Season Six, Episode Eleven: “Skipping Doors”
Transcript
INT. UNDER THE SEA
Bubbles float lazily as we descend.
We hear faint voices...like ghosts...
ADMIRAL
Trixie...join me in the deep...forever...
ATHENA
GET...OFF...ME...YOU...
A FLASH, and we’re BACK IN THE NANOTUNNEL, our gang fighting for their lives against the -
ATHENA
CLONE!
ADMIRAL
Remember...
Suddenly, the flash of a KNIFE. The ADMIRAL CRIES OUT IN PAIN!
ATHENA
Dad?
KRISTATOS
You will never touch her again, Fletcher.
The Admiral rises back up and grabs onto Kristatos!
CHET
Grab him!
ATHENA
Get off my dad, you clone!
MCGRATH
Kristatos get back in the tube!
KRISTATOS
There is no time! Cut it loose!
ATHENA
No, Dad!
KRISTATOS
Athena...be good.
The KNIFE RINGS OUT AGAIN...
ATHENA
DAD DON’T!
...and Kristatos SLICES THE TUBE!
Kristatos TUMBLES BACKWARDS as the SEA POURS IN!
KRISTATOS
Goodbye, Athena...
And then...
...the TWANG of the nanobots. The water subsides.
KRISTATOS
What? What has happened...
The low THRUM of the NANOBOTS.
ADMIRAL (dying)
We...survive....Kristatos...
KRISTATOS
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Why will you not die?
ADMIRAL
The nanobots have sealed us in. We will remain here forever, together.
KRISTATOS
At least until our food and air run out.
ADMIRAL
Until such a time, I shall regale you with mighty tales of undersea conquest! Sit right down and you’ll hear a tale! A tale of -
Kristatos picks up a METAL PIPE.
A sickening SPLAT, and the Admiral stops talking.
KRISTATOS
At least I will have quiet.
He SPITS on the Admiral’s corpse. He sits down, tired.
The nanobots WHIRR to life.
KRISTATOS
What are you doing, little robots beasties? Get away from him!
Kristatos GASPS as the Admiral SUCKS IN A BREATH!
ADMIRAL(weak)
I live!
KRISTATOS
Are those robots...repairing you, Fletcher? Has your cloned body become so infected by the robots that they can rebuild your very brain?
ADMIRAL
They are my loyal minions! I have become one with them, and they will become one with the -
SPLAT.
KRISTATOS
I will kill you a thousand times if I must.
MUSIC, slow but a little jaunty.
MISSION VOICE
Day one.
The nanobots swarm over the Admiral. Kristatos hauls metal around the wreck.
ADMIRAL
Attempting to repair the air scrubbers, eh, Kristatos? It’s too bad you don’t have a swarm of nanobots to help you -
SPLAT.
KRISTATOS
Shut up, please. You’re using up the air.
He goes back to hauling metal.
MISSION VOICE
Day four.
The nanobots swarm, while Kristatos digs.
ADMIRAL
Playing in the dirt, old bean?
KRISTATOS
Planting.
ADMIRAL
Planting what?
KRISTATOS
My jacket is made from authentic potato seed.
ADMIRAL
Oh, Kristatos! Do you honestly believe you can survive long enough to be rescued -
SPLAT
KRISTATOS
We will never leave this place. My only pleasure is that you will never touch Athena again.
He keeps planting.
MISSION VOICE
Day thirty-two.
ADMIRAL
What a mighty crop you have raised, Kristatos! Perhaps we could go into business together! I know some sting ray investors who would -
SPLAT.
KRISTATOS
No thanks.
MISSION VOICE
Day seventy-six.
ADMIRAL
Happy birthday to you! Happy -
SPLAT.
KRISTATOS
My birthday is in September, idiot.
MISSION VOICE
Day one hundred twelve.
ADMIRAL
Kristatos, your great grey beard reminds me of that of my grandpappy Methuselah! What a mighty beard that man could grow -
SPLAT.
KRISTATOS
Thank you.
MISSION VOICE
Day two hundred and forty-five.
ADMIRAL
Baby whale...baby whale...
KRISTATOS
You are really trying to get murdered today, aren’t you?
ADMIRAL
Mommy whAAAAAALLLEE
The MUSIC dies. Something is very wrong with the Admiral’s voice - too mechanical, too full of static.
KRISTATOS
Fletcher. Fletcher what are those nanoterrors doing? Stop it!
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
...identify yourself!
KRISTATOS
What? Who was that? Was that a radio signal? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
Kristatos?
KRISTATOS
Phillips?!? Is that you? Can you hear me?
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
I hear you! Where are you?
KRISTATOS
WHERE AM I? I’m right where you left me!
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
You mean -
KRISTATOS
I’m alive at the bottom of the ocean!
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
How is that possible?
MINI MCGRATH (IN THE STATIC)
This radio show is boring! Let’s put on Arch Obler!
KRISTATOS
WHO IS THAT NOW?
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
Never mind her, tell me how you survived!
KRISTATOS
I grew potatoes for air and food! No one but I, the Potato King, could have hatched such a brilliant method of survival-
CHET (IN THE STATIC)
Oh, like in The Martian.
KRISTATOS
What?
CHET
Like that movie The Martian where Matt Damon stays alive on Mars by growing potatoes. You’ve seen that movie?
KRISTATOS
No!
CHET
Read the book?
KRISTATOS
Phillips I don’t know what you are talking about but you must listen to me! Athena is safe? You all made it to the surface?
CHET
Well, surface, yes! Safe - Athena’s in kinda bad shape.
KRISTATOS
What?!? What is wrong with her?
CHET
The nanobots got into her head somehow! Somehow they’re messing with her mind and making her do something.
KRISTATOS
...the nanobots have been infecting Athena’s mind...for a year?
CHET
Yeah but table that for a minute, we need to help each other!
Kristatos picks up the metal pipe.
ADMIRAL
Easy now, Kristatos!
CHET
Who’s there with you?
KRISTATOS
Fletcher, you have controlled the nanobots. You have been trying to control Athena.
CHET
Wait is that Admiral clone STILL ALIVE? How is that possible -
KRISTATOS
He has been reduced to a pile of mutated human parts and cybernetics. And he is about to be reduced even further.
CHET
Kristatos, wait! We might need him!
ADMIRAL
This is a misunderstanding, Kristatos! Athena has been helping me work towards a glorious Purpose! The results of which will benefit us all! Surely you can’t fault me for that!
KRISTATOS
You’ve hidden this for a year?
ADMIRAL
I’m telling you now! Come, old bean! Won’t you join me and make all of our fondest desires come true?
KRISTATOS
...rejected.
CHET
Kris, wait!
Kristatos swings the pipe. SPLAT!
MUSIC: THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Skipping Doors.
INT. EARTH-1 EMF HQ HALLWAY - MORNING - 2026
The elevator descends to the EMF level. It dings as the door opens. Skip and McGrath walk out, mid-conversation.
MCGRATH
...I’m just saying I miss those pigmy pigs so much!
SKIP
I hear you. That’s why I renamed all the pigs on my Stardew Valley farm after them. Virtual Liza Spamelli is better than no Liza Spamelli at all.
MCGRATH (Offering a snack)
Snacking Bacon?
SKIP
Please. But let’s hurry up - if we don’t get to requisitions on time, you know Stefan is going to give me something three sizes too small again.
They munch.
MCGRATH
Where the hell is the requisitions office? Are you sure we’re on the right floor?
SKIP
Sub-basement C! My favorite of all the EMF sub-basements! The floor is a half tone lighter shade of grey than the other sub-basements. I find it very soothing.
MCGRATH
Why are all the EMF buildings so hard to navigate? This one is even worse than the old HQ.
SKIP
They’re specifically designed to disorient. Back when we kept prisoners on site, the idea was to prevent them from learning the layout or find an easy exit if they escaped.
MCGRATH
And how did that work out?
SKIP
They escaped.
MCGRATH
Yeah. I’m very glad we don’t have a prison any more. Even if it does mean I have one less place to nap.
SKIP
You know, when I came in to interview for my first job at the EMF, I couldn’t find my way to Section Chief Anders’ office! Can you imagine what would have happened if I’d gone in the wrong door? Our lives could be totally different.
