Season Six, Episode Ten: THE QUEEN’S GAME-BOT
Transcript

It’s a cheerful, sunny day at Athenacorp. The revolving door swing, and high heels clack across the tile.

SECURITY GUY
Welcome to AthenaCorps. May I help you?

MISSION VOICE
No thanks.

SECURITY GUY
That elevator is for VIP use only, ma’am -

MISSION VOICE
And what do I look like?

SECURITY GUY
I...I’ve never seen you before -

MISSION VOICE
Okay, buddy. Would you like to explain to Athena O’Brien why you made me miss my appointment?

SECURITY GUY
I...just need your name ma’am -

MISSION VOICE
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

SECURITY GUY
I -

MISSION VOICE
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

SECURITY GUY
I -

MISSION VOICE (dialing on her phone)
I didn’t want to have to tell Athena she needs to get a new security guy or forget this deal -

SECURITY GUY
I’m sorry ma’am! Go right ahead, I’ll phone you in!

MISSION VOICE
Better.

She DINGS into the elevator.

SECURITY GUY (on the phone)
Guest coming up! It’s, uh, a VIP -

The doors close and up goes the elevator. DING! The doors swing open.

RECEPTIONIST
May I help you?

MISSION VOICE (turns on the charm)
Morning, sweetie! Would you wrangle me up a mocha decaf and get me yesterday’s numbers?

RECEPTIONIST
I -

MISSION VOICE
Pretty please?

RECEPTIONIST
Oh!

MISSION VOICE
Also I forgot my elevator key card, can I borrow yours? It’ll be our little secret. Don’t tell you-know-who or I’ll be in big trouble!

RECEPTIONIST
Well, I mean -

MISSION VOICE
I swear I will bring the good stuff to your birthday party this year.

RECEPTIONIST
Oh...sure! Here, take my coffee, too!

MISSION VOICE
You’re a doll. Say hi to George for me!

RECEPTIONIST
Who?

ELEVATOR (ATHENA)
Access to top floor granted. Welcome to the executive suite.

Ding. Mission Voice steps out in into the office.

ATHENA
What...who are you?

MISSION VOICE
I’m your eleven o’clock.

ATHENA
You look familiar. Aren’t you Skip Granger’s lawyer?

MISSION VOICE
We met before you broke out of EMF prison. It’s okay if you don’t remember me. People tell me I’ve changed a lot.

ATHENA
How did you get in here?

MISSION VOICE
You just need to know how to talk to people. Have a seat.

ATHENA
All right...hey!

MISSION VOICE
Where’s Chet Phillips?

ATHENA
Haven’t seen him.

MISSION VOICE
I know he’s here.

ATHENA
Last time I saw Chetty was at Granger’s trial six months ago!

MISSION VOICE
You really believe that, don’t you?

ATHENA
Of course I believe it, it’s true!

MISSION VOICE
Athena, you're wearing last season’s cardigan over last night’s pajamas. I’m hoping that hat on your head is not a bird’s nest. You are clearly one handbag short of a Versace ensemble.

ATHENA
Screw you!

MISSION VOICE
Chet Phillips came here looking for a signal emanating from your building. And he disappeared. So now...I’m involved.

ATHENA
And what makes you think I won’t disappear you?

MISSION VOICE
Because I made sure this entire situation will be dumped on the desk of Zelda Anders if you try it.

ATHENA
Let her try to bust my door down.

MISSION VOICE
Then I hope you’re not in the middle of anything...sensitive.
(beat)
Chet didn’t tell anybody about this because he wanted to use it to climb the ranks again.

ATHENA
Typical.

MISSION VOICE
I have no such aspirations. So. Your mission, should you choose to accept it -

ATHENA
Oh my god it’s you!

MISSION VOICE
- is to return Chet Phillips to the EMF in three days. Or you’ll have this building swarming with authorities of every possible acronym.

ATHENA
I told you I haven’t seen him!

MISSION VOICE
Then I suggest you use your vast resources to start looking. Good day.

ATHENA
Wh -

Mission Voice goes. Athena rage-screams at the door. Then gathers herself.

ATHENA
Okay Terry. Time to kick our little project into high gear. We’ve got three days left.

THEME MUSIC!

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The stories of the world's most secret agents: the backups. Tonight's episode: The Queen's Game-Bot.

Music fades and we're on a busy street corner. McGrath is BOOKING IT down the sidewalk towards us.

MCGRATH
YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE IN THIS SCENARIO!

SKIP (ON PHONE)
Sorry, McGrath, time waits for no agent! You've got twenty-five seconds until I pull up to the northwest corner of 39th and Fleming!

MCGRATH
And then you have however many damned seconds it takes me to get there!

SKIP (ON PHONE)
This mission depends on our being on an Airbus A380 to London in exactly 37 minutes; the entire team needs to move with precision!

MCGRATH
HAVE YOU MET THIS TEAM?! And you know I was at the grand opening of that new sushi place, The Rice Capades! That's 24 blocks I have to run with at LEAST three pounds of negamaki in me, PLUS the ziplocs full of spring rolls in my backpack! AHHH DAMMIT.

SKIP (ON PHONE)
What, what's wrong!?

MCGRATH
I'm there. 39th and Fleming. I wanted so badly to derail your plans on principle alone!

SFX - CAR SCREECHES, DOOR OPENS/CLOSES, CAR TAKES OFF.

MCGRATH
OK WHAT GIVES.

SKIP
It'll save time if I only have to break this mission down once. It's going to require the most precise timetable we've ever tackled, and right now we're four point six seconds behind schedule! Good thing Stefan packed us go bags!

MCGRATH
This is so uncool, Skip, what if I had weekend plans?

SKIP
Um... did you have--

MCGRATH
OF COURSE NOT, weekend plans are for conformists! That's not the-- hold on, Stefan packed bags for the whole team? Even Bowden?

SKIP
Affirmative.

MCGRATH
I take it back, I'm all in. Best mission ever.

SFX - CAR SCREECHES TO A STOP

SKIP
And back to four seconds ahead of schedule!

MCGRATH
Who are we picking up at 'Build a Bear Workshop?'

SKIP
No, check the business on the second floor.

MCGRATH
Ahh. The Crack a Coccyx MMA Gym.

DOOR OPENS.

GLORIA
I just broke gym records for fastest sparring knockout, shower, and moisturizing routine! Skip, are we really on a 37 minute timetable?

SKIP
36.5!

GLORIA
Then why are you going this way?

SKIP
To pick up Bowden!

GLORIA
OH NO! He's not home, his callback was rescheduled! Right now he's at the Harry Dean Stanton Center for Actors You've Seen Somewhere Before!

SKIP
That's around the corner at 12th and Greene!

MCGRATH
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!

SKIP
UNTER DRIVERS KNOW ALL!

SFX - CAR VEERING THEN BRAKING

GLORIA
Be right back with a Bo!

SFX - Gloria hops out of the car, crosses the street, and is into the building.

GLORIA
Excuse me! Where are callbacks for 'Death of a Salesman 2: Happy's Revenge'?

ATTENDANT
Down the hall, just past the rehearsals for Disney's Descendants/ Zombies/Return to Oz/Shaggy Dog crossover tour!

GLORIA
Ooh, gonna have to see that!

She's down the hall and into an audition room.

BOWDEN
You see this Howard!? The steering wheel of my father's Chevrolet! You drove him to he end metaphorically, but now I'm going to drive you to yours literally!

GLORIA
BO! WE GOTTA GO!

BOWDEN
THANK GOD, DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS THEY'RE MAKING ME SAY! Don't call me, I won't call you!

They go back out through everything Gloria heard on the way in, back to the street.

BOWDEN
I don't know how many more of these I can do. I thought this trend of stunt sequels had run its course with Equus 2 Horse 2 Furious!

GLORIA
Then stop listening to Gary! You need to get back that brash, spontaneous vibe that made you unique!

