Season Six, Episode Eight: Guyfall
Transcript

EXT. ATHENACORP - NIGHT

SFX: A STORM. Cars pass. SHEETS OF RAIN are coming down.

MINI MCGRATH
Help me out bub! Help a down-on-her- luck robot? Give me five dollars! Will do weird sex for a burrito!

SFX: Coins plink into a can.

MINI MCGRATH
Thanks, bub! The time is 2:17 AM! The witching hour!

STUDEBAKER
So sad to see how far James Woods has fallen.

INT. ATHENA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SFX: The fireplace crackles. Outside, the RAIN PELTS, the THUNDER ROLLS, the wind HOWLS. Chet TURNS OVER in his sleep. Restless. Something THUDS against the wall, then a faint cry from behind it. Chet sits up with a GASP.

CHET (breathing quick)
Show yourself! Hello? Hello? You gotta keep it together, Phillips. I mean, sleeping in captivity on a cot in Terry Millionaire's old office and eating cold Little Caesar's for breakfast lunch and dinner can't help, but -

SFX: There it is again. Some kind of weeping behind the walls.

CHET
...okay. Time for some late-night sweeping.

SFX: Chet gets out of his CREAKING cot and picks up his CLANKING METAL bucket. He ROLLS his cart slowly to the door. He RATTLES the doorknob. Locked.

CHET
Athena's not gonna like this, but if she's gonna lock me up at night...

SFX: He SHOULDER BLOCKS the door, smashing open the lock. Nothing but an empty hallway beyond.

CHET
Hello?
(nothing)
You got three seconds to come out in the open!

SFX: He rolls the SQUEAKING cart down the hallway. There's that CRYING sound again.

CHET
Whatever it is, it's in the walls. I wouldn't put it past her to have some kind of Edgar Allan Poe situation up in this place OH

CHRIST.
He sees someone.

CHET
Okay I see you standing there at the end of the hallway!
(no response)
Hey asshole this is...custodial services...telling you to identify yourself now.
(still no response)
What, you think you can scare me? I once punched Vladimir Putin in the nuts. You're not gonna...freak me out by just...standing there in the dark...not moving...

ATHENA
(strange crying/strangling noise)

CHET
Athena?

ATHENA
Come back. Come back.

CHET
Athena. Athena what's wrong?

ATHENA
(singing)
Keemeessoo, khathemeno moo, ke egho se nanooreezo
Kee egho tin koonia soo koono ke se apokeemeezo

CHET
Okay you're super-creeping me out here...what are you staring at? This room? Number 1729? What's in there?

ATHENA
(laughs, child-like)

CHET
You want to go in there? C'mon, I'll go with you -

SFX: He starts to turn the doorknob. Athena SCREAMS. Chet cries out in surprise - first startled, then as Athena whirls him around and SLAMS him against the wall.

ATHENA
Murderer.

CHET
Athena it's me! WAKE UP!

SFX: Athena startles, growing confused - then stiffens.

ATHENA
What are you doing out of your room?

CHET
You were sleepwalking or something.

ATHENA (scoffs)
What? I don't sleepwalk. Go back to bed, Mister Janitor.

CHET
You were just staring at that door, room 1729 -

SFX: Athena SLAMS CHET back against the wall.

ATHENA
NEVER. GO IN THERE.

CHET
No problem!

SFX: She grabs him and shoves him back into the office.

ATHENA
You stay in your room at night and don't go wandering. Or I'll feed you to the pumas. Understand?

CHET
Understood, boss.

ATHENA
Good.

SFX: She SLAMS the door to the office. Chet shudders.

CHET
What the hell is going on here?

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode: “Guyfall.”

INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

SKIP
For the last time, McGrath, no! I am putting my foot down. You'll thank me, just like when you wanted to get a Segway and I said no. We live on the fourth floor for gosh sake!

MCGRATH
I admit, that was a lapse in judgement. But c'mon-- this would be awesome!

SKIP
No!

MCGRATH
It worked in Sweden! Why couldn't it work for us?

SFX: The door opens, footsteps as Gloria enters.

MCGRATH
Gloria, settle a debate for us!

GLORIA
Oh no, I'm scared.

MCGRATH
If someone invited you over for dinner, and you heard that they had a tawny frogmouth, would that make you more interested in going?

GLORIA
Well, I don't know what that is...
(gasps)
Is that a sex thing?

SKIP
It's a bird and Mcgrath inexplicably wants one!

MCGRATH
Come one! One, they look hilarious. Two, it would be a topic of conversation at the dinner parties you're always threatening to throw when you finally get a Le Creuset. Three, they're great for pest control!

SKIP
In the wild, McGrath, not 1200 square foot apartments! There is no evidence you can train them to catch spiders.
(to Gloria)
McGrath saw this Tiktok about how in Sweden they taught crows how to pick up trash.

MCGRATH
I think it would work!

SKIP
Anyway, I don't like the look of them. It looks like it would... judge me.

MCGRATH
Well, Gloria?

GLORIA
...I can see both sides.

SFX: The door opens and Zelda enters.

ZELDA
Alright team, lots on the calendar, it's a packed week. We've got two missions on the docket.

SKIP
Oh great! I'm looking for either cheese rolling festival or Kpop espionage to fill out my mission bingo card.

ZELDA
Sorry, but both of these are straightforward, meat-and-potatoes operations. Whitmire said to me, and I quote, "even your team couldn't mess these up."

MCGRATH
Aww, he shouldn't have.

ZELDA
Okay, so the first- wait. Where's Bowden?

GLORIA
Oh, he's on a spiritual retreat slash vision quest.

MCGRATH
Ugh, that is so Musk coded.

GLORIA
I know. But ever since we came back from Uncle Riley's, he's actually been feeling energized about his career in a way I haven't seen in a while! He wants to fully move past Abbott and Costello Vampire Hunters and figure out his next step.

ZELDA
And he needs a vision quest to do that?

GLORIA
I don't know, Gary went down a Reddit rabbit hole and read about this monk that's supposed to be life-changing, so Bowden went to go find him and... do a vision quest? Have a vision quest? Birth a vision quest? What's the operative verb there?

SKIP
I don't know, but I'm glad Bowden is taking some well-deserved time for himself! Where did he go?

GLORIA
I have no clue! He wouldn't tell and he's totally off grid. Said that defeated the purpose of the vision quest.

MCGRATH
Oh, he's so boned. Bowden couldn't even handle being pretend off the grid for reality TV when we did that mission in the Amazon.

GLORIA
Well, I'm assuming he didn't go too far from society. My guess is either Mexico or the Coachella Valley.
(beat)
Not to see Sabrina Carpenter. It's the off-season.

SKIP
Oh too bad! She was great on The Muppet Show! Real star power. Has she done anything else?

ZELDA (sighs)
Alright, fine. But we have to split up the team to knock out both these missions, so one of you will be a man down. First one is an escort mission: you'll head out to Portland, pick up a federal prisoner, and transport them back here.

MCGRATH
What's the other?

ZELDA
An exchange mission. You will be taking this--

SFX: She sets something HEAVY down onto the table.

ZELDA
To one of our contacts.

MCGRATH
Oh damn, a mysterious metal briefcase? Awesome, that is real Scorcese vibes.

ZELDA
You'll meet our contact's envoy in Kathmandu who will then take you to the rendezvous point. You will then exchange it for the item they give you in return. Easy Peasy.

SKIP
Lemon squeezy.

GLORIA
Both of these sound pretty straightforward!

ZELDA
I'll leave it up to you to divide yourselves.

MCGRATH
Wait. You're not gonna tell us what's in the briefcase?

ZELDA
That's classified.

MCGRATH
Dibs on the briefcase!
(beat)
What? Maybe the guy will tell me what it is. I have to know! Plus I have a feeling the eats are going to be better in Kathmandu than Portland. Gotta get me some momos.

SKIP
Fair enough. Gloria, you're a Senior Agent and have more experience on a shoestring team. If I go with Mcgrath to Kathmandu, can you handle the escort mission solo?

GLORIA
Getting on a plane, riding it, and getting off. Then doing it again on the way back? Yeah I think I can handle it. Assuming everything goes smoothly, of course.

ZELDA
And just like that, you've ensured that it won't.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. CAR - DAY

SKIP
Wow! Who would have expected the traffic near the airport would be this bad?

MCGRATH
Uh, everyone who's been to an airport ever?
(beat)
Skip. What do you think is inside the briefcase?

SKIP
I don't know and I don't want to find out.

MCGRATH
You don't? Really?

SKIP
Okay I do. But I don't want to break mission protocol more so we are going to refrain from opening it!

MCGRATH
But...

SKIP
No.

MCGRATH
It wouldn't hurt.

SKIP
It might!

MCGRATH
By opening it? How?

SKIP
I don't know! But in Raiders of the Lost Ark they opened something they shouldn't have and it melted all of their faces off!

MCGRATH
You think if I open this it's going to melt our faces off?

SKIP
It's improbable but not impossible!

MCGRATH
I'm gonna do it.

SKIP
McGrath, don't--

MCGRATH
Hands on the wheel Skip! Ten and two!

SKIP
Gosh darn it!

SFX: A click as Mcgrath opens the briefcase latches.

SKIP
What is it?

MCGRATH
It's... a vial. Of clear liquid.

SKIP
What kind of liquid?

MCGRATH
I don't know. Just looks like water.

SKIP
Huh. Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm disappointed.

MCGRATH
Yeah.

SKIP
WAIT!

MCGRATH
What?

SKIP
We're going to be going through airport security! Is it less than four ounces?

MCGRATH
We're good buddy.

SKIP
Phew.

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - DAY

SFX: We hear the bustle of airport check in.

MCGRATH
-GX23.

SKIP
Confirmation number entered. Okay, now we want to print our two tickets and... oh no.

MCGRATH
What?

SKIP
It's saying it's forbidden to bring any flammable liquid in our carry- on. What if the liquid is flammable!

MCGRATH
Crap.
(beat)
It's probably not.

SKIP
But what if it is? Then the plane blows up, like that plane in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and our faces melt off!
(beat)
I just rewatched it. Bowden lent me his laserdisc. He said the only way to truly experience the movie was in analog.

MCGRATH
Okay, well you realize faces melting off doesn't happen that much, right? And besides, our other option is to check the bag and look at that line! It's gonna leave me no time to get food. And Terminal 3 has a Five Guys in it!

SKIP
We're not risking it. We'll just have to check the bag, okay? They'll have food on the plane.

MCGRATH
Ugh. Fine.

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY

McGrath fidgets uncomfortably.

MCGRATH
How the heck did I end up in the middle seat? In economy. On a 19 hour flight.

SFX: McGrath's stomach grumbles.

MCGRATH
And they're not serving the in- flight meal for six more hours. Skip, I'm dying!

SKIP
Here, I can order you the little snack box they have... $42 dollars!? What are they made of, Labubus? Never mind, sorry Mcgrath.

MCGRATH
If you had just let me hack the airline system, we could have been in first class!

SKIP
That's stealing!

MCGRATH
So is charging $42 for a bag of pretzels and some dried apricots.

SKIP
I know long flights are hard, but just put on a movie and try to relax. Looks like they have Jason Statham's Shelter, Birdemic 2, and... that's it.

MCGRATH
I am officially in hell. Do you think Bowden knew this mission was going to be terrible and that's why he conveniently happened to be out?

SKIP
I doubt it.

MCGRATH
You say that, but I wouldn't put it past him. Bowden, this vision quest of yours had better be life changing.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. MONASTERY - DAY

SFX: The sound of chanting softly in the background. A singing bowl maybe? Footsteps on stone tiles.

BOWDEN
Hello?
(Nothing.)
Hello??

SFX: Hurried footsteps.

MONK
Who are you?

BOWDEN
My name is Bowden Moncrief. I"m here to open my mind.
(beat)
My agent Gary booked me the Revelation Package on Airbnb? Where do I start my enlightenment?

MONK
Ah yes, hang on...
(checking his list)
Here it is! Sorry, we're new to the whole AirBnb experiences thing. Follow me. The sensi must approve your tutelage.

BOWDEN
Oh the sensei! I've heard John Mayer called him the mac daddy of spirituality. And I mean, come on, have you seen John Mayer's biceps?

SFX: Footsteps on stone floor as Bowden and the monk walk.

MONK
The sensei came to us only 7 years ago but he committed himself to our way of life so fully that the previous sensei named him successor before he died. Follow his guidance and your spirit will flourish.

BOWDEN
That's great to hear. I'm at a personal crossroads so I need some guidance in the next step.

SFX: The sounds of swooshy hanging beads knocking into each other as Bowden and the monk pass through a doorway. Meditation sounds playing. Music or nature sounds maybe?

MONK (whispering)
Shhhhh.... He's meditating.

BOWDEN
Oh. Are you supposed to lay face down on the floor like that?

MONK
He calls it the Gray State. A feeling of full earthly departure and spiritual awakening.

BOWDEN
Okay.
(beat)
He's not moving though. He looks dead.

MONK
It's his method. He is a genius. You must wait. He must not be disturbed.

BOWDEN
How long? Like, what? 10 minutes?

MONK
Could be. Or hours. Or days.

BOWDEN (loudly)
Days??

MONK
SHHHHHHHH!

BOWDEN
Sorry, sorry... just... I could come back?

MONK
Be patient. Your moment will come.

BOWDEN
Be patient. That's the problem! I've been patient for twenty years and still my career is stalling out. I need to be doing something different - I just don't know what that is. I hope I can find some answers here. Especially because Gloria's going to be so mad when she finds out I borrowed against my Roth IRA for that first class plane ticket over here. But hey, I was NOT going to be stuck watching Birdemic 2 for 19 hours.

MONK
You're an oversharer, aren't you?

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. FEDERAL FACILITY - DAY

SFX: The front door bell jingles. Ding ding! A little desk summoning bells rings. Ring ring ring ring ring--

SECURITY GUY (Annoyed)
Yes?

GLORIA
Oh! Sorry - I just always loved those little desk bells, they're so cute. Anyway... hello! I'm Agent Kovak, I'm here to pick up an inmate for transportation?

SECURITY GUY
Sure you're up to the task? You look pretty soft.

GLORIA
The only thing soft about me is my IKEA Klippoxel throw blanket! Seriously, it is SO luxurious, I highly recommend it if you--

SECURITY
Ahem.

GLORIA
Right! Sorry. Not why I'm here.

SECURITY GUY
Alright then - your detainee is over in Cell 6, so we can head over and get you acquainted while I process them. Just warning you: they're a handful.

SFX: Footsteps as they walk.

GLORIA
What do you mean by "handful"?

SECURITY GUY
Well, their file here says "an agent of chaos matched only by Heath Ledger's Joker, and Looney Toons' Tasmanian Devil."

