Season Six, Episode Nine: “Lie Another Day”
Transcript
INT. DARKTRAIN - NO DEFINITE TIME
The train hums along, empty. A few seconds of eerie quiet. Athena FORCES her way through one of the doors, grinding metal. She catches her breath.
ATHENA
There you are.
STRANGE TRANSITION NOISE
INT. ATHENACORP CELL - DAY
Terry whimpers inside his cell, muttering in his sleep.
TERRY
...room service...room service... yes I've beaten The Outer Wilds how dare you question me!
The false door slides open, and Terry wakes with a yelp.
ATHENA
Rise and shine, Terry. Or rise and...dark? It's midnight. Time to earn your keep.
TERRY
What more do you want from me? I've already told you everything I know!
ATHENA
And it was very useful. I found the entrance to the old darktrain - still running, by the way, how long until it stops?
TERRY
Its batteries were designed to drive it until Terrycorp's self- driving vehicles became widespread.
ATHENA
So, the twenty-third century?
TERRY
I don't have to put up with this abuse!
ATHENA
Actually, you do.
She dumps a mound of metal pieces into his cell.
TERRY
What is all this?
ATHENA
It's the pieces of Underground Immortals' cloning device. You're gonna reassemble it.
TERRY
I told you I can't do that without assistance!
ATHENA
I got you an assistant.
TERRY
Who?
ATHENA
This homeless robot I found out on the street.
Mini-McGrath whirs.
MINI MCGRATH
Back off man! I'm a scientist!
ATHENA
The voice sounds vaguely familiar...I kinda like it.
TERRY
That is one of Terrycorp's old toy models! You probably threw it in the dumpster when you stole my company!
ATHENA
Sounds like a perfect assistant for you.
TERRY
I can't work like this -
She seals Terry in with Mini McGrath.
MINI MCGRATH
Okay, droog. What kind of food they got in this joint?
TERRY
My poor Terrybot. What have they done to you?
MINI MCGRATH
Don't make me shiv you, dog!
The door slides open again.
TERRY
Oh thank god. Athena -
CHET
Wrong jailer, Terry.
TERRY
Chet! Let me out!
CHET
Sorry Terry, I...why do you have Mackenzie McGrath's haywire robot?
MINI MCGRATH
This guy is my bitch now!
TERRY
Never mind that! We have to get out of here!
CHET (mocking)
Because the building is haunted, right?
TERRY
I...Chet, something inexplicable is happening here.
CHET
What's in room 1729?
TERRY
Do not go in there!
CHET
Why not?
TERRY
I can hear Athena at night sometimes. She enters that room for hours at a time. When she comes out she's...
CHET
Strange.
TERRY
Yes. As if she is...
CHET
Possessed.
TERRY
...yes.
CHET
And that's your explanation for the foreign signal.
TERRY
Yes.
MINI MCGRATH
BOO.
TERRY
AAH!
CHET
Quiet! That's a load of garbage, Terry.
TERRY
Chet, you are currently my best chance of getting out of this cell and if you go into that room -
CHET
What? What'll happen to me?
MINI MCGRATH
BOO!
TERRY
I don't want to speculate.
CHET
It was your building, what was that room before?
TERRY
It was an all-purpose room, she could have used it for anything when she took over. A laboratory, a shoe closet, a demonic altar -
CHET
I don't think she's into the occult.
TERRY
Do not go in there, Chet! You're my only hope!
CHET
...well don't get your hopes up, Terry.
TERRY
Chet wait!
Chet seals Terry inside again. He starts to weep.
MINI MCGRATH
Don't cry prison buddy! Look at all this junk we can play with!
TERRY
Yes...yes. If no one is going to help us, Terrybot...
(picking up the junk)
...perhaps we'll have to help ourselves.
MINI MCGRATH
Hoopla!
MUSIC: OPENING THEME!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world's most secret agents - the backups. Tonight episode: Lie Another Day.
INT. FRIDAY SATURDAY'S HOUSE
A KNOCK on the door.
FRIDAY
Coming! Just putting the meatballs in the Crock-Pot.
She opens the door.
SKIP
Former Section Chief Saturday?
FRIDAY
Skip? Funny seeing you on my doorstep. What can I do for you -
Skip shoves a thick envelope at her.
SKIP
Who. Is. Sydney. Sloane.
FRIDAY
...you better come in.
SKIP
Yes I think I'd better.
He does.
FRIDAY
You want some meatballs? I make em big -
SKIP
Ms. Saturday. Allow me tell you how my day went from spring and sunshine to nuclear winter and volcanos not two hours ago.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Not two hours ago.
INT. EMF - DAY
Skip leads his team down the EMF hallways.
GLORIA
I have to admit, that was one of our toughest missions yet!
MCGRATH
I can't believe you punched an ostrich, Gloria!
BOWDEN
And it's been a long time since I had to improvise a Shakespearean sonnet to get into a brothel. ...really brought me back.
SKIP
Well team, we've earned ourselves time for a little R&R!
Cheers! Skip opens the door into
INT. THE EMF FILING LIBRARY.
SKIP
Research and re-shelving!
ALL BUT SKIP
(Groan)
MCGRATH
Are you kidding me Skip?
SKIP
I thought you'd be pleased! I had to pull strings to clear each of you to even set foot this room!
BOWDEN
Any chance you could un-pull them?
SKIP
You're standing in the secret history of the EMF! Dossiers and addenda from missions going back to 1959! Excepting during the Paper Clip Blackout of 1978.
GLORIA
This could take ages to sort through, Skip!
SKIP
I know, right? Here you can read about some of the near misses and unknown crises of our agency! Plus, every file you sort will earn you PTO!
GLORIA
Oh well in that case -
SKIP
Proper Training Optimization!
(thud)
Ow! Why'd you throw that ledger at me, McGrath?
A BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE as Skip's story gets interrupted:
FRIDAY
Skip, is this part of the story relevant?
SKIP
Okay I might have gotten a little carried away. But then:
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Not one hour and fifty minutes ago.
BOWDEN
I found a box of thousand-dollar bills with Grover Cleveland on them. Are these real?
MCGRATH
Oh those are mine.
GLORIA
What?!? How?!?
SKIP
They are not yours! You stole those from the petty cash during your first months at the agency!
MCGRATH
What about this one? It's sealed with black tape that's printed with four different criminal statues.
SKIP
Don't open that!
MCGRATH
Hey it's got your name on it!
SKIP
It certainly may! When I was a young agent it was often my job to shelve highly sensitive material like this "dead file".
MCGRATH
What's a "dead file"?
SKIP
Files containing information so highly classified that no one is allowed to see it!
MCGRATH
What sense does that make? Why not just shoot em into space?
SKIP
They are mostly saved for future historians! Information dangerous enough to compromise our entire intelligence system! If you opened one, you could be subject to a lengthy prison - MCGRATH!
She's already opened it.
MCGRATH
Whoa!
SKIP
Put it down!
MCGRATH
Skip there's a thumb drive.
SKIP
Don't engage with it!
MCGRATH
It's labelled. It says there's video footage on it.
SKIP
McGrath put it back in the envelope-
MCGRATH
Skip, please look at this.
SKIP
What...oh my -
Everyone gathers around. Some gasps.
GLORIA
That...can't mean what it says, right?
MCGRATH
Bowden?
BOWDEN
I've known Zelda for over twenty- five years, she...she wouldn't -
MCGRATH
Is it...evidence?
GLORIA
What do we do with this, Skip? Do we...do we tell Zelda?
An angry moment of silence.
SKIP
Team...it's time for some shore leave.
BOWDEN
...which means...?
SKIP
That I must SUREly LEAVE the office right now. I'll take the envelope. You can all take five.