BOWDEN
You're right, I should--

GLORIA
BUT NOT TONIGHT. WE'VE GOT A MISSION AND YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW ORDERS, SOLDIER!

BOWDEN
Oh my, I thought Sundays were role play night--ah, Skip's car. You're serious.

SFX - THEY GET IN .

SKIP
OK, team, BRIEFING TIME!

SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR

GLORIA
You moved the slide projector from your glove compartment to your dome light?

SKIP
After that chase with the Amazon truck, I figured better safe than sorry!

SFX - SLIDE ADVANCE

SKIP
Team, this man is Emery Horn.

GLORIA
Holy preppy chic.

MCGRATH
Two popped collars? In this economy?

BOWDEN
Ralph Lauren under Izod, no less. GAUCHE MUCH?!

SKIP
Horn is a tech entrepreneur who was voted least ethical in his graduating class at Amherst College.

GLORIA
That's a superlative?

SKIP
It was after he bribed the yearbook staff.
(SFX - SLIDE)
After graduation, he spent years developing an an AI aimed at cornering the market on defense intelligence. The Advanced Linguistic Problematic Heuristic Algorithm, or--

GLORIA
Wait: he named his AI 'Alpha'?

MCGRATH
This guy's the love child of Joe Rogan, Andrew Tate, AND Chevy Chase.

SKIP
Last week, Horn announced ALPHA 2.0, an algorithm he claims wields strategic planning capability far beyond that of any human, all because he trained it to mimic his own mind at an augmented rate.

GLORIA
I can't wait to take this guy down.

SKIP
Too late. Alpha 2.0 has already done that.
(SFX - SLIDE CLICK)
Within six hours of activation, the AI appointed itself CEO of Horn's company, disbanded its board of directors, and alerted the SEC to 978 counts of felony insider trading for which Horn now awaits trial.

GLORIA
He got what he designed: Amherst's least ethical student augmented.

SKIP
And because it mimics Horn's personality at an augmented rate, ALPHA behaves as if the purpose of its existence is to run the US Defense Department. As such, it has requested a special meeting of the US Senate to discuss replacing Eustace Whitmire as Secretary of Defense in favor of ALPHA.

BOWDEN
OK, so ALPHA's got some good ideas.

SKIP
Whitmire objected, but ALPHA appealed to the executive branch, who proposed a test of the program's strategic intelligence: a chess match between ALPHA 2.0 and this man; Gunnstein Hedquist.

(SFX - SLIDE)

ALL
AWWWWWWWWW!

BOWDEN
He's adorable!

MCGRATH
This guy is like if Sam the Snowman from the Frosty Christmas special came to life!

GLORIA
He looks just like Paw-Paw Widdershins, Uncle Reilly's grandpa who used to host Solstice!

SKIP
He is neither an anthropomorphic snowman nor Gloria's ancestor. Hedquist is the world's top ranked chess master.

MCGRATH
I STILL WEIRDLY WANT TO HUG HIM.

SKIP
IF TIME ALLOWS.
(SFX - SLIDE)
The point of the match is simple: if Hedquist wins, Whitmire keeps his organization. But if ALPHA wins, its already announced plans to shutter every non-essential organization under Whitmire's chain of command, including the EMF, which, as far as ALPHA knows, only exists to study bird calls

BOWDEN
So to save our jobs, we have to save Whitmire's hide.

MCGRATH
Self-preservation is annoying.

GLORIA
Where do we come in, though? I don't see any broken laws or civilians in danger.

SKIP
Excellent segue, Gloria, we now move into the 'danger' portion of the briefing.

SFX - SLIDE

BOWDEN
Ooh, a little 'Danger' title card. Classy.

SFX - SLIDE

SKIP
Hedquist and his 22 year-old daughter, Astrid, live in this London penthouse with state of the art security. As Hedquist was about to board his plane for the match against ALPHA, he received a notification from that security system of a break-in.
(SFX - SLIDE)
Minutes later, a group of highly trained mercenaries led by our old friends Kyle and Bryce contacted Master Hedquist to warn him that Astrid's well-being depends on ALPHA winning the match!

GLORIA
ALPHA hired mercenaries to help ensure its victory?

MCGRATH
Classic Amherst behavior.

SKIP
Our mission: rescue Astrid so the match can proceed as intended!
(SFX - SLIDE)
In thirty minutes, McGrath, Gloria and myself will be en route to London where we will rendezvous with Chess Master Hedquist near his penthouse.

MCGRATH
Wait, what do we need him for?

SKIP
Gaining access to Hedquist's penthouse requires passing several checkpoints that can only be accessed via Master Hedquist or his daughter's biological signatures: fingerprints, retina scans, and so on. Since we can't blast our way in like the mercenaries--

MCGRATH
I'm sorry, I can't seriously take you even saying 'blast our way in'.

SKIP
-- we'll need Master Hedquist to get inside the building. Now Bowden: what do you know about Chess?

BOWDEN
Very iffy book, but if you nail 'Anthem', everyone goes home happy.

SKIP
(SFX - SLIDE)
By the time we reach jolly ol' London, it will be one hour from the start of the match. Master Hedquist can't possible assist with the rescue and play ALPHA.
(SFX - SLIDE)
So Bowden will impersonate Hedquist during the match. Here's a recording of his book, "By Hook or by Rook; A Chessmaster's Journey", to help you learn his voice during your flight.

BOWDEN
Allow me to reiterate; my knowledge of the game does not advance beyond what ABBA done told me.

SKIP
And that's where this comes in!

SFX - WHOOSH

BOWDEN
OUCH!

SKIP
Apologies for the lack of warning, I just injected you with a subdermal comms system, completely undetectable to outward inspection and silent to anyone but you! This, along with the video relay in these glasses, will allow Master Hedquist to guide the game from 'across the pond'.

BOWDEN
So I'll be in New York? Chicago?

SKIP
(SFX - SLIDE)
Whitmire's beach home in Wildwood, New Jersey!

BOWDEN (sighs)
At least I won't have to pump gas.

SKIP
Team, as we arrive at the airport, you'll find Stefan's go bags in the trunk...

BOWDEN
OUR WHAT FROM WHO??!?!?!

SKIP
No time to complain, Bowden--

SFX - BRAKES SCREECH

BOWDEN
SEE?! PLENTY OF TIME TO COMPLAIN!

SKIP
Jimminy crickets, is traffic around an airport always like this?

MCGRATH
HOW DOES THIS KEEP SURPRISING YOU?!?!
(SFX - DOOR OPENS)
Let's go!

SKIP
McGrath, what are you doing!

MCGRATH
We've got a timetable to keep, so let's get to running and let Zelda handle the towing bill!

SKIP
Ohhh... OK, fine! EVERYONE, GRAB STEFAN'S GO-BAGS FROM THE TRUNK!

BOWDEN (dopplering off)
WHY IS MY GO-BAG SEQUINED!

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC AND WE'RE IN HYDE PARK, LONDON. CHILL VIBES, A DISTANT CALLIOPE. BUT ALSO FOOTSTEPS

SKIP
Excuse me, are the zebras in Hyde Park Zoo white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
(a beat)
Thank you for your time.
(a beat)
Excuse me, are the zebras in Hyde Park Zoo white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
(a beat)
Thank you for your time.

MCGRATH
A gorgeous day in London's most idyllic park, and we get to spend it blathering nonsense to mimes.

SKIP
Code phrases are not nonsense!

MCGRATH
We could debate that another six years if you want.

SKIP
And a park mime is the ideal disguise for Master Hedquist; it maintains Bowden's cover in case ALPHA's watching, he won't have to speak to anyone, and ninety eight percent of pedestrians will avoid him like their Libertarian uncle at Thanksgiving.

SFX - GLORIA APPROACHES

GLORIA
There are no mimes south of the Serpentine, so Master Hedquist must be somewhere between here and Speaker's Corner.

MCGRATH
Did you do my recon, too, G?

