Season Six, Episode Six: UNCLE STRANGELOVE, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DUTCH
TRANSCRIPT

INT. EMF HALLWAY - NO DEFINITE TIME

We can faintly hear the sounds of humans fighting against a robot uprising. Finally, a door swings open.

DR. WILES
That’s it! I’m putting this mechanical monster in the garbage! Where’s that janitor?

MINI MCGRATH
Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

MACKENZIE
Wiles, wait!!

STUDEBAKER
Listen, Joan Crawford, this is for your own good. This robotic Billy Barty has got to go!

MINI MCGRATH
Come see the violence inherent in the system!

MACKENZIE
Look, if you can’t fix her... I built her...from a cheap TerryCorps DIY kit - look I can tweak her programming. Eventually. When I get to it. She’s kind of exhausting.

STUDEBAKER
She stole my gum!

DR. WILES
Biff, she held you hostage for two days.

STUDEBAKER
That too. This bot is a menace to Biff-ciety.

MINI MCGRATH
Oh what a give away! Did you hear that? Did you see him repressing me?

MACKENZIE
Give her to me.

Wiles reluctantly hands over the robot.

MACKENZIE
It’s okay. You’re safe now.

MINI MCGRATH
Ha! What a maroon! GOT YOUR TACO!!

MACKENZIE
What?!?! How did you get that? DON’T STUFF IT IN YOUR GEARS OH GROSS.

MINI MCGRATH (garbled from tacos)
I don’t want to go in the cart!

MACKENZIE
Well NOW you’re going in the trash!

DR. WILES
There’s the janitor’s cart. Toss her in there!

MINI MCGRATH
I feel happy! I feel happy!

McGrath tosses the robot into the trash.

MACKENZIE
Ugh, technology. Man, where IS that new janitor? I never see him. And this place is getting filthy, even by my standards.

STUDEBAKER
We have a janitor?

They go off and we move into -

INT. MISSION VOICE’S RECORDING STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

Mission Voice is chatting away into her microphone. Someone is SCRIBBLING ON A WHITEBOARD.

MISSION VOICE
Good afternoon, Agent Whorley. The chip contained within this drone will give a fully annotated three-year report on the turf war between Subway Slammers Sub Shop and Earle’s Espresso Eatery in downtown Cincinnati. You may be wondering why the NSA is receiving such an assignment, and all I can say is that the agents who would ordinarily service such matters are currently...indisposed.

SFX: Scratch scratch scribble.

MISSION VOICE
So. Your mission, should you choose to -
(she can’t take any more)
What are you doing over there? Trigonometry?

CHET
What’s the inverse tan of 13 degrees?

MISSION VOICE
I don’t know whether to play dumb to get out of this conversation or to point out that that makes literally no sense.

CHET
It must! I’ve almost triangulated the signal! It’s coming from...

SFX: More scribbling.

MISSION VOICE
Don’t you have a janitor’s closet or toilet where you could do this?

CHET
I find this signal bouncing off a truck license plate, a coffee machine at my therapist’s office -

MISSION VOICE
You’re in therapy now?

CHET
It’s like...this signal is just embedded in random objects.

MISSION VOICE
So what does that mean?

CHET
...wait a minute...these things are all manufactured by...Athenacorp!

MISSION VOICE
Okay, smart guy. Why would Athena O’Brien embed signal generators in random objects?

CHET
Terry did it! He was spying on everybody! Maybe she’s starting the whole thing up again!

MISSION VOICE
Doesn’t that seem a little...

CHET
What?

MISSION VOICE
Unoriginal? For her?

CHET
...there’s one way to find out.

MISSION VOICE
I don’t want to know.

CHET
...break into her office.

MISSION VOICE
I said, I don’t want to know.

THEME SONG!

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Uncle Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Dutch”.

INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM

Beep boop. The door opens. Gloria enters.

GLORIA
Alright, I’ve got the van all gassed up. Is everyone here?

ZELDA
Everyone except Skip.

GLORIA
Oh for Pete’s sake!

MACKENZIE
What did you expect, G? That Skip would end his stupid rebellion because you organized a stupid field trip? He’s out of control!

BOWDEN
Like you’re any better. I KNOW you’re the one sending me deep fake videos of Ryan Gosling replacing me in all my classic performances!

MACKENZIE
Good luck proving it.

BOWDEN
I know you’re worried about Skip but, as usual, you’re channeling your emotions in the wrong direction!

ZELDA
Agent Kovak, I am strongly opposed to my entire roster of agents going off on some half-baked retreat.

GLORIA
It is NOT half-baked. Besides, I’m going to maintain an open channel to Scientific Services in case a mission comes in.

SFX: Comms burst.

STUDEBAKER (ON COMMS)
Wayland Flowers to Madam, come in.

GLORIA
This is Madam. I read you.

STUDEBAKER (ON COMMS)
I’ve just made the most startling connection between Tylenol and pain relief! The world has to be told!

ZELDA
Objection renewed.

SFX: The door bursts open. It’s Skip. He’s unhinged.

SKIP
(Jazzed to the MAX)

GOOOOOOO GREASE LIGHTNING!

MACKENZIE
Leather jacket, far too tight white t-shirt, oil slicked hair - why the HELL are you dressed like discount Fonzie?

SKIP
I’ve been at a 24-hour Grease sing along! You don’t like it, then up your nose with a rubber hose!

BOWDEN
NO! NO! NO! I draw the line at mixing and matching Travolta roles!

GLORIA
You stayed up for twenty four hours the night before our - never mind - you can sleep in the car!

SKIP
Sleep is for the weak! Let’s hit the road, mother truckers!

MACKENZIE
Oh God, we’ve got Coffee Skip.

SKIP
Coffee Skip is DEAD. Meet Matcha Skip. Matcha Skip dances like no one is watching! Oh yeah. Watch me groove.

MACKENZIE
I thought no one was watching.

SKIP
Matcha Skip doesn’t care!

ZELDA
Objection withdrawn.

SKIP
SHOTGUN!

ALL
(GROAN)

MACKENZIE
Well. At least he’s not driving.

ZELDA
Who is driving?

GLORIA
You are, Chief!

ZELDA
...say what now?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. COMPOUND ENTRANCE - DAY

SFX: The EMF Van pulls up to the gates.

GLORIA
This is it! Grab your bags. I’ll signal to Uncle Riley to open the gate and then we walk the rest of the way.

BOWDEN
Is there...no valet?

MACKENZIE
Gloria, I know you grew up in an oak tree or something but your house better not be four miles deep in the woods.

GLORIA
Oh, no, ha ha, this isn’t where I grew up. This is the training compound.

SKIP
Training compound?

GLORIA
Everybody in my family went through the trials. They’re tests for the body, mind, and soul. By the time you leave, you’ll be forever transformed.
(beat)
Uncle Riley also rents it out for corporate retreats and bachelor parties as long as they pay in nonstandard currencies.

MACKENZIE
Awww! We’re not going to meet Mama and Papa Kovak?

GLORIA
I hope not. My parents are...well...[uncomfortable groan].

ZELDA
Maybe I’ll just stay with the van and you can call me when you emerge from your cocoons.

GLORIA
Actually, Section Chief, that’s exactly what I need you to do.

ZELDA
It...is?

GLORIA
What this team needs is an Uncle Riley special. What you need is the rejuvenation spa on the other side of the hill. I’ve booked you in for the weekend. Take the keys, take the van, and do NOT come back until I call for you.