MCGRATH (whispering)
Let's run before he tells us what he thinks that is.
GLORIA
Good idea.
They run. Skip scowls.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Skip lays the envelope on Friday's table.
SKIP
This is my signature. I once held this thumb drive in my hands, and filed it without even looking at the label.
FRIDAY
You were good at your job.
SKIP
Maybe too good. Because if I had looked...
(plugs the drive into a device)
...I would have seen...this.
He plays the video:
SYDNEY (ON TAPE)
- can't send me to jail! I won't survive -
ZELDA (ON TAPE)
You're not going to jail.
A GUNSHOT.
Skip stops the tape.
SKIP
That appears to be footage of Zelda Anders, wearing what looks like a pirate costume, shooting a civilian at point-blank range.
FRIDAY
I can see that.
SKIP
The label reads Z ANDERS ERASES SYDNEY SLOANE.
FRIDAY
I see that too.
SKIP
Semi-corrupted files on the drive describe something called a Plymouth crystal, an experimental and highly unstable object with piezoelectric properties that could turn tap water into an atomic bomb. And one such crystal had come into Sloane's possession.
FRIDAY
Is that right?
SKIP
All records for Sydney Sloane suggest that she was a minimum-wage- earning call-center operator.
FRIDAY
She seems to have been a person-of- interest in an EMF operation involving this crystal -
SKIP
The EMF does not assassinate targets. Ever.
FRIDAY
Zelda's wife is the head of the CIA, Skip. You don't think Zelda's got any blood on her hands -
SKIP
Explain this file, Friday. No dodges. I want the whole story.
FRIDAY
...Skip, do you believe a person can be too dangerous to live?
SKIP
No.
FRIDAY
Mm. Skip I'd hate to lose you -
SKIP
Lose me? What? I'm not going anywhere! Unless...is that a threat, Section Chief?
FRIDAY
It's a concern. You might find yourself...disillusioned.
SKIP
I never quit, Section Chief.
(beat)
Except for the three times I quit or nearly quit, but I'm past that. There is nothing you could say to make me quit the EMF. Or stop asking hard questions.
FRIDAY
Everybody has a breaking point, Skip.
SKIP
Are you going to answer me?
FRIDAY
...okay, then. Lemme tell you a story.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Six years earlier. March, 2020.
INT. EMF HALLWAY - DAY
Friday walks through the EMF. It's just absolute havoc.
PICKLE
Excuse me? I'm supposed to have an interview someone named, uh...
(gets out her papers)
Skip Granger? I've been wandering mazelike hallways for hours looking for the interview room.
FRIDAY
Can't help you, lady.
PICKLE
But WHOOPS.
Pickle falls in an explosion of paperwork. Friday strides to the conference room door and knocks.
FRIDAY
Section Chief! Open up. The password is "Hutchinson".
The door opens.
PRESCOTT
Former Section Chief Friday Saturday! So good to finally meet you! I was just having our newly instated Monday-positivity- awareness-raising session with Assistant Section Chief Anders!
ZELDA
Morning, Friday.
FRIDAY
Zelda.
Friday comes into the office and sits.
PRESCOTT
I should inform you that I'm in the process of depreciating "Hutchinson" as our so-called "grandfather password" in the name of both security and gender parity -
FRIDAY
Listen up, J.J.
PRESCOTT
"Section Chief Prescott", if you would, Former Chief Saturday.
FRIDAY
I wouldn't, and I won't. I hand- picked Zelda to succeed me. The FBI doesn't get to muscle her out.
PRESCOTT (to Zelda)
Assistant Section Chief, did you go over my head?
ZELDA
How could I go over something that enormous, J.J.?
FRIDAY
If you want into this organization, Prescott, submit a resume. We'll respond promptly in seven to three hundred years.
PRESCOTT
Former Section Chief, if I may clear up some confusion? The FBI did not assign me here.
FRIDAY
Who did?
PRESCOTT
I'm afraid that's classified.
FRIDAY
I know all the power players, J.J., and nobody would install you here behind my back. So pack your bags.
ZELDA
The EMF will send you a Christmas card every year at the Bureau, J.J.
Prescott sighs.
PRESCOTT
Well, I didn't want to have to do this. Would the two of you please take a peek at this dossier?
Prescott shows them the packet in question.
ZELDA
That is a dead file, J.J. You could go to prison for opening that.
PRESCOTT
I requested and received permission to have it unsealed for my eyes only. Well...mine and yours, Former Section Chief.
FRIDAY
Why?
PRESCOTT
I was researching Chet Phillips' Gold Star Team - as you know, I've reinstated them -
FRIDAY
I heard.
PRESCOTT
- and amongst some of Phillips' old dossiers, I found this addendum, marked for retirement in full.
ZELDA
So it should have gone into the furnace.
PRESCOTT
By all rights, yes, but due to a technicality fastidiously adhered to by Agent Skip Granger, a copy was made and filed as dead.
ZELDA
Chet Phillips doesn't file addendums. He barely gets in his dossiers on time.
PRESCOTT
No, this was filed by Quinn Corrino, Chet's second-in-command, regarding a target named Sydney Sloane.
(dead silence)
I take it, by your reactions, that you're both familiar with the name?
ZELDA
What would Agent Corrino know about-
FRIDAY
Zelda. Leave.
ZELDA
What?
FRIDAY
I want you out of this room.
ZELDA
Friday -
FRIDAY
Go now.
A hurt silence.
ZELDA
Very well.
She leaves.
PRESCOTT
If you don't mind, ma'am, I'd like to discuss Agent Corrino's story. Just to make sure you and I are on the same page.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Five years earlier. June, 2015.
INT. O'BRIEN POTATOES INC. REGIONAL OFFICES WYOMING - DAY
A security guard MARCHES a prisoner through the offices. He stops at an office and BUZZES an intercom.
SECURITY GUY (to the intercom)
Prisoner coming in.
QUINN (to the intercom)
That's me.
(to Security Guy)
Any idea what to expect in there?
SECURITY GUY
I wouldn't know. This is my first job.
QUINN
Huh. You did good for a security guy. Good wrangling.
SECURITY GUY
Oh, I don't expect to stay in the security gig. I'm just waiting for my career as an influencer to take off.
DING! The door slides open. Security Guy drags Quinn into
INT. KRISTATOS'S OFFICE
KRISTATOS
Ah, Miss Corrino. Lovely to see you again. Your friends have already joined me and been tied to chairs, as you see.
ARCHIE
I was just chatting Kris up about franchise opportunities.
LEX
Like, gag?
KRISTATOS (to Security Guy)
Tie her up as well, and leave us.
SECURITY GUY
Into the chair, you.
(as he ties Quinn up)
Uh, sir, did you watch my Periscope stream by any chance -
KRISTATOS
LEAVE US.
SECURITY GUY
Yessir.
He goes.
KRISTATOS
The three of you have sneaked, wheedled, and computer-hacked your way into my offices. In this great state of Wyoming, I am allowed to shoot you for your trespassing.
LEX
Uh, not after they, like, passed state bill 7.B1?
KRISTATOS
Who is this child again?
QUINN
She's our precocious teen.
KRISTATOS
Mmm. I sympathize, I had one of those.
QUINN
Oh sorry, she's not mine.
LEX
Ew!
ARCHIE
Question?
KRISTATOS
Shoot.
ARCHIE
Why set up a potato company office in Wyoming, with its historically low yield of potato crops?
KRISTATOS
Because in Wyoming...
(draws his knife)
...no one can hear you scream.
(beat)
Because...there's not enough people to hear it.
QUINN
Right.
KRISTATOS
There's like six residents per square mile. Everybody in the state could buy tickets to one rodeo.