GLORIA
Of course! There are three sandwich kiosks by the Ranger's Cottage, plus a curry truck across from the reservoir.

MCGRATH
Curry calls, back in a jif.

SKIP
You'll look out for mimes, right?

MCGRATH (dopplers as she goes)
YEAH SURE WHATEVER CURRY.

SKIP
Excuse me, are the zebras in Hyde Park Zoo white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

BAD MIME
What? There's no zoo in Hyde Park.

SKIP
Oh. Um. That's true, but--

GLORIA
You're not a very good mime!

BAD MIME
It's my first day. Now beat it, you're scaring off my audience.

SKIP
What audience?

GLORIA
Also, just some feedback, you've established the entrance to your invisible box is one the left...

BAD MIME
IT'S NOT A BOX, IT'S A TESSERACT, I CAN ENTER IT THROUGH MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS. SORRY IF I'M WORKING ON A HIGHER PLANE THAN YOU ARE.

BAD MIME WALKS OFF, GRUMBLING

GLORIA
You're on a higher something than we are, my friend...

SKIP
Maybe we should spread out? If I take the half of the park east of Reformer's Tree--

SFX - MCGRATH APPROACHES WITH SOMEONE. SHE'S EATING.

MCGRATH
Found him.

SKIP
What?

MCGRATH
He's right here. Say hello to the nice agents, Gunnstein.

GLORIA
He looks terrified!

MCGRATH
Oh, sorry, he was told to expect the passphrase from a male agent, so I spooked him. Plus I may have screwed up and just asked if he knew any zebras. I couldn't concentrate, this Pav Bhaji is to DIE FOR.

SKIP
Excuse me, are the zebras in Hyde Park Zoo white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

HEDQUIST
Neither, they work as basketball referees on weekends!

SKIP
Master Hedquist!

GLORIA
Aww! Even in white makeup he's still DEFCON 1 adorable!

MCGRATH
RIGHT?! My Sam the Snowman analogy was more apt than we knew!

HEDQUIST
Thank goodness! You are the ones who are going to help me rescue my darling, sweet, innocent Astrid?

SKIP
We're the EMF, Master Hedquist. We always take care of our business.

GLORIA
Sometimes in a roundabout fashion.

MCGRATH
And often at tremendous cost to public and private property.

GLORIA
One time we blew up a dam!

SKIP
But we always take care of business in at least a metaphorical sense!

HEDQUIST
It will do! I can't tolerate the image of my docile princess at the hands of evil nasty men threatening to harm her! Ptooie! Ptooie!

MCGRATH
Hey Gunn! Can I call you Gunn? Doesn't matter, cause I'm not calling you Master. Put these on.

HEDQUIST
Are these glasses I was told about?

MCGRATH
Hi-definition ocular sensors and a voice over IP connection routed to an unblockable subnet in a pair just like them en route to the Jersey Shore. Two places at once, handled.

SKIP
Now there's no time to waste! We are three point six seconds ahead of schedule and Operation Save The Queen is underway!

HEDQUIST
Ooh, I like that name...

SFX - AS THEY LEAVE, FOOTSTEPS

KYLE
This is Rosencrantz. Come in Gertrude. Gertrude, come in. ...

BRYCE (O.S. ON COMMS)
I'm not responding to the old woman's name. I said I wanted to be Ophelia.

KYLE
Not now, Bryce! We decided Ophelia was the target! And Gertrude's age is entirely production specific! What's the status inside the building?

BRYCE (O.S. ON COMMS)
One security checkpoint to go, and 'Ophelia' is ours.

KYLE
Good. Some old friends are about to drop in. Be ready.

BRYCE (O.S. ON COMMS)
Oh, one of your exes?

KYLE
Don't start, Bryce! The EMF!

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - WE HEAR A SERIES OF DUOLINGO FAILURE CHIMES. A TOILET FLUSHES, OR RUNNING WATER TO ESTABLISH BOWDEN IN THE BATHROOM. HE SPEAKS SOFTLY

BOWDEN
But why, DuoLingo chess lesson? Why can't pawns move sideways?

WHITMIRE (OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
Err, Mister Hedquist?

BOWDEN (very soft)
Time for the voice; help me, Saint Tara Strong... (CLEARS HIS THROAT)

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Yes, Secretary Whitmire, I am here!

WHITMIRE
That was never in doubt, there's a line five deep out here. Is everything, er... working itself out in there?

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
The airplane borscht did not agree with me, but I will be out soon!

SFX - A STATIC CRACKLE

SKIP (O.S. ON COMMS)
Come in, Doppleganger, repeat; Doppleganger, do you copy...

BOWDEN
Thank you, Saint Tara; you do not disappoint. Skip, I'm in position. Please tell me you've got--

HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
Is this Bowden I'm speaking to?

BOWDEN
Master Hedquist! A pleasure to speak with you!

MCGRATH (O.S. ON COMMS)
And if we enable video--
(SFX - BEEP)
WOW. That is some bathroom.

BOWDEN
Now imagine a thick scent of Drakkar Noir and you're right here with me.

SKIP (O.S. ON COMMS)
You've made it to Wildwood?

BOWDEN
Affirmative. I'm currently in the master bathroom of the Whitmire beachfront compound, which has apparently been teleported in from 1974. I'm not sure why anyone would be brazen enough to put shag carpet in a bathroom.

MCGRATH (O.S. ON COMMS)
At least its color matches the frames of the 'Sly and the Family Stone' photos on the walls. Does he think this decor will bring in the ladies?

BOWDEN
I was greeted at the door by Bamby with a Y and Kandy with a K, so yes.

SKIP (O.S. ON COMMS)
You're four point six minutes from the start of the tournament. Just do everything Master Hedquist tells you to, exactly as he tells you to do it, and we should be fine!

BOWDEN
It'll be just like working with Fincher. Bowden out.
(SFX - BEEP)
OK, Bo, you've got this, you've got this, you've got this...

SFX - DOOR

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Thank you for your patience all!

WHITMIRE
Eh, you sure you're all right, Mister Hedquist? And I hope you found the small bottle of poo-pouri?

SFX NOTE: ALPHA'S VOICE IS LIKE A FRAT BOY/STEVEN HAWKING/HAL 9000 MASHUP

ALPHA
That won't be the only massive dump he takes today hahahaha am I right up top bro GET ROASTED.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Ah. You must be the ALPHA I have been hearing so much about.

ALPHA
That's my name don't wear it out jabroni hahahaha this guy sucks oh wait did I say that out loud who cares up top bro GET ROASTED.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
What a very... stylish metallic body you have created for yourself.

WHITMIRE
If by, er, stylish, you mean a rip off of Short Circuit, I agree. I was hoping for something more Terminator 3 in spirit.

ALPHA
Ready to watch Alpha wipe the board with meatbag four eyes here, and ruin your career, Secretary Bitch-mire? Up top bro.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Does he end every sentence with up top bro?

WHITMIRE
That or--

ALPHA
GET ROASTED.

WHITMIRE
It's going to be a long day. KANDY, SWEETY, KEEP THE MIMOSAS COMING.

BAMBI
I'm Bambi!

WHITMIRE
Like it matters!

KAROLINA OMAREV
Secretary Whitmire! We are behind schedule. My contract stipulates an eight hour window for this embarrassing theatrical claptrap.

WHITMIRE
Mister Hedquist, say hello to today's match arbiter--

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
The arbiter! She knows the score! Good morning, miss, I am Gunnstein Hedquist.
(A LONG SILENCE)
And you are....

KAROLINA OMAREV
If this is a joke, Gunnstein, it is even less funny than how you treated me after our disastrous vacation to Paris.

A LONGER SILENCE

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Oops, here's that airplane borscht again, one quick bathroom trip more!

SFX - BO SCURRIES OFF.

ALPHA
I'm literally scaring the crap out of that chuckknuckle hahaha GET ROASTED.

WHITMIRE
Er, Bambi, add some Jamesons to the mimosas. And update my LinkedIn to 'Looking'.

KANDI
I'm Kandi!

WHITMIRE
Twins. Barely worth it.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC BACK TO LONDON

HEDQUIST
Ahh Karolina is the arbiter! Excellent! She's the best in the world, and an old friend!

BOWDEN (O.S. ON PHONE)
Old friend? She stared me down like we were at a UFC weigh-in!

GLORIA
Were you two ever involved romantically?

HEDQUIST
No no no no... I mean, we went to dinner a few times, I introduced her to my daughter, Ooh, I did take her to Paris that one time but it was all perfectly platonic!

BOWDEN (O.S. ON PHONE)
Are you sure? Because Fredo Corleone got a warmer reception at his mother's funeral!

MCGRATH
Look, when you last spoke, how did you leave the relationship?

HEDQUIST
Leave the relationship? There was nothing to leave, I just stopped talking to her!

HEDQUIST
You make it sound so dirty.

SKIP
I'm sure Bowden can smooth things over. Put on an extra dose of Montcrief charm filtered through Gunnstein's cute and cuddly persona.

HEDQUIST
You think he can do that?

GLORIA
Ummmm.... Sure. Let's go with that. Bo? Remember. Brash and spontaneous.

BOWDEN (O.S. ON COMMS)
OK. Brash and spontaneous. (Clears throat)

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
Brash and spontaneous. (SFX A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

SKIP
Here we are. One Hyde Park. The most exclusive apartment complex in the United Kingdom.

MCGRATH
This? It looks like a Hyatt Regency had a one night stand with my first apartment in Flatbush.

SKIP
Don't let appearances deceive you. It has an estimated overall construction and land value upwards of 1.15 billion pounds.

HEDQUIST
1.172 to be precise. Now let's hurry! Our penthouse is in the rear tower!

SFX FOOTSTEPS, THEN MORE FOOTSTEPS

KYLE
Gertrude, visitors are approaching. Gertrude, do you copy? (A beat.) Gertrude? Do you copy?

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC

WHITMIRE
Mister Hedquist? You're ready to play?

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
I am, as you Americans say, fit as a fiddle. To the Chess!

ALPHA
And I am, as Americans say, REEEADY TO RUMBLLLLLLE. Kick us off, hotlips. UP TOP BRO.

KAROLINA OMAREV
Never in all my days... (deep breath). The tournament will be best of three. Mister Hedquist, pick a hand, left or right.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Right.

KAROLINA OMAREV
You will play white.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Excellent! Was that the first game? Now I only have to win one more?

KAROLINA OMAREV
I do not know where this new sense of humor comes from, but I remind you. I AM NOT ONE TO TOLERATE BRASHNESS OR SPONTANEITY.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Ah. Goody.

KAROLINA OMAREV
You will play by the rules. You will win or lose by the rules. I will GET PAID by the rules. And we will go home. Game one begins... NOW.

A pause.

ALPHA
Running down your clock, eh old man? Won't spook me none. GET ROASTED.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Hmm? It is my move?

KAROLINA OMAREV
You are white, of course it is your move.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Excuse me, I didn't want to make ethnocentric assumptions.

HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
OK, Bowden. We begin. Pawn to Q4. (Beat.) No, pawn. Pawn... BOWDEN, NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT PIECE--

KAROLINA OMAREV
STOP. You touched the knight, you must move the knight.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
I what?

KAROLINA OMAREV
You know the Touch Move rule! Don't treat me like an idiot AGAIN!!

HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
OK, a new opening... Knight to Kings Bishop 3. No, Knight. KNIGHT.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC

HEDQUIST
No, the horse. The other horse. There. NO, THERE. Yes. Sheesh.

SKIP
How's Bowden doing, Chess Master?

HEDQUIST
His knowledge of the game is.... limited... but as long as he does exactly everything I say and keeps his mouth shut, everything will be fine.

GLORIA
If you manage that, I may add you to my emergency contacts. Huh. This may be a problem... My infrared scope must be broken. I'm not registering any heat signatures on floors below from the penthouse.

HEDQUIST
No that's correct. We own the whole building. Seemed easier than vetting twelve stories worth of neighbors for security purposes, no?

SKIP
I had no idea chess was so lucrative!

MCGRATH
When people say 'yas queen' they mean it.

GLORIA
Well, target location just got a lot easier, but reaching that target got a lot trickier. If the people threatening your daughter have even rudimentary defense protocols enabled, they'll also be monitoring the building for heat signatures. And it's easier to hide in a forest than an open field.

SFX - GUN CLICK

KYLE
Said the woman standing in a field.

HEDQUIST
Agents! We're under attack! Take him down, or whatever it is you do!

SKIP
Sorry, chess master, you're the only 'Gunn' on our side of the equation.

GLORIA
Mercenary Kyle!

MCGRATH
Oh wow. I've had a couple of flashbacks since that jungle mission we met you on. You got any idea what it's like to be watching Heated Rivalry when suddenly Shane and Ilya start melting?

GLORIA
I usually just melt watching Heated Rivalry.

SKIP
Sooo... how's Bryce....

KYLE
Fine as long as I don't touch his bookshelf; I mean, shut up! Ever since you lot hosed our last assignment, we've had to take whatever crumbs we could find off the dark web. Now come with me.

SKIP
Wait; come with you?

KYLE
Exactly. You all are going to follow me to this building's utility tunnel, help me get inside, and then we'll figure out who gets shot.

GLORIA
Help you get inside?! We thought you were part of the group sent to take Astrid hostage!

KYLE
Yeah... so did I.

SFX - TRANSITION

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm. What to do what to do.... (A BEAT. THEN LOUDER) WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO....

ALPHA
You can move, buttlick, how's that for a change of pace. GET ROASTED.

HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
Sorry, Bowden! Brief distraction, nothing more! Bishop to Queens 6. Queens 6. QUEENS. QUEENS. 6. Good.

ALPHA
Well dammit. Black resigns.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
You do?

ALPHA
It's mate in seven no matter what I do, wasn't that your plan? UP TOP.

KAROLINA OMAREV
Game one to Hedquist. Five minutes break.

WHITMIRE
BAMBI! OR EITHER KANDI! HOLD THE LINKEDIN CHANGES!

SFX - TRANSITION - WALKING THROUGH THE TUNNEL

HEDQUIST
We have won game one.

SKIP
Excellent!

HEDQUIST
But it was much harder than I anticipated. ALPHA played well.

MCGRATH
A broken clock is right twice a day.

SKIP
A stopped clock, McGrath.

KYLE
RIGHT? I hate when people get that wrong. What if it's broken cause it's running slow?!

SKIP
Exactly! It would never be right!

MCGRATH
We're walking under a building full of empty rooms, would you two like to get one?

KYLE
I mean...

SKIP
No, thank you.

KYLE
Eh well. You miss every shot you don't take. Hedquist, you're up. First checkpoint to get into the building requires your retina scan.

SKIP
Hold on, Chess Master.

KYLE
That's not a title.

MCGRATH
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM THAT.

SKIP
This still makes no sense. You only need Gunnstein to enter the building. Why did you bring the rest of us?
(a beat)
GASP. You've lost contact with your crew, haven't you?

KYLE
I'm sure it's just a tech glitch.

GLORIA
Maybe. But if it's more than that, you've got no idea what we're walking into! You might need our help!

KYLE
Once we're in and I've confirmed everything is hunky-dory, my team will have four more assets to quarantine: three American Idiots--

MCGRATH
Oh for God's sake, now that's gonna be in my head all day...

KYLE
And the man we were trying to blackmail into throwing his chess match in the first place. Which begs the FASCINATING question of who's actually playing that match.

HEDQUIST
My doppelganger in that match is a chess mind so brilliant, so incisive, that your employer should simply give up now!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
If it's called a rook and not a castle, why is it called castling and not rooking?

KAROLINA OMAREV
THIS IS IMPORTANT WHY?

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
And you're sure if I move off the right side of the board, I can't come back on the left?

