SEASON FOUR, BONUS: “GLORIA KOVAK, PI”
TRANSCRIPT
MUSIC: The sounds of sultry jazz.
GLORIA (NARRATOR) (hardboiled, a la Schnazzy Splenda)
This city never sleeps. And when it’s not sleeping, it’s stirring up trouble. And when it finally passes out from exhaustion, it dreams about stirring up more trouble. My name’s Kovak. I worked for the government until we had a rough breakup. Now I’m a private eye. So if you’re out in my city making trouble, I’m the one who’s gonna -
BOWDEN
Gloria? Are you coming?
SFX: Record scratch.
INT. KOVAK DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT
GLORIA
Oh! Sorry Bo! I was just practicing my undercover voice.
BOWDEN
Your first client is on the phone.
GLORIA
I got it!
BOWDEN
And maybe you should be...a little less hard-boiled.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
That’s my beau. His name’s Bo. A straight shooter with legs that just won’t quit, especially when you’re sprinting away from a jilted husband.
SFX: She picks up the phone and clears her throat, all business.
GLORIA
Kovak Detective Agency!
WARBURTON
Yes, Ms. Kovak, my name is Franklin Warburton. I spoke to your secretary on the phone yesterday.
GLORIA
Bowden copied down everything you said, Mister Warburton. Bowden’s the fastest number two on the East side.
WARBURTON
I see.
GLORIA
I understand you’re a restaurateur.
WARBURTON
Oh, nothing so lofty, to be sure. I’m merely a philanthropist and an angel investor.
GLORIA
Interesting. My Google search couldn’t turn up anything you’ve philanthropized.
WARBURTON
I don’t like to take credit, Ms. Kovak; the joy is in the act of support. But I’m afraid my latest investment -
GLORIA
This would be Antoine Boucher, the French patisserie chef?
WARBURTON
Yes, I loved him in his stint on the Great French Bake-Off. But after the show, he had great difficulty launching a professional career.
GLORIA
Always a sous, never a chef, you mean.
WARBURTON
Well he came to me with a rather unique pitch for a restaurant - the Long Pancake.
GLORIA
The Long Pancake? Isn’t that joint supposed to open up next week downtown?
"WARBURTON
It is, god willing. You see, Antoine developed a self-flipping griddle that runs the entire length of the restaurant. Antoine cooks a three-hundred foot pancake in front of the customers, and they choose a section and sprinkle their favorite toppings - rather ingenious!
GLORIA
Well it’s something.
WARBURTON
But the critics attended last night and gave us a sneak peek at the reviews. Let’s just say...
GLORIA
They didn’t flip their flapjacks over the long pancake, huh?
WARBURTON
Antoine is so distraught - I fear he’s liable to do something drastic before we open tomorrow morning?
GLORIA
How drastic?
WARBURTON
Well, we jointly own the business, so he owns half of the building -
GLORIA
And half of the fire insurance, is that what you’re getting at?
WARBURTON
I can’t approach the police without evidence. Can you help me, Ms. Kovak?
GLORIA
Chin up, Mister Warburton, I’ll stake out your establishment all night. If Antoine Boucher tries to put the flambee on the Long Pancake, he’ll be toast.
WARBURTON
Bless you, Ms. Kovak!
GLORIA
Gesundheit, Mister Warburton. I’ll be in touch. (hangs up) Bo?
BOWDEN
Yes, boss?
GLORIA
Let’s take a short drive to a long pancake.
SFX: THE CAR DRIVES ACROSS TOWN
GLORIA (NARRATOR) (CONT'D)
We jumped in my sunflower yellow sedan, a little number I call Daisy. Daisy got us to the Long Pancake in twenty minutes, and I didn’t even floor it through any yellow lights.
EXT. THE LONG PANCAKE - NIGHT
SFX: Gloria and Bowden step quietly along the pavement.
GLORIA
There’s the Pancake. No lights on. Doesn’t look like Boucher is here yet. Are you wired up?
BOWDEN
Like a Christmas tree. Just get that chef to spill his cookies, and this case is closed.
GLORIA
Sh! What was that?
BOWDEN
I didn’t hear anything.
GLORIA
I hear someone in the alley. Hold tight.
BOWDEN
Be careful.
SFX: Gloria cocks her pistol.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
I cocked the trigger on my trusty old .22, and slipped into the dark alley. I knew one wrong step could spell the end of my dance lessons.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Who’s there?
CHET
Trouble. The good kind.
GLORIA (NARRATOR)
Chet Phillips. We used to work together, back when we lived off of Uncle Sam’s dime.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Chet! What are you doing here?
CHET
I’m everywhere, Kovak. Especially when you need help.
GLORIA
I thought you were doing dirty work for Terry Millionaire, philanthropist billionaire.
CHET
You shouldn’t believe everything you read in the papers.
GLORIA
The day I read about you in the papers, Phillips, you’ll probably be in the obituaries.
CHET
It’ll be long and interesting. Just like me.
GLORIA
Okay, knock it off, Phillips! What’s Terry Millionaire got to do with this? Is Warburton one of his buddies?\
CHET
Who’s Warburton? I’m here looking for drugs.
GLORIA
Try Walgreens.
CHET
I’ve scoped out this Long Pancake, and lookie here! (pulls out a plastic bag) Five pounds of fentanyl! He’s importing it from Guatemala!
GLORIA
Oh, gimme that bag.
CHET
Don’t taste it, are you crazy?