SFX: Multi-verse jump
INT. EARTH-2 OLD EMF HALLWAY - 2014
SKIP
Hmm...I wish these doors were labeled. Well, it must be this one.
Skip opens the door into...
INT. EARTH-2 CHET’S OFFICE - 2014 - CONTINUOUS
CHET
WHO SENT YOU?
SKIP
Uh...HR?
CHET
A likely story!
Chet leaps across the desk and tackles Skip!
SKIP
Ahhh!
CHET
You’re one of Kristatos’s goons aren’t you!?!
SKIP
I’m not a goon!
CHET (Putting Skip in a headlock)
What does that old potato farmer want?
SKIP
I don’t know what you’re talking about!? I’m supposed to interview for a job...
CHET
Oh! Oh! Sorry, little buddy. You probably want the Section Chief. She’s next door. You...okay?
SKIP
Yeah. I just landed on my keys.
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-1 EMF HQ HALLWAY - 2026
MCGRATH
Oh please, walking in the wrong door would have like ZERO effect in the big picture. You would have found the right office eventually.
SKIP
But the butterfly effect!
MCGRATH
Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah. I’m telling you, the only way you’d see seismic shifts in the timeline is if you alter a keystone event.
SKIP
Oh, like...what if Bowden’s sitcom hadn’t been canceled?
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-3 NEWS STUDIO - 2084
HOLOGRAM NEWSCASTER CONNIE
Here’s the holo-news for today, September 1, 2084. The entire world mourns the loss of beloved actor Bowden Montcrief, who died today at the age of 101. Best remembered for his role as “boyfriend” on the sitcom Acquaintances, which, after a rocky start, ran for twenty seasons and earned Montcrief 15 Emmys. He’s also known for Bowden-O’s, a sustainable breakfast cereal that all but ended hunger in third world countries, earning Montcrief the Nobel Peace Prize, as well as a Grammy for its catchy jingle. He is survived by his fourteen sons, all named Bowden Montcrief, and his seventh wife, Lindsay Lohan.
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-1 EMF HQ HALLWAY - SAME
MCGRATH
No, no, no. Look, as much Gwyneth Paltrow wants us to believe that missing a train or going in the wrong door will dramatically alter our lives, the fact is those little butterfly effect moments are hardly ever felt. It would take something BIG to change a timeline.
SKIP
Like you never being caught and forced to join the EMF?
MCGRATH
Well, your life would be a LOT less cool and exciting, but don’t you think it would basically be the same? YOU’D still be at the EMF. Bowden and Gloria, too. Z would have found someone else to fill my place.
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-4 EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - 2019
SFX: Beeps and boops from a different timeline.
ZELDA
I can’t believe how quickly the world has turned against El Pato. The people of San Otre Parte have taken to the streets and a democratic revolution is at hand.
SKIP
It was a team effort, chief, but we couldn’t have done it with our star hacker...Caterer S. Dear!
CATERER S. DEAR
Turns out hacking a computer is less complicated than creating a menu for the Kardashians that doesn’t involve dino nuggets.
GLORIA
Three cheers for Caterer!
BOWDEN
Our hero!
BOWDEN/GLORIA/ZELDA
Hip hip hooray!
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-1 EMF HQ HALLWAY - SAME
SKIP
I don’t want to live in a world where we’re not best friends, colleagues, and roommates! It wouldn’t be the same!
MCGRATH
Like I said. Less cool but similar.
SKIP
Alright, Geordi LaForge, what do YOU think it would take to alter history? Kill Hitler? Napoleon? That monkey from 2001?
MCGRATH
Well, sure - but let’s not go world changing. Let’s just look at us. What would it take for our lives to change significantly? Well...how did we both end up as EMF agents?
SKIP
Because Chet Phillips rejected a mission.
MCGRATH
And why did Chet Phillips reject that mission?
SKIP
Because he hates Ohio.
MCGRATH
Well, okay, yes, but beyond that -
SKIP
He was being manipulated by The Admiral and the Oceanologists.
MCGRATH
Exactly. So, the first thing you’d have to do is figure out what made The Admiral The Admiral...and good luck with that.
SKIP
But it wasn’t The Admiral! Athena was pulling the strings the whole time. Funding the Ocean Bureau, luring a cavalcade of criminals on to the ship, stealing Chet’s mission tapes...real super villain stuff!
MCGRATH
That’s it! That’s it exactly! If Athena had never become a villain, The Admiral doesn’t come to power, Chet doesn’t reject a mission, we never meet...hell, maybe the EMF doesn’t even exist.
SKIP
(Terrified gasp)
MCGRATH
And Athena’s journey to super villainy began when her mother was unjustly gunned down by a secret government operation. Yup, basically everything we’ve been through from the day we met until this very moment is because J.J. Prescott killed Athena’s mom.
SKIP
You mean everything I have to be thankful for, everything I love about my life, is down to a woman’s murder? I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it!
MCGRATH
But think about it! How different would our lives be if that had never happened?
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
EXT. EARTH-5 DOCKS - 2009
SFX: Water laps across the docks. The call of a gull. A burst of static.
PRESCOTT
This is Agent Prescott. The spud is in sight.
AGENT SKINNER (ON COMMS)
Wait for the exchange to go down and then take him.
A short distance away, we hear the O’Brien’s approaching.
KRISTATOS
Athena, don’t doddle! We are going to be late!
ATHENA
You own the boat, dad. What are they going to do, leave without you? I don’t think so.
KRISTATOS
That is not the point. Gah. Marina, can you deal with your daughter, please!?!
MARINA
Athena is right. It’s not like anyone would dare cross the Potato King of Crime.
KRISTATOS
Except my wife and daughter. Hurry up, you two.
PRESCOTT (To himself)
Damnit. Get your family on that boat, you aging tater tot.
ATHENA
I don’t understand why we have to take this smelly potato boat when we could take a yacht!
KRISTATOS
When it is YOUR boat you can do with it what you will. But it is MY boat and if it is good enough for potatoes, it is good enough for my family. Now, get on board!
SFX: Footsteps running up. It’s our beloved Bryce.
BRYCE
Mr. O’Brien, sorry to be late. My new boyfriend Kyle got me the cutest Girotti monk strap sneakers and I just couldn’t decide what to pair with them!
KRISTATOS
Go to the boat, Marina. I have some business with this gentlemen before we depart.
MARINA
Come on, Athena. Most of the boat may smell like potatoes, but lounge is fresh as a daisy, and your father keeps a well stocked bar.
SFX: Athena and Marina go on the boat.
BRYCE
My, don’t you have a lovely family.
KRISTATOS
My family is none of your concern. Do you have the item?!?
PRESCOTT
Finally.
BRYCE
Alright, alright. You wouldn’t believe how difficult this crystal was to get ahold of! I mean, I guess that’s good, because in the wrong hands, it could be a deadly weapon -
KRISTATOS
It is an anniversary present for my wife.
BRYCE
Aww, that’s sweet. But, uh, does she know its radioactive?
KRISTATOS
Yes. She is always asking me to try and take over the world. So I’m going to build her the death laser she’s been asking for since our first date.
PRESCOT
That’s all I needed. Say bye bye, Kristatos.
MARINA (IN THE DISTANCE)
Kris?
SFX: Footsteps running down the dock.
PRESCOTT
What is this? What is she doing?
MARINA
Kris...Kristatos, honey, I forgot my purse in the car...
KRISTATOS
You did not leave your purse. I am HOLDING your purse. Like I am always holding your purse!
MARINA
Well give it here, I need to tip the purser...oh my God, is that a radioactive crystal for a death laser!??! Kris, you remembered!
KRISTATOS
AAAH, you’ve ruined the surprise!
AGENT SKINNER (ON COMMS)
TAKE THE SHOT!
Prescott hems and haws heavily but then -
ATHENA (APPROACHING)
Mom, Paddy won’t make me a Seven-and-Seven until we’re in international waters. Can we please GO!?!
PRESCOTT
Abort. Repeat. Operation Hestia is an abort. We can’t risk hurting the wife and kid. Circle back at the rendez-vous.
AGENT SKINNER (ON COMMS)
You’re gonna catch hell for this.
PRESCOTT
It’s my call. I’ll take the hit.
KRISTATOS
AHH! This is why you cannot have nice things. On to the boat, everyone!