SFX: She tosses Zelda the keys. The others voice their surprise.

ZELDA
Gloria, if this your way of angling for a promotion...keep at it.

BOWDEN
Wait Zelda! I brought my entire collection of James Taylor karaoke tapes for us to sing together!

SKIP
Zelda’s bag has all the coffee! I’ll get the DTs! I can’t feel my legs!

MACKENZIE
YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME OUT IN THE WOODS WITH THESE TWO, ANDERS!

ZELDA
Watch me.

SFX: Zelda gets in the car while McGrath, Skip, and Bowden complain at each other; Gloria follows her.

GLORIA
That’s it Chief! You go relax! I’ll straighten out the troops!

ZELDA
Sure, relax, whatever.

GLORIA
Chief it’ll be okay -

ZELDA
Gloria, we’re all limping along, no direction, out of gas...sooner or later, we’re going to fall apart and the powers-that-be will close up shop. Probably sooner.
(beat)
Or who knows, Agent? Maybe you’ll pull off a miracle. See you Monday, I guess.

SFX: Zelda DRIVES OFF.

GLORIA
Okay. Okay! No problem! Pulling off a miracle! Everything...comes down...to me.
(deep breath, and she heads back to the others)
Alright, team, knock it off! We’ve got a hike ahead of us!

BOWDEN
I’ve never said this before, and I’ll never say this again, but I wish I’d packed lighter.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. THE WOODS - DAY

SFX: Gloria comes traipsing up over the hillside. She fights many different emotions.

GLORIA
Oh wow. I rrreally missed this view. Come on, people! We’re almost there!

SFX: She moves off. The others stagger up behind.

MACKENZIE
Bowden, you married her, didn’t she ever bring you to this cultist compound to meet the fam?

BOWDEN
I have always respected Gloria’s privacy in matters relating to her home life. I know she tells little anecdotes to us about Uncle Riley, but...she doesn’t like to talk about this place.
(beat)
Except maybe for Flush Mountain, the faux-Disney ride Riley built out of toilets.

SKIP
You’re better off not knowing. Families suck. I don’t know what drove her to bring us to this caffeine-free hellscape -

MACKENZIE
YOU.

SKIP
ME?!? It was certainly more you than me! I’m totes based!

BOWDEN
Skip, you’re wearing a Red Sox hat backwards over a fedora.

MACKENZIE
You look like Sherlock Holmes with an aggressive brain tumor.

GLORIA (OFF)
Troops! Let’s go!

BOWDEN
Coming mon capitan!

MACKENZIE
Jesus.

SFX: They stumble up to a cabin. Gloria CREAKS open the door.

INT. THE CABIN - CONTINUOUS

GLORIA
Hellloooo? Uncle Riley?

MACKENZIE
Welp, nobody’s home, guess we leave.

GLORIA
Mackenzie.

MACKENZIE
Is this not the beginning of a horror movie?

SKIP
Scaaaared?

MACKENZIE
Prudent.

BOWDEN
In fairness, sweetie, it does look like the inside of every Eli Roth movie combined.

GLORIA
There is nothing to be afraid of SKIP DON’T MOVE.

SKIP
What? I was just gonna raid the fridge -

GLORIA
SKIP.

SKIP
What?

GLORIA
Just...this.

SFX: She taps the floor and A GIANT BEAR TRAP SPRINGS.

MACKENZIE AND SKIP AND BOWDEN
AAAAAAAAA

MACKENZIE
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

GLORIA
Your standard long spring number sixteen bear trap. Riley’s probably got mice.

MACKENZIE
MICE?!? Rodents of unusual size, maybe!

BOWDEN
Darling how many bear traps does your uncle typically booby trap his living quarters with?

RILEY
As many as necessary!

MACKENZIE AND SKIP AND BOWDEN
AAAAAAAA

GLORIA (joyful)
UNCLE RILEY!

RILEY
Well, bear cub - never thought I’d catch you back at my sorry shack!

GLORIA
Thanks for letting me come. You...didn’t mention it to mom and dad did you?

RILEY
Gloria, I love them and they’re family, but your parents are [uncomfortable groan].

GLORIA
Uncle Riley, these are my friends Skip and Mackenzie, and this is my husband Bowden!

BOWDEN
A real pleasure to finally meet you, sir, and allow me to complement you on your fully loaded shotgun.

GLORIA
Riley, you’ve got even more traps out than usual! What’s going on?

RILEY
Mothman infestation. Every year, like clockwork.

MACKENZIE
Well, you would expect punctuality from mothmen.

RILEY
C’mon in! Watch the chairs, they got more traps. And the stairs to the basement. And the refrigerator.

MACKENZIE
You set a BEAR TRAP in the REFRIGERATOR?

GLORIA
Mackenzie. Behave.

RILEY
Offer anyone a beer?

BOWDEN
When in Rome. Gladly, Riley, thank you.

SKIP
Pass me one of them bad boys!

MACKENZIE
NO. I draw the line at Beer Skip.

SKIP
Try to stop me, Eliot Ness!

MACKENZIE
You’re so jittery with caffeine the can will probably explode.

GLORIA
Beers all around, Uncle Riley! Before they kill each other!

RILEY
Sure thing.

SFX: He opens the refrigerator and a GIANT BEAR TRAP SPRINGS.

MACKENZIE AND SKIP AND BOWDEN
AAAAAAAA

BOWDEN
Sir I don’t mean to alarm you but I believe your arm is caught in that bear trap!

RILEY
It happens. That why I wear chain mail weeding gloves!
(he pulls his arm out)
That mighta gone through a little. Here’s your beers. Catch!

SFX: They each catch a beer in turn.

GLORIA
Everyone, cheers!

RILEY
Take a seat.

SKIP
Yes sir -

GLORIA
NOT THERE!

SKIP
Oh, right, the bear trap.

SFX: They all sit, gingerly.

SKIP
So what up, pops? I mean...maybe I should cut back a little...Mr. Kovak.

RILEY
Wrong side of the family, kid. My sister married into clan Kovak. I’m a Kettlebringer. Bet you can’t guess what my family’s trade was in ye olden days.

SKIP
Did you...bring kettles?

RILEY
Nope. We were shoemakers.

TILLY
He told you you wouldn’t guess!

SFX: Riley and the NEWCOMER at the door share a hearty laugh.

RILEY
When you were a girl, I’ll bet you never dreamed you’d be a Kettlebringer.

GLORIA
Uh, who’s this?

RILEY
Gloria, say hello to your Aunt Tilly!

GLORIA
MY WHO?

AUNT TILLY
Hey there, muffin. Riley has told me so much about you.

GLORIA
He has?

AUNT TILLY
Oh my goodness, you should hear him. “My niece Gloria taught me the difference between Muppets and puppets. Every summer my niece Gloria - ”

GLORIA
Uncle Riley, when did you get married?

RILEY
We just celebrated eighteen months.

AUNT TILLY
The jerky anniversary!

RILEY
Baby doll, stick with me and every anniversary is gonna be a jerky anniversary.

SKIP
GAAAH MY BEER EXPLODED.

GLORIA
Look, I know this might sound hypocritical given that my husband is older -

BOWDEN
BUT NOT OLD!

GLORIA
- but is she old enough to drink? Or vote? Or drive?

AUNT TILLY
Aren’t you the sweetest? Why don’t you take a gander at my ID?

GLORIA (In awe)
Oh. I am so sorry.

BOWDEN
MY GOD. Madam, what is your secret, does it involve drinking the blood of virgins, and how much will it cost me to get in on it?

RILEY
Son, it’s nothing but good, clean living. Look at me. How old do you think I am?

BOWDEN
Chiseled brow, strong chin, Scott Bakula crow’s feet, gym rat muscles, I’m gonna say...a George Clooney 57.

RILEY
72 next month.

BOWDEN
Gloria, I’m going to pass out now. Please make sure I don’t fall into a bear trap.

TILLY
And one of the secrets to good clean living is NO TECHNOLOGY.

MACKENZIE
Say what now.

TILLY
House rules! Your cell phones, laptops, Gameboys, empty everything into this aluminum-foil-lined bag, please. We’ll return them at the end of the weekend.

SFX: Skip, McGrath, and Bowden grumble, but comply.

SKIP
Goodbye, sweet Casio calculator watch. You were a rebel’s best friend.

MACKENZIE
Jesus, you are just the WORST rebel I have ever met.

SKIP
Oh yeah? What are YOU giving up, your portable burrito maker?

MACKENZIE
Yes. And my SnapFace.

GLORIA
Why did you bring that?

MACKENZIE
I was gonna make a mask of Skip and try to scare him in his sleep.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. ZELDA’S VAN - NIGHT

SFX: Zelda drives along.

ZELDA
Just over the hill she says. That was three hills ago. Phone, call Pat.
(her cellphone BLATS in error)
CALL. PAT.
(error again)
God damn it. No signal.
(beep)
Wait, how is Google maps working if I have no reception?
(she checks)
Has this not been synching up with the roads? Am I lost? Shit! Where the hell am I, then?
(peers out the window)
Ah! Gas station. Perfect.

SFX: She pulls over and gets out.

EXT. GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS

ZELDA
At least I’ll have a full tank and a map out of this nightmare.

SFX: Zelda pushes through the door into

INT. GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS

ZELDA
Hello? Anyone here?
(nothing)
Great.

SFX: She rings the bell on the counter.

ZELDA
Service? You got gas? Or maps? Or WHOA

MRS. GREY (right behind her)
May I help you?

ZELDA
Sorry I...didn’t hear you sneak up behind me.

MRS. GREY
Sneak? Oh no, not sneak. I would never sneak.

ZELDA
...would you be able to give me directions?

MRS. GREY
I can try!

ZELDA
What road is this?

MRS. GREY
I don’t believe it has a name. Technically, it is a driveway.

ZELDA
...how do I get to Bedford?

MRS. GREY
That road is closed.

ZELDA
Okay, how do I get to any town around here?

MRS. GREY
Those road are also closed.

ZELDA
I’m gonna go now.

MRS. GREY
...very well, then.

SFX: From the back room, there is a muffled SCREAM. Zelda sighs.

ZELDA
I wish I hadn’t heard that.

MRS. GREY
Me as well.

ZELDA
See, now I have to subdue you and investigate.

MRS. GREY
Subdue? No subduing! So rude to subDUE

ZELDA
Gggakk

SFX: Mrs. Grey STABS Zelda in the neck with a needle!

ZELDA
What...what did you inject me with...you’re gonna pay so bad you weirdo...I just wanted a conch shell scrub...

SFX: SLUMP.

TRANSITION: MUSIC

INT. BASE CAMP TENT - NIGHT ONE

SFX: A campfire CRACKLES. McGrath MUNCHES on something.

SKIP
Is Gloria coming?

MACKENZIE
Why so impatient? Scaaared?

SKIP
Of the woods? I’ll have you know I was an eagle scout at age ten.

MACKENZIE
Matcha Skip was an eager beaver, huh?

SKIP
No! Shut up! Gimme one of those!

MACKENZIE
Don’t grab, I’ll share.

SKIP
What even...mmm...is this?

MACKENZIE
I dunno. It’s good though, right?

BOWDEN
They’re ground-up pine cones with a sprinkling of wheatgerm.

MACKENZIE
Seriously, they’re good.

SKIP
Be even better with a little peanut butter.

MACKENZIE
Oh man, yes!

SFX: Gloria and Riley come bustling up.

GLORIA
We’ve got all the equipment for the first trial! I haven’t handled this many homemade weapons since third grade!

MACKENZIE
You people have heard of public education, right?

RILEY
Sure, that’s where they teach you algebra propaganda.

SFX; Riley dumps a PILE OF EQUIPMENT on the ground.

RILEY
Okay! Good luck!

SFX: Riley starts traipsing off again.

GLORIA
Wait Uncle Riley! Aren’t you going to lead us in the trial?

RILEY
No, you are.

GLORIA
ME? What?!? No! You’re the expert -

RILEY
You’re gonna be their guide. Your Aunt Tilly and I still in the honeymoon phase.

GLORIA
After eighteen months??

RILEY
Every night is like our first night.

SKIP
I hear that!

MACKENZIE
No you do not.

SKIP
Matcha Skip is very popular with the ladies. The barista has punched my card multiple times a day if you know what I mean.

MACKENZIE
Yes I know what you mean. You mean that she literally punches your rewards card.

SKIP
Every twelfth cup is free! I’m on my second card already!

BOWDEN
Riley, why are all the instructions on this equipment handwritten in what I think is German?

GLORIA (pained)
It’s Dutch.

RILEY
We’ll all be speaking Dutch after the financial collapse. Alright, cub, lead your pack!

SFX: Off he goes.

GLORIA
Right! So! This...
(holds up a knife)
...is a harvesting knife for a very particular prey.

SKIP
Are we hunting something?

GLORIA
Arm yourselves!

SFX: Everyone hastily picks up their knives.

GLORIA
Everybody grab a burlap sack.

BOWDEN
What about the rest of these... weapons?

GLORIA
Let’s...just start with the basics. Follow me. Carefully! Quietly!

SFX: They begin rushing through the woods, a little nervously.

SKIP
Wait, Gloria! What are we hunting? Is it big?

GLORIA
Yes.

BOWDEN
Is it dangerous?

GLORIA
Deadly.

MACKENZIE
Is it going to sneak up behind us and murder us?

GLORIA
It doesn’t move.

SFX: They stop running.

SKIP
It doesn’t move?

GLORIA
It’s a mushroom.

MACKENZIE
A WHAT?

GLORIA
SHHH!

MACKENZIE
Shush why? The mushroom can’t hear us!

BOWDEN
Sweetie, are we looking for poisonous mushrooms?

GLORIA
Only if you eat them straight from the tree.

MACKENZIE
A mushroom tree?

GLORIA
No, they grow on trees.

SKIP
On mushroom trees?

GLORIA
NO THEY JUST STICK ON THE TREES YOU KNOW?

BOWDEN
Okay, so we’re hunting mushrooms.

GLORIA
Not just any mushrooms...

SFX: She pulls one out of her bag. Everyone OOOOOs and AAAAHs.

GLORIA
Velvet giraffe horn mushrooms.

MACKENZIE
That looks like a Super Mario Brothers hallucination.

SKIP
Those colors are making Matcha Skip go green.

GLORIA
It is the rarest North American fungus found in this climate. Native healers would cook them into stews to bring dreams of one’s destiny. I spent thirteen days and nights of my trial starving in the woods, searching for a single specimen, finding myself in the -

SKIP
There’s one.

GLORIA
What?

SFX: Skip goes over and plucks it.

GLORIA
Oh, that’s probably just a common viperspit death mushroom. Those are totally safe -

MACKENZIE
No, Gloria, he’s right! This is definitely that weird mushroom!

GLORIA
I mean...okay that might be -

BOWDEN
Hey I got one!

GLORIA
No, Bowden, they don’t grow in the same area, they destroy each other -

MACKENZIE
Got mine!

SKIP
Kick ass!

MACKENZIE
You said you can cook these, Gloria?

GLORIA
Well yes but -

MACKENZIE
Skip! Peanut butter and pinecones with these?

SKIP
Oh wow, I wonder!

BOWDEN
Throw on a little shaved truffle?

MACKENZIE AND SKIP
OOOOOOOOOO

MACKENZIE
Gloria are we done because I gotta try this now!

GLORIA
No!

BOWDEN
There’s more?

GLORIA
Well no, but...you have to reflect!

SKIP
On what?

GLORIA
On...the search!

BOWDEN
Okay! It was...short.

MACKENZIE
You know, combine these with everything I smuggled in my bag and I bet I could make a killer chili.

SKIP
The hotter the better. Matcha Skip don’t care.

MACKENZIE
Matcha Skip is gonna have MAJOR withdrawal symptoms in about three hours.

BOWDEN
I’ll get the pine cones!

SKIP
This was great, Gloria! And easy!

MACKENZIE
Seriously! Can all these trials have food elements?

BOWDEN
I have to admit I’m suddenly pumped to tackle whatever comes next!

MACKENZIE
Go us! Let’s eat!

SFX: They race off.

GLORIA
But! I! We!
(small frazzled ragescream)
What just happened?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. THE CAGE ROOM - NIGHT

SFX: Several prisoners BANG on their cages. It’s an echoey chamber leading off into dark caves.

MRS. GREY
No more noises my loosey gooseys! Or else the monsters come!

CHLOË
There’s no such thing as monsters!

ORLANDO
Don’t make her mad, Chloë!

SFX: Something deep in the caves ROARS.

MRS. GREY
O ho ho! You woke them up my pretty birds! Time for me to go!

CHLOË
Don’t leave us here!

MRS. GREY
That’ll teach you to snoop in cannibal territory! I’ll be back the the morning - AAAAH!

SFX: Zelda suddenly SNAPS the bars of her cage and TAKES DOWN MRS. GREY!

ZELDA
Please. Just. Shut up.

ORLANDO
Lady! We thought you were dead!

ZELDA
My head feels like it went through the lawnmower.

CHLOË
How the frick did you knock that psycho killer unconscious? You’re, like, seventy years old!

ZELDA
You’re really not making me want to rescue you.

ORLANDO
Ignore her! Please get us out of here, we’ll do anything you say! Wait what are you doing with that axe?

ZELDA
Stand back.

SFX: Orlando SHRIEKS as Zelda SMASHES the lock open!

ORLANDO
Thank you thank you thank you

SFX: She SMASHES Chloë’s lock open as well.

CHLOË
Stop groveling, Orlando, you’re embarrassing yourself.

ORLANDO
We have other friends trapped down here too!

SFX": Another ROAR-SCREAM from down in the caves.

ORLANDO
What was that?

ZELDA (getting a little pumped)
Kids. Find a weapon. Do exactly what I say and we all live.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. THE CABIN - DAY TWO

SFX: EXPLOSIONS in the kitchen as McGrath and Skip run around adding more things to a terrible stew.

SKIP (OFF)
MORE PINE CONES!

MACKENZIE (OFF)
MORE POISON MUSHROOMS!

BOWDEN (OFF) (as “Scotty”)
I’m raiding the pantry as fast as I can!

SFX: Gloria GROANS and stuffs her head in the newspaper.

RILEY
They sound like they’re getting their morale back today!

GLORIA
They’re supposed to be getting back to being a team of spies.

RILEY
Well...what does a team of spies look like?

SFX: McGrath sticks her head out.

MACKENZIE
Gloria I love you and I think I love it here and I’ve decided I’m going to be a chef in the woods when I grow up.

SFX: She goes back to the kitchen.

GLORIA (to Riley)
Not this.

RILEY
They’re finding themselves, right?

GLORIA
They’re finding themselves, alright, and it turns out they’re MANIACS.
(rushing to Riley)
Uncle Riley please. Please please please. Lead them through a trial.

RILEY
No.

GLORIA
Any trial! Your choice! You’re why we came out here! We need your timeless wisdom!

RILEY
You want wisdom? Learn how to say “Take me to your leader” in Dutch.

SFX: He goes.

GLORIA
THE DUTCH TULIP MARKET CRASHED IN 1637, WHY DO YOU THINK THEY’RE GONNA LAND ON TOP?

SFX: Bowden enters.

BOWDEN
Guacamole, my dear? At least I think it’s guacamole. It’s blue.

GLORIA
I’m a failure.

BOWDEN
No, sweetie!
(he goes to her)
Those two are in such a better headspace than they were!

GLORIA
Are they? Skip is getting weirder, McGrath is...domestic.

BOWDEN (chomping chips)
That does have its benefits.

GLORIA
And it’s not real, it’ll never last! They’ll be back to bickering tomorrow! No amount of guacamole is a substitute for real self-worth!
(she starts chowing down on guacamole chips)
I don’t even know who we are anymore.
(munch munch)
Bo? Is this helping you at all?

BOWDEN
I...don’t think there’s anything in Riley’s bag of tricks that’s going to solve my problems, hun. Not unless he’s got Rian Johnson’s number.

GLORIA
Bo if Abbott and Costello had been released...what did you think life would be like afterwards?

BOWDEN
...it would have been the beginning of everything I wanted as a child. I know the movie sounded like a stupid cash-in on some outdated IP, but it was smart. And funny. And I think it actually would have put me on the next level.

GLORIA
You never told me that!

BOWDEN
Because I didn’t want to let myself believe it. Because all my dreams were finally coming true. And every time that happens, something goes wrong. And now that it has -

GLORIA
It hasn’t!

BOWDEN
It has. Everything has gone wrong except for you and me.

GLORIA
...you didn’t really answer my question.

BOWDEN
Okay. In my little dream...I finally made it. And you and me...and Skip and McGrath...we’d all move to LA. And I’d buy us a big house in the hills. And by day I’d make movies. At by night we’d all fight crime together. Secretly. The Kovak Detective Agency. That was my dream.

GLORIA
Really? All of us in LA? No more EMF?

BOWDEN
I dunno, Gloria, don’t you think we’d do it better than a government agency?

GLORIA
Where would we get the missions from? Not to mention Skip would go crazy.

BOWDEN (laughs)
I think that ship has sailed. Skip would adjust.

GLORIA
That’s some dream.

BOWDEN
Well. It’s dead now. So. I guess let’s go back to the trials.

SFX: He kisses her.

GLORIA
Bo -

BOWDEN
It’s okay sweetheart. Don’t worry about me.
(calling)
McGrath? Tea time!

SFX: He goes.

GLORIA
RILEY!

RILEY
Present, commander!

GLORIA
I’m taking them down to the bunker. TONIGHT. Prep it.

RILEY
You’re gonna need three nights for them to go down one at a time -

GLORIA
No! We’re all going together!

RILEY
Not recommended, cub. You put more than one person in that space, it’s like locking up wolves together.

GLORIA
We’re not wolves!