GLORIA
Oh yikes! Well, nothing I can't handle.
(she looks)
Oh uh - Cell 6 is down there?

SECURITY GUY
Yes.

GLORIA
She looks like she's 15 years old!

SECURITY GUY
She is.

GLORIA
What was she in for?

SECURITY GUY
Killing.

GLORIA
KILLING!?

SECURITY GUY
Yep. Dozens of 'em.

GLORIA
Oh my god! Who did she kill?

SECURITY GUY
Birds.

GLORIA
...birds?

SECURITY GUY
Yes. It was a murder. A murder of crows.

GLORIA
Oh my-- okay. Obviously killing birds is not great, but can you see how I might feel a little misled when you said she was brought in for killing?

SFX: They arrive at the cell.

GLORIA
Hi there! My name is Gloria. So, you got into a little bit of trouble, didn't you?

FINLEY
Piss off, banshee!

GLORIA
Oh my goodness!

SECURITY GUY
This is Finley.

FINLEY
You piss off too, crap bag!

GLORIA
You are a VERY unpleasant young lady.

FINLEY
Wow grandma, could you sound more ancient?

GLORIA
Excuse me, I look GREAT for my age, I do skin care! Look, can you just be cool? We've got a direct flight so you only have to be a person for a few hours, okay? Can you do that and make both of our lives easier?

FINLEY
Fine...

GLORIA
Thank you.

SECURITY GUY
Alright prisoner, cuffs on.

SFX: A click as Security Guy cuffs Finley. He opens the cell- Finley ATTACKS!

GLORIA
AHH! Ooof- ow, hey, that hurt! HEY!

FINLEY (cackling)
Catch me now, suckers!

SFX: She runs.

SECURITY GUY
You let her get away? I thought you were supposed to be good at this.

GLORIA
I am! But she's 15, I wasn't prepared for that. Come on, we have to get her.

SECURITY GUY
No way. She's your problem now.

GLORIA
Seriously? Ugh, fine!
(calling)
Finley, get back here!

SFX: She runs out after her.

EXT. STREET - DAY

SFX: The sounds of a packed street, people moving through it. Gloria weaves through the crowd.

GLORIA
Excuse me-- sorry-- gotta squeeze by... hey! That girl, stop her!

SFX: Sounds of confusion - Gloria sprints - and TACKLES Finley.

BYSTANDER
Hey! What's going--

FINLEY
Ahhhh! Someone help me, I'm getting kidnapped!

SFX: Bystanders murmur, perturbed.

GLORIA
No, no - don't listen to her! I am a federal agent and this teenage girl is a murderous criminal!

SFX: The crowd murmurs, uncertain.

GLORIA
Seriously! Nothing to see here. It's just that...
(thinking)
You're all on a PRANK SHOW! It's about the bystander effect and you all PASSED! Wooooh we got you good, there's cameras there and there and... here! Here's some money for your participation, it's... $68 dollars, that's all I have. You just divide that up amongst yourself and keep an out eye out for Can I Be Prank With You? coming this fall, 10pm on Tuesdays! WOOOH!
(awkward pause)
Okay bye now.

SFX: She drags Finley away. The crowd continues to murmur.

MUSIC: TRANSITION.

INT. NEPALESE VILLAGE DIVE BAR - DAY

SFX: The sounds of clinking glasses and patrons grumbling. It's a grungy, off the beaten track, watering hole. The door opens - Skip and McGrath enter.

SKIP
It's COLD! And that's saying something, I saw the look Zelda gave Bowden when he used the office printer for fliers to his one man Halloween show, "It's Not Bowdenstein, it's Bowdenstein's Monster."

MCGRATH
Don't care - need food, where's the bar?

SKIP
I'll get us a table! Hey, grab me a chocolate milk!

SFX: A chair scraping on the floor as Skip sits down.

SFX: Click

SKIP (into his recorder)
Audio mission report log #8: We arrived in Kathmandu at oh-nine hundred hours and reached the meeting place. On the lookout for the contact, still no sign.

SFX: Click. Skip turns off the recorder.

SFX: Click - he turns it back on again.

SKIP
Meeting location has a lovely rustic feel to it, but it definitely wouldn't pass a health inspection. Would give it four and a half stars on Yelp.

SFX: Click. Skip turns off the recorder.

SFX: Click - he turns it back on again.

SKIP
Also, Birdemic 2 is actually not that bad.

SFX: Click. Skip turns off the recorder.

SFX: Click - he turns it back on again.

SKIP
Don't tell Bowden I said that.

McGrath comes back to the table munching.

SKIP
What is that?

MCGRATH
Don't know. Some kind of goat ball?

SKIP
Goat??

MCGRATH
What? It's a local delicacy. Don't be judgey. And here's your chocolate milk.

SKIP
Hershey's or Nesquik?

MCGRATH
Something called Big Rob's Choco Splosion.

SKIP
Oh dear. Well, here goes nothing...
(he sips)
Oh wow, that's powerful! It IS like a splosion in my mouth!

MCGRATH
No sign of the envoy?

SKIP
I don't think so, but then again, we don't know what the envoy looks like.

SFX: Footsteps as someone comes up to them.

ROCKFIST
Hey. You here for the thing?

SKIP (uncertain)
Um... yes? For the thing thing, right?

ROCKFIST
Yeah. Me and the other guys are over there.

SKIP
Oh! I didn't realize it was a group.

ROCKFIST
Well, yeah. One's not enough.

SKIP
Oh wow! The mystery of the briefcase deepens.

MCGRATH
How'd you know it was us?

ROCKFIST
We were waiting on two folks who were gonna look out of place. Wasn't expecting you to be so noodle-armed though.

SKIP
Well that's unnecessary.

MCGRATH
Well, we weren't expecting people who look like they're out of a Mad Max fan fiction.

ROCKFIST
Well, to each their own. The name's Rockfist. Let's get going.

SKIP
Ah yes, to the second location! Just give me a minute to finish my drink.

SFX: Skip starts chugging the chocolate milk. Gives up part way through.

SKIP
Let's go!

SFX: Footsteps as they leave. We transition over to the bar area. Footsteps walk up.

ENVOY
Excuse me, bartender? I'm supposed to be meeting two Americans. Are they here?

BARTENDER
No clue.

ENVOY
Huh. Guess I'll wait.

MUSIC: TRANSITON

INT. MEDITATION ROOM - DAY

SFX: The meditation sounds continue.

BOWDEN
This is taking forever. How long has it been?

MONK
Six minutes.

BOWDEN
Oh my god.

SFX: SNORE!!!!

MONK
Oh! That means he's done. Here--

SFX: The monk hits a gong.

SENSEI (waking up)
--wha WHA--! Oh... mmm. Yes. I have emerged from the Gray State. I come back to you now, the same as I was. But grayer.

MONK
Sensei, you have a visitor. I'll leave you two to it.

SFX: The monk leaves.

SENSEI
Why do you seek an audience with me, Bowden Moncrief?

BOWDEN
You know my name?

SENSEI
Of course. It was in our Airbnb booking app.

BOWDEN
In quiet corners of the internet, I have heard whispers of your practices. Your ability to fully transform the mind into something stronger than steel. So I come to you, a man truly humbled by hardship, to seek a path forward. I need your guidance. Your tutelage. I am yours to mold.

SENSEI
Hmmmm... no.

BOWDEN
Just... no?

SENSEI
Yes.

BOWDEN
Yes?!

SENSEI
No - no.

BOWDEN
Wait, is it yes or no?

SENSEI
Yes, it is no.

BOWDEN
Wait but--

SENSEI
I will not take you on.

BOWDEN
Please! You don't understand --

SENSEI
This is not a good time. In two days time, we have a great ritual planned and there is simply no time for you.

BOWDEN
But I've come a long way to see you! Two planes, a train, a camel! AND an electric scooter after that camel got sick of me and threw me off! And my Roth IRA...

SENSEI
Few have braved the harsh winds of Mt. Rushiyon to its bitter peak and you have my respect for that. But my answer is no. Now, good day sir. I said Good Day sir!

Beat.

BOWDEN (thinking)
Wait. Were you just referencing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

SENSEI
Yes.

BOWDEN
You know movies?

SENSEI
Of course.

BOWDEN
Why do I recognize you...?
(he snaps his fingers)
Yes! I DO know you! You're Guy St. Le Ferve!

GUY
You... know me?

BOWDEN
Of course! You were in The Mother's Whistler, what? 10 years ago?

GUY
Nine. Don't age me!

BOWDEN
Yes! You were a revelation, you should have won the Oscar for that!

GUY
I agree. But they would have never given it to a no-name first timer.

BOWDEN
Usually not. But then what happened? Wait, weren't you...?
(realizing)
Oh... uh... sorry.

GUY
Yep. My agent said that Giblet Swindlers would be the next big thing. Best thing for my career, he swore. I was young, what did I know? Of course box office bomb, atomic level. There was no coming back from that, no one in Hollywood would touch me. I'd been toiling away for years only to have it ripped out from under me. I didn't know how to come back from it mentally, emotionally... so I came East and I found enlightenment. I realized, I didn't need the endless auditions and rejections, all for a glimmer of a chance of success. Once I opened myself up to greater possibilities that there were other ways to live, I left Hollywood, rose above, and am happier for it.

BOWDEN
That's incredible. I've been an actor for so long and I love it but lately... it just feels hard. How long are you supposed to keep pushing the boulder up the hill before you just say okay and let it crush you? I feel like I need to look at my path differently but I don't know how. I can't just keep being the boyfriend from Acquaintances. I need find who I am outside of that.

SFX: Guy snaps his fingers.

GUY
That's who you are! The guy from Acquaintances!

BOWDEN
You've seen it?

GUY
Hell yeah! Great binge watch when you're home with food poisoning.

BOWDEN
Honestly I've taken worse compliments.

SFX: A pause as Guy considers.

GUY
Bowden, maybe there is a place here for you after all. I think I can help you find happiness too.

BOWDEN
Yes! Thank you! I swear you won't be disappointed, I'll follow your teachings to a tee. Think of yourself as Stanislavski and me as Brando. Or Pacino. Or Streep. Or Day-Lewis! Or-

GUY
Or Montcrief. And he is enough.

BOWDEN
Oh my GOD you're awesome!

GUY
Come. I have much to teach you.

TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - DAY

SFX: The hustle and bustle of travelers rushing to their flights. Maybe an announcement plays over the loudspeaker. Gloria and Finley stand in line.

GLORIA
Alright Finley, I hope you got that out of your system. TSA doesn't take kindly to shenanigans so get it together and we can get through this as painlessly as possible.

FINLEY
Jeez, you're no fun.

GLORIA
Fun? Fun is a Friday night with a bowl of guacamole and a game of Yahtzee. Chasing a kid with a bad attitude and a bird murdering problem is not.

FINLEY
People are staring, you know. If you unlock the handcuffs we'd be more under the radar.

GLORIA
After what you just pulled? Fat chance.

FINLEY
Whatever.

GLORIA
You know, I get that being a teenager is hard, but if you take a good hard look at your actions, you could learn a thing or two--

FINLEY
HEYY! BOMB! BOMB! This lady has a bomb!

SFX: A ruckus begins! Alarms blare!

GLORIA
Hey! No, no I don't-

TSA AGENT
Everyone down! Or you WILL be treated as a hostile and you won't get to pet the TSA dogs that are on their way!

GLORIA (huffy)
Finley....

EXT. STREET - DAY

SFX: Gloria leads Finley down the street.

FINLEY
So what now?

GLORIA
What now? WHAT NOW?? You tell me, since you got us both on the no fly list.

FINLEY (chuckling)
And you didn't see it coming at all.

GLORIA
Ugh Rodrigo at the FAA is gonna be so annoyed when I tell him he has to wipe my record again. And I didn't even get to pet the TSA dog! I don't know why you're making this so difficult!

FINLEY
Oh yes, because I'm dying to stay in federal custody.

GLORIA
Well, mark my words, you're gonna! Now come on!

FINLEY
Where're we going?

GLORIA
I'm not going to tell you. It'll just give you more time to scheme.

FINLEY
If you're not telling, then I'm not going.

GLORIA
Oh yes you are!

FINLEY
No I'm not! Hey, no, don't touch me-

SFX: Finley plops down on the sidewalk.

GLORIA
No -- stand up!

FINLEY
No! If you want me going somewhere, you'll have to drag me!

GLORIA
What are you, six? Ugh - fine!

SFX: She starts dragging Finley.

FINLEY
In the name of Nelson Mandela, this is passive resistaaaaaance!

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. TRAIN CAR - DAY

SFX: Train whistle.

FINLEY
Ugh. Stuck on a train for three whole days.

GLORIA
We could have been back in six hours if we flew.

FINLEY
I'm hungry.

GLORIA
Too bad.

FINLEY
You can't not feed me. Haven't you heard of the Geneva Convention?

GLORIA
Of course I have!
(Silence.)
Okay, so what's the deal with the birds?

FINLEY
You know the ducks in the fountain, the pigeons in the park - they don't belong to anyone. You can just take them.

GLORIA
Sure... but why kill them?

FINLEY
I wasn't trying to kill them. Birds are just super fragile.

GLORIA
Okay, but as bad as accidentally killing animals is, it seems a little small time to get the federal government involved.

FINLEY
Right? Suspicious, isn't it?

GLORIA
What do you mean?

FINLEY
They're not real. The birds.

GLORIA
Uh....

FINLEY
I believe that most of them are fake, perfectly designed bird-like mimics, built by the government to spy on us. So you can imagine why they'd want to silence me, can't you?

GLORIA (processing)
Uh, okay, Finley - I try to be respectful and open to all different points of view from different walks of life. But the government has no interest or plans to use fake, bird robots to spy on you.

FINLEY
You work for the government, right?

GLORIA
Yes.

FINLEY
So that's exactly what you would say.

GLORIA
No, but-

FINLEY
I'm hungry. Get me something to eat or I'll start yelling bomb again.

GLORIA
Fine, we can go to the dining car - but I'll be watching you so no funny business!

SFX: TRANSITION

INT. TRAIN DINING CAR - DAY

SFX: The soft sounds of passengers murmuring as they eat. The door slides open and Gloria and Finley walk up to the counter. One table is rowdy with Sports Fans in the background.

ROWDY FAN
WOOOOH! The Lincoln Librarians are gonna wipe the floor with the Scottsdale Swashbucklers, just you wait!

ROWDY FAN 2
Shut up Ray! The Librarians eat feet for breakfast!

GLORIA (to the bartender)
Excuse me, can we please have two hummus wraps and two waters?

FINLEY
Iced tea.

GLORIA
Fine. Iced tea.

TRAIN BARTENDER
Sure thing.

