as the trio screams and runs.

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

Groggy, Bowden slowly comes to.

BOWDEN (dazed)
Ughhh... Skimble, where is Skimble? Has he gone to hunt the thimble?... Oh my head hurts...

He tries to move but is bolted down to the lab table.

BOWDEN
Ahhh! What's going on! What is this, some kind of lab? Let me go!

LEROY
I will Mr. Namsgams, don't you worry. After I make your wildest dreams come true!

BOWDEN
What? How do you mean? Can you send me back in time so I can sabotage Ethan Hawk's bicycle and take his Before Sunrise audition?

LEROY
No. Your movie. It's Cats... but done as dogs?

BOWDEN
Yeah...

LEROY
Don't you see, Jacko? Open your mind to the possibilities!

BOWDEN
You're not saying Ethan Hawke should be Skimbleshanks? How dare you?

LEROY
No, I mean: what if you went in for an audition... as a cat - as a DOG?

BOWDEN
Uhhh, what are you talking about?

LEROY
I will first turn you into a cat. And then turn you into a dog. You'll have the best parts of man, cat, and dog - all at once!

BOWDEN
WHAT? No no no, you can't do that!

LEROY
But I think I can! I've been perfecting the genomic sequencing for some time now, truly gaining mastery over chromosonal manipulation. I've been able to successfully modify my animals genetic coding to boost their natural traits: intelligence, balance, aggression. But there's only so far a single creature can go. So I began to experiment with hybridizing unique DNA strands and binding then together on a cellular level. The results have been fascinating. And I believe I'm finally ready to try the procedure on a human. You'll be the world's very first cat-dog.

BOWDEN
No! Nickelodeon will sue you!

LEROY
Scientists must be willing to push boundaries in order to perform miracles. And you will be my next miracle.

BOWDEN
You're insane! Running experiments on poor helpless animals is horrible enough, don't drag me into it!

LEROY
It's not insane! I'm helping these creatures unlock their true potential. You know what they say: two heads are better than one? Well think of all of the head combinations! A grizzly bear and a goldfish. A zebra and a muscox. A horse and a donkey!

BOWDEN
...wouldn't that basically be a horse?

LEROY
Shut up, it's different! It's brilliant and when I write my paper, all of my colleagues will understand my vision! They'll finally stop mocking me.

BOWDEN
Jesus... you know there are easier outlets for deep-seated insecurities and delusions of grandeur! Have you thought about becoming an actor?

LEROY
No. It's finally time to take the next step in hybridization. You will be my masterpiece. No one else could conceive of such a feat! And you will get the role in your movie!

BOWDEN
I don't want it that badly!

LEROY
Nonsense! No one ever achieved greatness without a little risk.

BOWDEN
Don't come near me!
(he struggles)
I'll... Uhh. Bite you!

LEROY
The animals resisted too - so I had to plant a genomic chip in their brains before I operated. It submits them to deep systemic pain if they try to inflict deep bodily harm on any human - all controlled by the computer in my office. They are at my mercy and soon you will be too. Now, stay there, quietly, while I prepare the paralytic serum.

QUICK TRANSITION

INT. MYSTERIOUS WAREHOUSE - DAY

The door opens and Skip, Gloria and Athena enter. We hear the sounds of angry animals and rattling cages.

Skip gasps.

SKIP
Oh my goodness! This is--

ATHENA
I'd no that sterile smell and the sounds of terrified test subjects anywhere. This is a laboratory.

GLORIA
The poor animals, they must have been genetically modified! There's a goat with a snake's body and a duck with a lion's mane! They all look so sad.

ATHENA
I mean, that raccoon over there looks like he's smiling.

GLORIA
BECAUSE HE'S GOT ALLIGATOR TEETH!

SKIP
They're being treated like specimens! It's horrible!

ATHENA
Guys, shut up... Look down there, on the main floor.

We faintly hear Quattlebaum and Bowden arguing on the floor below.

GLORIA
Oh my god! He's got Bowden! He's shackled to the lab table - oh my god, what's he going to do to him??

ATHENA
Hopefully make him a good actor.

GLORIA
You shut it! Both of you, stay here. I'm going to sneak down there. If I can get a good angle on Quattlebaum, I can catch him off guard and take him out before he hurts Bo.

ATHENA
Okay... all I'm saying is just consider: would not sticking an elephant trunk on him be an improvement?

GLORIA
Oh my - you know what, forget it, I'm going down there. Now, neither of you can be trusted to behave reasonably , but please just stay here and for the love of god, don't touch anything.

Footsteps as she sneaks away and creeps down the stairs.

A second later, footsteps as Athena walks away.

SKIP
Athena, Gloria said to--

ATHENA
She said herself she knows I can't be trusted, so I don't really know why she expected I'd ever listen. How about you Renegade Skip? You just gonna sit there like a good boy because Kovak told you to?

Skip grumbles, torn.

TRANSITION

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

McGrath and the monkey pig continue their standoff. The monkey keeps throwing stuff at her as she dodges out of the way.

MCGRATH
Dude--! Dude! Dude-- STOP IT MR. MONKEY PIG!

The monkey pig shrieks!

MCGRATH
Alright, you wanna play dirty. Fine, how do you like-- THAT!

She whips a calculator at him, which beans him.

MCGRATH
Ha! Calculator to the face. That'll teach to you WAAAH!

The monkey chucks a desk fan at her.

MCGRATH
Hey! No desk fans, no machinery, nothing that could actually hurt me, okay? We can just-- AHHHH!

The monkey tackles her!

MCGRATH
Get OFF ME MONKEY PIG! AHHHH!

She runs around the room, getting pommeled by the monkey pig, trying to shake him off.

MCGRATH
Dude, what is your problem! Hey get -- GET OFF ME! Ugh, you weirdo, what are you-- AH MY CORN NUTS!

Her corn nuts fall out of her pocket and clatter all over the floor.

He leaps down and gobbles them up.

MCGRATH
Oh - are you just hungry?

The monkey pig pauses - then spits them out!

MCGRATH
Not a fan of corn nuts, are ya? I knew you were crazy-- AHH NOT AGAIN!

The monkey is back on her, attacking!

MCGRATH
STOP EATING MY HAIR! Oh my-- okay okay... I finished the Oreos but how about a mozzarella cheese stick- HEY!

The monkey pig throws it across the room.

MCGRATH
What are you, too good for mozzarella? I thought you were hungry!

The monkey pig keeps haranguing her.

MCGRATH
Oh crap, you smell it on me, don't you? My fancy Japanese cake? Come on man, don't make me--

Monkey pig shriek!

MCGRATH
OKAY, OKAY FINE! Here--

Mcgrath whips open the door and throws the cake outside. The monkey pig sails after it.

MCGRATH
And stay out!

She slams the door closed. Mcgrath exhales, real messed up.

MCGRATH
Jesus. I've ridden death motorcycles, nearly been frozen to death in the Antarctic, AND heard what Skip sings in the shower. Somehow THAT was way more horrifying. No time to regroup - let's get at that computer.

Mcgrath sits down at the computer and starts typing.

MCGRATH
Alright Quattlebaum, what have you got on here? At this point I'm guessing we're past the possibility of dinosaurs, but I'm thinking that the monkey- pig might be a loose end to follow?
(she keeps typing)
And I'm in! Alright, what do we have... oh Jesus. An archive of dozens... no hundreds of experiments on the animals here! Wow, this guy sucks! What did they do to him? Okay, well, I'm just going to copy all of this onto my drive...
(she waits, the computer pings a success chime)
And got it! Okay. Mission successful, I guess?
(beat)
Hang on... what's this program? Prohibitory Animal Aggression Failsafe...?
(computer ping as it boots up)
God! It's some kind of brain implant that messes with their neural chemistry. No wonder mister monkey pig was so pissed. Well, let me do my good deed of the week and just flip that bad boy off. Now -- mission complete in record time and minimal chaos and I'll still be home in time for Wheel. Time to blow this popsicle stand.
(to the monkey pig chowing down)
Yeah, you better enjoy that cake, it was my last slice.

QUICK TRANSITION

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

We can still hear Quattlebaum monologuing downstairs.

ATHENA
So Skip- What's it gonna be? You gonna do what you're told and sit there like a good little government stooge? Or you gonna stick it to Emperor Kovak and be a real rebel?

SKIP (strained, trying to resist)
I... am going to rebel... in a strategic... and thought-out way... that doesn't undermine the success of the mission. Like... doing a scandalous dance.

Skip does a little wiggle.

ATHENA
Twerking. Wow. Such a maverick. I'm awestruck.

SKIP
I can be a rebel without messing things up for my friends!

ATHENA
What I'm hearing you say is you're too afraid to really push boundaries. When the stakes are high, you back down in a second. That's being a poseur, not a rebel.

SKIP (ticked off)
I'm not afraid.

ATHENA
Yes you are. And honestly it's just funny. You spent a whole year trying to rehabilitate me into being more like you. But, your daddy hurts your feelings and within 24 hours your whole identity collapses.

SKIP (getting angrier)
Oh, quiet you!

ATHENA
And now, the vindication is just so good: now you're trying to be more like me, and you just don't have what it takes. No vision. No guts. No real edge under those button downs and Dockers.

SKIP
I'll have you know, they're Levi 501s!

ATHENA
Oooh. Got me.

SKIP
What gives Athena? You think I'm a clone, right? So shouldn't you want me to stay by the book to prove I'm not?

ATHENA
Oh, I already know you're a clone. But in the end it doesn't matter if you're a clone or the original. Both are just little programmed toy solders whose idea of acting out is spilling the milk and cookies.

SKIP (fury rising)
You're wrong! I can be whoever I want to be!

ATHENA
Face it Skip, you just don't have what it takes to push any real buttons.

SKIP (seething, at his end)
You're wrong, Athena. I can push buttons. Specifically...
(beat)
This button.

ATHENA
Wait, no don't press that--

Bam! Skip slams on the button.

SKIP
Renegade.

All the cages swing open at once. Alarms blare. We hear a cacophony of animal reactions.

SKIP
Oh jeez...

ATHENA (Dripping sarcasm)
What the HELL? Did you just open all of the cages and let all of the furious, mutated animals out?!?

SKIP
In my defense, I did not know what that big red button was going to do!!

ATHENA
I did. Thanks. And thanks for leaving YOUR fingerprints on it. I'm going pet shopping. Bye!

QUICK TRANSITION

INT. LABORATORY - DOWNSTAIRS - SAME

The alarms blare down here too. Birds are cawing, mammals roaring, insects clicking.

QUATTLEBAUM
What the-- what happened? What did you do?

BOWDEN
Me? I'm shackled to a table!

GLORIA
Not for long! Hi-KEEBA!

She takes down Quattlebaum.

BOWDEN
Oh my god, one hit KO! That nutjob was going to turn me into some kind of cat dog hybrid monstrosity!

GLORIA
Oh goodness! Though you'd be a shoo- in for Alpo commercials.

BOWDEN
Now hang on, that's interesting--

GLORIA
I was kidding! We have to get out of here, I just have to find the release mechanism...

BOWDEN
How did the animals get out?

GLORIA
I don't know and I really don't like that the answer feels equally like it could be Skip OR Athena.

She finds the mechanism.

GLORIA
Here's the latch! Let me just...

She flips it, Bowden is released.

BOWDEN
Thank you darling!

He takes note of the rampage on the floor above.

BOWDEN
My goodness, it's bedlam! We're lucky that animals can't use ladders and get down here.

A buzzing sound grows.

GLORIA
But bees can! Oh god-- or should I say mutant llama bees?

BOWDEN
Oh god! And also that's an incredible idea for a monster flick and I will be calling Gary to pitch that to Blumhouse-

GLORIA
Later, sweetheart - we have to bolt!

TRANSITION

EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - DAY

McGrath walks casually down the zoo path, whistling.

MCGRATH
Alright, I'm out of cake, but for a mission well done, I think I'm gonna treat myself to somem lasagna. Which, who are we kidding, is basically the cake of pasta.

We hear a rumbling in the distance.

MCGRATH
Huh. What's that sound?

She sees it in the distance.

MCGRATH
Oh, it's just a STAMPEDE OF FURIOUS ANIMAL CHARGING RIGHT FOR ME?? Holy- - I gotta get out of here!

She starts running.

SKIP (calling)
McGrath, there you are!

MCGRATH
Skip!

MCGRATH
Where have you been?

SKIP
I feel like I shouldn't say for fear of being blamed for everything!

MCGRATH
Nothing you could have said would have been more incriminating. Wait Skip-- you did this because of your whole rebel schtick??

A big crash as the animals in the distance knock something over.

SKIP
........No?

MCGRATH
And there goes the sheep statue. God, that made a weird fountain.

MCGRATH
I am going to give you a mountain of grief for this later, but first - I still have the delivery truck parked out back, let's get out of here.

SKIP
Wait - where are Bowden and Gloria?

TRANSITION

EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY - DAY

The sounds of absolute animal chaos. They're running wild - it's a madhouse.

Bowden and Gloria run out of the laboratory.

GLORIA
Oh my goodness, it's a zoo out here! I mean, literally!

BOWDEN
No time for wordplay darling, let's get out of here!

They start to run -

GLORIA
Ah! A hippo! It's blocking the path!

The hippo snarls.

BOWDEN
I've only seen that level of fury once before and it was when I told The Rock that I thought he peaked with Tooth Fairy.

GLORIA
Quick, let's go down this path--

Coyote snarls.

BOWDEN
Coyotes!! Oh what I wouldn't give for a roadrunner right now...

GLORIA
They're blocking us! What if we go up this way--

She turns and--

GLORIA
Oh my-- is that a tiger blended with a king cobra?

BOWDEN
Tiger King!

GLORIA
Bowden, we're boxed in!!

BOWDEN
There has to be a way out--

GLORIA
There isn't! There are just too many animals, they're swarming the place and they've got an axe to grind!!

He sees something.

BOWDEN
Hang on! There! There's a lightpost!

GLORIA
A lightpost? How does that--?

BOWDEN
I can climb it!

GLORIA
Are you sure?

BOWDEN
Totally! Climb on my back, I've been training for this! For Stalker!

GLORIA
Oh my god-- yes! Here I'll get on.

She climbs on his back. Bowden grabs hold of the lightpole and begins climbing.

BOWDEN
WOOOHOOOO! Beanstalk! Thank you David Fincher!!

TRANSITION

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

Beeps and boops. A long silence.

ZELDA
Soooo...

More silence.

ZELDA
Do I have to say it?

More silence.

ZELDA
Apparently I do. We did not avoid a kerfuffle, did we?

GLORIA
No. No we did not.

ZELDA
And like many sweaters in the 70s, this is becoming a regrettable pattern.

BOWDEN
What do you mean?

ZELDA
You burned Gilligan's weed and helped form a unreliable alliance with a law-defying bootlegger; you stopped the Amazon nuke delivery but nearly destroyed 40 miles of US highway in the process and implicated Chet and Whitmire in road rage incidents. You obliterated Degoutant's home and likely his dream of opening a movie studio. This time, you stopped Quattlebaum's experiments but unleashed a horde of mutant animals all across the state of New Hampshire. And let’s not even TALK about Athena O’Brien. It's starting to feel like we're back to how things used to go: you're succeeding on technicalities only.

MCGRATH
Hey, it wasn't my fault! I got in, did my job, and was done early enough to go get lasagna!

GLORIA
We didn't earn lasagna!

BOWDEN
Well it's certainly not on me! I distracted Quattlebaum just fine-

MCGRATH
Nothing about that Hot Topic outfit was 'fine.'

BOWDEN
Excuse me, I improvised my ass off and gave the performance of a lifetime - and I nearly got turned into a Cat-Dog for it! Sure they would make a documentary about me, but that would be the nail in the coffin of my career!

MCGRATH
Yeah, okay...

BOWDEN
Oh don't scoff at me! I wouldn't have even been in that situation if you hadn't told me to turn down Cats as Dogs!

MCGRATH
I TOLD YOU TO TAKE IT AND TAKE ME WITH YOU! Anyway, Skip is the one who let out all the animals!

SKIP
Yes, I did - I went full Renegade and it's the only reason Gloria and I got into the zoo in the first place and it's what saved you in the end Bowden! You would have been a Cat-Dog if I hadn't pulled the rip cord!

ZELDA
Pointing fingers at each other is making you all look like children. I don't think you all understand the pressure and scrutiny that this team is under and yet our missions keep ending up riddled with bonehead antics.

MCGRATH
Oh please, the only thing I did was bring a little cake with me and it saved me in the end. Bowden and Skip are the boneheads for going really off book back there!

SKIP
Hey! I'm tired of being put down any time I try anything new! This is the new Skip, but you all just want to shove him back into his old box. You're holding me back, cramping my style and I hate to say it, but what the hell, I'm Renegade Skip:
(he takes a breath)
You're being bad friends.

MCGRATH (shouting over each other)
Woah woah woah, I saved you from getting trampled!

ZELDA (shouting over each other)
I have to find a plausible way to explain to the Littlefield Police Department why their city hall has been taken over by super smart lemurs?

BOWDEN (shouting over each other)
I WAS ALMOST A CAT-DOG, WHY DON'T PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT THAT?

GLORIA
SHUUUT UPPPPP!

Everyone falls silent.

GLORIA
I am SICK of this! I've had it up to HERE with the solipsism and lack of professionalism from ALL of you! You all need to get your butts back in gear and there's only one person who can whip the lot of you back into shape!

BOWDEN
Who?

GLORIA
We're going to see my Uncle Reilly!

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISISON VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate Producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Paige Klaniecki and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice

Also starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Frida
and Bob Killion as Herschel

Guest Starring
Pete Barry as Cashier 
John Dowgin as Hungry Customer
and J. Michael DeAngelis as Leroy Quattlebaum

They say Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships, but mine is the voice that inspired a thousand pieces of fan art. Seriously, have you seen how talented some of our fans are? See their incredible portraits of me...and the rest of the EMF gang...at https://www.missionrejected.com/fan-art Maybe you'll be inspired to submit your own!

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE - DAY

A ding at one of those bells you use to get someone's attention.

HERSCHEL
Hello?

FRIDA
Hello, sir, how can I help you?

HERSCHEl
I have an appointment with the city comptroller.

FRIDA
Ah yes. You can go on in.

Footsteps and a door opens.

HERSCHEL

AHH! What the-

We hear some squeaks and chittering.

HERSCHEL
Ma'am there's some kind of monkey in here!

FRIDA
It's actually a lemur. And yes sir, that's the new comptroller.

HERSCHEL
What?? How is that possible?

FRIDA
Yep, that's right. Showed up a few days ago and challenged Mr. Norman, the previous comptroller, to a chess match for the position. Mr. Norman lost.

HERSCHEL
He lost??

FRIDA
Yes. It seems to be some kind of genius lemur. I'd complain, but he's actually a good boss. He has a great sense of our local tax legislation and he increased the party budget.

HERSCHEL
You can't just let an animal come in and take your job, no matter how smart they are! You should go to the police.

FRIDA
Oh, I'm not sure how much good that would do.

HERSCHEL
Why?

FRIDA
The police station is being run by otters.

HERSCHEL
You're joking.

FRIDA
Nope. And the sanitation department is being overhauled by pandas, the post office is under the purview of horned toads, and Littlefield broke an important glass ceiling by having the first ever flamingo librarian.

HERSCHEL
Uh...

FRIDA
Yeah, it's a little out there but I can honestly say our town has never run smoother. Who would have thought that the issue with politics was all the people? Our DA is this weird meerkat-tortoise hybrid but she is wonderfully in-tune with the community, and the commissioner is this beautiful macaw who keeps the books way more impeccably than the last guy...

MUSIC: STINGER