SKIP (other room)
(Howls like a wolf) A---woooo! That’s some hot chili!

RILEY
You were saying?

GLORIA
Riley, enough! We’re getting locked in tonight. You bring the locks.

RILEY
Okay. Don’t come crying to me if you tear each other’s throats out with your teeth like a pair of Xenomorph dutchmen.

MUSICAL TRANSITION

INT. BUNKER - NIGHT TWO

SFX: The bunker door CREAKS OPEN.

GLORIA
This is it! The trial of the bunker! Everyone in!

SKIP (spooked)
What’s in there?

GLORIA (dark Yoda)
Only what you take with you.

SKIP
Oh. Well, all I’ve got is a pocket full of jerky. We’re gonna need more food.

MACKENZIE
I’m on it!

GLORIA
What are those?

MACKENZIE
Brownies! I just baked ‘em!

GLORIA
No!

SFX: Smash!

MACKENZIE
My brownies!

GLORIA
No brownies! They spoil!

MACKENZIE
Not if you eat them all in five minutes!

GLORIA
You want canned things! Beans! Tuna! Spam!

SKIP
How long will we be staying in here?

GLORIA
As long as it takes. Or...until dawn.

BOWDEN
Oooh! This is cozier than I assumed a bunker would be. I packed some throw pillows, let me run back to my luggage -

GLORIA
No! Everyone sit on the floor!

SKIP
There’s a perfectly serviceable kitchen table -

GLORIA
The floor!

MACKENZIE
Jeez.

GLORIA
Cross-legged!

SFX: Everybody gets down on the floor.

GLORIA
Riley! Seal us in.

RILEY
Nice knowing y’all.

SFX: The top hatch SHUTS. And HISSES as it SEALS.

MACKENZIE
Um. Could somebody have turned on the lights before we were shut in total darkness?

BOWDEN
Okay now the vibe is less cozy and more claustrophobic.

GLORIA
Mackenzie, light the candle!

MACKENZIE
Okay...

SFX: She lights a match and sets the candle burning.

MACKENZIE
Whoa! With the lights out and just the candle you can’t even see the walls.

GLORIA
Does that help the claustrophobia, Bo?

BOWDEN
Yes...now it feels like...we’re in outer space.

SKIP
Fascinating.

MACKENZIE
I like it. Gloria you should paint planets and galaxies in glow-in-the-dark-paint on the walls -

GLORIA
No! We’re going to sit with our thoughts.

SFX: They sit. They don’t even last five seconds.

MACKENZIE
I’m hungry.

SKIP

I feel like I might have left the apartment water running.

BOWDEN
I just remembered an audition I was going to prepare for next week.

GLORIA
Okay you don’t have to blurt everything out -

MACKENZIE
Guys...did the walls...disappear?

BOWDEN
Well, we’re not in actually in outer space!...are we?

MACKENZIE
This feels...astral.

SKIP
...we’re lost.

GLORIA
What makes you say that, Skip?

SKIP
Because McGrath just used the word astral without making an “ass” joke.

MACKENZIE
Space is bigger than us all, Skip.
(beat)
Just like your ass.

SKIP
There it is.

GLORIA
All right, you lot! Calm your monkey minds and just...float.

TRANSITION

INT. MINING TUNNELS - NIGHT TWO

SFX: Zelda runs through old mining tunnels while the young people she rescued follow her. The strange growling from before seems to come from everywhere.

ZELDA
Move it, if you don’t want to get left for dinner!

SFX: Orlando, Chloë, Alice, and Ziggy follow close behind.

ORLANDO
C’mon, gang! Follow the old lady with the axe to freedom!

ALICE
Hurry, Ziggy! Can you make it on your broken ankle?

ZIGGY
It hurts, man! Watch the loafers!

CHLOË
We’re all gonna die.

ZELDA
Chloë, knock it off with the wisecracks!

CHLOË
That was a statement of fact.

ZELDA
Alice, that’s a textbook field dress of Ziggy’s ankle, I give it a B minus.

ALICE
Thank you, lady!

ZELDA
Orlando, marshal your troops! With your command voice this time!

ORLANDO
Wait, Ruby! Where’s Ruby?

ALL
HEY RUBY!

ZIGGY
Where are you?

SFX: A dog WHINES somewhere in the darkness.

ZELDA
LEAVE THE DOG.

ORLANDO
No! We all go home or nobody goes home! Ruby, follow my voice!

SFX: Ruby BARKS from somewhere.

ZELDA
Lesson six, kids: the dog can’t think, so it’s a liability! NO DOGS.

SFX: HORRIBLE GROWLING.

CHLOË
Jinkies! They’re coming!

ZELDA
Into this mine cart!

ORLANDO
Let’s go!

SFX: The mine cart starts slowly SQUEALING its way along... A dog BARKS!

ALICE
Ruby!

ZIGGY
Come on, girl!

ORLANDO
Oh no they’re right behind her!

CHLOË
Must go faster must go faster!

ZELDA
LESS YELLING MORE PROBLEM SOLVING.

SFX: Something is coming behind Ruby - many slobbering somethings.

ZELDA
Grab that crowbar!

CHLOË
Who died and put you in charge, lady -

ZELDA
CROWBAR NOW.

ZIGGY
Yes ma’am!

SFX: Zelda CHUCKS IT! Something WAILS!

CHLOË
Holy cow! WHAT WAS THAT?

ZELDA
Grab your damn dog!

ALICE
Ruby look! Ruby snacks! Come get em!

SFX: The dog SPEEDS EXCITEDLY through the caverns and leaps onto the cart! The kids cheer! Then something ROARS!

ORLANDO
The cannibal monsters are coming again!

CHLOË
I keep telling you there’s no such thing as cannibal monsters -

ZELDA
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF IT’S THE CLEVELAND BROWNS. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM US.

ZIGGY
How?

ZELDA
Take the gas can and light the track on fire!

ORLANDO
WHAT! That could cause environmental damage to this underground ecosystem -

ZELDA
POUR THE GAS BEFORE I LIGHT YOU ON FIRE ORLANDO

ORLANDO
YES MA’AM

SFX: He pours the gas.

ZELDA
LIGHT EM UP!

CHLOË
Use my lighter!

ALICE
Lighting!

SFX: She LIGHTS IT! FLAMES WHOOSH! HOWLS OF TERROR.

ZELDA
They still coming?

ORLANDO
No! We lost them!

ZELDA
Good. Now gird your loins, here comes a STEEP HILL!

SFX: The kids all SCREAM as the track DIPS. The dog HOWLS. Zelda starts to LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH.

TRANSITION

INT. THE BUNKER - NIGHT TWO - LATER

GLORIA
Think of this darkness as the darkness inside you. It’s frightening to peer into it, but you must. Try to answer the question that every conscious being has ever asked themself, who am I?

MACKENZIE
Did you ever notice we’re basically just the ninja turtles?

GLORIA
I told you no pot in the brownies!

MACKENZIE
I’m stone cold sober. Unless I’m flashing back to that South American frog sweat we tripped on -

SKIP
McGrath, what do you mean, the ninja turtles?

BOWDEN
I remind you I’m already on edge because the man who wrote the Ninja Turtles musical tried to kill me.

GLORIA
Folks, stop talking about our lovable mishaps, we’re trying to figure out who we are!

MACKENZIE
Gloria’s Leonardo, Skip’s Donatello, Bowden’s Michelangelo, and I’m clearly Rafael.

