Live Show: “From Prussia, Wit Wiz”
Transcript

INT. PHILAMOCA - EVENING

Enter THE ADMIRAL. He takes center stage and addresses the audience.

ADMIRAL
Greetings, Philadelphia. I am Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher, Lord High Poohbah of Oceanology and all things aquatic! Now, I can already hear you asking: “Admiral, why would you come to a city? Shouldn’t you be ON THE OCEAN?” To which I say...poppycock! Philadelphia is alive with water! Sure, it’s not on the coast, but to deny the power of the mighty rivers and creeks that flow through it is to defy Zeerox himself. The dramatic Delaware! The seductive Schuylkill! The wild Wissahickon! The crisply curvy Cobbs Creek! The wacky Wingohocking! Billy Penn, you sure knew what you were doing.

Oh, and how could I forget? This city is home to the greatest neighborhood of all time...FISHTOWN! Oh, what mighty denizens must live there. Mikey the Maceral. Ike the Pike. Harper the Carp. Sid the SEPTA Subway Sardine. What jolly fellows they must be.

Tonight, you are among a privileged few to hear a hitherto untold tale of my adventures. Classified at the highest levels of Oceanology for fear it could melt the very fabric of reality. But if you’re all very good and promise not to tell, all can now be revealed. Do you promise?

AUDIENCE
Yes.

ADMIRAL
Everyone?

AUDIENCE
Yes.

ADMIRAL
Even you in the front row? You look a little fishy. I like that. Very well. This sit back, relax...and BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN!!!

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY

MUSIC: HAIL TO THE CHIEF

NSA ADVISOR
Welcome back to the Oval Office, President Phillips. I’m here for your NSA briefing.

CHET
You know, that “Hail to the Chief”’s a great walk up tune, but do you think we could jazz it up? Get The Boss to cover it?

NSA ADVISOR
President Phillips, you are the boss.

CHET
What? No. I mean, yes, but I mean THE BOSS. Bruce.

NSA ADVISOR
Bruce from Veterans Affairs?

CHET
Bruce Springsteen!! You’re not from Jersey are you?

NSA ADVISOR
No, sir. I was born in Duluth. It was actually illegal to play rock and roll there until a group of shaggy haired boys with a dream brought this nation together.

CHET
The Beatles?

NSA ADVISOR
New Kids on the Block. I’m not ashamed to say that Hangin’ Tough still brings a tear to my eye.

CHET
And they say the NSA has no heart. And I’m about to get a full belly at the Philly Cheesesteak contest I’m judging. Finally, this job has some perks!

NSA ADVISOR
Sir, I don’t like when you do these public events. Let’s not forget the attack on you when you were Secretary of Defense, the attack by the former Vice President, or the attack on Air Force One.

CHET
All of which I stopped single handedly. Chillax, buddy.

NSA ADVISOR
...I’ll take you to Area 51.

CHET
What’s REALLY at Area 51?

NSA ADVISOR
Warehouse after warehouse of downed weather balloons.

CHET
So, you want me to give up a day of eating delicious, greasy, ALL AMERICAN food in our nation’s birthplace...or spend the day in a New Mexico warehouse looking at broken weather balloons.

NSA ADVISOR
It would...make my day.

CHET
Rejected.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC!

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: “From Prussia Wit Wiz”...LIVE!

INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM

SFX: Glorious beeps and boops echo throughout PhilaMOCA.

SKIP
Okay, Skip. You can do this. Just another day in the Extraordinary Missions Force conference room. You’re just...delivering information. No need to assign any emotional value to this. Just...be cool. Yeah. That’s it. Cool.

SFX: The door opens. It’s Bowden and Gloria.

GLORIA
Gloria Kovak and Bowden Montcrief reporting for duty! We got your message, Skip. New mission?

BOWDEN
Please tell me it’s one that requires my skills as a master actor and impersonator. Maybe something I could put on my resume...

SKIP
Bowden, I thought you were supposed to be doing a month long stint on Celebrity Bowling.

GLORIA
He was partnered with Paul Rudd!

BOWDEN
We got eliminated after one match! Who knew June Squibb and Carol Burnett would be power strokers?!

SKIP
Uhhh...

GLORIA
It’s a bowling stance.

SKIP
Thank God.

BOWDEN
Anyway, I’ll be grateful if Paul Rudd even says hello to me at Starbucks now, let alone invites me to join The Avengers.

SKIP
Well, you’re in luck. This next mission hinges on your ability to totally disappear into a character.

BOWDEN
Skip, when it comes to my ego, you are the true power stroker.

SKIP
Please stop saying that.

GLORIA
What’s the mission, Agent Granger?

SKIP
Well, uh, let’s wait for McGrath.

BOWDEN
What’s wrong? Your voice just went up half a tone. A classic sign of distress.

SKIP
Nothing. Really, nothing. Just...be ready to back me up. McGrath’s not going to love this.

SFX: The door opens. It’s McGrath.

MCGRATH
What’s up, gang? Gloria, looking good, as always.

GLORIA
Oh! Thanks, Miss McGrath!

MCGRATH
Skipper, love the color coordination between your outfit and your file folders.

SKIP
Oh! I didn’t think anyone would notice. I had to special order the puce folders.

BOWDEN
You’re in a jolly mood today, McGrath.

MCGRATH
Well, it’s not every day I get to see you get TOTALLY SPANKED by a pair of ninety-year olds.

BOWDEN
We only recorded that last night! It won’t air for weeks! HOW DO YOU KNOW?

MCGRATH
Sorry, dude, it’s all over TikTok!

SFX: Phone Beep.

BOWDEN
Oh for the love of...

CHIP (ON PHONE)
Welcome back to Celebrity Bowling. On deck is TV’s Bowden Montcrief, best known as the nameless boyfriend on “Acquaintances”. He steps up, ooh, that’s a wide swing he’s got...

COREY (ON PHONE)
I believe they call that the Spastic Swan, Chip.

SFX: Bowden looses control of the ball.

CHIP (ON PHONE)
My God, he’s lost control of the ball and it’s headed right for June Squibb!

COREY (ON PHONE)
A collective sigh of relief from the crowd as that ball NARROWLY misses the Oscar nominee’s face.

JUNE SQUIBB (ON PHONE)
That’s as close as you’ll ever get to an Oscar, Montcrief! Step aside!

SFX: Panicked noises from Bowden and then a strike!

CHIP (ON PHONE)
And a beautiful strike there from nonagenarian June Squibb. Though, I don’t know what the rules are regarding using you opponent’s body as the ball. Oh. He’s not getting up.

SFX: Phone off.

BOWDEN
Squibb’s people leaked that, I just know it! She’s never forgiven me for not casting her in my production of Throw Mama From The Train: The Musical.

MCGRATH
I have literally never been in such a good mood. Skip, whatever awful mission you’re about to lay on me - I won’t even bat an eye. It’s too good a day. Where are we headed? A trash dump in Newark? A sewage treatment plant in Gary, Indiana? The Republican National Convention?

SKIP
We’re going to a cheesesteak contest in Philadelphia.

MCGRATH
Oh. My. God. Skip...are you serious?

SKIP
Yes, but...

MCGRATH
THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I was born for this! Skip, if it wouldn’t be so very very wrong, I could kiss you full on the lips.

SKIP
Oh my.

MCGRATH
Gloria, come here, I feel like smooching someone!

GLORIA
OH MY!

SKIP
But you can’t eat anything!

MCGRATH
What?

SKIP
You can’t actually go to the contest, I need you running the tech.

MCGRATH(After a long pause)
You. Monster.

SKIP
McGrath, I’m truly sorry. Obviously, if there’s time after we can...

MCGRATH
You are taking me to the gates my literal NIRVANA and denying me entry?

