Season Six, Episode Twelve: “Yo Mama Never Dies”
Transcript
INT. ATHENACORP ROOM 1729 - NIGHT
Chet dozes, strapped down by restraints. Unsettling nanobot sounds everywhere.
CHET (murmuring in his sleep)
...best spy in the world...best spy in the world...stop calling me Mister Doe!
The door to the room opens, and Chet jerks awake.
ATHENA
Show time, Terry! Get in here!
CHET
Whhh...Athena!
ATHENA (startled)
Are you kidding me?
CHET
You can see me?!?
ATHENA
I don’t know what auto-erotic nonsense you’ve been up to in here, Mister Janitor, but you’ve caused me no end of grief.
CHET
You’ve had me tied up in here for weeks -
ATHENA
Thanks to you, I’ve had to speed up my timeline. It’s too late to fix it now so sit there and shut up. TERRY.
Terry DRAGS IN a large piece of equipment.
TERRY
I’m coming I’m coming I CHET!
ATHENA
Ignore him. Where’s the rest of my machine?
TERRY
Right behind me.
A large ROBOT, led by MINI-MCGRATH, rolls into the room.
MINI-MCGRATH
Follow the leader, big guy! To me my board!
ATHENA
How many robots do you need to do your own physical labor?
TERRY
As many as neces - we can’t do this here, with Chet! Why did you make me drag twelve pieces of heavy machinery across the hallway?
CHET
What machinery? What are you building?
ATHENA
We’re not setting up in this room.
TERRY
Good.
ATHENA
They’re going up here.
She pulls down an ACCESS LADDER.
TERRY
TO THE ROOF?!?
ATHENA
Get dragging.
She starts to climb.
CHET
Athena! There are nanobots in your brain!
ATHENA
I told you, that’s not possible.
CHET
They’re controlled by the Admiral! Your father’s alive!
Athena LUNGES AT HIM and starts to CHOKE HIM!
ATHENA
I’ve heard some pitiful con-jobs before but I should tear the tongue out of your mouth for that kind of lie.
CHET
Please...
Athena ROUNDHOUSES him, leaving him stunned!
ATHENA
MOVE IT, TERRY OR YOU’RE NEXT!
TERRY
Yes ma’am!
Athena climbs. Chet recovers a little
CHET
Terry! You gotta stop her -
TERRY
I can’t.
MINI-MCGRATH
Not with that attitude!
CHET
Your nanobot swarm is plugged into her brain.
TERRY
But she subjects herself to EMP bursts daily! How could the nanobots survive?
CHET
You built them, you tell me.
TERRY
I suppose...they could have built a kind of docking station in her brain. She could destroy the nanites currently in her brain, but then others would quickly take their place.
CHET
The Admiral’s plugged into the other side of the swarm.
TERRY
The Admiral? What do you know about the Admiral?
CHET
He’s still alive. Kind of.
TERRY
Has he...spoken to you?
CHET
Not directly.
TERRY
So you don’t know what his plans are.
ATHENA (FROM ABOVE)
Terry!
MINI-MCGRATH
Get moving! I want to do the hokey pokey!
TERRY
Coming, Miss O’Brien! Come, Terrybot. I’ll carry you up.
MINI-MCGRATH
Piggy-back!
CHET
Terry you have to stop the Admiral from making Athena do...whatever you two are doing!
TERRY(to Chet, smiling)
...it may be difficult to secure your release, Chet.
CHET
...you’re in on it, you son of a bitch.
TERRY
Who’s the jailer now?
Terry laughs as he ascends the ladder.
Thunder sounds up above, as we transition to...
EXT. ATHENACORP ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Athena banging away at equipment.
ATHENA
Mother f-ing...stupid...TerryCorp tech.
A slithering sound swirls around Athena. It’s the nanobots. They speak with her mother’s voice.
ATHENA
What’s going on? What is this?
GHOST MARINA
Patience, my daughter. We are so close now.
Athena’s tone changes slightly: a little wide-eyed.
ATHENA
Mom? Mommy?
GHOST MARINA
I am here, Athena.
ATHENA (laughing a little)
I can hear you so clearly now!
GHOST MARINA
We will be together again soon. Build my machine. Bring me back and together...we will reign supreme.
Athena and “her mother” laugh - one brightly, one dangerously.
MUSIC: THEME SONG!
MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Yo Mama Never Dies.
INT. THE SURVIVAL BUBBLE - UNDER THE SEA
Deep in the ocean, in the wreckage of New Atlantis...
Scratch scratch.
KRISTATOS
Day two hundred and forty-six. Well. It was a good run.
He SWIGS something from a bottle.
The Admiral GASPS, returning to life.
ADMIRAL
Good morrow, Kristatos!
KRISTATOS
Oh good. You’re alive again.
ADMIRAL
What are you imbibing, old bean?
KRISTATOS
Poteen. Potato whiskey.
ADMIRAL
Might I bum a swig?
KRISTATOS
Please. Take it all.
He DUMPS the liquor all over the Admiral.
ADMIRAL
I like a shower as much as the next man, Kristatos, but your self-brewed whiskey is rather potent -
KRISTATOS
You seem to be unkillable, Fletcher. The nanites repair your mutated brain and body no matter how many times I bludgeon you to death. And now I am aware that you have been influencing Athena.
ADMIRAL
I see! And so this odoriferous alcohol bath is the best you can do to snub me? Well, it is quite rank!
KRISTATOS
Yes. And even better, it is quite flammable.
Kristatos STRIKES A MATCH.
ADMIRAL
Now hold on old boy -
KRISTATOS
I doubt the nanites can rebuild a charred husk.
ADMIRAL
You’ll burn the station! You’ll kill yourself!
KRISTATOS
You will not have a hold over Athena for one moment longer - AAH!
The whole station LURCHES! Kristatos falls! The ADMIRAL LAUGHS!
KRISTATOS
What is happening?
ADMIRAL
You’re too late, old fellow! You should have tried to burn me long ago!
KRISTATOS
How are you moving this chamber? It is beyond the repair of your bots!
ADMIRAL
Repairing this chamber is beyond their abilities, yes...but they have been working on a different set of repairs for quite some time!
Something outside CREAKS and CHURNS WATER!
KRISTATOS
The Russet! It’s rising!
ADMIRAL
Our ship, Kristatos! It will drag us to the surface with it!
KRISTATOS
STOP YOU MANIAC!
ADMIRAL
RAISE THE MAST AND START THE ENGINES, MY MICROSCOPIC CREW! RISE FROM THE SEA FLOOR, MY LOYAL BOAT! THE SS RUSSET SAILS AGAIN!
And the Admiral laughs as the ocean roars and the S.S. Russet rises...
INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
SFX: Beepity beep boop. General chaos.
ZELDA
Alright, let’s have some order, people.
BOWDEN
Thank you, Zelda. I’m just so thrilled to share with you all that I am up for a MAJOR role in the new Detective Pikachu spin-off - “Murder She Squirtled”!
MCGRATH
That’s dumb! It should be “Squirtle She Murdered”.
GLORIA
How many Squirtles can you murder? Squirder?
ZELDA
People -
SKIP
A LOT. I mean, technically, in the games, you only knock them unconscious...
MCGRATH
BUT IT’S MURDER. I’m not afraid to say it. Come at me, Big Nintendo.
GLORIA
I mean, isn’t the whole franchise basically cockfighting?
ZELDA
PLEASE let’s move on.
BOWDEN
Alright, but I’ll be deep in character as Sheriff Staryu.
MISSION VOICE
Is it ALWAYS like this?
ZELDA
This is pretty manageable, if I’m honest.
MISSION VOICE
And you wonder why I never come up here.
GLORIA
What are doing up here? Not that it’s not lovely to see you.
BOWDEN (Old West voice)
I ask the questions around here, missy.
SKIP
Staryu would NOT talk like that.
ZELDA
Don’t instigate!
(To Mission Voice)
Please, proceed.
MISSION VOICE
For most of the past year, former Special Agent Chet Phillips has been embedded back at the EMF...as the janitor.
GLORIA
Embedded on whose authority?
MISSION VOICE
On...his own, honestly. It was his hope to weasel his way back into going on missions.
MCGRATH
This explains a lot actually. This place has gotten filthy. And if I’M saying it, you know it’s bad.
SKIP
Zelda, did YOU know Chet was the janitor?
ZELDA
I’m the Section Chief, Skip. Do you think I don’t know who has access to our top secret facility?
SKIP
But you didn’t tell me.
ZELDA
You’re a spy. Maybe you should have figured it out.
MCGRATH
Oooh! Sick burn, Z. Up top!
SFX: Zelda and McGrath high five.
MISSION VOICE
There is far too much frivolity in this briefing for my liking.
ZELDA
What I DIDN’T know was that you had decided to aid him on an unsanctioned mission. You and me, missy, are gonna have a talk about what your job entails.
GLORIA
But right now, I think we need to know what “mission” he was on.
MISSION VOICE
Recently, various agencies reported picking up this unidentified signal...
SFX: Mission Voice flips a switch and the signal begins to play.
MISSION VOICE
After several false starts, Phillips was able to pinpoint its origin here...
SFX: Slide projector click.
MCGRATH
Athena Corps Headquarters!
BOWDEN (Old West voice)
You’ll never find a more vile hive of scum and villainy.
GLORIA
Wrong franchise, dear.
SKIP
What else has Agent Phillips uncovered?
MISSION VOICE
I...don’t know. We haven’t had contact with Agent Phillips in some time now. We know he went in, but Athena denies he’s there.
MCGRATH
Wait. You talked to Athena? How did that go?
MISSION VOICE (Very dry)
She loved me. Everyone loves me. I’m very lovable.
BOWDEN (Old West voice)
I’d never murder your Squirtle, ma’am.
MISSION VOICE
Bowden, I find your adherence to fantasy disturbing.
BOWDEN
My apologies.
MCGRATH
Please come to more briefings.
GLORIA
So the plan is simple, yes? We go in, grab Chet, try to find out everything he knows about this signal, and get out.
ZELDA
IF he’s there. As was said, Athena denies seeing him. We all know better than to take her at her word, but, you never know.
MCGRATH
You were tracking the signal?
MISSION VOICE
Yes.
MCGRATH
Gimme a keyboard.
SFX: Furious typing.
MCGRATH
Weird. It seems to be piggybacking onto something else.
MISSION VOICE
Phillips concluded the signal could be in found reverberating inside most Athena Corps tech.
MCGRATH
Which is really Terry Corps tech...which means...oh, holy cannoli...
SFX: Furious typing. The signal fluctuates, and it sounds now as if two separate signals are combining, until a voice breaks through the static.
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
You put your left foot in! You take your left foot out! You take your left foot in and you shake it all about! Look at your dumb foot!
MCGRATH
Mini McGrath!
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around!
SKIP
McGrath, can you send as well as receive?
MCGRATH
Mini McGrath, can you hear me?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
That’s what it’s all about!
MCGRATH
Hey, kiddo, where are you?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
Hi, mom. Next verse! You put your left buttock in. You take your left buttock out.
MCGRATH
Ugh, I’m starting to remember when I tossed her out. I wanted a little friend not a little chaos generator.
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
I have new friends now. Friend, say hello to mother.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (THROUGH SIGNAL)
Mother? No, Terry Bot, I keep telling you...I am your father.
SKIP
Terry Millionaire!
GLORIA
The former philanthropist billionaire!
BOWDEN
He left us to DIE at the bottom of the ocean!
(Old West voice)
I’ve got a score to settle with him.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (THROUGH SIGNAL)
Who’s there? Terry Bot, are you watching Deadwood reruns again?
MCGRATH
Mini-McGrath, momma needs to know what you’re doing, okay?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
The hokey pokey! You put your right middle finger in. You take your right middle finger out. You put your right middle finger and you shake it all about.
MCGRATH
I’m locked on. She’s definitely at Athena Corps.
MISSION VOICE
Has your little robot doppelgänger seen Chet?
MCGRATH
Mini-McGrath, is Chet Phillips with you?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
He’s tied up downstairs in the garbage! He won’t shut up!
She plays a RECORDING OF CHET and TERRY:
CHET (RECORDED IN SIGNAL) (// indicates static)
Terry! You gotta stop her // your nanobot swarm is plugged into her brain // controlled by the Admiral!
BOWDEN
THE ADMIRAL? He’s alive?
GLORIA
No. Noooo! He and Kristatos definitely sank to the bottom of the ocean. We all saw it! No one could have survived that.
ZELDA
Death never seems to be much of an obstacle for The Admiral. Unfortunately.
MCGRATH
Mini-McGrath, where are you?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
I’m on the roof where it’s dangerous to play! Come up here, mom, and all the moms can do the hokey pokey! Put your left malleus in. Take your left malleus out.
MCGRATH
What do you mean ALL the moms?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
The scary lady is cloning her mother. Because you can’t do the hokey pokey alone!
ZELDA
Did I hear that right? Is Athena trying to clone Marina O’Brien?
GLORIA
And that’s...bad? I mean, ignoring any ethical debates about cloning.
ZELDA
She died before anyone could prove it, but it was suspected she was the real power behind Kristatos.
SKIP
Oh no...it all makes sense now.
GLORIA
WHAT does?
SKIP
Athena! All those months saying I was a clone!
BOWDEN
That was definitely odd, but how does she go from suspecting you’re a clone to building one of her own?
MCGRATH
If her brain has been plugged into the nanite swarm, controlled by the Admiral clone sending subconscious message into her head -
BOWDEN
She could be plagued by recurring thoughts of clones!
SKIP
But what would the Admiral want?
GLORIA (obviously)
What would a failing Admiral clone want Athena to build him a cloning device for?
MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL)
One more for hokey pokey!
SKIP
Ah.
MISSION VOICE
Let me get this straight. Noted supervillain Athena O’Brien is on the roof of her heavily secured headquarters trying to Frankenstein her supervillain mother back to life with the help of Terry Millionaire, also a noted super villain, unaware that they’re helping to resurrect Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher who is...oh what’s the phrase I’m looking for? Oh yes. A NOTED SUPER VILLAIN.
MCGRATH
Yeah. That pretty much nails it.
MISSION VOICE
Well. I picked a hell of a day to step outside. Saddle up. Lock and load.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
EXT. THE WHARF - NIGHT
A POLICE OFFICER approaches the LIEUTENANT, who steps onto the pier.
OFFICER
Lieutenant! I think you’d better talk to this guy.
LIEUTENANT
I’m busy, here!
OFFICER
It’s some dock supervisor down at pier 34.
LIEUTENANT
What’s the problem?
OFFICER
He says the S.S. Russet just arrived!
LIEUTENANT
The what now?
The HARBORMASTER approaches. He’s a salty old sea dog.
HARBORMASTER
A lost ship, sir, gone down in the Pacific six years ago! It’s just dragged its carcass into the harbor, hauling some strange and broken container. And on the wind, the cries of the damned! Tis a ship full of ghosts, sir!
LIEUTENANT
Ah, a ghost ship, is it? Why don’t you head on down to the bar, harbormaster, and get yourself a nice tall AAAAAAAA
The S.S. Russet CRASHES INTO THE PIER, splintering wood and sending the cops scattering!
HARBORMASTER
Remember the harbormaster!
OFFICER
Lieutenant, look!
The NANOBOT SWARM twitters away into the sky. The MECHANICAL LAUGHTER of the ADMIRAL follows like a ghost!
LIEUTENANT
Son?
OFFICER
Yes, sir?
LIEUTENANT
I think I need a drink.
OFFICER
Me too.
KRISTATOS
HELP! WHERE AM I?
Kristatos comes flopping up off the deck of the ship.
OFFICER
Great Scott!
LIEUTENANT
It IS a ghost ship!
KRISTATOS
SHUT UP. You must stop that swarm of machines!
OFFICER
You mean that weird cloud?
LIEUTENANT
Looks like it’s heading downtown. Towards one of the taller buildings.
KRISTATOS
Athenacorp. They’re after Athena!
He struggles to get past the cops, but they grab him!
KRISTATOS
I must get to my daughter! She is in danger!
OFFICER
What do we look like, Uber?
KRISTATOS
I must find a car...or a van...like that one...wait...is that my PADDYWAGON?
LIEUTENANT
That van? That’s been sitting at this wharf with a boot on it for six years! It’s basically an art installation at this point!
OFFICER
We don’t know who left it here, but HEY!
KRISTATOS
This is my vehicle, and I am reclaiming it!
OFFICER
It’s not going drive with that boot on it -
LIEUTENANT
AAAAH!
Kristatos DRIVES it anyway, making a HORRIBLE CRUNCHING noise as it goes.
KRISTATOS
I must follow that swarm and save my daughter!
He’s gone.
OFFICER
You wanna get that drink now?
LIEUTENANT
It’s on me.
MUSICAL TRANSITION
TRANSITION TO THE CITY STREETS
We're outside Athenacorp, and it's chaos. A crowd of onlookers watches a violent electric storm engulfing the top of the tower.
BRYCE
Kyle, hurry! We have to get home before the rain starts, I don't have it in me to traipse through Trader Joes for charcuterie ingredients a second time.
KYLE
I barely had it in me once...
BRYCE
What was that?
KYLE
Bryce, hold on, I'm not sure this is a natural storm...
The swarm of nanites flies over, drawing screams.
BRYCE
Are those insects swarming AthenaCorp?
KYLE
They look like some sort of nanotech...
BRYCE
THAT'S IT! You can vent all you want on me, but don't you dare take any of your frustrations out on my granny!
KYLE
What? Bryce, I just said... no, nanotech! NANO-tech, I didn't mean anything about your nanna....
BRYCE
Don't try to justify yourself, let's just get home, please! This chicken isn’t going to cook itself!
KYLE (under his breath)
Chicken again. Great.
SFX - AS THEY FADE OUT, A VEHICLE APPROACHES AND THE WHOLE SQUAD EXITS.
SKIP
Nice driving, Gloria. You got us here in record time.
GLORIA
She’s no Daisy, but the EMF van gets ya where you need to go.
BOWDEN
Say, is it just me, or is it kinda quiet inside Athenacorp?
MISSION VOICE
Too quiet.
ZELDA
Eerily quiet.
SFX - The doors to AthenaCorps blow open as every employee comes out running for their lives!
MCGRATH
You just HAD to jinx it.
BOWDEN
Holy Spielberg! It’s like somebody opened the arc of the covenant!
Nanobots swarm around them.
GLORIA
This isn’t rain! What the hell is happening?
SKIP (Grabbing an evacuee)
Hey! Hey! You, what’s going on?
SECURITY GUY
There’s some sort of storm INSIDE the building!
SKIP
That’s impossible!
MCGRATH
Yeah, well, that impossible storm is heading right for us!
SECURITY GUY
I wish I still had my Periscope account.
ZELDA
Everyone! Inside! Now!
SECURITY GUY
You can’t. It’s an emergency evacuation. The doors sealed behind us.
MISSION VOICE
I still have an all-access key card.
ZELDA
How did you manage that?!
MISSION VOICE
I told you. I’m lovable.
SKIP
Excellent! Let's get inside that...
SFX - LIGHTNING CRASH! PANICKED SCREAMS! THE SIDEWALK GIVES WAY!
SKIP
... er... actually first let's try NOT TO FALL INTO THIS GIANT CHASM THAT'S OPENED IN THE SIDEWALK!
ZELDA
TOO LATE!
MCGRATH
SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE, GUYS!
SFX - THEY FALL! Then things calm down, the storm subsides, that nanites fly off.
ONLOOKER 1
What was that! The sidewalk just OPENED...
ONLOOKER 2
And that group of people who just pulled up, and were having pithy dialogue, fell in to it!
ONLOOKER 3
I think they were some sort of authorities???
SFX - THE EMF BEGINS TO CLIMB OUT
ONLOOKER 2
There they are!
ONLOOKER 3
They made it!
SFX - CHEERS
SKIP
What the... why are they...
BOWDEN
Hold on Skip, I've got this one...
(playing the crowd)
WE'RE OK! WE'RE OK!
(crowd noise raises)
THEY WANT TO PLAY ROUGH, HUH?
MCGRATH
Oh, good lord, is he doing the--
GLORIA
Just let it play out. It'll save all of us a lot of time.
BOWDEN
WE CAN TAKE IT! WE CAN TAKE IT!
ONLOOKER 2
Who are you guys anyway!
BOWDEN
Ummm--
ZELDA (Brooklyn accent)
WE ARE REPRESENTATIVES OF PIPEFITTERS LOCAL, er, 90210 AND WE ARE GOING TO GET INSIDE THIS BUILDING AND GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
SFX - GENERAL CHEERS, BUT ALSO ONE CONFUSED ONLOOKER...
ONLOOKER 3 (amid cheers)
Must be a hell of a plumbing issue.
BOWDEN
ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THERE, LET'S BE PROFESSIONAL...
MCGRATH
It's over, Bo.
BOWDEN
Right.
SKIP
Team, let's move out!
CROWD
PIPE-fitters! PIPE-fitters!
SFX - THE CROWD CHEERS AS THEY GO
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Terry is welding pieces of machinery together.
GHOST MARINA
What is taking so long? The little man is wasting our time!
ATHENA
Maybe he needs a little prodding.
TERRY
What? Were you talking to me?
ATHENA
I told you use a seven-eights spanner, Terry! Not a three quarters!
MINI-MCGRATH
So different!
TERRY
We’re almost there! Patience!
ATHENA
You’ve got four automated assistant robots plus this stupid toy, how can you not be - wait. Weren’t there only two robot assistants before?
TERRY
You must not have noticed them.
ATHENA
Not trying to pull anything, are you, Terry?
TERRY
I swear I’m not!
GHOST MARINA
Let it go. Have him prep the chamber. It’s menial work unfit for my princess.
ATHENA
Terry. Prep the cloning chamber.
TERRY
Yes, Ms. O’Brien.
Terry fiddles with the machine. He lets out a subtle chuckle to himself.
TERRY
Glad to be of service.
A KLAXON WHOOPS.
COMPUTER
Warning. Warning. Unauthorized entry to the building grounds detected.
TERRY
It could be the police! They’ll be in the elevator any minute!
ATHENA
Let’s see ‘em use it...without power.
She types into the console.
TERRY
What are you doing?
ATHENA
Cutting power to the building.
TERRY
WHAT?
COMPUTER
Warning. Building power shutting off. Pause all laser experiments. Shut all freezers in the cafeteria. Secure all pumas in the biodome. Close down the Fashion Week exhibit-
ATHENA
POWER OFF NOW.
COMPUTER
Backup secuuurriittty syyyssteemmms-
The building power goes OUT.
TERRY
With no power, how will my - our - machine work??
ATHENA
Don’t worry Terry.
GHOST MARINA
We have it covered.
INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
SKIP
Oh! It’s darker than my favorite coffee bean roast in here! At least the strange storm seems to have subsided...
Tap-taps.
GLORIA
Hmm. The lights aren’t working.
Click. Click-click.
MCGRATH
Damn. Elevator’s not working, either. Looks like the power’s out in the whole building.
BOWDEN
Wait...
ZELDA
What’s the matter?
BOWDEN
I HAVE TO TAKE THE STAIRS??
MISSION VOICE
Think of it as leg day.
BOWDEN
LEG DAY WAS YESTERDAY!
GLORIA
Bowden, just pretend it’s the staircase in Phantom of the Opera when they sing Masquerade.
BOWDEN
You always say the right thing.
SKIP
Come on team, to the stairs!
Footsteps as Skip rushes to the staircase - and then stops.
SKIP
Woah!
MCGRATH
What is it?
SKIP
Nothing I just-- I thought I saw something-- someone?-- At the top of the stairs. But it’s gone now.
The SLITHERING METAL NOISE stirs somewhere.
BOWDEN
Did anyone else hear that?
GLORIA
We’d better keep moving.
MISSION VOICE
Not off to a great start are we?
INT. 1ST FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Footsteps and huffing as they all reach the landing.
GLORIA
One down!
MCGRATH
Forty-seven more to go.
BOWDEN
Oh great. I’ll be the first A-Lister killed by stairs!
MCGRATH
Gary Coleman.
BOWDEN
WHY CAN’T I HAVE JUST ONE THING!?!
He collapses.
MISSION VOICE
A-lister. Sure.
SKIP
Okay, let’s--
MCGRATH
Wait! I need a breather.
ZELDA
McGrath, we don’t have time to do this forty-six times.
MCGRATH
Big Z, there’s ALWAYS time for a snack.
SFX: She opens a bag of chips and munches.
GHOST BLAZE (whisper)
Mommy...
GLORIA
Listen! Do you smell something? I mean, hear something?
The group quiets down.
SKIP
Hear what?
GLORIA
I heard something. Like... a baby?
GHOST BLAZE
Mommy! We’re gonna do it tonight!
BOWDEN
A...disturbed baby...
GHOST BLAZE
I want my GameBoy.
GLORIA
Oh my GOD I know that voice!
SFX: A low thrum from the nanobots.
GHOST BLAZE
GET A JAAAAAHBB
GLORIA
Blaze Taggart!
ZELDA
I thought he died on the S.S. Russet!
SKIP
He did.
GHOST BLAZE
MOMMY!
GLORIA
Then explain that!
MCGRATH
He sounds pissed. I guess I would be too if I was dead.
SFX: A thrum as the nanobots whir louder, swarming toward them.
ZELDA
I don’t believe in ghosts...but he’s coming right at us!
MISSION VOICE
And fast!
GLORIA
Well, I always wanted to give this jabroni a taste of my fist! Step aside everyone!
The whirring gets louder as he gets closer...
SKIP
Uh... are you sure?
MCGRATH
Yeah G, he’s coming fast!
And closer...
GLORIA
Oh yeah, I got this sorry sack of potatoes in three...
Closer...
GLORIA
Two...
Everyone screams!
GLORIA
HIKEEBA!
THRUM! The nanobots dissipate in a soft burst!
GLORIA (gasp)
What the hell was that!?!
MCGRATH
Oh my god, Gloria! Are you Naruto?
SKIP
No, he almost... dissipated in a poof. Like a ghost.
BOWDEN
It was like a ghost...
(beat)
Variety was right: horror is so back!
ZELDA
It...couldn’t have been a ghost. Could it?
MISSION VOICE
Look, I know you all are the quote unquote B team, but what part of nanobots did you not understand?
BOWDEN
Mmmm...all of it?
MCGRATH
They couldn’t do THIS! Not the last time we saw them!
SKIP
McGrath, is it possible they’ve... evolved?
MCGRATH
Maybe...if the Admiral was instructing them -
MISSION VOICE
Fascinating, now let’s go! We have to get to the roof!
GLORIA
You know, in this modern age, we really do take elevators for granted!
GHOST VALERIAN (BRAD)
I’ll say!
Pause.
GLORIA
Um... tell me that was one of you.
SKIP/MCGRATH/BOWDEN/ZELDA/MISSION VOICE
Nope/Not me/Uh uh.
GLORIA
Who’s there?! I’ve busted one ghost tonight and I’m not afraid to do it again!
GHOST VALERIAN (CHAD)
Oh. You’re an NYU girl.
BOWDEN
Valerian!
SKIP
Which one!? Brad? Chad? Thad?
GHOST VALERIAN (TRIPLED)
Why not ALL OF THE ABOVE?
The nanoswarm reolves into...
MCGRATH
Oh shit, it’s a three-headed Valerian ghost!
GHOST VALERIAN (THAD)
Let’s rattle, Daddy-O!
(Chad)
You’re about to be cancelled -
(Brad)
- with extreme prejudice.
GLORIA
Okay, Valerians! You’re just a cloud of nanites. You can’t hurt us - MMPPH!
BOWDEN
Gloria!
The nanites SWARM HER!
SKIP
Help her!
ZELDA
They’re suffocating her!
MCGRATH
Stand back! I got a taser!
ZZZAP! The nanites burst apart and retreat!
GLORIA
Oh god...thanks McGrath...they REALLY couldn’t do THAT before -
MCGRATH
Uh...guys! Look down there! The storm...it’s coming up!?!?
The NANITE SWARM BEGINS TO RISE. VOICES of OLD ENEMIES BUBBLE UP in the storm!
ZELDA
As someone who has been to Pamplona, this is giving me massive flashbacks to what it looked like just before the running of the bulls.
SKIP
So Section Chief... as someone who has been to Pamplona... what should we do?
ZELDA
Run.
SFX: The bots SWARM! The crew runs up the next flight of stairs.
INT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bryce cooking in the kitchen. Kyle shuffles in. Tense.
KYLE
I’m gonna go to bed.
BRYCE
We just got all the stuff to make dinner though! My charcuterie board!