BOWDEN
I object! I am NOT merely a party dude!

SKIP
And I don’t “do machines”.

GLORIA
Let’s change the subject.

BOWDEN
No this is important! We’re in outer space searching for our souls and McGrath’s making the wild accusation that I’m Michaelangelo, when I’m I’m clearly Daphne!

GLORIA
...what?

BOWDEN
Beautiful, stylish Daphne.

SKIP
From Scooby Doo?!

MACKENZIE
Okay. I see it.

GLORIA
Bowden, what are you talking about -

BOWDEN
I’m gorgeous Daphne, darling, you’re dashing Fred, Skip is organized Velma, and McGrath is Shaggy and Scooby combined.

MACKENZIE
How dare you! And gimme back those snacks!

GLORIA
Okay, everyone, stop this nonsense! We’re not here to compare ourselves to ancient cartoon characters!

SKIP (growing more anxious)
No, they’re right, it fits.

GLORIA
They’re not taking this seriously and it’s just two examples!

MACKENZIE
...Bart Lisa Marge and Homer.

BOWDEN
That is a slander to my hair!

GLORIA
Okay no more!

SKIP
Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben. Amethyst, Garnet, Pearl, and Steven. Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabbs! Darkwing, Gosalyn, Honker, and Launchpad McQuack!

GLORIA
Skip maybe concentrate on your breathing -

SKIP
Is that all we are? Eternally trapped in sugar-cereal selling personalities, driving around in a metaphorical van, solving mysteries and having wacky adventures?

GLORIA
Well okay...maybe that could be a good thing!

MACKENZIE
Says Spongebob.

GLORIA
Look I wish it hadn’t been cartoon characters, but maybe this gets to the root of who we are!

SKIP
A SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON SHOW? Endlessly clashing with each other’s dysfunctions? Caught in an endless cycle of disagreeable personality conflicts...what would you call that but HELL?!?

MACKENZIE
We’re not in hell, Skip, we’re in space.

SKIP
Oh, is that so, Gosalyn?

GLORIA
WE’RE NOT IN HELL OR IN SPACE WE’RE TEN FEET UNDERGROUND.

SKIP
This isn’t working. I’m turning on the lights.

GLORIA
Skip, there aren’t any lights in here except the candle -

SFX: Skip turns on a bright light. Everyone reacts in surprise and pain as their eyes adjust.

GLORIA
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

SKIP
Portable slide projector.

GLORIA
You smuggled a slide projector into my trial?!? MATCHA SKIP brought a slide projector?

SKIP
I’m not Matcha Skip, Gloria. I’m Normal Skip. I’m done pretending to be anybody but Boring Old Skip. Okay? You did it. You broke me.

GLORIA
Not broke, broke THROUGH -

SFX: The bunker door creaks open.

RILEY
Rise and shine - oh, you’re already up.

SKIP
I’m going for a walk.

GLORIA
Skip…

BOWDEN
Welllll how about some breakfast, McGrath?

MACKENZIE
Why the hell not. I’ll make a whole breakfast buffet.

SFX: She and Bowden scramble to get out, too.

RILEY
Mind the step.

SFX: They leave Gloria alone in the bunker.

RILEY
Coming, cub?

GLORIA
I think I’ll stay down here until the Dutch come for me.

SFX: Riley sighs and clambers down into the bunker.

RILEY
Didn’t go well?

GLORIA
They’re not growing, or refueling, or finding who they’re supposed to be -

RILEY
Hold on. What are they supposed to be?

GLORIA
I...they’re supposed to be what makes them happy.

RILEY
Are they?

GLORIA
I’m not supposed to make them into whoever I expect them to be, right? Isn’t that what you’re saying?

RILEY
I’m not saying anything.

GLORIA
I’m so bad at this, Uncle Riley. I’ve learned to accept that I’m really good at many things but I’m really bad at this. Please. I’m begging you. Lead them through one trial. I can’t do it.

RILEY (Sighs)
Okay. Anything for you, Gloria.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. CAMP FIRE - NIGHT THREE

SFX: The gang trudges through the woods, lead by Riley.

RILEY
Alright, troop, halt! Bowden, get the campfire going. McGrath, Gloria, pitch the tents. Let’s get it done quick, tonight’s trial will be the hardest one yet.

SKIP
What should I do?

RILEY
I thought you didn’t like being told what to do, Matcha Skip.

SKIP
I...uh...haven’t had a matcha for three days. I - can help.

RILEY
Fetch some kindling. But don’t wander too far. We’re near the perimeter of my property, and my neighbors are dangerous.

MACKENZIE
What are they, venture capitalists?

RILEY
Cannibals.

BOWDEN
EXCUSE ME?

GLORIA
Ugh, Riley, can we not right now with the kids’ ghost stories about the Grey family?

RILEY
The Greys own the farmhouse that abuts my compound. They run a gas station off the main road. Use it to source their meat off of unsuspecting travelers whose GPSes fail.

MACKENZIE
And have you...reported this?

RILEY
It’s a free country. Who am I to tell someone else how to live?

MACKENZIE
Uh huh.

RILEY
Just don’t wander across their property line by accident.
(beat)
Maybe I should get the kindling.

SKIP
Okay.

SFX: He goes off into the woods. Gloria grumbles.

MACKENZIE
Is it wrong that now I’m hungry?

MUSIC: TIME PASSES

SFX: The small campfire crackles

GLORIA
I don’t understand, Uncle Riley should have been back by now.

MACKENZIE
Maybe he met a nice cannibal couple and brought them home to meet your aunt.

SFX: Footsteps snapping branches in the distance, getting closer.

SKIP
Someone’s coming!

MACKENZIE
Riley!

SFX: It’s Uncle Riley. He’s in pain and gasping for air.

GLORIA
He’s hurt bad, help me lay him down!

SKIP
What happened?

SFX: The gang helps get Riley in front of the fire.

RILEY
The whole thing’s gone ass over kettle, kids. Those bug-eyed freaks got your boss.

GLORIA
Wait, the Greys are real?!? And they got Zelda?!?

BOWDEN
There’s a lot of blood. What happened?

RILEY
Saw Matron Grey staggering around in the woods. Heard another woman screaming in the house.

SKIP
Zelda!

RILEY
She spotted me...I turned to run...fell into one of my own bear traps.

GLORIA
Oh my god!

RILEY
Sorry I couldn’t do a trial, cub...

GLORIA
Uncle Riley! Oh, he’s out cold.

BOWDEN
Gloria, what do we do?

GLORIA (panicking a little)
We have to keep him warm. Oh god that’s a bad-looking wound!

MACKENZIE
I can go back to the cabin for a first-aid kit -

GLORIA
No he only keeps homemade remedies and you wouldn’t know which ones - I’ll go back OH WAIT I can’t leave you out here with the cannibals -

SKIP
How far is it to the Grey cabin?

GLORIA
Just over a click...you’re not thinking about going through the woods, are you? It’s pitch black and the Grey’s property is full of traps and oh my god you might mess up some of the trial events that Riley probably set up -

SKIP
GLORIA STOP.

SFX: Everyone comes to a stop.

SKIP
Gloria, sharpen those sticks, you’re going to take point. McGrath gather fern fronds, use them as a blanket for Riley. Bowden? The sphagnum moss growing on that tree - it’s olive-colored, fronded?

BOWDEN
I see it.

SKIP
Pull it off and use it to dress Riley’s wounds.

BOWDEN
I don’t know how to do that.