ROWDY FAN
YEAAAAH! Swashbucklers slay!

GLORIA
Sports fans?

BARTENDER
Yeah. Apparently there's some big canoe polo game happening in St. Louis. And these fellas decided to do a party train out there. Lucky me. But at least they're having fun. That's what trains are all about. You know, Abraham Lincoln was a train guy, he loved 'em. Oh, by the way, the wraps come with chips, what type do you want? We have a bunch.

GLORIA
Can I see what you have?

BARTENDER
You betcha.

SFX: Footsteps and Gloria moves behind the counter.

ROWDY FAN 2
Hey Ray, chug race!

ROWDY FAN
Chuuuuuuug!

SFX: The two fans chug their drinks.

FINLEY
Hey, Ray?

ROWDY FAN
What?

FINLEY
Bro-ski over there said the Librarians suck nuts and you're a dumbass for supporting them.

ROWDY FAN
WHAT? Hey, Tony! You wanna go?

ROWDY FAN #3
Hey step off man!

ROWDY FAN
You step off! Taste my fist!

SFX: A fight breaks out between the fans.

TRAIN BARTENDER
Oh my god, what's happening--

GLORIA
Finley! What did you do??

FINLEY
Nothing! They just started fighting!

SFX: The fighting escalates.

BARTENDER
Please, gentlemen, stop! This isn't safe, the conductor will be required by law to stop the train and call the authorities if you don't--

SFX: SMASH! One of the fans crashes into something highly breakable that shatters.

GLORIA
Oh jeez.

EXT. MOUNTAIN PATH - DAY

SFX: The wind blows and the snow falls. Skip and Mcgrath walk with Rockfist and his group.

SKIP
Wooh! Sorry we're falling behind! Neither of us were expecting to climb a mountain today.
(beat)
Why are we climbing a mountain?

ROCKFIST
Cuz that's where it's going down.

SKIP
Oh okay. And will someone be available to guide us back down when it's over? It's not safe to traverse mountains alone without the proper training and gear.

ROCKFIST
(Grunts)

SKIP
I will take that as a yes!
(calling back)
McGrath, are you okay back there?

MCGRATH
No!

SKIP
Hang on.

SFX: Skip rushes back to Mcgrath.

SKIP
What's wrong?

MCGRATH
I'm cold, I'm jetlagged, and four goat balls was not enough to climb a damn mountain!

SKIP
Here, one of the fellows here gave me some trail mix. It has wasabi peas in it - genius!

SFX: McGrath wolfs it down.

MCGRATH (through a mouthful)
Okay yeah, it is pretty bomb. But don't you think it's weird that we're going all the way up this mountain to make the exchange?

SKIP
I find it extremely weird! But maybe that's how dangerous the mysterious liquid is. Face melting, even.

MCGRATH
I don't know, something seems off about these guys. I can't put my finger on it.

SKIP
I could ask them for some clarity on the agenda?

MCGRATH
No! These guys have muscles for days, tons of "climbing equipment" that are definitely just weapons, and I'm guessing not a lot of patience. We don't wanna piss them off. Let's just... be on the lookout.

SKIP
Okay.

TRANSITION MUSIC

EXT. MONASTERY - TRAINING MONTAGE

GUY
That looks great Bowden - though don't be afraid to really go for it!

BOWDEN
Okay... I wouldn't say that I'm afraid to go for it. More I just don't understand why I'm painting the leaves on the trees.

GUY
It's about merging your mind with your surroundings.

BOWDEN
By painting the leaves red and orange?

GUY
So they pop! Are you not a fan of fall foliage?

BOWDEN
No, no, I am. The When Harry Met Sally poster is iconic. I guess I just don't... get it?

GUY
We are formed by our environments but we form our environments as well. If we are patient and intentional, we can have impact, even in small ways. Let that agency flow through you. Do you feel it, Bowden? Do you feel it?

BOWDEN
Okay... yeah, I think I do!

QUICK TRANSITION

SFX: Claps in between each number as Guy does pushups.

GUY
78! (clap!) 79! (clap) 80! (clap!) 81! (clap!)

SFX: Bowden pants on the ground, moaning.

BOWDEN
No. More. Push-ups. Please...

GUY
Do you feel it Bowden? Do you feel it?

BOWDEN (in pain)
I feel it...

QUICK TRANSITION:

SFX: The sounds of shovels scraping on the stone, courtyard floor.

GUY
Clear your mind of distractions just as we are clearing this courtyard of snow!

BOWDEN
Okay, I'm back to feeling like I'm just doing yardwork.

GUY
Are you saying that tradesman - gardeners, stone masons, carpenters - are devoid of wisdom? Do you look down on them?

BOWDEN
What? No, no, all I'm saying is--

GUY
These are noble professions, Bowden. We can learn from them. Embrace the meditative actions. Harness your discipline. Center yourself.

BOWDEN
Huh... okay, yeah, like method acting! I can understand that!

QUICK TRANSITION

GUY
This is how we come into this world.

BOWDEN (shivering, teeth chattering)
Naked?

GUY
Yes. That is when we are our purest. Our most vulnerable. It is also the moment we see an entirely new world before us. Go back to that place in your mind. Open yourself up to the great wide world.

BOWDEN
I am open, Sensei.

GUY
Good. Now when you are ready, dive into the snowbank.

BOWDEN
WHAT?

GUY
Feel the cold, but do not let it pierce your mind. Endure.

SFX: Guy drops into the snow.

GUY
Ahhhhh.

BOWDEN
Okaay, here goes.

SFX: He falls into the snow.

BOWDEN
AHHHHHH!

QUICK TRANSITION

SFX: Thwack!

BOWDEN
Ow.

SFX: Thwack!

BOWDEN
Ow.

GUY
Embrace the pain and release it Bowden. I am only hitting your body with a stick. Your mind is untouchable if you make it so. Sever your ties to earthly misery.

BOWDEN
Yes, Sensei!

SFX: Thwack!

BOWDEN
Ow.

SFX: Quick transition.

INT. CAR - DAY

SFX: Gloria and Finley drive in silence.

FINLEY
Can we listen to the radio?

GLORIA
NO!

FINLEY
Sheesh.

GLORIA
You ruined the plane and the train, I don't trust ANYTHING you say. I bet you have some sort of plan to use the radio to completely get us lost or break down or... something! So we are going to ride in silence, stare straight ahead, and not do anything! Not even... I Spy.

FINLEY
Fine.

SFX: Another silence passes.

FINLEY
Ummm...

GLORIA
What?

FINLEY
Look - out the back.

GLORIA
Nice try!

FINLEY
Birds! There are birds!

GLORIA
Yeah. It's the outside. Of course there are!

FINLEY
They're coming for me...

GLORIA
They are NOT! You're either nuts or trying to trick me again!

FINLEY
Oh my god, they're after me, they're hunting me down, how did they get them to-- quick, we have to go faster! Go, go!!

GLORIA
I'm not falling for it!

FINLEY
Drive! Get off the road, do something!

GLORIA
No!

FINLEY
Really!

GLORIA
NO! Hey don't--

SFX: Finley grabs the wheel and steers them off the road, Gloria tries to wrestle it back. Both are yelling. CRRRRRRRUUUUUUUNCH! The car crashes into a tree and is totaled.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. FOREST - DAY

SFX: Gloria slowly comes to amid the smoking wreckage.