BRYCE
So, you gonna buy this death crystal or what?
ATHENA
I want a death crystal!
KRISTATOS
No you do not! Annoying man, go away. You services are not required.
BRYCE
Ugh, you sound just like my father.
MARINA
But I wanted a death laser! You used to be fun.
MUSIC OR SOUND - TIME PASSING
INT. EARTH-5 EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - 2019
SFX: Bleeps. Bloops. Several people are getting settled around the conference room.
ZELDA
Alright, let’s have a little quiet people. As you all know, ten years ago, Federal Bureau of Investigation Special Agent JJ Prescott was tasked with heading an inter-agency operation to take down crime lord Kristatos O’Brien. He failed in his mission, choosing not to endanger the life of O’Brien’s wife, Marina. He paid a steep price for this failure. However, it was this act of compassion that first brought him to my attention and, after many years under my wing, I’m proud to name Jericho Jefferson “J.J.” Prescott the new Section Chief of the EMF.
Applause from around the room.
PRESCOTT
Thank you, First Lady Anders. It’s beyond an honor that you and President Rose have chosen me to lead this storied organization. I won’t let you down.
ZELDA
I know you won’t. And Pat and I expect you for dinner in the residence on Saturday. Bring a date. Alright, good luck. I’ve got to go read “My Two Moms and Me” to Congress.
SFX: Zelda leaves.
PRESCOTT
Alright, first day of school. Let’s go around the room and do introductions.
KENNY
The name’s Kenny. Agent first class. I’m the one who closed the Whitman case.
PRESCOTT
Oh yes. Excellent work.
ANASTASIA
By BOTH of us. Agent First Class Anastasia, Section Chief. Without whom, Agent Kenny never would have identified those rare wool fibers that proved so vital in cracking the case.
PRESCOTT
Of course. Your work precedes you, agent.
LARRY
Hiiii, Larry Hastings, Bass-Baritone. EMF Contractor. Man of a thousand voices and a master of disguise. I also host Comedy Sportz at McMenniman’s Pub on Tuesday nights. Mention my name for half off Wing Dings.
SFX: The door opens
STUDEBAKER
Sorry I’m late. Do you know none of these doors are labeled?
PRESCOTT
And you are?
STUDEBAKER
Dr. Biff Studebaker, representing all of Scientific Services. The whole gang would have come by but Karol’s injected everyone with experimental brain compound - and you know what THOSE days are like.
PRESCOTT
And you’re, what, the control subject?
STUDEBAKER
ME? Oh no, I got the highest dose of all, but it seems to have no effect whatsoever. Karol says I’m either a miracle of nature or a freak of science.
PRESCOTT
Well, come on in, we’re just doing introductions.
STUDEBAKER
Thanks, but I already know everyone. Carey Grant, Ann Miller, Casey Kasem...oh, but I found this tall glass of water wandering the halls. Get in here, Bob Denver.
FITZ
Hi everybody! I’m your new graduate fellow! My name is Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.
PRESCOTT
That’s quite a mouthful!
LARRY
Have you considered a stage name? Something zippier? Maybe Maurice Micklewhite?
KENNY
I think we can all remember a simple name. What’s so hard about Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne?
ANASTASIA
Exactly! Already committed to memory.
KENNY
Prove it.
ANASTASIA
You prove it!
KENNY
Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.
ANASTASIA
Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.
KENNY
Robert Fitzpivetz-Llellwellyn-Montague-Gwynne.
PRESCOTT
Okay, okay! Good exercise everybody. Why don’t we just call you...Fitz?
FITZ
Well, I prefer Robbie.
KENNY
Can I get a refill on my coffee, Fitz?
FITZ
Yes, sir, Agent Kenny, sir!
PRESCOTT
My roster indicates there should be two more agents...
ANASTASIA
Two? Agent Phillips is in the field but that’s it.
KENNY
Typical of the boys upstairs to not know how many of us are down here keeping them alive.
ANASTASIA
Well, boys can’t count, so that tracks. But in case you’ve forgotten, we have a WOMAN president now!
KENNY
Like you’d let me forget.
LARRY
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
ANASTASIA
Anyway, this is everyone. There’s lots of other contractors but they’re all hired on a case by case basis. Larry’s only here because I think he’s been living in super max.
LARRY
Just until mother apologizes.
PRESCOTT
Well, the papers also indicate a Special Agent Third Class...Skip Granger?
SKIP
Hello!
Everyone gasps!
LARRY
DEMON!
KENNY
Jesus! Where the hell did you come from?
SKIP
Um, I’ve been here since you came in. Well, since fifteen minutes before you came in. Early is on time and on time is too late!
ANASTASIA
Oh! You’re the pass codes guy, right?
SKIP
Yes, that’s right. I’d actually love this opportunity to review password and code procedures. We’ve been a little slack, but my daily bulletin...
PRESCOTT
Right. But uh, who can tell me about Agent Phillips? What mission is he on?
KENNY
The same mission he’s always on.
SFX: TRANSITION
EXT. EARTH-5 SS RUSSET DECK - DAY
SFX: The ships’s smoke stack blows.
KRISTATOS
Of all the asinine, irritating, foolish things I’ve had to deal with today, this is the worst of all. WHERE IS CHET PHILLIPS?
SFX: Footsteps running up.
CHET
I’m right here, you salty old spud.
KRISTATOS
How DARE you speak to me like that? After what you’ve just done to me. I took you on to my ship, into my organization...into my family...and today you betray me?
CHET
Listen, I don’t know who tipped you off or what they’ve been saying...
KRISTATOS
What do you call THIS?
SFX: Kris throws something at Chet, who catches it.
CHET
Umm...a bottle of sparkling mineral water?
KRISTATOS
WHERE IS MY IRISH WHISKEY?
MARINA (APPROACHING)
I made him throw it overboard.
KRISTATOS
You WHAT?
MARINA
I made him throw it overboard.
KRISTATOS
And you listened to her? You work for ME not my wife!
MARINA
But he knows who’s really in charge. Now, don’t be mad at Chet. He was just following my instructions. Athena is bringing her new boyfriend on board today and the last thing I need is for you to go into one of your potcheen fueled tirades.
KRISTATOS
Phillips. Never get married.
CHET
I don’t plan on it, sir.
KRISTATOS
There’s nothing worse than being proven wrong twenty-four hours a day.
MARINA
And there’s nothing better than being the mastermind of a vast criminal empire without having to deal with a hangover.
KRISTATOS
(Grumble)
SFX: The purser’s whistle blows. Footsteps up the gangplank.
MARINA
Oh, they’re here! Athena, darling, come give mommy a hug.
ATHENA
Hello, mummy. Hello, dad.
KRISTATOS
Hello, my little hashbrown.
Hugs all around.
ATHENA
Mother, father, I want you to meet the love of my life...Bowden Montcrief!
BOWDEN
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. O’Brien. It’s an honor to meet you!
MARINA
Say...aren’t you...
ATHENA
Bowden is a famous actor!
BOWDEN
You may remember me from the recent Disney Channel remake of “Darby O’Gill and the Little People”
KRISTATOS
They have remade my favorite motion picture of all time?
BOWDEN
Well, they had to call it “Darby O’Gill and the People of Perfectly Reasonable Stature”, but the bones of it are the same. I play the Sean Connery role in a performance Tom Shales called “shockingly adequate.”
ATHENA
Isn’t he dreamy? We met at Cannes.
KRISTATOS
Athena, you are supposed to be learning the business not attending film festivals!
MARINA
I encouraged her to go. Entertainment is a huge growth area for us.
ATHENA
Diversify or die, dad. Everyone agrees with me. Isn’t that right, Chetty?
CHET
Hello to you too, Athena.
ATHENA
Bo, darling, meet Chester Phillips. He’s my dad’s babysitter.
BOWDEN
Oh?
CHET
I’m your father’s head of security.
ATHENA
Like I said, babysitter. Listen, mom, dad, Bowden and I have big news.
KRISTATOS
If you think you can just waltz on to MY ship and say you are marrying my ONLY CHILD...
BOWDEN
I would never!
KRISTATOS
You would never marry my precious angel?! How dare you insult me and my family? I ought to have you thrown overboard! Phillips - the plank!
ATHENA
Take it easy, dad. We’re not getting married. We’re going to be on a television show!