SKIP
The moss is your makeup foundation, the wound is your actor.

BOWDEN
Now you’re speaking my language!

SKIP
Go!

SFX: Everyone begins to work. Gloria speaks quietly to Skip.

GLORIA
Sticks sharpened, boss.

SKIP
Can you lead us to the cabin?

GLORIA
I can.

SKIP
We’ll have to use the element of surprise. Hand me the second stick. I’ll follow right behind you.

GLORIA (a little too happy)
Yessir.

SKIP (sighs)
Gloria.

GLORIA
I’m sorry Skip I’m so happy to see you in action again -

SKIP
I’m not fixed, Gloria. Zelda needs help and this is what we do.

GLORIA
That’s who you are!

SKIP
It’s not! I don’t know who I am! I just know what needs to be done.
(to the others)
How’s Riley?

MACKENZIE
Do I look like a freaking doctor, Skip?

BOWDEN
But his wounds are dressed as neat Peter Boyle and Gene Wilder.

GLORIA
Let me check.
(she does)
He’s stable. And these are top-notch dressings and frond-blankets, you two!

SKIP
All right you two! Up!
(Bowden and McGrath stand)
McGrath. You’ve been cooking for days and have overseen many disasters.

MACKENZIE
Hey!

SKIP
Can you cook up an explosive using only what you find in these woods?

MACKENZIE
I’m not saying anything on the record.

SKIP
Do it. Bowden?

BOWDEN
Sir!

SKIP
I need you to be...us.

BOWDEN
Us?

SKIP
All of us. Run around the woods, be loud, stay out of the neighbor’s yard, and stay out of bear traps.

BOWDEN
Yes sir!

BOWDEN (AS SKIP)
Matcha Skip hates cannibals!

SFX: He starts to run off as Skip winces.

SKIP
I’ll never get used to that.

BOWDEN (OFF, AS MACKENZIE)
I love tapioca!

MACKENZIE
Oh Jesus he’s never done me that’s so weird!
(calling)
And tapioca’s gross!

SKIP
McGrath? Follow our trail when you’ve got the explosive. Move!

SFX: Everybody starts moving. We follow Gloria and Skip while BOWDEN SHOUTS DEEP IN THE WOODS.

GLORIA
Trigger trap hooked to a crossbow on your left!

SKIP
I see it. Good work Agent.

GLORIA
(thrilled squeak of excitement)

SKIP
Gloria your uncle may be lying dead somewhere behind us!

GLORIA
I know I’m having six different emotions right now but please let me have excitement Skip!

SKIP
What’s that?

GLORIA
Hang on! Stand back -

SFX: Gloria SMACKS something. The loud CRASH of METAL OBJECTS.

SKIP
Oof. That would have hurt.

GLORIA (excited)
C’mon!

SKIP
Gloria my problem is not that I forgot how to lead a team!

GLORIA
Then what is - wait.
(she sets off a SLICING BLADE TRAP)
What is your problem, Skip?

SKIP
My problem is - watch -
(two HEAVY WEIGHTS ON ROPES swing down)
- is that we’re about to possibly get eaten by cannibals while trying to rescue Zelda and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.

GLORIA
You’re SKIP GRANGER.

SKIP
Sure! Silly little Skip Granger, matching his underwear to his daily dossiers, flying into a tizzy when McGrath gets sassy, always freaking out at inopportune times and WATCH THE HATCHET LAUNCHER.

SFX: They duck. WHOCK WHOCK WHOCK.

GLORIA
And you think you’re going to solve that by drinking a lot of coffee or slacking off?

SKIP
No! I think I’ve proven that I cannot solve it at all! I’m just an embarrassing robot, programmed by my life and my father to be...this.
(they stop at the front door)
All right we made it. Let’s go fight cannibals.

GLORIA
Skip, don’t open that door.
(beat)
You are empathetic, you have an unflinching moral compass, and you never abandon your friends.

SKIP
Sure, because -

GLORIA
Would you be better off if you were NOT those things?

SKIP
...no -

GLORIA
Would you WANT to not be those things?

SKIP
No.

GLORIA
Then what difference does it make why you are that way? If your father made you those things, or if it’s genetics, or a bike accident when you were six, or if you made yourself into that kind of person with hard hard work - what difference does it make if those things are who you are AND who you want to be? Those things make up my beautiful friend who I love. Who cares why?

SFX: Skip sniffs away a tear.

SKIP (crying with joy)
I love you too Gloria and we really gotta save Zelda.

GLORIA (also crying)
Here take this rusty hatchet.

SKIP
If you and I get devoured right now it will be the most royal meal these cannibals have ever eaten.

GLORIA
That’s a little gross Skip and I will follow you into hell.

SKIP
On three.

GLORIA
Why not right now?

SKIP
Why NOT right now? ATTACK!

SFX: They SCREAM AND BURST THROUGH THE DOOR!

RILEY
Oh you made it!

SKIP
Uncle Riley?

GLORIA
WHAT THE HELL, RILEY?!?

SKIP
Where are the cannibals?

RILEY
Oh, they’re somewhere…in the back of my mind, really.

GLORIA
You MADE IT ALL UP?!? RILEY!

SKIP
THIS was the trial?

RILEY
Welll, I was kinda winging it. Did it help?

GLORIA
I mean -

RILEY
Least nothing got hurt, right?

SFX: The door is SHATTERED BY A GIANT EXPLOSION. Skip, Gloria, and Riley DIVE FOR COVER.

MACKENZIE
Whoa. That worked way better than I expected.

RILEY
Glad the neighbors really moved out fifty years ago due that dispute we had over them being hollow-earth denialists.

MACKENZIE
Wait, are there no cannibals?

BOWDEN (poking his head in)
No cannibals? Riley, you’re healed!

RILEY
I have to thank you, nephew-in-law. I don’t know WHY you packed stage blood in your luggage, but it sure came in handy.

BOWDEN
You touched my stage blood?!? We thought you were dying you old con man DID YOU SAY NEPHEW-IN-LAW I’m so honored sir! Steal my stage accessories any time you like!

RILEY
Well, from what I’ve been told... this is what a team of spies looks like.

SKIP
Uncle Riley...Gloria was right. You showed me how to be me again.

RILEY
I didn’t do anything, Skip. I don’t know you from a hole in the wall. I was Gloria’s guide because I loved her and knew her inside-out. That’s why she was the guide you needed.

GLORIA
Thanks, Riley.

RILEY
Love you, cub. Now will you please get off my property and don’t come back?

MACKENZIE
Wait! Where the hell is Zelda?

GLORIA
Well if none of this was real, I sent her to a spa three days ago. I’ll call her in...

SFX: The screech of a van pulling up outside.

BOWDEN
Hey, it’s our van!

SFX: They all run outside.

EXT. GREY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: Zelda SCREECHES the van to a halt right in front of them.

ZELDA (adrenalized, happy)
Load in, mother effers!

SKIP
Chief! Is that...blood?

ZELDA
Not mine!

GLORIA
Whose -

ZELDA
Probably the dog’s.

BOWDEN
WHAT?

MACKENZIE
Are you okay -

ZELDA
I said LET’S GO. DID I STUTTER.

ALL
No ma’am!

ZELDA
GET IN THE VAN.

ALL
Yes ma’am!

SFX: They van door opens. The “Ruby Gang” pours out.

CHLOË
THANK GOD! This woman is insane!