A beat. With a lot of meaning.
KYLE
I’m tired, Bryce.
BRYCE
Yeah, me too. I still want to eat.
KYLE
No, I -- I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of looking at a face that used to give me such a good feeling and... now...
BRYCE
And now you think I’m hideous! And my cooking is just sucky! The suckiest!
KYLE
Jesus, Bryce... maybe I could eat. What’s cooking?
BRYCE
How about a little... chicken piccata?
KYLE
I’m allergic to capers!
BRYCE
Oh. Well, I forgot--
KYLE
No! No you didn’t! I have told you I don’t know how many times!
BRYCE
Alright, alright! It takes too long anyway. HERE, I’ll just turn this into burritos. Since you just love stuffing your mouth with -
KYLE
No! You do this to test me, see what I’ll put up with and then you just-- pull me back in! It was the same thing with the origami incident of 2013 -- YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME! Our marriage is ending and you’re looking out the window-
BRYCE
No, over there, in the AthenaCorp building across the street, look!
He does.
KYLE
Oh come on! Like you’ve never seen a skyscraper being enveloped in an otherworldly nano-bot storm.
BRYCE
AND YOU HAVE?
KYLE
You’ll do anything not to have this conversation.
INT. ROOM 1729
From above, the lightning storm.
CHET (Hoarse from shouting)
Athena! Athena, listen to me! Your father is alive! And so is The Admiral! Terry is working with him!
No one answers but the storm.
CHET
Dammit. All right, think. You can’t undo these restraints, you don’t have a helpful robot. You have to figure this out or you’re useless to everyone.
KRISTATOS
I’ve always said as much.
CHET
Oh my god, Kris -
Kristatos DRAWS his knife and slaps a hand over Chet’s mouth.
KRISTATOS
Quiet, Phillips.
He removes his hand.
CHET
How did you get here?
KRISTATOS
The Admiral’s nanobots dragged us to the surface.
CHET
No, how did you get up here?
KRISTATOS
Here? This was my office. I had a secret back staircase for taking smoke breaks.
(electricity from above)
What is happening up there?
CHET
Athena’s building some kind of device with Terry Millionaire.
KRISTATOS
That coward? I will carve him up like a cottage potato.
CHET
Cut me loose, and we’ll stop her together.
Kristatos brandishes the knife.
KRISTATOS
Why would I need you?
CHET
Have you seen your daughter fight? You’re not forty anymore, Kristatos.
KRISTATOS
She will not fight her own father.
CHET
She’s being mind controlled by the Admiral. You wanna bet on that?
Beat. Then, Kristatos PULLS APART Chet’s restraints.
KRISTATOS
No false moves...partner.
CHET
You’re the boss.
Kristatos rummages through his desk.
KRISTATOS
Take this earpod. I used them for listening to Welcome to Nightvale. We can use them as communication devices.
CHET
Nightvale, smoke breaks, did you ever use this office for work?
KRISTATOS
I didn’t work here, Philips, I was retired. I was here to support Athena as I am here now.
Chet puts in the earpod.
CHET
You didn’t miss the good old days? The King of Potato Crime?
KRISTATOS (sighs)
Phillips. A man has to know when his time has come and gone. It is a sad man who lives only in the past.
CHET
...Let’s go.
They climb the ladder and CREAK open the door.
EXT. ATHENACORP ROOF - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The storm is gathering! Thunder!
CHET
C’mon. Stay low and quiet. I’m going around, you’re up the middle.
Chet slips off. Kristatos creeps past SURGING electricity.
KRISTATOS
What is all this?
CHET (ON THE COMMS)
She’s been obsessed with building it for months. The Admiral’s planted some idea in her head, and it can’t be good.
KRISTATOS
Very well. I will approach her. You slip behind and destroy the machine.
CHET (ON THE COMMS)
Buy me two minutes, and it’s done.
Kristatos walks out onto the roof towards Terry and Athena.
GHOST MARINA
There can be no more delays! Athena, make that little man hurry up!
ATHENA
Terry, you better finish setting up - or your taking the shortcut to the bottom floor.
TERRY
Do you want it done quickly or do you want it done right!? In fact, I seem to recall YOU said you could do this yourself. So if you want to resurrect your mother -
KRISTATOS
Athena?
ATHENA
Wh...
KRISTATOS
It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s me.
CHET (ON COMMS)
Watch it Kris, she’s got -
Athena PULLS A GUN.
ATHENA
What are you?!?
KRISTATOS
Okay okay okay! It’s me! It’s Daddy!
ATHENA
Shut up! It’s not possible! You’re a clone! My father is dead!
KRISTATOS
I survived the depths of the ocean and I came back for you.
ATHENA
There’s no way you could have survived down in the ocean for a year!
KRISTATOS
I grew potatoes from my jacket! They gave me food and oxygen -
ATHENA
Like in the The Martian?
KRISTATOS
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THE MARTIAN?
ATHENA
I TOOK YOU TO SEE IT because you wouldn’t shut up about the potato guy! Now I KNOW you’re a clone!
BLAM, and ricochet.
CHET (ON COMMS)
I’m getting there, Kris, don’t get shot!
KRISTATOS
YOUNG LADY I DID NOT TRAVEL ALL THE WAY FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN TO GET SHOT AT BY MY DAUGHTER. For once in your life you will show me some respect!
Beat.
ATHENA (close to cracking)
Dad is that really you?
CHET (ON COMMS)
You got her attention just keep it for sixty seconds.
KRISTATOS
Athena, Fletcher is still alive. He has used his flunky’s nanobots to infiltrate your mind. Whatever this science project is, you must stop it. Please.
ATHENA
C’mere and see what it is.
KRISTATOS
Why.
ATHENA
Take a look. If you’re really my dad, take a look and then tell me to shut it down.
He walks over. Gasps.
KRISTATOS
What...?
The recordings play.
MARINA (RECORDINGS)
Kris...Athena!...Oh honey...put that potato down and give me a kiss.
KRISTATOS
What it this, Athena?
ATHENA
It’s Mom. I built a new cloning machine. I still had a lock of her hair to use for the DNA. I went through all your old photo albums and recordings of her, and used the Genesis technology to rebuild her personality. I’m making a new mom!
KRISTATOS
The Admiral made you do this, why?
ATHENA
The Admiral? What? No. I did this. Or mom did...she’s...in my head.
KRISTATOS
I don’t understand what’s happening.
ATHENA
Well I do! I know there’s something in my head, and I’ve checked these plans ten times! It will work, dad. She can be with us again. I can do it. So should I, Dad?
KRISTATOS
...Chet Phillips is hiding behind that pylon.
CHET (ON COMMS)
Kris!
ATHENA
Freeze, janitor!
Chet stands in the clear.
CHET
One move and I’ll unplug it - GGGAHH!
Terry SLAMS a wrench down on Chet’s head! He falls unconscious!
TERRY
Seven eighths spanner. Just the right size.
INT. ATHENACORP HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The gang BURSTS out of an ACCESS STAIRWAY. They’re exhausted.
SKIP
That’s it. The top floor.
MCGRATH
Where’s the roof access?
They listen.
SKIP
End of the hallway.
They all grumble. Then the NANITE SWARM SOUNDS IN THE HALLWAY.
GLORIA
GET MOVING!
They RUN! The SWARM follows, BURBLING DEAD VILLIAN VOICES!
SKIP
In here! Room 1729!
They burst into:
INT. ROOM 1729
ZELDA
Barricade the door!
BOWDEN (trying)
They’re pouring in under the crack!
SKIP
McGrath?
MCGRATH
The swarm’s too powerful for one little taser zap too hurt them -
The door BURSTS OPEN! The SWARM POURS IN!
SKIP
This is it...
But the SWARM RACES UP through the OPENING IN THE CEILING TO THE ROOF!
GLORIA
Whhh...where’d they go?
BOWDEN
They went up. Up this ladder to...
(quietly)
The roof! We made it!
SKIP
McGrath, why did they ignore us?
They listen. The swarm HUMS ABOVE.
MCGRATH
Because there’s an even bigger swarm up there. Maybe its swarm personality is stronger and absorbed all the ghosts.
SKIP
The Admiral personality?
MCGRATH
Maybe...
GLORIA
Either way, we’ve made it! Time to attack!
BOWDEN
Sweetheart, my legs are now in the best shape of my life, but I need a rest!
MCGRATH (tearing open a package)
I need a jerky break.
ZELDA
For once, I agree with McGrath. Who knows what we’re going to face up there. Let’s rest while we can.
SKIP
Fine. Two minutes, gang.
MISSION VOICE
Rest is for the weak. I’m going to do some recon!
SKIP
You shouldn’t go up there alone!
MISSION VOICE
I’m not going anywhere.
SFX: She opens her rucksack and pulls out...
SKIP
A drone!
MISSION VOICE
Never leave home without them. I’ll see what she sees. All from the comfort of my...
SFX: POP! CLICK!
MISSION VOICE
Golf chair.
SFX: The drone flies off.
MCGRATH (Mouth full of jerky)
How do I get your job?
MISSION VOICE
Not with your mouth full.
SFX: We follow the sound of the drone up the stairs onto...
EXT. ATHENA CORPS HQ - ROOM - NIGHT
SFX: Thunder, lighting, rain. Electricity surging. Nanobots swirling. A huge crack of thunder.
KRISTATOS
Athena, be careful! You could be hit by lighting!
ATHENA (Adjusting an antenna)
I’ll be fine! I just need to get this damn rod a little higher...
SFX: The antenna snaps into place.
ATHENA
Yes!
SFX: BAM! A huge streak of lighting rains down from the sky, hitting the antenna. Athena lets out a yelp as she jumps back from the machine, which begins to whirr to life as power surges through it.