LEX
Okay, we get it, you don't have to, like, give us your eighth-grade social studies report?
ARCHIE
I guess that means you think no one's around to watch you build your own nuclear weapon.
KRISTATOS
Oh. You're referring to this Plymouth crystal.
He pops a canister on the table. It HUMS with energy.
LEX
Wow, blue and shiny.
ARCHIE
So you did get your hands on the formula.
KRISTATOS
It cost me dearly.
QUINN
And your scientists actually managed to grow one.
KRISTATOS
This is our first and only synthesized sample. So since we're, as they say, laying our cards on the table - tell me...where is Chet Phillips?
ARCHIE
He's right behind you.
QUINN
Out that window, a half-mile out. He's probably got you in the sights of his rifle right now.
LEX
He stayed home.
ARCHIE AND QUINN
LEX!
LEX
What? No one's gonna shoot, and then he's gonna torture us? No thank you? Pass on all the drama?
QUINN
Okay look, Kristatos. The government knows you're fronting a criminal organization. You're funneling cash, hiding contraband, not paying your taxes -
KRISTATOS
There are no corporate income taxes it's Wyoming!
QUINN
Kill the three of us, and more will come.
ARCHIE
Or don't kill the three of us! Consider the possibilities!
QUINN
Make the smart choice, don't lose everything.
KRISTATOS
I have already lost everything.
QUINN
You...you have a daughter, right? Your precocious teen?
KRISTATOS
She is grown. And gone.
(draws the knife again)
Right. You all die, EMF.
ARCHIE
Okay hold up Kris! I'm not EMF! I'm a paid shill!
LEX
Ew, cringe!
QUINN
What are you doing, Archie?
ARCHIE
Sorry, Quinn, but if it's death or loyalty, you know where I land.
QUINN
You son of a bitch!
ARCHIE
Kris, I'm on board for the O'Brien Shiny Blue Nuclear Arsenal!
KRISTATOS
You bring nothing to the table, Mister Grant, but the art of persuasion. You know nothing of chemistry, crystallography, or -
ARCHIE
I know about Sydney Sloane.
Dead silence.
QUINN
Who the hell is Sydney Sloane?
Kristatos rises from his chair.
KRISTATOS
All right, Mister Grant. You're going to tell me how you know that name -
(draws his knife)
- or I will demonstrate what I know about persuasion.
ARCHIE
No problem! I'll happily spill my guts...uh, wrong idiom...just let my friends go, I'd feel real bad about them dying and all.
KRISTATOS
I am starting to believe this is a distraction.
ARCHIE
A distraction from what?
The POWER GOES DOWN!
KRISTATOS
What is happening?
QUINN
Uhhh what is happening, Archie?
ARCHIE
No idea.
The PA COUGHS to life.
CHET (ON PA)
I've got control of the facility, Kristatos! It's over!
KRISTATOS
WHAT?!?
ARCHIE
Chet?!?
QUINN
What the hell?
CHET (ON PA)
I've infiltrated your security staff, decrypted your servers, and exploded your power station!
ARCHIE
How?
LEX
Did I fall asleep in his briefing? They are, like, super-long.
KRISTATOS
Wait, did YOU people not know about this?
ARCHIE
Chet! What happened to the plan?
CHET (ON PA)
You guys did great! Perfect distraction!
QUINN
DISTRACTION?!?
LEX
Hey Uncle Kris, can you, like, just stab us now?
KRISTATOS
I was going to, but honestly, this is very entertaining.
QUINN
You set us up?!?
KRISTATOS
So cringe.
QUINN
What happened to teamwork?
CHET (ON PA)
This is teamwork! You all made it possible for me to single-handedly take out this facility!
(beat)
Uhhh it's gonna take me a minute to get there can you subdue Kristatos?
LEX
We're, like, tied to chairs?
KRISTATOS
Yes, so...I'm going to go...good luck with the...whatever...
(suddenly evil)
This isn't over, Phillips.
(checking the buttons on the desk)
Okay, which button...intercom, release the hounds, ah! Ejector seat!
He ejects out the roof in a BLAST OF FIRE.
KRISTATOS (ejecting away)
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME...
Chet bursts into the room.
CHET
YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER, KRISTATOS!
QUINN
He's not running.
CHET
YOU CAN EJECT BUT YOU CAN'T you know what he can't hear me.
LEX
He, like, melted his hummy crystal when he ejected?
KRISTATOS (really far way)
Wait, can he hear us or not?
CHET
With that paraglider he'll probably land thirty miles away. Then he'll only have to walk seventy more miles to the next town, and he'll disappear.
Chet starts untying Lex.
CHET
Still, great work, team! Lemme untie you, Lex! Everything went exactly according to plan!
QUINN
WHAT PLAN?
CHET
My plan!
ARCHIE
The plan you didn't tell us.
CHET
Guys! There were moving parts you didn't need to know about! Compartmentalization! This is just how things work!
QUINN
It's not how things used to work!
CHET
Oh, you're just looking back with rose-colored glasses.
QUINN
No! It used to be...remember the Retreat of the Peaceful Swan?
CHET
Sure, like it was yesterday!
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Four years earlier. December, 2011.
EXT. THE RETREAT OF THE PEACEFUL SWAN - DAY
A COMPLETE BATTLE ZONE. Quinn and Chet rake the place with MINIGUNS.
CHET (yelling over gunfire)
Did anyone ever find out why they call this place the Retreat of the Peaceful Swan?
QUINN (also yelling)
The contract killer's blood brother would have told you, if you hadn't thrown him off the Cliff of Skulls into the Valley of Nice Thoughts!
ARCHIE
He told me they were making fun of their retreating enemies when I pumped him for information over drinks.
The comms BUZZ.
LEX (AGED 11)(ON THE RADIO)
Okay, we get it? You don't have to, like, give us your third-grade social studies report?
QUINN
Lex!
CHET
Kid! We're pinned down here by autoguns, we need help!
(a bullet whizzes by)
Shit!
QUINN
Language! She's 11!
LEX (AGED 11) (ON THE RADIO)
What's the model number on those autoguns?
QUINN
I'm checking through my scope -
(bullets whizz by)
I don't see any!
ARCHIE
Blood Brother said they filed off the ID numbers.
CHET
Fudge!
ARCHIE
But three drinks in he admitted there was a stubborn one on the bottom of each.
CHET
Fudge yeah! Quinn, keep your scope trained on the bottom of the gun on the left! I'm gonna shoot to rock it back a little!
QUINN
Got it.
CHET
Distance?
QUINN
One seventy five.
CHET
Archie throw your watch!
ARCHIE
That's my dad's!
CHET
I know for a fact you bought it yesterday!
ARCHIE
Oh fine. Target this!
Archie THROWS the WATCH in the air! The GUNS BLOW IT TO PIECES!
CHET
Taking the shot!
Chet SHOOTS the gun!
ARCHIE
You knocked it over!
QUINN
Serial number HXT-1832!
The guns POWER DOWN and the BULLET RAIN ENDS!
LEX (AGED 11)(ON THE RADIO)
And that's why anything with "auto" in the name sucks?
ALL
(Cheer)
CHET
Yes! You did it, Lex!
QUINN
Nice work, kid!
CHET
Okay, team! Let's rendezvous at the Comfy Cozy Inn and steal that cache of Lazy-Boy brand biochemical gas!
ARCHIE
That company really should should have stuck to making chairs.
QUINN
I think this team is gonna work out after all.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
CHET
Good times...so what does that have to do with anything?
QUINN
THAT was teamwork. This is...we're set dressing for your operation.
CHET
Oh, you're taking this too much to heart.
(finishes untying Lex)
C'mon Lex I need you to download everything off his office servers before they burn em.
LEX
Whatever.