KRISTATOS
You are an...actress?
BOWDEN
If I may, sir. We have the opportunity to star in a new four-quadrant reality drama series, which we’re tentatively calling “My Big Fat Greek Irish Potato Farm”. It will follow Athena as she tries to balance learning the family business while maintaining a social life...and falling in love. With me!
MARINA
You’re going to be like one of those Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!
KRISTATOS
What the hell are you saying, Marina? We are not from Beverly Hills!
MARINA
Don’t worry about him. The only television your father watches are reruns of Richard Harris movies.
KRISTATOS
I do not understand any of this, but if it will make you happy...
ATHENA
It will make me happy AND it will be good for business.
MARINA
Did I teach her well or what?
BOWDEN
Clearly, she takes after you - in smarts and beauty.
MARINA
Oh, Mr. Montcrief!
KRISTATOS
Alright, alright, enough of this. Let us go to the lounge and discuss this over...sparkling mineral water.
ATHENA
Thank you, daddy. Come on, Bo.
CHET
Actually, could I borrow your boy toy for a moment, Athena? Help me hoist off?
ATHENA
Typical Chetty, always needs a hand doing a man’s work. Don’t keep me waiting too long.
BOWDEN
I wouldn’t dream of it, queen of my kingdom.
The O’Briens head off.
CHET
Montcrief, what are you doing here? Did Zelda send you?
BOWDEN
Zelda is in the White House now - or do you not get newspapers, television or internet out on the open sea?
CHET
Why are you here?
BOWDEN
Because I’m dating Athena O’Brien!
CHET
For real!? This isn’t part of some sting?
BOWDEN
Chet, I dropped out of the EMF ages ago. My talents were totally unappreciated by you, Kenny, the whole bunch! What are you even doing out here, man? I can’t believe you’re STILL hunting Kristatos.
CHET
I’ve almost got what I need to bring his whole empire down...but something is off lately. He’s up to something - you better not mess this up for me!
BOWDEN
And you better not mess things up for ME! I’ve got a great thing going here! Unlike some people, Athena recognizes and adores my talent! I’m happy for the first time in years.
CHET
The only thing Athena appreciates is Athena. Listen, can you get a message to EMF?
BOWDEN
I told you, I don’t do that anymore. You’re their employee!
CHET
I’m in too deep here. The old man is completely paranoid. He’s got eyes on everyone and there’s no way I’d risk electronic communication. Come on, it’s important.
BOWDEN
Alright, alright. I still buy my makeup kits from Stefan in requisitions. I can go through him. What’s the message?
CHET
O’Brien is planning some sort of shady exchange. All I have is a location: The Drip Drop Club.
BOWDEN
Well, I’m sure they’ll just jump all over that juicy tip.
CHET
Look, Kris and Marina have been rocky lately. My guess - he’s working on something big and dangerous to impress her for their anniversary. The last time they hit a rough patch, he tried to build her a death laser. So get that message out.
BOWDEN
I’m not your errand boy!
CHET
No. You’re my partner.
BOWDEN
Every time I think I’m out...they pull me back in!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EARTH-5 EMF SUPER MAX
SFX: A buzzer releases an electronic door. Fitz, Kenny, Anastasia, and Prescott enter.
FITZ
I’ve never worked anywhere with its own prison. Unless you count graduate school. HA! HA!
No one else laughs.
KENNY
Super Max is pretty empty at the moment, but the one we’ve got in there is a real live wire.
PRESCOTT
I saw the file.
ANASTASIA
Homegrown terrorist. She’s been on every agency’s watch list, but we were the ones who caught her with her hand in the cookie jar.
KENNY
Literally. She was trying to destroy the Chips Ahoy factory! Caught her just in time.
SKIP
That’s the way the cookie crumbles!
KENNY/ANASTASIA/PRESCOTT/FITZ
Ahh!
KENNY
Where did you come from!?
SKIP
I came up with you from the conference room!
ANASTASIA
How do you make NO NOISE when you move?
SKIP
I think it’s my orthopedic shoes. I have the arches of an 80-year-old.
PRESCOTT
Alright, well, Fitz, tell requisitions that we should investigate making them standard issue for all field agents. Regardless of the status of their arches.
FITZ
Yes, sir!
ANASTASIA
This is her cell, Section Chief.
PRESCOTT
Open it up.
KENNY
Careful, sir. She...bites.
SFX: Bzzz. The cell door is released.
PRESCOTT
Hello...Miss Kovak.
GLORIA
You’ll never take me alive, pig!
PRESCOTT
Too late for that, slugger.
GLORIA
Aw nuts.
PRESCOTT
Miss Kovak, you are are a real puzzle.
SKIP
Ooo! I love puzzles!
GLORIA
Who’s the square?
SKIP
Hi, Special Agent Third Class Skip Granger, Passcodes and -
SFX: Gloria lunges at Skip!
SKIP
OW! She bit me!
KENNY
I WARNED YOU!
FITZ
You sure did, Agent Kenny, sir!
KENNY
Shut up.
PRESCOTT
Miss Kovak, I can close this door and leave you here in the dark for who knows how long...or you can calm down and cooperate.
GLORIA
I bet you’re Dutch.
PRESCOTT
En trots erop! [And proud of it!] I’m a Slootmaekers on my mother’s side.
GLORIA
I knew it. Alright, clog boy, what do you want?
PRESCOTT
As I said, you’re a puzzle. They say you can pick any lock with nothing but a bobby pin. You leave a wave of destruction everywhere you go - but your targets are what interest me: a toxic waste facility, a puppy mill, a factory using child labor...you’re quite the crusader.
KENNY
Give or take a chocolate chip cookie factory.
GLORIA
They bet you’ll bite a chip in every bite! It’s false advertising AND promoting gambling to children!
ANASTASIA
She’s got a point.
GLORIA
What do you suits want? I haven’t got all day.
PRESCOTT
You are literally our prisoner.
GLORIA
Yeah, but it’s chow time in five minutes and if I’m not there right at the start, Larry eats all the mashed potatoes.
PRESCOTT
Alright, then I’ll make it quick. We’ve just received word through back channels that something nefarious is being planned - and I think you know something about it. Tell me everything I need to know about The Drip Drop Club.
SKIP
Oh my!
PRESCOTT
Agent Third Class Granger?
SKIP
Oh, sorry, sir. It’s just that I’ve been hearing a lot of online chatter about the Drip Drop Club.
ANASTASIA
Since when were you in digital intelligence?
SKIP
Oh, no, I’m not. I’ve just been playing a lot of Among Us. Some of the other players are incredibly well informed.
GLORIA
What makes you think I have anything to do with it?
PRESCOTT
You had an invitation to the grand opening on your person when we caught you.
GLORIA
Aw nuts. Again. That arrived in my Uncle Riley’s mailbox. Which is pretty remarkable, considering he doesn’t have a real address and the mailbox is camouflaged as a poison ivy bush.
ANASTASIA
That would be Riley Kettlebringer. Leads some sort of survivalist cult out in the woods. We’ve never even had eyes on him. Figured he sends his niece here to do his dirty work for him.
GLORIA
Nobody made me do anything I didn’t want to. Anyway, Riley was impressed the message reached him, but he didn’t want to check it out himself. Thought is sounded too Dutch.
ANASTASIA
What is it with you and the Dutch?
GLORIA
It’s a long story. Anyway, anyone resourceful enough to reach Uncle Riley is worth looking into, for good or ill. I was going to head there after the cookie factory, but you meatballs got lucky and caught me.
PRESCOTT
Well, looks like you’ll make that date after all. In exchange for a reduced sentence, you will help the EMF infiltrate the Drip Drop Club and find out what’s going on there.
KENNY
WHAT? You want to send a criminal into the field on an unsanctioned mission?
PRESCOTT
With you and Agent Anastasia supervising her, per EMF guidelines that criminal assets always be accompanied by two field agents.
KENNY
BUT WHY? Because some third rate actor sent a meaningless message from Chet Phillips? That guy hasn’t had a solid lead in years and now we’re gonna take a terrorist to a night club on his word?
ANASTASIA
Kenny.
SKIP
Agent Kenny, if I may, and with all due respect, I wasn’t exaggerating earlier. I’ve met an online gamer who seems INCREDIBLY plugged in to the criminal underworld, and they’ve mentioned the Drip Drop Club opening several times to me. If the hacker community is interested, that club could be a front for a data mining operation, surveillance, maybe even a national security threat.
KENNY
Now I’m taking orders from the Invisible Man? Come on, J.J., you can’t be serious!
PRESCOTT
I’m the Section Chief, Agent Kenny. I want to to try new ways of operating and getting results. I think the EMF could use shaking up.
FITZ
What an inspired idea, Section Chief Prescott, sir!
PRESCOTT
You’ll work with special asset Kovak...or you won’t work at all.
KENNY
Forget it. You can keep this job - I’ve had it. REJECTED. See ya never.
SFX: He storms off.
GLORIA
Well, there goes your brilliant plan. Now we’re a man short.
ANASTASIA
Who needs him!? I can comb through the contractor files, sir. Maybe Archie Grant is available or Cardamom -
FITZ
I’LL DO IT!
ANASTASIA
Excuse me?
FITZ
This is why I wanted to be moved to the EMF! Excitement! Adventure! Really wild things!
SKIP
According to the EMF Handbook, interns are not allowed into the field.
FITZ
I’m a graduate fellow!
GLORIA
SOUNDS DUMB.
PRESCOTT
Fitz, I’m sorry, but I’ll need you here as my point man.
ANASTASIA
I’m still a man short.
PRESCOTT
Agent Granger, congratulations. It’s promotion day.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EARTH-5 SS RUSSET LOUNGE - NIGHT
SFX: Glasses clinking together.
MARINA
To the happy couple!
ATHENA
Aww, thanks, mom.
KRISTATOS
I would like to toast with something stronger than mineral water.
BOWDEN
Maybe I can help you out there, Mr. O’Brien. Are you a whiskey fan? I brought a small flask of Johnny Walker Blue.
KRISTATOS
Now you are speaking my language.
CHET
Hey big spender!
BOWDEN (Through gritted teeth)
A gift from my dear brother Balthazar. He just booked the lead role in the Lord Nero movie and I couldn’t be happier for him.
MARINA
Two famous brothers in one family? Athena, you struck gold.
BOWDEN
Balthazar is more of a polished bronze.
MARINA
Wait, didn’t I read that he’s going to the opening of that new night club...oh, Kris, what’s it called?
KRISTATOS
Why...why would I know that?
MARINA
Because you know these things. It’s something catchy...Splish Splash?
ATHENA
The DRIP DROP Club?
MARINA
Yes, that’s! Oh, we should go there and celebrate you and Bowden!
ATHENA
Oh my God, mom, that is supposed to be the hottest new place ever. Even I can’t snag an invitation...and I’m Athena O’Brien! I’ve got walk-in privileges at Natasha Lyonne’s secret speakeasy inside Chloe Sevigny’s secret speakeasy!
KRISTATOS
Why do we need to go to a noisy club? I have a WHOLE BOAT here!
CHET
A boat with no more booze on it.
KRISTATOS
Gah.
ATHENA
Whatever, it’s fine. We can go some place else. I hear Jonathan Groff has a secret oyster bar in his guest bathroom...
CHET
Oh, come on! You’re Athena O’Brien! You deserve THE BEST. And if Bowden’s brother has an in at the club, I bet he could make a few phone calls. Couldn’t he?
BOWDEN
Can I talk to you over here, Chet?
SFX: Bo pulls Chet to the side.
BOWDEN
What are you doing, man? I already passed your message on. They said they’d investigate. Leave it.
CHET
Bowden, I have been on this boat A LONG TIME. The old man has been planning something and this is the best lead I’ve had in years. I need to be there.
BOWDEN
Man, you cannot see the forest for the trees anymore. Kristatos is here. He doesn’t even know what the Drip Drop Club is!
CHET
He’s crafty! Listen - remember that time I stopped you from joining Allison Mack’s sex cult? Get us in the club and I’ll consider us even.
BOWDEN (Grumbly)
I’ll see what I can do.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
INT. EARTH 5 - THE DRIP DROP CLUB - NIGHT
SFX: A bustling nightclub. (It’s more of a supper club. Don’t blame yourself.) Nautical themed house music.
NEWSCASTER CONNIE
Connie St. Stevens coming to you live from the opening of downtown’s hottest new spot, The Drip Drop Club! Absolutely anyone who’s anyone is expected to be here tonight and we’ll be here bringing to you all LIVE. Let’s head inside.
WALLACE (OVER PA)
Ladies and gentlemen and fish of all genders, the Drip Drop Club is proud to present DJ Tacos on 5th!
SFX: The crowd cheers. The DJ takes the mic...it’s McGrath!
MCGRATH
What’s up, Drip Droppers!?! Let me hear your whale song!
SFX: The crowd makes odd, whale song-like chants.
SFX: The door to the club opens. The EMF team enters.
ANASTASIA
Alright, stay sharp, everyone. Granger, you keep your eyes stuck on Kovak.
SKIP
She’s not going to bite me again, is she?
GLORIA
Oh get it over it, Skip.
SKIP
No real names! From here on out, my name is T.S. Periwinkle and you’re Lolita Crabbington.
ANASTASIA
Where the hell did you come up with those names? No. Your name is Chris, her name is Raquel, and you’ll call me Veronica.
GLORIA
Wait a minute. Weren’t those the names of the characters on Acquaintances? I hated that show.
SKIP
Do I have to be called Chris? I don’t feel like a Chris.
ANASTASIA
But you feel like a T.S. PERIWINKLE!? Never mind, shut up. Let’s get a table.
SFX: They walk up to the hostess stand.
LUCKY
Hi ya! Welcome to the Drip Drop Club! Can I see your invite card, please?
GLORIA
Here you go.
LUCKY
Great. Now I just need a thumbprint for biometrics, please.
GLORIA
What? Why would you need my biometrics!?
ANASTASIA
Would you just DO IT PLEASE?
GLORIA
Fine. I’ll scan my lucky thumb.
SFX: Gloria pulls a chain from under her shirt...with a severed thumb on it! Everyone is grossed out.
SKIP
Why do you have a necklace with a severed thumb on it!?
GLORIA
I told you. It’s my lucky thumb. Uncle Riley lost it building Flush Mountain and gave it to me when I left home.
SFX: BEEP! Gloria scans her thumb.
LUCKY
Thanks!
SKIP
A table for three please, Lucky.
LUCKY
How do you know my name!? Who sent you!?
SKIP
It’s on your name tag.
LUCKY
Oh. OH! Sorry. Table for three, right this way.
SFX: Lucky shows them to a table. They sit.
LUCKY
Here ya go! Menus are on the table. I recommend the Zeerox Zinger! It’s got gin, vodka, and just a splash of squid ink!
GLORIA
EHH.
SKIP
Do you have chocolate milk?
ANASTASIA (Taking charge)
Three Zeerox Zingers, all around.
LUCKY
Great choice. I’ll tell the bartender.
SFX: Lucky goes off.
ANASTASIA
Look at this crowd. It’s a like a who’s who of the criminal underworld. How was this not on our radar sooner? Blend in. Stay observant. If there was that much chatter about this place, who knows who else is going to walk in.
SFX: Back at the front, the door opens.
LUCKY
Welcome to the Drip Drop Club!
CHET
Good evening, Lucky.
LUCKY
Oh no. I’m not fallin’ for that again. I know it’s on my name tag.
KRISTATOS
O’Brien. Party of four.
MARINA
Party of five.
KRISTATOS
What? Oh yes. The actor.
ATHENA
Dad!
BOWDEN
It’s alright. As Emily VanDerWerff said of my appearance in the Will & Grace reboot: I’m “easily forgettable.”
LUCKY
Do you have an invite card? I can’t let anyone in without one.
ATHENA
No. And I’m OFFENDED that we don’t.
SFX: Footsteps approach.
BALTHAZAR
It’s alright, Lucky, they’re with me. Baby brother Bowden!
BOWDEN
Heya, Balthy. Thanks for getting us in. I really appreciate it.
BALTHAZAR
Anything I can do for a poor, struggling artist like you, brother mine. Happy to share my super hero sized success.
BOWDEN
Right. Well, uh, let me introduce you to the gang -
BALTHAZAR
NO NEED! Who amongst the glitterati doesn’t know Athena O’Brien? All of Tinsletown is talking about how you kicked Martin Short into the pool at Château Marmot. Enchanté, ma belle.