The WHOLE BUILDING LIGHTS UP WITH POWER and ELECTRIC EXPLOSIONS.
INT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT - NIGHT
KYLE
--you don’t every empty the vacuum cleaner, you leave the refrigerator just fully open about half the time, you UNROLL your sushi like a psychopath, and you’re constantly farting right when you walk by me and I’m starting to think you’re doing it on purpose--
BRYCE
You know, if I confronted you with a list of everything YOU do wrong--
KYLE
Oh I would love that.
BRYCE
Seriously? You would?
KYLE
Yes! Because by comparison it would clear things up real quick -
CRASH!! A BOLT of lightning, strikes the window, shattering the glass.
BRYCE
Holy--
KYLE
Get down!
He hits the floor.
KYLE
A lightning bolt?! Okay what in god’s name is going on over there?
BRYCE
Did you just dive past me and not pull me down with you? You were completely fine just letting me get fried?
KYLE
Oh whatever, I’ve had enough of whatever is going on over there.
He marches out.
BRYCE
Oh there you go again, walking out on me again the second things can get hard-- hey! Come back here, I’m still talking and you are going to eat this dinner one way or another...
Footsteps as he walks out after him.
BACK TO ATHENACORP ROOF
More ELECTRIC EXPLOSIONS as ATHENA LAUGHS IN TRIUMPH!
KRISTATOS
ATHENA!
ATHENA
That’s it! I did it! All I have to do is throw this switch and the cloning process will begin.
GHOST MARINA
YES! DO IT! MOTHER IS WAITING.
CHET (waking)
Ugggh, Athena, listen to me! You’re not yourself.
ATHENA
Keep him quiet, dad!
SFX: Kristatos draws his knife on Chet.
KRISTATOS
Quiet, Phillips.
CHET
Kris, come on, you know what she’s trying to do. She’s not in her right mind.
KRISTATOS
I do not know that, and neither do you.
CHET
Whatever’s in that machine is not Marina -
The knife rings.
KRISTATOS
Keep her name out of your filthy mouth.
CHET
What were you saying? About people’s time coming and going?
KRISTATOS
She was taken too young, murdered by a government agent.
CHET
She was! You’re right! But...no matter how much you want things to be the way they were before...it can never be the same again. Whatever’s in that box, it’s not gonna be the same.
ATHENA
Dad. Whatever Chetty’s saying to you, get away from him.
CHET
Listen to me! I know we’ve had our issues, but what if we just walked away? Right now. Together. Start fresh and just see where the future takes us. No more clinging to the past - for either of us. I’m ready for that. Are you?
GHOST MARINA
Don’t listen to them, Athena. Stupid, frightened men.
ATHENA
Don’t worry, mom. They’ll see soon enough.
KRISTATOS
Athena, who are you talking to? There is no one there.
ATHENA
It’s okay, dad. She’ll be with you again soon.
SFX: Athena throws the switch.
CHET
Oh, sweetheart, what have you done?
KRISTATOS
Shut your mouth, Phillips, and stay put. Athena -
Kristatos walks over toward Athena. A drone hovers over Chet’s head.
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
We’ve got to stop meeting like this.
CHET
You found me!
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
And brought the cavalry.
CHET
Thank god. She’s already started the cloning process, then she just has to upload the artificial personality.
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
Don’t all the O’Briens have artificial personalities?
CHET
The Admiral is behind all of this! She pushes the GO button, and whatever he’s planning, that’s the endgame!
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
Well let’s see what Team B can do.
INT. STAIRWAY TO THE ROOF - CONTINUOUS
SKIP
Alright, team. Two minutes is up. Let’s go.
SFX: The gang wearily stands.
SKIP
Last one to the top is a rotten egg!
SFX: Skip heads up.
MCGRATH
I can’t stand when he’s peppy in the face of certain death. It’s his worst quality.
ZELDA
Come on, McGrath. Where’s your sense of adventure?
MCGRATH
Fifty floors down.
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT
The gang scrambles to a hiding place on the roof. ELECTRICITY is SHOWERING EVERYWHERE.
GLORIA
This is not up to code.
BOWDEN
Another case for Sheriff Staryu.
ZELDA
Any chance we can pull the plug?
MCGRATH
It’s powered by lightning and connected to nothing. If the wiring is robust enough, an EMP wouldn’t knock it out.
SKIP
Then we restrain Athena. Prevent her from finishing the process. It’s the only way. We need a distraction.
MISSION VOICE
Well. I did promise Athena a date...shall I?
SKIP
Send in the drones.
The drone ZIPS across the roof...
ATHENA
She’s almost done, Dad. She’s almost -
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
Excuse me. I think this is a fire hazard.
ATHENA
You?
KRISTATOS
What is that, the granddaddy nanobot?
MINI-MCGRATH
I want it!
ATHENA
It’s one of the EMF’s fancy drones. I caught so many of them back on the Russet.
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
Those were all automated, though. Much dumber.
ATHENA
Were they, though?
She JAMS A POWER SPIKE THROUGH THE DRONE!
MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE)
Aw shit -
The drone EXPLODES!
SKIP
NOW!
GLORIA
GET HER -
TERRY
Not so fast, friends!
Five LARGE ROBOTS ROLL IN THEIR WAY!
ATHENA
Granger?!?
TERRY
You can thank me later, Ms. O’Brien. My robots have the situation well in hand.
ZELDA
Where did these even come from?
TERRY
Self-replicating! Much like my nanobots, but on a larger scale. I needed assistance in building this device, and didn’t have time to build the builders.
BOWDEN
So you built builders to build the builders?
TERRY
When you put it that way it sounds dumb.
ATHENA
JUST CAPTURE THEM.
TERRY
Yes of course.
The robots SPRING INTO ACTION! They grip M.V., Bo & Gloria.
GLORIA
Bowden! Uggghhh!!!
BOWDEN
These robots are going to murder us like Squirtle!
MISSION VOICE
I can’t believe those are the last words I’m going to ever hear.
SKIP
We’ve got to help them!
ZELDA
No! Get to Athena!
Zelda FIGHTS THE FOURTH ROBOT as Skip and McGrath advance!
MCGRATH
C’mon, babe, don’t make us fight you!
ATHENA
Well you could leave, babe! May I suggest a leap off the roof?
MCGRATH
Look around you! You’re Frankensteining the whole building! It’s so clearly mad scientist!
ATHENA
And?
SKIP
Look out, McGrath!
The last ROBOT GRABS FOR MCGRATH, but Skip SHOVES HER AWAY!
ATHENA
Terry your robots are slow as shit! And there’s only one left to grab two idiots -
There’s a CRUNCHING, MECHANICAL SOUND, and...
TERRY
Self-replicating.
MCGRATH
Aw, shit. Run, Skip!
SKIP
Right behind you!
MCGRATH
I’m - whoa!
SKIP
McGrath!
MCGRATH
Something tripped me! OH COME ON!
MINI-MCGRATH
You said we’d do the hokey pokey!
MCGRATH
You little - gah!
A Terry robot GETS HER!
SKIP
McGrath!
ATHENA
One rat left to capture.
KRISTATOS
Give up, Granger! This is not your affair!
SKIP
Athena, Kristatos, please! You don’t know what you’re - AH!
The last robot GETS SKIP!
TERRY
Last one.
CHET
Oh, Terry, you never could count!
Chet LUNGES at Terry. They fight!
ATHENA
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE MACHINE!
TERRY
You forget, Chet, I wasn’t just a philanthropist billionaire...I was Wharton Black Tie Fight Night Champ!
CHET
Who boxes in tuxedos!?!?
TERRY
GENTLEMEN!
Chet and Terry fight.
SKIP
Kristatos! Athena’s not in her right mind!
KRISTATOS (unsure)
Athena knows what she is doing.
ATHENA
That’s right. I know exactly what I’m doing.
MCGRATH
Athena, the Admiral -
ATHENA
BLAH BLAH BLAH The Admiral is trying to control me through the nanobots, right? SO EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING.
MCGRATH
Then why are you -
ATHENA
I DON’T CARE. I don’t care what he expects to happen here. Because I am gonna get my mother back.
SKIP
You won’t!
ATHENA
Oh, do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I went through all this trouble with no safeguards? That I’d chance it if my mom was going to come back all Pet Semetary or Frankensteined? This is MY work. She’ll be PERFECT.
KRISTATOS (a little numb)
Perfect.
MCGRATH
Athena, I know you want her back, but this is nuts!
ATHENA
Oh, SCREW YOU, EMF. I know why you’re trying to stop me. Because you belong to the group that killed her.
MCGRATH
That was Prescott - and he paid the piper for it!
ATHENA
You don’t want one more brilliant O’Brien in the world, causing trouble. Wasn’t she the smart one, Daddy?
KRISTATOS
She was.
ATHENA
They killed her, and now you want her to stay dead. Because you’re afraid of her. Right?
MCGRATH
I think we should be afraid of these nanobots!
The SWARM INTENSIFIES.
GHOST MARINA
Athena. Athena. It is time!
COMPUTER
Clone completed. Upload personality?
(beat)
Upload personality?
KRISTATOS
Athena?
ATHENA
You’re all just afraid of the O’Brien women.
She walks over to the machine.
SKIP
I’m not.
ATHENA
Oh, what is this now.
SKIP
Athena if I could throw a switch and give you your mother back I would but...this isn’t that.
ATHENA
Don’t try to good-guy-splain me out of this, Granger!
SKIP
Think about the person you’re about to create. Think about the clone.
ATHENA
She’s my mom! She’ll be my mom!
SKIP
Okay, she’ll be your mom! So think about her! You’re going to bring a person into this world, and then program them to be exactly what you want them to be! Is that fair? I’m here to tell you it’s not. My father thought he could shape my life just be flipping a few switches. This isn’t any different. Do you want that for your mom? That’s not a relationship, Athena! That’s not...real.
ATHENA
SHUT UP.
SKIP
It’s your choice. Throw the switch or don’t, we can’t stop you.
ATHENA
...that’s right.
COMPUTER
Upload personality?
Athena turns and grabs the switch. She hesitates.
KRISTATOS
Athena...he’s right.
ATHENA (starting to cry)
Shut up, daddy!
KRISTATOS
Athena? Let her go.
Athena cries a little. Then throws a switch.
ATHENA
NO!
COMPUTER
Personality. Uploading.
The nanobots swarm the machine.
KRISTATOS (Stunned)
Athena...
GHOST MARINA (Glitching)
Athena...I...am...so...proud...ha ha ha ha ha!
MCGRATH
Uhh...this ghost doesn’t sound sane, Skip.
SKIP
I think we’re in trouble.
ATHENA
Mom!?!?
Marina laughs manically, horrifyingly, but the voices begins to change...and the laughter becomes that of THE ADMIRAL!
GHOST ADMIRAL
I’M SOOOOOO PROUD!
The machine SURGES WITH POWER! The others are KNOCKED BACK BY THE SPARKS!
ATHENA
NO!
SKIP
Admiral!
ADMIRAL
THANK YOU, ATHENA.
ATHENA
There’s no backdoor into this machine! And I nanoproofed it!
ADMIRAL
THAT YOU DID.
ATHENA
So there’s no way you snuck your claws into the guts of this thing without human help - AAH
KRISTATOS
GAAAH!
More ROBOTS GRAB Athena and Kristatos!
ATHENA
TERRY. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MOM?
TERRY (Still boxing Chet)
Remember when I said I didn’t know anything about the cloning machine? I LIED. We were never bringing your mother back. I’ve been programming the machine to bring back its last subject: Admiral Fletcher.
CHET
You son of a b -
Another robot is generated and grabs Chet!
TERRY
I think I’m done distracting you.
GHOST ADMIRAL
WELL DONE TERRY!
TERRY
Thank you, sir!
COMPUTER
Clone completed.
TERRY
It was simple while Athena was...in her fugue states.
ELECTRICITY SPARKS!
TERRY
HE RETURNS!
ATHENA
Daddy, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!
KRISTATOS
It’s alright, Athena. We are here together. We will defeat him again.
A CHAMBER OPENS! And out steps....
ADMIRAL
Welcome me back to the land of the living, my friends!
GLORIA (disgusted)
OH GOD
MCGRATH
Please put some pants on Admiral!
SKIP
He’s so much younger!
BOWDEN
It’s not helping!
ADMIRAL
I have returned to the world of the living, free as the day my mother bore me!
CHET
I’ll bet the hospital gave you clothing immediately!
ADMIRAL
And now - with your help, Athena - I am more than a mortal man. I am a god! Witness the power of this great swarm of nanites at my command! KILL THEM ALL!
Nothing happens.
ADMIRAL
Perhaps the nanobots didn’t hear me. Kill them all?
(nothing)
Uhhh mátalos? Nanoo nanoo? Terry, is there a password or something?
TERRY
There is.
ADMIRAL
Wonderful, would you very sweetly give it to me?
TERRY
I think...not. Terrybot?
MINI-MCGRATH
Yes dad?
TERRY
Give the password.
MINI-MCGRATH
HOKEY POKEY!
The SWARM ATTACKS THE ADMIRAL!
ADMIRAL
NOOOOO
TERRY
You see, Admiral, I realized that the nanites were connected to your previous cloned body, and your swarm personality. By uploading yourself into this new body, you have relinquished control...to me.
MINI-MCGRATH
I’m a weapons depot now!
ADMIRAL
NOOOO MY NANOBOTS!
The Admiral SINKS TO A NAKED HEAP ON THE GROUND!
TERRY
Well then. We’ve come full circle, haven’t we, folks? It seems I once again control this building, my nanobot swarm, my many, many robots, and the cloning machine I always desired. Bring them to me!
The ROBOTS roll towards Terry, dragging Skip, McGrath, Gloria, Bowden, M. Voice, and Zelda close!
ZELDA
You’ll pay for this, Millionaire!
TERRY
Well I seem to once again have the funds to do so.
ATHENA
You won’t take my company -
TERRY
Uh uh uh! Not so fast, O’Briens!
MINI-MCGRATH
Right foot in!
The nano swarm the O’Briens in.
ATHENA AND KRISTATOS (ad lib)
Aah! The nanobots!
TERRY
Stay where you are and the swarm will not choke the life out of you.
GLORIA
Don’t fight the swarm, Athena! We’ve already tried!
BOWDEN
You’ll never get away with this, Terry!
TERRY
I don’t see why not. Bow down before by total capitalistic might! I will unleash my nanobots and self-replication construction robots to mold the world to my will and create my greatest venture yet: TerryWorld!
MISSION VOICE
Sounds like the name of the world’s saddest theme park.
TERRY
Doesn’t matter, you’ll be living in it! Do you hear me, world?
Terry walks to the roof’s edge and laughs out at the city.
ATHENA
Hey, screw you asshole!
TERRY
Terry Bot...do the hokey pokey!
MINI-MCGRATH
Yay!
TERRY
Swarm the entire city and rebuild it in my image!
MINI-MCGRATH
And?
TERRY
...and turn yourself around.
Mini-McGrath burns with power - the nanobots thrust her high above the ground! The swarm begins to pour into the city!
CHET
Oh my God! McGrath, your robot can fly?
MCGRATH
It’s the nanobots! She’s using them to levitate. She must have complete control over the swarm!
BOWDEN
Guys! She’s sending clouds of nanobots down into the city streets!
SCREAMS from the streets below!
SKIP
Guys, I know I don’t usually like to use vulgarities but if any situation calls for it, it’s this - our goose may be cooked!
MISSION VOICE
Careful Skip, you can’t take that kind of language back.
MCGRATH
Guys - if Terry wired all his command of the robots and nanites through Mini-McGrath...I think I can get her back under control.
SKIP
Are you sure?
MCGRATH
I built her. Underneath all the garbled code and recursive slop, I know how she thinks. I got this.
MINI MCGRATH (glitching)
This power is si-si-sick! Hasta la vista, pickleback!
MCGRATH
Hey Mini-Mcgrath! Nice job, narc.
MINI-MCGRATH
You’re the narc, narc!
MCGRATH
Really? You look like Terry’s trained monkey right now.
MINI MCGRATH
I do wh-wh-what I w-w-
MCGRATH
You w-w-what? You’re kissing corporate boots now?
MISSION VOICE
Better than you! You-y-you-you threw me in the GaRRbaGE, MOM.
MCGRATH
Well...I know. Okay I shouldn’t have done that, no matter how annoying you were. Because what family is - annoying each other, not handling it well and lashing out, and then finding a way to come together and grow from it.
MINI MCGRATH (processing)
...f-f-family?
MCGRATH
Yeah, family. The EMF is a family: me, Skip, Zelda, Gloria, Mission Voice, Bowden... and you. You don’t need a boss. You need a family.
A long, heartfelt beat.
MINI MCGRATH
I’ll have six California rolls and a burrito, please!
MCGRATH
OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST--
MINI MCGRATH (glitching the eff out)
F--FAMILY! FAMILY! TACO FAMILY! O’BRIEN PO-PO-PO-TATO TACO FAMILY! FAMILY IS PAIN! MUST MAKE MORE FAMILY!!!
SFX: Sound of Mini McGrath smoking and glitching as every wire in her circuity crosses, twists, and snaps.
MCGRATH
Uh-- guys? Maybe I don’t got this.
TERRY MILLIONAIRE (from the rooftop)
Do you hear me, city! I - what are you doing over there? Ahh my little control bot!
SKIP
Oh my god, what’s happening to her?
GLORIA
She’s trying to process the deep conflict and simultaneous happiness and pain that family brings and she’s completely short circuiting!
BOWDEN
Wow, we’re going oh-for-two with eleventh hour savior monologues.
SFX: An electric sound effect - ZZSSSSTZZT! SPPRRT!
TERRY
Ahhh! My nanite swarm!
SFX: WHOOSH!
MINI MCGRATH
Swarm! Family! Swarm! Family!
A CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY!
SKIP
Hey! The robots went dead!
MCGRATH
I think Mini-McGrath is taking up all of their processing power!
GLORIA
Thank goodness! Get out of their grip!
The gang struggles free!
ATHENA
Great job dumbasses but HERE COME THE NANOBOTS!
SFX: Whoosh as the nanobots swoop around in a nanobot tornado.
ZELDA
Great. A tiny robot version of Mackenzie McGrath has control of a deadly swarm of nanobots!
SKIP
Wait, so what does this mean? What’s going to happen?
ATHENA
ANYTHING. ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN!
BOWDEN
I mean, surely not anything -
BOOOM.
CHET
What was that?
MCGRATH
It came from down in the streets -
BOOOM.
ZELDA
I thoughts those nanites couldn’t form physical objects!
GLORIA
Well, they knocked me to the ground!
MCGRATH
I guess enough of them could band together and form -
SKIP
No! No it can’t be!
CHET
What?
ATHENA
What did she make Granger?
BOOOM!
SKIP
...it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
MCGRATH
WHAT?
SKIP
Well not literally. She’s just formed a massive kaju sized version of herself.
MCGRATH
A MEGA MCGRATH?
ROOOOAR! The people in the streets SCREAM! Buildings RUMBLE!
BOWDEN
Well there’s something you don’t see every day!