ARCHIE
Wait, we're still tied up!
CHET
Back in a shake of a lamb's tail!
QUINN
CHET!
Chet and Lex run off.
QUINN (sighs)
Gimme ten minutes I'll work through these ropes.
ARCHIE
I got nothing better to do.
QUINN
Who's Sydney Sloane?
ARCHIE
Hey, look, you know that was an act, right -
QUINN
I knew you weren't throwing us under the bus. But you got Kristatos's attention with that name.
ARCHIE
Hey, I didn't know Chet was coming, I had to say something -
QUINN
Yeah. Good work. Now who is she?
ARCHIE
I could tell you, but...
QUINN
You'd have to kill me? Which you couldn't?
ARCHIE
No, it's...you sound pretty raw from what just happened, and...if I tell you...you might be done.
QUINN
Done with what?
ARCHIE
With this whole life.
QUINN
Archie. Right now, what I'm done with is quote-unquote "friends" withholding vital information.
ARCHIE (sighs)
Sooooo...I'm pretty sure I know who sold Kristatos the formula for the Plymouth crystal. And I wasn't ever supposed to talk about it but our lives were on the line.
QUINN
So talk about it. Now.
ARCHIE
Once upon a time in Mexico, it was. First time Chet and I ever met.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Eleven years earlier. September, 2004.
EXT. BAHIA DE BANDERAS - HOTEL - DAY
Archie leads THREE BUSINESSPEOPLE through glass doors onto an outstretched hotel balcony.
ARCHIE
Bienvenidos, damas y caballeros! Welcome to our hotel grande in beautiful Puerto Vallarta!
DON FERNANDO
Your español is very good, Mister Grant.
ARCHIE
Just throwing in a little local color for you, there, Don Fernando! I love your country!
ESCORT
Gosh! What a view!
ARCHIE
Drink it in! From our balcony we have a clear view of the Malecón esplanade, the historic Church of Our Lady Guadeloupe, and...the strip mall. Well, even in Jalisco, sometimes you need five Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
DON FERNANDO
Is that a crack at my weight?
ARCHIE
Never, Don Fernando!
DON FERNANDO
They have a movie theatre?
ARCHIE
What for?
DON FERNANDO
I wanna see that Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. They can bring Laurence Olivier back from the dead with computers now!
ARCHIE
That's a fad, it'll pass.
ESCORT
This view is gorgeous!
ARCHIE (suggestive)
I dunno, I've seen more gorgeous things...
Don Fernando's escort TITTERS.
DON FERNANDO
Enough nicey-nice, Grant. I am ready to do business with your boss...La Corredora.
ESCORT
The Broker! Right? My Spanish is rusty.
ARCHIE
Of course! Right through here!
He opens a door.
DON FERNANDO
You're not armed, are you, Grant?
ARCHIE
My words are my weapons, señor!
DON FERNANDO
Then you wouldn't mind if my man here were to search you?
ARCHIE
Not at all!
DON FERNANDO
Take care of it, Chet.
CHET
Will do, boss.
ESCORT
See ya inside!
Don Fernando and his escort walk inside. Chet starts searching Archie. Speaking low:
CHET
Is she here?
ARCHIE
Wouldn't you like to know.
CHET
Aw, Archie, I thought we were friends.
ARCHIE
I just met you, mate. I still don't know why you're betraying your employer.
CHET
Betraying? You and I are going to matchmake our bosses, and then take a little cut for ourselves. I just left out some details. What more could you ask for?
ARCHIE
His girl's phone number.
CHET
Forget her. How about I hook you up with supermodel Cardamom Brandy?
ARCHIE
Stuff and nonsense.
CHET
Look, here's a video of her and me on my flip phone.
CARDAMOM (ON THE PHONE)
Hello hello!
CHET
I'll get you a date.
ARCHIE
What? Who are you, man?
CHET
Your new best friend.
DON FERNANDO
Chet!
CHET
Coming, sir.
(low)
Just keep cool.
ARCHIE
As a cucumber.
They head inside and join the others.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ARCHIE
So, Don Fernando! It is well known that you produce the finest... white powder derivatives...imported into the cities of America.
CHET
Over a billion dollars of hard rock, sold on the streets every year.
DON FERNANDO
I have revolutionized crystallization techniques! They should make a movie about my life, no?
ESCORT
Oooh, or maybe a TV show!
DON FERNANDO
A TV show?
ESCORT
Like the Sopranos! Or the Wire! They make real good TV shows now.
DON FERNANDO
That's a fad, it'll pass.
ARCHIE
My employer was hoping to see some of your revolutionary techniques?
DON FERNANDO
Chet. Show the man.
CHET (opening a briefcase)
Yessir.
Chet sets up a small glass box.
ARCHIE
Huh. Looks like a flatscreen fish tank.
DON FERNANDO
Demonstrate, mi querida.
ESCORT
You just pour a little coke in, turn this knob for the electricity...and...
A small HUM, and appreciative gasps.
DON FERNANDO
The crystals form instantly!
ARCHIE
That's pretty incredible.
DON FERNANDO
Sample for yourself, Mister Grant. The finest rock candy on earth! Twenty delicious flavors!
ARCHIE
My god, the quality! Made with Coca- Cola, no less!
DON FERNANDO
Now. I understand La Corredora needs a production line.
ARCHIE
Absolutely. For a very special candy crystal.
DON FERNANDO
Then have your employer bring it to me. I don't do business with anyone I haven't met in person.
ARCHIE
...boss?
The door OPENS, and out walks...
ESCORT (gasp)
My gosh!
ARCHIE
Don Fernando Castillo, may I present, La Corredora.
CORREDORA
Es un placer conocerle, Don Fernando.
DON FERNANDO
Uh. Sure.
CHET
I think Don Fernando would like to see this crystal you'd like to mass- produce, señora.
DON FERNANDO
That's right!
CORREDORA
De acuerdo.
She places on the table the HUMMING PLYMOUTH CRYSTAL.
ESCORT (whispery)
It's gorgeous! So blue! Cerulean. There's only one of them?
CORREDORA
No puedo oir en esa oreja.
ESCORT
Whoa. What did she say?
CHET
She said she's deaf in that ear so you're gonna have to speak up.
ESCORT
Oh. IS THERE ONLY ONE OF THEM?
DON FERNANDO
Relax, querida.
ARCHIE
It's called a Plymouth crystal. There'll be lots more once we seal this deal, my friends!
DON FERNANDO
I'll need the...the chemical process for making this...
ARCHIE
The boss is the only person on earth who knows the formula. It took years just to make this little beauty. We just need a few factories and some manpower, and you'll never need to worry about us.
CHET
Yeah...unfortunately, you'll have some worries of your own.
ARCHIE
What?
CORREDORA
Perdon?
CHET
Oh drop the act, La Corredora. Your Spanish es bueno but your accent screams St. Louis. So let's all stop pretending. Agreed, Agent Anastasia?
The escort DROPS HER FUNNY VOICE.
ANASTASIA (THE ESCORT)
Works for me...Chet.
CORREDORA
...ay screw it.
She THROWS THE HUMMING CRYSTAL!
ANASTASIA
Chet, look out!
A SHATTERING SOUND.
CORREDORA
Dammit! Why don't these experimental materials ever explode when you need them to? Oh well -
CLICK.
ANASTASIA
Gun!
ARCHIE
Boss, wait -
DON FERNANDO
Chet!
BLAM!
ANASTASIA
Oh my god she shot...Don Fernando!
CORREDORA
Aw you fat sack of OOF!
Chet DECKS HER! She drops to the floor, and Chet pounces!
CHET
Bring more bullets next time, if you wanna take me down!
CORREDORA
There's five more where that came from, you...OUCH!