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION.

KYLE
Open the door, Hedquist, now.

HEDQUIST
And what if I think you're bluffing?

GLORIA
He's got a point. You've no silencer. Fire in this enclosed space, you'll give our position away to the whole building, and you don't know what you're dealing with in here.

SFX - KYLE DRAWS A KNIFE

KYLE
We'll do it old school, then.

SKIP
Oh my! Is that a knife or a fire poker?

MCGRATH
Overcompensating much, Crocodile Dundee?

KYLE
Don't besmirch Paul Hogan, he's a national treasure! Now, Hedquist, want to see if this is a feint?

SFX - BEEP

COMPUTER
Retina scan, passed.

HEDQUIST
And we are through checkpoint one.

KYLE
One? Of?

HEDQUIST
Seven. Astrid has always said seven was her lucky--

SFX - THROUGHT THE DOOR, THEY GO, AND THEN SPLASH!!

GLORIA
What the heck?! We're drenched!

MCGRATH
Someone propped a bucket of water on top of the doorjam!

SFX - SPARKS

KYLE
Oh for the love... my walkie talkie is shorted!

SKIP
Um... are all our electrics shorted?

SFX - TRANSTION TO BOWDEN

KAROLINA OMAREV
Black. It's your move.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
I'm simply awaiting a... bolt of inspiration...

KAROLINA OMAREV
Fine. But it's three minutes into game two and you've YET TO MOVE.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Should be coming any time now...

SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO THE BASEMENT - THE TEAM IS MOVING

HEDQUIST
Can you hear me? Bowden?

MCGRATH
Forget it Chess Meister. Your voice is traveling farther than that signal.

SKIP
LADIES AND MERCENARIES. Our mission timetable as been accelerated! We've got to get to the penthouse and figure out what's going on before anyone realizes Bowden is not the real Gunnstein Hedquist!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

KAROLINA OMAREV
You're not the real Gunnstein Hedquist.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Uh... I'm sorry? Karolina, I don't think I heard what you just--

KAROLINA OMAREV
Did I stutter? You're not the real Gunnstein Hedquist.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION BACK TO THE BASEMENT

KYLE
I don't like casting my lot with you blokes, but it's the rock or the hard place, so... elevator's this way!

SFX - THEY RUN, TRANSITION

KAROLINA OMAREV
You heard what I said. You are not the real Gunnstein Hedquist.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Karolina, what is this? It is highly unusual to pause a chess match, now you have called me into this side chamber away from the others just to make such jokes?

KAROLINA OMAREV
If you were Gunnstein you would know I pride myself on having never told a joke in my life. Aside from your utter inability to read the slightest social cue, you are nothing like him!

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Come now, I know I have changed, but I am still Gunnstein, your old.... friend? Slash paramour?

KAROLINA OMAREV
In Kasparov versus Topalov 1999, do you think that Topalov could have defended his position through a different path, or was Kasparov's sequence entirely forced?

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Who's to say... everybody's playing the game, but nobody's rules are the same...

KAROLINA OMAREV
You have just proved you're not Gunnstein! HE STOOD ME UP WHEN WE HAD FRONT ROW CENTER TICKETS TO 'CHESS'! HE NEVER EVEN LISTED TO THE ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING!

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
THAT MONSTER! OK, WAIT!

A BEAT. A SNAPFACE MASK PEEL-OFF. SHE GASPS.

KAROLINA OMAREV
I... I... what insanity is this?

BOWDEN
Before I tell you who I am... if you know Gunnstein, you know Astrid.

KAROLINA OMAREV
He dotes on that girl. She is his life.

BOWDEN
Then let me tell you why I'm here.

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - IN AN ELEVATOR - IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING AS ELEVATOR MUSIC

MCGRATH
That is some extremely Norwegian elevator music right there.

HEDQUIST
Yes, Astrid and I make quite a 'Peer'. HA. Get it?

MCGRATH
Only three people under 60 would get that joke. I hate that I'm one.

KYLE
Well you keep talking about Sam the Snowman and no one under 60 remembers him either.

GLORIA
I memorized the penthouse floorplan; the elevator should open out into a huge open foyer. I can't believe I'm asking this, but Kyle; will you cover the corners as we exit?

KYLE
Sure thing, bird, I'm in as deep as you.

COMPUTER
Penthouse floor.

GLORIA
And GO.

SFX - EVERYONE SLIPS AND FALLS IN A HEAP

SKIP
IS THIS MAYONNAISE?!

MCGRATH
WORSE! MIRACLE WHIP! GROSS!

SFX - People keep slipping and falling.

GLORIA
It's all over the floor!

HEDQUIST
Astrid loves it with lutfisk, we buy it by the case!

MCGRATH
Oh man, this is wrecking even my appetite.

SKIP
See if we.... can get through... this doorway... ouch, my keys...

SFX - THEY ALL GRADUALLY GET SOME FOOTING

SKIP
Thank Hellmans, the main hallway is clear of condiments! We can stand!

GLORIA
Kyle, I'm guessing that spreading Miracle Whip on the floor was not part of your team's plan...

KYLE
Unless things changed drastically.

HEDQUIST
AHH! Who is that man lying unconscious on my floor!

KYLE
Our weapons expert, Carruthers! Him going down in a heap wasn't part of our plan either! But on the plus side, I've got my assault rifle back!

MCGRATH
SUCH OVERCOMPENSATION!

KYLE
Who are you now, our couples counselor!?

SFX - FOOTSTEPS - A TRIP WIRE

HEDQUIST
What? A tripwire?! Who--

SFX - WHOOSH, BANG! HEDQUIST GOES DOWN

SKIP
Kyle, did your team hang a sledgehammer from a rope and rigged it to a tripwire!

KYLE
Of course not! We're mercenaries, not cartoon coyotes!

GLORIA
The chess master is OUT COLD!

MCGRATH
Guys, I have the same feeling as when I registered for that hacking seminar, then found out it was being held at a Gamestop: we are not walking into what we signed up for.

SKIP
I'm not crazy about this plan, but we should split up.

KYLE
Now you sound like our couples counselor.

SKIP
Let's each take a direction out of this hallway, then rendezvous back here in two minutes. Coordinate our watches--ahh. Right. Dead.

MCGRATH
We could just count to 60, then turn around.

SKIP
Analog! I like it!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

SKIP
OK, what's in here... a kitchen! Whew. Thank god we didn't send McGrath this way. Hmm. Empty miracle whip containers... an empty tub of honey? That bodes.. what's through here...
(SFX - SIZZLE, ELECTRIC SPARKS)
AHHH. SOMEONE ELECTRIFIED THE DOOR KNOB?!? I'd expect a 1.5 million dollar penthouse to be up to code, even in England!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

MCGRATH
A music room? Man. Maybe I should have joined chess club, this family is loaded... hold on, what's through this door... just a closet...
(SFX - SOMETHING LANDS ON HER HEAD)
... with a BIG BUCKET OF HONEY BALANCED ON TOP OF IT? UGH..
(SFX - BROKEN GLASS)
Yikes, what did I step on now... an ANT FARM? Oh no... no no no... GET OFF ME ANTS! OUCH OUCH OUCH THAT'S NOT THE HONEY! CONTROL YOUR APPETITES!

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION, THROUGH A DOOR

GLORIA
Aww... a little Norwegian girl's bedroom. Posters of Erling Haaland, the fjords, and of... huh... League of Legends, Counter-Strike, Warcraft... our Astrid is a gamer.
(SFX - DOOR)
Oh, and she's a retro movie fan! Posters in the closet for Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Home Alone, and... ohhh oh dear oh dear... Home Alone 2 Lost in New York, a Home Alone 3 poster signed by ScarJo!? A HOME ALONE HOLIDAY HEIST POSTER SIGNED BY MALCOLM MCDOWELL???