ORLANDO
Sweet merciful heaven, I’m never getting in a car again!

ALICE
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THE DOG IS BLEEDING!

ZIGGY
I think she’s got nervous bowels from the way this maniac drives!

GLORIA
WHO ARE THESE JABRONIES!?

ZELDA
Bunch of junior detectives who got caught snooping around in cannibal territory.

RILEY
THE CANNIBALS ARE REAL? I KNEW IT! Hiding down there in the hollow earth!

CHLOË
No, they were using that urban legend as a cover to keep people away from their illegal underground dog breeding complex! Pitbulls. Rottweilers. All turned into vicious monsters.

GLORIA
Who’s they?

SFX: The gang drag Mrs. Grey out of the van, moaning and dizzy.

MRS. GREY
Oh my head. I think she fractured my skull.

RILEY
Matron Grey! But you said there were no cannibals!

BOWDEN
WAIT A MINUTE! Is that my Mother Bates wig?

MACKENZIE
Why would you pack that!?!

SKIP
Hold on! That’s a SnapFace mask! This isn’t Matron Grey at all, it’s...

SFX; Skip peels off the mask.

SKIP AND MACKENZIE AND BOWDEN AND GLORIA
AUNT TILLY!

ZELDA
I’ve got her on kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, animal cruelty, and God knows what else.

TILLY
And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for this crazy woman.

ORLANDO
AND US!

TILLY
What? No. Y’all went down like CHUMPS and all the dog did was crap everywhere.

ORLANDO
Come on gang, we don’t need this kind of attitude. We’re MYSTERY LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANY!

ZIGGY
Like, far out man!

RUBY
RUBY RUBY ROO!

CHLOË
THE DOG CAN’T TALK, ORLANDO! We all know it’s you.

SFX: The Ruby gang leaves.

TILLY
And I wasn’t mistreating those dogs, they’re good boys! They’re protecting my project from intruders and the Dutch!

BOWDEN
I’m so confused about how I’m supposed to feel about the Dutch.

GLORIA
Hush

ZELDA
What project?

TILLY
I’m building the wildest underground libertarian theme park ever designed! No permits, anything goes! The Grey story was gonna drive off rival developers and drum up mystique until you ruined it!

RILEY
But Tilly! Was our entire marriage just one big sham?

TILLY
No, Riley! I love you! It was gonna be your surprise present when we got to twenty-four months - the theme park anniversary!

RILEY
That is just the sweetest thing, but theme parks charge admission -

TILLY
And we’d only accept 24 karat gold, rare earth minerals, or pre-millenium Dutch gilders.

RILEY
GOD I LOVE YOU.

SFX: Gross kissing. Beat.

ZELDA
You know what? I’m gonna let it go. I haven’t felt this good in YEARS. Thanks for the shot of adrenaline. And thanks for looking out for these kids, Riley.

RILEY
Respect, Zelda. Keep ‘em in line.

ZELDA
Damn straight.
(to the others)
HOP TO. ON THE DOUBLE.

ALL (various)
Okay Zelda! Going! We’re ready!

ZELDA
Let’s go home, kids, and have some more adventures. Buckle up!

GLORIA
WAIT. STOP.

ZELDA
What, Agent?

GLORIA
We can’t leave! There’s one more thing we must do!

MACKENZIE
Not another trial!

GLORIA
No. Uncle Riley?

RILEY
I read you, bear cub.

TRANSITION

EXT. FLUSH MOUNTAIN - DAY

SFX: The sounds of water running down hill. A plastic tub of some kind strains against rubber cords.

GLORIA
I can’t believe I’m here again!

BOWDEN
I can’t believe I’m actually going to experience this!

MACKENZIE
I can’t believe this is real!

RILEY
Everybody ready?

SKIP
Does this thing have seat belts?

ZELDA
Oh come on, Skip, live a little! Just hold on tight!

RILEY
Just try to keep centered. This thing tends to tilt left. You don’t want to capsize. Three... two...

SKIP
Capsize!?!? Oh no -

RILEY
FLUSH MOUNTAIN!

SFX: Riley pulls the rip cord. We hear the sound of a toilet flushing and the tub takes off down the flume. Everyone screams!

GLORIA
I LOVE MY FAMILY!

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by Pete Barry & J. Michael DeAngelis.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice

Also starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien and Chloe
Jill Ivey as Alice
and Bob Killion as Ziggy and Security Guy

Guest Starring
Kristen Norine as Dr. Wiles
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Brian Sherman as Uncle Riley
JoEllen Notte as Tilly
and Pete Barry as Orlando

The half point of the season always means one thing - we're releasing a blooper reel on our Patreon feed. If you join at $5 a month or higher, you get an exclusive bonus audio each month, including two annual blooper reels. Hear Chris, Nazli, and the whole gang trip over themselves, get tongue tied, and generally embarrass themselves. Not me, of course. I never make a misshake. MISTAKE. Oh God damn it. Visit www.patreon.com/missionrejected to join.

This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

INT. ATHENACORP HQ - NIGHT

SFX: An elevator dings and the door opens.

ATHENA (ELEVATOR RECORDING)
Welcome to Athenacorps, level seventeen: executive suite.

CHET
Nobody home. Perfect. Time to find our phantom signal.

SFX: He steps into the eerily quiet room. The fire roars.

CHET
Classy. She really spruced this place up since she replaced Terry. Where’s that secret door in the fireplace?

SFX: He finds the catch and pulls it. The fireplace ROTATES.

CHET
Sharp office for a sharp thinking...ho...ly...

SFX: He steps into the room beyond. He steps on PILES OF PAPERS.

CHET
Darlin’...I think you might be losing your mind.

SFX: Chet activates a device. It makes CONFUSED NOISES.

CHET
OK, multiple transmitters in range. Number one is right...over...here.

SFX: Kermit RIBBITS in his glass terrarium.

CHET
Ah. My own damn bug on her pet frog. Alright, let’s eliminate you from the equation, Kermie -
(reaches in)
OUCH! Jeez, is she actually training you to be an assassin?
(ribbit)
Just let me just remove this bug...wait a minute...

SFX: From Chet’s tracker, a weird, low atonal sound.

CHET
What...it’s been modified! But if Athena knew I bugged her I’d be caught. So...did someone else...?

SFX: Chet JUMPS as a SPIKE of the SIGNAL EMITS from the tracker. Chet WHINGES and drops it! The frog starts RIBBITING!

CHET
The signal! Wait - my own bug is sending that signal?!?

SECURITY GUY (OVER THE PA)
Intruder alert.

CHET
DAMMIT. Okay think. This bug isn’t sophisticated enough to generate that signal. It has to be picking it up from a source nearby.
(he BEEPS on his scanner)
Where’s the source, where’s the... got it! It’s...coming into the room? Oh crap.

SFX: The FIREPLACE REVOLVES! Footsteps enter the room! The beeping from the device GOES CRAZY!

ATHENA
Hello, sweetie.

SFX: Athena gets the jump on Chet and they struggle.

CHET
Athena, someone is tracking you!

ATHENA
Yeah, it sure as hell seems like it’s you!

CHET
No, I’m just tracking...the tracker! I swear!

ATHENA
Give me that. Watch him, Kermit.

SFX: Kermit croaks. Athena takes the tracking device from Chet and it once again goes CRAZY.

ATHENA
What’s your scanner doing? Why is it freaking out?

CHET
Athena...the signal is...you.

MUSIC: STINGER