BOWDEN
Marty Short!?!?
ATHENA
Well...I thought he was a goblin come to steal my soul. Tell me I’m wrong!
BALTHAZAR
And Mrs. O’Brien, the fact that you are not gracing the cover of Vanity Fair is a crime against beauty and grace!
MARINA
Oh, what a charmer!
KRISTATOS
You found me charming once.
MARINA
Oh, I still do. In your own way.
CHET
Hi. Chet Phillips, Mr. O’Brien’s head of security.
BALTHAZAR
As I once told Spielberg: I don’t talk to the help. The owner has asked me to escort you to a special VIP table. Please, follow me.
SFX: They walk.
MCGRATH
Yo yo, we’ve got celebrities in the house! Walking over into the VIP area, it’s Balthazar Montcrief, star of the upcoming Lord Nero movie!
SFX: Cheers from the crowd.
MCGRATH
And is that the bad girl everybody loves to love, Athena O’Brien, with him?!? Talk about a power couple!
SFX: More cheers.
BOWDEN (Shouting over the cheers)
NO! NO! SHE’S WITH ME! BOWDEN MONTCRIEF! RECURRING GUEST STAR ON ACQUAINTANCES!? ANYONE?
ANASTASIA
Damn it.
GLORIA
What’s the matter?
ANASTASIA
Bowden Montcrief. Used to be an EMF asset. He knows me. Could blow our cover.
SKIP (Unable to contain his excitement)
Oh my goodness, is that CHET PHILLIPS with him!?!
ANASTASIA (Hushing him)
Shut up!
GLORIA
Y’all are terrible spies.
ANASTASIA
We caught you, didn’t we?
GLORIA
Well, looks like they’re gonna be seated right next to us.
SFX: The O’Brien party approaches.
BALTHAZAR
Right this way, ladies and gents. Best seats in the house - right in front of the stage.
SFX: Chairs being pulled out as they sit.
ATHENA
Hey, way to go, Balthy.
BALTHAZAR
Please. Call me brother.
ATHENA
No thanks.
ANASTASIA
This is a disaster. They’re right on top of us.
GLORIA
So, what’s the plan? The old “hide behind the menus” trick?
ANASTASIA
Do it! Just like in episode ten of Acquaintances, “Brunch Gone Wild!”
BOWDEN
Oooh, are my ears burning or did someone mention the greatest episode of television ever!? Hello, fans, I’m - GREAT SCOTT!
ANASTASIA (sotto voce)
Go away.
ATHENA
Bowden, why are you talking to those...civilians?
BOWDEN
Oh, just some fans. Excuse me a minute, my love, while I sign some autographs.
SFX: Bowden slides his chair over to the next table.
ANASTASIA
Not one word, Montcrief. We’re on a live op.
BOWDEN
No kidding. I’m the one who sent you word about this place.
SFX: Another chair slides over.
CHET
Hey, Anastasia. Long time no see.
ANASTASIA
SHHH! Not everyone can go around using their real name on missions, Phillips. My name is Veronica. And this Chr -
SKIP
T.S. Periwinkle, at your service!
ANASTASIA
(Groans)
SKIP
Sorry, Veronica, I have to live my truth.
CHET
Who’s the new girl?
GLORIA
Raquel. Apparently.
BOWDEN
You know, I played Raquel’s boyfriend on Acquaintances.
GLORIA
Get stuffed, slick.
ANASTASIA
You two get back to your table before the O’Briens get suspicious. Anything goes down, send a signal.
CHET
Samesies. Do NOT cut me out of this, ‘Stasia.
BOWDEN
And...just to be clear...NO ONE wants an autograph?
GLORIA
(Biting sounds)
BOWDEN
Got it.
SFX: Chet and Bo go back to their table. McGrath’s voice comes over the PA.
MCGRATH
What up, Drip Droppers? We’re getting ready to officially open this place up in just a few moments with a word from our owner, but in the meantime, let’s get some hornpipe going!! DJ Taco on 5th OUT!
SKIP
Oh my goodness. Excuse me, Veronica, T.S. Periwinkle has some investigating to do.
SFX: Skip gets up, just as the waiter arrives.
WALLACE
Three Zeerox Zingers for the table. Extra inky.
ANASTASIA
Terrific. I need a drink.
UP ON STAGE - CONTINUOUS
MCGRATH
Yo, bud, no one is allowed up on stage. I’m not taking requests.
SKIP
Oh no? What if I said the Takis were extra spicy today?
MCGRATH
Then I would say they pair perfectly with a Blue Raspberry Slurpee. I mean...if I were a loser who spoke in code.
SKIP
Tacos on 5th! It is you! It’s me, PostItNote87! From online!
MCGRATH
Yeah, yeah, I get it. Keep your voice down, dweebus. I hacked myself some fake DJ credentials to land this gig so I could see for myself what was up. What are you doing here?
SKIP
The same thing you are - trying to figure out what’s going on here.
MCGRATH
Should have figured you for a junior detective the way you play Among Us. What have you got so far?
SKIP
Well, nearly everyone here is some agency’s most wanted list. First and foremost, Kristatos O’Brien.
MCGRATH
Oh no...you’re a lousy narc!
SKIP
I am not! First of all, narc specifically refers to an undercover narcotics officer, despite its growing casual use to mean any turncoat or government informant.
MCGRATH
Oh Jesus, you’re worse than a narc, you’re a pedant.
SKIP
Thank you! You get me.
MCGRATH
All those questions you asked me on Discord about hacking, it all makes sense now! What are you, FBI? CIA?
SKIP
Would you believe I monitor parakeet mating calls?
MCGRATH
Get out of here man, I can’t have you cramping my style.
SKIP
No, listen, I know we’ve never met each other, but we’ve GAMED together. How many times have we powned other teams?
MCGRATH
Like...a million.
SKIP
So let’s do it for real. I know you don’t like the government, but all I can promise you is that I believe in doing good.
A tense silence.
SKIP
And I’ll buy us tacos after.
MCGRATH
Ugggh, fine, just stop with the sappiness. I’ve got my laptop hooked into the DJ set up and monitoring the internal network traffic. Take a look.
SKIP
Whoa. That’s a ton of activity. What are they doing? That can’t just be people on the Wi-FI, can it?
MCGRATH
No way. Look at these spikes...there’s a pattern. Watch the door.
SFX: In the distance, the door opens.
LUCKY (IN THE DISTANCE)
Welcome to the Drip Drop Club! Can I see your invite card? And I just need your thumbprint...
SFX: Beep! Lucky scans and there’s a flurry of activity on McGrath’s laptop.
SKIP
The biometrics! Every time they’re scanned, there’s a massive spike in internet traffic. What could it mean?
MCGRATH
I’m sure it’s some sort of tracking and data collection. The same sort of thing happens every time you can your member card at the super market. But the amount of data being transferred is insane, I’ve never seen anything like it.
SKIP
Can you figure out what they’re transferring?
MCGRATH
Not from here. I’d need to get to the server room. Look, my set’s almost done, but that room is locked tight...think you can get us in?
SKIP
I have just the person for the job. Be at the server room door as soon as you can. It’s great to finally meet you, Tacos On 5th.
MCGRATH
Yeah, yeah, get going, Post-It Note.
SFX: Skip scrambles down to his table.
ANASTASIA
What was that all about, Mr. Periwinkle?
SKIP
Information, Veronica. My hacker contact confirmed that something suspicious is definitely going on, but we need to break into their server room to find out what. Care to earn your keep, Raquel?
GLORIA
Fine. But say the wrong thing and I’ll bite your hand off.
SKIP
I believe you. Coming, Veronica?
ANASTASIA
You go. I want to keep my eye on Kristatos...and Phillips. Also, these Zeerox Zingers are actually really tasty.
SFX: Skip and Gloria go off.
CHET
Where the hell are they going?
KRISTATOS
What did you say? I can hear NOTHING over this infernal racket.
CHET
Something seems off, boss. Couple of lookie loos sneaking around. I’ll take care of it.
MARINA
Oh, no, Chet, please stay here. I would feel so much safer.
CHET
You would?
ATHENA
Eww, mom, gross.
MARINA
Look around, darling, this place is crawling with shady types. Just the way I like it...but still, better safe than sorry.
KRISTATOS
Always the sensible one, my dear.
CHET
Well, I still don’t like the look of those two. Bowden, go check it out.
BOWDEN
Me?!
CHET
They look very suspicious. Like they’re on some kind of mission.
ATHENA
Go ahead, Bowden, show daddy you’re more than just a pretty face.
BALTHAZAR
Fear not, baby brother, I shall keep your lady love entertained by reciting all of Hamlet...IN PIG LATIN! Otay ebay oryay otnay otay ebay!
SFX: Bowden stands up from the table.
BOWDEN
Let me jump right on this. I’ll be right back with a report.
KRISTATOS
Yes. It is most appreciated.
BALTHAZAR
Etgay eethay otay ayay unnerynay!
MARINA
Balthazar? Shut up.
BALTHAZAR
Apcray.
SFX: Transition
DRIP DROP CLUB BACK HALL - CONTINUOUS
SKIP
Shoot. There’s a security guard at the server room door.
GLORIA
Stand back. I can handle him.
SKIP
No biting!
GLORIA (Snazzy Splenda)
Heya, tall, dark and secure, how’d ya like to buy me a drink?
SECURITY GUY
Nice try. I’ve met plenty of security groupies before.
GLORIA
Really?
SECURITY GUY
I will not leave my post under any circumstances. Unless, of course, a minor celebrity needs my assistance. Now be gone, foul temptress.
SFX: Gloria walks back to Skip.
GLORIA
Well, that was bust. Why don’t I just bite him?
SKIP
No!
MCGRATH
Bite who!?
SKIP/GLORIA
Ahh!
MCGRATH
Sorry, I’ll wear a bell next time. This your lockpick?
SKIP
Indeed. Gloria Kovak meet, uh, listen, I can’t keep calling you Tacos On 5th. My name is Skip Granger.
MCGRATH
Mackenzie McGrath. But please, just call me Kenzie. Can’t stand my last name - it’s like nails on chalkboard.
SKIP
It’s good to know you, Kenzie.
GLORIA
This is all sickeningly sweet, but how are we going to get past the guard?
BOWDEN
Leave it to me.
SKIP/GLORIA/MCGRATH
Ahh!
MCGRATH
Who’s THIS guy?
SKIP
It’s okay, he’s with us. I think.
BOWDEN
I am. Hey, DJ Taco, did they give you a walkie?
MCGRATH
Sure did.
BOWDEN
Hand it here.
MCGRATH
Okayy...
BOWDEN
Prepared to be dazzled.
SFX: Bowden clicks on the walkie and clears his throat.
LUCKY (BOWDEN)
Is anyone from security available to escort TV weatherman Willard Scott to the VIP area?
SECURITY GUY
Willard Scott! This is the day I’ve been waiting for. On my way.
SFX: Security Guy hurries off.
MCGRATH
Damn, son! How did you do that?
GLORIA
It’s probably just a mutation of his vocal cords. Uncle Riley has a goat that can do the same thing.
SKIP
Gloria, get that door open.
GLORIA
On it.
BOWDEN
God, I hate to admit it, but I’ve kind of missed this. Being a reality tv star’s boy toy with the endless Instagram brand activations and hours and hours of acrobatic sex every night - it’s exhausting.
MCGRATH
Yeah. Sounds terrible.
SFX: Door opens.
GLORIA
I’m in!
SKIP
Let’s go, team!
MCGRATH
Don’t push it.
SFX: They all step into...
DRIP DROP CLUB SERVER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MCGRATH
Look at this place!
BOWDEN
It’s like the bridge of the Starship Enterprise in here!
GLORIA
What would a nightclub need with all this computing power?
MCGRATH
Step aside, let me find out.
SFX: McGrath does her thing at the keyboard.
MCGRATH
This encryption is good.
SKIP
Can you crack it?
MCGRATH
Did I say I couldn’t? Just give me a moment.
BOWDEN
Look, on the monitor, someone’s taking the stage...
SFX: TRANSITION
DRIP DROP CLUB - MAIN STAGE - CONTINUOUS
WALLACE (OVER PA)
Please welcome to the stage, our glorious leader and king of the ocean...Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher!
SFX: Applause.
ADMIRAL
Good evening, ladies and fishes! Welcome to the grand opening of the Drip Drop Club, the wettest place on dry land! It is a dream come true for me and I am truly delighted that each and every one of you was able to join us here in the the depths tonight.
SFX: Applause. The Admiral continues to ramble.
ANASTASIA
Psst...Chet. PSSSSST.
SFX: Chet scoots his chair over.
CHET
Real subtle...Victoria.
ANASTASIA
Veronica! She was the funny one.
CHET
Are you drunk?
ANASTASIA
I had all three of the Zeerox Zingers, what do you think?
CHET
Good God.
ANASTASIA
Exactly! Exactly! GOD! Isn’t this guy the head of that weird water religion? Ocean...ography?
CHET
Oceanology? Intel wrote them off as harmless years ago. Maybe he just pivoted from religion to night clubs. Wouldn’t be the first.
ANASTASIA
Something doesn’t feel right.
INT. SERVER ROOM
SFX: Furious typing on the keyboard. Hacker style.
MCGRATH
I’m in! Holy crap-oly, look at this.
BOWDEN
Are those financial transactions?
SKIP
Not just financial! Look - real estate, assets...it’s like every time someone gets their thumbprint scanned, their signing over everything they own!
GLORIA
Oh my God. Can you pull up Riley Kettlebringer?
SFX: Clickity click.
MCGRATH
Here you go. Kettlebringer, Riley. Millions of Dutch Gilders transferred. Along with the deeds to thousands of acres of property!
GLORIA
What did I do? That’s my family’s land!
SKIP
We’ll put a stop to this. Kenzie, where are these transfers going? To Fletcher? Oceanology?
MCGRATH
Give me another minute here...
BOWDEN
Something is very strange here. I don’t know much about computers, but I sure know television...this stuff over here - it’s all broadcasting equipment.
GLORIA
That doesn’t make any sense. What would they need with that?
SFX: Transition
STAGE - CONTINUOUS
ADMIRAL
And the fisherman said “Grouper...I hardly know her!”
SFX: Laughs from the crowd.
ADMIRAL
But seriously, folks, I just want to thank each and everyone of you not just for attending tonight, but for signing over all of your finances and assets - legal or otherwise. Yes, with every little thumb scanned, you gave us access to every penny in your accounts!
SFX: Angry commotion (taken from 112?)
KRISTATOS
What madness is this?
CHET
Don’t worry, you didn’t have an invite. There was nothing to scan.
BALTHAZAR
You’re welcome.
KRISTATOS
You...are you a part of this?
BALTHAZAR
I am but a humble supplicant to the true master!
ADMIRAL
Ladies and gentlemen, please, please. You anger is misdirected. Don’t blame me. My only concerns are the mighty oceans. You can all thank the real owners of the Drip Drop Club...Marina and Athena O’Brien.
SFX: Gasps from the crowd.
KRISTATOS
Marina?
MARINA
Happy anniversary, Kristatos. Look around you. The room is filled with swindlers, robber barons, tech bros, pharmaceutical fakers...and their wealth is all ours.
KRISTATOS
You did this for me?
ATHENA
Oh, no, daddy. When she says “ours” she means hers and mine. Your time is over, old man.
ADMIRAL
You are of the dirt and soil, but now is the TIME OF THE OCEAN.
KRISTATOS
Athena? Marina? Why...why would you team up with this mad man?
MARINA
BECAUSE HE’S FUN. Because HE has a volcano lair. Because he was willing to steal all of this for me and set Athena up as the next great godmother of crime!
ATHENA
Ew, don’t age me, mom.
CHET
Game over! I’m Chet Phillips. Extraordinary Missions Force.
ANASTASIA
Oh come on, I wanted to say that.
ADMIRAL
Well, if it isn’t my mortal enemy...Chet Phillips.
CHET
Do...I know you?
ADMIRAL
The great god Zeerox sent me a vision of other worlds, other times in the vast multi-verse where the only man who could stop me was Chet Phillips and his EMF cronies. So I have brought you here to witness my ultimate victory, powerless to stop it!
ANASTASIA
Nothing can stop the EM...F, I don’t feel so well.