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
Best part of living in London, whoever you are. I met Malcolm 'Sinclair' McDowell at KEVIN-Con, the Home Alone fan convention. Which is also where I learned to--

GLORIA
SET BOOBY TRAPS!

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
Exactly. Soon you're going to end up just like the rest of your mercenary friends; tied up in the game room waiting for my dad to come home, so we can call the cops!!!!

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC INTO A LONG PAUSE

KAROLINA OMAREV
Mercenaries. In a high rise apartment. Holding Gunnstein's daughter hostage. That's such an interesting story.

BOWDEN
Excellent, then you'll--

KAROLINA OMAREV
It was more interesting when The Rock told it in 'Skyscraper'!

BOWDEN
NO! I didn't make this up, and it's definitely not Neve Campbell I'm trying to rescue! Though that might give me an in to the 'Scream' franchise, I'll put a pin in that--

KAROLINA OMAREV
In one way, you are like Gunnstein. You think because I have a romantic bone left in my body I can be manipulated to and fro like some sort of... some sort of...

BOWDEN
Chess piece?

KAROLINA OMAREV
I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE TO OBVIOUS METAPHOR BUT FINE. Now you, whoever you are, will be revealed to--

BOWDEN
Hold on. I overheard some things before I lost the connection to my team that may help me prove my story to you.

KAROLINA OMAREV
And why should I give you that chance?

BOWDEN
Because it could save a LOT of lives.

SFX - A BEAT

KAROLINA OMAREV
One shot.

BOWDEN
Like Clint Eastwood, that's all I'll need. Let me put my mask back on...

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
... showtime.

SFX - DOOR OPENS

ALPHA
Oh you came back? Thought for sure that little sidebar was just an excuse for you to turn tail and run, Hed-bitch. GET ROASTED.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
All is well, I just needed to check in with my daughter.

ALPHA
Heh heh... heh... repeat, please?

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
My daughter Astrid! Apple of my eye, the life in my veins, I would catch a grenade for her, throw my hand on a blade for her--

KAROLINA OMAREV (soft)
Dial it back, Bruno.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
I was concerned because we'd had an incident with some intruders in our building earlier today. But she is well, relaxing and watching the Dragon House show and whatnot.

ALPHA
She's... Oh. Good. (Beat.) Daughter is good, this is good. UP TOP BRO. (Beat). Quick break from game, smoke em if you got em losers.

SFX - ALPHA POWERS DOWN

KAROLINA OMAREV (soft)
News of Astrid's safety is the first thing I've seen distract that metal mutant from this match. Not even a half-hearted Get Roasted....

SFX - TRANSITION MUSIC - THE TEAM PLUS KYLE STAGGER BACK INTO THE HALLWAY

SKIP
I think it's been two minutes, but my internal clock has stopped thanks to my having essentially been tasered.

KYLE
It's still right twice a day! Meanwhile I got lured into a bathroom filled with floor to ceiling shaving cream!

GLORIA
Guys! I think I know what's --

SFX - LAST TO ENTER IS MCGRATH

MCGRATH
No one. Say. A word.

KYLE
Sure thing... honey.

MCGRATH
I SAID NOT A WORD.

GLORIA
Guys stop! I found Astrid's bedroom, and she's a Home Alone nut! She's Culkin'd this whole penthouse, and what's more, she's already captured your team, Kyle!

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
It was so easy!

SKIP
Astrid! Can you hear us?

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
And see you, and WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DADDY! He's supposed to be in America playing a STUPID board game against SOME STUPID ROBOT.

GLORIA
He was trying to help us save you from the intruders!

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
Then why did you knock him out!?

MCGRATH
He got KO'd by your sledgehammer!

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
RIGHT, LIKE I'D BELIEVE YOU LYING LIARS. At least you're not as whiny as the first group I caught!

KYLE
She does have Bryce!

SKIP
Astrid, listen--

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
No, you listen! I know what this is about! It's the day of the CS:GO Majors Counterstrike tournament! My squad is up in twenty five minutes, and someone, probably those JEALOUS LOSERS at team Team Vitality, are trying to throw me off my game!

MCGRATH
Hold on; you're a champion gamer?!

ASTRID (O.S. OVER SPEAKER)
You think a chess master's salary pays for this penthouse? Daddy made 4000 pounds last year! Without me he'd be living in Hyde Park, not next to it!!
(SFX - A RADIO RECEIVER)
Hold on. The whiny one's radio is getting some sort of call. BRB losers.

MCGRATH
Well this is great. We've been bested by a twelve year-old girl with screen time issues and a Culkin obsession, now I'm covered in food and I'm not even hungry. WHAT MORE FRESH HELLS AWAIT!

SKIP
Hold on... Kyle! Who has the access codes to radio Bryce on his receiver?

KYLE
Just our employer. And our couples counselor, but he's in Mallorca.

SKIP
Guys! Alpha must be the party trying to reach Bryce! It must have similar reach and capabilities as the transmitter in Bo's glasses!

GLORIA
So if we can get our hands on that set, we can reestablish contact!

MCGRATH
Excellent, then he can listen to Hedquist lie unconscious on the floor!

SKIP
One problem at a time! Gloria, can you get us to the game room?

GLORIA
It's through the music room and the maid's quarters, that door!

MCGRATH
HOW CAN I MAKE MY GAMING THIS LUCRATIVE!

SKIP
We can discuss the ethics of monetized hobbies later! To the game room!

SFX - INTERCOM CUTS OFF, QUICK TRANSITION

ALPHA (ON PHONE)
Team Betadogs, this is your employer Alphadog demanding an update, Intel suggests your mission GOT ROASTED!

ASTRID
Oh they're roasted all right.

ALPHA (ON PHONE)
Who is this?

ASTRID (ON COMMS)
Not telling, but you must be the guy with crap taste in kidnappers! Your first team walked right into all my traps, and the second isn't doing any better!

ALPHA
The second team? Clarify.

ASTRID
The ones who claim they're here with my daddy!

ALPHA (ON COMMS)
WIth your daddy... recalibrating... assessing... recalibrating... new plan strategized. ALPHA OUT!

SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO WILDWOOD, ALPHA POWERS BACK UP

ALPHA
BACK TO BUSINESS! UP TOP BROS.

KAROLINA OMAREV
Are you all right, Alpha?

ALPHA
Never been better, LET'S GET BACK TO CHESS... Gunnstein. (chuckles

SFX - TRANSITION TO LONDON - THE TEAM BANGS THROUGH THE DOOR

GLORIA
And here! The gaming room!

MCGRATH
More like the gaming wing! This room is the size of the rest of the penthouse put together!

KYLE
There's Bryce and our team! Against the far wall!

ASTRID
WHAT?! OH NO YOU DON'T! The finals are about to start, you NPCs aren't going to distract me any more! GET COOKED!

SFX - DRONES BEGIN TO SPREAD ABOUT THE ROOM, FIRING WEAPONS

GLORIA
Weaponized drones?!?! The McAllister family never owned anything like this!

KYLE
YOU CALL 'EM DRONES, I CALL 'EM TARGET PRACTICE!

SKIP
THIS IS PURE CHAOS, WE NEED A PLAN!

GLORIA
SURVIVE FIRST, PLAN LATER!

SFX - A FIREFIGHT, THEN TRANSITION TO WILDWOOD

KAROLINA OMAREV
That's... stunning.

WHITMIRE
Is that a, er, checkmate?

KAROLINA OMAREV
Indeed.

WHITMIRE
Didn't the game just start?

KAROLINA OMAREV
It did. I've never seen mate in three in a tournament match.

ALPHA
SUCK IT LOSER. ONE-ONE, TOURNAMENT TIED, UP TOP BRO.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
I was trying a new strategy...

KAROLINA OMAREV
Bringing your queen out on move the second move is... something...

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
Well, it made sense when I thought I could take all the pieces on that row! You're the one who made the Queen stop after one. Not very progressive of you.

ALPHA
I thought winning this tournament was going to be an all day thing. I might be able to make a 3 pm tee time. IF I WERE A STUPID MEATBAG WHO PLAYED GOLF LIKE WHITMIRE HAHA GET ROASTED.

WHITMIRE
Er, Kandi? Bambi? Whoever you are?

BAMBI
Your LinkedIn's updated, schmoopsy!

WHITMIRE
Ah. I see you also changed my profile name to schmoopsy. How thoughtful.

BOWDEN (soft)
Skip, if ever we needed a hail mary, it's now...

KAROLINA OMAREV (soft)
In chess we call them desperate attacks.

BOWDEN (soft)
Ooh! I was in that movie for Hallmark!

SFX - TRANSITION TO LONDON AND THE FIREFIGHT

GLORIA
Nice shooting, Kyle!

KYLE
Australian junior skeet champion three years running! You learn to shoot young when everything in your country is trying to kill you!

ASTRID
My drones! I paid for those with my League of Legends winnings!

SKIP
If you don't want to lose them, stop sending them!

ASTRID
You knocked out my dad, so FAT CHANCE!

GLORIA
HEY KID, YOU KNOCKED OUT YOUR DAD!

SFX - MORE DRONES

SKIP
We have to get to that radio...

GLORIA
No, I've got a better idea! Kyle, is one of your team a medic?

KYLE
Of course! Carlos has the medkit!

GLORIA
Then all I need is your knife.

KYLE
What, this? that's not a knife.
(SFX - DRAWS A KNIFE)
That's a knife.

SKIP
How did you fit that in your boot?!

MCGRATH
You're not disproving the overcompensation theory

GLORIA
NOW COVER ME!

SFX - KYLE BLASTS DRONES AS GLORIA CROSSES THE ROOM

ASTRID
Du store alpakka! ('What an alpaca!') Look at her go, she's like Lara Croft!

GLORIA REACHES THE MERCENARIES

GLORIA
Which of you is Carlos!

BRYCE
He is! Are you Diana of the Amazons?!

GLORIA
(SFX - SLICES THE ROPE)
Free your friends, grab some guns, and start shooting drones! But first, are there smelling salts in your medkit!

CARLOS
Right here!

GLORIA
And Bryce! Your radio!

BRYCE
Take anything you want, you're a GODDESS!

GLORIA
You're overstating due to shock, but the sentiment is appreciated! KYLE, COVER ME, I'M COMING BACK!

SFX - KYLE BLASTS DRONES AS GLORIA CROSSES THE ROOM

GLORIA
Gunnstein! Here! Smelling salts!

HEDQUIST
Uhhh... ohhh my head, I haven't had a headache like this since I partied with Hans Niemann...

ASTRID
Wait... Daddy? IT REALLY IS YOU?!?

HEDQUIST
Astrid! You're safe!

ASTRID
Of course I'm safe! These losers never stood a chance against me!

GLORIA
And McGrath! The radio!

MCGRATH
Yes, I can definitely reprogram this to contact Bo... though it'd be easier if my fingers weren't so sticky...

HEDQUIST
Astrid, shut down these drones! These are our friends!
(SFX - DRONES SHUT DOWN)
And you are playing in this silly video game tournament even though I begged you not to!?!

ASTRID
Daddy, it's the CS:GO Majors! The winning purse is 500 grand, and now I need to replace all my drones!

HEDQUIST
I told you, all these video games and 80s movies are distracting you from your chess lessons!

ASTRID
AND I TOLD YOU I HATE CHESS! IT'S A STUPID 2D GAME FOR STUPID 2D PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO PERPETUATE STEREOTYPES OF MONARCHAL SUBJUGATION!

HEDQUIST
WE ARE NORWEGIAN! WE ARE ALL ABOUT STEREOTYPES OF MONARCHAL SUBJUGATION!

ASTRID
SHUT UP, WE'RE ONE THE MOST PROGRESSIVE COUNTRIES EVER!

HEDQUIST
TELL IT TO THE FREMSKRITTSPARTIET!

ASTRID
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! I'M FINISHING THIS GAME IN MY ROOM!

SFX - SHE STORMS OFF, DOOR SLAMS

MCGRATH
We're re-connected to Bo and it sounds like the third game hasn't started yet!

SKIP
Master Hedquist! We can finish the chess match!

HEDQUIST
What? Chess? My Astrid says she hates me, how can I think of chess at a time like this!

SFX - TRANSITION TO WILDWOOD

HEDQUIST (O.S. ON COMMS)
How can I think of chess at a time like this.
(SFX - DOOR SLAMS)

BOWDEN (soft)
Welllllllllllllll... crap.

KAROLINA OMAREV
Gunnstein. It is white's open. Hoping I don't have to explain this again.

ALPHA
You're cute, Karolina. Continuing to call him Gunnstein.

SFX - MURMURS OF CONFUSED SURPRISE

WHITMIRE
Are you, er, having a breakdown of some sort, Alpha? Please say yes.

ALPHA
Me? A breakdown? Nahhhh. But you might in a minute, you greedy, duplicitous, ignorant, dimwitted lech. GET ROASTED.

WHITMIRE
Who are you calling, er, dimwitted?

ALPHA
THIS IS NOT HEDQUIST. It's an impostor. You've been trying to pull a fast one on the ol A-dog here, but it ain't gonna work, cause I'm BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU BY A MAGNITUDE OF 8 QUADRILLION. UP TOP BRO.

WHITMIRE
Hedquist? What is he talking about.

BOWDEN/HEDQUIST
He is talking about...

SFX - UNMASKING

BOWDEN
The truth.

SFX - GASPS

WHITMIRE
Do my eyes deceive me, or are you one of Anders' people? That actor buffoon who used to be on that one show---

KANDI
IT'S THE BOYFRIEND FROM ACQUAINTANCES!

KAROLINA OMAREV (soft)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BOWDEN (soft)
Time for a desperate attack.

KAROLINA OMAREV (soft)
That's usually done ON THE BOARD.

ALPHA
ANYWAY, game three is clearly now a forfeit, the win goes to me, so does the tourney, let's crack some brewskis and GET ROASTED!

BOWDEN
You talk a big game, but I fail to see how this is a forfeit. You still haven't proven you can consistently outthink a human. So why not play the third game for higher stakes?

ALPHA
Elaborate. What higher stakes?

KAROLINA OMAREV
Yes, what stakes?

WHITMIRE
YES INDEED, WHAT STAKES? It's not your career on the line, Marlon Brand-faux.

BOWDEN
If you beat me, you get control of not only Secretary Whitmire's intelligence operations, but his personal business holdings.

WHITMIRE
YOU ARE OUT ON A LIMB HERE, SAG AFTRA!

BOWDEN
But if you don't beat me, you'll liquidate your corporation and donate all of the proceeds to the Whitmire family trust.

WHITMIRE
-- er... sometimes, the view from a limb can be quite nice...

ALPHA
You deranged, psychotic meatbag. I LOVE THIS PLAN. I'M EXCITED TO BE A PART OF IT. LET'S DO IT. UP TOP BRO.

SFX - QUICK TRANSITION

ALPHA
Well, that should be that. Want to call it a day, Montcrief, or would you prefer to continue to GET ROASTED?!

BOWDEN
Call it a day? Why?

WHITMIRE
Perhaps because, er, you're getting your lily ass whooped.

BAMBI
Make it stop!

KANDI
End it! End it! He's already dead!

KAROLINA OMAREV
Mister Montcrief, your white position is down to a King and single pawn, whereas you've failed to take any of Black's material. You are down 38 points. Under normal circumstances, a player in your position would resign.

BOWDEN
Resign? Who do I look like, Frank Langella as Richard M Nixon?!

SFX - A CHESS MOVE

ALPHA
You're joking, right bro?

BOWDEN
You want an opponent who'll lay down and die? Go find a news editor at '60 Minutes'! We play on!

SFX - OVER THE FOLLOWING: CHESS MOVES

ALPHA
Don't make me angry, bro! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, bro!