SKIP
That’s a bit extreme, but...yes?

MCGRATH
How would you like it if I went to a file folder convention and made you stay outside!!?!?

SKIP
YOU GOT TICKETS TO FOLDERCON? HOW?

MCGRATH
I rest my case. It’s fine. Whatever. My life is ruined.

GLORIA
I’m so sorry, Miss McGrath. Do you want to see June Squibb beat up Bowden again?

BOWDEN
Gloria!

MCGRATH
No. Nothing will ever make me happy again. SKIP GRANGER HAS RUINED MY LIFE.

SFX: Door opens. It’s Zelda.

ZELDA
I see you’ve given McGrath the bad news.

SKIP
Section Chief!

MCGRATH
You. You’re behind this, aren’t you?

ZELDA
Oh no. Agent Granger found and planned this mission himself.

MCGRATH
Skip, what did I do to you? Did I not load the dishwasher properly at home?

SKIP
You did not. You never do. And I’ve drawn you a literal chart! But that has nothing to do with this. I promise, if this mission goes well, I will treat us all to as many cheesesteaks as we can eat.

MCGRATH
From where? Geno’s? Steve’s Prince of Steaks? Pat’s KING of Steaks?

BOWDEN
Jim’s.

GLORIA
Angelo’s!

ZELDA
Dellasandro’s.

BOWDEN
Del Rossi’s.

MCGRATH
Ishkabibbles.

GLORIA
Ishkabibbles One or Ishkabibbles Two?

MCGRATH
One, obviously, I’m not an amateur!

SKIP
Wherever you want. But we have to do the actual mission first. Okay?

MCGRATH
You’re on thin ice, bub.

SKIP
Understood. Gloria, the slide projector.

GLORIA
Roger that!

SFX: Projector on.

SKIP
Behold the Kingdom of Prussia, a German state that existed from 1701 to 1918. The kindgom’s motto: Suum cuique; “To each his own.”

MCGRATH
Oh for the love of Pete, get to the cheesesteaks.

SKIP
Patience, please.

SFX: Slide change.

SKIP
The Prussian kingdom disbanded due to a combination of internal and external factors, eventually becoming the Free State of Prussia in 1918, and then dissolved entirely in 1947.

BOWDEN
Ooof. Not good years.

ZELDA
Few are.

SKIP
The Prussians, of course, were our allies during the Revolutionary War, to the point that the good people of Philadelphia named an inn after their king...

SFX: Slide change.

SKIP
The King of Prussia!

MCGRATH
Did he invent the cheesesteak?

SKIP
Not to my knowledge.

MCGRATH
Then keep this train moving!

SFX: Slide change.

SKIP
Over time, The King of Prussia Inn became such a landmark that the entire area became known simply as King of Prussia. Today, it’s known as home to the nation’s fourth largest shopping mall...

GLORIA
Fun!

SFX: Slide change

SKIP
The seat of the American Baptist Churches USA...

BOWDEN
Redundant.

SFX: Slide change

SKIP
And the site of a still active nuclear weapons manufacturing plant!

MCGRATH
When do we get to the weapons of mass digestion?

ZELDA
Agent McGrath, can you keep your stomach in check for even a minute?

MCGRATH
You know I cannot.

GLORIA
This is all very interesting, Agent Granger, but what’s the mission here?

SKIP
Thank you for asking, Gloria. We have recently received intelligence that a group that traces their ancestry back to the Prussians who fought in the Revolutionary War are trying to lay claim to the city of King of Prussia as their ancestral home.

BOWDEN
Well, sorry, fellas, it’s already taken.

SKIP
Actually...that’s in question.

SFX: Slide change

SKIP
King of Prussia is an unincorporated municipality, managed by the neighboring Upper Marion Township.

SFX: Slide change

SKIP
In addition, there exists The Diary of Johann Conrad Döhla, a German solider fighting for the British in 1778. Upon seeing the Inn, he wrote “I must also comment that the King of Prussia has a house in Philadelphia and therefore is a citizen and enjoys the rights of citizenship.”

BOWDEN
So...he was an idiot.

SKIP
Regardless of his educational status, the Pseudo Prussians are using it as part of their claim to the area.

MCGRATH
Question.

SKIP
Yes, Agent McGrath?

MCGRATH
What does ANY of this have to do with cheesesteaks?

SKIP
I’m getting there!

SFX: Slide change.

SKIP
Tomorrow is the 19th annual Philly Cheesesteak Pro-Am. Each contestant is a previous cheesesteak champion, and will be paired with an amateur in a battle royal for cheesesteak domination.

BOWDEN
Oh no. It’s Celebrity Bowling all over again.

SKIP
While the contest may seem like a harmless bit of local color, the Prussians are planning to use an obscure section of the Philadelphia city charter to bend victory to their evil ends. Bowden, a dramatic reading if you would?

SFX: Slide change.

BOWDEN (Reading slide text)
“Whereupon any man who has thrice claimed victory in glorious battle using frizzled beef, browned onions of the field, and curd of the dairy cow shall be granted one parcel of unincorporated land.” THIS IS INSANE.

MCGRATH
You mean ahead of its time!

GLORIA
The City of Philadelphia can’t be expected to honor an outdated clause like that.

ZELDA
Do YOU want to argue with a Philadelphian about what they can and cannot do?

MCGRATH
If the city charter really says that - who are we to disagree? Isn’t your whole thing basically following the rules, Skip?

SKIP
Yes. Wholeheartedly. But rules need context and rules without morals are meaningless. This is more than just shenanigans, McGrath.

ZELDA
Do you remember going up against Logan Sharpe?

GLORIA
The sovereign nation guy who tried to claim the four corners landmark as his own country?

ZELDA
Exactly. Now imagine a whole legion of him trying to claim a major portion of Pennsylvania that’s home to a military grade weapons plant.

BOWDEN
Man, that mall has everything.

SKIP
If they are successful in their claims, these new Prussians could disrupt the economy, interfere with supply chains, even form alliances with enemies foreign and domestic.

ZELDA
Enemies they could sell their weapons to, becoming an economic and military super power.

MCGRATH
Alright, so if these Prussians are entering the contest, we just what...take them out?

SKIP
Not exactly. Truth is, we’re not even sure who they are. Everything we’ve got is based off of internet chatter. We know they’re planning to be there, but we don’t know which of the contestants are the villains.

ZELDA
We’re certain, however, that it’s one of the professional entrants. So we’ve made arrangements for all of the amateurs to be EMF replacements.

SKIP
Gloria, that’s us.

GLORIA
I don’t have to do a Philly accent do I? Because after we watched “Mare of Easttown,” Bowden wanted me to do some Kate Winslet role play and I could just not bring myself to say wooder.

SKIP
You’re good!

GLORIA
Thank God.

SFX: Slide change.

ZELDA
Bowden, we’re sending you in as an Instagram food influencer who goes by the handle RawDogger93. You’ll have full access to get up and personal with the contestants, the judges, the staff - everyone and anyone associated with the contest.

BOWDEN
Perfect. I’ve been raw dogging it for weeks.

GLORIA
BOWDEN!

MCGRATH
Skip, get the lye! I need to wash my ears out. Permanently.

BOWDEN
What? I just mean I don’t travel home from work with anything. No briefcase. No backpack. No headphones. Just me and my thoughts from here to Casa Montcrief. What do YOU think it means?

ZELDA
MOVING ON.

SKIP
McGrath, we’ll have you stationed in a nearby surveillance van. Bowden will be live streaming the entire time - we’ll need you to run face recognition software, see if ANYBODY pops in our system.

MCGRATH (Sighs)
Cheesesteaks cheesesteaks everywhere and not a one to eat.

GLORIA
Hold on. Aren’t there THREE professional teams in the contest? Who’s our third amateur? You, chief?