CHET
Anastasia, toss me that rope!
ANASTASIA
He's shot!
CHET
The rope, Ana!
ANASTASIA
Here!
CHET
Sit in the chair, Corrie, and get comfortable.
He forces her into a chair, and ties her up!
ARCHIE
What...Phillips, did your boss just take a bullet...for you?
BOWDEN (DON FERNANDO)
You owe me big time, Phillips.
ARCHIE
What...you're not the don!
ANASTASIA
Bowden, how did you survive that bullet?
BOWDEN
This body suit is mostly made of porridge and Teflon. I knew instinctively it'd stop a bullet. Ha! And Ismail down in costumes said I shouldn't play the don!
ANASTASIA
Why not?
BOWDEN
Because I'm white! Who ever heard of such a thing? No one in LA, I'll tell you!
CORREDORA
I thought they were getting more sensitive to that kind of thing.
BOWDEN
That's a fad, it'll pass.
CHET
All right, simmer down, Dana Carvey.
BOWDEN
DANA CARVEY?!?
ARCHIE
Who the hell are you people?
ANASTASIA
We're the ones taking you in.
ARCHIE
Me? I'm a contractor, she's all yours.
CORREDORA
Traitor!
ARCHIE
That's business, lady.
BOWDEN
Business with a known criminal?
ARCHIE
I didn't know.
CHET
Okay, zip your lip, Fernando.
BOWDEN
I don't take abuse from anyone whose name isn't David O. Russell! Certainly not from a man whose life I just saved!
CHET
You didn't save my life.
BOWDEN
WHAT?!?
CHET
I was totally in control.
ANASTASIA
Chet.
BOWDEN
I GOT SHOT FOR YOU!
CHET
You're fine! I knew it all along.
BOWDEN
I am so tired of your crap, Phillips! You have seven purple hearts! By the rules of SAG I should lay claim to at least two of them!
CHET
Stop chasing the credit, kid! This ain't Hollywood!
BOWDEN
That's right. So I'm gonna say something to you that I've never said to anyone in my life: don't call me back.
ANASTASIA
Bowden!
He storms off.
ARCHIE
So...are you people looking for a new face man, by any chance?
CHET
Looks like it. You interested?
ANASTASIA
Chet!
CHET
What? Montcrief's been getting more narcissistic every mission. Good riddance.
ANASTASIA
He just saved your life, you ass!
CHET
Archie, you want the job or not?
ARCHIE
Do you really know Cardamom Brandy?
CHET
Sure. Work with her all the time.
ARCHIE
You're gonna set me up on a date?
CHET
She's engaged.
ARCHIE
So what's the problem?
ANASTASIA
Chet, are you serious? This guy's not vetted -
CHET
He played better with me for the past week than that D-list actor ever did. I'm gonna call the chief and tell her to extract us. Anastasia, you give Grant the intro speech and then bring these two back to the safehouse.
ANASTASIA
What intro speech?
SLAM.
CORREDORA
Well, Archie. It seems like an interesting organization you're throwing your lot in with.
ANASTASIA
Let's step outside, Grant.
ARCHIE
What about her?
ANASTASIA
Drag her.
She starts walking. As Archie drags his former employer:
CORREDORA (low)
I'll give you ten million if you cut me loose.
ARCHIE
I dunno, I kind of like the idea of joining the good guys for once.
CORREDORA
You think they're the good guys? Oh, you poor, sweet boy.
(whispers)
There's a video tape in the false bottom of my closet back home.
ARCHIE (whispers)
So?
CORREDORA (whispers)
So play it and you'll see who you're signing up with.
ANASTASIA
No more talking. Step away from her.
They're outside on the balcony. A slight pause.
ANASTASIA
If you're joining the team, padawan, then people need to trust you with their lives.
ARCHIE
Hey, Agent Anastasia, I'm gonna marry supermodel Cardamom Brandy! I'm part of the family!
ANASTASIA
I'm gonna tell you a story now. About my friend Zelda. You'll be working for her. And I want you to understand what happens if you screw her over.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Five years earlier. January 29, 1999.
INT. FRIDAY SATURDAY'S HOUSE
Young Anastasia nervously rings the doorbell.
ANASTASIA
Don't be weird don't be weird. It's just the chief's house.
The door opens.
SCRAPS
Hiya! You must be Anastasia!
ANASTASIA
Oh hi, um, Mister Turkleson?
SCRAPS
Call me Scraps.
ANASTASIA
Thank you! And um,
(low)
Can you call me Susie? We're not supposed to use our real names out in the neighborhood.
SCRAPS
Oh, spy stuff, huh? Gotcha, Susie. C'mon in, I'll mix you a Manhattan. Friday! We got another one of your kids at the door!
He goes. Anastasia stumbles into Zelda.
ANASTASIA
Oh! Agent Anders!
ZELDA (dark)
Hey kid.
PAT (muted)
Hi Ana!
ANASTASIA
Hi Ms. Rose! Um. Is everything all right?
PAT
Sure!
FRIDAY
Pat!
PAT
Yes Friday?
FRIDAY
Help out in the kitchen?
PAT
Coming!
(to Zelda)
You okay, hun?
ZELDA (dead inside)
Great.
PAT
Okay.
(kisses her)
Be right back.
She goes. An awkward silence.
ANASTASIA
I passed my final agency test today, Agent Anders! Thank you for all your help!
ZELDA
Congrats. Knew you could do it.
ANASTASIA
I'm so excited to finally go out in the field with you and Agent Sloane!
Zelda take a big swallow of whiskey.
ZELDA
Well. That's not gonna happen.
ANASTASIA
I...did I do something wrong, ma'am?
ZELDA
You're fine, kid.
ANASTASIA
I -
ZELDA
Sydney's gone.
ANASTASIA
She's...what?
ZELDA
She didn't come back from our mission.
ANASTASIA
What? Is she...dead?
ZELDA
She's gone.
ANASTASIA
But...does that mean -
ZELDA
It means she never existed. It means we don't talk about her ever again.
ANASTASIA
I'm sorry!
ZELDA
Don't be sorry.
ANASTASIA
I'm sorry!
ZELDA (kinder)
Kid. It happens.
ANASTASIA
Has...it happened to you before? Have you seen someone disavowed?
ZELDA
...no.
(beat)
She was a real friend. She was my mentor at the EMF. She was going to be the next Section Chief when Friday retired.
ANASTASIA
Maybe...I mean, if she's not...dead...maybe we can make a case to the Section Chief -
ZELDA (severe)
No.
ANASTASIA
But -
ZELDA
She's never to be spoken of again, do you understand?
ANASTASIA
I...no I don't! How can you...she was your friend, how can you just...say she's dead and never talk about it again?
Zelda drains her glass.
ZELDA
I will tell you why. I will tell you once. And then we're never going to speak about it again. Because you're an agent now, and you have to learn.
ANASTASIA
Okay.
TRANSITION TONES
MISSION VOICE
Forty-six hours earlier. January 7, 1999.
INT. LIGHTHOUSE - DUSK
The sea rages outside the lighthouse. DR. PLYMOUTH scribbles away at his wooden desk, exhausted and jumpy.
PLYMOUTH
Trial four hundred and six...
(he cranks a knob)
Airborne salinity at 21 micrograms per cubic meter...electron stream at two point three joules...what!
Plymouth's experimental crystal HUMS with power. He SNAPS off the machine's power - and the crystal still HUMS.
PLYMOUTH
Resonance. Oh my god it's resonating! I did it! IT WORKS!
A HEAVY KNOCK ON THE DOOR. Plymouth JUMPS NERVOUSLY.
PLYMOUTH
Who's that?
(another HEAVY KNOCK)
Who's out there?
PARROT (OUTSIDE)
Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!
Plymouth snips on a radio.
PLYMOUTH
Jefferson! Jefferson come in!
JEFFERSON (ON THE RADIO)
Yo.
PLYMOUTH
You're supposed to alert me immediately to any intruders!
JEFFERSON (ON THE RADIO)
I was busy using the boat's DVD player to watch the trailer for Austin Powers 2! It's gonna be hot!
More HEAVY KNOCKING.
PARROT (OUTSIDE)
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!
PLYMOUTH
Dammit!
Plymouth covers the experiment with a heavy cloth, DAMPENING the HUM.
PLYMOUTH
I...I'm coming! One moment!
He rushes to the door and opens it -
ZELDA
YAAR!
PLYMOUTH
AAAH!
ZELDA
Ahoy there, Doctor Plymouth!
PARROT
Ahoy!
PLYMOUTH
Are you...a...pirate?
ZELDA
Aye!
PLYMOUTH
You are?
ZELDA
I am an employee of J. Pirate's Weatherproofing Service of Savannah! We're here to service your lighthouse!
PLYMOUTH
What...I...I didn't order any weatherproofing service!
ZELDA
Are ye the owner of this fine lighthouse, Doctor?
PLYMOUTH
No! It's...a friend's.
ZELDA
Argh, I see. Well yer friend's lighthouse is in grave danger of salinization and paint chipping! J. Pirate's Weatherproofing is here to right your ship!
KNOCK KNOCK.
ZELDA
What, uh...have ye have another door?
PLYMOUTH
Yes...that's the back door.
ZELDA
The lighthouse has a backdoor?
PLYMOUTH
Is that unusual for a lighthouse?
ZELDA
Aye...don't know.
The back door BURSTS OPEN!
SYDNEY
AVAST YE, PLYMOUTH!
COCKATOO
Shiver me timbers!
PLYMOUTH
Wh -
SYDNEY
I shall land upon thee like the rock of thy namesake!
PLYMOUTH
Are you also a pirate weatherproofing service?
COCKATOO
Aye aye!
SYDNEY
Not only weatherproofing, but we clean thy chimney, swab thy mizzenmast, and runnel thy rudder!
COCKATOO
All the way up!
PLYMOUTH
Are all service technicians in Savannah issued their own birds?
ZELDA
Sink me! Be that the flag and bird of Widdershins Chimney and Stucco?
SYDNEY
J. Pirate! Take yer mangy form from out this facility!
PLYMOUTH
Ladies, there's no need to argue -
PARROT
KILL!
SYDNEY
Draw thy cutlass, ye bilge rat!
They both DRAW SWORDS, to Plymouth's audible terror.
ZELDA
I'll keelhaul ye into a thousand scraps!
SYDNEY
Ye'll be swimmin' with the bottlenose dolphins of the Georgia coast this very eve!
They KNOCK INTO the desk, spilling the COVERING CLOTH. The crystal HUMS LOUDLY.
PLYMOUTH
NO NO NO MY EXPERIMENTS!
Sydney snatches up a NOTEBOOK.
SYDNEY
What be this now?
ZELDA
Looks like a shining sapphire in a fish tank!
SYDNEY
And what have we here? A map of the elements?
PLYMOUTH
DON'T TOUCH MY NOTEBOOK!
SYDNEY
Tis but a hundred pages of scurrilous designs and chemical formulae!
COCKATOO
The devil's book!
PLYMOUTH
Give it to me!
ZELDA
Leave the landlubber be with his mystical gemstone, Widdershin!
SYDNEY
He cares more for atomic elements than the elements currently assailing the lacquer of his lighthouse!
PLYMOUTH
It's not my lighthouse and please stop looking through my notebook!
ZELDA
He'll get more protection with the low-VOC stain I provide!
SYDNEY
Ah sure, that new low-VOC paint is a scam!
ZELDA
I'll run ye through!
SYDNEY
Ye'll taste my rapier!
They women SWORDFIGHT! The birds SHRIEK NONSENSE! They KNOCK OVER THE EXPERIMENT!
PLYMOUTH
NO! MY INSTRUMENTS!
He CATCHES THE CRYSTAL!
SYDNEY
Sure now, yer fancy fishbowl treasure is safe in your hands!
PLYMOUTH
The crystal's not resonating anymore! And my instruments are ruined! I'll sue your businesses for property damage!
ZELDA
Ah, will ye? Dead men bring no suits!
They CHARGE HIM! He snatches up his notebook and the CRYSTAL and RUNS OUT THE DOOR IN TERROR!
They watch him go, quietly.
ZELDA (real voice)
You think he'll try to sue?
SYDNEY (real voice)
I have a feeling he won't.
Zelda takes out a walkie talkie and SNAPS it on.
ZELDA
Jefferson, come in?
JEFFERSON
Here, sweet lips!
ZELDA (growls)
The crystal is neutralized. Target is headed your way. Take him to the mainland, catch and release.
JEFFERSON
Ask me nicely.
ZELDA (gritted teeth)
Jefferson.
JEFFERSON
C'mon, Agent Anders! I just spent three weeks underground posing as this nerd's valet!
ZELDA
You'll spend more time underground if you don't do as you're ordered.
JEFFERSON
Lesbians. No sense of humor. Here he comes, I'll smell you later.
Static out.
ZELDA
Can our next operation involve Jefferson walking into a minefield?
SYDNEY
Lighten up, young Jedi. He's an older generation.
ZELDA
So look the other way?
SYDNEY
Didn't I teach you? It's part of the job, kid.
(beat)
Fine, we'll find another face man.
ZELDA
Thank you.
SYDNEY
Maybe you should be the face man! You did a pretty good pirate!
ZELDA
Arrrghh, matey!
The agents laugh together.
ZELDA
This job is so much fun it shouldn't be legal.
Zelda beeps on the radio again.
SYDNEY
I mean, technically it isn't legal. But you're right. We're living our best lives, young Jedi.
ZELDA
Pat?
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
I hear you, "young Jedi"!
ZELDA
There should be a word for "young Jedi in training".
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
Maybe they'll make one up for the new Star Wars prequel.
ZELDA
Can't wait for that, it's gonna be amazing!
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
I know, right?
ZELDA
Jefferson's got the package. And you can tell your guys at the CIA these robot parrots worked wonders.
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
Aw. They're just reskinned Furbies that the brass ordered us to get rid of.
PARROT
Noo-lah!
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
Did they record what you needed?
SYDNEY
We'll see. I aimed it at the notebook and flipped through, so if it's recording then we've got the formula.
ZELDA
You can head home, sweetie. I'll see you back at Friday's house tomorrow.
PAT (ON THE RADIO)
Ten four!
STATIC.
SYDNEY
I really hope this stupid bird recorded his notes. Otherwise it was just a useless blather machine.
ZELDA
Oh, I don't know. Open up, Polly.
The parrot SQUAKS mechanically. Zelda pulls the HUMMING PLYMOUTH CRYSTAL out of its mouth.
SYDNEY
What - is that Plymouth's crystal? How did you get that?
ZELDA
Slipped it into the parrot's mouth when you were distracting Plymouth.
SYDNEY
He was holding it when he ran!
ZELDA
I swapped it with a Ring Pop. Nice sleight-of-hand, right?
SYDNEY
That wasn't your job, Agent!
ZELDA
Jeez, lighten up, Sydney! Since when are you the tight-ass -
SYDNEY
That thing is unstable, we were just supposed to record his notes!
ZELDA
I saw my chance and took it. Now the EMF doesn't have to build a crystal from scratch.
SYDNEY
Give it to me -
ZELDA
What's your problem -
A SHATTERING SOUND.
ZELDA
Sydney! Goddammit! It's broken!
SYDNEY
Then you're lucky it wasn't as explosive as they thought! Now LET'S GO!
ZELDA
What is wrong with you -
Outside, in the distance, a TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION.
ZELDA
Holy shit. What was that?
SYDNEY
We gotta go, now.
ZELDA
Was that -
SYDNEY
That's an order, Agent...
Zelda opens the door and GASPS.
ZELDA
It's the boat. It's on fire, we have to get out there -
Another DISTANT EXPLOSION. Zelda stands agog.
Sydney starts packing up.
SYDNEY
Let's get back to the safehouse.
ZELDA
The safehouse? We have to investigate! Jefferson and the target just exploded!
SYDNEY
Jefferson will be disavowed, and the EMF will send a cleanup crew. It's not our problem. Let's go.
She opens the back door. Zelda doesn't move.
ZELDA
What is this?
SYDNEY
I'm the lead agent, I -
CLICK. Zelda pulls her gun.
SYDNEY
Well hey now. It's a major infraction, Zelda, to pull a gun on your superior.
ZELDA (low, dangerous)
Your plan was to let Dr. Plymouth and Jefferson run to the boat with the unstable crystal. I questioned it, but accepted it. But if I hadn't swiped it, it would have made a really convincing explanation as to why that boat just exploded.
SYDNEY
What are you insinuating?
ZELDA
I have noticed things, Sydney. More of our marks are dying in accidents. More of our recovered technology has gone missing.
SYDNEY
Well...you haven't mentioned anything to Friday, have you?
ZELDA
I didn't ask questions. Because you taught me not to. You said this is how the machine works, and we just have to survive it. But you're not the first friend I've had who stuck their hands in the government's cookie jar.
SYDNEY
It sounds like you've got some real trust issues, Zelda.
ZELDA
Did you plant a bomb on that boat? Did you just murder our target? Did you murder Jefferson?
SYDNEY
Oh Jesus, Jefferson, like you care.
ZELDA
WHAT?!?
SYDNEY
The guy was a sex-pest and a criminal. You said yourself you wish he'd die in a minefield!
ZELDA
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WISHING SOMEONE DEAD AND MAKING THEM DEAD.
Silence.
SYDNEY
What if I told you...I had the resources for you and me to start something new?
ZELDA
Jesus, Syd.
SYDNEY
Doing this stuff should be fun Zelda. And it can be. It can be a lot of fun.
ZELDA
It looks like you're having too much.
SYDNEY
We could have fun together. Make the world a better place without all these rules. At heart, you're like me. You don't belong at the EMF. You don't even belong with your CIA girlfriend. You're too much of a rule-breaker.
ZELDA
I am not a killer.
SYDNEY
Young Jedi. I've seen you kill plenty of people. I taught you how.
ZELDA
I - in combat! In self-defense!
SYDNEY
You're sticking a gun in my face. I can see how much you want to pull the trigger. Let's point that gun at the people who truly deserve it.
ZELDA
...no. You're going to prison.
Sydney laughs uproariously.
SYDNEY
OK, Zelda...clearly I didn't teach you about this life well enough. People like us don't go to prison.
ZELDA
We are not above the law, Sydney.
SYDNEY
We're not above the law, we're outside the law. We don't get trials by jury. If you bring me in, I'll sit in jail for less that sixteen hours before I have an "accident".
ZELDA
Friday wouldn't -
SYDNEY
Who said anything about Friday? The whole intelligence community is the company, Zelda. And I've made a lot of people mad.
ZELDA
Then why wouldn't they just leave you to rot in prison?
SYDNEY
Because they know some people are too dangerous to let live.
(beat)
Look in my eyes and tell me I'm lying.
ZELDA
...you're not lying.
SYDNEY
You believe they'll kill me in jail?
ZELDA
Yes.
SYDNEY
So...will you let it go?
ZELDA
No.
SYDNEY
Please, Zelda! You can't send me to jail! I won't survive -
ZELDA
You're not going to jail.
BLAM. Zelda FIRES. The PARROT EXPLODES.
SYDNEY
AAAAH! Jesus, Zelda, you blew out my eardrum!
ZELDA
That parrot was recording everything we said.
SYDNEY
Yeah, including the only record of that chemical formula!
ZELDA
Sydney. Shut up.
(beat)
You were blown up with Jefferson and Dr. Plymouth on that boat. The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your existence. You have been erased. But you get to live.
SYDNEY
What is this, a favor?
ZELDA
Consider it a mitzvah. Sydney Sloane is dead. Go be someone else. Open a bakery, or a bowling alley in Ireland. Don't stir up trouble. And do not ever make me regret this decision.
SYDNEY
...you're a good person, Zelda. Better than me. Don't let it get you killed.
ZELDA
Goodbye, Sydney.
Sydney runs. Zelda takes the parrot off her shoulder and places it on the floor.
PARROT
Ahoy matey! Wee-tah-kah-loo-loo! Recording in progress -
KABLAM! Zelda BLOWS THE PARROT TO PIECES.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Back in Friday's house:
ANASTASIA
Why are you telling me this?
ZELDA
You asked.
ANASTASIA
But you weren't supposed to tell me this, right?
ZELDA
Listen, Ana. Sydney never existed. They're going to fabricate documents and an entire civilian life and erase Agent Sloane from all records.
ANASTASIA
I get that, that was part of my training -
ZELDA
And the unofficial record - the dead file - will say that I killed her.
ANASTASIA
...oh.
ZELDA
And I need you to know the truth. Because if Sydney doesn't disappear like I advised her, you might run up against her some day. And in that moment, you'll have to decide whether I made the right choice. And you'll have to make your own. Do you understand now?
ANASTASIA
Yes.
ZELDA
...no you don't, kid. I hope you never do.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Back in Puerto Vallarta:
ARCHIE
Why are you telling me this?
ANASTASIA (laughs)
He doesn't know.
CORREDORA (laughing too)
He's young and stupid.
ARCHIE
Sorry, ladies, I guess I'm not in on the joke. I don't know what this Sydney Sloane had to do with anything.
ANASTASIA
I'm telling you, Archie, because your boss here...is Sydney Sloane.
ARCHIE
WHAT?
SYDNEY (LA CORREDORA)
It's nice to see you all grown up, Ana. I didn't think you'd ever recognize me with the plastic surgery.
ANASTASIA
I could tell you knew when I said "padawan". And I'll bet the hearing loss on your left side is from Zelda's pistol shot.
SYDNEY
I guess she regrets not aiming better.
ANASTASIA
She doesn't know. I suspected but never told her.
SYDNEY
Well, we all make mistakes.
ANASTASIA
That's true.
(to Archie)
You needed to see this, Archie, since you're signing up. Because you seem like a fun-loving character, just like Sydney here was. But this life isn't fun-and- games. And if you ever commit another crime, this is how it will end for you. Because some people are too dangerous to let live.
Anastasia KICKS SYDNEY OFF THE BALCONY!
ARCHIE
HOLY SH -
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Back in Wyoming:
ARCHIE
And she threw her off the fourteenth story balcony to the pavement. She told the rest of the team that Sydney tried to get away and slipped. And I was never supposed to tell anyone.
QUINN
...so why are you telling me this? You could have lied to me.
ARCHIE
I guess...I owed you the truth.
QUINN
Did you ever find that tape in her desk?
ARCHIE
Yeah...Sydney managed to salvage the recording from the parrot Zelda shot.
QUINN
You have the recording of Zelda shooting Sloane?
ARCHIE
It's damaged, but...yeah. That's how she pieced the Plymouth crystal formula back together. I guessed that she sold it to Kristatos before that day in Puerto Vallarta, and I hoped it would buy us time if I dropped her name.
QUINN
...Anastasia conned you.
ARCHIE
...what?
QUINN
You're not a company man, Archie. There's a code people like Ana and I don't break. We don't commit murder...without a direct order.
ARCHIE
...you mean -
QUINN
Anastasia didn't just "figure out" Sloane was La Corredora in front of you. It was an act. Zelda knew. Zelda ordered the hit. Because she regretted not doing it herself.
ARCHIE
You can't know that.
QUINN
...you're gonna give me that tape, Archie.
ARCHIE
You're not serious. Who are you gonna go to? Zelda?
QUINN
I'll go over her head.
ARCHIE
There's no one over Zelda's head!
QUINN
Yes. There is.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Back in Prescott's office:
FRIDAY
And why are you telling me all this?
PRESCOTT
Because I believe Quinn Corrino transferred Mister Grant's video evidence to this thumb drive, and went over Zelda's head...to you, Former Section Chief Friday. And you ordered the video and her report destroyed. And if Skip Granger hadn't followed protocol, it would never have come to light. Am I wrong on any point?
FRIDAY
...what do you want, J.J.?
PRESCOTT
Simply to keep the status quo. If the Secretary ever suspected that Zelda might have ordered something...untoward...even you couldn't protect her. I merely want...peace.
FRIDAY
...give me the file.
PRESCOTT
Very well. I'll have the thumb drive re-sealed.
Friday takes the papers. She gets up and walks to the door.
FRIDAY
Zelda! Get in here!
Zelda comes in.
ZELDA
Yes ma'am?
FRIDAY
Prescott's your new boss.
ZELDA
But -
FRIDAY
That's life. Deal with it, young Jedi.
(to Prescott)
I hope you're clean, Prescott.
PRESCOTT
As a whistle, Former Section Chief! Wonderful chat!
FRIDAY
Sorry, Zelda.
Friday CLOSES THE DOOR.
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
Back in Friday's house:
FRIDAY
Now Skip...do you understand why I told you all this?
SKIP
I understand that this is a report of a story of a memory, several levels deep. Its only record was a file that J.J. Prescott gave you, which likely ended up in your fireplace. How can I trust it?
FRIDAY
Life is about deciding what information to trust in an untrustworthy world.
SKIP
So many of the relevant parties - Sydney, Anastasia, Prescott - are dead. I could never confirm any of this.
FRIDAY
Then you'll just have to decide for yourself.
SKIP
Maybe Anastasia was ordered to kill Agent Sloane. And maybe it wasn't Zelda.
FRIDAY
She was the Section Chief.
SKIP
Maybe you gave that order, Ms. Saturday.
FRIDAY
Me? Why?
SKIP
To erase the fact that Zelda let a disavowed killer loose in the world. To cover it up so even Zelda wouldn't have to face her mistake.
(long silence)
It's just a theory.
FRIDAY
...now do you believe there are people too dangerous to let live?
SKIP (more hesitant)
No.
FRIDAY
Do you believe no chemical or device is too dangerous to exist? Do you believe no government agency is too dangerous to exist?
Skip doesn't answer.
FRIDAY
You're a good man, Agent Granger. So are your friends. You're the good guys. The EMF needs good people like you. But the EMF has a lot of bodies buried in the backyard. A lot more than Agent Sydney. And you're only here today because someone who came before you picked up the shovel.
SKIP
...I'll see you around, Section Chief Friday.
FRIDAY
Come over for meatballs sometime, Skip.
Skip goes. He sighs. He gets in his car. He sits there for a minute. He plays the video.
SYDNEY (ON TAPE)
- can't send me to jail! I won't survive -
ZELDA (ON TAPE)
You're not going to jail.
Suddenly we get another:
BACK-TO-PRESENT NOISE
MISSION VOICE
Seven hours later.
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
The bleeps-and-bloops of the conference room. The door opens.
ZELDA
Oh! Agent Granger. Still here, huh?
SKIP
Hello, Section Chief. Can I talk to you for a minute? Close the door.
ZELDA
...sure.
(comes in and sits)
What's on your mind?
He drops the thumb drive on the table.
SKIP
I found footage of you and Sydney Sloane in Savannah, Georgia.
A sharp INTAKE of BREATH from Zelda.
ZELDA
Skip...that's not...what it looks like -
SKIP
I know. I know what happened.
ZELDA
I -
SKIP
And I wanted you to know that no one will ever hold this over your head again.
He SMASHES the drive. Zelda takes a SHAKY BREATH.
ZELDA
Skip, I -
SKIP
I love you Zelda. I want you to know that I believe you did the right thing letting Sydney live.
A moment of silence.
ZELDA
It's funny...sometimes I wonder...whatever happened to her. I guess I'll never know.
Another, more difficult silence.
SKIP
Well...I hope she made it.
ZELDA
Thank you, Skip.
MUSIC: END CREDITS!
MISSION VOICE
(Reads Credits)
INT. ATHENACORP - NIGHT
It's very quiet. Maybe, behind a door, there's the sound of a little girl singing in a strange language. Is it...Athena?
ATHENA (childlike)
No! No I don't want to! Come back!
(adult)
LEAVE! GO BACK IN THE VOLCANO! I'M GLAD HE DROPPED YOU!
(child)
Mommy? Mommy?
(adult)
one potato two potato three potato four
The door to Room 1729 opens, and Athena staggers out.
ATHENA (in a stupor)
five potato six potato seven potato more
CHET
Athena?
ATHENA
eight potato nine potato ten potato floor
CHET
Can you hear me?
The elevator DINGS.
ATHENA
eleven potato twelve potato thirteen potato four...teen potato fifteen potato
The elevator door shuts. Chet shudders.
CHET
Okay, time to meet the ghosts of room 1729. Could be a portal to hell, or the company mausoleum...
He JAMS open the door to
INT. ROOM 1729
It's eerily quiet.
CHET
...or...just an office.
Chet enters room 1729, very carefully. He coughs a little.
CHET
Man, she should have let me in here to clean, the dust is really piling up.
He clicks on a flashlight.
CHET
What do we have here...oh that's...family pictures...family albums...that's a little sad...nice desk with a nameplate...oh my god. "Kristatos O'Brien."
(beat)
Okay, this is Kristatos's office and she hasn't changed it since he died. Maybe unhealthy but definitely understandable - who's there?
There's a noise in the room, something slithering.
CHET
Athena? Terry? Who is that?
There's someone BREATHING in the room. No...the ROOM is
BREATHING -
KRISTATOS (IN THE AIR)
Why will you not die?
CHET
Kristatos?!?
KRISTATOS (IN THE AIR)
I will kill you a thousand times if I must.
CHET
Okay I'm going now -
KRISTATOS (IN THE AIR)
We will never leave this place.
Something SWARMS CHET. Something METALLIC and SLITHERING. Like ALUMINUM LOCUSTS.
He's DRAGGED TO THE FLOOR. He starts to CHOKE.
CHET
Get...off...where are you...what are you...GAAK
KRISTATOS (IN THE AIR)
My only pleasure is that you will never touch Athena again.
Chet SMASHES FURNITURE and STRUGGLES to CRAWL to the door. He fights for his life against a ghostly foe.
CHET
I'm leaving, okay? Just...lemme... get to...the door!
Chet GRABS the doorknob and OPENS THE DOOR.
CHET
Athena! Athena don't just stand there help me! Athena snap out of it! I'm sorry I went in your father's room I'm sorry!
ATHENA (in a trance)
You can have him, Daddy.
CHET
NOOOO
Athena SHUTS THE DOOR. Behind the door Chet SCREAMS.
ATHENA
one potato two potato three potato four
She continues to chant as Chet's screams slow...and stop.
SPOOKY END MUSIC!