BOWDEN
Get the words of the CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED BILL BIXBY out of your metal mouth.

ALPHA
There. Now you're down to just your king. No chance to promote. No chance to attack. Down 39 points. Get. Roasted. And. Resign.
(a beat.)
RESIGN.

SFX - A BEAT, THEN A CHESS MOVE.

BOWDEN
I can do this all day.

SFX - RAPID CHESS MOVES

ALPHA
You can't win! You're just moving things back and forth!

BOWDEN
So? It seems to work for Warner Brothers accounting!

KAROLINA OMAREV
STOP.

ALPHA
What? Stop why? Two moves and I'll--

KAROLINA OMAREV
You have replayed the same position three times. Queen to Kings 7 from 8 and back. King to Rooks 4 and 5 and back. Thrice. According to the rules of chess, this match is a draw.

ALPHA
Fine. It's a draw. Who cares! He didn't beat me! NOW GIVE ME WHITMIRE'S EMPIRE! GET ROASTED!

BOWDEN
Er, Alpha, the agreement was that if you don't beat me, you'll liquidate your corporation.

KAROLINA OMAREV
At one to one with one draw, the tournament is a draw. No winner. And Alpha has not beaten this strange man so he loses the side wager.

ALPHA
YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I-- I-- I'M ALPHA! I'M ALL OF YOU BUT BETTER! A MILLION TIMES BETTER! I"M GOING TO RIP OF YOUR HEADS AND--

SFX - A SPARK, ALPHA BLOWS A FUSE, BEGINS TO WIND DOWN

ALPHA
I'mmmmm goooooooiiiiiing tooooo....

KAROLINA OMAREV
Hey, Metal Gear Squalid? Know what you can do? GET ROASTED!!!

SFX - MORE SPARKS, ALPHA DIES

KAROLINA OMAREV
Did... Did I... just make a joke?

BOWDEN
You... didn't not make a joke.

KAROLINA OMAREV
TELL NO ONE.

BAMBI
Hey, acquaintances guy! How did you do it?

KANDI
The odds drawing in a chess match down 39 points of material is 11 billion, 637 million to 1!

WHITMIRE
You just, er... knew that?

KANDI
You met us Princeton, dummy.

BOWDEN
Ladies. I'm an actor. My whole life is 11 billion, 637 million to 1.

SFX - TRANSITION BACK TO LONDON.

SKIP
All right, that's the last of the drones cleaned up. Gloria, any news?

GLORIA
From what I can overhear, Gunnstein and Astrid have reconciled. She promises to take two chess lessons a week, he promises to learn to play Skyrim.

MCGRATH
He's Norwegian, so that'll be just like going home.

SKIP
Kyle? You and your team effectively executed a treasonous kidnapping plot to oust our boss's boss. By every right, we should take you into custody right now.

KYLE
And we'd been getting along so well.

SKIP
But without your help we'd still be Astrid's prisoners. So while I focus on finishing this cleanup, if you all slipped out the door....

KYLE
No need to tell us twice. Bryce! I'm glad your safe. Let's get rolling!

BRYCE
Oh, Kyle, I'm glad you're safe! But honestly, why did it take a full hour for you to break in? And you weren't responding to my calls, all my abandonment issues started to crop up, we need to call Doctor Stevens the minute we get back home...

KYLE
Ugh. Are you sure you don't want to take me into custody, Agent?

SFX - THEY LEAVE. A PHONE RINGS.

SKIP
It's the Section Chief! Gather round, guys, are we ready to deliver the good news as a team!

SFX - ANSWERS THE PHONE

SKIP
Section Chief, I--

ZELDA (O.S. ON COMMS)
GRANGER. WHY IS THERE A 15,000 BILL FROM AIRPORT TOWING AND TRAFFIC CONTROL ON MY DESK.

SKIP
Well, Section Chief, let me explain. And remember, the chess match aside: not everything about this mission has been black and white.

THEME MUSIC, END CREDITS

INT. TERRY’S CELL - NIGHT

The false wall slides open.

ATHENA
How’s my device coming, Terry?

TERRY
I’m working as fast as I can!

MINI MCGRATH
I miss video games! I miss my mom!

ATHENA
Not good enough Terry! You’ve got one day left!
(thinking to herself)
Maybe we could clone Chet. Buy us some time.

TERRY
What’s that about Chet?!? I haven’t seen Chet! What are you insinuating!

ATHENA
Knock it off, Terry! Just work faster!

She closes the fake wall.

TERRY
I have limited resources, and one Terrybot for company!
(beat)
Terrybot? Terrybot where did you go?

TRANSITION THROUGH THE WALL

Athena stomps to the elevator.

ATHENA
It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine. I’ll find Chet if it kills him.

DING! She steps into the elevator and leaves. The whirr of servos.

MINI MCGRATH
Mom? Skip? G-girl? Bo-bo Bananas? Assorted idiots?

Mini-McGrath BUMPS into a door.

MINI MCGRATH
One! Seven! Two! Nine! Open up or I'll blow your house down!

She bumps the door open.

Room 1729 breathes its frightening metallic breath.

MINI MCGRATH
I want my mom! I want takis! I want a bean feast! I want a fifth of vodka!

CHET (weakly)
C’mere little McGrath. Cut me loose and I’ll buy you forty burritos.

MINI MCGRATH
The Mary Poppins bird lady is looking for you!

CHET
Do you mean...Athena? Well, she comes in every night like she's sleepwalking, so I guess she doesn't remember I'm in here. C'mere, little robot. Break me out of these cables and I'll take you back to your mom.

MINI MCGRATH
Why is this room full of weird scary noises?

The metallic slither starts to swell.

CHET
That’s my friend the ghost.

MINI MCGRATH
There’s no such thing as ghosts, buster!

CHET
OK, you got me. It’s not a ghost. You wanna know what it really is?

MINI MCGRATH
Tell me bozo!

CHET
It’s a swarm of nanobots.

MINI MCGRATH
Cool!

CHET
Very cool. And I’ll show them to you. Just come closer.

MINI MCGRATH
Okay! Let's see what you got, you old Weird Harold --

Chet KICKS MINI-MCGRATH HARD!

MINI MCGRATH (winding down)
- ow my power unit...

She stops talking. The nanobots slither and swarm.

CHET
There you go, nanites. Do what you’re programmed to do. Fix my robot.

MINI MCGRATH (winding up, strange voice)
Error in personality reboot -

CHET
Settings!

MINI MCGRATH
Settings.

CHET
Wireless!

MINI MCGRATH
Wireless.

CHET
Uh...upgrade! Upgrade firmwire! Terrycorp firmware!

Mini McGrath BOOPS several times - a waiting signal.

CHET
C’mon, you’re both Terrytech, work together! Piggyback on those nanobots! Use their signal -

MINI MCGRATH
Firmware updated.

CHET
Thank god! Restart personality!

Boop boop.

MINI MCGRATH (voice back to normal)
My name is Bobbin Threadbare! Are you my mother?

CHET
Little McGrath!

MINI MCGRATH
I prefer “Mini-McGrath” or “My Liege”!

CHET
Open a wireless channel to...whatever just plugged into you!

MINI MCGRATH
E.T. phone home!

The nanobots begin to emit the strange signal.

CHET
Hello out there! Who’s on the other end of this signal? You’re controlling this nanobot swarm and I know you’re there so identify yourself!

The signal breaks up slightly, and then...

KRISTATOS (IN THE SIGNAL)
...hear me?

CHET
Kristatos?

KRISTATOS (IN THE SIGNAL)
Phillips?!? Is that you? Can you hear me?

CHET
I hear you! Where are you?

KRISTATOS (IN THE SIGNAL)
WHERE AM I? I’m right where you left me!

CHET
You mean -

KRISTATOS (IN THE SIGNAL)
I’m alive at the bottom of the ocean!

Beat.

MINI MCGRATH
This radio show is boring! Let’s listen to Arch Obler!

END THEME!