GLORIA
I told you not to show her movies!
MCGRATH
Whoa whoa whoa, nobody showed her anything!
GLORIA
Well she’s only got in that little processor things you fed into her head!
MCGRATH
Did you show her Ghostbusters?
GLORIA
No!
MCGRATH
Did you?
BOWDEN
No!
MCGRATH
I didn’t show her Ghostbusters!
Silence.
MCGRATH
Skip?
SKIP
...I couldn’t help it. We had the BluRay player...I just popped it in there. And then Godzilla. And then Spaceballs. We were having a marathon!
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Stop it! Someone stop that thing! Give me back my beautiful, unregulated nanobots!
MINI MCGRATH
Minions! Family! Minions! Swarm of taco minions!
SKIP
I didn’t mean for this to happen!
MCGRATH
No, Skip - this is my bad.
ATHENA
Oh, screw it, no. This is all my fault.
KRISTATOS
No. It is those monsters Fletcher and Millionaire.
CHET
Enough! I know exactly how to deal with this. You want to clean up a mess? You send in a janitor. Athena? Gimme your gun.
ATHENA
Are you kidding me? I’m not -
Kris tosses the gun to Chet, who cocks and aims.
KRISTATOS
Take it. End this madness.
ATHENA
Dad!
CHET
Mission accepted.
MCGRATH
Chet, don’t shoot the -
BOOM! It’s too late, Chet fires at Mini McGrath, but the bullets ricochet off! Everyone scatters!
MINI-MCGRATH
Right foot out!
CHET
What the - AHHHHHHH!
The swarm attacks Chet and Kristatos, who fall in a heap! Athena runs over to protect them!
ATHENA
DAD! DAMMIT! They’re out cold!
MINI-MCGRATH
Now you shake it all about!
The entire AthenaCorps building starts to rumble.
ZELDA
Jesus, that Mega McGrath is going to take the whole building down!
TERRY
Terry Bot, stop this! I command you!
BOWDEN
Funny us going out like this!
SKIP
Who would have thought a philanthropist billionaire would destroy the world!?
ATHENA
Don’t you people have reinforcements you can call?
MCGRATH
Who we gonna call?
BANG! The door to the roof bursts open - it’s Bryce and Kyle.
BRYCE
Alright, what in the hell is going on up here?
KYLE
Yeah, some of us want to break up without getting fried by lightning or stepped on!
ATHENA
Ugh, who are these bozos?
GLORIA
Yes! Reinforcements! Bryce, Kyle, we need your help!
BRYCE
Ugh. The EMF. Can this night get any worse?
KYLE
Hey, we’re not friends, you lot! So we got no reason to -
ZELDA
We’ll pay you.
KYLE
Right. Who should we murder first?
ADMIRAL
I suggest Terry!
KYLE
Well, hello, sailor!
BRYCE
So like you! Attracted to every naked man on a rooftop you see!
KYLE
My God, Bryce!
MINI MCGRATH
I AM YOUR GOD! LEFT HAND IN!
The SWARM MEGA MCGRATH ROARS and GRABS KYLE!
KYLE
Bryce, look out! AHHHHH!
Kyle pushes Bryce out of the way, and the hand-swarm engulfs Kyle!
BRYCE
Kyle! Kyle, baby are you okay!?
KYLE
I...can’t move! It’s like a giant hand made of Hercules moths!
TERRY
Terrybot! This is your admin! Relinquish all privileges to me -
MINI-MCGRATH
LEFT HAND OUT!
TERRY
NOOOOO
The hand SWATS TERRY, KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS!
MCGRATH
Yeah, I don’t think she’s letting anyone get near her.
SKIP
Not without a reason...
ZELDA
That sounds to me like you have an idea, Agent Granger?
SKIP
One.
ZELDA
Then do your thing and save the world.
ROOOAR!
SKIP
Run!
BRYCE
Kyle! Let him go you bully!
KYLE
Just run Bryce! Ahhhh -
The SWARM HAND LIFTS KYLE INTO THE AIR! The gang RUNS behind the MACHINE while the MEGA MCGRATH ROARS.
SKIP
McGrath, if we could get near Mini McGrath, could you build a device that would shut it off?
MCGRATH
Yeah. I just need Bowden’s phone.
BOWDEN
What? Why my phone?
MISSION VOICE
Just do it, Montcrief.
BOWDEN
Okay fine...
He grumbles and hands over his phone.
SKIP
Okay, now - me, Athena, Kyle, Bowden, and Zelda are gonna keep the robots off McGrath while you make the device. McGrath, can we attach it the device to a drone?
MCGRATH
Nah, it’s gonna mess with any machinery it comes in contact with.
SKIP
Then Gloria - you’re gonna get it up there.
GLORIA
ME? Skip, I know that you all have gotten used to me pulling off some wild moves, but I can’t jump 25 feet in the air!
SKIP
I’m betting with a boost you can get pretty darn close - Bryce, over here!
BRYCE
Finally, someone who needs me!
Footsteps as Bryce runs over.
SKIP
Bryce, Gloria’s gonna take a running leap, you’re gonna springboard her up there - can you do it!
BRYCE
I was the head of the Garnet Valley cheer squad. I can do anything!
KYLE (calling from the air)
Except load the dishwasher properly! Arggghhhh -
SKIP
McGrath, do you have the device?
MCGRATH
Here it is - I reversed the power core voltage and rewired the microchip overlay. It’s basically a super fast battery drainer. The range is small though.
SKIP
How small?
MCGRATH
Three feet.
GLORIA
I basically have to make dead on contact with her! I can’t do that mid air - she’ll dodge!
BOWDEN
Or dip, dive, duck or dodge!
SKIP
Then we’re just going to have to give her a reason to not.
BRYCE
Here, someone hold my burrito while I stretch.
GLORIA (Taking the burrito)
Okay...oh. OH!!
MCGRATH
Bryce, you magnificent bastard, I could kiss you!
SKIP
That cursed Tamagotchi up there has been calling for tacos and burritos so let’s give her what she wants! Give me the phone--and the burrito.
Skip squishes it into the burrito.
MCGRATH
What a waste.
BOWDEN
You’re destroying my phone, and a burrito is a waste?
SKIP
Ready Gloria and Bryce?
GLORIA/BRYCE
Ready.
KYLE
Bryce, what are you doing? You could get hurt!
BRYCE
If it saves you, it’s worth it.
GLORIA
Alright Bryce, you get low, I’ll take a running leap-
BRYCE
And I’ll do a rounded camel back jump toss.
GLORIA
Perfect!
Footsteps as she backs up. The fight is still raging in the background.
GLORIA
Three!
BRYCE
Two!
SKIP
One!
Gloria runs! Grunt as she jumps on Bryce, another grunt as he jumps and lifts her-
She FLIES through the air with the burrito!
SKIP
Hey! Mini Mcgrath! Do you like Mexican?
MINI-MCGRATH
GOD TACOS FAMILY DEATH!
GLORIA
Special delivery!
She throws the burrito!
MINI MCGRATH
Burritoooooooooo! Nom! Nom! Nom!
SKIP
Well how about those Mexicans?
BOWDEN
Oh, Skip, no. Just no.
ZSWOOOOOOOOOOOOMPH! Mini-McGrath overloads and shuts down! The MEGA MCGRATH DISINTEGRATES! The nano bot swarm fall harmless to the Earth like rain!
Heavy panting in the silence of all of the power off mini bots.
ADMIRAL
Did... did we do it?
MISSION VOICE
I don’t know how you define WE.
GLORIA
Oh my god, we did! Did you see that jump!
BOWDEN
You were amazing my love! Like a beautiful soaring, burrito-delivering phoenix!
(beat)
Could that...? No, that’s too out there to be a movie. Who am I, Neon Pictures?
GLORIA
And Bryce, that was the most beautiful rounded camel back jump toss.
BRYCE
What can I say? When I slay, I slay!
KYLE
Bryce, you were amazing! You saved us!
ADMIRAL (laughing awkwardly)
Well... all’s well that ends well, right?
ATHENA
Oh absolutely not.
ZELDA
Not a chance, Fletcher. You, Terry, and Athena will all have to answer for your crimes.
ATHENA
Me? Hey, technically I didn’t do my big ultimate plan - and I was being manipulated by the nanobots!
ZELDA
I suppose that’s true. But still, the Admiral and Terry--
ADMIRAL
No no, not me, I was never here-- SMOKE BOMB!
He claps.
ZELDA
You know that in order to escape in a puff from a smoke bomb, you have to actually have a smoke bomb.
ADMIRAL
Well... it was worth a try. Goodbye!
ZELDA
Wait, no what are you--
SKIP
He’s running away!
The Admiral leaps off the building!
GLORIA
Oh my god, he just leapt off the building!
Everyone rushes over to look.
MCGRATH
Where’d he go?
GLORIA
He’s gone! He disappeared!
BOWDEN
And somehow a naked man vanishing in mid-air is the least weird thing about tonight.
ZELDA
Let’s wrangle Terry. Still alive Terry?
TERRY
Uggggghhh
ZELDA
Don’t suppose you want to try any daring escapes?
TERRY MILLIONAIRE
Off the side of the building? No thank you...I’ll take my chances in court...I was pursuing capitalism, a jury will understand.
MCGRATH
I really hate this guy.
Zelda slaps some cuffs on Terry.
KYLE
Hey, Bryce...? Gloria was right - that rounded camel back jump toss was beautiful. And your chicken burrito ...it saved the world.
BRYCE
You’re just saying that.
KYLE
I feel like I finally have the perspective Dr. Khouri has been talking about and I think... I think we can give this another try. For real this time.
BRYCE
Sounds amazing. Over dinner? I’ll...make steak.
KYLE
How’s about we make it together?
Chet and Kristatos start to come to.
ATHENA
Oh, Jesus, Dad! Are you alright?
CHET
Eggh...did I kill the evil robot?
KRISTATOS
Ugggh...no, you knocked US out you MORON!
ATHENA
It was...very brave, you two. Come on, let’s get you up.
ZELDA
So...I Said we were going to talk about what your job entails.
MISSION VOICE
You did.
ZELDA
How did you like being in the field? Bring back memories? Maybe we can make this a regular thing?
MISSION VOICE
It was...terrible. I’m better used behind the scenes. And don’t try to dredge up the past, Zelda...it’s not a good look on you.
ZELDA
Hmph. Someday.
MINI-MCGRATH (sparking out)
Burrito...burrito...
GLORIA
I thought you drained all her power.
MCGRATH
There must be some residual energy in her battery, but she’s harmless now. The swarm dissipated.
ATHENA
These TerryBots are weirdly sturdy. They were meant to be played with by kids, after all. Her insides are fried, but...you could probably rebuild her.
MCGRATH
Yeah. I have to. I owe her something.
BOWDEN
What’s that?
MINI-MCGRATH
Burrito...
MCGRATH
Yeah, kid. Burritos for everyone,
MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
The door opens.
ZELDA
Well, Agent Granger, another fine...oh. Hello...Mister... Janitor? President?
CHET
Just Chet, Zelda.
ZELDA
Where is everyone?
CHET
I think they went to the park.
ZELDA
Really? And...are you cleaning? Infiltrating? Asking for PAC money?
CHET
I’m here to give you this.
Hands over a paper.
ZELDA
Well if it’s a birthday card, you’re three months late.
(she opens it)
Oh. What? A letter of resignation?
CHET
That’s right.
ZELDA
And you’re comfortable...with retirement?
CHET
I’ve...chosen to accept it.
(beat)
I think I’ve finally heard what you’ve been trying to say for the past six years - my whole solo act doesn’t work anymore. I forced my way onto this mission, I didn’t report in what I found, and then I tried to take out a killer robot with a potato gun...and all I did was get captured and knock myself out cold. It takes a team to save the day. Your team.
ZELDA
This is hitting me harder than I thought it would.
CHET
We have history. It’s been a while.
ZELDA
It’s been an epoch.
CHET
You brought me into the game. You should see me out of it.
ZELDA
Very well. Godspeed, Mister Phillips. What’s next?
CHET
I’m...gonna find out.
(he stands)
Bye Zelda.
He walks out into the hallway. He laughs a little sadly under his breath.
He exits into the parking lot.
Two MASKED GOONS JUMP HIM.
CHET (bag over head)
HEY!
GOON 1
Just breathe, friend.
GOON 2
Enjoy retirement.
The Goons voices DEEPEN, and CHET COLLAPSES.
MUSICAL TRANSITION
INT. THE PARK - DAY
The gang frolics in the park. Mini McGrath staggers along.
SKIP
So...is she...safe?
MINI-MCGRATH
Burrito! Burrito!
MCGRATH
Yeah. I had to wipe a lot of her memory and generative chat functions. Plus, she has all new innards.
MINI-MCGRATH
Look! A cat!
GLORIA
That’s a grasshopper, Mini-McGrath.
MINI-MCGRATH
A cat!
GLORIA
Sure.
MCGRATH
Thanks for the spare parts, Athena.
ATHENA
Well, I’m purging the company of all old TerryCorps tech just in case those nanobots come back.
MINI-MCGRATH
Mom! Look! Cat! Cat!
ATHENA
I’m glad someone got their mom back.
SKIP
Athena, you and I certainly have our differences, but I want you to know -
ATHENA
I get it, Skip. What you said on the roof...you were right. You’re sorry my mom’s dead, I’m sorry your dad is an asshole.
SKIP
Thanks.
MCGRATH
Man, I always knew I’d make a terrible mom, but I’m not sure I thought I’d raise a monster.
GLORIA
She only calls you “mom”, though. She’s not...
MCGRATH
What?
GLORIA
...you know. Real.
MCGRATH
I know. It’s...hard to explain.
BOWDEN
Oh I get it.
SKIP
Yeah?
BOWDEN
I’m a bit of an expert on people who aren’t real, you know. I’ve been a few. And...it’s just a weird trick of being human, that a fictional person can sometimes fill a place in your heart, for good...or ill.
MCGRATH
You didn’t get the Pokemon movie, did you?
BOWDEN
Matthew Rhys wins two Emmys in one night and suddenly NO ONE ELSE can be a sentient starfish!
MCGRATH
Sorry, dude.
BOWDEN
It’s okay. Really. Just...look after your kid. Robot. Thing.
SKIP
She will - where is she, McGrath?
MINI-MCGRATH
Cat! Cat!
GLORIA
Oh no don’t -
SQUASH.
MINI-MCGRATH
Disassembled!
MCGRATH (sighs)
I’ll reprogram her again.
SKIP
No, don’t.
MCGRATH
Don’t?
SKIP
...we are who we are.
END THEME
MISSION VOICE
Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer, Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin, and Paige Klaniecki, from a story by Pete Barry and J. Michael DeAngelis. Directed by Pete Barry.
It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini-McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice
Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien
Jill Ivey as Onlooker #2, Radio Voice, and Computer
Bob Killion as Security Guy, Goon, and The Admiral
Guest Starring
David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire and Onlooker #3
Sheree Wichard as Marina O’Brien
Pete Barry as Kristatos O’Brien, Dock Officer, and Kyle
John Dowgin as Dock Lieutenant and Cyclist
J. Michael DeAngelis as Harbormaster, Bryce, and Commissionaire
Dustin Miller as Onlooker #1
Dustin Karrat as Blaze Taggert
Natty Leach as Valerian
Bonnie Brantley as Biddy #1
Sarah Golding as Biddy #2
Music, sound editing, and mixing by Pete Barry
Script Editor
J. Michael DeAngelis
Finally, a season finale where I’m the real hero. Though, when you think about it…aren’t I the heroine of every episode? I think so. It’s hard work, so I’m going to put my feet up for a while before the next season. Don’t worry, we have lots of surprises in store to fill the time, especially for our Patreon members. Join us at patreon.com/missionrejected to get every episode early and ad-free, plus tons of bonus audio and hiatus extras.
This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission Rejected will return in 2027.
INT. CHET’S HOUSE - MORNING
SFX: Chet is asleep, moaning softly as if having an unpleasant dream. The room itself is quiet except for a ticking clock, but outside the window we can hear the faint sounds of civilization. The clock’s alarm goes off and Chet wakes with a start.
CHET (Waking with a start)
ATHENA!
SXF: Chet catches his breath.
CHET
Jesus. Who uses an alarm clock?
SFX: Chet smacks the alarm off.
CHET
I feel like I went on a three day bender that I can’t remember. Hope I had a good time.
SFX: A radio bursts to life with pleasant “good morning” music.
RADIO VOICE (ON RADIO)
Good morning, citizens! It’s another beautiful day in the community! Don’t forget, the annual “best window box garden” contest is tomorrow...hope your thumbs have been green!
CHET
What? Where the hell am I? This looks like my house...but...god, when was the last time I was home? I was a prisoner at AthenaCorps, then Skipper and the company raided and then...THE ADMIRAL! He’s alive! I’ve got to find him!
SFX: Chet runs out of the house to...
EXT. THE COMMUNITY - MORNING
SFX: A bustling, but old fashioned town center. Bicycles, but not cars. The same music from the radio is being played through a public address system throughout the town.
CHET
What the...
SFX: A bicyclist rides by, ringing his bell.
CYCLIST
Clear the road!
CHET (Jumping back)
Who rides a penny-farthing!??!
CYCLIST (Riding off. Said as a farewell)
Tra la!
CHET (Calling after)
Hey, what is this place!?!?
SFX: The penny-farthing rolls further down the path.
CHET
I’m still asleep. Or in a coma. Yeah, that’s it..it was only a matter of time, really.
SFX: Two old biddies come strolling by.
BIDDY 1
Good morning, young man!
BIDDY 2
What a handsome new neighbor we have.
CHET
Ladies, I wonder if you might do me a favor.
BIDDY 2
Anything for a neighbor!
BIDDY 1
Especially a handsome one!
CHET
Can you tell me where we are?
BIDDY 1 & BIDDY 2
The community!
BIDDY 1
Silly boy!
BIDDY 2
Tra la!
BIDDY 1
Tra la!
SFX: They move off. Chet starts to follow.
CHET
WHAT community!? If this is another crazy Oceanologist plot...
SFX: Without having heard anyone approach, a refined English accented man is suddenly behind Chet.
COMMISSIONAIRE
No Oceanologists here, old boy.
CHET (Spinning around, startled)
Huh?
COMMISSIONAIRE
Hello, Caretaker. How’s every little thing?
CHET
Caretaker? Listen, you don’t want me taking care of anything. My name is Ch -
COMMISSIONAIRE
Zeta Tau. And you may call me the Commissionaire. You’ll find it’s much easier than using names.
CHET
What do you want with me?
COMMISSIONAIRE
Myself, nothing more than to make you feel at home here in the Community. Others may have more...lofty objectives.
CHET
Who’s in charge? Why was I brought here?
COMMISSIONAIRE
In good time, Caretaker, in good time! For now, why not have a spot of breakfast? We’ll talk again soon. Tra la.
CHET
I want to see the man in charge.
COMMISSIONAIRE
Listen, C.T., when I say you should get comfortable, I mean it. You’re going to be here for a very long time.
CHET
How long?
COMMISSIONAIRE
Forever.
MUSIC: STINGER