ZELDA
No. We’ve got a trusted expert with experience in the field.

MCGRATH
Oh yeah? Why do they get to miss the briefing? Where are they?

JAMBO
They’re already here.

SFX: Slide change as Jambo steps out

ALL
Ahhhh!!!

GLORIA
Colonel Jambo! Where did you come from?

JAMBO
I used my chameleon like powers to blend into the projector screen. Isn’t that right, Emile?

SFX: Emile chirps in the affirmative.

MCGRATH
How long were you standing there?

JAMBO
Two days.

BOWDEN
Jambo, I know you’ve helped us out in the past, and no offense, but there is NO WAY you’re a cheesesteak expert.

JAMBO
You got me there, little buddy. But I know Philadelphia. I know it like the back of my hand. It’s battlefields. It’s war zones. When I close my eyes, I’m right back there - in the thick of it. The sweat dripping off my brow, my survival instincts clawing to stay alive...

MCGRATH
What the hell, man? Were you in the Revolutionary War?

JAMBO
Worse. I wore a Dallas Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game at the Vet.

ALL
OOOOOOOH.

MCGRATH
Skip, this guy thinks his pet lizard can talk to him. You’re going to let HIM work undercover at a cheesesteak contest and not me?

SFX: Emile chirps angrily.

JAMBO
Emile says he likes his wiz wit.

GLORIA
Whatever you want, Emile!

MCGRATH
Alright. Once I’ve worked my magic and identified our target, what’s the plan? You’re going to have to ensure the Prussian cheesesteak isn’t the winner.

SKIP
We’ve got that covered.

SFX: Intercom buzz.

SKIP
Dr. Studebaker, you can come in now.

SFX: Door opens, enter Studebaker.

STUDEBAKER
Hey there, hi there, ho there, Mouseketeers. Dr. Biff Stuebaker, Scientific Services. Or at least that’s what my underwear says.

SKIP
Dr. Studebaker has been hard at work developing a special new kind of Cheese Wiz that is sure to make the tide turn our way.

STUDEBAKER
You can say that again, Soupy Sales. Introducing Dr. Biff’s special sauce. Who wants to give it a try?

GLORIA
Uhhh...I’d like to not mutate today. Thanks.

BOWDEN
Sorry, I’m on Gwyneth Paltrow’s new GOOP diet. It’s strictly no goop.

MCGRATH
What the hell, I’ll try it. Since I’m not getting the real stuff in the field. You got a spoon?

STUDEBAKER
Nah, just get your finger in there, Ethel Merman.

SFX: SQUISH as McGrath dips her finger in the wiz.

MCGRATH
This isn’t going to harm me...right?

STUDEBAKER
Definitely almost probably not.

McGrath licks the cheese off her finger.

MCGRATH
Hey. That’s pretty good wiz! Gimme another dip.

GLORIA
Really? Let me try.

BOWDEN
Well, I won’t tell Gwyneth if you won’t.

SFX: SQUISH after squish as everybody fingers the cheese. Lots of “Mmmms” and “Pretty good” from the trio.

STUDEBAKER
Yup, it’s all delicious cheese curd suspended in sunflower seed oil and binding agents...until I hit this button.

SFX: A click and INSTANTLY McGrath, Gloria, and Bowden start gagging.

MCGRATH
Oh my God, it burns!

GLORIA
It’s like someone washed my mouth out with raw sewage!

BOWDEN
I haven’t tasted anything this bad since I tried the salmon omelets from Cooking with Coolio.

MCGRATH
Studebaker, what the hell did you do?

STUDEBAKER
Science! I think. The chemicals in the binding agent are sensitive to ultra high frequencies. So, when I hit this button -

SFX: Click! And everyone gags.

STUDEBAKER
They agitate worse than Lucille Ball in a non-smoking hotel room. Leaves your tongue feeling like it licked Frank Sinatra’s ashtray clean.

SKIP
Once we’ve identified our target, it will be up to me, Gloria or Jambo to switch out their cheese for Studebaker’s special sauce. McGrath, you’ll be able to activate the ultra high frequency from the van.

ZELDA
The cheese turns sour, the Prussians lose the contest, and the world is safe for one more day.

MCGRATH
Why do I have to activate the stupid cheese? Can’t Studebaker do it?

STUDEBAKER
Sorry, Florence Henderson, but I got a lifetime ban from Philly after a particularly violent Flyers game back in ‘90.

JAMBO
You’ve been through it to! I can see it your eyes.

STUDEBAKER
I was there they day they fired Bobby Clarke.

JAMBO
Emile, we’ve found another brother!

SFX: Emile coos.

STUDEBAKER
Thing is, I only had enough time to cook up one batch of this stuff. Alright - two, but I ate the other one. So be sure you get it on the right sandwich, or your whole mission goes further south than Lenny Dykstra’s career.

SKIP
As always, team, I believe in you. Pack your things - we depart in two hours for Operation: Philly Special.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. CHEESESTEAK CONTEST

SFX: Crowd noises.

MUSIC: NEWS THEME

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
Hello and welcome to the 2025 Philly Cheesesteak Pro-Am. I’m legendary anchorwoman Connie St. Stevens and, with me as always is my co-host Steve Connors. Steve?

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Thanks, Connie, great to be here on this fine Philadelphia morning. Today, the best cheesesteak chefs in the city will be paired with talented amateurs as they vie for the title of Philly’s finest. That’s finest with a “ph”, by the way.

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
How charming.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Philly, we love you. Alright, Connie, why don’t we meet our guest judges for today?

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
Great idea, Steve. First up is tech billionaire and fashion icon, Athena O’Brien!

ATHENA
Thank you, Connie, a pleasure as always. And yes, I DO look fabulous.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Tell us, Ms. O’Brien, what’s a high profile tech empress like yourself doing at a cheesesteak contest?

ATHENA
I consider myself a woman of the people, Steve! I’m not one of those oligarchs locked away in their penthouse, I’m down among the people who my companies serve. That, and the winner of this contest has a good chance of rewriting the power structure of the country and I need to be a part of that.

A beat. Then everyone laughs. Forced.

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
Well, joining you on the judging panel today is one of Philadelphia’s most famous sons. Academy Award winning actor, director, and no stranger to the cheesesteak business...it’s Bradley Cooper!

SFX: Wild applause.

LARRY
Uh....hello.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Who are you?

LARRY
Hiiii. Larry Hastings, Bass-Baritone. Mr. Cooper booked a Japanese whiskey commercial. I’m his understudy.

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
You’re Bradley Cooper’s understudy?

LARRY
Yes.

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
To judge a cheesesteak contest?

LARRY
Oh yes. I’m quite versatile. Little known fact: I dubbed Lady Gaga in “A Star is Born.”

ATHENA
You did NOT.

LARRY
Oh but I did. But, uh, just her chewing sounds. Miss Ga-Ga is very sensitive about eating on camera, so...enter Larry.

SFX: Larry makes chewing noises into the microphone.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Well, two amazing super stars here to judge today’s battle of the steaks.

CHET
And President makes three!

NEWSCASTER CONNIE
President Phillips! Are you actually going to help judge this contest?

CHET
I’m a man of the people! I’m not one of those oligarchs locked in their penthouse...

ATHENA(Coughing)
Loser.

LARRY
Say, that was quite good. I bet I could get you in as Julia Roberts’ cough double.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Well, it’s going to be a tremendous day here in Philly. Stick right here for all the excitement.

MUSIC: NEWS THEME

ATHENA
Well, well, well, Chetty. Never would have guessed you’d make President.

CHET
Regret calling off our wedding?

ATHENA
Not even a little. First Lady really isn’t my style.

CHET
And neither is judging a cheesesteak contest. What are you really doing here?

ATHENA
A lady has to have her secrets. Enjoy the contest, Mr. President.

Athena and Chet go off. Skip, Gloria, Bowden, Zelda, Jambo enter.

SKIP
Oh cheese and crackers! This is an unexpected bump in the road.

BOWDEN
No kidding! How did that hack Larry Hastings get a gig like this!?

GLORIA
Bowden, focus. He means Athena being here.

SKIP
And President Phillips. You know the minute he sees us he’ll try and get involved in the mission. Once an EMF agent, always and EMF agent.

JAMBO
You want me to take care of him? Emile and I know 50 ways to put a man to sleep using just a piece of string and a stick of Juicy Fruit.

ZELDA
Just leave Mr. President to me. You can bet Athena’s presence here means she knows about the Prussian scheme - you may even be able to use her to your advantage. Just focus on the mission. Is everything in place?

SKIP
We’re just waiting on McGrath.

SFX: McGrath enters with a bag full of food.

MCGRATH
Sorry, not sorry. If I’m not getting to eat these steaks, I’m going to eat EVERYTHING else. My God, I love this city! I’ve got butterscotch krimpets, jelly krimpets, soft pretzels, Herr’s chips, Utz chips, Peanut Chews, Pop’s water ice, cannoli from Termini Brothers, about a dozen cheeses from DiBruno’s, a John’s Roast Pork sandwich -

ZELDA
How did you get all that? We’ve been here five minutes!

MCGRATH
God bless Door Dash.

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, why wouldn’t you just order a cheesesteak if you want one so badly?

MCGRATH
Spite. Also, they don’t travel well. I want one hot off the grill! But mostly spite.

SKIP
Into the surveillance van, please, McGrath. We need that face recognition software running ASAP.

MCGRATH (Her mouth full of Krimpet)
Roger dodger, Skipper. Come on, Z.

ZELDA (Sighs)
Gimme a Peanut Chew.

McGrath and Zelda go off.

SKIP
Bowden, are you ready to become RawDogger93?

BOWDEN
I just need a moment. I’m having some unexpected emotions being back in Philadelphia.

GLORIA
I didn’t know you spent time here, Bo.

BOWDEN
It was a long time ago, my love. I was just a kid, touring the family entertainment circuit as “Broadway Baby Bowden”. Mall openings, VFW halls, that sort of thing. I’d tell some jokes, do a little dance, sing a couple songs. Anyway...a tv director caught me at the opening of an Orange Julius at the Granite Run Mall and booked me on a local talent show called Al Alberts Showcase.

GLORIA
Awww. I would have loved to have seen tiny you hoofing it on local tv.

BOWDEN
I was spectacular. There isn’t a seven-year-old then or now who could sing “Soliloquy” from Carousel like I could. I had all of Philadelphia in my thrall. First place was in my grasp and the path to stardom laid before me...but then...

GLORIA
Then?

BOWDEN
Jacob Walsh. The darling of Delco. He’d already made a name for himself doing local commercials. “One take Jake” they called him. He does a couple of bars of “One Night in Bangkok” and next thing you know Al Alberts is calling him over to winner’s circle. The fix was in I tell you!

JAMBO
Philadelphia makes fools of us all. Come here, baby bear. Emile and I have you.

SFX: Emile coos as Jambo hugs Bowden.

BOWDEN
Thank you, Jambo. I needed that.

GLORIA
Well, it all worked out. You ended up on a cult classic sitcom, you’ve got a big tentpole movie coming out, and who the hell has heard of Jacob Walsh?

BOWDEN
Oh what I wouldn’t give to see him again. Maybe while I’m walking the red carpet at the opening of “Abbot & Costello: Vampire Hunters” or accepting my Oscar!

SKIP
Bowden, I support working through your childhood trauma, but we’re on a tight timeline here.

BOWDEN
Say no more, Skip. Goodbye Bowden Montcrief and hello, RawDogger93!

Bowden puts on a cheesesteak hat.

SFX: Fanfare

BOWDEN
Yo yo yo, Philly foodies, it’s your boy RawDooger93 here at the Philly Cheesesteak Pro-Am. Whaddya say we meet the teams. What’s your name, little lady?

DINUNZIO
Mrs. Adrian DiNunzio. I recently took over DiNunzio Steak Shop on Porter Street from my late husband, God rest his soul, but if you come into my shop sticking your camera all up in my face thinkin’ youse are gonna get a free steak because some 12 year olds follow you on TikTok, I’ll kick your ass all the way to Jersey.

BOWDEN
Charming. Let’s meet your amateur partner.

JAMBO
Lt. Colonel Ron Jambo. Special Forces. Serial number 1234567. That’s all you’ll get out of me.

SFX: Emile chirps.

JAMBO
Oh, and this is my life partner, Emile. He’s a skink.

DINUNZIO
Can he chop onions?

JAMBO
Emile is especially gifted with a blade.

DINUNZIO
Great. Let’s get to work.

BOWDEN
Widow DiNunzio, what’s the secret to your steaks?

DINUNZIO
Keep it simple. None of this fancy ass, seen it on Instagram B.S. with your garlic aiolis and your organic chili peppers and your soy based meat. We’re keeping it real: Seeded roll, fried onions, Cooper Sharp.

BOWDEN
Can’t wait to taste it. Okay, over here at table two, why don’t you introduce yourself.

GLORIA (Nervous)
Well, RawDogger, actually...

JAKE
Hey, how’s youse doin’, RawDogger?

BOWDEN
You know...jawnin’ my jawn.

JAKE
I hear that, brother.

BOWDEN
Who’s your lovely amateur assistant?

JAKE
This is my new best friend, Glory.

GLORIA
It’s Gloria, actually.

JAKE
SHE CRACKS ME UP.

BOWDEN
Alright, an easy laugh, good to know. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name, friend.

GLORIA
WHAT’S IN A NAME?

JAKE
Jake Walsh, good to know ya.

BOWDEN
GREAT SCOTT.

GLORIA
Oh no.

BOWDEN
You’re “One Take Jake”. You son of a...

GLORIA
Hey, RawDogger, don’t you want to hear about our winning steak recipe?

BOWDEN
Oh. Uh. Yeah, right, sure.

JAKE
We’re keeping it real simple. Seeded roll, fried onions, Cooper Sharp.

BOWDEN
Alright then. Finally, table three. What’s your name, bud?

SKIP
Oh, hello people of the internet. My name is Skip and I am honored to be the am part of this cheesesteak Pro-Am.

BOWDEN
And who’s our pro?

COOPER
Cooper Sharpe.

BOWDEN
No, I asked your name, not what kind of cheese you’re using.

COOPER
That is my name. Cooper Sharpe. S-h-a-r-p-e.

BOWDEN
Clearly, a man who was born to cheesesteak!

SKIP
Uh, you wouldn’t be related to Logan Sharpe, the alt-right podcaster and sovereign nation advocate?

COOPER
The LATE alt-right podcaster. My idiot brother thought he could pull his sovereign nation nonsense at the North Pole and he ended up freezing to death.

SKIP
Oh, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

COOPER
Well, he lived life on his terms. What else can you say? Let’s just make some steaks.

BOWDEN
What a perfect way to honor his memory. Tell me, guys, how are you making your steaks?

COOPER
We’re keeping it simple: seeded roll, friend onions -

SKIP
- And I’ve brought my own, secret recipe Cheese Wiz.

COOPER
Uh, we are not using that. What is this, 1993? Wiz is for tourists and politicians. Hey, everybody, this guy thinks we should use Wiz.

DINUNZIO
WHAT A MAROON!

JAKE
What is this, 1997?

SKIP
Oh no.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. MCGRATH’S VAN

SFX: Computer sounds. McGrath eating chips.

ZELDA
Any hits yet?

MCGRATH (Mouth full)
These chips are a hit.

ZELDA
You know what I meant.

MCGRATH
There TONS of hits. Half the crowd here have criminal records - everything from parking tickets to grand theft auto. But no one with ties to Prussia or sovereign nation separatists. Except, you know, the kid Skip is partnered with, whose brother tried to claim the North Pole as his own. So...case closed? Steaks all around?

ZELDA
It’a a start, but Cooper Sharpe has no record, no ties to Prussia, and despite his brother’s schemes, he has no history of advocating for separatists. We’ll keep a close eye on him, but keep searching.

MCGRATH
Fine. But I’m having my soft pretzel...WITH mustard.

ZELDA
Your stomach is a horror of science.

MCGRATH (Mouth full)
Thanks.

SFX: Van door slides open. Chet enters.

CHET
HA! I’d recognize an unmarked EMF surveillance van anywhere!

ZELDA
Chet! Mr. President...what are you doing here?

CHET
Serving national interests! Athena O’Brien is on the judging panel, you've got the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight in the contest, and we’re running, what, face recognition software here? What’s going down?

ZELDA
With all due respect, Mr. President -

CHET
Zelda, it’s me. Call me Chet. Please. Look, I didn’t ask to be President. I don’t want to be President! It doesn’t suit me. I need action! Adventure!

ZELDA
Chet. We’ve got it under control. Go kiss some babies.

CHET
Say, didn’t you put in for a budget increase?

ZELDA
And now that you mention it, I have the perfect job for you on this mission! We could double our identification efforts with finger print analysis. Stick on one of McGrath’s palm scanners and start shaking hands, Mr. President.

CHET
Hail to the chief, baby.

SFX: Van door opens. Security Guy enters.

SECURITY GUY
There you are! President Phillips, you can NOT run off like this. Who are these people?

CHET
Relax. They’re on our side. Zelda, McGrath, meet my...secret service...security guy.

SECURITY GUY
I have a name you know.

MCGRATH (Mouth full)
Can you move it along? Some of us are trying to eat. I mean...work.

CHET
Let’s shake some hands and eat some steaks!

SFX: Van door closes as they go.

MCGRATH
Finally some peace and quiet. Come to mama, cannoli number seven!

SFX: Van door opens.

ATHENA
‘sup?

MCGRATH (Groans)
Athena!

ATHENA
Hey, hot stuff.

MCGRATH
Get in here, shut the door!

SFX: Van door shuts.

MCGRATH
What are you doing here?

ATHENA
I saw the idiot-in-chief getting in and out. Not that I couldn’t spot an unmarked EMF van from a million miles away.

MCGRATH
Man, we have got to get better vans. Or crappier ones.

ATHENA
So, trying to figure out who the Prussian national separatists are with your quaint SnapFace tech?

MCGRATH
QUAINT? My facial recognition software is the best. THE best - and you know it.

ATHENA
Then you do know who they are.

MCGRATH
No. Well, I’ve got a hunch. What about you?

ATHENA
Same. Just a hunch.

MCGRATH
Would you tell me if you did know?

ATHENA
Maybe. I suppose you plan on being Zelda Ander’s good little government drone and thwarting the plan to annex the suburbs?

MCGRATH
Well, when you say it like that, it makes it sound so square.

ATHENA
What happened to you, McGrath? You used to be an anarchist. If these Prussians pull off their scheme, I see that as clever and resourceful.

MCGRATH
And that you can sell them your tech at incredibly high profit margins, while buying weapons from them cheap?

ATHENA
Who says a girl can’t have everything? Besides, a bomb is safer in my hands than anyone else’s. Look - you help me, I help you.

MCGRATH
Oh man, you are so desperate to hook up with me again.

ATHENA
Alright. Suit yourself. Don’t say I didn’t try to play nice. You stay here in this stinky van. I’ve got a contest to judge.

SFX: Van door opening.

MCGRATH (Calling after her)
Bring me a steak!

MUSIC: TRANSITION

EXT. CHEESESTEAK CONTEST

SFX: Crowd sounds. Fanfare.

BOWDEN
Yo yo you Philly food fanatics! Your boy RawDogger93 is keeping it real. I’m here with one of the sponsors of the event, Kristatos O’Brien, the Greek Irish potato magnate, founder of Uncle Kris’s Krispy Potato Shacks and, of course, father of one of today’s judges, Athena O’Brien.

KRISTATOS
Hello, Mr. Raw Doggie.

BOWDEN
I suppose the potato has always been a good friend to the cheesesteak.

KRISTATOS
Oh yes. The potato and the cheesesteak are the Adonis and Aphrodite of the junk food world. French fries, potato chips, or even the tater tot all make excellent side dishes, and what could be better than serving your cheesesteak on one of my sweet and soft potato rolls?

BOWDEN
I can see you’re hear to champion the potato today, Uncle Kris.

KRISTATOS
Yes. That and the outcome of this contest could upset the global balance of power and my daughter and I must seize upon every opportunity to expand our power and influence.

A beat and then forced laughter from both. Kris goes off.

BOWDEN
Alright, let’s take a quick break from the stream. When I come back, we’ll go check on these contestants. RawDogger out.

SFX: Phone beeps off.

GLORIA
How’s your day going, RawDogger?

BOWDEN
You can drop it for a bit, I’m off the air. Where’s your partner?

GLORIA
Jake went to the bathroom. How are you holding up?

BOWDEN
I’m fine. Though, if I have to say “yo yo yo” one more time, my jaw might fall off. Tell me, what have you learned about my old pal Jake?

GLORIA
Not much. He’s been focused on prepping for the contest. He’s got me fine tuning the deli slicer.

BOWDEN
Oh, so he’s not dazzling you with his tales of child stardom, being the face of the Please Touch Museum, or singing you a few bars of “One Night in Bangkok”!?

GLORIA
He owns a cheesesteak shop! Whatever rivalry you think you had decades ago is over. Will you please concentrate on the mission? I’m sure he doesn’t even remember you, Bowden Montcrief!

JAKE
Bowden Montcrief! I knew youse looked familiar! It is you, isn’t it? I haven’t seen you since our kiddie show days.

BOWDEN
Well, yes, but, uh, I go by RawDogger93 now. I guess.

JAKE

Good for you. Letting go of the past isn’t easy, but it’s exactly what I did. You know, it’s sort of fate me running into you. I really gotta thank you.

BOWDEN
Thank me? Why?

JAKE
Well, I dunno if you remember when wees were on Al Alberts Showcase. Youse was so mad that I won. I mean, you could literally see your little heart break when Al picked me.

BOWDEN
I wouldn’t go that far...

JAKE
Oh no, trust me. My ma played that tape A LOT in our house. I probably seen it like 100 times. Anyway, seeing you that day made me realize I didn’t really want to be an actor. Not like you did.

BOWDEN
You didn’t care about winning?

JAKE
Oh no, I LOVED winning, but I would have rather been winning at somethin’ else. Plus, the truth is the the whole thing was fixed. My cousin Frankie was dating one of the producers.

BOWDEN
I knew it!

JAKE
Anyway, it took me a while, but I finally found my real passion.

GLORIA
Making cheesesteaks?

JAKE
My family. That’s who I’m wining this for today.

GLORIA
Awwww. That’s so sweet.

BOWDEN
So you just gave up acting all together?

JAKE
More or less. I do some historical reenactments. Revolutionary War battles.

GLORIA
Let me guess - Washington crossing the Delaware?

JAKE
Oh, man, no. Ain’t nobody allowed to play Washington except George Ketner. He’s the only one tall enough for the costume.

BOWDEN
Show business is a cruel business.

JAKE
Yeah, well, mostly I play one of the Prussian mercenaries. Turns out you can trace my family back to those guys. Guess we came over to fight and settled down.

BOWDEN
In...King of Prussia?

JAKE
Exactly! Anyways, great to see you Bowden, glad you’ve found your passion in being...an internet...food guy. Come on Glory, we got ribeye to slice!

GLORIA
Jake...my name is GLORIA.

JAKE
SHE CRACKS ME UP.

Jake and Gloria go off.

BOWDEN
He’s a Prussian! McGrath, did you get that?! Oh, damn it, I wasn’t broadcasting! I’ll get word to her when I go live again. Bowden, when will the world learn you a never wrong? Especially for a part.

SFX: Transition

SFX: Onions being sliced on a chopping board

COOPER
How are those onions coming along, bud?

SKIP (In tears)
Oh. Just fine. I’ve never had to dice HUNDREDS of onions before...but, they’ll be all the sweeter from my tears.

COOPER
We’ve got a lot of people to feed.

SKIP
I don’t want to be pushy, but can I ask you to reconsider using my homemade Cheese Wiz? I know you think it’s old fashioned -

COOPER
Look, I could care less about what people put on their steaks. You want Wiz? Great. You want Cooper Sharp? Great. You want Swiss with pickles and extra mayo? Weird...but I’ll do it. Because it’s your sandwich. There’s no right way or wrong way. It’s like my dad used to say: “To each their own.”

SKIP
A striking motto. So you’d be willing to use my wiz?

COOPER
Sorry, boss. Today isn’t about what I think. It’s about what the judges think. About what they expect - and they expect the new standard: Cooper Sharp.

SKIP
Maybe we should be bold. If everyone else is going to be using the same ingredients, we could stand out by being different. And trust me, that’s something I know a lot about. Would you at least give it a try?

COOPER
Alright, I can do at least that.

SKIP
Here you go, have a scoop.

SFX: Cooper scoops out some wiz

COOPER (Trying the cheese)
Hey. Hey, not bad! Not bad at all!

SKIP
Right!? Think it could make all the difference.

COOPER
I’ve got a lot riding on this contest, Skip. If I win - it will change everything.

SKIP
I think I understand.

COOPER
Tell you what, I’ll give it a think. I gotta use the bathroom. Keep chopping those onions and I’ll let you know when I get back.

SFX: Transition

DINUNZIO
I gotta tell you, I have never seen ANYONE dice that many onions so quickly and so cleanly. Does your lizard want a job?

SFX: Emile coos

JAMBO
He says only if it has benefits and and unlimited paid time off.

DINUNZIO
What do I look like, Google? Get out of here. Probably a public health violation anyways.

JAMBO
You know what, Mrs. DiNunzio? You have the toughness of a drill sergeant and the mouth of a sailor. You remind me of my mother.

DINUNZIO
And you know what, you kind of remind me of my no good husband, god rest his soul.

JAMBO
Did he also have a skink?

DINUNZIO
No, but he always had a parrot on his shoulder. Terrible for business in a steak shop, but he love that damn bird.

JAMBO
Mrs. D, I don’t care what anybody says, you ain’t the bad guy.

DINUNZIO
The hell you talking about? Are you drunk? Then you really WOULD be like my husband.

JAMBO
Hey, look, there goes that Cooper Sharpe guy off to the little boy’s room.

DINUNZIO
Yeah, so?

JAMBO
So that guy Jake just went too.

DINUNZIO
People gotta pee, Jambo.

JAMBO
Not me. I once held it for sixty-eight hours while I was undercover as a tanning bed in Dubai. But that’s not the point. That restroom clearly has an “Out of Order” sign on it. So why do people keep going in there?

DINUNZIO
When you gotta go, you gotta go. Now will you stop worrying about other people’s potty breaks and start slicing some rolls?

JAMBO
Here, Emile will get started. I suddenly have the urge to relieve myself.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. MEN’S ROOM

SFX: A door creaks open. Cooper Sharpe enters.

COOPER
Hello? I got your message. Are you here?

ADMIRAL
Welcome, Mr. Sharpe.

COOPER
Who are you?

ADMIRAL
None other than Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher, founder of Oceanology!

COOPER
Aren’t you supposed to be dead!?

ADMIRAL
I’m SUPPOSED to be a lot of things. Dead. In prison. Sane. And yet I am what I am.

COOPER
Why are you hiding in that stall? Come out where I can see you.

ADMIRAL
No, no, I must stay in my hidey hole. I wouldn’t want news of my “resurrection” to leak.

COOPER
You put an out of order sign on the door.

ADMIRAL
Yes, but when you’ve got to go...

COOPER
I don’t have a lot of time, Admiral. What do you want?

ADMIRAL
What any man wants, Mr. Sharpe - friendship. I understand the winner of today’s contest could be taking a very unique prize. More than just mere money.

COOPER
Yes. I think there’s also a t-shirt.

ADMIRAL
Don’t play coy with me, Cooper. I offer you what I’ve offered all of the contestants...friendship.

COOPER
I always need friends.

ADMIRAL
I know that you’re looking to right an ancient wrong by winning this contest, yes?

COOPER
Yes. How did you know?

ADMIRAL
I am very well connected...for a dead man. I too, have old scores to settle. For nearly a year, I have been in the depths of the ocean, planning to rise an entirely new content to the surface: New Atlantis! Win this contest, follow through with your plans and form a friendship with my New Atlantis that will change the world!

COOPER
You mean like BESTIES? I will win this contest! Just you wait and see!

ADMIRAL
Just one more thing, Mr. Sharpe. Can you tell me where I can get a Philadelphia style hot dog?

COOPER
What the hell is a Philadelphia hot dog?

ADMIRAL
Why, the most glorious creation in culinary kind! A grotesque pork hot dog nestled in a bun with a delicious, mouth watering fish cake!

COOPER
That sounds awful.

ADMIRAL
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. I shall await your word. Farewell, Mr. Sharpe.

SFX: Door open and shut as Cooper leaves.

ADMIRAL
Hmm. I wonder if I should have explicitly mentioned I want New Prussia’s nuclear weapons. Nah, I’m sure he got it.

SFX: Door opening. It’s Jambo.

JAMBO
Hello? Is anybody in here?

ADMIRAL
Nobody here but us fishies!

JAMBO
Oh. Okay. Hey! Wait a minute, who said that?

ADMIRAL
No one! I’m a figment of your imagination, and definitely not an undead super villain hiding in this closed stall.

JAMBO
Okay, phew. Say, imaginary friend, have you seen Cooper Sharpe? I think he’s up to something.

ADMIRAL
Oh, you just missed him. Why don’t you toddle off back to the contest and look for him there?

SFX: Door opens. It’s Security Guy.

SECURITY GUY
Excuse me, have you seen the President?

JAMBO
I saw Jimmy Carter in a Food Lion once.

SECURITY GUY
No. President Phillips. He keeps running off.

ADMIRAL
Chet Phillips is HERE?

SECURITY GUY
Who said that?

JAMBO
My imaginary friend.

SECURITY GUY
I think someone is in that stall.

ADMIRAL
Yes, but I’m a Libertarian. You don’t care about me.

SFX: Door open

NEWSCASTER STEVE
Steve Connors here with breaking news - I have to pee and this broken rest room is the only place to go!

ADMIRAL
My God, this bathroom is more popular than never ending shrimp night at the Seafood Shanty!

SECURITY GUY
Mr. Connors, have you seen the president?

NEWSCASTER STEVE
I saw Bill Clinton in an iHOP once.

JAMBO
It’s getting kind of tight in here. Starting to give me some unhappy flashbacks to ‘91.

SECURITY GUY
Desert Storm?

JAMBO
No. Guns N Roses at the Spectrum.

ADMIRAL
Could you all PLEASE move along? This restroom is closed for repair!

SFX: Door opens - it’s Coco the Barbarian!

COCO
Hi everybody, it’s me, Coco the Barbarian! I’m just popping into all the bathrooms to tell people they should all be listening to my new podcast: Coco the Barbarian Needs A Friend.

SECURITY GUY
Have YOU seen the president?

COCO
Oh yes, he’s over at the contest shaking everybody’s hand. He has a very weak grip, like a girly man.

SECURITY GUY
Show me where he is.

COCO
Okay. Well, goodbye everybody, have fun in this bathroom!

SFX: Door open and shut.

NEWSCASTER STEVE
A real meeting of the minds here today in this restroom. I’ll have more on this story later, after I’ve found a place to relieve myself.

SFX: Door open and shut.

JAMBO
Alright, I gotta go. Emile gets separation anxiety if I’m gone too long. Nice talking to you, imaginary friend.

SFX: Door open and shut.

ADMIRAL
It is exhausting keeping my resurrection a secret. I don’t know how Elvis does it.

MUSIC: Transition.

EXT. CHEESESTEAK CONTEST

ATHENA
Hello there, Mrs. DiNunzio.

DINUNZIO
Oh! Miss O’Brien! We ain’t ready for judging yet.

ATHENA
No, no, I’m just swinging by, getting to know all the contestants a little better. So... DiNunzio. I guess you’re one of those full blooded South Philly Italians?

DINUNZIO
Me? Nah, I married into it. Maiden name was Bronschweig.

ATHENA
Sounds German, maybe even Prussian?

DINUNZIO
Yeah, how did you know?

ATHENA
Did I mention I’m the smartest woman in the world? Mrs. DiNunzio, I shouldn’t be saying this, but believe me, I want you to win.

DINUNZIO
That makes two of us, sister.

ATHENA
I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. If you win, maybe we could make some sort of partnership deal?

DINUNZIO
Sorry, toots, I’ve already got a partnership deal, contingent on me winning this thing. Which I will. This guy and I, we’re gonna be brother in arms. Rewrite the map.

ATHENA
But...I’m Athena O’Brien.

DINUNZIO
And that makes you what, the Queen of England? Get the hell outta here, I got steaks to make.

ATHENA
You’ll regret this.

DINUNZIO
The only thing I regret was agreeing to marry a man with a parrot. Now get the hell away from me, I’m busy.

COOPER
Alright, Skip, I’ve given it some thought...I’m sorry, buddy, but I can’t use your wiz. Cooper Sharpe has to use Cooper Sharp.

SKIP
I honestly think you’re making a mistake - and frankly, I am the am in this Pro-AM, so shouldn’t I contribute something?

COOPER
Ok, stop using that joke. Look, I have a lot riding on this. If I win, let’s just say I made a deal that could make me the happiest man on Earth.

SKIP
I get the feeling there’s more than just cheesesteaks riding on this.

COOPER
More than you know.

SKIP
Cooper, listen to me. We can win this. This is no ordinary Cheese Wiz. It’s a guarantee we win.

COOPER
Okay. Wit wiz it is.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

INT. MCGRATH'S VAN

MCGRATH (Finishing a water ice)
Well, I have to say, mango might be the local favorite water ice flavor, but absolutely NOTHING has touched the chocolate water ice. I mean, come on.

SFX: Van door opens. It’s Bowden.

BOWDEN
McGrath!

MCGRATH
Do NOT come in here unless you brought me a steak.

BOWDEN
They haven’t started cooking yet! Listen to me. It’s Jake, Gloria’s partner. He’s the Prussian.

MCGRATH
Are you sure? Why haven’t you been broadcasting?

BOWDEN
I’m sorry I went offline, but Bowden needed to get this information, not RawDogger. I’m certain. The guy’s hobby is pretending to be a Prussian mercenary.

MCGRATH
And I still say it’s Cooper Sharpe. You remember what a piece of trash his brother was.

BOWDEN
MY brother is a piece of trash. You don’t judge me for it.

MCGRATH
Ehh. Jury’s still out.

BOWDEN
Oh come on.

SFX: Van door. Skip enters.

SKIP
McGrath, it’s Cooper Sharpe!

MCGRATH
Shock of the century.

BOWDEN
What are you talking about? It’s not Sharpe, it’s Jake Walsh! The man’s a Prussian cosplayer!

SFX: Van door. Athena enters.

ATHENA
It’s DiNunzio.

SKIP/BOWDEN
No it’s not!

MCGRATH
And why would you tell us who the bad guy is? You want to team up with them.

ATHENA
Ugh, she already made a deal with somebody else. So I’m ratting her out. Her loss - big time.

BOWDEN
I’m telling you, it’s Jacob Walsh! He can trace his ancestors back to the Prussians who fought in the revolution.

ATHENA
Her maiden name is Bronschweig!

SKIP
NO. I’m telling you, it’s Sharpe. He wants to one-up his brother - create a successful sovereign nation where his brother failed. Sharpe’s already agreed to use the Wiz - I’m locked in on this.

BOWDEN
Skip, please, my actor sense is tingling here.

ATHENA
And I’m never wrong! Unlike you bozos!

SFX: Van door. It’s Gloria.

GLORIA
What’s everyone doing in the van? The contest is starting!

BOWDEN
Gloria, tell them - Jacob Walsh is our target!

GLORIA
Bowden, just because he does war reenactments doesn’t make him the bad guy. All Jake talks about is his family. I think maybe this is just...your ego?

BOWDEN
I dunno. Maybe I am trying to impress the ever present shadow of Paul Rudd.

SKIP
I wish Jambo were here. I want his read on DiNunzio.

SFX: Ripping cloth and then Jambo appears!

JAMBO
I’m already here.

SFX: Everyone gasps.

MCGRATH
Jesus, man, where did you come from!

JAMBO
I blended into the upholstered lining of the roof. Same thing I did when infiltrated DJ Jazzy Jeff’s tour van. The widow DiNunzio is a SAINT and I would kill and die for her. She’s an innocent woman. And possibly my new mother.

SKIP
Then it’s got to be Sharpe!

JAMBO
Oh that guy is bad news! He was was making deals in the bathroom with my imaginary friend. Who DOES NOT have good intentions!

BOWDEN
Well, I can see I’m in the minority. We’ll go after Sharpe.

SKIP
Thank you. Now let’s hope the rest of the plan plays out smoothly.

SFX: Van door opens. It’s Larry.

LARRY
Hiiii, Larry Hastings, bass-baritone.

GLORIA
Larry, what the hell are you doing?

LARRY
I saw Miss O’Brien come in - I assumed it was the VIP lounge. Do I talk to you about a foot massage? I have VERY think bunions.

ATHENA
Ooookay. Well, I’m out. I still say it’s DiNunzio, but since she chose to partner with somebody else, there’s nothing left for me here. Have fun, EMF dweebs.

LARRY
But we have a contest to judge!

ATHENA
Whatever. You and the president can handle it.

SFX: Van door. It’s Chet and Zelda.

CHET
Oh God, I can’t handle it any more! I think I shook every hand in this place! Did you get good data off the fingerprint reader?

MCGRATH (Mouth full)
Oh. That thing wasn’t on.

CHET
What?

(Chet starts coughing)

GLORIA
President Phillips, you look terrible!

ZELDA
I think he caught a bug from kissing all those babies and shaking all those hands.

CHET
I’m fine (COUGH) I’m fine. (COUGH)

MCGRATH
Here, have something for your stomach. Want a Krimpet?

CHET (Vomit noises)
Ugggh

ZELDA
Okay, let’s get you back to the White House, Mr. President.

CHET
But...the contest...

LARRY
Never you fear, Mr. President. I, BRADLEY COOPER, will judge this contest single handedly.

MCGRATH
Alright, everyone go make some cheesesteaks. That I won’t get to eat.

GLORIA
I mean, one of them is basically poisoned.

MCGRATH
Yeah, but just ONE.

SKIP
We’re nearing the finish line, team. Let’s bring it home!

MUSIC: Transition.

EXT. CHEESESTEAK CONTEST

SFX: Fanfare

BOWDEN
Alright everyone, it’s your boy RawDogger! It’s time for the steaks to be judged! I’ve just received some surprising news - both President Phillips and Athena O’Brien have had to withdraw as judges, leaving just Bradley Cooper’s understudy, Larry Hastings.

LARRY
It makes you feel more comfortable, you can call me Bradley.

BOWDEN
It does not. Okay, lets’ go to the first booth.

LARRY
Hello, cheesesteak purveyor, please give me your best sandwich.

JAMBO
Your wish is my command, Bradley Cooper.

DINUNZIO
I hopes youse like it.

LARRY (Munching)
Mmm. Nice roll. Cooper Sharp, always welcome. Very finely diced onions. But, the steak...sort of pedestrian. Where’s your salt? Your pepper? Maybe a little cherry pepper relish to add zip?

DINUNZIO
Did you not season the steak like I told you to?!?

JAMBO
THAT WAS EMILE’S JOB!

SFX: Emile coos defensively.

BOWDEN
Okay, well, a middling score there for DiNunzio’s from my man Larry.

LARRY
Alright, table number two, bring forth your finest steak.

COOPER
What we have for you today is finely sliced ribeye on a homemade seeded roll, with locally sourced organic onions, and a very special cheese wiz made by a man I’m truly honored to call my friend...Skip Granger.

SKIP
Oh. Thanks, Cooper.

LARRY
Well, cheesesteak...enter Larry.

SKIP
McGrath, go!

MCGRATH
NUKE IT!

SFX: McGrath clicks the button as Larry takes a bite.

LARRY
Ugggggghhh. Out out foul cheesesteak!

COOPER
WHAT?

LARRY
Sir, I don’t know what kind of cheese this is, but you have insulted the good name of Coopers everywhere! Especially Bradley!

COOPER
But...it was perfect! Skip, what did you do?

SKIP
Well, as they say, Cooper: Suum cuique.

COOPER
What the hell does that mean?!

SKIP
To each their own. The thing your father always said? The motto of the Kingdom of Prussia? Weren’t you trying to use this contest as a way to lay claim to King of Prussia as sovereign nation?

COOPER
NO! I was going to use the prize money to help pay for the damage my idiot brother caused at Four Corners and the North Pole!

SKIP
Oh no. That means...

MCGRATH
Oh shit, Bowden was right! I hate when that happens!

SKIP
McGrath, we have to do something! Jake Walsh cannot win this contest!

MCGRATH
I know what to do!

BOWDEN
Alright, well, table number three, it looks like this is your contest to lose. Just like I lost on Al Alberts Showcase.

GLORIA
RawDogger!

JAKE
It’s okay, Glory. Look, buddy, I’m telling you - you did me a solid. I discovered that day, show business wasn’t for me. So I pursued my passion - learning all about my family. From Prussia! You didn’t just end my acting career, you helped relaunch a kingdom! PRUSSIA FOREVER! Glory...the steak!

GLORIA
I thought you had it.

JAKE
What? No, it’s right there in the judge’s serving box...

SFX: McGrath enters. Eating a cheesesteak.

MCGRATH
Oh. Sorry. Was this not for me?

JAKE
Who the hell are you!?! That was our last steak! For the judge!

GLORIA
Miss McGrath, you saved the day!

MCGRATH
Oh my God, I’m in so much pain. But this is soooo good.

JAKE
Fake Bradley Cooper, you gotta give me another chance!

LARRY
I’m sorry, but Mr. Cooper would want me to stick to the strictest letter of the law. No steak in my belly by judgment time, automatic disqualification. So I guess that means our rather pedestrian first entry is the winner!

JAMBO
Yo, Adrian!! We did it!!

DINUNZIO
Jambo, you crazy weird dolt, I could kiss your ugly mug!

ZELDA
Mrs. DiNunzio, before we award you your prize - I understand you made some partnership agreements?

DINUNZIO
Yes, with Lt. Jambo and Emile!

ZELDA
What?

JAMBO
We’re gonna franchise, baby! I’m gonna open the first DiNunzio’s Steaks in Cherry Hill! Rewrite the cheesesteak map in Jersey!

JAKE
What a load of crap. You know what...who cares? Cheesesteak contests are a dime a dozen in this friggin’ city. All I need is one more win.

ZELDA
Why don’t you and I go have a long talk at EMF headquarters, Mr. Walsh. Just long enough for the city to revise it’s charter.

JAKE
They’ll never do that. You can’t get Philadelphians to agree on anything.

ZELDA
You can if you wrap it inside a bill that allows for the phrase “Go Birds” to become the official city motto.

JAKE
Oh god damn it. Go birds.

EVERYONE
Go birds!

SKIP
Well. What an unusually happy ending.

COOPER
Not for me! I’ve lost everything! That man in the bathroom stall said he’d be my friend.

SKIP
Oh. Those aren’t usually people you want to be friends with. But if you’d let me, I’d like to be your friend.

COOPER
Why would I do that?! You literally just cost me everything! Get bent, Granger!

SKIP
Well. What a typical nearly happy ending.

GLORIA
Bowden, I’m sorry I doubted your acting sense.

BOWDEN
No, I was being an ass, as usual. I just happened to be right. Which DOES happen, thank you, McGrath.

MCGRATH (Mouth full)
You’re welcome.

GLORIA
What do you say, to make up for it, we play a little...”Mare of Easttown” tonight? I could get you some wooder at da Wawa.

BOWDEN
GREAT SCOTT.

MCGRATH
Skip, can we stop for some Pepto on the way home?

SKIP
Of course, but I hope you don’t mind waiting a bit. After all, I promised the team!

BOWDEN
STEAKS!

GLORIA
Oh! I want to go to Angelo’s!

BOWDEN
I love the classics. Let’s hit Jim’s on South.

MCGRATH
But...but I can’t eat another thing.

SKIP
Well, it was a high steak mission, McGrath.

MCGRATH
Oh, Skip, that was terrible. I’m in enough pain.

SKIP
Well, you know what they say. It’s always punny in Philadelphia.

MUSIC: END CREDITS

Michael DeAngelis acknowledges the cast and thanks the audience as we fade to

MISSION VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowign. Associate producer: Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis and recorded live at the Philadelphia Mausoleum of Contemporary Art.

It starred
Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger
Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath
Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief
Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak
Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders
with Kirk White as Chet Phillips
and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice

Also Starring
Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien
Jill Ivey as Newscaster Connie and Mrs. DiNunzio
and Bob Killion as Jambo, Newscaster Steve, Security Guy, Coco, and The Admiral

Guest Starring
J. Michael DeAngelis as NSA Advisor and Larry Hastings
Dave Serfass as Chip Esterhouse
Pete Barry as Corey Champlaine and Kristatos O'Brien
Rebecca Serfass as June Squibb
John Dowgin as Dr. Biff Studebaker and Jake Walsh
and Caden Dowgin as Cooper Sharpe

Music and sound effects written and performed by Pete Barry

Special thanks to Eric Bressler and everyone at PhilaMOCA. 

Another episode without a scene for me. Whatever. All that talk about onions turned my stomach. Why ruin the most perfect sandwich in the world with something as revolting as fried onions? The only acceptable cheesesteak is extra American cheese, pepperoni, and buffalo wing sauce. You can thank me later.

This has been a Porch Room production. Copyright 2025 Extraordinary Missions Limited.