GLORIA
Ohhhhhh.... Ugh... my head... Finley, are you alright?
(No answer.)
Oh no... she's gone!
(calling)
Finley! FINLEY??
(to herself)
What am I thinking, she's constantly been trying to escape, of course she's not going to answer! Lucky for her that I can't pommel her into oblivion right now. Unlucky for her that Uncle Riley made me a master tracker and so the pommeling is a-coming!
(calling)
Mark my words Finley! I will find you! You WILL be escort missioned!

INT. FOREST - DAY

SFX: Gloria runs into a clearing.

GLORIA (calling)
Finley!!! I am coming! Where are-- oh, there you are. AHH HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LET THAT GOOSE GO!

FINLEY
It's one of them!!!

SFX: Honk honk!

GLORIA
How did you even get that?

FINLEY
Sucker got cocky, got too close. He didn't know I'm ONTO THEM!

GLORIA
Get your fingers out of its mouth, that is dangerous and I think it is technically harassment!

SFX; Honk honk!

FINLEY
I feel the wires! I feel the microchips! It's a spy!

GLORIA
No it's not! Let it GO!

SFX: Gloria wrangles Finley and the goose struggles free. Honk honk! Gloria chases after Finley.

GLORIA
Get back here!

FINLEY
No! AAAAAH!

SFX; Gloria tackles her.

GLORIA
AHHH! Gotcha!

SFX; They both breath heavily for a second, catching their breath. We hear a very ominous fluttering of wings. Then another set. Then another.

GLORIA
Um... am I seeing a circle of seemingly angry birds surrounding us??

FINLEY
Yes. You are. I told you.

GLORIA
What are they--

SFX: A SQUAWK and an angry flutter of wings.

GLORIA
AHHH!

SFX: More wing sounds, a chorus of angry squawks as the birds attack.

FINLEY
They're attacking!

GLORIA
Oh my god oh my god! Okay, get ready, stand your ground!

SFX: TRANSITION

INT. INNER MONASTERY

GUY
Well Bowden? Are you beginning to understand my methods?

BOWDEN
I am! I feel... rejuvenated. That little voice in my head telling me that my movie got shelved because I'm not good enough is gone. I just feel... at peace. I never would have thought it, but I kind of want to be one of those crunchy granola guys now! I could live in a van! Gloria wouldn't like it at first but she'd adjust.

GUY
I'm glad you see the wisdom of my ways. Because it's time to let you in on a secret. I want to tell you about the ritual we have planned--

SFX: BAM! The doors burst open and the MONK runs in.

MONK
Sensei! The monastery is under attack!

BOWDEN
What?

EXT. MONASTERY - DAY

SFX: Skip and and McGrath pant, out of breath.

SKIP
WOOOH! That was a climb! My dogs are barking.

ROCKFIST
Catch your breath fast. It is time. We are here.

MCGRATH
Here being... some old monastery? This is where the handoff is happening?

ROCKFIST
This is where we attack.

SKIP & MCGRATH
ATTACK!?

SFX: QUICK TRANSITION

INT. MONASTERY - BACK TO SCENE

BOWDEN
Attack? What? How? Who?

MONK
Raiders! They just came through the mountain pass, they'll be on us in minutes!

GUY
Thank you, Carl. Go prepare.

SFX: The monk runs out.

BOWDEN
Oh my god, we're getting attacked! I'm not prepared for this. Why did I never let Gloria teach me judo? I just always thought there'd be more time! And right when I finally find spiritual enlightenment-- wait. Guy, how are you so calm? Do you have a plan? Are you going to unleash some sort of spiritual laser beam out of your mind?

GUY
This is my plan.

BOWDEN
What do you mean?

GUY
I put word out on the mercenary message boards about the monastery's treasures. I told them they are welcome to have them...

BOWDEN
WHAT?

GUY
...if they can defeat me and my monks.

BOWDEN
But why would you do that? I'm no archaeologist, but the relics here have got to be worth a lot.

GUY
They are. But the raiders won't win. I have reached enlightenment.

BOWDEN
Inviting someone to come fight you is enlightenment?!

GUY
It's part of the larger plan. Haven't you noticed the cameras all over the monastery? They're hidden, but I thought with your keen actor's eye... no? Well, we're filming all of this - for reality TV!

BOWDEN
WHAT? Wait, is that why we painted all the tree leaves and shoveled all that snow? For set dressing?

GUY
And we've pushed our bodies to the physical limit in a way that will really pop on camera. It's part of my big comeback plan. Come on, people LOVE a reality TV comeback story. Just look at Tom Sandoval, The Traitors was the best thing that could have ever happened for his career! And not only is "recluse actor who saves ancient sanctuary from bloodthirsty mercenaries" an awesome comeback, it's never been done before. Everyone does rehab or charity work. No one does real life action hero. Tell me you wouldn't rush to cast that guy for the ticket sales alone. And you can be a part of it too Bowden. We'll beat these raiders, save the monastery, and we can make our big return to Hollywood.

BOWDEN
But...

GUY
Trust me Bowden. You've followed my teachings.

BOWDEN
You really think we can beat them?

GUY
I know we can. Come Bowden! For glory!

SFX: He runs out of the monastery.

BOWDEN
Oh god... okay! I'm coming! Gah, I told Gary I needed a full time stunt person on staff!

EXT. MONASTERY COURTYARD

SFX: Bowden runs out - and there is a melee full swing.

GUY
When you are one with the universe, you can call upon its strength! Bowden, fight with me! HYAAAAH!

SFX: Guy throws himself into the fight...

GUY
OW! OOHHHH! OOOF!

SFX: ... he gets pommeled. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

BOWDEN
Guy! What are you doing? I thought you said you could beat them - OOH! Ow! That's gotta hurt.

SFX: Another raider growls and turns on Bowden.

RAIDER
Come here puny man.

BOWDEN
Puny? I may not have your hulking biceps but I am more than the average heightAHHHHH!

SFX: He runs at Bowden! Bowden dodges.

GUY
Fight him, Bowden! For our future! OW!

BOWDEN
Oww-- OW! But we're getting absolutely AHHHH! OW!

SFX: Quick transition. The fighting whirlwinds around Skip and McGrath.

MCGRATH
Skip! What do we do? They're gonna tear this place - and us - apart!

MCGRATH
God, I wish Gloria were here. We're kind of spoiled, she would have this taken care of without a problem!

SFX: Footsteps as Bowden runs into them.

BOWDEN
Skip!?

SKIP
Bowden??

BOWDEN
McGrath?!

MCGRATH
Bowden?! But I wished for Gloria! What are you doing here?

BOWDEN
I thought I knew, until it all turned out to be a big pile of nothing! What are YOU doing here?

SKIP
I promise, it's a misunderstanding!

BOWDEN
What does that mean?

MCGRATH
I don't know, it just happened!

BOWDEN
HOW??

SKIP
I'M SO CONFUSED!

SFX: Raiders run at them and attack.

MCGRATH
Ahhh look out!

SFX: A raider swings - hits a stone wall which collapses! Bowden dives out of the way.

BOWDEN
AHH! Oof - close one! Mcgrath? Skip? Where are you?
(no reply)
Oh jeez, I lost them! What are we gonna do?

GUY (still getting pwned)
OOOW! OOOF! ARRGH! Screw this, you guys can have all of the treasures, I'm outta here!

SFX: He runs.

BOWDEN
Oh no you don't Guy! You have to clean up this mess, get back here! Wait!

SFX: Bowden runs after him.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

SFX: Gloria and Finley are in a full on rumble with the birds. Gloria swings.

GLORIA
Back! Stay back you!

SFX: A bird squawks when she hits it.

GLORIA
Thank goodness I brought my travel shillelagh!

FINLEY
It'd be nice if you had something for me other than a Desperate Housewives umbrella. ACK!

SFX: Finley fends off another bird.

GLORIA
It's my husband's!

SFX: She takes down another bird, we hear the feathery carnage.

GLORIA
That's another one down!

SFX: Sparks of electricity spit out of it.

GLORIA
What the-- is it sparking?? I need to see that -- cover me!

FINLEY
Yeah, I'll do my best. With a GODDAMN UMBRELLA.

SFX: Gloria crawls toward the fritzing bird carcass and investigates.

GLORIA
What the...? Property of AthenaCorps!!!

FINLEY
What the hell is that?

SFX: Squawks as Finley fights off more birds

GLORIA
Long story! Hang on a minute...

FINLEY
Are you making a phone call?? NOW??

SFX: Gloria dials. She keeps fighting as she talks on the phone.

ATHENA (PHONE)
What do you want Kovak?

GLORIA
Athena! These are your robot birds??

ATHENA (PHONE)
Wait -- you're the one who's been messing with them? What the hell? You corrupted the synpatic relay in the radio frequency that connects them all to the same network all over the world. Now they're glitching out everywhere!

FINLEY (over squawking)
Can you hurry up?

GLORIA
Wait: birds are actually not real??

ATHENA (PHONE)
Don't be stupid - just several tens of thousands of them, which happen to be my spies. Look, I don't know what kind of game you're playing but stop it. You've cost me tons of money with all the damage you've done to their network.

GLORIA
It's not me, it's the person I'm with-- but now they're attacking us!

ATHENA (PHONE)
Serves you right!

FINLEY
Okay, but didn't I try to tell you that they weren't real?

SFX: The bird mayhem continues in the background.

GLORIA
Not now Finley!
(into the phone)
Athena, can you stop them? They're trying to tear us apart!

ATHENA (PHONE)
Oh no. What a tragedy. That was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell. Get stuffed, Kovak!

GLORIA
Please! If you get them off line, we can stop smashing them up. And I will personally owe you a huge favor!

ATHENA (PHONE)
Hmmm. Now that's tempting.

GLORIA
Come on!

ATHENA
Fine. Just hold them off as well as you can, it's gonna take me some time to collapse the whole relay, but I'll see what I can do.

SFX; Athena hangs up. The bird brawl continues.

GLORIA
Alright Finley, we just have to hang in there as long as we can! Someone very sketchy and unreliable has promised to help us!

FINLEY
Oh. Great.

SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC

EXT. CLIFFS BEHIND MONASTERY - NEXT

SFX: Bowden runs out to the cliff side. Altitude winds blow hard.

BOWDEN
WOAH! Okay... that's very far down.
(calling)
Guy, wait! What the hell was that?

GUY
Things got a little out of hand there.

BOWDEN
So you're just leaving?

GUY
I have a grappling hook that'll get me down to that ridge, there's a tunnel we can escape through. And you know, maybe we can mess with the footage, get creative in editing to still get the story we want! You can do anything with AI these days. You coming?

BOWDEN
Oh my god. I can't believe it.

GUY
What?

BOWDEN
I thought you had figured everything out. I actually bought into your crap.

GUY
Hang on, the teachings are still valid--

BOWDEN
I wasn't after some harebrained scheme to trick people into giving me work. I was trying to improve myself and be happy just making art. I came to you looking for answers but... you're not enlightened. You're just a fake.

GUY
Wow. Rude.

BOWDEN
I should have been looking for answers in myself. Yes, I want to be a star, but I want to be happy more. Maybe you need cheap tricks, but I don't.

GUY
That's too bad.

SFX: Guy steps towards Bowden.

BOWDEN
Woah, hey, stay back, don't push--AHHH!

SFX: Guy pushes Bowden. Bowden stumbles backwards - and slips off the rock! He grabs the cliff just in time!

BOWDEN
What are you doing?

GUY
There's no way I can trust you to not blow my cover. I know your type. The second you're feeling insecure and need attention, you'll go get your fix by blabbing to TMZ about all of this.

BOWDEN
I would NEVER blab to TMZ! Come on, at least give me Inside The Actor's Studio!

GUY
This can't get out, Bowden. I'll be a joke.

BOWDEN
You're already a joke!

GUY
Bold of you to say that to the guy who holds your life in his hands! If you're not with me, then I can't count on mutually-assured destruction to keep you quiet, so we'll just have to go with regular old solo destruction.

SFX: Quick transition

EXT. MONASTERY - SAME

SFX: The monastery brawl continues.

MCGRATH
Skip, where did Bowden go?

SKIP
I didn't see!

MONK (as he's fighting)
I think I saw your friend run around back!

SKIP
Um guys... something is flying towards us.

MCGRATH
Are those... birds??

SFX: Squawks and feathers as a horde of birds descends on the fight.

ROCKFIST
Where'd all these damned birds come from??
(a bird attacks him)
OW!

MONK
Our connection to the universe has provided spiritual reinforcements in our fight!

MCGRATH
Uh, is that why their eyes are glowing red and they're sparking like a toaster tossed in the bathtub?

RAIDER
Demon birds!!!

MONK
The great Himalayan monal comes in our hour of OWWW! Hey, no just attack the raiders, you stupid birds, not us!

SFX: Chaos as the birds, monks, and raiders all clash in a battle for the ages.

SKIP
Come on Mcgrath, we have to find Bowden!

SFX: The run after him.

EXT. CLIFFS - SAME

SFX: The birds are still going haywire in the distance.

BOWDEN
I've changed my mind! I'm ready to get in on this little charade. You can help me up now.

GUY
It's too late, Bowden. I'm sorry. Do you want to just let go of the ledge, or shall I get creative on those fingers of yours?

BOWDEN
Neither!

SFX: Guy steps down hard on Bowden's hand.

BOWDEN
AHHHHH! OW! No, my pinky! Jennifer Lawrence once called it adorable.

GUY
Here we come, finger number two-

BOWDEN
No wait-

SFX: CRUNCH.

BOWDEN
OW!!

SKIP
Stop that!

BOWDEN
Skip! McGrath!

GUY
Stop right there! Or your friend takes a long fall.

MCGRATH
But we have something I think you'll want.

GUY
What's that?

SKIP
Mcgrath, what are you doing with the briefcase?

MCGRATH
Think fast!

SFX: McGrath flings the briefcase at Guy...

SKIP
Don't throw it--!

SFX: And Guy leans out of the way - it flies off the side of the mountain.

SKIP
--oh my god you threw it off the mountain!

MCGRATH
I thought he would catch it and he would get all off-balance. Crap. Well. That's gone.

BOWDEN
Oh. It's going alllllll the way down there. What was in there?

MCGRATH
Some kind of liquid. Possibly explosive.

SFX: In the far far distance below, we hear an explosion.

SKIP
Definitely explosive.

GUY
Okay. Well, back to what I was doing. Say goodbye Bowden--

SKIP/MCGRATH
You can't!/No!/ Stop!

SFX: A LOUD BIRD SCREECH as a bird tears through the air and collides with Guy's face.

GUY
Wait, what the heck is AHHHHHHHH!

SFX: The bird mauls Guy in the face, scratching out his eyes, going for blood.

GUY (through screams)
Ahhhhhh my face! My beautiful face! I can't see anything, I can't--WOAOAOAAH!

BOWDEN
Oh my god he went over the cliff!

SFX: We hear Guy's scream echoing the whole way down.

MCGRATH
Wow. That is far.

SKIP
Bowden, let me help you up!

SFX: Skip pulls Bowden up from the cliff.

BOWDEN
Thank goodness, you got here just in time. But what are you guys doing here--?

SFX: A bird screeches and dives at them. They all yell and dive out of the way.

BOWDEN
And what the hell is going on with these birds?

MCGRATH
No clue and I don't care, let's just get outta--

SFX: And suddenly, all of the bird screeches stop at once. Thud. Thud. Thud thud thud thud thud. As each bird drops dead to the ground.

MCGRATH
They-- they all just died? Just like that?

SKIP
Oh. That's kind of sad.

BOWDEN
They were trying to murder us!

MCGRATH
It's like someone just threw a switch and flipped them all off at once.

SFX: In the distance, back in the courtyard we hear...

RAIDER
What the... all the birds. They just died?? How?? WHY??

ROCKFIST
This place is cursed! Let's get out of here!

MCGRATH
This has been a really weird day.

SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

GLORIA
...and I just really think there should be some kind of law about having robot birds that spy on everyone!

ZELDA
I don't disagree, Gloria. But, just to confirm: Finley escaped?

GLORIA
Yes! Yes, in all the madness of the bird fight, she slipped away - I couldn't do anything, I was trying to not get bird murdered.

ZELDA
And there's no chance that you felt guilty about bringing her in when she was correct about the birds?

GLORIA (laughs nervously)
Whaaaaaat? Ha. Ha. No! I wouldn't do-- no. No.

ZELDA
So: you were the cause of multiple broad daylight kidnapping reports in Portland, got a train taken fully out of service, decimating the Amtrak schedule, and still failed in the mission?

GLORIA
Yeah. But again: it was robot birds. So I'm gonna give myself grace on this one.

ZELDA
Well, Whitmire certainly will not. Especially when we are oh for two this week. Which brings me to...

SKIP
Section Chief, before you say anything, it was technically a bird that caused the death of Guy St. Le Ferve, not us.

ZELDA
What? I don't care about that. I care about the priceless chemical specimen that you--

SKIP
That McGrath -

MCGRATH
Thanks a lot.

ZELDA
That you collectively threw off a cliff! Our partner in Bhutan is furious and is now refusing to turn over the information they had promised in exchange. Not to mentioned the diplomatic damage you did by exploding a very expensive hydroelectric plant at the bottom of the mountain.

SKIP
In our defense, we did help prevent the raiders from destroying and looting the monastery!

MCGRATH
Yeah, and no one told us the briefcase was gonna blow up, how were we supposed to know?

ZELDA
You were supposed to be careful!

BOWDEN
Well, all I know is I wasn't assigned to either of these missions, so I'm in the clear.

ZELDA
That may technically be true but I am absolutely going to hold the fact that you got taken in by a disgraced C-List celebrity's lunacy against you.

BOWDEN
That's fair. But I'm returning with a clearer mind, much better focus, and greater acceptance of myself.

GLORIA
Wait - did Guy actually teach you something?

BOWDEN
Yes! I forgot how desperate some actors can be and it really helps put in perspective that I'm awesome.

MCGRATH
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You were saved by a bird. Yet another reason why having a trained bird around more often could be useful...

SKIP
McGrath, you can't seriously still want a pet bird after all of that!

MCGRATH
I don't know, I'm just saying--

ZELDA
Enough. These were supposed to be easy, straightforward missions but they were both catastrophes. I don't know how I'm going to spin this to the brass upstairs but I expect that you all get your acts together and next time you actually do your damned jobs. Now get out of here. Dismissed.

SKIP
Yes, Section Chief.

SFX: As they leave, they chatter amongst themselves.

SFX: The door shuts.

ZELDA
And I was starting to think we were done with the dressings down for disastrously failing very simple missions.
(she laughs to herself)
God, I forgot how fun that can be.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

MISSION VOICE
(Reads credits)

INT. ATHNEA'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SFX: Athena flips through paperwork while arguing on the phone.

ATHENA
No! I said "marbled grouse" not "garbled mouse", whatever that means. Yes. Thirty robot grouses. There was a complete disaster with the last batch.

SFX: Chet enters.

CHET
Hallways are mopped.

ATHENA
(To Chet0
SHHH!
(to phone)
I know it's called a flock not a batch! Just make me a batch of birds! I want em nesting on my desk tomorrow!
(hangs up)
Idiots. What a day. And you know, you've been absolutely useless on figuring out what this signal coming out of me is.

CHET
Well...I was thinking about what happened...in the hallway...last night-

ATHENA
What happened in the hallway last night?

CHET
Do you not remember?

CHET
It was...just a big spill.

ATHENA
Do I look like I have time to remember every spill you clean up?

CHET
I guess not.

ATHENA
I'm out. G'night, custodian.

SFX; She goes. He walks over to the door and tests the knob.

CHET
Well that's unsettling. She didn't even remember I broke the lock.

SFX: He listens - Athena is talking to someone down the hall.

CHET
Who are you talking to, sweetheart? Whoops.

SFX: Chet ducks back into the room as footsteps approach.

ATHENA
...stupid goddamn robot birds...

SFX: Athena gets in the elevator and leaves. Chet steps out into the hallway.

CHET
Anybody here?

SFX: He walks down the hallway.

CHET
Room 1729.
(rattles the knob)
Locked. What have you got in there -

SFX: That low cry sounds again, somewhere in the walls.

CHET
Well that's not coming from 1729. That's inside...this wall. Which looks like one of the old Terrycorps brand false walls...which means it's got an emergency override catch... right...here.

SFX: The door slides open, revealing a whimpering man in a cage.

CHET
Well lookie who we have here.

TERRY
Chet! Thank goodness! She's gone insane!

CHET
Yeah, I'm starting to gather that. So you're the ghost in the walls.

TERRY
What...why did you say that?

CHET
Say what?

TERRY
...never mind. You have to get me out of here!

CHET
Now why would I do that?

TERRY
We have to escape! Now that you are aware of my existence -

CHET
If she finds out she'll give me a spanking - which I might enjoy - and she'll throw you out the 17th story window - which you won't.

TERRY
Please, Chet! I can't stay in this pedestrian three-star room service cage any longer!

CHET
Why doesn't she have cameras in this room?

TERRY
She doesn't want a record! She knows anyone could tap the feed and find me!

CHET
She's getting way too paranoid. She's losing her goddamn mind. And it's gotta have something do do with that rogue signal.

TERRY
What signal?

SFX: Chet BEEPS on a tracker. The signal plays.

CHET
This signal is coming from her. You claim she didn't tell you?

TERRY
No! She wants me to work on -

CHET
...on what?

TERRY
Please Chet - ugh!

SFX: Chet yanks him close to the bars.

CHET
What is she making you do?

TERRY
Why is the signal getting louder?

CHET
Dammit! It means she's coming back up here right now.

TERRY
She can't see us together! You have to get us out of this building!

CHET
Why? What's wrong with the building?

TERRY
Go!

CHET
Lemme ask a simpler question: what's in room 1729?

TERRY
DON'T GO IN THERE! NEVER GO IN THERE!

CHET
Why not? What's in there?

TERRY
Ghosts.

SFX: Something in the dark...slithers. Then it's gone.

MUSIC: END STING!