ADMIRAL
Oh, had a few of my Zeerox Zingers, did we? I find that the paralytic poison in the squid ink really packs a punch!
ANASTASIA
Chet, I can’t move...
CHET
‘Stasia!
ADMIRAL
You can’t save her, Chet. The only antidote is the roe of a super sea cucumber that can only be fished from mountain rivers on rainy Wednesdays after 6pm...and it just turned 6:01.
BALTHAZAR
Oh, Athena, my love, how it pained me to see you debase yourself with that hack brother of mine. The sacrifices you made to bring him here and see me triumph...
ATHENA
It was pure torture. How I’ve longed for you, Balthy. Isskay emay!
SFX: Gross kissing.
KRISTATOS
My daughter and BOTH Montcrief brothers? Let the coach-a-bower take me now!
ADMIRAL
Marina, I have given you power over a great criminal empire...and the keys to my volcano lair. Do you have what I wanted in return?
MARINA
I do. Pulled from beneath the floor boards of battered sea shack on the banks of the Mississippi, a crystal shard taken from a statue of Neptune! A small price to pay for such power.
SFX: Marina pulls out the crystal, which emits its strange hum (from 306)
ADMIRAL
Behold, the power of Zeerox. Your minds are now mind to control - and thanks to the live news coverage of our opening - the entire world shall soon BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN.
Beat.
ADMIRAL
I said BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN!
ATHENA
Yeah. We heard you. What are you talking about?
SFX: General murmurs from the crowd.
ADMIRAL
Uh, maybe this thing needs to be charged? You’re all supposed to be under my hypnotic spell right about now...
SFX: A squeal of feedback over the PA system.
MCGRATH (OVER PA)
Yo yo yo, it’s DJ Tacos on 5th once again! Broadcasting on a grey noise frequency that’s canceling out any and all hallucinogenic tones!
GLORIA (OVER PA)
Meanwhile, all of your stolen funds are being returned to you. Minus bank fees. Lousy capitalists!
SKIP (OVER PA)
But also, you’re all under arrest. Being the victims of fraud doesn’t cancel out the fact that you’re all wanted criminals. The building is surrounded! Please remain in your seats until you are in police custody. Thank you.
BOWDEN (OVER PA)
And I helped too! Bowden Montcrief, star of Acquaintances!
ADMIRAL
No! It’s impossible! I was about to pull off like three years worth of super villain plans in one go!
SFX: The doors open as the police rush in.
PRESCOTT (OVER BULLHORN)
Everyone remain seated. You will be questioned and processed one at a time.
CHET
Hey, we’ve got an agent down over here! She needs help!
PRESCOTT
We heard everything. I’ve got Fitz grinding for sea cucumbers now. In the meantime, we’ll get Agent Anastasia stable.
CHET
You hear that, Anastasia? You’re gonna be okay. Just hang in there.
ANASTASIA
I think...it’s time to retire.
SFX: Medics take her off. Skip and the gang enter.
SKIP
Section Chief Prescott, you made it just in time!
PRESCOTT
Excellent work, Agent Granger. I can see I made the right move in promoting you. Thank you as well to special assets Montcrief and Kovak. Mr. Montcrief, does this mean we can add you back on our roster?
BOWDEN
Well, I don’t think my reality show is moving forward...count me in!
PRESCOTT
And...Miss McGrath, is it? Your hacking skills were truly impressive. There’s a place for you at the EMF if you’re interested.
MCGRATH
Ah, one thing at a time, bub. I was promised some tacos.
SKIP
And I shall deliver! Bowden, Gloria, will you join us?
GLORIA
Well, I could eat. As long as slick over here stops talking about his stupid sitcom.
BOWDEN
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much - OW!! - did you just bite me?
MCGRATH
Tacos now or you all die.
SFX: Multi-verse hop.
INT. EARTH-1 EMF HQ HALLWAY - MORNING - 2026
MCGRATH
So, anyway, theorizing about “what ifs” is pointless. Life is life, man.
SKIP
I guess. But I shudder to think what life would be like if things played out any differently than they did.
MCGRATH
You know I hate getting mushy, but let’s face it - I think we’re stuck with each other in every timeline. No matter what door you open.
SKIP
Speaking of...here we are. Requisitions.
SFX: Skip opens the door and they enter and...
INT. EARTH-1 EMF RECORDING STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
SFX: ...someone tackles Skip!
MISSION VOICE
WHO SENT YOU!
SKIP
Uh...Stefan?
MISSION VOICE
Skip? Jesus, are you okay?
SKIP
Yes, thank goodness I learned to stop carrying my keys everywhere. But wait, why are you here?! This...isn’t requisitions?
MISSION VOICE
No, this is my recording studio. Or did the big red recording sign outside the door not give it away?
SKIP
THERE’S A SIGN?
MCGRATH
Look, sorry we violated the inner sanctum. Just point us towards Stefan’s office and we’ll get out of your hair.
MISSION VOICE
No, it’s just as well. I was on my way up to see Zelda anyway. You better come with me, agents...we have to go save Chet Phillips.
MUSIC: THEME SONG
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini-McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Newscaster Connie
and Bob Killion as Fitz, Security Guy, and The Admiral
Guest Starring
Pete Barry as Kristatos O'Brien
David S. Dear as Caterer S. Dear and Terry Millionaire
Dave Serfass as J.J. Prescott
J. Micahel DeAngelis as Agent Skinner, Larry Hastings, Bryce, and Wallace
Sheree Wichard as Marina O'Brien
Megan Edelman as Agent Anastasia
Ryan Dooley as Agent Kenny
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker
Rebecca Serfass as Lucky
and Eric Werner as Balthazar Montcrief
Musc, sound editing, and mixing by Pete Barry.
Out there, somewhere in the vastness of the multiverse, there's a reality where Mission: Rejected has been heard in almost every country in the world, and been downloaded over a million times. OH WAIT, that's this universe. Maybe this isn't the darkest timeline after all. Maybe. Thank you to all our wonderful fans around the world who have made all this possible. Be sure you're following us on Instagram, Facebook, and Blue Sky to be a part of the celebrations.
This has been a Porch Room production. Copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
INT. ATHENACORP LAB - NIGHT
SFX: Lots of banging, drilling, screwing, and sparking. Athena is hard at work on something.
ATHENA
Insert hydroelectric coil A into ungrounded receptacle B...
TERRY
NOT THAT WAY!
ATHENA
Excuse me?
MINI MCGRATH
Bzz! Zap! Game over! Time for tacos!
TERRY
You’re about to put the positive end of that coil into the negative end of that receptacle. I’d like to not have my face fried off today, thank you.
ATHENA
Huh. Good call, Terry. I thought you said you didn’t know how to build these things.
TERRY
I don’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t know basic engineering.
MINI MCGRATH
Thanks, Linus Tech Tips! Like and subscribe.
ATHENA
Well thank goodness Elle Mae Stupidstrom is as anal about preserving documentation as Skip Granger. I’ll have this thing up and running by tonight.
TERRY
Huh.
ATHENA
What!?!? You don’t think I can re-assemble a stupid cloning machine that I recovered from your stupid underground train?
TERRY
No, it’s just that you just said Skip Granger. Not the usual “clone boy”, Dopplegranger, or even Cloney McCloneface. Just...Skip.
ATHENA
Yeah. Well. I’ve recently had some clarity on the matter. Not that I’m going to apologize to the twerp, but I don’t think he’s a clone anymore.
TERRY
Then why have you had me in this cage continuing my research on cloning? Why rebuild my cloning machine?
ATHENA
Chet said there was some sort of signal in my brain. I think he was right. Something, something very faint, was telling my subconscious over and over again: “clone.” “Clone.” “Clone.” At first I thought it was warning me about Skip. But the signal was weak, garbled - drowned out by the noise of the world. Except when I sleep. That’s where I finally heard the instructions.
TERRY
Then...you know what you have to do?
ATHENA
The message wasn’t warning me about clones, it was telling me to MAKE a clone.
TERRY
Yes.
ATHENA
I have almost everything I need. Fixing this machine will be the biggest step.
TERRY
And then?
ATHENA
And then...I’m going to bring my mom back to life.
MINI MCGRATH
She better make tacos!
END OF EPISODE