GLORIA
That isn’t fentanyl, Chet. It’s pancake flour.
CHET
It can’t be! Three police officers passed out just looking at this bag!
GLORIA
Will you get out of here before -
BOWDEN (OFF)
Hey boss! The chef has entered the kitchen!
GLORIA
Dammit, Chet! You made me miss my mark!
CHET
I’m coming with you.
GLORIA
Not a chance. You just tell me one thing - who tipped you off about this fake fentanyl?
CHET
A guy named Lester Macaron. Said he was one of Boucher’s investors.
BOWDEN (OFF)
Gloria!
GLORIA
Phillips, I could kiss you if I wouldn’t throw up immediately afterwards.
CHET
Please don’t.
GLORIA
Let’s go, Bo!
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS! THEY BREAK INTO THE RESTAURANT!
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Freeze, Antoine! And I don’t mean your gelato!
ANTOINE
Mon Dieu! Gloria Kovak! Your reputation as a private investigator proceeds you!
BOWDEN
Wow, and this is only our first case!
GLORIA
What are you doing with that gas canister, Antoine?
ANTOINE
You have caught me, non? I will set fire to this long griddle, my greatest failure! And I will burn with it, as so burns my great shame!
BOWDEN
He’s gone full Ralph Fiennes! Spoilers!
ANTOINE
Flee now, lest you witness my immolation and self-basting!
GLORIA
But isn’t that what you want? Witnesses?
ANTOINE
Quoi?
SFX: GUN CLICK
GLORIA
That’s why you hired us, Antoine Boucher, a.k.a Lester Macaron, a.k.a. Franklin Warburton?
BOWDEN
What?!? He hired us to investigate...himself?
ANTOINE
Tres bien, Ms. Kovak! Drop your revolver.
GLORIA
Ah, jeez. Slow on the draw.
ANTOINE
I suppose it was my - (doing the Warburton voice) - ridiculous American accent - (back to French) - that gave it away?
GLORIA
No, it was you and your two partners who each owned half your business. Partners for whom who Google turns up no backgrounds whatsoever.
BOWDEN
You’re saying he invented his backers?
GLORIA
Probably to bilk the bank out of a loan, before lighting this place on fire and faking his own death, so he can make his real money illegally farming wheat in deforested Guatemalan Amazon land for pennies on the dollar!
BOWDEN
There’s blood on those pancakes, Boucher!
GLORIA
There’s at least sap on those pancakes!
ANTOINE
I’ll turn that sap to syrup once I’ve re-established a new identity as a South American businessman! Antoine Boucher dies tonight...along with you! HA!
SFX: A distant BANG! Flames shoot up from across the restaurant!
BOWDEN
Gloria! He’s lit the long griddle!
ANTOINE
Starting at the far end of the restaurant, each little pilot light will light the next one. And once the fire crosses the griddle and reaches the boiler’s pilot light here...BOOM!
SFX: Over their dialogue, the sounds of the pilot lights FOOMPH to life...getting closer...and closer!
BOWDEN
It’ll take you with it, too!
ANTOINE
I’ll be long gone. Here! Take this kitchen twine! Tie up yourself and the girl!
BOWDEN
Never!
ANTOINE
I could shoot you both!
GLORIA
Then they’ll find our bodies with the bullets baked right into them.
ANTOINE
Your...cooking analogies are going quite astray. Now tie her up!
GLORIA
Lemme do it, Bo.
BOWDEN
This is not how I wanted to go out...hog-tied to a woman while lit on fire in a pancake house...actually now that I think about it -
ANTOINE
Hurry up!
GLORIA
Cool your cream puffs, Antoine, I’m just remembering my knots!
ANTOINE
You’re not tying his legs, what are you tying that to?
GLORIA
Oh, just this TEN POUND BAG OF PANCAKE FLOUR
SFX: She WHIPS the bag at him! WHAP! POOF!
ANTOINE
AAAA la farine a crepes!
SFX: She hits him again! He goes down, UNCONSCIOUS!
GLORIA
Roll this one in sugar and call him French toast, Bo!
BOWDEN
Gloria, the pilot lights!
GLORIA
Holy crepe!
BOWDEN
Get down!
SFX; The pilot lights FOOMP nearby! And then...! CLICK. The pilot lights die.
CHET
You two are lucky I found the gas line.
BOWDEN
Phillips!
GLORIA
Always showing up at the last minute to take the collar.
CHET
Oh, you take this one, Kovak. You did the legwork. You’re one sharp cookie, you know that?
GLORIA
What kinda cookies do you eat, that they’re sharp?
CHET
You’re a tough nut to crack, too. Good working with you.
GLORIA
We’re not working together, Chet -
CHET
Bye partner!
BOWDEN
C’mon, Gloria. Let’s take this flour smuggler to the police, and then I’ll take you to IHOP.
GLORIA
Make it waffles instead, and you got yourself a deal, good lookin’.
SIRENS over the cityscape.
GLORIA (NARRATOR) (CONT'D)
Well, that’s the way the eggs break in this frying pan we call the big city. Sometimes all you can do is mix in some peppers and onions and make a western omelette. But things hashed out this time, and that’s no small potatoes. My name is Gloria Kovak and I’m a private eye."
MUSIC: Credits Jazz
COOL CREDITS GUY
You’ve been listening to “Gloria Kovak, PI: The Long Pancake.” Starring Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Kirk White as Chet Phillips, and Bob Killion as Antoine Boucher. Written and edited by Pete Barry. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited.